Day 9319: Mr Froggy's Vanity Election

 Tuesday

 

It is four years to the day since Mr Bojo the Clown resigned but didn't actually resign as Prime Monster. Does anyone remember him?

In a speech that many thought was so self-serving it would set all-time records, he told the assembled press that he would squat in Downing Street long enough to outlast his predecessor, Mrs Maybe, and – as a fake scholar of the Classics, taking his cue from the not-at-all-made-up diaries of Emperor Claudius as recounted to Robert Graves – long enough to install a successor who would be even worse.

Don't know what made me think of that.

Anyway, some questions for Mr Froggface who has today, in a speech that many think was so self-serving it will set all-time records, resigned so that he can spend more time standing in a by-election.

1. Does he think winning a by-election in a RefUK friendly seat makes you Prime Monster just 'cos Mr Crash'n Burnham did?
2. Cos that's not how the FORCE works meme!
3. Couldn't he get anyone else in his party to stand down for him the way Mr Crash'n Burnham did?
4. Does he think not-at-all-ambitious former Conservatory hypocrite Mr Robot Generic has his back in this?
5. Willy Wonka "No! Don't! Come back!" meme!
6. Since it's going to be a colossal waste of money, will he pony up the cash to pay for this farce?
7. Does he think that forcing an unnecessary by-election now makes the inquiries into where and who he got millions of squids from goes away?
8. Cos that's not how the FORCE works meme!
9. If he gets re-elected and the inquiries all re-start (which they do, thems the rules) and he gets found out, won't there have to be a recall by-election all over again? (clue: yes)
10. And, if he loses, does he have to give the £5million quid bung back?

Suppose that he stands and wins, which you have to expect is the most likely outcome – Clacton is the most RefUK friendly seat in the Country and he got 46% of the vote last time.

He will CERTAINLY try to claim that a vote of maybe less than half of a constituency of 75,000 retired people and a dachshund named Colin* will count as a MANDATE from HEAVEN that clears him of all sins and should usher him into government if only the ELITES didn't keep ignoring the will of the PEOPLE. And by PEOPLE he means billionaires and Putin and anyone else who keeps sending him CRYPTO.

(*Colin will NOT vote RefUK.)

It's entirely possible that the other Parties might also treat this vanity project the same way they treated the Haltemprice and Howden by-election, when that other vain right-wing gasbag Mr Davis David did a flounce and re-stand by-election, and just not take part.

The risk there is that Froggage comes out of it saying: "they're too frit to stand against me" and/or "I got 80% of the vote!" on a turnout of 8.

On the other fluffy foot, the vote could be split between a range of FRINGE parties – RefUK, ReSTUCK, ReSUK and the Tories – leading to Count Binface winning with 26% of the vote.

 

You might say – and you can probably bet that the fash-friendly press WILL say – that this is a TEST for Mr Burnham. After all, he is the shiny new leader who is supposed to be able to take on RefUK on their own territory and win.

And you know, it would be HILARIOUS if he COULD win, and effectively see of RefUK in just two by-elections.

But it's not really a FAIR test because Hard Labour were only THIRD in Clacton at 2024 – good candidate, no campaign – and got just 16% of the vote. Still, they were substantially ahead of Lib Dem and Green on 4% each. So you might imagine that a strong campaign could hoover up those "progressive votes", and could see Labour get to – maybe – 30%.

But then of course the CONSERVATORIES came SECOND last time around, with 28% of the vote. So this could be as much of a test of their leader Ms Kemi Bad Enough. Sadly, all her current positions are trying to out-wing-nut the RefUKers – she's just not positioned herself to reassure MODERATE Conservatory voters, let alone win over any of the Labour, Liberal or Greens. And she's certainly not selling diet-fash to people who already voted Froggy once.

I think her vote will go DOWN. But maybe not a lot. If they were going to vote Frog, they would have done last time (thought don't underestimate the Conservatory preference for voting for winners). There's the outside chance of some switching to Labour to get RefUK out (shame it's not Liberal Democrats in second, with the ability to reach out to both Conservatory AND Labour voters). But let's ASSUME that the Conservatory votes stays about the same.

So the most likely outcome is a 40-30-30 split

 

But what happens if Mr Frog ACTUALLY loses?

It could happen. Voters in Clacton might be struck by the realisation that a man who spent more time advertising GOLD BULLION than actually visiting the people who elected him does NOT have their interests at heart. Or whatever he has for a heart. Probably his wallet. Anyway.

Don’t worry about Mr Frog. He will, sadly, always be okay. For him, this politics has always been a GRIFT – a nice easy seat in the European Parliament with a cosy pension. He might find campaigning FUN, but he's never been one to do HARD WORK. He wouldn't have stood for Parliament except he was offered that £5million. And he wasn't ever going to say no to that.

Sadly Spivvy Nige will be just DANDY.

 

But Great Britain still has a PROBLEM.

That's because there's a LOT of ANGRY people who feel let down, indeed BETRAYED by politics in general. Mainly because there's been an ongoing rolling clusterfuck of a cost of living crisis ever since the Global Crash of 2008!

(And austerity made it worse, and Brexit made it even worse, and Covid made it worse still, and the mini-budget of Lettuce Liz certainly didn't help…)

They've seen a whole CLOWN PARADE of Prime Monsters come and go, each promising to make it better, get Brexit done, level things up, "change"… and none of it has made a difference.

There's a lot of people who no longer think politics CAN make things better.

They don't want to vote for people who say they'll make it better. Because they don't believe them. What they do want is REVENGE. And they want to vote for people who will make things worse for SOMEONE ELSE.

The GOOD news is that Mr Frog is an almost unique charismatic talent. Without his voice to pull them together the right tend to go to pieces. See every other Party he's led and then quit.

But those angry people are NOT going away.

The real task for anyone who thinks things could be BETTER is to PROVE to people that they CAN be better.

And THAT is not a vanity project.

[Daddy Richard is writing more stories at aNARCHY rULES - go check it out]

Day 9304: So Farewell Then, Kier Starmer

 Monday

 

Time for some more fluffiness. Did you miss me?

 

Anyway, Mr Sir Kier Starmer has resigned.

Great Britain will have another new Prime Monster.

We are seeing a lot of people saying: "oh no, not another one," and talk of how many Prime Monsters we have had in the last decade, and is Britain UNGOVERNABLE.

But it is actually a GOOD THING that a boss who is not performing can be asked to step down by people lower down the organisation. Something a LOT of British businesses might want to think about.

 

So, Mr Andy "Crash and" Burnham – now that he has the backing of Mr Wesley "Coronation" Streeting – will be Prime Monster.

So I think we should at least be war gaming the possibility of A GENERAL ELECTION IN OCTOBER.

 

Why?

Because right now, Mr Nigel Frogage, owner of one of the extreme "R" parties (Reset? Reverse? Reflux?) is in trouble at the moment, and still trying to avoid questions about a dodgy £5 million quid bung. And he's just lost three significant by-elections in a row, all showing that the voters will unite behind whoever is NOT standing for Mr Frog.

So, if there’s even the slightest economic recovery from the Straits of Hormuz being reopened, plus a "honeymoon bounce”, Burnham has got to AT LEAST consider that going now could get five more years and mandate for (among other things electoral reform) when going at the end of May 2029 could lead to DISASTER.

And remember, Mr Burnham was part of Mr Gordon Frown’s Cabinet, and saw first-hand a honeymoon evaporate after Mr Frown decided not to go for his own mandate.

 

And what about Mr Sir Kier?

His BIGGEST mistake was thinking that he WON the election in 2024, rather than the Tories LOSING it by being catastrophically terribly awful.

(Something many decent Liberal Democrats in all those seats WE won might want to be thinking about too.)

His NEXT BIGGEST mistake was to CARRY ON the Tory policy of being catastrophically terribly awful.

People voted him in for CHANGE and he cave them NO CHANGE.

Cuts to benefits, less spending on services – he did not even change the Tory record!

Worst of all, though, as a human rights lawyer he’s overseen the WORST ATTACK on our human rights in my fluffy lifetime, with particularly trans people – who can't even go to the loo any more! – but also immigrant communities much worse off, pandering to the absolute worst of fascist rhetoric, and now cutting off the socials for under sixteens. Or even under eighteens, in some versions. Let them all stare at the wall.

He feels betrayed?

Try being QUEER or BROWN or YOUNG, Sir Kier.

 

And people seem to forget that he should have resigned in disgrace over the scandal of appointing the fractally resigning Mr Peter Mandelbrot as Ambassador to President Blimp.

But because of Labour SHENANIGANS (they wanted him to stay on to take the blame for the inevitable disastrous local election results) he somehow just didn’t.

(He threw his chief of staff, Mr Morgan McSweeny-Todd under the bus instead.)

And people seem to forget that he should have resigned in disgrace over the inevitably disastrous local election results.

But because of Labour SHENANIGANS (Mr Burnhams wasn't in Parliament yet, and Mr Coronation Streeting wasn't getting the support and Ms Angela Crayola was still in trouble with the tax man) he somehow just didn’t.

(He brought back his chief of staff, Mr Morgan McSweeny-Todd instead.)

 

So, HONESTLY, it does feel a bit PAST TIME for him to be done.

 

It's actually pretty TYPICAL – if you take the long view – that Great Britain has LOT of short-lived Prime Monsters with occasional REALLY LONG serving ones.

The SURPRISING thing really is that we had TWO (Mrs Lady Thatcher and Lord Tonty Blairimort) who lasted three terms. And both of them went quite round the twist in the end.

Mr Major minor and Mr David Balloon managed a term and a bit, which seemed like stability, and then we've had a load of others who can basically be measured in LETTUCES.

And there's a LOT MORE to say about HOW we elect our Prime Monsters or Members of Parliament. Because we choose people who are good at GETTING ELECTED, not people who are good at RUNNING THE COUNTRY. And these are very NOT THE SAME.

 

But anyway, farewell then Mr Sir Kier.

And welcome to our new lettuce overlord.