Wednesday:
Daddy Alex often asks me “Are you an African Elephant or an Indian Elephant, Millennium?” and I have to remind him that you can tell an Elephant by his EARS: if he has BIG ears he is an AFRICAN elephant; if he has SMALL ears he is an INDIAN elephant. I have PLUSH ears because I am a FLUFFY elephant. This ought to be EASY to remember!
Anyway, all this is by way of saying I hope that if Mr Blair’s stormtroopers catch me they are NOT going to deport me to Africa.
However, the odds do not look good as this week, Mr CHARLES CLARKE, Mr Blair’s FOGHORN in the Home Office has won in the court to send some poor people back to ZIMBABWE even though they have the DEATH PENALTY for VISITING ENGLAND there.
This does NOT seem very good.
After World War Part Two was over, the UNITED NATIONS was set up and they agreed an INTERNATIONAL agreement called the CONVENTION ON REFUGEES. This says, basically, if someone has had to run away from their own country because they are in fear of being PICKLED LIKE A HEWWING or otherwise DONE OVER by the local “ministry of justice” then they should be looked after by OTHER countries.
(This is because people SHOULD have done that during and before World War Part Two, and they didn’t and so rather a lot of people got MURDERED!)
Nowadays, Mr Blair’s government wishes that they had never been saddled with the obligation to look after PEOPLE IN NEED! And they are doing everything they can to PUT A STOP to people in need getting here. They won’t let you in without a passport and they say you are not in danger if you do have a passport. They fine aeroplanes and lorries that carry people into the country and they force refugees into the hands of PEOPLE SMUGGLERS and then say people are BAD for using the people smugglers!
This is a SHAME for two very important reasons.
First, Britain used to have a very good reputation for being a place where HUMAN RIGHTS and JUSTICE were very important and we could be PROUD that people WANTED to come here. This is the sort of reputation that Mr Blair has lost by INVADING random Middle Eastern countries on the say so of a pet monkey.
Second, people do not lightly move all the way around the world and those who do are pretty HIGHLY MOTIVATED and usually the well educated middle class (i.e. what DICTATORS call political troublemakers!). These are the sort of people who work hard if they were given the opportunity and contribute to a community that welcomes them. This makes it DOUBLE STUPID that Mr Blair WON’T let them work but instead gives them silly vouchers for not enough money to feed a GERBIL let alone a persecuted person and STILL cost more to run than giving them a living amount in proper money would!
Zimbabwe is NOT A VERY NICE PLACE to live.
Also, it is run by their own version of Mr Blair, so you can see that people would rather not live there. We should not be punishing people because they happen to live in a nasty place, especially if they only want to come here to make a living.
Mr Blair talks a lot about RIGHTS and RESPONSIBILITIES. Someone needs to point out to him that HE has RESPONSIBILITIES too – and he should stop trying to WRIGGLE OUT OF THEM!
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Day 1925: Italian Elections
Tuesday:
This is a story about the Italian Elections which have just taken place between a friend of Mr Blair’s called SILVIO BERLUSCONI and someone rather less dangerously exciting called ROMANO PRODI whose name is funny enough that I will leave it up to you to make up your own joke.
It seems that Mr Prodi won the election by a very narrow margin. However, since Mr Berlusconi made the rules this means that Mr Prodi gets lots of bonus seats. This is NOT called Proportional Representation, it is called HOIST by your own PETARD.
Unfortunately, Mr Berlusconi is NOT a very good loser and has said that he has heard what the people have to say and he does not believe a word of it. He is therefore going to stay Prime Minister and has locked himself into the loo in the Prime Minister of Italy’s house and isn’t coming out.
To be FAIR, he has said that he does not believe the election because he thinks that there were “irregularities” in the election proceedings. The BBC asked the observers from the Organisation for Security and Cooperation in Europe and they said “YES, Mr Berlusconi is RIGHT! There WERE irregularities!”
The first thing was that the change to the electoral system was only introduced by the governing party in December last year and that is not enough time for the opposition parties to get ready to fight an election under the new system, so that favours the governing FORZA ITALIA party!
And then, the changes were only passed by a simple majority in the Italian legislature, when it would be preferred to be passed with a two-thirds majority to indicate that opposition parties are in proper agreement with the changes that the governing FORZA ITALIA party want to make.
Thirdly, there was the matter of television coverage, that although the free television adverts for all the parties were fair and as agreed under the new system, the current affairs and news coverage of the major Italian broadcasters (prop. Sr Silvio Berlusconi, no relation. Well, not quite no relation.) might have favoured the governing FORZA ITALIA party rather a bit.
So it is hardly fair that Mr Berlusconi should lose just because FORZA ITALIA were trying to cheat!
What?
This is a story about the Italian Elections which have just taken place between a friend of Mr Blair’s called SILVIO BERLUSCONI and someone rather less dangerously exciting called ROMANO PRODI whose name is funny enough that I will leave it up to you to make up your own joke.
It seems that Mr Prodi won the election by a very narrow margin. However, since Mr Berlusconi made the rules this means that Mr Prodi gets lots of bonus seats. This is NOT called Proportional Representation, it is called HOIST by your own PETARD.
Unfortunately, Mr Berlusconi is NOT a very good loser and has said that he has heard what the people have to say and he does not believe a word of it. He is therefore going to stay Prime Minister and has locked himself into the loo in the Prime Minister of Italy’s house and isn’t coming out.
To be FAIR, he has said that he does not believe the election because he thinks that there were “irregularities” in the election proceedings. The BBC asked the observers from the Organisation for Security and Cooperation in Europe and they said “YES, Mr Berlusconi is RIGHT! There WERE irregularities!”
The first thing was that the change to the electoral system was only introduced by the governing party in December last year and that is not enough time for the opposition parties to get ready to fight an election under the new system, so that favours the governing FORZA ITALIA party!
And then, the changes were only passed by a simple majority in the Italian legislature, when it would be preferred to be passed with a two-thirds majority to indicate that opposition parties are in proper agreement with the changes that the governing FORZA ITALIA party want to make.
Thirdly, there was the matter of television coverage, that although the free television adverts for all the parties were fair and as agreed under the new system, the current affairs and news coverage of the major Italian broadcasters (prop. Sr Silvio Berlusconi, no relation. Well, not quite no relation.) might have favoured the governing FORZA ITALIA party rather a bit.
So it is hardly fair that Mr Berlusconi should lose just because FORZA ITALIA were trying to cheat!
What?
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Day 1924: David Lloyd George
Monday:
Last night on the TELLY, my Daddies came across a thing on BBC4 about Mr LLOYD GEORGE who was PRIME MINISTER during World War Part One and for a bit afterwards. He is not to be confused with Mr HAROLD LLOYD even though he too appears in black and white films and has a funny walk. Also, it was the other one who had the moustache.
This programme was a personal essay for television by the newsreader Mr Huw Edwards, a self-confessed fan of Mr Lloyd George. This meant that it concentrated a lot on the GOOD bits and tended to forget about the BAD bits, or at least to skip over them and then afterwards refer back and say, like, "well, obviously some people think he STABBED Squiffy Asquith IN THE BACK but Asquith had had it anyway. It was a MERCY KILLING!"
(Fortunately, Daddy Alex was too busy with his new DALEK to have a total conniption.)
Nevertheless, it was quite a GOOD thing. It is not very often that you hear a newsperson being NICE about a politician. (Even one who has been dead for sixty years!) Normally Mr HUMPY or Mr PAXO (the ROOSTER BOOSTER) only want to make politicians look rotten. It is quite encouraging to have Mr Huw say that they he thought someone was GOOD!
He thought that it was a SHAME that most people have forgotten Mr Lloyd George's contribution to the nation – particularly when compared to the LAUDED memory of Sir WINNIE the CHURCHILL (Greatest Britain of All Time TM).
Mr Huw spoke of how Mr Lloyd George transformed the nation's approach to old age, infirmity and unemployment. He overturned the VICTORIAN attitude of self-reliance and introduced the idea that the STATE could, indeed should intervene with it greater powers to support people when they were laid low. With his PEOPLE’S BUDGET of 1909 and later with the NATIONAL INSURANCE ACT of 1911 Mr Lloyd George very much laid the foundations of the WELFARE STATE.
Because of this Mr Lloyd George was INCREDIBLY popular with the people, in much the same way that Mr Blair ISN'T. So much so that when he took over as Prime Minister in the bad bit of World War Part One everyone was actually cheered up and this may have helped to turn the tide of the war. Or at least helped plucky Britain hang on until Kaiser Wilhelm sank enough of their ships that America noticed there was a major war going on in Europe.
Mr Lloyd George's other achievements include Mr Blair's VERY FAVOURITEST piece of legislation (not written by himself and/or his master Darth Cheney) namely THE PARLIAMENT ACT of 1911 which means that my chums in the House of Lords club cannot block legislation passed by the House of Commons only revise it and delay it for up to a year (LESS if Mr Balloon CAVES IN as usual!).
And also the REPRESENTATION OF THE PEOPLE ACT of 1918 which let POOR people vote and even LADIES (although not if they were under thirty or without property!). This was a BIG step towards Britain becoming a proper democracy. One day, you will get there if you PERSEVERE!
Mr Huw also told us that Mr Lloyd George was slightly strange in that he had TWO wives (at the same time): one to take away with him and one to keep at home for BEST. However, I have TWO DADDIES and frankly how people maximise their WORK/LIFE balance is no business of mine so long as no one gets hurt!
Looking to the bad side for a bit, Mr Huw then said that one of Mr Lloyd George's biggest mistakes was going to see ADOLF HITLER in 1936. Well, to BE FAIR, it was 1936 and not everybody had realised Mr Hitler was an EVIL NUTTER by that point. The Daily Mail took another FIVE years to work it out – and we were at WAR for two of those!
People say that Mr Lloyd George's other biggest mistake was to flog off loads of peerages to people who gave him a big pile of dosh, a bit like Mr Balloon's new peers, apparently. However, you have to REMEMBER that in the first place he had total contempt for the House of Lords and thought of this as people paying him to let them sit in a big red leather prison for VANITY and in the second place by that point he HAD been sitting with a bunch of CONSERVATORIES for quite a long time and so was probably getting very CONFUSED.
It all came to an end in 1922 when the Conservatories decided that they had had enough of Mr Lloyd George and BETRAYED him. This is why the Conservatories were run by the 1922 committee and it was the beginning of the MODERN CONSERVATORY PARTY – which ironically also ENDED in BETRAYAL in 1990.
[Incidentally, since the Conservatory Party is now really OVER, this is why Mr Balloon has been looking for a NEW NAME for his gang. The current "hot picks" are either "BLUE LABOUR" or "OPUS DAVE".]
In the end, Mr Huw hoped everyone would remember the good things as these were really more important than a few bad things that didn't have much effect.
The last word should go to MR FROWN who hopes very much to EMULATE Mr Lloyd George by being a MUCH RESPECTED Chancellor who KNIFES his doddering Prime Minister in the back in order to succeed him resulting in his party TEARING itself to pieces and LOSING POWER for a hundred years.
Um, I THINK.
Last night on the TELLY, my Daddies came across a thing on BBC4 about Mr LLOYD GEORGE who was PRIME MINISTER during World War Part One and for a bit afterwards. He is not to be confused with Mr HAROLD LLOYD even though he too appears in black and white films and has a funny walk. Also, it was the other one who had the moustache.
This programme was a personal essay for television by the newsreader Mr Huw Edwards, a self-confessed fan of Mr Lloyd George. This meant that it concentrated a lot on the GOOD bits and tended to forget about the BAD bits, or at least to skip over them and then afterwards refer back and say, like, "well, obviously some people think he STABBED Squiffy Asquith IN THE BACK but Asquith had had it anyway. It was a MERCY KILLING!"
(Fortunately, Daddy Alex was too busy with his new DALEK to have a total conniption.)
Nevertheless, it was quite a GOOD thing. It is not very often that you hear a newsperson being NICE about a politician. (Even one who has been dead for sixty years!) Normally Mr HUMPY or Mr PAXO (the ROOSTER BOOSTER) only want to make politicians look rotten. It is quite encouraging to have Mr Huw say that they he thought someone was GOOD!
He thought that it was a SHAME that most people have forgotten Mr Lloyd George's contribution to the nation – particularly when compared to the LAUDED memory of Sir WINNIE the CHURCHILL (Greatest Britain of All Time TM).
Mr Huw spoke of how Mr Lloyd George transformed the nation's approach to old age, infirmity and unemployment. He overturned the VICTORIAN attitude of self-reliance and introduced the idea that the STATE could, indeed should intervene with it greater powers to support people when they were laid low. With his PEOPLE’S BUDGET of 1909 and later with the NATIONAL INSURANCE ACT of 1911 Mr Lloyd George very much laid the foundations of the WELFARE STATE.
Because of this Mr Lloyd George was INCREDIBLY popular with the people, in much the same way that Mr Blair ISN'T. So much so that when he took over as Prime Minister in the bad bit of World War Part One everyone was actually cheered up and this may have helped to turn the tide of the war. Or at least helped plucky Britain hang on until Kaiser Wilhelm sank enough of their ships that America noticed there was a major war going on in Europe.
Mr Lloyd George's other achievements include Mr Blair's VERY FAVOURITEST piece of legislation (not written by himself and/or his master Darth Cheney) namely THE PARLIAMENT ACT of 1911 which means that my chums in the House of Lords club cannot block legislation passed by the House of Commons only revise it and delay it for up to a year (LESS if Mr Balloon CAVES IN as usual!).
And also the REPRESENTATION OF THE PEOPLE ACT of 1918 which let POOR people vote and even LADIES (although not if they were under thirty or without property!). This was a BIG step towards Britain becoming a proper democracy. One day, you will get there if you PERSEVERE!
Mr Huw also told us that Mr Lloyd George was slightly strange in that he had TWO wives (at the same time): one to take away with him and one to keep at home for BEST. However, I have TWO DADDIES and frankly how people maximise their WORK/LIFE balance is no business of mine so long as no one gets hurt!
Looking to the bad side for a bit, Mr Huw then said that one of Mr Lloyd George's biggest mistakes was going to see ADOLF HITLER in 1936. Well, to BE FAIR, it was 1936 and not everybody had realised Mr Hitler was an EVIL NUTTER by that point. The Daily Mail took another FIVE years to work it out – and we were at WAR for two of those!
People say that Mr Lloyd George's other biggest mistake was to flog off loads of peerages to people who gave him a big pile of dosh, a bit like Mr Balloon's new peers, apparently. However, you have to REMEMBER that in the first place he had total contempt for the House of Lords and thought of this as people paying him to let them sit in a big red leather prison for VANITY and in the second place by that point he HAD been sitting with a bunch of CONSERVATORIES for quite a long time and so was probably getting very CONFUSED.
It all came to an end in 1922 when the Conservatories decided that they had had enough of Mr Lloyd George and BETRAYED him. This is why the Conservatories were run by the 1922 committee and it was the beginning of the MODERN CONSERVATORY PARTY – which ironically also ENDED in BETRAYAL in 1990.
[Incidentally, since the Conservatory Party is now really OVER, this is why Mr Balloon has been looking for a NEW NAME for his gang. The current "hot picks" are either "BLUE LABOUR" or "OPUS DAVE".]
In the end, Mr Huw hoped everyone would remember the good things as these were really more important than a few bad things that didn't have much effect.
The last word should go to MR FROWN who hopes very much to EMULATE Mr Lloyd George by being a MUCH RESPECTED Chancellor who KNIFES his doddering Prime Minister in the back in order to succeed him resulting in his party TEARING itself to pieces and LOSING POWER for a hundred years.
Um, I THINK.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Day 1923: Happy Birthday Emma!
Sunday:
Today has been the birthday of Daddy Richard’s sister.
We got her WILL YOUNG.
It won’t do her much good, as he not interested in girls, still that’s what she asked for!
Today has been the birthday of Daddy Richard’s sister.
We got her WILL YOUNG.
It won’t do her much good, as he not interested in girls, still that’s what she asked for!
Day 1922: Okay, I give in…
Saturday:
Here is Daddy Alex’s Wikimeme: clickity.
Here is Daddy Richard’s Wikimeme:
On this day in history
Three events:
1. The opening of THE DIET OF WORMS in 1521, leading to the creation of PROTESTANTISM
2. First publication of PRIDE AND PREJUDICE in 1813 leading to COLIN FIRTH as MR DARCY
3. Lord HUTTON of WHITE WASH’s inquiry into the DEATH OF DAVID KELLY publised its REPORT in 2004 leading to the resignation of MR BLAIR and… oh, well it SHOULD HAVE!
Two famous birthdays:
1. HENRY TULIP aka KING HENRY VII who beat RICHARD III in the Wars of the Roses to be KING OF ENGLAND
2. Mr FRODO who beat SAURON in The LORD of the RINGS
And a famous death (or rather seven)
1-7. The CREW of the US Space Shuttle CHALLENGER.
Never stop reaching for the stars.
Here is Daddy Alex’s Wikimeme: clickity.
Here is Daddy Richard’s Wikimeme:
On this day in history
Three events:
1. The opening of THE DIET OF WORMS in 1521, leading to the creation of PROTESTANTISM
2. First publication of PRIDE AND PREJUDICE in 1813 leading to COLIN FIRTH as MR DARCY
3. Lord HUTTON of WHITE WASH’s inquiry into the DEATH OF DAVID KELLY publised its REPORT in 2004 leading to the resignation of MR BLAIR and… oh, well it SHOULD HAVE!
Two famous birthdays:
1. HENRY TULIP aka KING HENRY VII who beat RICHARD III in the Wars of the Roses to be KING OF ENGLAND
2. Mr FRODO who beat SAURON in The LORD of the RINGS
And a famous death (or rather seven)
1-7. The CREW of the US Space Shuttle CHALLENGER.
Never stop reaching for the stars.
Day 1921: Faster, Broader, Deeper
Friday:
So, the Conservatory Conference is having a Party in MANCHESTER (or is that the other way around?)
They are having it there because they left it TOO LATE to book and all the SEASIDE places are now full for the EASTER HOLS. Still, Mr Balloon is putting a good face on it and saying that he wanted to come to Manchester all along.
My Daddies come from near Manchester and so they can spot that this is a fib, but it is only a small one, like “yes it’s lovely I always wanted fluffy ear warmers”.
Mr Balloon’s warm up man is called Mr FRANCIS MOD – he is the Conservatory Party Chariman and replaced Lord NORMAN ROCKER. Mr MOD says that they may not win the next General Election. Hooray!
Also on the radio was MR OILY LETWIN who is supposed to be in charge of the Conservatory’s policies. Unfortunately, he appears to have let them escape. Six months into their eighteen month “policy review” he says that they may not have any policies for a couple of years. Erm, MY maths may be a bit FLUFFY, but then I was never trying to be CHANCELLOR.
But the REAL news seems to be that the NEWSNIGHT show appears to have stopped being in love with Mr Balloon. They did a survey (probably by licking a finger and hoding it up to the wind) that says that the Conservatories might actually LOSE seats in the local elections.
NEWSNIGHT sent their reporter Michael Crick to talk to Mr Balloon: Mr Balloon gave him the brush off. He did it better this week than last time – when he told him to, er, depart at haste – by making a joke of it. But it’s still probably not a good idea to try and take the Mickey out of Michael – he might be an annoying little terrier but he is a jolly TENACIOUS once he’s got a bee in his bonnet. Mr Balloon should just ask LORD ARCHER of FORD OPEN PRISON!
After that, Kirsty Waaaaaaark (the SNP leader) talked to Mr BOY GEORGE who had special permission to stay up late. You could tell he wanted to be in bed, though, because he was very cross-patchy.
Kirsty Waaaaaaark asked him: “Mr Boy George, how do respond to our survey that says you are going to lose seats in the local elections?”
Mr Boy George replied: “Kirsty, we’re here in Manchester to go Faster, Broader, Deeper.”
So Kirsty Waaaaaaark said: “Er, okay… but what about our survey? Would that be a DISASTER for the Conservatories, to lose seats?”
To which Mr Boy Gerorge responded: “Kirsty, the important thing is that we’re here in Manchester to go Faster, Broader, Deeper.”
Then Kirsty Waaaaaaark asked: “Moving on then… if Mr Balloon is against PUNCH & JUDY politics, what was that BUDGET respose all about then?”
And Mr Boy George said: “Remember, we are here in Manchester to go Faster, Broader, Deeper.”
So Kirsty Waaaaaaark said: “Riiiiiight… so in that case is calling UKIP nasty names not another example of PUNCH & JUDY politics.”
And Mr Boy George said: “We are in Manchester to go Faster, Broader, Deeper. Plus UKIP smell!”
At which point Kirsty Waaaaaaark said: “oh, go to bed!”
So, the Conservatory Conference is having a Party in MANCHESTER (or is that the other way around?)
They are having it there because they left it TOO LATE to book and all the SEASIDE places are now full for the EASTER HOLS. Still, Mr Balloon is putting a good face on it and saying that he wanted to come to Manchester all along.
My Daddies come from near Manchester and so they can spot that this is a fib, but it is only a small one, like “yes it’s lovely I always wanted fluffy ear warmers”.
Mr Balloon’s warm up man is called Mr FRANCIS MOD – he is the Conservatory Party Chariman and replaced Lord NORMAN ROCKER. Mr MOD says that they may not win the next General Election. Hooray!
Also on the radio was MR OILY LETWIN who is supposed to be in charge of the Conservatory’s policies. Unfortunately, he appears to have let them escape. Six months into their eighteen month “policy review” he says that they may not have any policies for a couple of years. Erm, MY maths may be a bit FLUFFY, but then I was never trying to be CHANCELLOR.
But the REAL news seems to be that the NEWSNIGHT show appears to have stopped being in love with Mr Balloon. They did a survey (probably by licking a finger and hoding it up to the wind) that says that the Conservatories might actually LOSE seats in the local elections.
NEWSNIGHT sent their reporter Michael Crick to talk to Mr Balloon: Mr Balloon gave him the brush off. He did it better this week than last time – when he told him to, er, depart at haste – by making a joke of it. But it’s still probably not a good idea to try and take the Mickey out of Michael – he might be an annoying little terrier but he is a jolly TENACIOUS once he’s got a bee in his bonnet. Mr Balloon should just ask LORD ARCHER of FORD OPEN PRISON!
After that, Kirsty Waaaaaaark (the SNP leader) talked to Mr BOY GEORGE who had special permission to stay up late. You could tell he wanted to be in bed, though, because he was very cross-patchy.
Kirsty Waaaaaaark asked him: “Mr Boy George, how do respond to our survey that says you are going to lose seats in the local elections?”
Mr Boy George replied: “Kirsty, we’re here in Manchester to go Faster, Broader, Deeper.”
So Kirsty Waaaaaaark said: “Er, okay… but what about our survey? Would that be a DISASTER for the Conservatories, to lose seats?”
To which Mr Boy Gerorge responded: “Kirsty, the important thing is that we’re here in Manchester to go Faster, Broader, Deeper.”
Then Kirsty Waaaaaaark asked: “Moving on then… if Mr Balloon is against PUNCH & JUDY politics, what was that BUDGET respose all about then?”
And Mr Boy George said: “Remember, we are here in Manchester to go Faster, Broader, Deeper.”
So Kirsty Waaaaaaark said: “Riiiiiight… so in that case is calling UKIP nasty names not another example of PUNCH & JUDY politics.”
And Mr Boy George said: “We are in Manchester to go Faster, Broader, Deeper. Plus UKIP smell!”
At which point Kirsty Waaaaaaark said: “oh, go to bed!”
Day 1920: The Da Vinci Cod
…or “something fishy happened on the way to the publishers”
Thursday:
The High Court has discovered that Mr Dan Brown’s book “THE DA VINCI COD” was NOT a copy of an earlier book “THE HOLY COD and THE HOLY GRIPE, by DA VINCI”.
Neither of my Daddies has read the DA VINCI COD, on the advice of the sainted MR STEVEN FRY who said it was “bottom water of the first order”! However, Daddy Alex has read “THE HOLY COD and THE HOLY GRIPE” and says that it was “compelling but barking mad”!
Here is the PLOT: the man who started Christianity who was called JESUS (and NOT FATHER CHRISTMAS) was married to MARY CHRISTMAS (ho ho ho – that is an OLD joke but this IS a history book!) and there has been a plot among lots and lots of famous people like LEONARDO DA VINCI for thousands of years to keep this a secret.
In order to keep this secret hidden, the church has arranged for the DA VINCI COD to be made into a HOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTER movie staring TOM HANKS.
This is probably a CUNNING DOUBLE BLUFF. Or they think that if TOM HANKS is in it no one will go and watch it.
Anyway, the people who wrote “THE HOLY COD and THE HOLY GRIPE, by DA VINCI” are called Mr Leigh and Mr Baigent and they wanted their share of the POTS OF DOSH that have been heaped on Mr Dan Brown so they took him to court to say that he stole their story.
Now on the one fluffy foot, they were claiming that their book was NOT a MADE UP STORY but TRUE, in which case they shouldn’t really be saying that Mr Dan Brown stole their idea. Unless they want the REAL WORLD to sue them for knicking the idea from IT!
But on the other fluffy foot, Mr Dan Brown said that he had NEVER heard of Mr Baignet and Mr Leigh before they sued him – which would be a BIT more credible if he hadn’t made up a CHARACTER in his BOOK called LEIGH TEABING which is an ANAGRAM of “I DID IT: IT RIPPED OFF ALL THE IDEAS FROM “THE HOLY COD AND THE HOLY GRIPE”!”
Well NEARLY!
Funnily enough, after the court had said he didn’t copy ideas, Mr Dan Brown said it was good that this meant that people could write books using other people’s ideas.
Still this story has a happy ending.
The books sales of “THE HOLY COD and THE HOLY GRIPE” have gone from 7,000 a year to 7,000 a WEEK, so Mr Leigh and Mr Teabing will no doubt be able to pay their lawyers the ONE MILLION POUNDS in legal fees!
Thursday:
The High Court has discovered that Mr Dan Brown’s book “THE DA VINCI COD” was NOT a copy of an earlier book “THE HOLY COD and THE HOLY GRIPE, by DA VINCI”.
Neither of my Daddies has read the DA VINCI COD, on the advice of the sainted MR STEVEN FRY who said it was “bottom water of the first order”! However, Daddy Alex has read “THE HOLY COD and THE HOLY GRIPE” and says that it was “compelling but barking mad”!
Here is the PLOT: the man who started Christianity who was called JESUS (and NOT FATHER CHRISTMAS) was married to MARY CHRISTMAS (ho ho ho – that is an OLD joke but this IS a history book!) and there has been a plot among lots and lots of famous people like LEONARDO DA VINCI for thousands of years to keep this a secret.
In order to keep this secret hidden, the church has arranged for the DA VINCI COD to be made into a HOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTER movie staring TOM HANKS.
This is probably a CUNNING DOUBLE BLUFF. Or they think that if TOM HANKS is in it no one will go and watch it.
Anyway, the people who wrote “THE HOLY COD and THE HOLY GRIPE, by DA VINCI” are called Mr Leigh and Mr Baigent and they wanted their share of the POTS OF DOSH that have been heaped on Mr Dan Brown so they took him to court to say that he stole their story.
Now on the one fluffy foot, they were claiming that their book was NOT a MADE UP STORY but TRUE, in which case they shouldn’t really be saying that Mr Dan Brown stole their idea. Unless they want the REAL WORLD to sue them for knicking the idea from IT!
But on the other fluffy foot, Mr Dan Brown said that he had NEVER heard of Mr Baignet and Mr Leigh before they sued him – which would be a BIT more credible if he hadn’t made up a CHARACTER in his BOOK called LEIGH TEABING which is an ANAGRAM of “I DID IT: IT RIPPED OFF ALL THE IDEAS FROM “THE HOLY COD AND THE HOLY GRIPE”!”
Well NEARLY!
Funnily enough, after the court had said he didn’t copy ideas, Mr Dan Brown said it was good that this meant that people could write books using other people’s ideas.
Still this story has a happy ending.
The books sales of “THE HOLY COD and THE HOLY GRIPE” have gone from 7,000 a year to 7,000 a WEEK, so Mr Leigh and Mr Teabing will no doubt be able to pay their lawyers the ONE MILLION POUNDS in legal fees!
Day 1919: Taxing
Wednesday:
The 5th of April is the last day of the tax year.
Since my Daddy is an accountant he has told me about this and I DO NOT SEE why I should be the ONLY ONE who is BORED RIGID by it.
A long time ago, it used to be the case that EVERYONE had to pay their rents and taxes over to the KING or the local LORD or whatever version of MR FROWN they were saddled with at the time. And they had until the QUARTER DAYS to do this.
The QUARTER DAYS were (basicaly) MIDSUMMER’S DAY and MIDWINTERS’S DAY and the SPRING EQUINOX and the AUTUMN EQUINOX, which in practice meant: June the 24th (or Midsummer); September the 29th (also called MICHAELMAS – say “ooh!”); December 25th (guess!); and (and this is the BIGGIE and, as it happens, LADY DAY) March 25.
HOWEVER! In September 1752 Britain changed the calendar from the JULIAN calendar to the GREGORIAN calender (which keeps better time and give you leap years!). In order to catch up, they skipped out eleven days – people went to bed on September 2nd and when they woke up again it was September 14th.
And you thought YOU had it rough when the clocks went forward a fortnight ago!
Now, you won’t be remotely surprised to hear that SIR PIGBY JONES of the CBI immediately complained very loudly that this was horribly unfair on the hardwoking British businessman as they would have eleven less days in which to gouge their taxes out of their serfs.
So, and finally we get to the punchline, the King agreed to move the payment date back by eleven days from March 25th to – you guessed it – April 5th.
And a HAPPY NEW TAX YEAR to all of you at home.
Of course, what happened to those eleven days is another matter entirely!
The 5th of April is the last day of the tax year.
Since my Daddy is an accountant he has told me about this and I DO NOT SEE why I should be the ONLY ONE who is BORED RIGID by it.
A long time ago, it used to be the case that EVERYONE had to pay their rents and taxes over to the KING or the local LORD or whatever version of MR FROWN they were saddled with at the time. And they had until the QUARTER DAYS to do this.
The QUARTER DAYS were (basicaly) MIDSUMMER’S DAY and MIDWINTERS’S DAY and the SPRING EQUINOX and the AUTUMN EQUINOX, which in practice meant: June the 24th (or Midsummer); September the 29th (also called MICHAELMAS – say “ooh!”); December 25th (guess!); and (and this is the BIGGIE and, as it happens, LADY DAY) March 25.
HOWEVER! In September 1752 Britain changed the calendar from the JULIAN calendar to the GREGORIAN calender (which keeps better time and give you leap years!). In order to catch up, they skipped out eleven days – people went to bed on September 2nd and when they woke up again it was September 14th.
And you thought YOU had it rough when the clocks went forward a fortnight ago!
Now, you won’t be remotely surprised to hear that SIR PIGBY JONES of the CBI immediately complained very loudly that this was horribly unfair on the hardwoking British businessman as they would have eleven less days in which to gouge their taxes out of their serfs.
So, and finally we get to the punchline, the King agreed to move the payment date back by eleven days from March 25th to – you guessed it – April 5th.
And a HAPPY NEW TAX YEAR to all of you at home.
Of course, what happened to those eleven days is another matter entirely!
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Day 1918: Bonkers, Bladders and Balloons
Tuesday:
It is BAD news in the polls today for Mr Balloon with the SHOCK news that he has been voted "worst-dressed man in Britain"!
(Oh, and also his Conservatory team seem to be doing worser in the opinion polls again.)
And then to make matters worse, he has gone and put his foot in it by calling the UKIP party people nasty names.
This seems very odd, as the ONLY policy that Mr Balloon actually HAS at the moment is to quit the European Peoples Party group in the European Parliament because they are not NUTTY enough and join the UKIPPERs on the Outer Fringes!
I suspect that Mr Balloon has done this DELIBERATELY so that the UKIPPERs will make a fuss, then people will think "Ah, that Mr Balloon – he isn't AS nutty as those boring old so-and-sos from UKIP!"
(ACTUALLY, I THINK that UKIP might be the British SLEEP party and their name is short for "yoU Kip". Certainly, droning on about Europe being BAAAAAD is very BORING and always put ME to sleep. I wonder if MR FROWN is in UKIP too?)
Maybe he is hoping that everyone will forget that he wrote the Conservatory's VERY nutty manifesto last year: we all know that HE wants to forget that.
I do not think that calling people names goes well with his "I'm So Nice" image, though.
In other news, SCIENTISTS say that they have found a way of growing BLADDERS in their laboratory, as this YUCKY PICTURE shows!
This is NOT NEWS.
Mr Blair has been making BACKBENCHERS in this way for YEARS.
Later on today, Mr Blair and Mr Balloon will be getting together in order to fix the loans for peerages party funding row.
Now call me OLD FASHIONED but doesn't this sound just a little bit like AL CAPONE and EAST SIDE GANG getting together to sort out all the racketeering in Chicago?
Mr Balloon said : "I am the only leader of a major political party that has actually come up with sensible proposals for reforming political party finance in this country and for cleaning it up"
Oooh, he is SUCH a FIBBER!!!!
Mr the Merciless said all this LAST MONTH and Mr Balloon is JUST COPYING!
Someone should check that Mr Balloon does with his MOBILE PHONE in EXAMS as well!!!
It is BAD news in the polls today for Mr Balloon with the SHOCK news that he has been voted "worst-dressed man in Britain"!
(Oh, and also his Conservatory team seem to be doing worser in the opinion polls again.)
And then to make matters worse, he has gone and put his foot in it by calling the UKIP party people nasty names.
This seems very odd, as the ONLY policy that Mr Balloon actually HAS at the moment is to quit the European Peoples Party group in the European Parliament because they are not NUTTY enough and join the UKIPPERs on the Outer Fringes!
I suspect that Mr Balloon has done this DELIBERATELY so that the UKIPPERs will make a fuss, then people will think "Ah, that Mr Balloon – he isn't AS nutty as those boring old so-and-sos from UKIP!"
(ACTUALLY, I THINK that UKIP might be the British SLEEP party and their name is short for "yoU Kip". Certainly, droning on about Europe being BAAAAAD is very BORING and always put ME to sleep. I wonder if MR FROWN is in UKIP too?)
Maybe he is hoping that everyone will forget that he wrote the Conservatory's VERY nutty manifesto last year: we all know that HE wants to forget that.
I do not think that calling people names goes well with his "I'm So Nice" image, though.
In other news, SCIENTISTS say that they have found a way of growing BLADDERS in their laboratory, as this YUCKY PICTURE shows!
This is NOT NEWS.
Mr Blair has been making BACKBENCHERS in this way for YEARS.
Later on today, Mr Blair and Mr Balloon will be getting together in order to fix the loans for peerages party funding row.
Now call me OLD FASHIONED but doesn't this sound just a little bit like AL CAPONE and EAST SIDE GANG getting together to sort out all the racketeering in Chicago?
Mr Balloon said : "I am the only leader of a major political party that has actually come up with sensible proposals for reforming political party finance in this country and for cleaning it up"
Oooh, he is SUCH a FIBBER!!!!
Mr the Merciless said all this LAST MONTH and Mr Balloon is JUST COPYING!
Someone should check that Mr Balloon does with his MOBILE PHONE in EXAMS as well!!!
Day 1917: Local SOCA league
Monday:
It is a good job that we did NOT try to go to MONGO, as it turns out that His Imperial Supremacy Grand Panjandrum HRH Sir Mr the Merciless was not at home.
Instead he is here in Britain, launching his campaign fortotal conquest the May local elections.
Local Elections OUGHT to be more important to people, because they are for the THINGS that you use MOST OFTEN. (After all, you want to use the PAVEMENT every day, but HOW OFTEN do you want a SMALL WAR IN THE MIDDLE EAST????)
Unfortunatlely, people do not seem to see things that way. Because the local council deals with the everyday STUFF (read that as BORING!), then people do not think that they are that important and so do not pay proper attention to them. This means that even if Mr Blair and the Labour get SPIFFLICATED at the local elections they will just laugh it off.
On the other fluffy foot, it also means that people might vote for Mr Balloon just in order to stick one on Mr Blair. This means that he will probably do very well INDEED – and be very pleased with himself – even though he has not got any policies yet. In fact IRONICALLY, if he doesn't do VERY WELL INDEED, then it might look bad for Mr Balloon. Which is VERY confusing.
Meanwhile, I have found out where Mr Blair's stormtroopers went when they stopped hunting me down LIKE A DOG!!! Ahem. They are off playing SOCA.
Appaerntly this is to be like the American FBI and they will investigate X-Files like: do Aliens exist? where is the Loch Ness Monster? and how did Mr Blair make all those loans vanish?
In a funny way, the SOCA team are connected to the problem of local government.
If there is a PROBLEM that is big enough to make the NEWSPAPERS take notice, then it makes the GOVERNMENT in London want to take charge so that they can (if it works) take all the credit and look lovely OR (if it doesn't work – which is, lets face it, rather more LIKELY) then they can LOOK like they are doing something to fix it.
So this SOCA team is NOT really to make organised crime go away (because organised crime has got a bit of a bit bigger budget than Mr Blair's SOCA team) but to make exciting NEWS STORIES that will look good for Mr Blair and take some of the heat off him for the WAVE OF HYSTERICAL CRIME STORIES (copyright all newspages) that newspapers keep printing because they sell lots more papers even though it makes it look like Britain today is at the mercy of crime that is totally out of control rather than Britain today REALLY being one of the safest countries in all the world and in all of history.
Why is this like local governemt? Because big government has taken over all of the EXCITING bits so that they can LOOK like they are fixing the problems (or at least so that they can make it all look as LEAST BAD for them as they can).
On the plus side today, ROBIN HOOD is coming back.
Assuming that Mr Blair's SOCA team doesn't duff him up.
It is a good job that we did NOT try to go to MONGO, as it turns out that His Imperial Supremacy Grand Panjandrum HRH Sir Mr the Merciless was not at home.
Instead he is here in Britain, launching his campaign for
Local Elections OUGHT to be more important to people, because they are for the THINGS that you use MOST OFTEN. (After all, you want to use the PAVEMENT every day, but HOW OFTEN do you want a SMALL WAR IN THE MIDDLE EAST????)
Unfortunatlely, people do not seem to see things that way. Because the local council deals with the everyday STUFF (read that as BORING!), then people do not think that they are that important and so do not pay proper attention to them. This means that even if Mr Blair and the Labour get SPIFFLICATED at the local elections they will just laugh it off.
On the other fluffy foot, it also means that people might vote for Mr Balloon just in order to stick one on Mr Blair. This means that he will probably do very well INDEED – and be very pleased with himself – even though he has not got any policies yet. In fact IRONICALLY, if he doesn't do VERY WELL INDEED, then it might look bad for Mr Balloon. Which is VERY confusing.
Meanwhile, I have found out where Mr Blair's stormtroopers went when they stopped hunting me down LIKE A DOG!!! Ahem. They are off playing SOCA.
Appaerntly this is to be like the American FBI and they will investigate X-Files like: do Aliens exist? where is the Loch Ness Monster? and how did Mr Blair make all those loans vanish?
In a funny way, the SOCA team are connected to the problem of local government.
If there is a PROBLEM that is big enough to make the NEWSPAPERS take notice, then it makes the GOVERNMENT in London want to take charge so that they can (if it works) take all the credit and look lovely OR (if it doesn't work – which is, lets face it, rather more LIKELY) then they can LOOK like they are doing something to fix it.
So this SOCA team is NOT really to make organised crime go away (because organised crime has got a bit of a bit bigger budget than Mr Blair's SOCA team) but to make exciting NEWS STORIES that will look good for Mr Blair and take some of the heat off him for the WAVE OF HYSTERICAL CRIME STORIES (copyright all newspages) that newspapers keep printing because they sell lots more papers even though it makes it look like Britain today is at the mercy of crime that is totally out of control rather than Britain today REALLY being one of the safest countries in all the world and in all of history.
Why is this like local governemt? Because big government has taken over all of the EXCITING bits so that they can LOOK like they are fixing the problems (or at least so that they can make it all look as LEAST BAD for them as they can).
On the plus side today, ROBIN HOOD is coming back.
Assuming that Mr Blair's SOCA team doesn't duff him up.
Day 1916: Sausage and Mash
Sunday:
We have gotten safely back to Earth.
I tried to persuade Flash Gladstone to clip a bit off of BIG BEN (like the SLITHEEN did last year in DOCTOR WHO) but he said "No!" because he got into enough trouble when he winged WEMBLEY STADIUM a couple of weeks ago.
No sooner do I get back than I discover that my Daddies have been inviting people to dinner in my absence! How rude is THAT!
Daddy Richard has been using MY recipe for SAUSAGES AND MASH, and if HE can use it, then so can you.
Here is what to do:
Buy some NICE SAUSAGES and MARIS PIPER potatoes. Use lots because this is yummy.
Start by chopping up the POTATOES. Chop them up QUITE SMALL and bung them all into a STAINLESS STEEL pan. Put water in the pan too, so that it covers the potatoes. Add a pinch of salt to help them boil.
Put the pan on the COOKER. Heat it up to that the water boils and then let it SIMMER. KEEP an eye on it – if it is too hot it will boil over and you will get an INCREDIBLE potato mess to try and clean off your cooker before Daddy comes back!
Put the SAUSAGES under the GRILL. You CAN fry them if you MUST, but this is already BAD ENOUGH for you with all the starch and butter in the MASH!
Remember to turn the sausages or they will turn to CHARCOAL on one side and taste YUCKY!
After about quarter of an hour, TEST the potatoes with a knife – the one you chopped them up with will do nicely. Spear one of the bits of potato. If it stick onto the knife then they aren't done yet. If it slides off then they are ready.
Drain off all the boiling water. Put the pan back onto the hot hob and leave it there for a bit in order to steam off the rest of the water. DON'T forget about it though, or the potatoes will BURN.
Take the pan off the hob again and add BUTTER, Daddy chops three or four thin slices off of the end of an ordinary sized block of butter. Stick the butter slices into the potatoes and let them melt for a moment or two.
Then get an ELECTRIC MIXER and PULVERISE those potatoes.
This is why you must use a stainless steel pan or your pan will be RUINED! The potatoes should smear into nice creamy mash quite quickly. DON'T do it for too long or you whisk lots of AIR into the mash which makes it taste all thin and watery.
Don't forget to do GRAVY!
We have gotten safely back to Earth.
I tried to persuade Flash Gladstone to clip a bit off of BIG BEN (like the SLITHEEN did last year in DOCTOR WHO) but he said "No!" because he got into enough trouble when he winged WEMBLEY STADIUM a couple of weeks ago.
No sooner do I get back than I discover that my Daddies have been inviting people to dinner in my absence! How rude is THAT!
Daddy Richard has been using MY recipe for SAUSAGES AND MASH, and if HE can use it, then so can you.
Here is what to do:
Buy some NICE SAUSAGES and MARIS PIPER potatoes. Use lots because this is yummy.
Start by chopping up the POTATOES. Chop them up QUITE SMALL and bung them all into a STAINLESS STEEL pan. Put water in the pan too, so that it covers the potatoes. Add a pinch of salt to help them boil.
Put the pan on the COOKER. Heat it up to that the water boils and then let it SIMMER. KEEP an eye on it – if it is too hot it will boil over and you will get an INCREDIBLE potato mess to try and clean off your cooker before Daddy comes back!
Put the SAUSAGES under the GRILL. You CAN fry them if you MUST, but this is already BAD ENOUGH for you with all the starch and butter in the MASH!
Remember to turn the sausages or they will turn to CHARCOAL on one side and taste YUCKY!
After about quarter of an hour, TEST the potatoes with a knife – the one you chopped them up with will do nicely. Spear one of the bits of potato. If it stick onto the knife then they aren't done yet. If it slides off then they are ready.
Drain off all the boiling water. Put the pan back onto the hot hob and leave it there for a bit in order to steam off the rest of the water. DON'T forget about it though, or the potatoes will BURN.
Take the pan off the hob again and add BUTTER, Daddy chops three or four thin slices off of the end of an ordinary sized block of butter. Stick the butter slices into the potatoes and let them melt for a moment or two.
Then get an ELECTRIC MIXER and PULVERISE those potatoes.
This is why you must use a stainless steel pan or your pan will be RUINED! The potatoes should smear into nice creamy mash quite quickly. DON'T do it for too long or you whisk lots of AIR into the mash which makes it taste all thin and watery.
Don't forget to do GRAVY!
Day 1915: Escape… to Danger!*
(* It’s TRADITIONAL, okay!)
Saturday:
Sorry to my loyal readers. Because my nose is sore, I have not been able to type my Diary into the Internet, and it has taken a few days to get Daddy to have to type it in for me. I am bashing his nose against the kweeboard as I type…
[R: I’m sure this would be easier if you let me use my fingers!]
Don’t fuss, Daddy!
Anyway, dear reader, you will be pleased to know that I have escaped from the clutches of the Clangers.
Fortunately, my friend Flash Gladstone was able to repair his rocket ship using one of the Clangers' dustbin lids and some double-sided sticky tape.
In honour of him rescuing me, I have decided to rename his rocket ship "THE MILLENNIUM IRON CHICKEN" after another famous space ship!
[R: errrr]
Fortunately it appears that Mr Blair's stormtroopers are NOT coming to get me, but instead are coming to get MR FROWN. This is a bit of a relief as we have decided that MONGO is probably too far away to get to, so we are coming back to Earth.
And this will be just in time, because the BBC have started showing a NEW SERIES of DOCTOR WHO. The first episode was only a minute long. I was a bit confused, because it was just DOCTOR WHO in the TARDIS worrying about the MONSTERS he might run into, and doing a funny BLURRY thing when he stood up, but I THINK that there will be longer episodes soon.
DOCTOR WHO is the favourite programme of both of my Daddies, so I have to watch it lots as well. Which means you will get lots of it in my DIARY too!
It is OKAY, so I do not mind much, and the Doctor's TARDIS is ALMOST as good as a CAR. (Although my FAVOURTEST Doctor Who was JON TWERPEE and he DID have a car called BESSIE which was VERY cool INDEED!)
Last year, Dr Who was CHRISTOPHER ECCY-THUMP (who is from the North, though he keeps quiet about it) but he got killed by eating too much TIME VORTEX (which is a bit like BLUE STRING SOUP only more glowy) so now Dr Who is DAVID TENNANT.
David Tennant has been in quite a lot of things recently (Blackpool, Casanova, Quatermass, Secret Smile, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, The Lady Chatterley Trial) but we knew him BEFORE all that because he used to work with the Big Fish people to make Audio Adventures. The BESTEST story is that he turned down working at the NATIONAL THEATRE in order to work with THE DALEKS!
My Daddies hope this means that he will not quit after one year as Dr Who like Mr Eccy-thump did.
Keep an Eye out for more Doctor Who from Easter weekend!
Saturday:
Sorry to my loyal readers. Because my nose is sore, I have not been able to type my Diary into the Internet, and it has taken a few days to get Daddy to have to type it in for me. I am bashing his nose against the kweeboard as I type…
[R: I’m sure this would be easier if you let me use my fingers!]
Don’t fuss, Daddy!
Anyway, dear reader, you will be pleased to know that I have escaped from the clutches of the Clangers.
Fortunately, my friend Flash Gladstone was able to repair his rocket ship using one of the Clangers' dustbin lids and some double-sided sticky tape.
In honour of him rescuing me, I have decided to rename his rocket ship "THE MILLENNIUM IRON CHICKEN" after another famous space ship!
[R: errrr]
Fortunately it appears that Mr Blair's stormtroopers are NOT coming to get me, but instead are coming to get MR FROWN. This is a bit of a relief as we have decided that MONGO is probably too far away to get to, so we are coming back to Earth.
And this will be just in time, because the BBC have started showing a NEW SERIES of DOCTOR WHO. The first episode was only a minute long. I was a bit confused, because it was just DOCTOR WHO in the TARDIS worrying about the MONSTERS he might run into, and doing a funny BLURRY thing when he stood up, but I THINK that there will be longer episodes soon.
DOCTOR WHO is the favourite programme of both of my Daddies, so I have to watch it lots as well. Which means you will get lots of it in my DIARY too!
It is OKAY, so I do not mind much, and the Doctor's TARDIS is ALMOST as good as a CAR. (Although my FAVOURTEST Doctor Who was JON TWERPEE and he DID have a car called BESSIE which was VERY cool INDEED!)
Last year, Dr Who was CHRISTOPHER ECCY-THUMP (who is from the North, though he keeps quiet about it) but he got killed by eating too much TIME VORTEX (which is a bit like BLUE STRING SOUP only more glowy) so now Dr Who is DAVID TENNANT.
David Tennant has been in quite a lot of things recently (Blackpool, Casanova, Quatermass, Secret Smile, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, The Lady Chatterley Trial) but we knew him BEFORE all that because he used to work with the Big Fish people to make Audio Adventures. The BESTEST story is that he turned down working at the NATIONAL THEATRE in order to work with THE DALEKS!
My Daddies hope this means that he will not quit after one year as Dr Who like Mr Eccy-thump did.
Keep an Eye out for more Doctor Who from Easter weekend!
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Day 1914: Nose Trouble
Friday:
Heave! Heave! Heave!
The Clangers have succeeded in pulling me out of the hole in which I was stuck. Major Clanger tied his fishing line around my big fluffy nose and they all PULLED.
My nose is VERY sore now!
Back down on Earth, I cannot BELIEVE how totally RUBBISH Mr Balloon has been about I.D.IOT cards, even after I told you all how VERY BAD the government's not-really-a-compromise was!
Even WORSE! Mr DAVIS DAVID who is SUPPOSED to be Shadow Home Secretary and TOTALLY against I.D.IOT cards only went and VOTED FOR the government’s amendment!
As my Daddy might say: construct a popular phrase or saying using the following words not necessarily in this order: TURKEYS CHRISTMAS VOTING FOR WHY WAIT SHOOT US NOW.
Mr Blair is laughing so hard we can hear him ALL THE WAY UP HERE IN SPACE! Even if there IS a vacuum between the Earth and the Moon.
Looking down on the Earth from up here, it is very LOVELY, even if you people are making it a bit GRUBBY! Could you not tidy up a bit?
Speaking of tidying up reminds me that it has turned out that tidying up all of you NUCLEAR POWER STATIONS is going to cost a lot more billions of pounds more that you thought it was.
Even though I am in favour of ELECTRICITY for television and DVDs and the Internet, I am a BIT worried about making it out of atom bomb material that you have to import from abroad. And leaving radioactive waste that lasts as long as the whole world and might make GIANT MUTANT LIZARDS is not a completely clever energy policy. I am not sure that the MAGIC FORCE FIELDS of Mr Blair’s I.D.IOT cards can protect us from GODZILLA!!
Here on the Moon, the Clangers make all the electricity they need to run their television from RENEWABLE sources. In fact it is Mother Clanger wearing NYLON stockings and taking a brisk walk around the craters – the static build up provides enough charge to run the telly all night!
However, if Britain does not have enough fast moving sock matriarchs, then perhaps you could consider some other renewable resources instead. Perhaps you could generate some electricity from Mr Balloon’s FLIP-FLOPS?
The Clangers do not seem very sympathetic about my SORE NOSE! In fact they keep giving me BLACK LOOKS and hooting amongst themselves.
This does NOT look good: now they appear to be constructing a GIANT MUSICAL CATAPULT…
Heave! Heave! Heave!
The Clangers have succeeded in pulling me out of the hole in which I was stuck. Major Clanger tied his fishing line around my big fluffy nose and they all PULLED.
My nose is VERY sore now!
Back down on Earth, I cannot BELIEVE how totally RUBBISH Mr Balloon has been about I.D.IOT cards, even after I told you all how VERY BAD the government's not-really-a-compromise was!
Even WORSE! Mr DAVIS DAVID who is SUPPOSED to be Shadow Home Secretary and TOTALLY against I.D.IOT cards only went and VOTED FOR the government’s amendment!
As my Daddy might say: construct a popular phrase or saying using the following words not necessarily in this order: TURKEYS CHRISTMAS VOTING FOR WHY WAIT SHOOT US NOW.
Mr Blair is laughing so hard we can hear him ALL THE WAY UP HERE IN SPACE! Even if there IS a vacuum between the Earth and the Moon.
Looking down on the Earth from up here, it is very LOVELY, even if you people are making it a bit GRUBBY! Could you not tidy up a bit?
Speaking of tidying up reminds me that it has turned out that tidying up all of you NUCLEAR POWER STATIONS is going to cost a lot more billions of pounds more that you thought it was.
Even though I am in favour of ELECTRICITY for television and DVDs and the Internet, I am a BIT worried about making it out of atom bomb material that you have to import from abroad. And leaving radioactive waste that lasts as long as the whole world and might make GIANT MUTANT LIZARDS is not a completely clever energy policy. I am not sure that the MAGIC FORCE FIELDS of Mr Blair’s I.D.IOT cards can protect us from GODZILLA!!
Here on the Moon, the Clangers make all the electricity they need to run their television from RENEWABLE sources. In fact it is Mother Clanger wearing NYLON stockings and taking a brisk walk around the craters – the static build up provides enough charge to run the telly all night!
However, if Britain does not have enough fast moving sock matriarchs, then perhaps you could consider some other renewable resources instead. Perhaps you could generate some electricity from Mr Balloon’s FLIP-FLOPS?
The Clangers do not seem very sympathetic about my SORE NOSE! In fact they keep giving me BLACK LOOKS and hooting amongst themselves.
This does NOT look good: now they appear to be constructing a GIANT MUSICAL CATAPULT…
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Day 1913: A Non Standard Comment
Thursday:
Daddy Richard spotted this billboard on his way home last night:
Someone appears to have defaced it!
Daddy Richard spotted this billboard on his way home last night:
Someone appears to have defaced it!
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Day 1912: In the Soup!
Wednesday:
Q: When is a Compromise NOT a compromise?
A: …when it's being offered you by the GOVERNMENT!
No, it's NOT a very funny joke, is it!
That's because I'm talking about I.D.IOT cards again.
In spite of Mr Balloon's side letting me down over GLORIFICATION OF JAMES BOND (hence me being ON THE MOON at the moment), the HOUSE OF LORDS club have still been trying to stop Mr Blair REDEFINING the word "VOLUNTARY" so that he can have a go at imposing his I.D.IOT card scheme.
Today, it seems we are being offered a "compromise".
As far as I can tell, this means that you STILL get all the HORRIBLE BAD THINGS of Mr Blair's scheme – like basically losing all your PRIVACY to the ENORMOUS expensive INSANE super-computer that goes MAD and tries to take over the world!
[R: if it's already "insane" then it can't GO mad…]
Whatever, Daddy!
[R: I'm just saying!]
So you get the BAD things and without even the benefit of the USEFUL piece of PLASTIC to scrape ice off your CAR with!
What, you think it's useful for anything ELSE???
Meanwhile…
I have escaped from the MONSTER! …but I seem to have fallen down a bit of a HOLE!
I VERY NEARLY fell into the BLUE STRING SOUP. But fortunately, my fluffy bottom was big enough to stick in the hole on the way down.
All the Clangers have come to stand around me.
They do not look HAPPY.
Q: When is a Compromise NOT a compromise?
A: …when it's being offered you by the GOVERNMENT!
No, it's NOT a very funny joke, is it!
That's because I'm talking about I.D.IOT cards again.
In spite of Mr Balloon's side letting me down over GLORIFICATION OF JAMES BOND (hence me being ON THE MOON at the moment), the HOUSE OF LORDS club have still been trying to stop Mr Blair REDEFINING the word "VOLUNTARY" so that he can have a go at imposing his I.D.IOT card scheme.
Today, it seems we are being offered a "compromise".
As far as I can tell, this means that you STILL get all the HORRIBLE BAD THINGS of Mr Blair's scheme – like basically losing all your PRIVACY to the ENORMOUS expensive INSANE super-computer that goes MAD and tries to take over the world!
[R: if it's already "insane" then it can't GO mad…]
Whatever, Daddy!
[R: I'm just saying!]
So you get the BAD things and without even the benefit of the USEFUL piece of PLASTIC to scrape ice off your CAR with!
What, you think it's useful for anything ELSE???
Meanwhile…
I have escaped from the MONSTER! …but I seem to have fallen down a bit of a HOLE!
I VERY NEARLY fell into the BLUE STRING SOUP. But fortunately, my fluffy bottom was big enough to stick in the hole on the way down.
All the Clangers have come to stand around me.
They do not look HAPPY.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Day 1911: Monster!
Tuesday:
Help! Help! There’s a MONSTER in these caves! Help!
Run away! Run away! Run away very VERY fast!
Help! Help! There’s a MONSTER in these caves! Help!
Run away! Run away! Run away very VERY fast!
Day 1910: A for ‘Orses
Monday:
BBC4 showed us “A for Andromeda”, which is a remake of a serial which they made a long time ago and (like some of the DOCTOR WHO) “mislaid”. It was rather good and Daddy got snuffly at the end.
However, early on, one of the scientists said something like: “all this happening by chance, it seems a bit improbable”.
And this reminds me of something that got Daddy Richard hot under the collar on “Thought for the Day” on the radio last week, when the man said: “either it all happened by chance or there was a designer.”
This is what Daddy calls a FALSE DICHOTOMY.
(A Dichotomy is a choice between two things and NOT a system of government based on being ruled by GREG DYKE, which is what I thought.)
If you were to jump out of the window, NOBODY would say that what happens next is a choice between the chance of flying off in a random direction or being dragged down to Earth by Cuddly Chtulhu.
No, you would say that there is a physical law called GRAVITY.
Then you would say “Arrrgh, SPLATT!” so DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!
People get a bit confused because they think that the universe goes nothing, alakazam, stars+planets+people+lollipop ladies+radio four etc.
In fact it takes lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and LOTS and LOTS of tiny little baby steps over a VERY long time. MUCH longer than the attention span of most people. Perhaps it would be easier to notice if it took place in the ADVERT BREAKS on ITV1.
Anyway, watch out for people saying the FALSE DICHOTOMY, because it is a BAD argument! It is REALLY saying: “this happened MY way or in this very silly way that is nothing like what other people really say.”
BBC4 showed us “A for Andromeda”, which is a remake of a serial which they made a long time ago and (like some of the DOCTOR WHO) “mislaid”. It was rather good and Daddy got snuffly at the end.
However, early on, one of the scientists said something like: “all this happening by chance, it seems a bit improbable”.
And this reminds me of something that got Daddy Richard hot under the collar on “Thought for the Day” on the radio last week, when the man said: “either it all happened by chance or there was a designer.”
This is what Daddy calls a FALSE DICHOTOMY.
(A Dichotomy is a choice between two things and NOT a system of government based on being ruled by GREG DYKE, which is what I thought.)
If you were to jump out of the window, NOBODY would say that what happens next is a choice between the chance of flying off in a random direction or being dragged down to Earth by Cuddly Chtulhu.
No, you would say that there is a physical law called GRAVITY.
Then you would say “Arrrgh, SPLATT!” so DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!
People get a bit confused because they think that the universe goes nothing, alakazam, stars+planets+people+lollipop ladies+radio four etc.
In fact it takes lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and LOTS and LOTS of tiny little baby steps over a VERY long time. MUCH longer than the attention span of most people. Perhaps it would be easier to notice if it took place in the ADVERT BREAKS on ITV1.
Anyway, watch out for people saying the FALSE DICHOTOMY, because it is a BAD argument! It is REALLY saying: “this happened MY way or in this very silly way that is nothing like what other people really say.”
Monday, March 27, 2006
Day 1909: It’s not ALL sleaze, you know
Sunday:
Daddy Alex has gone up to Manchester and is spending Mother’s Day with, er, his mother.
While he is away, Daddy Richard is building a clockwork dinosaur. I DO hope Daddy Alex gets home soon!
There is still a lot of fuss on the telly about Mr Blair doing favours for people who have given him money. And now it seems that Mr Blair’s people are having a go at Mr Balloon’s people for doing the same.
In fact, we listened to “Any Questions” and Mr Gerald Kaufman was trying to smear EVERYONE, including the Liberal Democrats, but he got that WRONG because the Liberal Democrats were checked out by the ELECTORAL COMMISSION and were told that it was OKAY!
I think that is VERY BAD to be trying to SMEAR EVERYONE. It is already bad enough that QUITE A LOT of people didn’t bother to vote at the last election last year and this is only going to make things WORSE.
VERY NEARLY ALL of the people who do politics are actually GOOD and HONEST. Yes, even in the Labour and the Conservatories. People do not do politics to get RICH. It is too much hard work! Occasionally, rarely, once in a while, someone (NOT looking at YOU, Mr Blair) will go a little bit PECULIAR. But this doesn’t mean that everyone else is ROTTEN.
What is DOES mean is that the other people have to work EVEN HARDER to make politics clean again.
Mr Blair was QUITE RIGHT when he said that they had to be WHITER THAN WHITE. It is a shame he was not listening when he said that!
In this case, people from the Labour (like maybe MR FROWN) should say to Mr Blair:
“Look, urr, I’m sorry, urr, Tony, but you cannot be on our team any longer. Urr. We cannot work with you, because you, urr, make it look like we’re all a bunch of CROOKS.”
Because if they don’t then it WILL look like they are all a bunch of CROOKS!
And Mr Balloon should stop keeping quiet about where his party got all its money from either.
If the people who gave himbungs loans still do not want to admit they are friends of Mr Balloon, then it is very simple: Mr Balloon should GIVE THEM THE MONEY BACK! Then he will have CLEAN HANDS and not look SHIFTY.
Also, if you think that a charity auction won by RICH FOREIGN BACKERS might be going to look like it is a SCAM… that is because it IS going to look like a SCAM!
Now, because the Electoral Commission said that the Liberal Democrats were OKAY, I do not know what they need to do, but it is no good me being smug about this because if I am something will turn up to bite me on my FLUFFY BOTTOM! SO the Liberal Democrats should make sure they are CLEAN too!
Plus, this means all the other parties too. Even that one led by CATWOMAN off Big Brother.
ANYWAY, that’s just what I think.
And now, the Clanger want to have the Internet back so that they can sell BLUE STRING SOUP on eBAY.
These hooting sock people are starting to give me a headache. I think I will go and explore some of these MOON CAVES!
Daddy Alex has gone up to Manchester and is spending Mother’s Day with, er, his mother.
While he is away, Daddy Richard is building a clockwork dinosaur. I DO hope Daddy Alex gets home soon!
There is still a lot of fuss on the telly about Mr Blair doing favours for people who have given him money. And now it seems that Mr Blair’s people are having a go at Mr Balloon’s people for doing the same.
In fact, we listened to “Any Questions” and Mr Gerald Kaufman was trying to smear EVERYONE, including the Liberal Democrats, but he got that WRONG because the Liberal Democrats were checked out by the ELECTORAL COMMISSION and were told that it was OKAY!
I think that is VERY BAD to be trying to SMEAR EVERYONE. It is already bad enough that QUITE A LOT of people didn’t bother to vote at the last election last year and this is only going to make things WORSE.
VERY NEARLY ALL of the people who do politics are actually GOOD and HONEST. Yes, even in the Labour and the Conservatories. People do not do politics to get RICH. It is too much hard work! Occasionally, rarely, once in a while, someone (NOT looking at YOU, Mr Blair) will go a little bit PECULIAR. But this doesn’t mean that everyone else is ROTTEN.
What is DOES mean is that the other people have to work EVEN HARDER to make politics clean again.
Mr Blair was QUITE RIGHT when he said that they had to be WHITER THAN WHITE. It is a shame he was not listening when he said that!
In this case, people from the Labour (like maybe MR FROWN) should say to Mr Blair:
“Look, urr, I’m sorry, urr, Tony, but you cannot be on our team any longer. Urr. We cannot work with you, because you, urr, make it look like we’re all a bunch of CROOKS.”
Because if they don’t then it WILL look like they are all a bunch of CROOKS!
And Mr Balloon should stop keeping quiet about where his party got all its money from either.
If the people who gave him
Also, if you think that a charity auction won by RICH FOREIGN BACKERS might be going to look like it is a SCAM… that is because it IS going to look like a SCAM!
Now, because the Electoral Commission said that the Liberal Democrats were OKAY, I do not know what they need to do, but it is no good me being smug about this because if I am something will turn up to bite me on my FLUFFY BOTTOM! SO the Liberal Democrats should make sure they are CLEAN too!
Plus, this means all the other parties too. Even that one led by CATWOMAN off Big Brother.
ANYWAY, that’s just what I think.
And now, the Clanger want to have the Internet back so that they can sell BLUE STRING SOUP on eBAY.
These hooting sock people are starting to give me a headache. I think I will go and explore some of these MOON CAVES!
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Day 1908: Invasion
Saturday:
Do not PANIC! This is not a plot by the CLANGERS to overrun the Earth – “Invasion” is a special place called a DOCTOR WHO convention.
Even though I am now on the Moon for my own safety, I still have friends on the Earth and – like JAMES BOND! – I will give my SECRET AGENTS special code names to protect their identities from Mr Blair’s SECRET POLICE. They will be known only as DADDY A and DADDY R!
So, my Daddies went to the Invasion convention yesterday and have told me all about it. Daddy A concealed himself in the queue for autographs and Daddy R mingled with the crowd in the main hall listening to the GUEST SPEAKERS.
The FIRST people on the stage were MR WARIS HUSSEIN and MR DERREN NESBITT.
Mr Waris is a lovely man and he was also the very first ever person to direct an episode of DOCTOR WHO which is called AN UNEARTHLY CHILD and YOU can watch this if you get the DVD like we have!
Mr Derren is an actor who appeared in the fourth ever DOCTOR WHO story, which is called “Marco Polo” (which was ALSO directed by Mr Waris!) and is about the FAMOUS EXPLORER Fiat Polo. Unfortunately you cannot watch the DVD of Marco Polo. This is a bit of a sore point with my Daddies, because the BBC BURNT the only copy of the DVD!!! However some very clever people have done the NEXT BEST THING, and this is very good too.
We HAVE been watching a lot of Mr Derren recently, wearing a variety of wigs and sticky on beards, as he is usually GUEST VILLAIN in SIR LANCELOT. This is an exciting adventure serial which I would enjoy very much EXCEPT that it has a VERY AWFUL theme song that makes my fluffy ears ache!
Mr Derren told us about when he was in ITALY and ate at the same trattoria every day and had the SPAGHETTI BOLOGNAISE every day! Eventually he asked Mama Trattoria how she made spaghetti bolognaise so that he could make it for himself when he came home. So for years afterwards he could only make bolognaise in a HUGE pan enough to serve fifty people. (I think my Daddies have this same problem!)
The NEXT people on stage were the very lovely people from BIG FINISH audio adventures. They were: Mr Simon and Mr Ian and Mr Joe and Mr Dick Darlington (the handsome Australian barman) and the very lovely Mr Russell T Gary who is the producer of DOCTOR WHO.
Big Fish make DOCTOR WHO stories on CD (as I have said before CDs are like DVDs but without pictures). They ALSO do CD adventures of PROFESSOR BENNY SUMMERFIELD who is a friend who used to travel with Dr WHO but who doesn’t need a Time Lord to do cool stuff! And they do BOOKS too!
Agent Daddy R was particularly excited by the news that they have just recorded a Doctor Who adventure for COLIN BAKER and NICOLA BRYANT with CLAUDIA CHRISTIAN and that they will be publishing a book about Benny from BEN AARANOVICH.
My Daddy says that I have a Big Finish, but I THINK that he means I have a Big Bottom!!! He is VERY mean!
After that, the THIRD person (if you count the Big Finish people as one person, otherwise he was theSEVENTH EIGHTH) on the stage was Mr RICHARD BRIARS. Apparently he was in DOCTOR WHO once too – and he apologised for his underplayed and understated performance.
But he is much more famous for lots of other stuff. In particular playing Mr TOM in THE GOOD LIFE. This is still very popular THIRTY YEARS after they made it! Mr Richard thought that this was because it was not like the television on telly today, and that it is quite a relief to most viewers that Margo DOESN’T come in with a six inch knife dripping in blood! I think he has a POINT there!
However, since he enjoys being an actor, Mr Richard says that (much as he loves the Good Life) he enjoyed the acting more in EVER DECREASING CIRCLES. I think this is one of the VERY FEW things my Daddies do not have on DVD! No doubt they will correct this soon.
But the BEST thing about Mr Richard is that he is the voice of RHOOBARB AND CUSTARD who are my very favoritest cartoon green dog and pink cat. (Do not try watching all of the cartoons in one go though or the Nuh-nuh-nerrr Nuh-nuh-nerrr theme tune will drive you around the bend! Even more than the Sir Lancelot song!)
After this Daddy R went to see where Daddy A had got to. This was very naughty of him as it meant that he missed the talk from Mr KEV McCURDY who worked on the fights and stunts for the new telly series of DOCTOR WHO. Fortunately, Daddy A met him for his autograph and said he was very, very nice and probably the most genuinely pleased that people WANTED his autograph!
In the afternoon, Daddy R waited with Daddy A in the long queue for autographs from MISS CAMILLE CODURI. Even though this was a very long queue, it actually moved rather quickly and was organised very well! Even so, this meant that Daddy R missed the talk from Mr Dirty Den. Another black mark for Agent Daddy there!
However, he did return to the hall to listen to MISS SARAH SUTTON who once played ROO in WINNIE THE POOH and was in the MOON STALLION before she got to travel with TWO Dr Whos as Nyssa, who is a fairy princess from the planet Traken.
She was asked about her “notorious SKIRT DROPPING scene!” and told us that the producer had said to her “you’ve got such PRETTY underwear and it’s such a shame that no one gets to see it!”
I have looked up the word NAÏVE!
Both of myDaddies Agents were in the hall, and so was almost everybody else, for the first convention appearance for the fabulous MISS CAMILLE CODURI who plays ROSE TYLER’S MUM on telly. She may have been a bit nervous to start with, but she soon hit her stride when she realised that the audience loved her.
[R: And loved a bit of Jackie innuendo!]
She also gave us a bit of a TEASER TRAILER for the SECOND series: apparently Jackie will TIME TRAVEL, and it will be funny how it happens! Daddies are gagging for the new series more than ever now!
After the RAPTUROUS applause for Miss Camille had died down, the day was rounded out with a panel of four excellent people who had all been MONSTERS! Mr Barnaby Edwards and Mr Nicholas Pegg had both trundled and terrified as shiny scary gold DALEKS; Mr Simon Day was the STEWARD who got cooked by THE END OF THE WORLD; and Mr Alan Ruscoe was lots of monsters, but the most terrifying was certainly the ANNE DROID!!!
Anyway, I must go now because I have lots of things to explain to the CLANGERS who have not seen the new series of DOCTOR WHO yet – they have been having to make do with some old films of THE DALEKS MASTER PLAN and FURY FROM THE DEEP.
Do not PANIC! This is not a plot by the CLANGERS to overrun the Earth – “Invasion” is a special place called a DOCTOR WHO convention.
Even though I am now on the Moon for my own safety, I still have friends on the Earth and – like JAMES BOND! – I will give my SECRET AGENTS special code names to protect their identities from Mr Blair’s SECRET POLICE. They will be known only as DADDY A and DADDY R!
So, my Daddies went to the Invasion convention yesterday and have told me all about it. Daddy A concealed himself in the queue for autographs and Daddy R mingled with the crowd in the main hall listening to the GUEST SPEAKERS.
The FIRST people on the stage were MR WARIS HUSSEIN and MR DERREN NESBITT.
Mr Waris is a lovely man and he was also the very first ever person to direct an episode of DOCTOR WHO which is called AN UNEARTHLY CHILD and YOU can watch this if you get the DVD like we have!
Mr Derren is an actor who appeared in the fourth ever DOCTOR WHO story, which is called “Marco Polo” (which was ALSO directed by Mr Waris!) and is about the FAMOUS EXPLORER Fiat Polo. Unfortunately you cannot watch the DVD of Marco Polo. This is a bit of a sore point with my Daddies, because the BBC BURNT the only copy of the DVD!!! However some very clever people have done the NEXT BEST THING, and this is very good too.
We HAVE been watching a lot of Mr Derren recently, wearing a variety of wigs and sticky on beards, as he is usually GUEST VILLAIN in SIR LANCELOT. This is an exciting adventure serial which I would enjoy very much EXCEPT that it has a VERY AWFUL theme song that makes my fluffy ears ache!
Mr Derren told us about when he was in ITALY and ate at the same trattoria every day and had the SPAGHETTI BOLOGNAISE every day! Eventually he asked Mama Trattoria how she made spaghetti bolognaise so that he could make it for himself when he came home. So for years afterwards he could only make bolognaise in a HUGE pan enough to serve fifty people. (I think my Daddies have this same problem!)
The NEXT people on stage were the very lovely people from BIG FINISH audio adventures. They were: Mr Simon and Mr Ian and Mr Joe and Mr Dick Darlington (the handsome Australian barman) and the very lovely Mr Russell T Gary who is the producer of DOCTOR WHO.
Big Fish make DOCTOR WHO stories on CD (as I have said before CDs are like DVDs but without pictures). They ALSO do CD adventures of PROFESSOR BENNY SUMMERFIELD who is a friend who used to travel with Dr WHO but who doesn’t need a Time Lord to do cool stuff! And they do BOOKS too!
Agent Daddy R was particularly excited by the news that they have just recorded a Doctor Who adventure for COLIN BAKER and NICOLA BRYANT with CLAUDIA CHRISTIAN and that they will be publishing a book about Benny from BEN AARANOVICH.
My Daddy says that I have a Big Finish, but I THINK that he means I have a Big Bottom!!! He is VERY mean!
After that, the THIRD person (if you count the Big Finish people as one person, otherwise he was the
But he is much more famous for lots of other stuff. In particular playing Mr TOM in THE GOOD LIFE. This is still very popular THIRTY YEARS after they made it! Mr Richard thought that this was because it was not like the television on telly today, and that it is quite a relief to most viewers that Margo DOESN’T come in with a six inch knife dripping in blood! I think he has a POINT there!
However, since he enjoys being an actor, Mr Richard says that (much as he loves the Good Life) he enjoyed the acting more in EVER DECREASING CIRCLES. I think this is one of the VERY FEW things my Daddies do not have on DVD! No doubt they will correct this soon.
But the BEST thing about Mr Richard is that he is the voice of RHOOBARB AND CUSTARD who are my very favoritest cartoon green dog and pink cat. (Do not try watching all of the cartoons in one go though or the Nuh-nuh-nerrr Nuh-nuh-nerrr theme tune will drive you around the bend! Even more than the Sir Lancelot song!)
After this Daddy R went to see where Daddy A had got to. This was very naughty of him as it meant that he missed the talk from Mr KEV McCURDY who worked on the fights and stunts for the new telly series of DOCTOR WHO. Fortunately, Daddy A met him for his autograph and said he was very, very nice and probably the most genuinely pleased that people WANTED his autograph!
In the afternoon, Daddy R waited with Daddy A in the long queue for autographs from MISS CAMILLE CODURI. Even though this was a very long queue, it actually moved rather quickly and was organised very well! Even so, this meant that Daddy R missed the talk from Mr Dirty Den. Another black mark for Agent Daddy there!
However, he did return to the hall to listen to MISS SARAH SUTTON who once played ROO in WINNIE THE POOH and was in the MOON STALLION before she got to travel with TWO Dr Whos as Nyssa, who is a fairy princess from the planet Traken.
She was asked about her “notorious SKIRT DROPPING scene!” and told us that the producer had said to her “you’ve got such PRETTY underwear and it’s such a shame that no one gets to see it!”
I have looked up the word NAÏVE!
Both of my
[R: And loved a bit of Jackie innuendo!]
She also gave us a bit of a TEASER TRAILER for the SECOND series: apparently Jackie will TIME TRAVEL, and it will be funny how it happens! Daddies are gagging for the new series more than ever now!
After the RAPTUROUS applause for Miss Camille had died down, the day was rounded out with a panel of four excellent people who had all been MONSTERS! Mr Barnaby Edwards and Mr Nicholas Pegg had both trundled and terrified as shiny scary gold DALEKS; Mr Simon Day was the STEWARD who got cooked by THE END OF THE WORLD; and Mr Alan Ruscoe was lots of monsters, but the most terrifying was certainly the ANNE DROID!!!
Anyway, I must go now because I have lots of things to explain to the CLANGERS who have not seen the new series of DOCTOR WHO yet – they have been having to make do with some old films of THE DALEKS MASTER PLAN and FURY FROM THE DEEP.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Day 1907: I was NOT driving!
Friday:
We have CRASH LANDED on the MOON!
I am appealing to the CLANGERS for POLITICAL ASYLUM!
What do you mean "OO-oo OO-OOO-oo-oo OOO"?!?!?!
We have CRASH LANDED on the MOON!
I am appealing to the CLANGERS for POLITICAL ASYLUM!
What do you mean "OO-oo OO-OOO-oo-oo OOO"?!?!?!
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Day 1906: In Space!
Thursday:
After yesterday, I have had to escape in a ROCKET SHIP with my new best friend FLASH GLADSTONE! (He is related to the FAMOUS PRIME MINISTER Richard Gadstone!)
We have BLASTED OFF for the planet MONGO in the hope that His Imperial Supremacy HRH Sir Mr the Merciless will be able to protect me!
Fortunately, we can still get telly here in space!
We were going to watch “Questionable Time”, because Mr David Laws is on it and this means that I can plug Daddy Alex’s blog!
But what’s this? Mr Boy George has just popped up on the telly. Isn’t this after his bedtime?
Anyway, he says that Mr Frown is a jolly rotten stinker and yah boo sucks to him. He says that Mr Frown has ruined the entire country by charging oodles of tax and taking all the sweeties ‘n’ stuff. But don’t worry ‘cos things would be whizzo and double splendid under Mr Balloon who promises to, er, not do anything different ‘cos that would frighten the horses, what ho!
Now let’s raid the tuck shop: lashings of ginger pop all round!
[R: Millennium is crediting the shadow chancellor with more charisma than he actually demonstrated.]
After yesterday, I have had to escape in a ROCKET SHIP with my new best friend FLASH GLADSTONE! (He is related to the FAMOUS PRIME MINISTER Richard Gadstone!)
We have BLASTED OFF for the planet MONGO in the hope that His Imperial Supremacy HRH Sir Mr the Merciless will be able to protect me!
Fortunately, we can still get telly here in space!
We were going to watch “Questionable Time”, because Mr David Laws is on it and this means that I can plug Daddy Alex’s blog!
But what’s this? Mr Boy George has just popped up on the telly. Isn’t this after his bedtime?
Anyway, he says that Mr Frown is a jolly rotten stinker and yah boo sucks to him. He says that Mr Frown has ruined the entire country by charging oodles of tax and taking all the sweeties ‘n’ stuff. But don’t worry ‘cos things would be whizzo and double splendid under Mr Balloon who promises to, er, not do anything different ‘cos that would frighten the horses, what ho!
Now let’s raid the tuck shop: lashings of ginger pop all round!
[R: Millennium is crediting the shadow chancellor with more charisma than he actually demonstrated.]
Day 1905: In Hiding
Wednesday:
Well, the RadioTimes have managed to make Daddy Richard look VERY stupid, because Mr Poirot is back next week and the week after in “After the Funeral” and “Taken at the Flood” so he was wrong BOTH times!
In the meantime, I was going to write a special piece about Mr Frown’s budget but I tried watching it and FELL ASLEEP! Did he say ANYTHING interesting at all? I know he has been doing it for ten years, but it seemed like he went on for ten years ALL IN ONE DAY!
I woke up when Mr Balloon appeared and started shouting. He was very excited about something, but I find it hard to believe it was Mr Frown’s speech. Maybe he had just swallowed a wasp.
But there is MUCH MORE serious news than Mr Frown boring the pants off everyone – Mr Balloon has BETRAYED ME! He has stopped his team in the HOUSE OF LORDS club from voting against GLORIFYING JAMES BOND and now it will be the law!!
I must go now, because I think Mr Blair has sent his STORMTROOPERS to GET ME!!!!!
Well, the RadioTimes have managed to make Daddy Richard look VERY stupid, because Mr Poirot is back next week and the week after in “After the Funeral” and “Taken at the Flood” so he was wrong BOTH times!
In the meantime, I was going to write a special piece about Mr Frown’s budget but I tried watching it and FELL ASLEEP! Did he say ANYTHING interesting at all? I know he has been doing it for ten years, but it seemed like he went on for ten years ALL IN ONE DAY!
I woke up when Mr Balloon appeared and started shouting. He was very excited about something, but I find it hard to believe it was Mr Frown’s speech. Maybe he had just swallowed a wasp.
But there is MUCH MORE serious news than Mr Frown boring the pants off everyone – Mr Balloon has BETRAYED ME! He has stopped his team in the HOUSE OF LORDS club from voting against GLORIFYING JAMES BOND and now it will be the law!!
I must go now, because I think Mr Blair has sent his STORMTROOPERS to GET ME!!!!!
Monday, March 20, 2006
Day 1903: Poirot
Sunday:
My Daddy Richard is a fan of detective mystery stories. My favourite is INSPECTOR MORSE because he has a very cool car, but last night was a different detective, one called Monsieur Hercule Poirot. FromFrance Belgium.
It had a good bit with an old fashioned blue sports car. Apart from that I do not remember much, so I have asked Daddy to say something instead of me.
My Daddy Richard is a fan of detective mystery stories. My favourite is INSPECTOR MORSE because he has a very cool car, but last night was a different detective, one called Monsieur Hercule Poirot. From
It had a good bit with an old fashioned blue sports car. Apart from that I do not remember much, so I have asked Daddy to say something instead of me.
CARDS ON THE TABLE
It is hard to believe, comparing ITV's never less than excellent productions of "Agatha Christie's Poirot" to the kitch slapstick of their abominable "Agatha Christie's Marple" (no MISS), that you are even watching the same channel.
Last night's "Poirot" was, if anything, above the usual standard. Beautifully filmed and acted and a plot that kept entertaining as it twisted. Along the way, Mr P managed to uncover the truth behind no less than five horrible murders, plus um, penetrate the secret of his friend Superintendent Wheeler of the Yard. There is the suspicion that ITV may have added slightly more twilight world of the homosexuals than perhaps Dame Agatha originally included but – unlike "Marple's" "let's bung in some lesbians" attitude – it did work to add to the convolvulations of the plot.
The dénouement, by cunning use of a bluff with an envelope of Mr Shaitana's photographs (though, personally, I got the impression that the revealing photos show one suspect to be TV rather than gay) proves that although the killer is a daring whiz at bridge, it is Poirot who is the ace at poker.
On the acting honours, quite apart from the usual brilliantly observed performance of David Suchet, there was a brilliant turn from Zoë Wannamaker as, well pretty much Dame Agatha Christie, here under the Mary-Sue of Mrs Ariadne Oliver. Although clearly the comic turn, she played it with lightness and sincerity, a gentle mocking of the grande dames of detective fiction (and their occasional lapses of research). Particularly enjoyable were her little glows of pleasure whenever Monsieur Poirot praised her cleverness or success. Last year she was just about the only watchable performance in "Marple", as well as – of course – stealing the show from DOCTOR WHO as the Lady Cassandra O'Brien Dot Delta Seventeen. Goodness alone knows why she sticks with "My Family" – must have a mortgage to pay, I suppose.
Having said all that, Suchet and Wannamaker very nearly had the evening lifted out from under them by a gloriously delicious performance from Alexander Siddig (yes, one-time Doctor Bashir of DEEP SPACE NINE) in spite of him being dead after the first twenty minutes. Assured, decadent and fey and DEEPLY photogenic, plus ambivalently sexual.
Supporting cast managed to keep up with the stars, particularly Lesley Manville as frozen hearted Mrs Lorrimer and Tristan Gemmill as utter cad Major Despard.
Suchet remains on course to complete filming of every Poirot story, apparently doing them in batches of four, with now just twelve novels left to dramatise. I fully expect the last two to be "The Murder on the Orient Express" and "Curtain".
Still to screen of the most recently recorded quartet are apparently "The Big Four" and (one for Millennium) "Elephants Can Remember".
Day 1902: Loans
Saturday:
WELL, no one has offered to loan me ONE MILLION POUNDS so that I can buy myself the title of LORD FLUFFYPHANT yet.
Boo!
There is a great deal of fuss in the newspapers about this. I do not know why. My Daddy Richard is ALWAYS getting rubbish junk-mail in the post saying "have a squillion pound loan and your dreams could come true". Daddy always puts these in the recycling, but probably Mr Blair is just much more GULLIBLE!
(Like the way he always falls for everything he is told by the American President Mr DARTH CHENEY and his pet monkey.)
I have noticed that the Conservatories keep trying to remind everyone about Liberal Prime Minister Mr LLOYD GEORGE selling Peerages like Mr Blair does. If the most recent Liberal dodgy doings that they can come up with is 1922 then REALLY this is a good thing.
A friend of Mr Balloon's called Mr Boy George was on the telly in the morning saying that Mr Balloon would have something interesting to say (so this was BIG news, although it does not appear to have turned out true.) Boy George said that Mr Balloon would be announcing that from now on the Conservatories will stop keeping secret where they get all their money from.
Daddy Richard thinks that this means that someone has just paid off Mr Balloon's overdraft for him.
And now they will stop takingbungs donations of over a million pounds.
"What are the chance that the Tories know 200 people who can give them £100,000 compared to Labour only knowing 20 people who can give them a £million?"
My Daddy is VERY cynical in the mornings!
"We haven't just come up with these policies overnight," said Boy George. "We've spent the last three months getting them ready for when this scandal broke."
Which is a PRETTY AMAZING COINCIDENCE, if you think about it.
Mr Balloon has apparently had another idea: he will reduce MPs by 10%. Some people have suggested that this is because Mr Balloon and his friend Boy George are really HOBBITS: if all the other MPs get 10% smaller then perhaps they will stop ignoring Mr Balloon.
PS
I forgot to say "thank you" to Mr Will for reminding me of the Star Wars game yesterday.
WELL, no one has offered to loan me ONE MILLION POUNDS so that I can buy myself the title of LORD FLUFFYPHANT yet.
Boo!
There is a great deal of fuss in the newspapers about this. I do not know why. My Daddy Richard is ALWAYS getting rubbish junk-mail in the post saying "have a squillion pound loan and your dreams could come true". Daddy always puts these in the recycling, but probably Mr Blair is just much more GULLIBLE!
(Like the way he always falls for everything he is told by the American President Mr DARTH CHENEY and his pet monkey.)
I have noticed that the Conservatories keep trying to remind everyone about Liberal Prime Minister Mr LLOYD GEORGE selling Peerages like Mr Blair does. If the most recent Liberal dodgy doings that they can come up with is 1922 then REALLY this is a good thing.
A friend of Mr Balloon's called Mr Boy George was on the telly in the morning saying that Mr Balloon would have something interesting to say (so this was BIG news, although it does not appear to have turned out true.) Boy George said that Mr Balloon would be announcing that from now on the Conservatories will stop keeping secret where they get all their money from.
Daddy Richard thinks that this means that someone has just paid off Mr Balloon's overdraft for him.
And now they will stop taking
"What are the chance that the Tories know 200 people who can give them £100,000 compared to Labour only knowing 20 people who can give them a £million?"
My Daddy is VERY cynical in the mornings!
"We haven't just come up with these policies overnight," said Boy George. "We've spent the last three months getting them ready for when this scandal broke."
Which is a PRETTY AMAZING COINCIDENCE, if you think about it.
Mr Balloon has apparently had another idea: he will reduce MPs by 10%. Some people have suggested that this is because Mr Balloon and his friend Boy George are really HOBBITS: if all the other MPs get 10% smaller then perhaps they will stop ignoring Mr Balloon.
PS
I forgot to say "thank you" to Mr Will for reminding me of the Star Wars game yesterday.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Day 1901: Star Wars Question
Friday:
We were watching STAR WARS and what I want to know is this: Why don’t the DEATH STAR’S TIE Fighters outnumber the rebels’ X-WINGS a hundred to one? Does Gov Tarkin only send twenty TIE fighters out of a sense of fair play or WHAT?
Anyway, here is a game that my Daddies play and you can play along at home. It is called “Match the Conservatory to the Star Wars quote!”
Here are a few EXAMPLES. You can try and see if you know which Star Wars baddy REALLY said the quote. Or you can make up some of your own!
Norman Tebbit: “I find your lack of faith… disturbing”
John Major: “Strike me down with all of your hate”
Lady Thatcher: “And now, young Jedi… you will die!!!”
Mr Blair (are you SURE he’s a Conservatory, Daddy?): “I love democracy(!)”
and my Daddies’ personal favourite:
Ian Drunken-Swerve: “Evacuate?! In our moment of triumph!?!”
We were watching STAR WARS and what I want to know is this: Why don’t the DEATH STAR’S TIE Fighters outnumber the rebels’ X-WINGS a hundred to one? Does Gov Tarkin only send twenty TIE fighters out of a sense of fair play or WHAT?
Anyway, here is a game that my Daddies play and you can play along at home. It is called “Match the Conservatory to the Star Wars quote!”
Here are a few EXAMPLES. You can try and see if you know which Star Wars baddy REALLY said the quote. Or you can make up some of your own!
Norman Tebbit: “I find your lack of faith… disturbing”
John Major: “Strike me down with all of your hate”
Lady Thatcher: “And now, young Jedi… you will die!!!”
Mr Blair (are you SURE he’s a Conservatory, Daddy?): “I love democracy(!)”
and my Daddies’ personal favourite:
Ian Drunken-Swerve: “Evacuate?! In our moment of triumph!?!”
Friday, March 17, 2006
Day 1900: Creating a Fuss
Thursday:
Today I have learned about CREATIONISM.
Oh very fluffy dear.
Apparently, this is the idea that the WHOLE WORLD and EVERY LIVING THING IN IT were all created by god.
NOT Cuddly Cthulhu! A nice god, more like Mr Blair's imaginary friend. NOT Mr Frown!
Not only that, but it was done in seven days – or rather six days and a day off.
Now this is a VERY NICE STORY that was made up in the OLDEN DAYS (even before Daddy Richard!) in order that Daddies could tell their baby elephants where things came from when they did not really know.
But I have watched all of Daddy Richard's DVDs including WALKING WITH DINOSAURS and THE PLANETS and LIFE ON EARTH with DAVID ATTENBOROUGH and the ASCENT OFMAN ELEPHANTS and so now I know LOTS AND LOTS of stuff.
Nowadays people (and ME!) have learned LOTS AND LOTS of things such as where stars and planets and elements and elephants come from and so now Daddies CAN tell their baby elephants the answers to lots of these questions. (Or at least, baby elephants can go and look the answers up on the Internet!)
But it turns out that some people think their nice story from the olden days is TRUE!
(At least, they SAY that – Daddy Alex thinks that it might be a PRACTICAL JOKE and has a good laugh!)
Perhaps they do not know that people have gone to all the time and trouble of finding out the proper answers for them!
But the worst thing is that some people say they do not believe my new best friends Professor Richard and Romana about EVOLUTION!
Apparently this is because they DO NOT WANT TO BE RELATED TO ANIMALS!
That is VERY RUDE! I feel SNUBBED!!!!!!
I don't want to be related to THEM, but – as the saying goes – you can't pick your relatives, can you!
Now it seems that Mr Blair has given some SCHOOLS to these people so that they canbrainwash indoctrinate educate OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN with this anti-elephant propaganda belief.
They say that this is because their belief is as good as Professor Richard's theory but this is NOT TRUE because their belief is just "the story from the olden days is right" whereas Professor Richard's theory has EVIDENCE that he got with his TIME MACHINE!
[R: a time machine in the form of archaeology, palaeontology, geology, molecular biology and a brain.]
I don't understand why they don't listen to what Professor Richard (and LOTS of other SCIENTISTS) can tell them.
Honestly, if you were walking along and someone stopped you to say "Look! Your shoelace is undone." You wouldn't stick your fingers in your ears and say "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" now would you?!?
Children should have proper schools to go to, and not bamboozling brains trusts run by Mr Blair’s funny friends.
Today I have learned about CREATIONISM.
Oh very fluffy dear.
Apparently, this is the idea that the WHOLE WORLD and EVERY LIVING THING IN IT were all created by god.
NOT Cuddly Cthulhu! A nice god, more like Mr Blair's imaginary friend. NOT Mr Frown!
Not only that, but it was done in seven days – or rather six days and a day off.
Now this is a VERY NICE STORY that was made up in the OLDEN DAYS (even before Daddy Richard!) in order that Daddies could tell their baby elephants where things came from when they did not really know.
But I have watched all of Daddy Richard's DVDs including WALKING WITH DINOSAURS and THE PLANETS and LIFE ON EARTH with DAVID ATTENBOROUGH and the ASCENT OF
Nowadays people (and ME!) have learned LOTS AND LOTS of things such as where stars and planets and elements and elephants come from and so now Daddies CAN tell their baby elephants the answers to lots of these questions. (Or at least, baby elephants can go and look the answers up on the Internet!)
But it turns out that some people think their nice story from the olden days is TRUE!
(At least, they SAY that – Daddy Alex thinks that it might be a PRACTICAL JOKE and has a good laugh!)
Perhaps they do not know that people have gone to all the time and trouble of finding out the proper answers for them!
But the worst thing is that some people say they do not believe my new best friends Professor Richard and Romana about EVOLUTION!
Apparently this is because they DO NOT WANT TO BE RELATED TO ANIMALS!
That is VERY RUDE! I feel SNUBBED!!!!!!
I don't want to be related to THEM, but – as the saying goes – you can't pick your relatives, can you!
Now it seems that Mr Blair has given some SCHOOLS to these people so that they can
They say that this is because their belief is as good as Professor Richard's theory but this is NOT TRUE because their belief is just "the story from the olden days is right" whereas Professor Richard's theory has EVIDENCE that he got with his TIME MACHINE!
[R: a time machine in the form of archaeology, palaeontology, geology, molecular biology and a brain.]
I don't understand why they don't listen to what Professor Richard (and LOTS of other SCIENTISTS) can tell them.
Honestly, if you were walking along and someone stopped you to say "Look! Your shoelace is undone." You wouldn't stick your fingers in your ears and say "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" now would you?!?
Children should have proper schools to go to, and not bamboozling brains trusts run by Mr Blair’s funny friends.
Day 1899: Sue Your Bank; Prizes to be Won
Wednesday:
I am SURE that banks are just as nice as any other people, so I do not know why this story has made both of my Daddies cheer.
Like RHINOS (who are VERY thick!), banks are fond of CHARGES.
You bank is supposed to CHARGE you CHARGES to cover their own costs. For example, they charge you £35 when their robot computer sends you a letter for going £1 overdrawn because they have VERY POSH EXPENSIVE computers – good enough to play STAR WARS LEGO on!
Some people might think that the banks making more than THIRTY-THREE SQUILLION pounds of profit might HINT that they are doing QUITE WELL out of this arrangement. And it turns out they would be RIGHT!
But now you have the SOLUTION! Send in the BAILIFFS!
Those biros on chains have got to be worth SOMETHING, haven’t they!
I am SURE that banks are just as nice as any other people, so I do not know why this story has made both of my Daddies cheer.
Like RHINOS (who are VERY thick!), banks are fond of CHARGES.
You bank is supposed to CHARGE you CHARGES to cover their own costs. For example, they charge you £35 when their robot computer sends you a letter for going £1 overdrawn because they have VERY POSH EXPENSIVE computers – good enough to play STAR WARS LEGO on!
Some people might think that the banks making more than THIRTY-THREE SQUILLION pounds of profit might HINT that they are doing QUITE WELL out of this arrangement. And it turns out they would be RIGHT!
But now you have the SOLUTION! Send in the BAILIFFS!
Those biros on chains have got to be worth SOMETHING, haven’t they!
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Day 1898: Mystery
Tuesday:
Daddy has been watching the Newsnight show again.
It appears that BILLIONS and BILLIONS of Dollars supposedly sent to rebuild Iraq have mysteriously disappeared. Where can they have gone?
In business news: HALLIBURTON announces record profits…
It seems that Mr Balloon (who seems to be better after his BIRD FLU) is not as popular in the polls as he used to be. Horrible contagious NOSE PLAGUE can probably do that to you.
In order to feel better, he has tried to get EVEN MORE like Mr Blair by voting for Mr Blair’s education policy. And then got a bit confused by voting AGAINST him.
Nick MATE-OF-DAVE Robinson says that this is supposed to be embarrassing for Mr Blair.
I SHOULD SAY SO! Honestly. I’d be embarrassed if someone who forgot which way to vote kept HANGING AROUND trying to be like me!
According to Mr Mate-of-Dave, this was NOT a shoddy, opportunistic tactic by Mr Balloon. OH NO! It’s just that Mr Balloon wants to be able to say to the country that he supports Mr Blair and to say to the Conservatory Party that he is opposed to Mr Blair. And this is NOT TWO FACED. Mr Mate-of-Dave said so!
Meanwhile, it appears that MILLIONS and MILLIONS of Pounds supposedly sent as secret loans have mysteriously appeared in Mr Blair’s bank account. Where can they have come from?
Daddy has been watching the Newsnight show again.
It appears that BILLIONS and BILLIONS of Dollars supposedly sent to rebuild Iraq have mysteriously disappeared. Where can they have gone?
In business news: HALLIBURTON announces record profits…
It seems that Mr Balloon (who seems to be better after his BIRD FLU) is not as popular in the polls as he used to be. Horrible contagious NOSE PLAGUE can probably do that to you.
In order to feel better, he has tried to get EVEN MORE like Mr Blair by voting for Mr Blair’s education policy. And then got a bit confused by voting AGAINST him.
Nick MATE-OF-DAVE Robinson says that this is supposed to be embarrassing for Mr Blair.
I SHOULD SAY SO! Honestly. I’d be embarrassed if someone who forgot which way to vote kept HANGING AROUND trying to be like me!
According to Mr Mate-of-Dave, this was NOT a shoddy, opportunistic tactic by Mr Balloon. OH NO! It’s just that Mr Balloon wants to be able to say to the country that he supports Mr Blair and to say to the Conservatory Party that he is opposed to Mr Blair. And this is NOT TWO FACED. Mr Mate-of-Dave said so!
Meanwhile, it appears that MILLIONS and MILLIONS of Pounds supposedly sent as secret loans have mysteriously appeared in Mr Blair’s bank account. Where can they have come from?
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Day 1897: It's an Honour
Monday:
Do you remember how the HOUSE OF LORDS put Mr Blair’s nose out of joint over the I.D.IOT CARDS?
Well, I have discovered that the House of Lords is actually a sort of club that you can join. It has a membership fee of ONE MILLIONDOLLARS POUNDS that you have to pay to Mr Blair.
I wonder why he makes such a fuss when he is the one selling the tickets?
I should like to join this club.
Although I am very happy being called Millennium Dome, I could ALSO be called LORD FLUFFYPHANT. There are too many DINOSAURS but not nearly enough ELEPHANTS in your legislature and anyway, I think that I would look very good on the red leather sofas.
(So long as nobody SAT ON ME!!!! I am NOT that sort of WOOLSACK!!!)
On the other fluffy foot, it is a very WEIRD system where Mr Blair gets to pick who are LORDS. AND he also gets to choose who are KNIGHTS and BISHOPS. Is it like a game of CHESS?
I suppose Mr Blair's friends ask: "would you like a CHEQUE, MATE?"
Daddy says that this is a VERY AWFUL joke.
People seem to be awfully upset about Mr Blair selling honours like this and say that it brings the whole honours system into disrepute. But frankly if you are going to give away prizes for being friends with Mr Blair, you should ask what sort of repute you start with!
That baldy man from the television has been making a bit of a fuss about this too! The baldy man is called NICK MATE-OF-DAVE ROBINSON and just like me, he has a DIARY!
Perhaps someone can explain to me why it is NAUGHTY when one person fixes it for their CHUMS to be in the HOUSE OF LORDS and NOT NAUGHTY when another person fixes it for their CHUM to be leader of the CONSERVATORY PARTY?
Meanwhile, in the paper today, Daddy Richard learned that the police have been using the OYSTER CARDS on the Underground to track people’s movements.
Fortunately, I do not NEED an Oyster Card because I am a SOFT TOY. This is probably why Mr Blair’s stormtroopers have not tracked me down over GLORIFYING JAMES BOND yet!
Do you remember how the HOUSE OF LORDS put Mr Blair’s nose out of joint over the I.D.IOT CARDS?
Well, I have discovered that the House of Lords is actually a sort of club that you can join. It has a membership fee of ONE MILLION
I wonder why he makes such a fuss when he is the one selling the tickets?
I should like to join this club.
Although I am very happy being called Millennium Dome, I could ALSO be called LORD FLUFFYPHANT. There are too many DINOSAURS but not nearly enough ELEPHANTS in your legislature and anyway, I think that I would look very good on the red leather sofas.
(So long as nobody SAT ON ME!!!! I am NOT that sort of WOOLSACK!!!)
On the other fluffy foot, it is a very WEIRD system where Mr Blair gets to pick who are LORDS. AND he also gets to choose who are KNIGHTS and BISHOPS. Is it like a game of CHESS?
I suppose Mr Blair's friends ask: "would you like a CHEQUE, MATE?"
Daddy says that this is a VERY AWFUL joke.
People seem to be awfully upset about Mr Blair selling honours like this and say that it brings the whole honours system into disrepute. But frankly if you are going to give away prizes for being friends with Mr Blair, you should ask what sort of repute you start with!
That baldy man from the television has been making a bit of a fuss about this too! The baldy man is called NICK MATE-OF-DAVE ROBINSON and just like me, he has a DIARY!
Perhaps someone can explain to me why it is NAUGHTY when one person fixes it for their CHUMS to be in the HOUSE OF LORDS and NOT NAUGHTY when another person fixes it for their CHUM to be leader of the CONSERVATORY PARTY?
Meanwhile, in the paper today, Daddy Richard learned that the police have been using the OYSTER CARDS on the Underground to track people’s movements.
Fortunately, I do not NEED an Oyster Card because I am a SOFT TOY. This is probably why Mr Blair’s stormtroopers have not tracked me down over GLORIFYING JAMES BOND yet!
Monday, March 13, 2006
Day 1896: Freeview
Sunday:
I have managed to build a new television out of LEGO.
I have told my Daddies that the picture looks like this because it comes from FREEVIEW. Daddy Alex is suspicious – he thinks it looks better than usual.
Freeview is a new way of watching television. It works a bit like my DVDs, by breaking the picture down into numbers. But instead of scooping them all up onto a lovely shiny disc, the television people hurl them into the air in the hope that your telly will catch all of them.
I have tried to catch some of these numbers with my big fluffy ears but it does not work. I suspect that there is INTERFERENCE because I keep receiving messages from ALIENS instead.
Freeview used to be advertised by GIANT EXPLODING HEADS flying over the country. Apparently people found this head-explodingly terrifying. Well I could have told you that! Nowadays they have MARGO from the GOOD LIFE telling you how very nice it is in her VERY REASSURING voice.
Soon it will not be possible to watch television in the old fashioned way and everyone will have to have Freeview. This is supposed to be better, but PERSONALLY I am not sure that letting giant exploding heads roam the country is a COMPLETELY good idea.
Also in the news, the CLONE of Mr Blair who runs the London police is in trouble AGAIN.
Apparently he has been caught making a SECRET TAPE RECORDING of a telephone conversation. It turns out the conversation was ABOUT making a SECRET TAPE RECORDING of telephone conversations.
I have looked up IRONIC.
According to BALDRIC, Irony is like Coppery and Bronzy only made of Iron.
I am NOT SURE that this is right!
In case you haven’t guessed, my Daddies are back from their holiday. You would think they had been to the NORTH POLE with all the fuss they make about the cold. If they have been to the North Pole, then they should have brought me presents from FATHER CHRISTMAS! (NOT!)
I have managed to build a new television out of LEGO.
I have told my Daddies that the picture looks like this because it comes from FREEVIEW. Daddy Alex is suspicious – he thinks it looks better than usual.
Freeview is a new way of watching television. It works a bit like my DVDs, by breaking the picture down into numbers. But instead of scooping them all up onto a lovely shiny disc, the television people hurl them into the air in the hope that your telly will catch all of them.
I have tried to catch some of these numbers with my big fluffy ears but it does not work. I suspect that there is INTERFERENCE because I keep receiving messages from ALIENS instead.
Freeview used to be advertised by GIANT EXPLODING HEADS flying over the country. Apparently people found this head-explodingly terrifying. Well I could have told you that! Nowadays they have MARGO from the GOOD LIFE telling you how very nice it is in her VERY REASSURING voice.
Soon it will not be possible to watch television in the old fashioned way and everyone will have to have Freeview. This is supposed to be better, but PERSONALLY I am not sure that letting giant exploding heads roam the country is a COMPLETELY good idea.
Also in the news, the CLONE of Mr Blair who runs the London police is in trouble AGAIN.
Apparently he has been caught making a SECRET TAPE RECORDING of a telephone conversation. It turns out the conversation was ABOUT making a SECRET TAPE RECORDING of telephone conversations.
I have looked up IRONIC.
According to BALDRIC, Irony is like Coppery and Bronzy only made of Iron.
I am NOT SURE that this is right!
In case you haven’t guessed, my Daddies are back from their holiday. You would think they had been to the NORTH POLE with all the fuss they make about the cold. If they have been to the North Pole, then they should have brought me presents from FATHER CHRISTMAS! (NOT!)
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Day 1895: Holidays
Saturday:
Cuddly Cthulhu got summoned up by someone with a dodgy copy of the Necronomicon and had to go and SMITE someone. This means that I won the staring contest by default.
HOORAY!
Meanwhile, my Daddies have gone on holiday to somewhere. I think it was on the south coast of England so they were probably practicing for the next WINTER OLYMPICS. But the IMPORTANT THING is that this means that the telly is MINE for the weekend!!
In spite of what Mr Will said, I have been watching DIE ANOTHER DAY. It is NOT pish, and is in fact VERY good. It is DEFINITELY in my top twenty James Bond Films.
I like ALL of it. Even the bit when James Bond parachutes off the CARTOON ICEBERG. Even the bit with MADONNA!
I managed to watch it twice before Cuddly Cthulhu got back andsmited smit smote the television.
Does anyone know where I can find a new telly before my Daddies get home???
Cuddly Cthulhu got summoned up by someone with a dodgy copy of the Necronomicon and had to go and SMITE someone. This means that I won the staring contest by default.
HOORAY!
Meanwhile, my Daddies have gone on holiday to somewhere. I think it was on the south coast of England so they were probably practicing for the next WINTER OLYMPICS. But the IMPORTANT THING is that this means that the telly is MINE for the weekend!!
In spite of what Mr Will said, I have been watching DIE ANOTHER DAY. It is NOT pish, and is in fact VERY good. It is DEFINITELY in my top twenty James Bond Films.
I like ALL of it. Even the bit when James Bond parachutes off the CARTOON ICEBERG. Even the bit with MADONNA!
I managed to watch it twice before Cuddly Cthulhu got back and
Does anyone know where I can find a new telly before my Daddies get home???
Friday, March 10, 2006
Day 1894: Staring Contest
Friday:
Today, CUDDLY CTHULHU wants to watch the LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM. AGAIN!
And I want to watch DIE ANOTHER DAY. (Which I have NOT watched more than two or three or twelve times!)
So we are going to have a staring contest to decide who gets to watch the telly…
Blink, you fluffy fiend!
Today, CUDDLY CTHULHU wants to watch the LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM. AGAIN!
And I want to watch DIE ANOTHER DAY. (Which I have NOT watched more than two or three or twelve times!)
So we are going to have a staring contest to decide who gets to watch the telly…
Blink, you fluffy fiend!
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Day 1893: Mr Frown
Thursday:
This is BAD news: Mr BALLOON has BIRD FLU! It is NO FUN to have a nasty case of the SNIFFS!
Since Mr Balloon is unwell, today I will tell you about the LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION instead.
Here is an INTERESTING FACT: although TEN DOWNING STREET is the home of the Prime Minister, Mr Blair does not live there! In fact a man called MR GORDON FROWN lives at Number Ten Downing Street…
(…and Mr Blair lives in a HOLLOWED OUT VOLCANO!)
However, Mr Frown would like to be living in Ten Downing Street FOR REAL as the REAL Prime Minister.
Mr Frown is like a BANK MANAGER – he likes to keep all of your money and then sends you bills for things you did NOT want in the first place. Usually rubbish things like a LETTER telling you you have gone OVERDRAWN or a SMALL WAR in the MIDDLE EAST. That sort of thing.
When he first started out, Mr Frown was very good. Mostly this is because he did other people's policies instead of his own. He did the LIBERAL DEMOCRAT policy of independenting the BANK OF ENGLAND and he did the Conservatory policy of not paying any doctors or teachers or lollipop ladies any more money AT ALL for AGES.
This was calledripping off other peoples ideas being PRUDENT.
However, after a bit I THINK Mr Frown got a bit bored. I know I would have. So he decided to uses everybody's money to buy some nice new things. An IPOD. A BLACKBERRY. An entire new NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE. And so on.
Unfortunately even with everybody's money he didn't have enough, but fortunately some very nice people called LOAN SHARKS DIRECT and SELL US YOUR SOUL dot COM agreed to let him buy lots of schools and hospitals on the NEVER-NEVER. This means that all of you people will have to keep paying for them until they fall down. And probably for a bit after that!
This is calledbuying popularity likes it's going out of fashion being PRUDENT.
Recently he has been trying to change his image.
For a long time he has been seen as the HERO of OLD LABOUR; Mr Frown does NOT want to be the HERO OF OLD LABOUR – he wants to be PRIME MINISTER thank you very much, so he is trying VERY, VERY hard to be like Mr Blair.
This involves leaving his bank and going around the country meeting people saying:
"Hullo. Nice to meet you. What are your thought on the stability growth pact? Do you want to make poverty history? Oh, sorry that was last year! No! Stop! Please come back! I'll give you your wallet back!"
Apparently he has also had his teeth fixed, but I cannot tell because you people are STRANGE and keep all of your teeth inside your mouths where they cannot be much use AT ALL!
Personally, I suggest that he finds himself a nice WHITE CAT and a SECRET BASE IN THE ALPS.
This is BAD news: Mr BALLOON has BIRD FLU! It is NO FUN to have a nasty case of the SNIFFS!
Since Mr Balloon is unwell, today I will tell you about the LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION instead.
Here is an INTERESTING FACT: although TEN DOWNING STREET is the home of the Prime Minister, Mr Blair does not live there! In fact a man called MR GORDON FROWN lives at Number Ten Downing Street…
(…and Mr Blair lives in a HOLLOWED OUT VOLCANO!)
However, Mr Frown would like to be living in Ten Downing Street FOR REAL as the REAL Prime Minister.
Mr Frown is like a BANK MANAGER – he likes to keep all of your money and then sends you bills for things you did NOT want in the first place. Usually rubbish things like a LETTER telling you you have gone OVERDRAWN or a SMALL WAR in the MIDDLE EAST. That sort of thing.
When he first started out, Mr Frown was very good. Mostly this is because he did other people's policies instead of his own. He did the LIBERAL DEMOCRAT policy of independenting the BANK OF ENGLAND and he did the Conservatory policy of not paying any doctors or teachers or lollipop ladies any more money AT ALL for AGES.
This was called
However, after a bit I THINK Mr Frown got a bit bored. I know I would have. So he decided to uses everybody's money to buy some nice new things. An IPOD. A BLACKBERRY. An entire new NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE. And so on.
Unfortunately even with everybody's money he didn't have enough, but fortunately some very nice people called LOAN SHARKS DIRECT and SELL US YOUR SOUL dot COM agreed to let him buy lots of schools and hospitals on the NEVER-NEVER. This means that all of you people will have to keep paying for them until they fall down. And probably for a bit after that!
This is called
Recently he has been trying to change his image.
For a long time he has been seen as the HERO of OLD LABOUR; Mr Frown does NOT want to be the HERO OF OLD LABOUR – he wants to be PRIME MINISTER thank you very much, so he is trying VERY, VERY hard to be like Mr Blair.
This involves leaving his bank and going around the country meeting people saying:
"Hullo. Nice to meet you. What are your thought on the stability growth pact? Do you want to make poverty history? Oh, sorry that was last year! No! Stop! Please come back! I'll give you your wallet back!"
Apparently he has also had his teeth fixed, but I cannot tell because you people are STRANGE and keep all of your teeth inside your mouths where they cannot be much use AT ALL!
Personally, I suggest that he finds himself a nice WHITE CAT and a SECRET BASE IN THE ALPS.
Day 1892: About Time
Wednesday:
Excellent news, today! My favouritest MP – Sarah Teather – has been given a promotion by His Supremacy HRH Sir Mr the Merciless. She is now to be Shadow Secretary of State for Education.
This is a big step up from shadowing the Minister for Keeping Old Labour Onside!
Education is ANOTHER place where Mr Blair made a PROMISE and then did the EXACT OPPOSITE! He said he was going to make sure no one got charged TOP UP FEES for going to UNIVERSITY – and then he only goes and CHARGES THEM HIMSELF!
Mr Blair said that his top three priorities would be Education, Education, Education.
Someone needs to tell him that this is not three priorities but one priority SAID THREE TIMES. Even I can count better than THAT!
Daddy says that his promise might have been Education, Education, Education, but his actions have been Bodge It, Fudge It, Forget It.
By the way, Daddy Alex has said that I am wrong to call Mr Who Mr Who. I have checked, and Daddy is RIGHT – his name is actually Mr HEWN. Does this mean he is made from a block of WOOD?
Mr the Merciless has made Mr Hewn Shadow Secretary of State for the ENVIRONMENT, and I think this includes ELEPHANTS. I hope so as he is nice.
Meanwhile, Daddy Alex has a new book. It is called ABOUT TIME ONE and it is about DOCTOR WHO (and only a bit about TIME). It is VERY ironic that it is called ABOUT TIME because Daddy was promised this book LAST AUGUST!
However, this is actually GOOD timing, because my Daddies are watching the beginning of Doctor Who at the moment on a DVD called THE BEGINNING (well Duh!)
About Time is written by two people called Mr LARRY and MR TAT – or as Daddy Alex now calls them Mr TARRY and Mr LATE! (To be FAIR to Mr Tarry and Mr Late they HAVE already written book number three and book number four and book number five, so they have been QUITE busy!)
It is without doubt the BIGGEST reference book about Doctor Who SO FAR. I think that the FOUR books they have finished so far are probably almost as big as ME. And it is much less BORING than… erm… some of the others.
On the other hand, they are very OPINIONATED. Sometime my Daddies start betting QUATLOOS on which of them is going to BASH the other. And sometimes they turn my Daddy PURPLE with some of the things they say are FACTS.
(I do not know why the words “UNIT dating” makes my Daddies go purple!)
I have a sneaking suspicion that Daddies LIKE going purple. They certainly seem to enjoy this book.
Excellent news, today! My favouritest MP – Sarah Teather – has been given a promotion by His Supremacy HRH Sir Mr the Merciless. She is now to be Shadow Secretary of State for Education.
This is a big step up from shadowing the Minister for Keeping Old Labour Onside!
Education is ANOTHER place where Mr Blair made a PROMISE and then did the EXACT OPPOSITE! He said he was going to make sure no one got charged TOP UP FEES for going to UNIVERSITY – and then he only goes and CHARGES THEM HIMSELF!
Mr Blair said that his top three priorities would be Education, Education, Education.
Someone needs to tell him that this is not three priorities but one priority SAID THREE TIMES. Even I can count better than THAT!
Daddy says that his promise might have been Education, Education, Education, but his actions have been Bodge It, Fudge It, Forget It.
By the way, Daddy Alex has said that I am wrong to call Mr Who Mr Who. I have checked, and Daddy is RIGHT – his name is actually Mr HEWN. Does this mean he is made from a block of WOOD?
Mr the Merciless has made Mr Hewn Shadow Secretary of State for the ENVIRONMENT, and I think this includes ELEPHANTS. I hope so as he is nice.
Meanwhile, Daddy Alex has a new book. It is called ABOUT TIME ONE and it is about DOCTOR WHO (and only a bit about TIME). It is VERY ironic that it is called ABOUT TIME because Daddy was promised this book LAST AUGUST!
However, this is actually GOOD timing, because my Daddies are watching the beginning of Doctor Who at the moment on a DVD called THE BEGINNING (well Duh!)
About Time is written by two people called Mr LARRY and MR TAT – or as Daddy Alex now calls them Mr TARRY and Mr LATE! (To be FAIR to Mr Tarry and Mr Late they HAVE already written book number three and book number four and book number five, so they have been QUITE busy!)
It is without doubt the BIGGEST reference book about Doctor Who SO FAR. I think that the FOUR books they have finished so far are probably almost as big as ME. And it is much less BORING than… erm… some of the others.
On the other hand, they are very OPINIONATED. Sometime my Daddies start betting QUATLOOS on which of them is going to BASH the other. And sometimes they turn my Daddy PURPLE with some of the things they say are FACTS.
(I do not know why the words “UNIT dating” makes my Daddies go purple!)
I have a sneaking suspicion that Daddies LIKE going purple. They certainly seem to enjoy this book.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Day 1891: The Elephant of Surprise
Tuesday:
On the radio, a man from the police is saying that the police should keep their SHOOT TO KILL policy. But it should not be CALLED shoot to kill. Even though it involves SHOOTING people in order to KILL them.
Daddy Richard says I should look up DOUBLETHINK.
Anyway, the man from the police says that the police have asked themselves VERY SERIOUSLY whether they want to carry on SHOOTING TO KILL people and the police have said YES PLEASE.
Apparently this is because the THREAT of TERRORISTS is so great that the police must keep the ELEMENT OF SURPRISE.
I suppose it must SURPRISE the terrorists when the POLICE go around SHOOTING people at random. It probably confuses them when the POLICE are causing MORE TERROR than the terrorists.
I am not sure how this helps the situation, though.
There is probably a PLAN.
It is NOT a SECRET PLAN, though. The man from the police said so. He said that even though the public were not told about it, several police people knew about it so it cannot have been a secret.
Daddy is rolling his eyes again!
I am probably being OLD FASHIONED but I think that the police should probably be doing what elected people ask them to do rather than deciding what they want to do for themselves.
Incidentally, I have noticed that the police are ALSO run by a Mr Blair. I think that he might be CLONING himself.
On the radio, a man from the police is saying that the police should keep their SHOOT TO KILL policy. But it should not be CALLED shoot to kill. Even though it involves SHOOTING people in order to KILL them.
Daddy Richard says I should look up DOUBLETHINK.
Anyway, the man from the police says that the police have asked themselves VERY SERIOUSLY whether they want to carry on SHOOTING TO KILL people and the police have said YES PLEASE.
Apparently this is because the THREAT of TERRORISTS is so great that the police must keep the ELEMENT OF SURPRISE.
I suppose it must SURPRISE the terrorists when the POLICE go around SHOOTING people at random. It probably confuses them when the POLICE are causing MORE TERROR than the terrorists.
I am not sure how this helps the situation, though.
There is probably a PLAN.
It is NOT a SECRET PLAN, though. The man from the police said so. He said that even though the public were not told about it, several police people knew about it so it cannot have been a secret.
Daddy is rolling his eyes again!
I am probably being OLD FASHIONED but I think that the police should probably be doing what elected people ask them to do rather than deciding what they want to do for themselves.
Incidentally, I have noticed that the police are ALSO run by a Mr Blair. I think that he might be CLONING himself.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Day 1890: I.D.IOTs
Monday:
Today Mr Blair is quite cross.
(You can tell that he is VERY cross when he starts appearing on the TELLY saying that people who do not agree with him are cuddling TERRORISTS or helping them to explode GRANNIES or something. He is not doing that today so he is only QUITE cross this time. This means that he sends a shaved teddy bear called Mr Clarke to do the shouting for him.)
Anyway, he is quite cross with some people called The HOUSE OF LORDS. Even though they are seriously geriatric (even older than HRH Sir Mr the Merciless!), they are actually quite clever some of the time. It must be because they get plenty of sleep.
What Mr Blair is cross about is I.D. CARDS. These are bits of card that tell you who you are. I do not NEED a bit of card to tell me who I am – I think I.D. must stand for IDIOT if they are for people who forget who they are! Personally I would be QUITE CROSS if someone told me I needed a piece of card to tell me who I am – but apparently this is NOT what Mr Blair is cross about.
The HOUSE OF LORDS have told Mr Blair that he cannot FORCE people to get an I.D.IOT card when they only want a PASSPORT.
(A PASSPORT is like a get out of jail free card for getting out of the country, and with Mr Blair in charge you will understand that they are VERY POPULAR at the moment!)
Funnily enough, last year Mr Blair wrote in his MANIFESTO that the I.D.IOT card scheme would be VOLUNTARY. I had to look up VOLUNTARY. In MY dictionary that means that people get to CHOOSE whether they want one or not. But Mr Blair often seems to be using a different dictionary to me.
The HOUSE OF LORDS told Mr Blair that since he promised that the I.D.IOT cards should be VOLUNTARY then that is what they should BE. Mr Blair says that this is against something that is called the SALISBURY CONFECTION (which I think is a sort of CAKE).
I think if Mr Blair promised something then he should keep his promises, but I am afraid that this will only get me LOCKED UP for GLORIFYING the HOUSE OF LORDS. Who are probably TERRORISTS by now. At least in Mr Blair’s dictionary.
Today Mr Blair is quite cross.
(You can tell that he is VERY cross when he starts appearing on the TELLY saying that people who do not agree with him are cuddling TERRORISTS or helping them to explode GRANNIES or something. He is not doing that today so he is only QUITE cross this time. This means that he sends a shaved teddy bear called Mr Clarke to do the shouting for him.)
Anyway, he is quite cross with some people called The HOUSE OF LORDS. Even though they are seriously geriatric (even older than HRH Sir Mr the Merciless!), they are actually quite clever some of the time. It must be because they get plenty of sleep.
What Mr Blair is cross about is I.D. CARDS. These are bits of card that tell you who you are. I do not NEED a bit of card to tell me who I am – I think I.D. must stand for IDIOT if they are for people who forget who they are! Personally I would be QUITE CROSS if someone told me I needed a piece of card to tell me who I am – but apparently this is NOT what Mr Blair is cross about.
The HOUSE OF LORDS have told Mr Blair that he cannot FORCE people to get an I.D.IOT card when they only want a PASSPORT.
(A PASSPORT is like a get out of jail free card for getting out of the country, and with Mr Blair in charge you will understand that they are VERY POPULAR at the moment!)
Funnily enough, last year Mr Blair wrote in his MANIFESTO that the I.D.IOT card scheme would be VOLUNTARY. I had to look up VOLUNTARY. In MY dictionary that means that people get to CHOOSE whether they want one or not. But Mr Blair often seems to be using a different dictionary to me.
The HOUSE OF LORDS told Mr Blair that since he promised that the I.D.IOT cards should be VOLUNTARY then that is what they should BE. Mr Blair says that this is against something that is called the SALISBURY CONFECTION (which I think is a sort of CAKE).
I think if Mr Blair promised something then he should keep his promises, but I am afraid that this will only get me LOCKED UP for GLORIFYING the HOUSE OF LORDS. Who are probably TERRORISTS by now. At least in Mr Blair’s dictionary.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Day 1889: Evolution
Sunday:
This is yesterday's diary, a day late AGAIN. Obviously this is Daddy's fault and NOT MINE!
It is late because Daddy was watching his new DVD of SERENITY. This is one of the best films ever that doesn't have cars in.
The good news is that we also watched the last STAR TREK which means that we have finally, finally, finally finished!
Meanwhile, on the telly, Mr Blair has said that he expects GOD to judge him.
Daddy says this would come across better if Mr Blair didn't say that HE was acting on his CONSCIENCE and everyone ELSE was being OPPORTUNIST. Actually, Daddy Richard said some other things too, but I think that they were rude.
I must look up SANCTIMONIOUS.
If by "god" Mr Blair means an imaginary person who lives in the sky, you can see why he would rather be judged by him than by a real judge!
The only god that I know is CUDDLY CTHULHU, so I have asked him for his judgement on Mr Blair. Let's just say Mr Blair need not bother with HARP LESSONS!
However, this has reminded me of something.
My Daddy Richard has been listening to CDs by Professor Richard Dawkins of Oxford University and his wife Romana.
(CDs are like DVDs with no pictures – I know this sounds silly, but they are much better for in the car because the pictures would distract Daddy from driving and he might crash and hurt Penfold.)
Anyway, Professor Richard's CDs are called THE ANCESTOR'S TALE. They are very good. Professor Richard and Romana get into their time machine and go on a journey backwards in time, meeting their ANCESTORS along the way. As they go – and this is the clever bit – they meet up with other time travellers from all the other species on Earth.
This is because of a thing called EVOLUTION.
EVOLUTION means animals (and plants too!) change into new animals. Some animals are better than others at surviving in the place where they live – so they tend to have more babies and so animals like them become more common.
Suppose you do lots of walking – animals with big, flat feet do better. And suppose you are somewhere very hot, animals with big flappy ears for cooling down do better. HOORAY! Elephants evolved!
This takes LOTS AND LOTS of time (LONGER than watching all of STAR TREK!)
Now, and this is the REALLY clever bit, when the animals go to a new place, it might be DIFFERENT things that are better for surviving. So the animals in the new place change into a different sort from the first lot.
For EXAMPLE, a long time ago, some of YOUR ancestors lived in a forest and decided to come out and that’s when you started to change into PEOPLE.
BUT some of them STAYED in the forest and they became CHIMPANZEES.
Isn't that EXCITING! It means that you and chimpanzees have a great, great, great, great, great, great, and then some grandparent in common!
So when Professor Richard and Romana set off on their time trip, the FIRST people who aren't people that they meet up with are chimpanzees, because they are your nearest relatives in the WORLD!
But that is not all! You are also related to gorillas and to rats and mice and to whales and hippopotamus and GUESS WHAT! You are related to ELEPHANTS TOO!
(Apparently we are also related to lions and tigers and potatoes too, which is much more DUBIOUS. I can believe that RHINOS are related to POTATOES, but I am not sure about ELEPHANTS.)
Professor Richard says that some people do not believe in EVOLUTION. They are silly! If all the animals had been created at the same time, then the DINOSAURS would have eaten all the PEOPLE. I have seen JURASSIC PARK!
I should also say that today I feel SAD for a lady called TESSA JOWELL.
She is a friend of Mr Blair, which is not why I am sad for her, but she has just lost her husband because he might have been a bit dodgy. I am sure that SHE must be feeling SAD too; I know I would be.
I wish that the Conservatories and the telly people would just LEAVE HER ALONE for a bit until she feels better. I know the Conservatories are supposed to be the nasty party and I am only a soft, fluffy elephant but this just seems MEAN.
I think that they are just cross because Mr Balloon made a speech yesterday and nobody noticed because they were all much more interested in Mr the Merciless. Here is a clue to help you out, Mr Balloon: SAY SOMETHING INTERESTING!
This is yesterday's diary, a day late AGAIN. Obviously this is Daddy's fault and NOT MINE!
It is late because Daddy was watching his new DVD of SERENITY. This is one of the best films ever that doesn't have cars in.
The good news is that we also watched the last STAR TREK which means that we have finally, finally, finally finished!
Meanwhile, on the telly, Mr Blair has said that he expects GOD to judge him.
Daddy says this would come across better if Mr Blair didn't say that HE was acting on his CONSCIENCE and everyone ELSE was being OPPORTUNIST. Actually, Daddy Richard said some other things too, but I think that they were rude.
I must look up SANCTIMONIOUS.
If by "god" Mr Blair means an imaginary person who lives in the sky, you can see why he would rather be judged by him than by a real judge!
The only god that I know is CUDDLY CTHULHU, so I have asked him for his judgement on Mr Blair. Let's just say Mr Blair need not bother with HARP LESSONS!
However, this has reminded me of something.
My Daddy Richard has been listening to CDs by Professor Richard Dawkins of Oxford University and his wife Romana.
(CDs are like DVDs with no pictures – I know this sounds silly, but they are much better for in the car because the pictures would distract Daddy from driving and he might crash and hurt Penfold.)
Anyway, Professor Richard's CDs are called THE ANCESTOR'S TALE. They are very good. Professor Richard and Romana get into their time machine and go on a journey backwards in time, meeting their ANCESTORS along the way. As they go – and this is the clever bit – they meet up with other time travellers from all the other species on Earth.
This is because of a thing called EVOLUTION.
EVOLUTION means animals (and plants too!) change into new animals. Some animals are better than others at surviving in the place where they live – so they tend to have more babies and so animals like them become more common.
Suppose you do lots of walking – animals with big, flat feet do better. And suppose you are somewhere very hot, animals with big flappy ears for cooling down do better. HOORAY! Elephants evolved!
This takes LOTS AND LOTS of time (LONGER than watching all of STAR TREK!)
Now, and this is the REALLY clever bit, when the animals go to a new place, it might be DIFFERENT things that are better for surviving. So the animals in the new place change into a different sort from the first lot.
For EXAMPLE, a long time ago, some of YOUR ancestors lived in a forest and decided to come out and that’s when you started to change into PEOPLE.
BUT some of them STAYED in the forest and they became CHIMPANZEES.
Isn't that EXCITING! It means that you and chimpanzees have a great, great, great, great, great, great, and then some grandparent in common!
So when Professor Richard and Romana set off on their time trip, the FIRST people who aren't people that they meet up with are chimpanzees, because they are your nearest relatives in the WORLD!
But that is not all! You are also related to gorillas and to rats and mice and to whales and hippopotamus and GUESS WHAT! You are related to ELEPHANTS TOO!
(Apparently we are also related to lions and tigers and potatoes too, which is much more DUBIOUS. I can believe that RHINOS are related to POTATOES, but I am not sure about ELEPHANTS.)
Professor Richard says that some people do not believe in EVOLUTION. They are silly! If all the animals had been created at the same time, then the DINOSAURS would have eaten all the PEOPLE. I have seen JURASSIC PARK!
I should also say that today I feel SAD for a lady called TESSA JOWELL.
She is a friend of Mr Blair, which is not why I am sad for her, but she has just lost her husband because he might have been a bit dodgy. I am sure that SHE must be feeling SAD too; I know I would be.
I wish that the Conservatories and the telly people would just LEAVE HER ALONE for a bit until she feels better. I know the Conservatories are supposed to be the nasty party and I am only a soft, fluffy elephant but this just seems MEAN.
I think that they are just cross because Mr Balloon made a speech yesterday and nobody noticed because they were all much more interested in Mr the Merciless. Here is a clue to help you out, Mr Balloon: SAY SOMETHING INTERESTING!
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Day 1888: When the Stars Are Right
Saturday:
Mr James has written a post about ME!
He says that his friend was too temperamental to write a blog. Little does he know… CUDDLY CTHULHU is a friend of MINE as well!
LOOK!
Remember boys and girls:
When Bagpuss wakes up, all his friends wake up.
When Cuddly Cthulhu wakes up, all his friends die horribly in screaming madness.
Don't have nightmares.
Mr James has written a post about ME!
He says that his friend was too temperamental to write a blog. Little does he know… CUDDLY CTHULHU is a friend of MINE as well!
LOOK!
Remember boys and girls:
When Bagpuss wakes up, all his friends wake up.
When Cuddly Cthulhu wakes up, all his friends die horribly in screaming madness.
Don't have nightmares.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Day 1887: Emperor of the Universe
Friday:
Last night Daddy Alex found a photograph of me from years ago. "Look how clean he was back then," he says, prompting Daddy Richard to start mopping my fluffy features with a damp cloth. Personally, I think bits of sticky bun add a certain distinction to an elephant's face, but Daddy was having none of that.
Also, the Liberal Democrats have chosen a new leader. This was called an ELECTION, which is a bit like The Apprentice but without ALIEN LIZARDS. (Probably.)
The Liberal Democrats do elections with Single Transferable Vote. That means they only have one vote but they pass it around so that they all have a turn to use it, which sounds FAIR to me.
Apparently, Mr Blair prefers One Member One Vote so long as he is the One Member with the Vote. Mr Balloon's Conservatories prefer a system called First Past the Port. They say that Single Transferable Vote is TOO COMPLICATED. That is NOT RIGHT! I am only a fluffy elephant but I can pick first second and third – even without being a count like Daddy – so it cannot be THAT difficult!
Anyway, the winner was Menzies the Merciless, who beat Mr Who and Mr Hugs. Menzies is a funny name, because although it is spelt Menzies it is pronounced Throat-Warbler Mangrove.
Mr the Merciless, or to give him his full title: Sir Mr the Merciless, was apparently an Olympic Runner. The Olympic Games were held in a country called Greece THOUSANDS of years ago, so Sir Mr the Merciless is doing very well to still keep going! It is probably VITAMINS.
But since then, Sir Mr the Merciless has been an EMINENT lawyer. That is very nearly an ELEPHANT lawyer, so I hope he will be able to help me when Mr Blair LOCKS ME UP for glorifying James Bond.
The best thing about Mr the Merciless is that he has lots of nice young friends including Sarah Teather who is my favouritest MP because she is the same size as ME!
In a way, I think that it is a shame that Mr Who did not win, because then he could have teamed up with Dr Who and that would have been very funny.
Also, I think that it is a shame that Mr Hugs did not win, because I think that HUGS are good – I AM a CUDDLY toy, after all.
Fortunately, because this is not The Apprentice, Sir Mr the Merciless did not say "You're Fired" to Mr Who or Mr Hugs, so I hope that they can all work with him.
Now I think that the first thing Sir Mr the Merciless should do is replace his old battle bus with WAR ROCKET AJAX!
Last night Daddy Alex found a photograph of me from years ago. "Look how clean he was back then," he says, prompting Daddy Richard to start mopping my fluffy features with a damp cloth. Personally, I think bits of sticky bun add a certain distinction to an elephant's face, but Daddy was having none of that.
Also, the Liberal Democrats have chosen a new leader. This was called an ELECTION, which is a bit like The Apprentice but without ALIEN LIZARDS. (Probably.)
The Liberal Democrats do elections with Single Transferable Vote. That means they only have one vote but they pass it around so that they all have a turn to use it, which sounds FAIR to me.
Apparently, Mr Blair prefers One Member One Vote so long as he is the One Member with the Vote. Mr Balloon's Conservatories prefer a system called First Past the Port. They say that Single Transferable Vote is TOO COMPLICATED. That is NOT RIGHT! I am only a fluffy elephant but I can pick first second and third – even without being a count like Daddy – so it cannot be THAT difficult!
Anyway, the winner was Menzies the Merciless, who beat Mr Who and Mr Hugs. Menzies is a funny name, because although it is spelt Menzies it is pronounced Throat-Warbler Mangrove.
Mr the Merciless, or to give him his full title: Sir Mr the Merciless, was apparently an Olympic Runner. The Olympic Games were held in a country called Greece THOUSANDS of years ago, so Sir Mr the Merciless is doing very well to still keep going! It is probably VITAMINS.
But since then, Sir Mr the Merciless has been an EMINENT lawyer. That is very nearly an ELEPHANT lawyer, so I hope he will be able to help me when Mr Blair LOCKS ME UP for glorifying James Bond.
The best thing about Mr the Merciless is that he has lots of nice young friends including Sarah Teather who is my favouritest MP because she is the same size as ME!
In a way, I think that it is a shame that Mr Who did not win, because then he could have teamed up with Dr Who and that would have been very funny.
Also, I think that it is a shame that Mr Hugs did not win, because I think that HUGS are good – I AM a CUDDLY toy, after all.
Fortunately, because this is not The Apprentice, Sir Mr the Merciless did not say "You're Fired" to Mr Who or Mr Hugs, so I hope that they can all work with him.
Now I think that the first thing Sir Mr the Merciless should do is replace his old battle bus with WAR ROCKET AJAX!
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Day 1886: The Apprentice
Thursday:
Speaking of Daleks, last night Daddy Richard wanted to watch THE APPRENTICE on the BBC.
This is a game show where POWER CRAZED ALIEN LIZARDS try to convince a fluffy person called Sir Alan Sugar to give them a job.
"It's like Big Brother with live ammo," says Daddy Richard.
Actually, Mr Sir Alan is a bit too CRABBY to be fluffy really – like Daddy Richard when he hears Mr Balloon on the Radio but ALL THE TIME! On the other hand, he DOES get to drive around in a big Rolls Royce (even if Daddy Richard says that that looks like a Dalek too!) It has the registration number "AMS", which clearly stands for Mr Sir Alan, but they got the letters in the wrong order. I do that sometimes, so it is very understandable, and number plates probably do not have spell checker to help them either.
Last night, Mr Sir Alan asked the ALIEN LIZARDS to try and make a calendar to sell that would raise money for Great Ormond Street Hospital.
The boys' team decided to take pictures of cute babies (YUCK!) but the girls' team decided to take pictures of kittens (DOUBLE YUCK WITH KETCHUP!).
"What have Kittens got to do with Great Ormond Street?" demands Daddy Alex.
Twenty minutes later: "What have Kittens got to do with Great Ormond Street?" says Mr Television Calendar Man. HAH! My Daddy got there first!
"Shut up and obey my superior alien lizard commands!" says the girls' leader.
Later, Mr Sir Alan says that Mr Calendar Man bought the Kitten calendar out of sympathy. I think Mr Sir Alan is WRONG. I think the girls used their alien lizard MIND PROBE on the calendar man.
Meanwhile the boys have forgotten to decide what price they want to sell their calendar for. No wonder the alien lizards have not taken over the world, they don't seem very bright AT ALL.
In the end, Mr Sir Alan fired the girl leader… but then he let her go and she escaped to her spaceship behind the moon!
Daddy Alex recons that he could do LOADS better at this, but I do NOT agree. Daddy Alex is not nearly EVIL enough to be a power crazed alien lizard. In fact, Daddy Alex is not evil AT ALL. So he would be no good at THE APPRENTICE.
I think it was better when Mickey Mouse made all the brooms. Maybe Mr Sir Alan does not want an apprentice like that, but in that case he needs to find some new ALIEN LIZARDS, I think.
Speaking of Daleks, last night Daddy Richard wanted to watch THE APPRENTICE on the BBC.
This is a game show where POWER CRAZED ALIEN LIZARDS try to convince a fluffy person called Sir Alan Sugar to give them a job.
"It's like Big Brother with live ammo," says Daddy Richard.
Actually, Mr Sir Alan is a bit too CRABBY to be fluffy really – like Daddy Richard when he hears Mr Balloon on the Radio but ALL THE TIME! On the other hand, he DOES get to drive around in a big Rolls Royce (even if Daddy Richard says that that looks like a Dalek too!) It has the registration number "AMS", which clearly stands for Mr Sir Alan, but they got the letters in the wrong order. I do that sometimes, so it is very understandable, and number plates probably do not have spell checker to help them either.
Last night, Mr Sir Alan asked the ALIEN LIZARDS to try and make a calendar to sell that would raise money for Great Ormond Street Hospital.
The boys' team decided to take pictures of cute babies (YUCK!) but the girls' team decided to take pictures of kittens (DOUBLE YUCK WITH KETCHUP!).
"What have Kittens got to do with Great Ormond Street?" demands Daddy Alex.
Twenty minutes later: "What have Kittens got to do with Great Ormond Street?" says Mr Television Calendar Man. HAH! My Daddy got there first!
"Shut up and obey my superior alien lizard commands!" says the girls' leader.
Later, Mr Sir Alan says that Mr Calendar Man bought the Kitten calendar out of sympathy. I think Mr Sir Alan is WRONG. I think the girls used their alien lizard MIND PROBE on the calendar man.
Meanwhile the boys have forgotten to decide what price they want to sell their calendar for. No wonder the alien lizards have not taken over the world, they don't seem very bright AT ALL.
In the end, Mr Sir Alan fired the girl leader… but then he let her go and she escaped to her spaceship behind the moon!
Daddy Alex recons that he could do LOADS better at this, but I do NOT agree. Daddy Alex is not nearly EVIL enough to be a power crazed alien lizard. In fact, Daddy Alex is not evil AT ALL. So he would be no good at THE APPRENTICE.
I think it was better when Mickey Mouse made all the brooms. Maybe Mr Sir Alan does not want an apprentice like that, but in that case he needs to find some new ALIEN LIZARDS, I think.
Day 1885: This is ME!
Aren't I FLUFFY!
Wednesday:
Today I am WORRIED that Mr Blair wants to send me to PRISON!
I have been saying that JAMES BOND is good… but JAMES BOND hunts people down and blows things up.
Is this GLORIFYING TERRORISM?!?!?
I do not want to go to prison; I am only a baby elephant!
If I disappear, please call the human-rights lawyers. And the elephant-rights lawyers.
I will try and distract myself by telling you about Daleks, who have nothing to do with Mr Blair at all.
For the last two weeks my Daddies have been watching DOCTOR WHO and the DALEKS on DVD. This is a very OLD story, which means that everyone in it has gone grey, but it is still GOOD.
It is only the second DOCTOR WHO story ever, and Doctor Who has not yet made proper friends with Ian and Barbara. They land on a dead planet with stone trees and find a strange city. Doctor Who wants to investigate but Ian and Barbara want to go home, so Doctor Who tricks them by pretending his TARDIS is broken.
(The TARDIS is almost as good as a car – it is like Doc Brown's car that travels in time, but a bit less cool as it is a box and not a Delorean.)
So they all go down to the city and it turns out that the dead planet isn't really dead at all but has DALEKS living on it!
Daleks are the EXACT OPPOSITE of fluffy elephants!
Daleks are metal on the outside and squishy on the inside (which is not a good combination, even for a boiled sweet) and have one eye and no noses. I am soft on the outside and have two eyes and a BIG nose. And my ears don't light up when I talk, either!
Also, I like PEOPLE (even though you are different to ELEPHANTS). Daleks do NOT like people BECAUSE they are different from Daleks. My Daddies say this is because the Daleks are an ALLEGORY for the Nazis.
(Even though I thought that an AUSTIN ALLEGORY was a kind of car.)
When they escape from the Daleks, Doctor Who and Ian and Barbara and Susan (who I had forgotten) meet some nice people called the THALS and Doctor Who and Ian persuade them to team up to kill off the Daleks.
I do not think that this is right though. The Thals need the Daleks food and think that the Daleks might come out of their city and get them one day. This sounds a lot like saying they need the Daleks' OIL and that the Daleks might get them with WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION one day.
It would have been better if they waited until Doctor Who had found out that the Daleks really did want to kill them all with radiation.
But since the Daleks come back, so they probably don't kill them all.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Day 1884: Pancake Day
Tuesday:
I should have written this diary yesterday, but Daddy Richard was TOO BUSY playing the STAR WARS game on the computer and wouldn’t let me have a go! He is MEAN!
He says that it is still yesterday in HAWAII. Humph!
Sean Connery's CAR was an Austin Martin DB5 with machine guns and rotating number plates and ejector seat. Roger Moore's CAR was a Lotus Esprit which could turn into a submarine. And Pearce Brosnan's CAR was an Austin Martin Vanquish which could turn invisible! (Which was good because his last car was CHOPPED IN HALF by the BADDIES!!!)
Can you guess what my very MOST FAVOURITE THING in the whole world is?
It's CARS!
Cars are shiny metal boxes in exciting shapes with a wheel at each corner and one in the middle for steering with. Cars are sometimes called Motor Cars because they have a motor in them which makes them go!
I have made Daddy go and look up cars on the Internet. Cars were invented by Herr Karl Benz in Germany on the 3rd of July 1886 (which means that cars are nearly 120 years old). Herr is German, and even though it sounds the same as Hair it does not mean FLUFFY, it is German for Mr.
Daddy Richard’s car is called PENFOLD and Penfold is named after the place when he bought his car (and also after Danger Mouse’s friend!). Penfold is a green Vauxhall Frontera – which means great big TANK to anyone driving a smaller car. Penfold is BAD FORM for a Liberal Daddy because big cars are BAD for the ENVIRONMENT. This is to do with greenhouse GAS – which I think is a polite way of talking about FARTING!
We do not let Daddy use Penfold very often, though, so hopefully that is better.
Elephants have invented GARDENING and SATELLITE TRACKING and all sorts of GOOD stuff, but we have not invented CARS. I THINK this is because we have big flat feet and are VERY GOOD for WALKING everywhere. Anyway, I have to admit that you have one over us there.
Sometimes Daddy Richard lets me sit in his CAR and this is very exciting. Because I am only a little elephant (SO FAR!) my fluffy feet do not reach the pedals so I cannot make Penfold go.
[R:thank the lord!]
I do not think that Penfold has an ejector seat – but I wouldn’t use it anyway because that is Daddy Alex’s seat.
And now Mr Balloon is on the radio. Daddy’s going that funny colour he goes before he starts shouting. I must go and look up the word VACUOUS.
He said he was in favour of saving the ENVIRONMENT because that was NICE
But he was against stopping people from making POLLUTION because that would be NASTY.
My head may be full of wool but this seems sensible to me. I don't know why Daddy is foaming at the mouth!
I have now looked up VACUOUS: Devoid of matter; empty – this is how balloons WORK isn't it!
I should have written this diary yesterday, but Daddy Richard was TOO BUSY playing the STAR WARS game on the computer and wouldn’t let me have a go! He is MEAN!
He says that it is still yesterday in HAWAII. Humph!
Sean Connery's CAR was an Austin Martin DB5 with machine guns and rotating number plates and ejector seat. Roger Moore's CAR was a Lotus Esprit which could turn into a submarine. And Pearce Brosnan's CAR was an Austin Martin Vanquish which could turn invisible! (Which was good because his last car was CHOPPED IN HALF by the BADDIES!!!)
Can you guess what my very MOST FAVOURITE THING in the whole world is?
It's CARS!
Cars are shiny metal boxes in exciting shapes with a wheel at each corner and one in the middle for steering with. Cars are sometimes called Motor Cars because they have a motor in them which makes them go!
I have made Daddy go and look up cars on the Internet. Cars were invented by Herr Karl Benz in Germany on the 3rd of July 1886 (which means that cars are nearly 120 years old). Herr is German, and even though it sounds the same as Hair it does not mean FLUFFY, it is German for Mr.
Daddy Richard’s car is called PENFOLD and Penfold is named after the place when he bought his car (and also after Danger Mouse’s friend!). Penfold is a green Vauxhall Frontera – which means great big TANK to anyone driving a smaller car. Penfold is BAD FORM for a Liberal Daddy because big cars are BAD for the ENVIRONMENT. This is to do with greenhouse GAS – which I think is a polite way of talking about FARTING!
We do not let Daddy use Penfold very often, though, so hopefully that is better.
Elephants have invented GARDENING and SATELLITE TRACKING and all sorts of GOOD stuff, but we have not invented CARS. I THINK this is because we have big flat feet and are VERY GOOD for WALKING everywhere. Anyway, I have to admit that you have one over us there.
Sometimes Daddy Richard lets me sit in his CAR and this is very exciting. Because I am only a little elephant (SO FAR!) my fluffy feet do not reach the pedals so I cannot make Penfold go.
[R:thank the lord!]
I do not think that Penfold has an ejector seat – but I wouldn’t use it anyway because that is Daddy Alex’s seat.
And now Mr Balloon is on the radio. Daddy’s going that funny colour he goes before he starts shouting. I must go and look up the word VACUOUS.
PS
Mr Balloon said he was in favour of NICE things and against NASTY things.He said he was in favour of saving the ENVIRONMENT because that was NICE
But he was against stopping people from making POLLUTION because that would be NASTY.
My head may be full of wool but this seems sensible to me. I don't know why Daddy is foaming at the mouth!
I have now looked up VACUOUS: Devoid of matter; empty – this is how balloons WORK isn't it!
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