...a blog by Richard Flowers

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Day 1921: Faster, Broader, Deeper


So, the Conservatory Conference is having a Party in MANCHESTER (or is that the other way around?)

They are having it there because they left it TOO LATE to book and all the SEASIDE places are now full for the EASTER HOLS. Still, Mr Balloon is putting a good face on it and saying that he wanted to come to Manchester all along.

My Daddies come from near Manchester and so they can spot that this is a fib, but it is only a small one, like “yes it’s lovely I always wanted fluffy ear warmers”.

Mr Balloon’s warm up man is called Mr FRANCIS MOD – he is the Conservatory Party Chariman and replaced Lord NORMAN ROCKER. Mr MOD says that they may not win the next General Election. Hooray!

Also on the radio was MR OILY LETWIN who is supposed to be in charge of the Conservatory’s policies. Unfortunately, he appears to have let them escape. Six months into their eighteen month “policy review” he says that they may not have any policies for a couple of years. Erm, MY maths may be a bit FLUFFY, but then I was never trying to be CHANCELLOR.

But the REAL news seems to be that the NEWSNIGHT show appears to have stopped being in love with Mr Balloon. They did a survey (probably by licking a finger and hoding it up to the wind) that says that the Conservatories might actually LOSE seats in the local elections.

NEWSNIGHT sent their reporter Michael Crick to talk to Mr Balloon: Mr Balloon gave him the brush off. He did it better this week than last time – when he told him to, er, depart at haste – by making a joke of it. But it’s still probably not a good idea to try and take the Mickey out of Michael – he might be an annoying little terrier but he is a jolly TENACIOUS once he’s got a bee in his bonnet. Mr Balloon should just ask LORD ARCHER of FORD OPEN PRISON!

After that, Kirsty Waaaaaaark (the SNP leader) talked to Mr BOY GEORGE who had special permission to stay up late. You could tell he wanted to be in bed, though, because he was very cross-patchy.

Kirsty Waaaaaaark asked him: “Mr Boy George, how do respond to our survey that says you are going to lose seats in the local elections?”

Mr Boy George replied: “Kirsty, we’re here in Manchester to go Faster, Broader, Deeper.”

So Kirsty Waaaaaaark said: “Er, okay… but what about our survey? Would that be a DISASTER for the Conservatories, to lose seats?”

To which Mr Boy Gerorge responded: “Kirsty, the important thing is that we’re here in Manchester to go Faster, Broader, Deeper.”

Then Kirsty Waaaaaaark asked: “Moving on then… if Mr Balloon is against PUNCH & JUDY politics, what was that BUDGET respose all about then?”

And Mr Boy George said: “Remember, we are here in Manchester to go Faster, Broader, Deeper.”

So Kirsty Waaaaaaark said: “Riiiiiight… so in that case is calling UKIP nasty names not another example of PUNCH & JUDY politics.”

And Mr Boy George said: “We are in Manchester to go Faster, Broader, Deeper. Plus UKIP smell!”

At which point Kirsty Waaaaaaark said: “oh, go to bed!”

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