...a blog by Richard Flowers

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Day 2207: Go Directly to Gaol, Lord Blairimort


As you should ALREADY KNOW from reading my Daddy Alex’s diary, last night I let my Daddies stay up past their bedtime in order to watch a programme on the Channel More called “The Trial of Tony Blair”.

We thought that it was jolly funny, and you might like to catch the repeat!

It was about a made-up person called “Tony Blair” who is a pretend version of our Prime Minister, Lord Blairimort. They gave several other famous people pretend names too, presumably for LEGAL REASONS. So, Mr Frown was called “Mr Brown” and Mr Balloon (played by Alexander Armstrong who does very well when he hosts “Have I Got News for You” from time to time) was given the REALLY silly name of “Mr Cameron”!

To be honest it was a bit of a WISH FULFILMENT piece, with pretty much everyone getting what they deserved: “Mr Cameron” was a vacuous bicycling ninny with his suit in the Lexus, incapable of making a decision who lost the election; “Mr Brown” was a quivering coward with horribly bitten nails who got lumbered with a majority of two; and Mr “Tony Blair” got a bad case of the Lady Macbeths and a well deserved one way ticket to the Hague.

We loved it!

Mr “Tony Blair” was played by Mr Michael Murray, who once appeared as Citizen Smith in G.B.H. as a notorious power hungry left-wing moderniser in a sharp suit who descended into twitching madness. You wouldn’t have thought typecasting would be a problem, would you?

We did not get to see the actual trial – Daddy thought it should have finished with Mr “Tony Blair” standing in front of the panel and the lead judge pronouncing:

Anthony Charles Lynton Blair, we find you…” cue titles.

But in a way, that was just as telling; the ACTUAL outcome of a trial being a FOREGONE CONCLUSION!

He WAS put through the wringer a bit, though, the “Trial” of the title clearly meaning TRIBULATIONS rather than facing the beak!

No sooner has he moved into his very expensive new house than the housing crash comes along and wipes out his equity, not helped by the (hilarious) cameo appearance of Mr Brian Haw, the man that the REAL Lord Blairimort worked so hard to ban from protesting in Parliament Square.

(You remember – that was the reason that only “Christians” with torches and pitchforks are now allowed to bother people within a mile of Parliament!)

None of the people he thought of as his friends wanted to know him any more; the expected jobs with the UN or the Gates foundation fail to turn up; and his memoirs turn out to be unreadable self justifying pap (with added “God” to the horror of his publisher). “Where’s the money going to come from?” he was asked after proposing yet another castle in the air idea; “business men, millionaires,” he says, “there must be hundreds on the last Honours list”. To Cherie’s chagrin, the money does not arrive.

Then there are the nightmares from Iraq that start to haunt him.

With Hillary Billary in the White House (great “Chairman Mao” style portraits of her in the American Embassy, by the way!) and the Monkey-in-Chief in rehab, the Americans decide that they will look a bit less hostile if they let the UN set up a War Crime Tribunal on the invasion of Iraq!

Tragically, we do not believe that it will ever turn out this way, although many moments were completely believable: the US ambassador saying to “Tony Blair”, for political reasons, “we’re going to have to say a whole load of nasty things about you in public; I just want you to know we don’t mean any of it,” or the way that “Mr Brown” did not have the bottle to ACTUALLY send “Tony Blair” to gaol, but told the British Ambassador to go and hide in the LOO so he didn’t have to vote to veto!

The script would wind you up to the point where you are almost ready to feel sympathy for him, only to have him deliver a crushing reminder of why he deserves it so much.

In fact I had to say “BAD DADDY!” to Daddy Richard once, as he demanded MORE suffering! “That is not the REAL Lord Blairimort,” I said.

Having to be put through the humiliation of fingerprinting and then a mouth swab for DNA, “Tony Blair” recoils, as anybody would.

Sorry, Sir, but it’s compulsory,” says the nice police man.

Since when?” he demands.

Since you made it so, sir,” he is told.

Confronted with the awfulness of waiting in a casualty cubicle spattered with blood and poo, you finally feel that he is witnessing the depths of his failure.

I didn’t know I was getting special treatment before!” he says, “Couldn’t we, you know, go private?

There IS no private casualty, Tony,” says Cherie.

Has he learned his lesson at last? What do you think?!

How did we miss that?” he says.

His obsession is with his “Legacy”, and specifically what it is NOT going to be. (A Clue: Iraq. A Clue, Mr “Tony Blair”: too late!) He began the story by asking his secretary “what WERE my principals?” When she suggests: “to do the right thing?” he spends the rest of the story worrying whether he DID do the right thing.

It is all too familiar to those of us in the REAL world, where this week muddle-headed Lord Blairimort says that HE won’t be giving up flying off long haul on his freebie holidays and stuff the consequences for global warming.

Yes it is Lord “Do as I SAY, not as I DO” Blairimort all over.

Another clue came in his monthly “news conference”. (This is Blairimort-speak for “I stand at the front and flap my lips while you can ask questions that I will ignore”.)

Asked why the 300th birthday of the Act of Onion would be celebrated with no fireworks and only a new coin, he said:

On Scotland, I think the most important thing is not fireworks but argument…” yes it is all WORDS not DEEDS with him!

One thing – alarming to Mr Frown – that some people picked up on was the way Lord B implicitly accepted an assumption that HE would be at the EU summit in June, and by extension STILL Prime Minister. Obviously, this is just reading too much into his words. (That ALWAYS happens!)

The pretend Mr “Tony Blair” had “unexpectedly” stayed on until 2010. Lord Blairimort would NEVER break his word that way. Surely? Would he?

1 comment:

Apollo Project said...

Is anyone else put in mind of Brave Sir Robin when Gordon is around?

"Brave Sir Robin ran away. ("No!")
Bravely ran away, away. ("I didn't!")
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled. ("No!")
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about ("I didn't!")
And gallantly he chickened out. ("I never did!")
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat, ("All lies!")
Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin! ("I never!")"