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...a blog by Richard Flowers

Monday, June 16, 2008

Day 2716: We Can be Britain's Baracks – Why you should be in Henley this week! aka Millennium Elephant meets Stephen Kearney (who is BRILLIANT!)

Sunday:


It has been QUITE a week hasn't it, what with the 42 days, the madness of Mr Davis David and the Euro No in Ireland… and unfortunately it has also been a busy time for Daddy Richard which is why it has taken so long to write up my interview with the frankly BRILLIANT Mr Stephen Kearney, Liberal Democrat Candidate to… well I COULD say "replace BoJo the Clown" but it's about time the people of Henley, Thame and South Oxfordshire had a PROPER MP and Mr Stephen could be it!

So get yourselves to Henley. Or to Thame. Or to any of the pretty little Oxfordshire villages in between. Get out there and do some delivering, or canvassing, or just talking and listening to local people because they deserve an MP of the quality and charisma of Mr Stephen.

I was lucky enough to meet him in the Liberal Democrat HQ in Thame, along with Daddy Alex and Daddy Richard and Ms Linda and Ms Helen. (And best wishes from Citizen Alix who was in BED… had to go to her mummy's birthday later!)


Meet the Candidate (He's Brill!)
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Our interview, by chance rather than design, takes us through Mr Stephen's fascinating story from his beginnings and growings-up to his inspirations and hopes for the future.

So, after a TRADITIONAL round of DOUGHNUTS and talking with your mouth full, during which we pried Mr Stephen's middle name from him – it is Andrew – I picked on Ms Linda at random to start us off with a question.

What Ms Linda wanted to know is what inspired him to stand.

This took Mr Stephen back to his ORIGINAL motivation, from his childhood. As a teenager, one of those young people hanging around with nothing to do, he was lucky enough to get involved in a project called – funnily enough – Focus. Their youth worker was interested in outreach work, and met young people and encouraged them to make use of a building that the town had allocated to the project, to set up theatre groups and community café. And almost more importantly allowed them to manage it all – to be everything from managing directors to cleaners – and to make their own mistakes and learn from those mistakes. It taught him to be reflective about what went wrong, and WHY it went wrong.

He's taken forward those lessons always to be thoughtful about what we do and the impact that it has. That leads to an understanding that links people's personal growth with action, and how our actions at a local level influence policy. That is why he got involved in setting up the charity Regenerate.


They met people in their own communities and encouraged them to grow out of the difficulties in their own lives, encouraged them to take action and then looked at how that action could influence the Labour, the Conservatoires and the Liberal Democrats.

The party that listened most, over a good twenty years, was the Liberal Democrats, working with people like Alex Carlile, Lembit Opik and Simon Hughes.

He was quite frank that in the Nineties NONE of the Parties impressed them, but he was particularly angry about the Conservatories and what they tried to do to the voluntary sector, trying to get charities to deliver public services on the cheap, something – he feels – that they are trying to do AGAIN!

However, it was the encouragement of Mr Alex and Mr Lembit, and of the local chair in Henley, that drew his interest in Party Politics more and more into working with the Liberal Democrats, so that now he is convinced that he wants to spend the NEXT twenty years moving us from the third force in British politics to being the party of government.

Next Ms Helen introduced herself with a laugh – this is FUNNY because Ms Helen has been working as a case worker in Henley for the past FORTNIGHT!

Why, she wanted to know with genuine wide-eyed wonder, did he choose to leave retail management (for the WHSmug company) and go to agricultural college?

This, said Mr Stephen, goes back again to his youth, and the youth-working teams having close ties to the Young Farmers and the Church and so on. At what HE calls the very young age of eleven (and I will have you know that eleven is ANCIENT when you are eight [R:seven] like ME!) he got to spend time working on a dairy farm. He found he was completely in his elephant element, being given responsibility all the time. It was all HANDS-ON experience, from taking a little tractor every day to deliver the churns of milk to the top of the drive to being sent to help a cow who was calving! Er how? Well if you don't try you won't find out!

And so all the time that he was working with WHSmug, and training and managing their branches, that was all very town-based and so he was always going back to the farm, and eventually he left WHSmug to go and run a farm – he was helped by a lady that he knew, who coincidentally enough is a member of the Liberal Democrats, to join her son in buying a small pony farm. And a couple of years into that he decided that he wanted a proper agricultural education.

During his time at college he was spotted as bright and energetic by one of the big agricultural companies and got offered a job in his year out. All of his friends were very jealous! But ten years in he found that he had become very disillusioned, because of the practices of agri-business in international trade, particularly in respect of our treatment of small farm collectives in places like Malawi. With our resources and business intelligence we were the ones who were able to drive the prices and keep them out of the business.

But fortunately for him he had been doing a lot of voluntary work already, and so he was able to come out of the business and within a couple of years had set up Regenerate.

So, is standing in Henley a logical progression, asked Helen.

Of course, it's a hugely rural constituency, Mr Stephen replied, and we have a lot of problems in the rural community at the moment, whether it is the cost of housing; or the lack of facilities for young people to develop into the community and stay IN the community; or the price of oil and indeed DEPENDENCE on oil. The Liberal agenda around LOCALISM is inevitably going to be the only way forwards.

And he believes that his wide range of skills, from working in business to agricultural training to all the development work in the charity, will be really useful in getting to the root of the problems. He can work with a whole range of enterprises locally to ensure that business and commerce becomes more SUSTAINABLE.

He strongly believes that Members of Parliament have got to "up their game", and Liberal Democrats have to lead the way. And by "up their game" he means listen really deeply to the community, create networks of people around them that they support and empower them to take action to solve their problems themselves.


Then it was MY turn. I wanted to ask about what Mr Clogg calls "broken politics". With the Conservatories once again mired in an expenses scandal it would be all too easy to point and laugh. But that is a SHAME, especially since we all know people – from ALL Parties – who went into politics with nothing but the best intentions. So how would HE go out and make people feel better about politics?


On the SPECIFIC question of expenses, Mr Stephen noted that in all of our jobs if we want to make an expenses claim we put in the receipts and if we don't have receipts then we don't get the money. If we can do that in our jobs, why can't MPs do that in Parliament? Well, whatever the rules are, he'll lead by example and bring the discipline of thirty years of work to the office of MP.

But what was much MORE interesting was his whole approach to the JOB of being MP.

He wants to use the job to work with people within the constituency in order to develop what he calls "listening teams", who will work with him on a regular basis in his MP's surgeries. When they hear about the things people want to be tackled, he will work with them to explore those concerns in more detail, and look for leaders WITHIN the community who can work with us to tackle what needs to be done. If you build a network that goes far and wide and reaches much deeper into the community than one person ever could you can work with people to create initiatives that will tackle their concerns. But they won't be OUR clever ideas; they'll be the ideas of people with skills and talents and motivations and it will be the solutions they want themselves.

His is a very LIBERAL idea of trusting people and empowering them; not imposing a one-size-flattens-all solution from the centre.

People are already out there doing things but how do we join it up? Because when it's joined up we're in a position to be very accountable. Mr Stephen says that each week when he gets back from Westminster, on Friday morning he would meet with keys leaders from the community teams that have developed to tell them what he has been doing for the constituency for the last four days in Parliament; but in return, he would be asking them what THEY had achieved during the week on the agendas that they had set for themselves.

This combination of REFLECTION and ACTION helps to build solid teams; he knows this from his experience in business and voluntary sectors. Once a month, he suggests, he would want to do a social event specifically designed for the team to discuss their successes and failures. (And it's quite all right to make a mistake – he recalls the old proverb: "show me someone who's never made a mistake and I'll show you someone who's never made anything!")


Inspired by all this, Daddy Alex focused in on Mr Stephen's specific plans: if elected what's the first thing he would do… and if NOT elected what's the first thing he would do?

Mr Stephen thought this was a key point. One of the problems that politicians have, he said, is that although they have some solutions as expressed in our policies, they don't have an action strategy to put them to work. I hate to come back to the Conservatories but Mr Balloon is THE prime example of this, always carping on about what is wrong and never offering any solutions.

So, if he DOES win, Mr Stephen will first want to sit down with his team and with key people in the Party to get the guidance and support that he'll need to take him through the first days of a totally new job: being an MP.

He'll want to talk to the local Party too, to start to work on plans for not merely holding but DEVELOPING the seat.

And he'll want to set up a programme of meetings in the community, in order to start to meet people and field the questions that they are bound to have, and to trigger setting up of the networks of listeners as soon as possible.


If he DOESN'T win, then he felt it was important to start by giving feedback to the press about what we feel and how we intend to carry on from here. And then talk tactics and strategy with the local Party about the best way to go on to win the seat at the General Election. And, if he's lucky enough to be selected to carry on as PPC, then he'd want to work on the same listening groups, so that we can get a full picture of their concerns and find the key issues and really develop the Party as the way to deliver solutions, or rather to empower people to deliver THEIR OWN solutions.


Having been once around the table, we returned to Ms Linda who asked what Mr Stephen LIKES and DISLIKES about Lib Dem policies? She confessed that SHE had a particular interest in Trident but she wasn't trying to lead him in that particular direction (she said, while trying to lead him in that particular direction!).

Mr Stephen did not rise to the bait. What HE loves about our policies is the very strong thread of environmental protection running through all of what we do; that is KEY he said, as opposed to the short-termisms of the other Parties.

He is very proud that we are really fighting the surveillance society; he is extremely concerned that the Labour are building the paraphernalia of State Oppression. If "fluffy" people like the Millipede Brothers (hmmm, more OILY than FLUFFY, I would say!) are naïve enough to believe that they ARE doing this for nothing but the best reasons (and Mr Stephen doubts that) then if we get a right wing Government in place (or ANOTHER right wing Government) like the Conservatories who PRETEND not to be right wing but they are, we could lurch into a State that is most UNCOMFORTABLE for the British people!

He believes that British people treasure their freedom, and when it goes there WILL be a reaction.

Ms Linda interjected with a query about our policy on ROAD PRICING and isn't that CONTRADICTORY to our opposition to the surveillance society?

Mr Stephen thought that it was as simple as finding a way to pay ANONYMOUSLY for our use of the roads, and we have the technology to do that.

Daddy Richard insisted on helping Mr Stephen out here, by saying that it is quite simple to have black box in your CAR that picks up a signal with the price point as you drive down the road, rather than the other way around where the road detects AND TRACKS your car. That way it is the individual CAR that knows how much it has cost, and not some Government computer. Then when you go to get your tax disc, you can take along, say, a smart card from your car's road-meter and that tells the person at the till how many road-miles you have racked up WITHOUT telling her or him WHERE they were or where you WENT! It's not difficult to think up a system where the information is PERSONAL and ANONYMOUS… and SECURE from being lost on a train by the Government!

Mr Stephen agreed. We need to avoid shooting ourselves in the foot here, he said. People are crying out for some real LEADERSHIP, they want environmental solutions that make sense. And as Liberal Democrats we need to speak with one voice. We can't have some members of the Party starting to think that others are not opposed to the surveillance society, because all of us are. Anyone turning up at conference in FAVOUR of the surveillance society… well, they probably ought to be looking for another Party.

Lured back to talking about Trident, he said that his response to someone saying "we should immediately get rid of Trident" would be "We should immediately get a PLAN to phase Trident out over a proper time scale." That's not a "politician's answer", or being "woolly"; it IS about showing LEADERSHIP. There are, for example, parts of the country that are very dependent on the nuclear industry, and it would be wring to say let's just get rid of that and leave a big hole. Rather than just abandon them we need to develop a transition so that that same skill set that is turned to innovations in the atomics can be put to making Britain a centre of excellence in alternative energies.

He is against nuclear weapons, but he is also against destabilising the local communities or destabilising the world too. Pressed on whether he would REPLACE Trident, he restated the Party policy of a fifty percent cut, but added that the remaining fifty percent is going to be no good if it's all gone past it's best before date. It's about a REASONABLE timescale, and he has to admit that that is sadly going to be about twenty-five years. We have a goal; let's take our time to get there safely!


After that we needed a brief pause to pass refreshment to Ms Miranda, Mr Stephen's agent, who was so lovely in helping me set up the interview, and we briefly discussed the Feng Shui of doughnuts. No really. It was a twisty spirally one with a rustic look to match what we'd been saying about Henley.

Ms Miranda just wanted to add what an exceptional candidate Mr Stephen was, how unusual it was to find someone who understands so much about teams and who is so interested in making the teamwork work, with bonding events and socials.


This is Agent Miranda (She's ALSO Brill!)
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Anyway, then Ms Helen asked what got Mr Stephen involved in setting up the UK Youth Parliament?

Mr Stephen started by taking us back to the work he was doing with Regenerate, working on the street with young people, and they were funded by, among others, Children in Need and Comic Relief.

In investigating the wider community's problems, a lot of what they heard was that people wanted something doing for young people, because there wasn't anything for young people to do. And in keeping with the philosophy of helping a community to solve its own problems, those people who said that were generally the ones who went out to talk to and listen to young people.

They would ask what young people were concerned about, what they loved about their community, things that they were frustrated, worried, angry, sad about and their vision for the future.

And one of the key projects that started to emerge was the young people wanted to have more of a voice.

What Regenerate would do was teach them and train them to put their point of view across by sitting them in front of their member of Parliament asking them a whole range of questions, but not letting the MP off the hook! The MPs answers would be scored as they went along and if they hit a dud, they would have to try again!

(Apparently you should ask Mr Alex Carlile about this! He says it's one of the hardest interviews he's ever had to do, in his political life or his legal life!)

The young people would learn how to hold politicians to account, starting to do a power analysis of local areas, reading the papers, checking out what was going on and deciding on actions they were going to take with local councillors or the mayor or the Member of Parliament.

In doing this they started to run into other people who were doing the same, and gradually it drew together into forming the start of the Youth Parliament.

But it was important not just to appoint people. That way you end up with how the Youth Worker thinks is good, or who the Head Teacher thinks is good. What you need to do is get out there and meet people in order to find who would be able to build up the networks and REALLY become the representative.

It all links up with the things that he had already told us, the things about listening to people and about building networks and empowering people to find their own solutions.

Tying in to this, Helen asked what he thought the voting age should be. Obviously he answered sixteen. Any lower? asked Helen. There's a school of thought that suggests fourteen, she added. But Mr Stephen stuck with sixteen. It's a good age, he said, and it's also the age of consent, but what SHOULD be happening between the age of ten and sixteen is a really GOOD political education. The Labour's ideas of citizenship – the "games that they play" as Mr Stephen put it – falls really short of the mark. He gets very angry with people who say "sixteen is too young; how on Earth can young people make a decision like that?" His reaction is to say: "How on Earth have you ALLOWED a situation to arise where young people CAN'T make that sort of decision?!"

So, and this answer links back again to my question about "Broken Politics", let's get political education back into people's lives and get them EXCITED about politics when they get to voting age.


So, speaking of people who are EXCITED about politics, I asked what he thought of Senator Barry O in Americaland.

That, said, Mr Stephen, is a very good question. Because what is interesting about Mr Barack… apart from all the OTHER things that are interesting about Mr Barack… is that in the Nineties he was trained in political organising by the same people who trained Mr Stephen!

A lot of the things that Barry O has done relate to the things that Mr Stephen had already described to us that he does and wants to do.

This was FASCINATING. Of course, the media love to tell the story as though Barry O has come from nowhere and done this all on his own, but that is obviously NONSENSE. The FIRST thing you have to do after taking the training, is to go out and find ten people and train them, and then have them find ten more each…

Over a ten-year period, what the Illinois Senator has done is listened in communities, and built a team of good people to listen in communities, and build up a climate of goodwill and trust. And THAT is why people believe that change can come.

And Mr Stephen believes that change is coming in Britain too. He thinks that British politics is really STALE. But the fact that Barry O has used these techniques to build a successful and ACCOUNTABLE power base means that he thinks we can do the same in this country. In fact, he's sure we can.

He returned to Daddy Alex's question, what he would do if he didn't win. He said he'd go to bed and the next day carry on with this work.

He thinks it's terrific what Barry O with a massive team behind him has achieved, and he thinks that if we in the Liberal Democrats can put it to work here we can have a MASSIVE impact.

What is wonderful is that the Liberal Democrats INSTINCTIVELY understand this sort of work: it is Community Politics… the Next Generation! It is the "Rolls Royce" version, to use Mr Stephen's words.

People are already fed up with the Labour; they will get fed up with the Conservatories, who will behave just the same. And the Liberal Democrats will be in Government in the next ten to fifteen years. And Mr Stephen is absolutely determined to see that that happens and to be a part of it.

There are key people in the Liberal Democrats who obviously UNDERSTAND this work, and Mr Clogg is clearly one of them. So we all can, and we will, be Britain's Barack Obama.


Daddy Alex saw how this connects with the Federal Policy Committee discussing just the day before a totally-top-secret-that-he-wouldn't-even-tell-ME-about "narrative document". A lot of the discussion that we did not discuss was around whether we as Liberal Democrats use "negative" language – attacking Labour and the Tories – or more positive – like Barry O's "yes we can" message. And yet in a closely fought election like the one in Henley, all the candidates will be saying broadly similar things about the economy and schools and pies made with locally grown apples. Supposing, then, that we meet a punter on the doorstep saying "oh, you're all the same", in a sentence or two… how should we summarise our message?

Mr Stephen would say: "We are going to build trust, respect and relationships within communities. And we're going to take action WITH communities."

Which isn't just good but actually IS a sentence or two!

Mind you, he went on to add that they had been brainstorming strap lines for Focus leaflets the night before. Having to come up with a PUNCHY sentence to describe our team it was: "we are Principled, Practical, Purposeful Politicians who put People at the heart of our work." And that's not bad either.


Having met him and talked to him, even for just an hour, I really have to say what an absolutely CORKINGLY splendid chap our candidate is. Intelligent, thoughtful, charismatic and passionate, he is EXACTLY the sort of person who ought to be a Member of Parliament and if people voted based on CHARACTER rather than Party then he would walk it.

Apparently the Conservatories have picked a real PLANK as their candidate, someone who has managed to keep up the BoJo GAFFE tradition by campaigning against developing on the Green Belt whilst lobbying FOR it.

But frankly that should not matter, because Mr Stephen is just so much better anyway!

GO to Henley. This is NOT a foregone conclusion, no matter what the Westminster Village Idiots in the media might be telling you. Get some momentum behind him and GET MR STEPHEN ELECTED.

Britain needs him!

PS:
You can also meet exciting locals and help them with the campaign... e.g. here I am explaining how the computer printer works to Mr Dr Evan Harris!


Mr Dr Evan Harris (You guessed it: Brill!)
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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Day 2718: The Universe before ours

Tuesday:


It turns out that the entire operating system for the Universe is ripped off from Mr Lawrence "Mad Larry" Miles.

Which makes sense of a lot of things, actually.

Meanwhile, and closer to home, Daddy Alex thinks that the discovery of a trio of super-Earth X-Planets sounds like a cartoon for CBBC!

But he is very pleased that Britain's all-new army robots appear to be being named after Doctor Who monsters…

…though with Skynet now completed it cannot be long before these robots turn against us. Anticipate termination!

Day 2715: DOCTOR WHO: Forest of the Dead

Saturday:

I know a SECRET! Oh yes! Daddy Alex and I have been to a SPECIAL screening of NEXT WEEK'S Doctor Who! We even met the man who is now in charge of BBC Wales and so is Grand Moff Steven's new BOSS! I'm well in there! Doctor Eleven-phant, I am telling you!

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Anyway, what happens next week is… mumph!

[R: Spoilers]


If Steve Moffat's intention is to make us nostalgic for the future, he has succeeded magnificently.

While being in one sense entirely predictable, this proved we were surprisingly wrong about all the details.

There was a terribly good reason why this was set in a library. A library represents a dead forest, the trees cut down and pulped, the flesh – as it were – stripped from the white marble bones of the Vashta Nerada's forest world and consumed. So the "forest of the dead" isn't the 4,022 saved humans; it is the books.

And think about how that ties into the one important book as well: River's diary, simultaneously full of dead moments for her and dangerous spoilers for him. (Alex was momentarily concerned that the Doctor was just leaving the diary in the Library, before realising that no one was ever going there again.)

There was a good reason why Miss Evangelista was written as quite too stupid to be true. I'm sure that it was not Steve's intention to suggest that you could only have one or the other; merely that if you have both looks and brains (or neither) then swapping them over won't make an observable difference.

Because trading your good looks for good brains (or more usually vice versa) is a Fairy Tale equation, and this "simple" horror story has become one of the Grimms' fables; the world inside the Library computer is far more "far far away" than any kind of cyberpunk.

In fact, the computer world inside is most reminiscent of Steve Lyons' excellent New Adventure "Conundrum". That takes place in – spoilers – the Land of Fiction, not unlike a Library itself, where retired superheroes, local witches, hard-boiled detectives and non-copyright equivalents of Enid Blyton kids rattle around a "typical" English village. As with "Forest of the Dead" this toys with the reality of time in fiction, playing with the "Meanwhile…" just as "Forest…" juggles the television language of the jump-cut. And "Conundrum" finishes with a break of the fourth wall as well, the Doctor addressing anyone who is still watching his adventures, just as River looks the audience in the eye to wish them "goodnight, everyone".

That said, they are very different stories, with Donna's poignant "real life" being totally original, and leaving her doubly bereft having lost it and believing it was never real.

I think it's interesting that Mr Moffat thinks we are supposed to find Doctor Moon initially sinister but ultimately a benevolent figure. To me, he is anything but benevolent. He represents the ultimate "nanny state": continuously intervening to edit the lives of those in his care ostensibly in order to prevent them from feeling pain. The important detail is that he gives his patients no choice in the matter – the moment that Donna sees and recalls the Doctor, he takes the memory away from her.

Miss Evangelista stalks this datascape dressed all in black and veiled like a mourner at her own funeral – and an evangelist is a bearer of good news, ironically. In spite of her increased intellect, she remains an outcast and it is this which allows her to see the truth, like a black-robed prophetess. (Contrarily, she and all the astronauts will be dressed in "Randall and Hopkirck (Deceased)" white at the end, like the ghosts in either version of the series, but making the Library the Limbo of the Vic and Bob remake)

And there was a very good reason for the computer to be able to upload and "save" all of the people in the Library: that is precisely what it was designed to do in the first place, if not on quite such a scale.

Revealing the link between Steve Pemberton's character and the little girl, not merely the computer but Charlotte Abigail Lux the child daughter of his grandfather, overturns our understanding of his character too.

And of course Lux, light, saved all the people from the shadows.


Did Steven know by this point that he would be taking the reins? Because this has all the hallmarks of a man setting up his own story arcs in advance. (Or possibly a great big ego saying "wait till the next guy… oh, that's me!") He did speak of himself as having a stake in the future of Doctor Who, but was that only as a writer who has written for every series so far this millennium, or did he know?

River speaks of her future-version of the Doctor, facing down armies and opening the TARDIS doors with a click of his fingers… and yet by the end of this episode, the Doctor has faced down the armies of Vashta Nerada and does open the TARDIS doors with a click. In a way, she has made him; as much as he made her into the person that she was by the end, so she has set him on the path to being the man she will know.

David Tennant says that this is the first time that the Doctor has become seriously involved with someone from his own future. (**cough** Valeyard **cough**) But from how far into his future is she? As she recognises the Tenth Doctor, he must surely meet her again, though it's far from clear whether she knows him in more than one aspect. That remark: "judging from your face it's early days for you", from last week, could be taken in so many ways when regeneration is involved.

Will we see River Song again?

The logistics of making a television series says probably not. How can they have already laid down contracts for Alex Kingston – who let's face it lives in California – to spend time as a recurring character in the 2010? 2011? series?

And what writer is going want to write the "great love of the Doctor's life" story, and set himself against the Doctor/Rose relationship. Who's going to set himself up for that fall?

And yet, surprisingly, the aesthetic answer says surely we must. Even if it is just the reciprocal adventure where she meets him for the first time (and ends with an ellipsis as they travel off in their together and separately ways), we are surely left feeling that this is a promise that has been made to us, and to the Doctor.

And what of the sudden decision to rename this episode "Forest of the Dead"? Nothing to it, or did Steve decide he had a better use for the title: "River's Run"?

Another thought. After forty-five years (Granddaughter excepted) this year has seen the production team give the Doctor a daughter and a wife. It's possible that Moffat's hint that Jenny should survive "The Doctor's Daughter" was so as not to have both of them definitively dead at the end (yes, River is dead, for all her preservation in silicon after-life). Or it could be all with an eye to a series five future.


The question of what happened to the Matrix when Gallifrey was destroyed in the Time War is an obscure one but interesting to the long-time fan. If you want to try and tie together the Eighth Doctor stories with new and old series (and you'd be forgiven for very much not wanting to do that) then Lance Parkin's "The Gallifrey Chronicles" gives us one possible solution. Just before Gallifrey took the big one, the entirety of the Matrix was hidden way inside the Doctor's own head, giving him his final (of several for that Doctor) and crushingly persistent case of amnesia. That proved quite irritating for most of the range. It would certainly be a relief to him to find somewhere else to put all that. And who's to say it couldn't also prove the foundation stone for a new Time Lord academy one day, far from now.

The Matrix on Gallifrey was the repository of all knowledge, the final resting place for the minds of dead Time Lords. For the Doctor, it is the very idea of Heaven. And he re-creates it, all human knowledge and a place for dead minds, for River Song.

Next time… a great big SPACE CAR! And a Donna-lite episode (as Catherine Tate was filming "Turn Left" at the same time) as the Doctor takes a little journey across the planet "Midnight".


Saturday, June 07, 2008

Day 2713: Quis Custodiet Whoops-a-Daisy

Thursday:

The Conservatories are in trouble over MPs and MEPs expenses. Again.

It seems to me that the CULTURE of SECRECY is where the problem begins.

Without OPENNESS, not only do we not know how our money is being spent, the people who are spending it find themselves without any real LIMITS.

The Conservatories REAL problem, then, is that the people in charge are themselves dancing along a thin line of what is right and what is wrong. These are the people who OUGHT to be breaking down the walls of secrecy, but in fact are RESPONSIBLE for MAINTAINING them.

So, we see that the Conservatory leader in the European Parliament, Mr Giles Chipfester – son of famous yachtsperson Sir Francis Fish-and-Chipfester – has had to resign over his expenses.


IRONICALLY enough, Mr Chipfester is the person who drew up the Conservatory MEPs rules about expenses.

Apparently he didn't realise that funnelling four-hundred-and-forty-five-THOUSAND pounds into his family company was against the rules.

"No one bought it to my attention," he said.

(Can someone please quickly draw it to his attention that murder, assault, theft and fraud are likewise against the law!)

Seriously, that’s not a very good excuse when you are the man who is supposed to be bringing those rules to the attention of all the other MEPs.

More IRONICALLY… as it turns out, someone – like maybe the chap with responsibility for drawing up the rules, do you think – should probably have brought these rules to the attention Mr John Purvis, MEP for Scotland, who may have spent the last nine years doing the self-same thing. He even asked for clarification!

It’s even more IRONY-TASTIC then that the Conservatories’ CHIEF-WHIP Mr (I’m not making this one up) Den Dover, has this evening been abruptly replaced… which Mr Balloon assures is nothing to do with the three-quarters of a million pound QUESTION MARK hanging over his payments to his wife and daughter out of – you guessed it – his secretarial expenses.

And now a development that twists into such quite frankly UNBELIEVABLE new dimensions that you have to wonder if there’s some sort of IRONY-GAMI developing.

It turns out that the person to whom all of this has been referred is Conservatory Chairperson Ms Caroline “Magic” Spellperson, with responsibility for – you won’t believe this – cleaning up the Conservatory party. And now she has HERSELF been outed by the Newsnight show as having spent a couple of years spending YOUR money on her child care arrangement but passing it off as constituency secretarial work on her MPs expenses .

Do I detect a PATTERN forming?

It’s all too tempting to sit back and sing the Schadenfreude Song, watching Mr Balloon take a PIE to his big moon face over the totally untrustworthy twits his party is made up of. They’re the same old Conservatories and no amount of Balloon schmaltz can cover up their basic venality.

But Mr Jonny WISELY warns against that, so let’s be more SERIOUS for a moment.

It’s going to do NOTHING at ALL for the reputation of politics or of Europe to discover these scandals. People aren’t going to think “it’s the Conservatories”, they’re going to think “typical politicians”. It’s going to bring people down and spread apathy – the old friend of the status quo.

We need to counter that with OPTIMISM. We need to get people thinking that they CAN make a difference, can make a change.

We need to challenge Mr Balloon – yes, and Mr Frown – right now to a complete root and branch reform, putting all of MPs pay and expenses on an open and independently scrutinised basis. And go further – give Parliament proper powers to investigate MPs and, even more importantly, the government too.

We need to get ALL PARTIES to do this and do it QUICKLY. Yes, that might help the Conservatories – Mr Balloon is BOUND to claim ALL the credit – but it’ll help ALL OF US in the end – and particularly those of us who want to promote POSITIVE CHANGE.

Because “Who watches…” has got to be US, everyone in the country: WE hold Parliament to account, and Parliament has to hold its own members to account and THEN maybe we’ll have some MPs who EARN our trust back again.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Day 2712: Bye Bye BoJo

Wednesday:


BoJo the Clown has officially "taken the Chiltern Hundreds".

That's actually just Parliamentary SLANG, the Parliamentary language for saying: "I quit". The Law (by which I mean the Act of Settlement) says that you cannot be an MP and hold an "office of profit" (of which there are two) working for Mrs the Queen. I know that the ACTUAL office of Crown Steward and Bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds is held by Lord Blairimort at the moment, and BoJo has ACTUALLY taken the other one… the Telegraph Hundreds-of-Thousands.

(Okay, he's REALLY the Crown Steward of the Manor of Northstead, if you REALLY want to know, the office previously held by the entirely un-twisty-turny Mr Peter Mandlebrot.)


Before leaving, BoJo was CHASTISED by Mr Speaker of the Housemartin for turning a question to the Prime Monster into an ADVERTISING FEATURE for all of the SPLENDID things that his flunkies he has achieved since going on holiday to Turkey taking up his mayoral duties.

By terminating the deal for fuel with Venezuela he has increased travel costs for the poor; and by banning alcohol on the tube he has provoked a drunken riot at Liverpool Street. A Conservatory record of delivery that the Bullingdon Club would be proud of.


Incidentally, Prime Monster's Questions was also where Mr Balloon chose to try out his rather horrid new HAIR-DO.

The Grauniad suggests that his old left-to-right-to-left parting may have been a sign of FLIP-FLOPPING and he has now found his MIDDLE WAY, while the Metro this morning thought that Mr Balloon was trying to look more like Mr Clogg!

You will have to judge for yourselves:


Liberal Democrat – Hair Apparent
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Conservatory – Split down the Middle
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BoJo's much delayed decision to do as he promised means that there WILL be a by-election in Henley, Thame and South Oxfordshire after all.

TRAGICALLY, the Conservatories have decided NOT to establish a REVERSE-DYNASTY by ruling out BoJo's daddy, StoJo the Clown.

Instead they have picked Tubbs from the Local Shop Mr John Howler, already accused by the Greens as being more gaffe prone than BoJo over his over-egged claims to be the only local candidate for local people.

(Funnily enough, getting caught telling a FIB is one of the job interview ELEPHANT-TRAPS that the ALIEN SPACE LIZARDS on the Apprentice fell into on this week's penultimate show!)


Liberal Democrat Stephen Kearney has already been working hard in the constituency, and is being helped by many Lib Dems including Mr Clogg and – more importantly – this Sunday: ME!

I shall be interviewing Mr Stephen for my diary and then lending a fluffy foot with the deliveries.

Come along and help out too!

Day 2711: United States of Obamica

Tuesday:


So, at the end of an historic struggle in the Dumbocratic Primaries, Senator Barry O has finally secured enough delegates to win the nonimation to be President of Americaland, and Senator Hillary-Billary has concedeed that she will concede… conceivably.

This, as they say – especially if they happen to be Mr Sean in the trailer for the Avengers Movie – is merely the beginning.

Having beaten a lady, now Senator Barry has got to beat an old man*. Gosh, it is a good job he's not got to beat those smart kids from Mr John Barrowboy's quiz show too!


Everyone is saying what a BIG JOB Mr Barry has got to do now.

The Replutocrats are already calling for a string of Presidential Debates and Town Halls all over the country obviously with an eye to running him ragged.

Meanwhile, the Dumbocrats want him to reunite the Party, heal the wounds, redefine his message, open up the attack on the Replutocrats and presumably feed the five-thousand if he's not too busy.

And, if it's not too much trouble, name a VICE-PRESIDENTIAL running mate.

This is all a BIT harsh… give him a weekend off, why don't you!

Actually, picking the Vice-Presidential candidate is a USEFUL way to both heal the party AND send out new messages. So, who are the obvious choices?


#1: Senator Hillary-Billary herself.

A lot of people have focussed on the fact that as a New York Senator, Hillary-Billary doesn't bring a whole lot of STATES with her to the party. But this is slightly overlooking the way that she has campaigned this year, because what she brings is a CONSTITUENCY: in particular the white working class where the Replutocrats are going to campaign hard to paint Barry O as an "elitist". She also has a large and LOYAL following among women voters and, do not forget, nearly half of the Dumbocratic Party DID actually vote for her. Bringing her onboard will be the clearest sign that the Party is united against the Replutocrats. You've really GOT to keep her people on side, and offering her the non-job of the Veep might actually be the LEAST painful thing to promise her. After all, making her Secretary of State or Senate Majority Leader would be handing her real power, rather than the infamous BUCKET OF WARM SPIT.

On the other fluffy foot, she doesn't half come with some BAGGAGE. And the Baggage's name is Billary-Hillary.

#2: Mr John Edwards

The former Senator from South Carolina is other person very obviously GAGGING for the job. On the plus side, he's got a good record on the environment, was the first to run a Carbon-neutral Presidential Campaign, is strongly anti-poverty and pro-choice. And it's always good to have a Southerner on the ticket. To the bad, he is Jimmy Carter dialled up to 11 without the saintly disposition that being a one-term former president seems to have fostered. Besides, after all these months, does anyone even REMEMBER that he was a candidate back in January?


But why stop at the OBVIOUS candidates?

While the Replutocrats will be seeking to neutralise Barry's "Change we can Believe in" message, he – it is suggested – will need to counter the "experience" question. In 1999, Darth Cheney was tasked with picking someone to add intellectual fibre to the Monkey-in-Chief's candidacy. Frankly he could have picked Ms Jade Goody and she would still have contributed a greater awareness of international relations and diplomacy, but of course he infamously chose himself. Assuming Barry O's chief headhunter, merchant banker Mr James A Johnson, doesn't take THAT option, what are his choices?

Well, first there are the Foreign Policy Heavyweights:

#3: General Wesley Snipes [R: Clarke]

As a staunch Hillary-Billary supporter, he could help unite the party. But he's as boring as all heck. Also, in prison for tax evasion [R: er, no, that's the REAL Wesley Snipes].

#4: Senator Joseph Bidet from Delaware

Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, as about as much gravitas as you can get in American politics without actually being MOSES. Ever so SLIGHTLY to his detriment, his OWN campaign for the 2008 nonimation was holed below the waterline when he uttered a GAFFE… about Barry O.

#5: Mr Uncle Sam Nunn

The former senator and Armed Services Committee chairman from Georgia has more recently concentrated on working to try and reduce nuclear and chemical proliferation. Unfortunately he also ruled himself out of running as ANYONE'S vice.


But remember that Barry O's early SUCCESSES came when he was moving to the CENTRE, while Hillary-Billary was tacking to the base and attacking the incumbent Monkey-in-Chief.

The BI-PARTISAN candidates, then, would be:

#6: Mr Michael Bloomberg, billionaire Mayor of New York, who recently met our very own BoJo the Clown and said: "I'll have fries with that."

#7: Mr Charles "Chuck" Hagel, the Replutocratic Senator from Nebraska with strong anti-war stance. It would certainly stick one on nose for the Replutocrats to woo away a close friend of the Senator from Arizona.

But seriously, does anyone believe that this is going to happen?


Of course there's quite a lot of Washington INSIDERS and in particular SENATORS on that list so far. For some reason, Senators don't tend to do well in national elections, particularly when the REPLUTOCRATS are playing the ELITISM card (so every time).

You might be better off looking at the list of State Governors. Currently 28 out of 50 States have Dumbocrats in charge, (but that doesn't rule out FORMER Governors too).

The CONVENTIONAL WISDOM is that being a Governor, particularly a Governor from the South – like President Billary-Hillary was – can help to swing swing States. And not just their own, but across a whole region.

Key figures would include:

#8: Mr Ed Rendell, Governor of Pennsylvania
#9: Mr Ted Strickland, Governor of Ohio

These Clinton-gang supporting governors helped keep Hillary-Billary in the race when Barry O failed to win their States, and it is considered crucial that he take back in particular the so-called Rust Belt where she played to packed houses.

On the other fluffy foot, he might choose to reward…

#10: Mr Tim Kring [R: Kaine], Governor of Virginia and creator of TV superhero story Heroes [R: again, er, no].

He was one of Mr Barry's earliest backers and could help capitalize on that state's Dumbocratic swing

Finally, coming back to the idea of CONSTITUENCIES being more important than GEOGRAPHY in this election, some people are angling to re-connect to the Hillary-Billary supporters by having a WOMAN on the ticket, and the top tip there is:

#11: Ms Kathleen Sebelius, Governor of Kansas

Thought to be a RISING STAR (oops, that's jinxed her!) with a good record of successfully negotiating a tricky, often-Repultocratic state but has yet to make a national impact. Think of her as Barry O four years ago.

The OTHER crucial element of the Clinton-Coalition was the Hispanic vote, who are often said to be more loyal and more likely to turn out than other sections of the community. So rounding out our dozen we have:

#12: Governor Bill Richardson, New Mexico

Was a low key candidate himself but dropped out early before the long, long walk to the National Convention in Denver. May be a bit of a DARK HORSE candidate… or may just have no support.


Of course, the chances are that Barry O will pick NONE of these, and will surprise everyone with an outsider. Which the media will then greet as his first campaign blunder (since the last one).

And then he’s only got to be the Replutocrat nonimee. Whoever THAT is!



*Senator Oven-Chip… anyone remember him? Apparently he's been the Replutocratic nonimee for some months now and has celebrated this by, er, having a light nap.

Mr God bless Amnesia

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Day 2710: The Terrorising of Mr Frown

Monday:


Politics is all about TIMING isn't it.

So, on one side of the Atlantic, the Monkey-in-Chief is soon to step down and is desperate to secure some kind of legacy (clue: it is BIGGEST LOSER EVER!)… hence the SURPRISE announcement that al Qaeda has lost the War On Terra.

Meanwhile, on THIS side of the Pond, Mr Frown is desperate NOT to be stepping down soon and so is announcing that terrorism is more terrifying than ever!

He wants to prove he's more of a MAN than Lord Blairimort; but he's really only showing what a COWARDY-CUSTARD he is.


Now I'm NOT talking about PHYSICAL bravery, facing death-defying danger and derring do… although I COULD…

Mr Frown lives in an armoured bunker with iron security gates and only leaves in a bullet-proof car surrounded by armed guards. (The lengths some people will go to to avoid the Parliamentary Labour Party!) It is just possible that this has exaggerated his already feeble connection to the state of the real world.
"I am under no illusion that today's threats are different in their scale and nature from anything we have faced before," writes Mr Frown.
So why is he trying to sell US the illusion that terrorism is worse than ever?

Funnily enough, in the olden days of the IRA, then Mr Frown would GENUINELY have been in occasional danger of being exploded. That is why he is so surrounded by layers of security.

But – as he is so keen to try and make us all believe – today's modern terrorist is looking to do damage to basically anyone at random, ideally in headline-grabbingly large numbers.

(Though their success rate since July 2005 seems to have been a bit RUBBISH, unless you count setting THEMSELVES on fire and/or persuading vulnerable psychiatric patients to have a go at blowing their own faces off – although I would just add that blowing up Giraffes is VERY BAD!)

So if that's the threat then unless he's willing to give everyone in the country their own armoured car and bodyguards (and his track record of paying for armoured cars for our soldiers on the front line kind of suggests that he ISN'T) then he's basically asking all of US to face a danger that he thinks is really, really scary.

Though, you know, I really think that the people of Great Britain – more or less, some more, some less – actually ARE willing to face up to these terrorists, to stick up for living our lives the way we want to and NOT to let ourselves be bullied by some tiny faction of demented psychopaths just because they have a perverted idea of what believing in a religion allows them to get away with.

But actually I'm NOT going to go down that road.

I am talking about POLITICAL bravery.

Yes, I know that we've already pretty much ESTABLISHED that THAT is in short supply in Mr Frown's Labour.

I mean it's obviously too much to hope that the backbenchers might hold their nerve in the face of a DETERMINED TALKING TO by Minister for Reclassifying Class-C Kebabs, Ms Jacqui Spliff.

And who can expect them to remain untroubled by the need to change their underpants after an encounter with the Sinister Minister Mr Jack Man'O Straw, Secretary of State for Justifying the Unjustifiable.

And, by the way, as justifications go "terrorism is getting ever so much more complicated these days… if the police were to find themselves facing three attacks of the scale of September 11th while there was a major European War going on, then they might find themselves overstretched!" isn't even up there with "IT'S TOO HARD!"

It's more: "IT MIGHT ONE DAY BE TOO HARD!"

Here's a suggestion – if you think it's too difficult, go and do something more your level. There are probably a few openings for Lollipop Ladies. You'd probably like the lollipop with optional SPY CAMERA.

(And while I'm on the subject, Ms Spliff keeps citing the evidence of a senior policeperson who said "it is unquestionable that this may happen"… funnily enough, though, she keeps dropping that vital qualification "MAY". In fact in a QUANTUM MECHANICAL universe it is "unquestionable" that almost ANYTHING "MAY" happen – cows MAY fall from the sky; your underpants MAY jump three feet to the left; Ms Spliff MAY say something honest… doesn't mean it will happen. Leaving out the MAY, turning that "unquestionably" into a CERTAINTY rather than just a POSSIBILITY is not just deliberately and repeatedly misrepresenting the police but also deceiving the public.)

The Government's OTHER justification is the even more feeble: "you can trust us; we won't abuse these powers."

Well, (a) obviously no one in their right mind WOULD trust them, what with the whole proven record of deceit thing (do I HAVE to mention that Middle Eastern War again? Or the broken manifesto promises? Or Cash for Coronets?) and (b) you said that LAST TIME about the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act and then promptly went and proved we couldn't trust you ALL OVER AGAIN by giving every jumped up little Town Hall clerk the power to spy on kids and families and quite probably lollipop ladies too.



But REAL political bravery, the bravery to do something DIFFERENT, is what is called for if Mr Frown is to save either his reputation or at least SOME of the Labour's seats at the next election.

Locking people up without telling them why does not make you BUTCH, it makes you pathetic. It's not like they won't GUESS that it's a terrorism offence after the first fourteen days. (Assuming you're not depriving them of sleep or messing with their heads by keeping the lights on and changing the clock at random.)

Other countries can manage. Somehow France and Germany and Spain – and it's not like Spain don't have any problems with terrorists – and Italy and Norway can all cope with the simple business of telling people what they're locked up for inside of THREE DAYS. Surely it's just common decency. Surely common decency is what we're supposed to be DEFENDING!

Trying to get detention without charge – or to give it its proper name: LOCKING PEOPLE UP ON NO EVIDENCE – trying to extend it to 42 days because Lord Blairimort LOST the vote to get it extended to 90 does not make you any better than he was. It just makes you THE SAME but MORE SO.

And being THE SAME but MORE SO is what got you into this situation in the first place, Mr Frown.



Today's UNBELIEVABLE coincidences…

#1: oooOOOooo scary terrorist in court!

#2: and in case the Government have upset the Muslim community by telling everyone they're all terrorists, how about twelve-and-a-half-million pounds?

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Day 2709: Lord Blairimort Keeps the Faith

Sunday:


After the quiet 'Temple Of Light' in the Big Tent, Lord Blairmort has opened his very own FAITH ZONE in New York, pledging to devote his life to crushing the unbelievers doing, y'know, good.
"Look, I mean…" said Lord Blairimort, "you've got to… y'know… look at the example of all those religions… Jesus, Muhammad, those guys the Hindus believe in… and say to yourself… gee, I could be like that… y'know… worshipped by millions…"
During his time as Prime Monster, Lord Blairimort kept quiet about his beliefs, but he has recently admitted converting to the Church of Thatchianity.


In totally unrelated news, astronomers have discovered a heavenly body with unprecedented spin.

Day 2708: DOCTOR WHO: Silence in the Library

Saturday:


Sadly I did NOT watch Doctor Who this week, as I have been busy in my OWN library!


Yeah Yeah, Doctor Whatever
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Daddy Richard seems to think it was quite good. Although for some reason he hasn't turned the lights off since Saturday…


I haven't read "The Time Traveller's Wife", but I understand that I may now have a fair grasp of the plot, though I imagine it involves fewer walking skeletons.

But let's be honest, all the Timey-Wimey-ness is just a bit of dressing: 'Silence in the Library' is a horror story, pure and simple. It's there to frighten the children, and writer Steven Moffat is very good at this. He has the knack of spotting the childhood trauma and translating it into Doctor Who monster. Being the child left out becomes 'The Empty Child'; the monster under the bed becomes a literal monster under the bed; grandmother's footsteps is re-imagined as a game where you dare not blink; and so this year fear of the dark becomes a completely sensible approach to the shadow killers, the Vashta Nerada.

(Alex cannot help but think of "Sredni Vashtar" the eponymous polecat in the tale by Saki, read by Tom Baker as one of the "Late Night Stories" found in the extra features of "The Armageddon Factor" in the "Key to Time" box set.)

They work terrifically well as a bogey-man, though how they actually work seems a little confused and varies from moment to moment: you need to stay out of the shadows, but apparently they can be seen when they're caught in sunlight as dust motes (so, what, does the light just render them inactive?); they can exist in any shadow, but they also seen to be able to be a shadow; and if they're a shadow without anything to cast it, doesn't that make them a dark patch on the floor rather than motes in the air? Surely, if they're dense enough to cast a shadow themselves then they ought to be visible? Essentially, the idea of moving shadows is the creepy one, and the explanation – tiny things in the air – doesn't properly fit. I suspect that the 'explanation' comes from the dust in sunbeams analogy – because when you see those motes catching the light you think that it's weird; it's as though they only exist in the sunlight and not continuously through the atmosphere. So by referencing something that doesn't seem credible but that does exist in nature, that weirdness is extended to the Vashta Nerada making them seem credible too.

Of course, the fact that 'don't tread on the shadows' translates easily into a playground game won't hurt either.

As with all typical 'Horrors', you have to have a cast of diverse, easily recognisable characters – some likeable, some not – who will probably get polished off one by one. Here we have the 'League of Gentlemen's Steve Pemberton, a little unsure of his accent, as a cross between Klieg and Kaftan from "The Tomb of the Cybermen" i.e. he's the sinister balding slightly Germanic one and he's funding the expedition; Tallulah Riley, almost entirely wasted as the insultingly dim Miss Evangelista, except for her poignant and horrible departure; two blokes who are cleverly made into characters by having the same name, hence distinguished into "other Dave" and "proper Dave"; a woman whose only characteristic so far is to be the other woman so I wouldn't rate her chances highly, though apparently her name is Anita; and Alex Kingston as Professor Benny Summerfield… er, Professor River Song, the lady with the mysterious (but easily guessable) relationship with the Doctor.

Actually, I say easily guessable, but the Doctor Who forums are overflowing with every more bonkers speculation about her identity – ranging from the absurd (Rose, Martha, Donna, his biographer!) to the barkingly insane (the Master) and I assume it's only a matter of time before we reach Adam or Davros – as though it's even remotely likely that she'll be revealed as someone from the Doctor's past.

Of course, in the classic stalker horror it is the couple getting together – implicitly the loss of protecting innocence – that triggers the rising of whatever the unspeakable menace might be. Here, as soon as River Song walks though that door and starts treating the Doctor… flirtatiously, that's when the deaths start. As always, the message is never ever even think about dating.


The great irony here appears to be that the most important book in the Library isn't on the shelves, but is the one that is brought in by River Song, her diary detailing her past with the Doctor and his future with her.

Speculating now, but it seems to me that Steven prefers to clean up the loose ends of his own stories rather than set up long-term arcs – though that may change – so I wouldn't be surprised if River doesn't make it out of the Library either, and we see a closing montage of the Doctor taking her diary and using it to visit each of the places it says that he must in order for him to have met her. The sadness in his eyes knowing that he's already met her at the end is what is missing when she looks at him in the Library and says "you're so young". Or I could be way off-beam.

It does seem very odd that the setting is so specific.

We're in the Fifty-First Century again, as we were with Captain Jack and again with the SS Madame de Pompadour. But unlike Russell Davies' "Year Five Billion" stories, or even the Forty-Second Century set stories – "The Satan Pit", "42" and "Planet of the Ood", plus "The Infinite Quest" if you're counting – there isn't a sense of consistent world-building here.

There's a feel for overall story that you can pick up from Russell's chosen future histories: five billion, while it's a time of diversity run rampant and near total technological supremacy, is very much about a nostalgia for home and in particular Earth; while, with its pirates and slavers and freebooters, the Forty-Second Century is a grungy, industrial, neo-Thatcherite future built on greed and exploitation.

That may not be realistic (just think how diverse our cultural stories are just today) but it is aesthetically pleasing.

There isn't that same sense that by choosing this particular time zone, Steven is asking us to prepare for a story in a certain style or theme. Perhaps that's fair enough for an era that's also supposed to have spawned both Magnus Greel, with Oriental effects all over, and the chunky robot technology that gives us K-9.

Admittedly, you could at a stretch believe that the nodes come from the same culture that develops clockwork maintenance robots – one where artistry and functionality are blended in a slightly, to our humble Twenty-first Century eyes, cockeyed or even gruesome way. But how does the wood-panelled Coruscant that is the Library fit in with the key-shaped spaceship? And if Captain Jack is a typical Fifty-First Century kind of a guy, then shouldn't we expect to see rather more "dancing" from our party of archaeologists?

More importantly, there isn't a sense of why we keep coming to this time zone – if it's not to cue up those aesthetics to prime us for a "theme" then why not the five-hundred-and-fifty-first century; if nothing else it would make for a spot of variety.


And, contrary to what the Doctor Who Confidential team seem to think, libraries are comforting places: great wombs of knowledge that offer safe harbour not fear. And that ought to go doubly so in the Doctor Who universe. In "Tooth and Claw", the Doctor was delighted to be trapped in a Library; the greatest arsenal they could have, he called it.

Having said that, a place of safety violated can be more terrifying than any Gothic castle or haunted ruin. It would have been nice to have played with that, though.

My guess is that the real significance of the setting lies in its connection to the mysterious little girl. In a rather classy pre-title sequence, we follow her inside what we think is her dreamworld and share her apprehension as something tries to break in… of course it has to be the Doctor and Donna. It turns out that they don't see her, although she sees them; instead they see a wooden security camera drone, very nicely in keeping with the setting. Later, however, when the girl finds that she has the Doctor on her television (hoho) it appears that the Doctor and the archaeologists can see her as a little girl, even though, slightly frustratingly, we the audience never see the screen from their side. This seems a slightly curious mixed approach.

As with River's identity, it seems fairly obvious that the girl is the Library's index computer, aka Cal (named after her older brother Hal, perhaps?). Like the nutty computer of 2001, the girl has her own computer shrink, in the form of Doctor Moon, played with gravelly smoothness by Colin Salmon (who really should have been James Bond rather than just in them, but is equally cool as Avon in the remade Blake's Seven on audio).

Furthermore, Alex notices that the "ghosting" that gives such a frisson of horror to the post mortem thoughts of Miss Evangelista, and lends the stomping skeleton its "who turned out the lights" catchphrase, is also very likely foreshadowing of properly uploaded consciousness, those "no survivors" who have been "saved".

The Library is therefore a disguise for a whopping great big computer system, big enough to store people.

(This may even make Astrid Peth's fate in "Voyage of the Damned" into foreshadowing, if the Doctor can save Donna by retrieving her body from the teleport emergency buffer and recover her consciousness from the computer – perhaps we can expect to see Donna meeting with the girl in part two.)

So, this is the start of the Grand Moff Takeover (thank you Jenny): on the whole a simple story but ever so well told. Unlike "The Sontaran Stratagem", it starts off with one mystery – what's happened to everyone in the Library – and answers it – they've been eaten by Vashta Nerada. But also leaves us with bigger questions as well as one hell of a "now, get out of that!"


Next time… My guesses: either there'll be some intervention from the girl or the Vashta Nerada will be temporarily satiated enough with one of them to let the others escape… the "Forest of the Dead"


Sunday, June 01, 2008

Day 2707: Elephants in Zimbabwe

Friday:


File this story under "people are bad news".

As if Mr President Mugabe hadn't done enough to scuttle his nation's economy by handing all the farms over to so-called 'war veterans' (or 'armed thugs who've done some intimidation work for him'), he's also torpedoed the once billion-dollar tourism industry. Who wants to go sight-seeing where the next sight you might see is another village being massacred for voting for the MDC.

And, to add INSULT to INJURY, apparently he is now FUNDING his regime by allowing shady tourists – apparently mainly from America or Spain – to go ELEPHANT-MURDERING in the once prestigious national parks!

Where once the Park Rangers could proudly defend the herds of elephants, the crashes of rhinos and even the prides of cat-monsters, now they are so badly off that they are reduced to EATING some of their animal friends.

Meanwhile Mr President Mugabe's hit squads are so completely bonkers that they are reduced to torturing the opposition's LIVESTOCK before they murder them.

Some people just don't deserve all the beautiful things that the world provides for them.

Day 2706: Fishy Oil Strike

Thursday:


This week, British Lorry drivers complained about the price of fuel by… wasting a lot of fuel in a traffic-jam.

More fule them.

In contrast, French fishermen have been protesting at the high price of marine diesel by NOT going to sea, and now the Spanish, along with the Portuguese, the Italians and the two remaining Belgian fishing boats, have all joined the action. Or IN-action.

This to me seems like a sensible and practical solution to a lot of difficulties, and perhaps I could recommend that the strike action be extended for another, say, five to ten YEARS.

This would save an awful lot of money being spent on boat fuel, avoid a whole load of unnecessary carbon foot-printing and give the Atlantic fish stocks a reasonable chance to recover from five decades of over-fishing them to the point of extinction. (Apparently this happened during World War Part II!)

I'm not 100% sure that this is what the French and Spanish fishermen have in mind, though.

Day 2705: Mr Frown Risks a Meltdown

Wednesday:


Just when you thought Mr Frown couldn't make his brand any more TOXIC, he decides that a heavy dose of atomic radiation is just what the situation calls for.

Once again he reaches out his great clunking fist towards the right answer – reducing our dependence on imported energy supplies by diversifying our generating capacity – only to BRUSH IT ASIDE and pick the STUPID option instead!

Earlier this week, Channel Furore showed the (rather sad) "Life After People" show where, after only a few thousand years, all trace of humans would DISAPPEAR! Except they FORGOT about RADIOACTIVE WASTE: the steaming great RADIOACTIVE sores we are going to be leaving on the face of the Earth for up to MILLIONS of years to come!

(Incidentally, we thought that the "Life After People" people cheated just SLIGHTLY when they said "we're not going to say HOW people went, just start from the moment that you're all gone". Because essentially, they had chosen the – quite UNLIKELY – "the whole population is teleported off-world by aliens" option. Any OTHER way of disappearing the human race – war, plague, natural disaster – would leave a LOT of evidence and certainly NOT just left the atomic reactors to quietly turn themselves off because they're all BOUND to fail safely just like Chernobyl didn't… er…)


Brilliantly timed as ever, our Prime Monster managed to reveal his whim (it can hardly be called a "decision" made as it was apparently without consultation) to build even more potential terrorist targets, just a day after the agency responsible for cleaning up after the LAST lot of reactors (Kim & Aggie) announced that seventy BILLION pounds wasn't enough to do the job and could they have ANOTHER seventy billion, please!

So much for the "limitless cheap energy" that they've been promising since the 1950s! This 'private sector' industry guzzles more PUBLIC subsidy than any other form of energy generation. Talk about throwing GOOD MONEY after BAD: isn't it about time we switched off the GIANT MONEY TAP and looked for something else?

Proponents of ever more atomic energy like to say it's only because of SUPERSTITION or PARANOIA that people are against increasing our reliance on a dangerous mineral element that has to be shipped here from all around the world because we don't HAVE any uranium of our own.

(Yes, between them Canada and Australia have most of the world's Uranium mines – though slightly disturbingly billions of tonnes of the stuff appear to be dissolved in the OCEANS, the Japanese have discovered – but even if it IS mined in nice safe stable countries… and let's face it, it is ALSO being dug up in LESS STABLE places such as South Africa, Russia, Uzbekistan and Americaland… even so it STILL has to be put on a boat and sailed here, subject to storms and pirates and crashing into the coast!)

Because the thing is, if you know a bit about the SCIENCE you will realise… THIS idea is EVERY BIT as dangerous and stupid as the superstitious paranoiacs think it is!

Even if it wasn't a HIDEOUSLY expensive waste of money that could more usefully be infested in a range of genuinely renewable energy sources and an industry with a PROVEN track record of failure to deliver on all its promises from cost to clean-up to containment, you just cannot get away from the fact that nuclear fission produces waste material that is both LETHAL and INDESTRUCTIBLE and the only solution that our scientists have managed to come up with is to bury it in the ground forever and hope it goes away.

Which of course it WILL, because it is radioactively decaying, but not for a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very long time!

Mr Frown's EXCUSE for this nuclear option is the OIL SHOCK, and he has written to everyone to explain all about it.

And if THAT wasn't bad enough – because even in these ENLIGHTENED times, not EVERYONE reads the Grauniad's Comment is Free – apparently Mr Frown has taken to COLD CALLING the rest of the population.

(The Scum "wittily" suggests getting rid of him by reading him some of Lady Cherie-on-the-top's auto-hagiography. Yet somehow I feel that if I got the Prime Monster of the country on the telephone I MIGHT just think of something more CONSTRUCTIVE to suggest to him.)

He says:

"…we need to accelerate the development and deployment of alternative sources of energy, reducing global dependence on oil. Britain will increase its investment in renewables, including decentralised generation. We will build one of the world's first commercial-scale carbon capture and storage coal plants and we have committed to a nuclear building programme to ensure that the UK's emissions and dependence on fossil fuels do not rise as existing nuclear stations close."
Though, oddly enough, Mr Frown seems to OVERLOOK mentioning that he wants to INCREASE not just maintain our supply from nuclear power.

(He also appears to be suggesting that "carbon-capture" is somehow going to make burning fossil fuels into an "alternative" energy source. If his letter was about reducing carbon EMISSIONS then "carbon-capture" might be worth mentioning, but since he's talking about reducing carbon CONSUMPTION then it doesn't make any sense at all.)



Meanwhile, Mr Simon Jenkins becomes merely the latest commentator (and by commentator, I mean generally the people who think of themselves as the "great and the good" and who other people think of as "those people who get paid by the Grauniad or the Windy-pendent or the BBC to spout total rubbish")… Mr Jenkins becomes merely the latest to say: "since he's going to lose anyway, Mr Frown can do all the things he really wants to" meaning Mr Frown can do all of the thing MR JENKINS really wants him to.

WAKE UP!

If Mr Frown wanted to do those things he would have DONE THEM ALREADY. When will you get it into your heads that atomic power stations, Public Private Partnerships, tax loopholes for the super-rich, I.D.iot cards, detention without trial, testing, targets and invading Middle Eastern Countries are ALL things that Mr Frown wanted JUST AS MUCH as Lord Blairimort did. He wasn't some innocent bystander, trapped in the Treasury with no power except TOTAL CONTROL OF THE ECONOMY, unable to prevent Lord Blairimort's mad power-rush, but biding his time until he could set things right. He was COMPLICIT. He was GUILTY! He was IN ON IT up to his perma-creased FROWN!

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Day 2704: Does Mr Balloon think we're IDIOTS?

Tuesday:


Because, people of Britain, we're surely going out of our way to convince him he's right if he does!

Electing BoJo the Clown as Mayor of London; giving the Conservatories record leads in the opinion polls… these are the sorts of things that make him think he can do no wrong.

And THAT is why we end up with announcements of pre-Stone Age Thatcherite policy: "Boot camps" (presumably followed by "Chain Gangs" and then logically on to "Slavery") being a right old kick up the Eighties.

"Compassionate Conservatism" here clearly means let us "compassionately" blame the least well off.

Meanwhile I'm indebted to Mr James for pointing out that one of our Mayor's FIRST decisions in office is another Conservatory side-swipe at the least well off: raising the cost of travel costs for the poor of London… and merely for IDEOLOGICAL reasons too. Although, to be completely accurate, Mr "I'm going to work flat out for London" BoJo's decision was to jet off on holiday and have a flunky do it for him.

So much for their "crocodile tears", as Mr Clogg calls them, over the badly-off being done over by Mr Frown's doubling of the 10p tax.

Making a speech in which he RIGHTLY said that the people of Britain are CRYING OUT for a change, for something better than this tired, old, exhausted, rubbish Labour administration, he ALSO pointed out that the Conservatories have NOTHING to offer either.

"The Balloon-eroons have started to believe their own hype: insisting on their right to enter Number 10 without working out what they'd do once the door closed behind them."

Of course, the media are IN on this CONSPIRACY, keeping the heat on Mr Frown (fair enough) but also giving Mr Balloon an easy ride. (I'm sorry, WHAT are you journalists FOR?)

For example, this week's Questionable Time saw Mr "Buff" Hoon, the Government's Chief Twit, trying to put the "what are your policies" question to Mr Eric "In a" Pickles, Conservatory spokesperson for SMUG. It was obvious from the look on his face that Mr Pickles was so arrogant that he'd come on the show without even thinking of an answer. Fortunately for him, though, he was spared when the question was deflected by Mr Dimbledonkey in one of the most partisan pieces of chairing the show has seen in a long time.


The Labour's so-called "campaign" in Crewe and Nantwich consisted of rubbishing the Conservatory JUST because he was well off. Old-fashioned class envy at its worst, and COMPLETELY missing the point. The REAL problem with Mr Balloon surrounding himself with old cronies from his Bullingdon Drinking-and-Smashing-Up-Restaurants Club Days, the problem with him choosing to stuff his Shadow Cabinet with Old Etonion Chums is NOT because it's a sign of undeserved privilege – although it IS – but because it is the clearest indication that Mr Balloon LOOKS DOWN ON the rest of us.

It is clear that he thinks that the rich deserve SPECIAL TREATMENT and the poor deserve PUNISHING.

More than that, it's clear that he thinks we shouldn't be worrying our pretty little heads about anything so difficult as policies.

That is why Mr "In A" Pickles was so TAKEN ABACK that he might have to have some answers (because there's no way that Mr Balloon is going to have told an OIK like HIM what the polices are!).

That is why Mr Balloon hasn't BOTHERED to GET any proper, real NEW policies.

And that is why we get stupid announcements of "Boot Camps" like left over pizza that Mr Balloon has found on the floor and picked the bits of FLUFF off.

Day 2703: The Phoenix Has Landed

Monday:


Daddy let me stay up REALLY late to watch the NASA spaceship landing on Mars. Okay, it's not QUITE the Moon Landing, but I was excited!

Landing on Mars is quite TRICKY. Unlike the Moon, Mars is quite BIG so the gravity is quite STRONG. But unlike Earth, Mars has a thin atmosphere so it's not much use for slowing you down with PARACHUTES.

In recent years, NASA lost the Mars Polar Explorer and the European Space Agency lost their Beagle 2. So you'll understand why the scientists at mission control were so RELIVED that Phoenix hadn't gone BLATT!

The really HAIRY part is that for the seven minutes of the descent you have to rely entirely on the robot brain flying the spaceship. Mars is too far away to work it by remote control – by the time your signal saying "left a bit" got back there, you'd have already ploughed into the ground!

Fortunately it all worked out FINE. Phoenix didn't quite hit the target landing site – a parachute opened slightly late – but it found a good solid place to set down and was able to open up its solar panels and start taking photos. Just like any other tourist!

The BBC has some of the pictures.


Phoenix was sent to the north pole of Mars because that is where our orbital scans have show there to be WATER only a little way under the surface. So if there IS a chance of finding life on Mars then that is the best place to look.


Even BETTER news: our latest Martian landing has not resulted in a flash of green fire and a cylinder being launched back at us.

Ulla!

Day 2702: DOCTOR WHO: Brave New Town

Sunday:

Daddy Richard says that his review of the next adventure for Mr Dr Paul as Dr Who (with his friend Lucie) from the Big Fish Productions people contains SPOILERS from the very first word… okay, SECOND word… so I've got to keep you occupied for a hundred words of my own so that it doesn't appear on the Blogregator and that you have got time to stop reading my diary, go out to the shops, buy the CD for yourself, listen to it and THEN see what Daddy thought of it.

Okay, that's enough time – here's Daddy's review:

"Post-communist Autons", that's the best way to summarise this great little story, even if in the accompanying "making of" documentary writer Jonathan Clements says that it all springs from the phrase "Autonomic Autons".

(Jonathan also wrote last year's excellent "Immortal Beloved" with Ian McNeice as Zeus, and one of the best of the "Doctor Who Unbound" series, "Sympathy for the Devil" with David Warner as Doctor Klench er Hwo.)

In many ways there's not a lot to this, especially if you know the twist… ah, sorry! And yet almost in spite of itself it is immensely satisfying, a product of excellent dialogue and cast and a plot that, while superficially simple, also resonates.

Initially, it all starts like a rather superior re-make of Terry Nation's "The Android Invasion" with most of the more stupid mistakes and plot-holes (including the great big giveaway in the title) removed. An English village where, for the villagers, every day is the same day, Sunday 1st September 1991. There are no roads leading to anywhere else, and the ferry never comes because there's no sea only miles of sand. Throw in mention of spies and it sounds like the Doctor and Lucy have discovered a post-apocalyptic Portmerion.

However, the classic sound effects – the 'hand dropping away to reveal the wrist-gun' sound; the whooshing Auton-gun sound; and the 'buzz buzz' of the Nestene control sphere (which Alex particularly associates with the classic/tragic "Destiny of the Doctors" computer game) – were all used in the trailer on the previous CD, so it's not really a surprise when the mystery of the villagers who don't appear to eat or even appear on infra-red is revealed to be that they're all made of plastic.

The setting turns out to be 2008 and the Aral Sea, or at least what used to be the Aral Sea – it's a completely real phenomenon that taking too much water for irrigation, most of it wasted, has resulted in the Sea drying up – and an island that isn't an island any more on the southern coast off Uzbekistan. (Apparently Aral Sea means 'sea of islands' ironically enough.)

The village (hard not to call it The Village) is a former communist-era school for spies, training them to appear English by having the agents in training mingle with synthetic Britishers, apparently devised by Soviet scientists messing with a captured Nestene energy unit. What they seem to have done is by taking a little bit of Nestene Consciousness and putting it into each of them separately, they've turned the Autons into individuals.

So, just as Uzbekistan gained its independence from the Soviet Union on 1st September 1991, the Autonomic Autons gained theirs from the Nestenes.

The main thrust of the story, then, concentrates on the consequences of both of these, with the exploitation of the Uzbek oil-fields conflicting with the agenda of the Nestene Consciousness which – as in 'Rose' – wants the oil for itself. It's about being freed from central control – which is a very Doctor Who theme – and yet cleverly even though it finishes with a happy ending, you are left wondering what the Autons will do with their freedom, and the example of Uzbekistan – obliterating the Aral Sea, exploiting the oil – should give you pause that while it's right to give them their freedom, that includes the freedom to do wrong.

Rather splendidly, the lead Auton-villager is played by Play School hero Derek Griffiths, playing it totally straight. There's something spookily right about learning that he was made of plastic all along. For real class, though, they've also managed to attract Adrian Dunbar to play the morally ambiguous Captain McCarthy. It seems a very simple role, but it takes a skilled actor to deliver the lines in a way that leaves you never quite sure whether he's potentially an ally like a future Brigadier or a dangerous threat.

The good news is that because the story is so very open-ended, it leaves either the Autonomic Autons or McCarthy or both available for a return match should the story for them turn up.

Cod-Russian accents make a cunning excuse for the rest of the cast to double up, playing faux-English residents of the village and the mercenary guards of the oil fields. But that's not to say that they're in any way bad; quite the opposite. Katerina Olson, Big Finishes mistress of a thousand accents, is charmingly dotty as villager Margaret and deadly serious as one of the heavies; Nick Wilton treads an Avengers-esque line between whimsy and reality as PC Sharpe, and also plays the world weary Karimov, Uzbek contact for McCarthy and reminiscent (in a good way) of Colonel Von Strohm from 'Allo Allo'.

Once again, I have to add praise for the sheer charm of Sheridan Smith as Lucie Miller. She has terrific comic delivery, enabling her to deliver all the usual 'companion says just the right thing by accident' type lines and still make it sound both natural and funny. Lucie isn't intelligent or knowledgeable in the way that the Doctor is, but she is smart, meaning she can always come back with a comeback line – most memorably responding to the Doctor's name-drop of Marco Polo with "the man who invented the mint". And she has a wonderfully different relationship with the Doctor where, with the two of them thrust together by no choice of their own, neither wants to admit that they're rather enjoying travelling together.

Any superficial examination of the plot would suggest that very little happens in "Brave New Town". To the extent that no one even gets to New Town. You could almost see the whole story in the scene where the plastic villagers, having been induced to march out over the sands that were once the seabed, are released from the summoning voice and decide to head home again. And yet, so much more of this is just in enjoying the performance being played out and being done well.

Definitely one where less is more.


Next time… we're off to the fabled Blue Desert of Metebelis… I beg your pardon, Indigo 3 for Sects, Sanctuaries, Symmetry and "The Skull of Sobek".

PS:
Do not forget! Mr Dr David is back tonight at 7pm!