Mr Frown has spoken to the nation through the medium of the Daily Hellograph and he has said he would quite like it to REMAIN a nation, thank you very much.
This is because he has the same initials as the country… yes, he is Mr UK Frown.
Actually, I am inclined to agree that it is A GOOD THING for our countries to stick together. We can achieve so much more together than apart – we in London benefit from the industry and invention of the Scots just as much as they benefit from the wealth generated down here in the City. After all, the Bank of England was invented by a SCOTSMAN!
But Britain as an idea is under threat!
This is in part because Lord Blairimort has spoiled the whole idea of Britain as a power for GOOD in the world through his nasty adventure in the Middle East. How can people be proud of being British any more?
But there is also the threat from people who want to split us up from within.
Devolving powers but still working together is a very LIBERAL idea. The Labour and the Conservatories like to control things from the middle; for them the idea of lots of different local people having the power to make decisions for themselves is very strange.
Socialist parties like the Scottish Nasty Party have the same idea but not so much ambition. They know that they cannot win the support of the WHOLE country, so they want to try and split off a bit that they CAN control and set up a new centre to control it from.
In fact, perhaps this is why Mr Balloon's Conservatories are coming around to the idea of splitting up the country – they can hardly get any support outside of the Home Counties any more, so they would rather rule a ruined Kingdom than try to win over a United one.
I am less impressed with Mr Frown's ideas for KEEPING the country together: history on the National Curriculum, an Institute of Britishness, and a shiny new £2 coin.
Golly, I AM inspired!
Why not try to come up with a really BIG project that the whole country can get behind! How about throwing us all into a HUGE national effort to save the environment – every school and every town could compete to generate more clean energy, Blue Peter could run the totaliser! It would give us something to be PROUD of being BRITISH for again!
Speaking of keeping it together, Mr Balloon has followed Mr Frown onto Mr Andy Marr's comfy sofa for a cosy chat about whether he could hold the Conservatories together.
Mr Balloon was challenged about the UKIP: "look," he said, "one of their MEPs has just defected to the fascists: you can tell how nutty they are from where their defectors go to! I mean look the two Conservatories who just defected to UKIP, clearly that means we are as nutty as… oh bugger!"
Rumours that Mr Balloon is now so nervous that he has taking to chanting the word "Thatcher" six times quickly CANNOT be true, can they?
Asked how to keep the country together, Mr Balloon says that the answer is for there to be a STRONG central government that can IMPOSE solutions on the different factions.
Well, no, he says that that is TERRIBLY BAD for Britain but that is what he wants for Iraq. Nice that Conservatory principles can be applied everywhere, then.
Mind you, asked to pick a cash saving, Mr B immediately chose to abolish regional councils. Sure, the Minister for Magical Accidents may have set them up as expensive QUANGOS, but rather than fix them, democratise them Mr Balloon chooses to re-centralise them. Maybe he is confused!
No, Mr Balloon’s real message for the New Year is "responsibility, responsibility, responsibility". Mr B says that he wants to give everyone lots more responsibilities.
Clearly this word has been FOCUS GROUP tested in order to play well with Conservatory voters, but Mr Balloon does not seem to be using ENGLISH in the same way as other people.
Surely, a RESPONSIBILITY is something that you are REQUIRED to do, even if it is something you would rather not.
e.g "a particular burden of obligation upon one who is responsible"
You have a responsibility to keep your car in good repair and insurance up to date. You have a responsibility to see that your family are all all right. You have a responsibility to point out when the leader of Her Majesty's loyal opposition is being a right idiot.
Mr Balloon seems to want to have FEWER responsibilities for the government and MORE for, well, everyone else.
What LIBERALS really want is to give people lots more FREEDOMS.
We would like to think that Mr Balloon meant giving people more choices, more control over things that happen in their local area – more say on school boards, more accountable councils, health trusts that provide what people ask them for.
When Mr Balloon talks about "setting hospitals free, letting them own their own buildings, choose their own Romanian cleaning staff" he does not seem to be talking about letting the LOCAL PEOPLE own their own hospitals: he seems to be thinking of the hospital as an independent BUSINESS.
He doesn't seem to be thinking about PEOPLE at all!
People should have proper choices, like whether to have a new school in their area, rather than the false choices they get at the moment: to like it or lump it (or take the Mr Ruth Kelly option).
Unfortunately, we suspect that what Mr Balloon is REALLY saying is: "well WE'RE not going to spend any more money on your school/street cleaning/hospital; that's YOUR RESPONSIBILITY now!"
Mr Balloon wants to present the people with a clear choice: "We can present Britain with a clear choice," he says, "a modern and coherent Conservatism, based on the idea of social responsibility, or a divided and defeatist Labour Party wedded to the old ways of state control."
So, our choice is to do as we are told by Mr Frown or… do as we are told by Mr Balloon.
Very modern and coherent.
I think that people would like to be able to choose things for themselves! I think that they should take back the freedoms AND the responsibilities by getting in a good Liberal Democrat government that will trust them with freedom!
I think that's a better answer.
Meanwhile, Mr Balloon has found time to expound on his latest new idea in the Daily Hellograph.
He and Mr Frown are together on that, at least!