...a blog by Richard Flowers

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Space Year 2164: The Dalek Invasion of Earth


When the Daleks invade, their plan is to hollow out the Earth's core, insert a gigantic motor and fly the planet around the cosmos like a huge balloon with a hole in it.

This is of course BONKERS, but at least they HAVE a plan!

Which is a DAY-TIME TV link to the current invasion of Iraq.

Apparently, things are not being as entirely won as might previously have been reported. At least, the Monkey-in-Chief's new nominee to replace Mr Donald Rumsfailed seems to think so.

It seems that replacing the ever-upbeat Mr Rumsfailed has led to the chickens coming home to roost. If Darth Cheney doesn't shoot them, anyway!

This comes out just a day before the publication of the much leaked "Iraq Study Group" report, titled: "WHEN I SAY RUN… RUN!"

This sets out a new strategy for the war. The strategy is to HAVE a strategy – which is an innovation. Unfortunately, this is all too much for the Monkey-in-Chief and he has had to go and sit in a darkened room until the New Year while he tries to think about what to do.

The report warns that a "job done" strategy is no longer viable.

Mr Bush agreed entirely, saying that he would reject "…ideas that would lead to defeat" - such as "leaving before the job is done".

(Note to self: Check the US President's SAT scores for written comprehension.)

Assuming it can get off the ground, the recommended strategy comes in three parts: renew political purpose among Americans; reassess the military objectives in Iraq; and re-start the diplomatic process with countries in the region, specifically the ones that the US hasn't bombed back to the Stone Age already: i.e. Syria and Iran.

Iran, of course, tried to open up discussions with America back in 2003 and was stomped on by none other than RECENTLY SACKED Donald Rumsfailed – so unsurprisingly they elected a new NUT JOB PRESIDENT of their own and are now a TOUCH less cooperative!

Looking at the "new diplomatic offensive" strategy, the Monkey-in-Chief said he would certainly consider the words "new" and "offensive"…

Lord Blairimort has, of course, flown out to America to receive his orders discuss the matter fully with the President.

We always stand shoulder to shoulder with America when they suffer a disaster like this, don't we.

Fortunately, our plucky and independent FOREIGN POLICY is not decided in Washington, goodness me no, so we have ENTIRELY INDEPENDENTLY decided to wait until the New Year before announcing that our response will be EXACTLY whatever the Pentagon tells us it will be.

Secretary of State for Caravan Holidays and Middle-Eastern Armageddon, Mrs Bucket appeared on the radio to explain the position.

"I do wish you people would make your minds up," she sighed, "one minute you are saying that all our foreign policy is decided by America, the next you are saying we cannot make up our minds until America tells us what to do!"

This is a PARTICULARLY GOOD example of DOUBLETHINK – instead of thinking two opposite things at the same time, Mrs Bucket can think the SAME THOUGHT TWICE and believe that it is the OPPOSITE of ITSELF! What a master of Ingsoc!

Mind you, she had just described the thirty-seven minute farewell speech by UN Secretary General Mr Kofi Annan as "journalists putting words in his mouth".

(She was probably thinking of Lord Blairimort's recent admission slip of the tongue with Mr Frosty the Snowman on al-Jazeera.)

Anyway, if that isn't BRAIN-BENDING enough for you, you can always try and get your head around the "Kafka-esque" MoD.

That's according to General Sir Mike Jackson, who has criticised the way that the government pays our soldiers peanuts.

(This MAY be more orders from the American Monkey-in-Chief!)

Lord Blairimort's Wars may be costing us £3.8 million a day but very little of it seems to be getting through to the actual people on the ground standing in the way of insurgent bullets and bombs.

General Sir Mike was PARTICULARLY impressed with the MoD congratulating itself for an "accommodation plan" based on affordability rather than actually accommodating any soldiers or families.

"While we do not agree with everything Sir Mike has said, we are always the first to recognise - for example in relation to medical services and accommodation - that although we have delivered real improvements, there is more we can do," said Mr Twisty-Turny, a Ministry snake-oil salesman.

"And we have set ourselves a target of a 30% reduction in real improvements to prove it," he added.

We don't even NEED the Daleks to come and destroy the world! We seem quite able to mess it up ourselves!

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