Day 2949: Clogg – The Crisis in the Economy IS a Crisis in our Politics

Tuesday:


We enter the Portcullis House of Her Majesty’s newly-renamed Cashpoint Fortress of Westminster, where Daddy Richard’s civil liberties are again slapped in the face and his face is slapped all over the LASER DISPLAY MONITOR of the new security system, so that his digital identity can be recorded in yet another Government DATABASE*, there to be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, referenced, cross-referenced, sold to the highest bidder, sent to the lowest common denominator, and ultimately lost on a government memory-stick on a train somewhere between Paddington and Swansea.

Appropriately, we were there to hear Mr Clogg address Charter 88 (now Unlock Democracy) for their 20th anniversary get-together.

Mr Clogg's Charter

Introduced by Baroness Helena Kennedy, styling herself a “Liberal Socialist”, and with a reply from Dame Ferdinand Mount, bigging up Mr Balloon’s PR pose as a “Liberal Conservatory”, Mr Clogg spoke for quarter of an hour about the INTERTWINE-ED-NESS of Great Britain’s current economic crisis and the wretched state of Great Britain’s political settlement.

He began with an apology, an apology because of his pessimism about our current situation in spite of all the achievements that Charter 88 has, er, achieved: the Human Rights Act (under pressure as it is); Freedom of Information (much a the Government tries to twist its way out of it); Devolution to Scotland and Wales (well that seems to have worked out). Mr Clogg praised them for their stubbornness, their resilience, their sense of purpose, their sense of mission.

But, he said, for all the steps forward there had been too many steps back.

The mass CRIMINALISATION of our society, with Hard Labour Government making on average another TWO things illegal EVERY SINGLE DAY.

The lopsided, partial, unfair electoral system that gives untrammelled unaccountable power to a Government with the support of less than a quarter of the eligible voters.

And the advance of the surveillance state, the DNA databases and I.D.iot card schemes that no one ever asked for and that even this week the Government is looking to allow further pooling of data in spite of their notorious inability to keep it secure.

The opening sentence of the 1988 Charter, “We have had less freedom than we believed”, is truer now than in 1988, he said.

But what are we doing worry about “the constitution” when there’s an ECONOMIC DISASTER overwhelming us!

Well, says Mr Clogg, the manner in which we have MISMANAGED the economy is DIRECTLY linked to the way that we have conducted our politics.

The “Winner takes All” culture leads directly to “Boom and Bust”. The system that gives the government an unrepresentative majority allows it to BLUNDER ON without accountability or proper oversight or the need to listen to voices like Mr Dr Vince “the Power” Cable so that it is BOUND to make STUPID decisions. And a centralised, over-mighty executive is more susceptible to being captured by VESTED INTERESTS, like the way that the City of London has ruled the British Governments of either colour for the last TWENTY YEARS.

(Do you see how he tied that in to the Charter ’88 anniversary there!)

This is a crisis that rests on the POWERLESSNESS of the British people. The self same complaints, voiced by the people who talked to Baroness Helena on the Power Commission, the same anger, the same fury even about the way they are left out of decision making by politicians could be said about the way that the banking system didn’t hold the people in charge to account and let them spiral right OUT OF CONTROL.

And, going all YODA for a moment, Mr Clogg explains: POWERLESSNESS leads to ANGER and ANGER leads to QUESTIONING OUR LIBERAL DEMOCRACY and QUESTIONING OUR LIBERAL DEMOCRACY leads to EXTREMISTS.

Every crisis is seen as an opportunity by the extremists, the populists, the xenophobes and the bigots, thriving on people’s fear and offering the quick and easy-seeming answers, assigning blame rather than taking action, advocating insularity that (as we saw in the Great Depression) makes matters WORSE not better.


Fortunately, there is a “but”!

Dame Ferdinand, in replying, quoted LENIN (typical Conservatory!) saying Mr Clogg had “pessimism of the intellect, but optimism of the will”.

“But” said Mr Clogg, the very crisis that exists ALLOWS us to think the radical things, to consider the impossible. As we nationalise banks willy-nilly, as we hand out billions to the car industry, as we RE-WRITE the whole way that Capitalism works… let us take the opportunity to re-write the way we do politics as well.

And these things go fluffy-foot in fluffy-foot!

As we bring greater accountability to Government, we can reform the City of London.

As we introduce fair elections so everyone has an equal voice, not just the vested interests, we can design an economy that caters for the needs of everyone, not just the best off.

As we open up Government to supervision by its citizens, and roll back the intrusive, unwanted surveillance state, we can open up companies to greater participation by their employees, and free the innovative spirit of Britain.

And as we make the MUCH-NEEDED reform to the House of Commoners and House of Lords Club, we can reform the short-termism of the “get rich quick” “something for nothing” culture and invest for a sustainable, prosperous, green future.

PS:

*Government efficiency being what it is, we expect that the database in question is either NHS Connecting for Health or ContactPoint.

PPS:

Mr Clogg also said that Unlock Democracy nee Charter ’88 should continue to badger, hector and embarrass politicians into working together. He said he had started his leadership by trying it: he wrote to Mr Frown and Mr Balloon about the possibility of organising a Constitutional Convention.

Mr Frown, he said, brushed him off saying: “all my reforms are perfect already”

Mr Balloon, though, was enthusiastic: “yes, yes, yes, let’s gang up on Gordon”

But then Mr Clogg spotted Conservatory Mr Davis David in the audience...

Politicians working together
(yes that IS Mr Davis David)

...and Mr Clogg welcomed his presence as a sign that politicians could work together to fix politics!

.

Day 2589: Oh Bugger!

Sunday


Mr Clogg has taken the Prime Monster to task over his obsession with transforming Great Britain into a POLICE STATE!

From endlessly expensive I.D.iot cards to tracking our movements with talking CCTV; from fingerprinting schoolchildren to bugging the private meetings of our MPs: this government has made us the most SPIED on, least TRUSTED people in the Western World.

Like the idea that the government could corrupt our coroners and control their courts, the notion of breaching the confidence of discussions between a constituent and their MP – or a defendant and their lawyer – undermines the very RULE of LAW that defines Great Britain.

As a LIBERAL elephant, this is completely ANATHEMA to me. I have never REALLY understood how CATHOLICS could be so OBSESSED with the sanctity of the CONFESSIONAL – suddenly, now I feel that I do!

As the CRISIS concerning the bugging of MP Mr Sidiq Khan continued to unfold, the policeperson responsible claimed to be in FEAR for his life – no doubt he is afraid that someone will violate his human rights… oh.

Meanwhile, the man at least theoretically responsible, Mr Man O'Straw, the Sinister Minister, denied knowing what was going on.

Which is ANOTHER failing of this government – they do not even KNOW what their secret police are UP TO! And worse, they seem not to CARE!

This really has pushed my OVER THE EDGE! I can hardly believe it, but I am starting to think that the Conservatories – Mr God who does not exist help me, the Conservatories! – might be better than this lot. Though you might need a MICROSCOPE to see it!

Corrupt, shallow, nepotistic, incompetent, upper-class nincompoops they might be, but they are still ONLY venal and selfish. And these things are FINITE: once sated, they will stop.

The Labour are MAD and DANGEROUS and they won't stop because they think they are on a mission from Mr God (see above).

THEY HAVE GOT TO GO!

Day 2556: Mr Clogg's New Year Message

New Year's Eve:


Let's bring down the I.D.iot cards says Mr Clogg.

I LIKE him!

Day 2515: Alistair Darling – A Great Big Northern Rock Up… and then ANOTHER one!

Tuesday:


Déjà vu for Sooty, Mr Frown's Chancellor of the Blank Chequer, who was at the despatch box for his second emergency in two days.

The sheer SCALE of the numbers involved just blows the imagination: twenty-four BILLION pounds loaned to a busted bank on the increasingly shaky gamble that he'll be able to get it back; twenty-five MILLION people exposed to identity theft and old fashioned bank robbery thanks to the Labour's OBSESSION with gathering up people's data and their CARELESSNESS about it once they've got it.

You almost expect him to announce today the disappearance of twenty-SIX trillion gallons of correcting fluid somewhere in the vicinity of his HAIR…

Crazy as the situation at the Northern Rock bank is, where the Government has a hundred billion pounds of assets to sell but we can't even be sure of getting back the twenty-four billion pounds of OUR MONEY that they have already advanced, the biggest data breach in history (…SO FAR!) knocks it into a cocked hat.

And the IRONY-METER is on OVERLOAD today, with Sooty ordering the Customs Men to use their UNPARALLELED powers of entry and search to break into their own offices to try and find a couple of lost CDs!


Rare as it is for me to agree with Conservatory Junior Bean-counting Champ Master Gideon Oboe, you have to say he was SPOT ON when he said that this has GOT to be the end for the Labour's LUNATIC I.D.iot card scheme.

The dangers involved cannot be understated. The information that they've ALREADY lost – more than a month ago, by the way, without a peep out of them – covers the names, addresses and dates of birth of EVERY child in the country and the bank and national insurance details of their families… this includes the sisters of both of my daddies, along with – we can but presume – the details of the Prime Monster, Mr Frown; the leader of the Opposition, Mr Balloon; and both of the contenders to be leader of the Liberal Democrats, Mr Clogg and Mr Huhney-Monster.

And basically, someone somewhere now has all they could possibly want in order to steal almost everybody's money!

Mr Richard Jeavons is director of IT implementation at the Department of Health, and the man in charge of setting up the NEXT TEMPTING TARGET: the NHS database. Even HE thinks that it is at risk.

Already he said: "there were instances where staff 'abuse their privileges'."

After this, how can we possibly, POSSIBLY think that the Labour's scheme to feed all of our personal and private info into a MAD COMPUTER in return for a plastic I.D.iot card is REMOTELY safe?

Information is VALUABLE and people will be ACTIVELY trying to get hold of it… but these revelations show that it doesn't even need MALICE: ordinary, everyday idiocy is enough to compromise every family in the nation!

People must wake up to the fact that large, bureaucratic organisations quite simply WILL make mistakes, take short-cuts, overlook procedure and in the end accidentally lose control of data in EXACTLY this sort of calamitous way. Like the Bishop of Southwark loosing control and hurling presents from the back of a Mercedes in a drunken stupor, IT'S WHAT THEY DO.

But just putting the blame on some junior nobody IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. If your security procedure relies on your staff FOLLOWING the procedure, then it's simply NOT SECURE.

(And clearly, the head of Mrs Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs recognises this and with honour resigned.)

For the Liberal Democrats, Mr Power Cable has challenged the Government to say where the BUCK stops. After all, Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs is a CREATION of the Labour Government, in fact directly under the charge of PREVIOUS Chancellor… whose name escapes me for the moment.

Merging the Inland Revenue with HM Customs and Excise, while not necessarily a bad idea, was always going to be a tricky operation. Trying to do so while simultaneously engineering a quadrupling in the complexity of tax legislation seems recklessly abandoned. And cutting a quarter of their staff at the same time is just plain BONKERS!

"Clearly if officials are being asked to do more and more with fewer staff then mistakes will be made," said Mr Power Cable.

We need to take the challenge right to the very top. Or, as my Daddy Alex puts it:

"How can Mr Frown take his own livelihood less seriously than the tens of millions of people he’s recklessly endangered?"



Still, with everybody's EXISTING bank accounts compromised, perhaps now is the time to open a new NORTHERN ROCK account… er…

Day 2375: A Brisk Constitutional

Tuesday:


Following Mr Frown's first appearance at Prime Monster's Please Kick Me Time, there has been much speculation:

Is it less "Clunking Fist" and more "Flunking Missed"? is the question that has been asked.

Certainly, he was no Lord Blairimort… though that, of course, might have been the POINT.

I think that people feel GOOD about Mr Frown at the moment ENTIRELY BECAUSE he is conspicuously NOT Lord Blairimort.

Does it do Mr Balloon any good to land a clever-clever blow (especially when that turns out to be "blow" in the sense of "ooh, it's BLOW'n up in my stupid face")?

People feel about Mr Frown just like they felt about Mr John Minor when he took over from Queen Maggie: he may not have much of a personality, but he does seem to be trying his best and at least he's not the maniac we just got rid of! Mr Balloon does not appear to have changed his own tactics to take this into account.

So it is all very well for Mr Balloon to BOP the Prime Monster on the NOSE a couple of times and leave him REELING, but he's in danger of looking a bit like an Old Etonian SWOT making smart remarks to a supply teacher. Worse, he's in danger of looking like Mr Neil Kinnock!

So, I think it actually HELPS Mr Frown when Mr Balloon does this. Mr Frown looks a little bit HURT and SURPRISED that his efforts at consensus are being knocked back, and Mr Balloon looks like a SMUG OIK.

On the down side for Mr Frown, he IS in danger of looking like the SUPPLY TEACHER. It may be mean to be mean to him, but he'll never be around long enough to gain anyone's respect.


Sir Mr the Merciless' approach was BETTER, even with the slightly waspish improv ("looks a lot like a TRAP door") joke. Though Sir Mr the Merciless’s UNSCRIPTED gag was a lot funnier than Mr Frown’s obviously SCRIPTED one.

Sir Mr the Merciless only gets two questions, so some people have thought it a bit cheeky that he seems to have asked SIX, in two goes…

"[ONE] Will he now set a target for the withdrawal of British troops from Iraq; [TWO] will he order the reopening of the investigation into allegations of corruption in relation to arms sales; and [THREE] will he renegotiate the one-sided extradition treaty with the United States?"

and

"[FOUR] Will the Government now abandon their headlong rush towards a new generation of nuclear power stations? [FIVE] Will they undertake to tax pollution more than earnings? Finally, [and SIX] will they abolish the unfair and regressive council tax?"

…but what my CLEVER Daddy Alex pointed out to me was that Mr Sir M had actually asked Mr Frown if his new "ALL CHANGE" government was actually going to mean ANY change on half-a-dozen KEY PLANKS of Liberal Democrat policy: Iraq, corruption, our one-sided relationship with America, the environment, green taxes and fair taxes.

(Mr Balloon, of course, really only asked two questions with his six, he just kept repeating himself several times. Perhaps they should give the extra questions to the opposition with lots of ideas rather than the opposition with too few!)

And Mr Frown, waffling out his usual government line, FAILED Sir Mr the Merciless's test.

So, while Mr Balloon gets to look smug for embarrassing the Prime Monster, the Liberal Democrats can say: "we asked for a change of direction, we asked the Prime Monster DIRECTLY. And he turned us down."

Sir Mr the Merciless has explicitly shot down the SECRET STALIN SPIN of Mr Frown's "change" pose here.

(And of course, the self-deprecating "fool me once…" trapdoor jest also served to disarm Mr Frown's "let's all be chums" disguise.)



Mr Jeremy has given us a TIMELY WARNING that we should be CAUTIOUS of Mr Frown's embrace, particularly his new ENTHUSIASM for Constitutional Reform.

We should not be SURPRISED that Mr Frown has come to us when looking for an exciting new policy to start his term in number ten. In the first place, that is EXACTLY what he did when he started his term in number ELEVEN – oh, we ALL remember Independence for the Bank of England. But in the second place, he thinks that he can DISARM us by taking some central part of our policy and clutching it to his bosom.

Just like Mr Balloon, he wants our support. Or to be more accurate, our SUPPORTERS.

But this shows, once again, that Mr Frown does not UNDERSTAND the Liberal Democrats.


The Liberal Democrats do not want to get into power JUST to tinker with the constitution. That would be SILLY.

Of COURSE if we were elected, then since we would be governing a MODERN LIBERAL DEMOCRACY, then we would want to make sure that it had a PROPER CONSTITUTION to match.

But that is like moving into a new house and finding that all the LIGHT FITTINGS have been taken away by the previous owner. (Something of which Mr Frown is believed to have had recent experience!)

Of COURSE you would put new lights in, but you didn't move house JUST to replace all the light bulbs, did you?!?!?

The Liberal Democrats exist to govern Britain in a LIBERAL way.

We want to empower people through opportunity, but without interfering too much. Interfering is the Labour way. We want to set people free without abandoning them to the bullying of bosses, or landowners or other special interest groups. Special interest groups are the Conservatory way. And we want to protect and preserve the Environment without ruining people's lives and livelihoods. Smashing the economy to flinders is the Green Party way.

We are about being FAIR, and about being FREE and about being GREEN.


Having said that, if Mr Frown has decided that he needs to improve the British Constitution, a document often described as not worth the paper it is not written on, then we should not SNUB his endeavour.

Mr Balloon of course, took the OPPORTUNIST route of more "Punch and Judy Politics" to score points off Mr Frown, bleating on about English Vote for Ingsoc Laws… or E.V.I.L for short.

But this is just his usual English Nasty Party POSTURING for political advantage. Really, the Conservatories like the Constitution the way it is – it has plenty of loopholes for them to get through. (In fairness, they would not be PROPER Conservatories if they did not like CONSERVING things the way they are… but what is Mr Balloon's excuse?)

We should take a more CONSIDERED approach.

Unlike his immediate predecessor, Mr Frown did not send some poor schmuck in to bat for him, but chose to lead from the front, making the statement himself, and if you listen to him, there is a lot that he said that we can AGREE WITH.

For example, he is quite right when he says that there are TWO KEY PROBLEMS to address: the need – especially after his predecessor – to hold the government to account BETTER; and the need – especially with so much cynicism about politics at the moment – to hand power BACK to people.

Mr Frown's plan is to

1. Take unaccountable powers away from the government and give them to Parliament.
2. To make Parliament more ACCOUNTABLE to people.
3. To give more powers back to COMMUNITIES.
and
4. To reinvigorate the whole idea of CITIZENSHIP.

and a lot of this sounds pretty GOOD!

Under part one he said that he would give up the powers of the ROYAL PREROGATIVE, promising to hand over to Parliament a whole long list…

• the power of the executive to declare war;

• the power to request the dissolution of Parliament;

• the power over recall of Parliament;

• the power of the executive to ratify international treaties without decision by Parliament;

• the power to make key public appointments without effective scrutiny;

• the power to restrict Parliamentary oversight of the intelligence services;

• power to choose bishops;

• power in the appointment of judges;

• power to direct prosecutors in individual criminal cases;

• power over the civil service itself;

• and the executive powers to determine the rules governing entitlement to passports and the granting of pardons.

…of things that at the moment the Prime Monster can do on a WHIM. And Lord Blairimort frequently DID!

He also said he would reform the role of the Attorney General (about time too – the chief law officer should be one of those independent appointments that Parliament are going to get the power to scrutinise, and not a political position for a chum of the Prime Monster); stop Special Advisors having the power to order the Civil Service about (which he has done already); and bring in a NEW Ministerial Code and that too will be overseen by Parliament and not by the Prime Monster (you remember how Mr Blanket would do something NAUGHTY and then Lord Blairimort would go "ooooh, I don't think that's naughty" and let him off the hook… well that won't happen any more).


For part two, to make Parliament more accountable, he said that first there would be an ELECTED House of Lords Club, and then he would fulfil a LONG-DELAYED promise to look at the voting system.

On the other fluffy foot, he also said that PARLIAMENT would have "every opportunity" to discuss and vote on the European Amendment Treaty, which only SOUNDS like he's being good, when in fact he's SLYLY ruling out a proper referendum. The Treaty is still EFFECTIVELY a constitutional change and therefore EVEN IF IT IS INCONVENIENT we should still give the people a say!


Thirdly, in order to devolve more power to the regions, he said that he would create Parliamentary SELECT COMMITTEES for each region of England, and he has already appointed ministers for each region.

We will have to see how this works out, but I am not sure that this is REALLY what "devolution" is supposed to mean. It all looks a BIT like Mr Frown is being KING and handing out BARONIES to his feudal underlings. I would have thought that proper devolution would mean that the people in the regions get to choose who is their "first" minister, and not Mr Frown.

I am not sure that Mr Frown sees the contradiction in saying he will give up his powers to appoint people at random, and then tries to solve the West Lothian Question by appointing a whole lot of people at random. Which is worrying.

Meanwhile, Mr Frown promises people more control over their local quangos, which is a GOOD thing. This would include a new "community right" to call for action and a new responsibility for public bodies to involve people; a new right to scrutinise services; and a new right to be consulted through "Citizens Juries" (although THAT might just mean more FOCUS GROUPS!).

And he also said that there would be powers to let people control (some of) their council's spending though local ballots. This scheme has already been announced, and so far it LOOKS like it might be COMPULSORY (and not just an OPTION for councils looking to pass the buck on difficult spending decisions – "we don't want to be blamed so we'll have a vote on which of these to cut", sort of thing).


And for part four of his plan, Mr Frown's suggestions were to try and turn around the terrible fall in turnout at elections by thinking about moving voting day to the weekend; to consider lowering the voting age; and to begin a national debate about what it is that we really mean when we talk about the "Rights and Responsibilities" of being British, and whether we could or even should consider drawing them up in a complete Bill of Rights and a Written Constitution.


Looking at all of that, I think that we should offer encouragement to Mr Frown as a SINNER that REPENTETH, and try to work with him to make sure he does not botch it up. He WILL botch it up, of course, but we can try and smooth over some of the more EGREGIOUS mistakes before he makes them.

Certainly we can warmly WELCOME PART ONE of the plan, and part two DESERVES OUR SPECIAL ATTENTION to see that Mr Frown does not let it slide. Part three we should be MOSTLY WARY of: with Mr Balloon blowing on the embers of English resentment, we need a better answer that just some committees in parliament and a few posh focus groups. And part four is so full of "maybes" and "considers" and "in the fullnesses of time" that we should only believe it IF WE EVER SEE IT.


Mr Frown has made an interesting start in his first five days week as Prime Monster: cautious, consensual, moderate and modest. Almost deliberately faltering, at time, and he could hardly be more humble if he were turning down the Uriah Heep award for humongous humility…

That is not like Mr Frown AT ALL! Do you think we should be checking his forehead for a ZIPPER?!

No, I am afraid not.

He is still showing his SECRET STALIN tendencies when pressed.

Funny as it was to see Mr Frown start to FLAP and FLOUNDER when he could not come up with an answer to Mr Balloon's question – and that "I've only been here five days" gag that fell flat got a lot of the coverage – surely more significant was what happened next. STILL without an answer, Mr Frown fell back on "I.D.iot cards are the answer to everything."

Mr Balloon's newly appointed SECURITY BARONESS, Dame Pauline from Eastenders, might agree but very few Liberals will.

Day 1914: Nose Trouble

Friday:


Heave! Heave! Heave!

The Clangers have succeeded in pulling me out of the hole in which I was stuck. Major Clanger tied his fishing line around my big fluffy nose and they all PULLED.

My nose is VERY sore now!

Back down on Earth, I cannot BELIEVE how totally RUBBISH Mr Balloon has been about I.D.IOT cards, even after I told you all how VERY BAD the government's not-really-a-compromise was!

Even WORSE! Mr DAVIS DAVID who is SUPPOSED to be Shadow Home Secretary and TOTALLY against I.D.IOT cards only went and VOTED FOR the government’s amendment!

As my Daddy might say: construct a popular phrase or saying using the following words not necessarily in this order: TURKEYS CHRISTMAS VOTING FOR WHY WAIT SHOOT US NOW.

Mr Blair is laughing so hard we can hear him ALL THE WAY UP HERE IN SPACE! Even if there IS a vacuum between the Earth and the Moon.



Looking down on the Earth from up here, it is very LOVELY, even if you people are making it a bit GRUBBY! Could you not tidy up a bit?

Speaking of tidying up reminds me that it has turned out that tidying up all of you NUCLEAR POWER STATIONS is going to cost a lot more billions of pounds more that you thought it was.

Even though I am in favour of ELECTRICITY for television and DVDs and the Internet, I am a BIT worried about making it out of atom bomb material that you have to import from abroad. And leaving radioactive waste that lasts as long as the whole world and might make GIANT MUTANT LIZARDS is not a completely clever energy policy. I am not sure that the MAGIC FORCE FIELDS of Mr Blair’s I.D.IOT cards can protect us from GODZILLA!!

Here on the Moon, the Clangers make all the electricity they need to run their television from RENEWABLE sources. In fact it is Mother Clanger wearing NYLON stockings and taking a brisk walk around the craters – the static build up provides enough charge to run the telly all night!

However, if Britain does not have enough fast moving sock matriarchs, then perhaps you could consider some other renewable resources instead. Perhaps you could generate some electricity from Mr Balloon’s FLIP-FLOPS?

The Clangers do not seem very sympathetic about my SORE NOSE! In fact they keep giving me BLACK LOOKS and hooting amongst themselves.

This does NOT look good: now they appear to be constructing a GIANT MUSICAL CATAPULT…

Day 1912: In the Soup!

Wednesday:


Q: When is a Compromise NOT a compromise?

A: …when it's being offered you by the GOVERNMENT!

No, it's NOT a very funny joke, is it!

That's because I'm talking about I.D.IOT cards again.

In spite of Mr Balloon's side letting me down over GLORIFICATION OF JAMES BOND (hence me being ON THE MOON at the moment), the HOUSE OF LORDS club have still been trying to stop Mr Blair REDEFINING the word "VOLUNTARY" so that he can have a go at imposing his I.D.IOT card scheme.

Today, it seems we are being offered a "compromise".

As far as I can tell, this means that you STILL get all the HORRIBLE BAD THINGS of Mr Blair's scheme – like basically losing all your PRIVACY to the ENORMOUS expensive INSANE super-computer that goes MAD and tries to take over the world!

[R: if it's already "insane" then it can't GO mad…]

Whatever, Daddy!

[R: I'm just saying!]

So you get the BAD things and without even the benefit of the USEFUL piece of PLASTIC to scrape ice off your CAR with!

What, you think it's useful for anything ELSE???


Meanwhile…

I have escaped from the MONSTER! …but I seem to have fallen down a bit of a HOLE!

I VERY NEARLY fell into the BLUE STRING SOUP. But fortunately, my fluffy bottom was big enough to stick in the hole on the way down.

All the Clangers have come to stand around me.

They do not look HAPPY.

Day 1890: I.D.IOTs

Monday:


Today Mr Blair is quite cross.

(You can tell that he is VERY cross when he starts appearing on the TELLY saying that people who do not agree with him are cuddling TERRORISTS or helping them to explode GRANNIES or something. He is not doing that today so he is only QUITE cross this time. This means that he sends a shaved teddy bear called Mr Clarke to do the shouting for him.)

Anyway, he is quite cross with some people called The HOUSE OF LORDS. Even though they are seriously geriatric (even older than HRH Sir Mr the Merciless!), they are actually quite clever some of the time. It must be because they get plenty of sleep.

What Mr Blair is cross about is I.D. CARDS. These are bits of card that tell you who you are. I do not NEED a bit of card to tell me who I am – I think I.D. must stand for IDIOT if they are for people who forget who they are! Personally I would be QUITE CROSS if someone told me I needed a piece of card to tell me who I am – but apparently this is NOT what Mr Blair is cross about.

The HOUSE OF LORDS have told Mr Blair that he cannot FORCE people to get an I.D.IOT card when they only want a PASSPORT.

(A PASSPORT is like a get out of jail free card for getting out of the country, and with Mr Blair in charge you will understand that they are VERY POPULAR at the moment!)

Funnily enough, last year Mr Blair wrote in his MANIFESTO that the I.D.IOT card scheme would be VOLUNTARY. I had to look up VOLUNTARY. In MY dictionary that means that people get to CHOOSE whether they want one or not. But Mr Blair often seems to be using a different dictionary to me.

The HOUSE OF LORDS told Mr Blair that since he promised that the I.D.IOT cards should be VOLUNTARY then that is what they should BE. Mr Blair says that this is against something that is called the SALISBURY CONFECTION (which I think is a sort of CAKE).

I think if Mr Blair promised something then he should keep his promises, but I am afraid that this will only get me LOCKED UP for GLORIFYING the HOUSE OF LORDS. Who are probably TERRORISTS by now. At least in Mr Blair’s dictionary.