...a blog by Richard Flowers

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Day 2068: Should I Stay or Should I Go?


The 27th of November 2008 is the date that OBSESSES Lord Blairimort. It is a THURSDAY. It is also the day on which Lord Blairimort will overtake Lady Thatcher as longest serving Prime Minister. And anyone who thinks he WANTS to retire a day earlier is a bigger fluffy toy than ME!

Like her, he has REMODELLED his political party; only he's gone further to the RIGHT! Like her, he has won three successive elections; only he got bigger majorities on LESS SUPPORT! Like her, he has fought a war; only he has EXPLODED more people! And like her, he has climbed out of his tree and gone totally CUCKOO; only he is still flying round the room going "tweet, tweet, tweet" and claiming that he can foresee the future!

So, it should not be a surprise that he would want to do the same but MORE SO in terms of squatting in Number Ten Downing Street.

Talking to THE TIMES he pretty much spells this out.

Asked about the unhappy times for the Conservatory Party at the end of Mrs Thatcher's era he replies:

"Yes, but they went on and won a fourth term."

"After a change of leader," interjects the Times

"Yes, but we are going to have a change of leader, aren't we, because I have said that," tweets the PM, obviously convinced that he is sticking to A SCRIPT.

(People say that history REPEATS itself, first as TRAGEDY then as COMEDY, but that still does not explain why Mr Frown would want to play the role of Major John to Lord Blairimort's Maggie. Perhaps it should be a MUSICAL: "Maggie!" and Andrew Lord Webber could hold auditions on BBC television every Saturday…)

Lord Blairimort continues to insist that he will not be revealing his timetable for departure:

(Lord Blairimort's timetable (not for release):
6.00: Wake Up
6.01: Cup of triple-mocha, extra frothy
6.05: Decide: "Right, I hate the lot of you."
6.06: Reach for nuclear launch codes…)

In spite of this, or more probably BECAUSE of this, SPECULATION FRENZY continues to grip the nation. Or at least the nation’s dead wood media. Hardly a day goes by without ANOTHER minister, ex-minister, would-be-minister or person-that-Tony-once-met chucking more PETROL on the fire by laying out their plan for SAVING the Labour in the POST-BLAIRIMORT era.

(In fact, one legacy of Lord Blairimort's too long a reign is the sheer NUMBER of these people, all without proper jobs any more, all yammering away! GET A BLOG, you people!)

Former Safety Elephant, Charles Clarke, has used the New Statesperkin to have another go at savaging Lord Blairimort this week, continuing in the proud tradition – going back to Frank "Dobbin" Dobson and Saint Mo of Molam – of the Labour ministers criticising the government's failings once they are no longer in a position to DO anything about it.

As it is, the Ex-Safety Elephant's "fault lines" (by which he means "not MY fault" lines) read like he has lifted them from the LIBERAL DEMOCRATS:

  • Failure to give power back to local government
  • Business concerns about tax, regulation and failure to adopt the Euro
  • Lack of confidence among environmental campaigners in the party's commitment to green issues
  • Failure on constitutional reform and fears over civil liberties
  • Iraq
These are all good points, but it is a BIT ODD that Mr Clarke did not spot any of them last year when Lord Blairimort was still his BOSS.

Meanwhile, Mr Alan Milburn, the cabinet yo-yo who used to be the next best thing before he QUIT, CAME BACK and QUIT AGAIN writes in the SUNDAY TIMES to warn against any "Mrs Thatcher style frogmarching exit" for his beloved Lord Blairimort. He also makes a not-very-coded attack on Mr Frown by warning that "A Trappist vow of silence will not work".

And Mr Stephen "pants on" Byers is at it too, mouthing off AGAIN, this time telling the SUNDAY TELEGRAPH that he is telling Mr Frown to "put up or shut up".

This is all part of Lord Blairimort’s AGENDA to control his successor’s government FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE.

Nor has this fact eluded Mr Frown and his chums, as they have sent their own man into bat: Mr Ed Balls writes in the OBSERVER though he might as well have kept it to "Shut up! Gordon will decide what he’s doing once you hand power over to him. You bas–"

Further down the FOOD CHAIN, orange-hued apostate Mr Peter Hain nailed his colours to the Chancellor’s mast by declaring no-one but Mr Frown should succeed Lord Blairimort. Mr Hain faces an INTERESTING choice later this month: whether to KEEP his Ministership or join with EVERY OTHER Welsh MP in a motion calling for Lord Blairimort to fall under a bus, ideally before his continued rule ANNIHILATES the Labour in next May’s Welsh local and assembly elections. Presumably he hopes this loyalty to Mr Frown will act as a lifeline when the time comes.

And one time Demon Headmaster, Jack Man-o-Straw also spoke up – probably in the hope that people will not forget who he used to be – to say they should not "invent ideological or policy divisions where, in truth, they don’t exist." ("We hate each other enough already without inventing MORE reasons!" he might have added.)

Of course, there is one man who could sort it all out. But since my Daddy Alex is in the LIBERAL DEMOCRATS, the Labour are stuck with Mr Frown.

Mr Frown has his own timetable, and November 2008 suits him very nicely too. Inherit just before Christmas; six-month honeymoon; big “surprise” tax cuts in the budget ("thank you Mr Balls", "no thank YOU Mr Frown"); May general election; returned for fourth term.

Better just hope that Lord Blairimort doesn’t agree to helping out the Monkey-in-Chief's NEO-CON timetable for 2008: Invade Iran just before Presidential Election; "Only we can save you!"; Republican Sith Apprentice elected; World War III.

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