...a blog by Richard Flowers

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Day 2242: Advice to the American Anglicans – Get Out Now!


It's a twap! It's a twap! as flappy, fishy fleet-commander Admiral Akbar would say.

Today the leaders of the Church offered their American branch a DEAL: stop behaving like CHRISTIANS and we'll let you stay in our GANG.

The idea that the Episcopal Church should let those members who want to HATE GAY DADDIES set up a "parallel" church organisation within an organisation is NOT a compromise. It is the first step towards kicking the NICE Americans out WITHOUT having to let them take all of their church buildings and all of their money with them!

Yes, that's right – it is a PROPERTY SCAM!

It ought to be OBVIOUS to anyone who thinks about it that the Anglican Church has a CASH FLOW problem. The problem being none of the CASH will FLOW into Africa.

The Church of England IN England is clearly VERY RICH indeed. But unfortunately, it is rich because it OWNS large bits OF England, and they are not very portable. Plus the Church Commissioners rather lost a lot of it in financial scandals in the 90s. Most of the International Anglican Communion's ACTUAL CASH MONEY therefore resides in… ta dah!... AMERICA!

So the Americans have all the money and the Africans have nothing except their PATHOLOGICAL HATRED religious convictions.

So, if they kick the Yanks out TODAY, then all that lovely lucre goes with them. Bye bye lovely money! No, can't have that. So instead, they have decided to set up a RIVAL Anglican Church inside the Church in America so that when the time comes they can go to COURT to get hold of some or all of the DOSH!

Imagine the scene in court now: "We've been the Anglican Church here for years and years, sir. And we put all of this money into the collection." "Ahh, but, your honourship, WE'VE got the shiny purple BADGE from the Archpillock of Canterbury saying WE'RE the PROPER Anglican Church. Case dismissed."

Here are the other details of the deal:

  • No more BLESSINGS for couples who love each other if they happen to be of the same GENDER.
  • No more promoting Gay Daddies to the rank of Bishop… sorry, that should read no more promoting Gay Daddies who are HONEST about being Gay Daddies.
  • And smile and say thank you as we hit you with this stick.

Dr Rowan Williams, less spiritual leader of the world's Anglican Communion, more Womble that has turned to the DARK SIDE, described the deal as:

"A challenge for both sides."

Yes, the CHALLENGE for one side is to see if they can hold off RANTING about Gay Daddies until they’ve got their hands on the loot, while CHALLENGE for the other side is to see if they can grin and bear it while their done up like KIPPERS!

Dr Williams hopes to "provide a way of moving forward with dignity", which is obviously rather easier for HIM to say than the people he is expecting to GROVEL on their knees.

So, MY advice to the Americans is GET OUT! Get while the going is GOOD! Keep your churches and bank accounts and gay daddies and women bishops and STAY TRUE to your belief in a religion of LOVE and KINDNESS.

Do not worry about leaving the Church of England with NOTHING. I am SURE that I remember SOMETHING about poverty being A GOOD THING in the Christian Church. Something about a ROLE MODEL.

For some reason the Archpillock of Canterbury seems to have forgotten who that role model was.

Perhaps someone can remind him for me!

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