...a blog by Richard Flowers

Friday, September 15, 2006

Day 2082: Clare Snort


The Minister for doing the things that Mr Prescott is being paid for not doing, Mrs Ruth Kelly, is required to practice GUILT, SELF-LOATHING and FLAGELLATION by her bizarre religious sect.

So what is Ms CLAIRE SNORT’s excuse?

She seems to have become UNABLE to say the word LIBERAL. Perhaps Lord Blairimort has put a CURSE on her!

Now she is quitting her job as an MP.

She says that one of her reasons is that "the rise of the third party…" (SEE, she cannot say the word!) "…means our electoral system is ever-more DISTORTED".

Daddy Alex actually agrees with Ms Snort! He says that ever since that third party got into Parliament in 1906 they have been trying to DISTORT democracy!

In a typical gesture, Ms Snort has made her announcement by writing to the newspapers, speaking on the radio and HANDCUFFING herself to a SPACE SATELLITE to broadcast it to the entire universe.

Unfortunately, this means she has ALSO been heard on the distant planet inhabited the Labour Party WHIPS. Their chief, Jacqui Smith, has said that Ms Snort may be EXPELLED!

"That would be FINE," replied Ms Snort, "FINE… DON’T make an issue of it!"

Lord Blairimort's CURSE has HAUNTED Ms Snort for some time now.

He knew that she would be willing to follow his orders in return for the KUDOS of a seat in the Cabinet, and on the basis that she did what she was told he was happy to tolerate her endless grumbling as she got on and did it.

This has given Ms Snort a VERY UNFAIR reputation for complaining all the time.

The curse of complaints had already eroded the value of anything that she might say, but the CAMEL-FLATTENING final straw was her abject acquiescence to principled stance over the Iraq invasion.

KINDLY Ms Snort could not bring herself to leave Lord Blairimort in the lurch, supported as he was by only most of Labour and Conservatory Parties. So, in spite of the fact that she had to abandon SAINTLY Robin Cook and devalue his noble gesture, she DID NOT resign then.

A couple of months later it suddenly turned out that Ms Snort had actually already resigned over the Iraq war ten years earlier.

To cover Lord Blairimort's embarrassment, Ms Snort GENEROUSLY came up with the excuse that she'd wanted a say in the way the occupation went and, SILLY HER, hadn't realised that the MASSIVE AMERICAN INVASION FORCE might get a little bit in the way.

But it is not ALL complaints!

Her article in the INDEPENDENT spends a lot of time CONGRATULATING HERSELF about all the good Labour things that Lord Blairimort's government got done, saying that they were all decided before he got there by Mr John Smith. I suppose this must make her feel better about being FORCED to serve Lord Blairimort.

She spreads more JOY and HAPPINESS with her praise for her own work at the Department of International Development. I am sure she would be EVEN MORE pleased if only her department had managed to raise Britain's level of overseas aid to the recommended UN level of 0.7% of GDP. (A Liberal Democrat promise for YONKS now.)

Isn't that NICE!

Looking to the future, she sees THREE things that need to be done:

  1. Get better public services
  2. Agree closer co-operation in Europe
  3. Protect the environment from climate change
Is it me, or does it seem like Ms Snort could do with some QUALITY TIME reading a Liberal Democrat MANIFESTO? If ONLY she could READ the word LIBERAL!

She says she wants to call for a HUNG PARLIAMENT; she has decided that the House of Commons should be shared out one third for the Labour, one third for the Conservatories and one third for (here comes that CURSE again) "Greens and OTHER parties". Which is VERY democratic of her: I'm so glad that we do not need to ask the ELECTORATE what they would like their parliament to look like. Ms Snort knows best.

Actually, that is just EXACTLY the "we know best" attitude of the REST of the Labour. Ms Snort's problem with Lord Blairimort turns out to be NOT that he wields unchecked arbitrary executive power – but that SHE doesn't!

Liberal Democrats find authority distinctly SUSPICIOUS, whoever has it.

Labour Ladies Mrs Ann Cryer (floral dress, pearls) and Ms Ann McKechin (power suit, Romulan haircut) have had their say on the Newsnight show.

"Clare has forgotten," said Mrs Cryer "that she had a cabinet seat but some of us have marginal seats. She should retract what she said, and with some luck that might save my job!"

Ms McKechin was more direct: "making direct attacks on people like this just proves that she smells."

With friend like THESE, what could Ms Snort have to fear?

Well, with an ENORMOUS swing in their favour at the last election, the INVISIBLE PARTY (that would be the Liberal Democrats) are already snapping at her heals in her Ladywood constituency. Could there be some question as to whether Ms Snort could even hold her own seat?

Some people might think that storming off in a HUFF and taking her toys away might be preferable to a HUMILIATING defeat.

No doubt Ms Snort though would be DELIGHTED to see all the things a Liberal Democrat government would do: increase overseas aid; act urgently to save the environment; improve relations with Europe; and bring in FAIR VOTING so that people could get proper representation and the power of the Prime Minister could be BALANCED by proper scrutiny.

She would be able to celebrate with a good old COMPLAIN!

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