...a blog by Richard Flowers

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Day 2209: Licence… to Bribe


Today my diary will be about a story that Sir Mr the Merciless brought to my attention: Lord Blairimort, the Secret Service and the BRIBES TO ARABIA scandal!

Of course, I WAS going to have a go about the government’s miserly plans for the licence fee that funds the BBC, “one of the greatest assets of this country” as Lady Shirley Williams (Tom Baker) put it.

The rise is going to be fixed at 3% this year and 3% next and 2% a year for the three years after that, rather than linked to the inflation rate. This is supposed to give the BBC “stability”, a PARTICULARLY LUDICROUS idea in the week that the government admits that it’s lost control of inflation.

Actually, I was pretty nearly pushed over the edge by Conservatory Caroline Spellman – a “man” who casts “spells”? WARLOCKS, I hear you cry! – who called the licence fee a “stealth tax”. WARLOCKS, I hear you cry! It is possibly the LEAST stealthy tax in history as everyone has to pay and gets constant intrusive television advertisements telling them they’ll be hunted down like a dog if they don’t cough up. In fact, what is wrong with the licence fee is that it is a POLL TAX but the Conservatories used to think that those were a GOOD IDEA!

Anyway, I WAS going to do my diary about that, but this is a MUCH more important story.

Sir Mr the Merciless raised the issue in Prime Minister’s Comedy Slap-about Half-hour. He wanted the answers to a lot of questions. In particular, why Lord Blairimort stopped the police from asking a lot of questions.

Lord B said the Liberal Democrats wanted to be principled without thinking of the cost to Britain and called this “an object lesson in the absence of leadership”.

In fact, Lord Blairimort has things fluffy-bottom-about-face, as usual.

LEADERSHIP is about persuading people to do things THE RIGHT WAY, and not about cravenly capitulating to a feudal despotdom with a human rights record that makes the Spanish Inquisition look like Strictly Come Dancing!

PRINCIPLES mean doing the RIGHT THING even if there is a cost, and working out how to protect people’s jobs might involve a bit more hard work than JUST DOING WHAT THE BAD MEN SAY!

Lord Blairimort was clearly touchy on this subject already this week, since his Press Conference, when he was asked if there was REALLY any threat that the Saudis might stop cooperating with our secret services (like Lord B had said there was, but like MI6 had said there really wasn’t!).

I have TRANSCRIBED here his answer in full – together with some helpful translations for those who do not speak NuLabSpeak:

Blairimort: Well I won’t get into discussing the intelligence aspect of this,
[translation: because you caught me that way before]

Blairimort: but I can absolutely assure you there is no doubt whatever in my mind,
[translation: there never is]

Blairimort: and I think those of any of the people
[translation: me]

Blairimort: who have looked at
[translation: glanced at]

Blairimort: this issue, that had we proceeded with this
[translation: had we not stopped the police proceeding with the legitimate investigation of a crime]

Blairimort: the result would have been devastating for our relationship with an important country with whom we co-operate closely on terrorism, on security, on the Middle East peace process,
[translation: if we arrest them for corruption, they won’t let us drive tanks around in their desert]

Blairimort: and a host of other issues,
[translation: I can’t think of any but I bet you can’t either so I won’t get challenged for saying this]

Blairimort: and that is leaving aside
[translation: but I’m going to mention it anyway]

Blairimort: the thousands of jobs that we would have lost
[translation: just think about the money, stupid]

Blairimort: which is not for consideration in this case but nonetheless I just point it out.
[translation: I told you I was going to mention it anyway!]

So, basically, what Lord Blairimort is saying is that we have to bribe the Saudis to get lots of jobs and if we don’t then the terrorists will get us.

What kind of security are we getting here? The best that money can buy?

It may have escaped his wickedly wizardliness but, thanks to the CIA, Osama Bin Laden is a multi-BILLIONAIRE. It’s just possible that he might be able to bribe them better than we can!

Anyway, despite the MYSTERIOUS continued silence from Mr Balloon (nothing to do with his close personal friendship with the arms dealer at the centre of the case, of course) it is not just Sir Mr the Merciless who wants some answers.

The Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development has some “serious concerns” about why Great Britain is apparently in breach of our TREATY AGREEMENTS.

Apparently the OECD are the people who started off by running the MARSHALL PLAN, so it’s ONLY America, France, Germany, Canada, Austria, Belgium, Denmark, Greece, Ireland, Italy and so on…

HONESTLY, if you carry on like THIS Lord Blairimort, it won’t be long before the police are round Number Ten arresting someone for PERVERTING THE COURSE OF JUSTICE…

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