...a blog by Richard Flowers

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Day 2322: Lord Blairimort in Paradise


Specifically: Paradise, Texas. What BETTER place to launch his…

Just how quickly CAN the Americans change their Constitution to let non-natural-born Americans stand for the HIGHEST OFFICE? Because let's face the facts, the ONLY chance the Replutocats have of winning the next presidential election is: CLINTON versus BLAIRIMORT!

No, never mind that; for the next SEVEN WEEKS Lord Blairimort still has his slippery fingers on the ROYAL PREROGATIVE and the POWER TO MAKE TREATIES! One quick FLOURISH of the pen and the site of the former Queen Mary Maternity Home in Edinburgh is ceded in perpetuity to the United States of America; Lord Blairimort is de facto born in the USA!

Because the fact is that Lord Blairimort remains in the Americans' all-time TOP THREE favourite British People. And the other two (Princess Diana and Gandalf) are FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!

They think he is one of the best and most popular people in the World. Using the word World in the American sense, as in "World Series", i.e. meaning America.

And after spending the last eight years doing the bidding of the most POWERFUL man on Earth – Darth Cheney – why stop now, just when he's loving it? As an added bonus, being Lord President Blairimort he would still get to give orders to Mr Frown!

Before that, though, Lord Blairimort will take to the skies – running up a final tally of Blair Miles – for a whistle-stop final farewell world tour.

First he's off to France to meet the new French President, Monsieur Sarcastic, and then next week he's taking a trip to Washington D.C. to see the Monkey-in-Chief. Perhaps he'll find the time finally to pick up that Congressional Medal of Honour that he got awarded, for being such a CHUM about Iraq. Congress may be a bit less chuffed about giving it to him these days, of course.

After that there's a visit to South Africa, and any other African nations that will have him where he'll be laying the groundwork for his lucrative Halliburton contracts Foundation for World Peace and Prayer™. No doubt they'll remind them about all those promises he made at Gleneagles.

Then he'll be off to Germany for the G8 summit, where he'll no doubt be able to remind them to keep quiet about all those promises he made at Gleneagles.

And finally to Brussels where he'll be attending the European Summit just days before Mr Frown takes over and has to deal with all the fall out from whatever crazy agreements Lord B makes.

Lord Blairimort has always loved the JET SET lifestyle. And averaging an altitude of ten thousand metres above sea level for two months will ensure that he at least leaves on a LITERAL if not metaphorical "high".

Anyway, now that all the "Stop Gordon" candidates he tried to set up have fallen by the wayside it is time to graciously hand over as he always promised he would, he finally found it in himself to endorse his successor, Mr Frown!

"He'll be FINE," said Lord Blairimort. "FINE! Don't make an issue of it!"

Mr Frown has of course launched his own campaign to grind all opposition into the ground, beginning with a pledge to be HUMBLE.

I have looked up the word "humble" and it does not APPEAR to say: "SULKING until I get the ABSOLUTE power that is MINE BY RIGHT!"

"I have never believed presentation should be a substitute for policy," says Mr Frown. "I do not believe politics is about celebrity."

Who could he POSSIBLY be referring to?

Obviously, the REAL message here is "I am not HIM!"

But we've heard all of these warm fuzzy listen to the people promises before. And they are JUST LIKE "HIM!" Actions would speak louder than words.

There are three very obvious ways that Mr Frown could draw a line under the Blairimort Years and start if not quite FRESH at least a bit less niffy than RANCID.

Number One: pull out of Iraq. You KNOW you're going to have to sooner or later anyway, when the Americans leave. Doing it straight away makes you look decisive, distances you from the Monkey-in-Chief and might start the healing process in this country.

Number Two: declare independence of the NHS. It's a bonkers policy, and fundamentally meaningless (since the Treasury will still decide on who gets what money) but it will remind everyone of your one HUGE success, independence of the Bank of England and will shoot the Conservatories' latest fox – they can hardly beat you over the head with "interfering in the NHS" if you've just sworn off doing exactly that. Plus, anything they say about it you can call THEM for PLAYING POLITICS.

Number Three: as tipped by the Liberal Review, give the country FAIR VOTES. If you don't think you can win the next election ANYWAY – and believe me, Mr Frown, you can't from this point – then at least you can make sure Mr Balloon can never win either. Why Mr Frown, how comfortable you look in that MANGER.

Mr Frown is certainly likely to pull SOMETHING out of his, er, hat. It is his STYLE – remember the 2p "tax cut that wasn't a tax cut" from the budget?

Meanwhile, the race to replace the Minister for Magical Accidents is HOTTING UP! Soon it will reach TEPID!

Clementine coloured carpetbagger Mr Peter Vain has published a list of his backers including Mr Richard Wilson who is the Labour Chief Whip… hang on, that is in a PLAY; he's not a REAL MP! What a terracotta tinted twit you are, Mr Vain!

Never mind, I am sure that THESE people will still let you scrabble onto the ballot.

Not to be out done, Ms Harriet Harpy (Flydale North) has published her own list of supporters.

If you want some fun, you can try to see if there is anyone on BOTH lists! (I have not spotted anyone.)

What would be more fun is if instead of an election, they had to play TOP TRUMPS with their supporters!

Mr Vain plays "Mr Nick Palmer – spinning like topsie on Political Betting dot Com, Leadership Stooge: 8"

But Ms Harpy TRUMPS HIM with "Evil Ian Wright – betraying my constituents and closing the local hospital, Leadership Stooge: 10"

(Mr Vain would have been better playing "Mr Bob Marshall-Andrews – decrying the leadership, Dynamic Charisma: 7" against Ms Harpy's Mr Buff Hoon, or Ms Patricia Blewit!)

The ACTUAL rules will be decided by the Party Chairperson… and I do still think it is a bit IFFY that that headless chicken impersonator Ms Bleary is one of the candidates and has still not resigned as the Party Chairperson and organiser of the contest!

Mind you, everyone seems to think that the winner is going to be Mr Hillary Benn, or to give him his proper name Mr Benny Hill. He is famous for being the son of another famous man, Mr Benny Over-the-Hill.

Of course, under the Labour's rules, you need to be endorsed by 12.5% of their MPs in order to stand, so you can always have at least SEVEN candidates without anyone having to double up. So far there are only SIX.

Wouldn't it be fun to get some of the remaining MPs to nominate Lord Blairimort as Deputy Leader… just to see Mr Frown's face!

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