Day 3173: Duncan Dunk'd; Farrago Farragone

Tuesday:


What IS it about the new Mr Speaker, Mr John Cashcow, that makes swivel-eyed right-wingers pop their upper head-gaskets?

First there's the news that Mr Nigel Farrago (supported by Mr Tim Montgomery of the Conservatory Continuity IDS) will be quitting as leader of the UKPnuts Party in order to spend more time abusing his expenses allowance* campaigning to get Mr Speaker Cashcow's job as MP for Buckingham.


Now we hear that Mr Balloon has replaced Shadow Loss-Leader of the House Mr Alan Duncan-Donuts with a duffer who very much campaigned to get Mr Speaker Cashcow's job as Speaker, Mr Sir George Old.


Now, I'm NOT one of those people who are saying "this shows the true face of the Conservatories" – mainly because I do not think Mr Balloon would know a TRUE face if someone punched him in it – and I don't mean to be a CONSPIRACY THEORIST, but it does look like Mr Cashcow is being surrounded on two flanks, i.e. the right and the FAR-RIGHT.

Things look quite TIGHT for him, electorally.

At the last election, the Conservatories scored 27,748 votes and UKPnuts a grand 1,432. So if it is TRUE that the Conservatory vote might split 64:25 in a Farrago:Cashcow contest, then (in the unrealistic world of no other changes) that could become 21,386 for the Europhobes and (if you add in the 9,619 Labour voters and 9,508 Liberal Democrat voters) 26,921 not.

That LOOKS like a possible narrow victory for the Mr Speaker. But while Liberal Democrat voters might be persuadable to vote for a reforming Mr Speaker, Hard Labour voters have a habit of staying at home and sitting on their fluffy feet if their man isn't up for election. Would YOU want to rely on them?

It would certainly suit Mr Balloon to get rid of a semi-detached free thinker like Mr Cashcow and replace him with a tame Conservatory – and since Hard Labour went and broke the convention of Mr Speaker being picked from the opposition, he'd have no trouble getting away with it.

In fact, it doesn't half look as though he's lining up Mr Sir George Old to slip into the role should it – entirely tragically – fall vacant due to the election of the MEP for Innsmouth. Mr Balloon has spoken in praise of his "great talent, depth and experience" or AGE as we say in English. In fact, Mr Sir George is so old that he was alive when the Conservatories were last in charge of running the country into the ground, and his "experience" amounts to being a minister for Mr Major Minor and the man who oversaw the aftermath of the Conservatories smashing the railways into tiny little pieces.

Conservatory transport being SO successful (or possibly because of a drunk driving conviction) he obviously travelled everywhere by bicycle, earning himself the nickname "the bicycling baronet", so that is something else he shares with Mr Balloon. Though there is no mention of how his SHOES travelled.

Mind you, Mr Sir George's fluffy feet are hardly CLEAN in the matter of the EXPENSES row. In fact, they are covered in black marker pen because he was the one doing all the redacting! In the last two years he claimed the maximum second home allowance of £23,000 a year on his London home which is within walking distance of the House of Commons. He also employs his daughter Ms Camilla as office manager, paid (salary undisclosed) from his taxpayer-funded expenses.

So OBVIOUSLY he's just the right sort of person to turn GAMEKEEPER for the House. You know: a POACHER.


Does anyone remember those HEADY days of summer when all these REVELATIONS were going to lead to REFORM?

Oh look, NOW Mr Balloon is going to make MPs pay more for SALAD. Give me STRENGTH!



*Of COURSE, Mr Farrago is using his communications allowance for communicating with his constituents. Or, strictly speaking, the very tiny proportion of his constituents who live in the Buckingham constituency.



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Day 3094: But Who Will Speak(er) for the People?

Monday:


Today we are electing a new Mr Speaker of the House of Conmens, and the prospects for reform do not look good.

Apparently, the favourite with the bookies, appropriately enough, is former Grand National runner-up Mrs Bucket. With her track record of being non-partisan only SLIGHTLY marred by a brief FIFTY-YEAR stint as a Tribal High Priestess and one-time Acting Leader of Hard Labour, and her anti-establishment credentials, only MARGINALLY undermined by being stuffed so far up the establishment's fluffy bottom that she reached the post of Secretary of State for Foreign Caravanning, she would be a TOTAL DISASTER.

But that's just TYPICAL of the way this election has been run, with genuine PROGRESSIVES being squeezed out by Secret Stalin tactics (so reminiscent of old-style Mr Frown) on both sides.

The Conservatories clearly think that it is their TURN – seven of the candidates are Conservatories, whereas only two are from Hard Labour (plus one Liberal Democrat) – and you might think that this is FAIR, but remember Conservatories by their very nature tend to CONSERVE and that's the very LAST thing that Parliament needs.

Captain Clegg has called for Parliament to select a PEOPLE'S Speaker, someone who will enable Parliament to challenge the Government, hold the executive to account and restore some trust to our failing institutions.

But the fact that the list of choices includes five Knights of the Realm – yes, including our very own Mr Sir Alan – suggests that Parliament doesn't seem to have GOT the idea that the new Mr Speaker needs to be ICONOCLASTIC.

SEVERAL of the Conservatories are described as "traditionalists" (yes, read it and SHUDDER), in particular another popular choice: Ms Ann Widdyone, like Mrs Bucket, another former Government insider whose return to the backbenches was less a career choice and more to do with her toxic presence not being required by Mr Balloon under any circumstances. She would positively pickle the place in aspic. In fact, she'd glaze the chamber over and display it like one of those ghastly plates with KITTENS on! (And it can't be THAT much of a surprise that she's the candidate backed by that "friend" of democracy Mr Roger Stavro Moredick.)


Liberal Democrat Mr Sir Alan says many of the right things, but – and I'm very sorry to say it – he's a bit of a FRAGILE ANTELOPE when what we need is a RHINOCEROS.

Also sadly, Hard Labour Rasputin Mr Frankly Failed has, er, failed to get enough support to stand, largely on the grounds that his own side would rather poison him, shoot him and drop him in frozen river.

Which really only leaves Conservatory Mr John Sergeant Bilko, a man described as having moved from the far right to becoming a Blairimort-ite (so, how can you tell the difference?). This apparently has ALIENATED most of his colleagues who prefer the way that, under the leadership of Mr Balloon, they have moved from the far right to becoming Blairimorts-lite… hang on, what are they objecting to?

Anyway, there really is only one possible choice – throw them ALL out and pick ME instead.

And if Mrs Bucket gets it, I might just break with all convention and stand against the Speaker myself!


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Day 3061: Text Speak(R) - Cll LXion M8

Tuesday:


Mr Speaker of the Housemartin's resignation speech in full then:

"Yer [badwords]! Ah'm off!"

In a private remark to the Prime Monster, he added:

"An' ye can tak tha' look of ye' face, ye great grinning ninny! Ye did nae support me, we'll I'll nae support ye's either! Ye can hae a by'elecshun, an' t'hell wi ye!"

Well, ONE election will be a START.


Meanwhile, and speaking of people letting their leadership dribble away, Mr Balloon was on the The Today Programme earlier this morning, and you could hear him getting more WEASELLY with every word that came out.

Would he call on Mr Speaker Housemartin to go?

"Ohh, um, er, no, no, it's not my job as leader of the opposition to, um, try to clean up Parliament. Have to leave that to others. I've got to appear above that sort of thing. Can't be seen to be breaking with tradition. Especially not traditions that keep Parliament an unaccountable box of secrets and dark practices. Goodness, can't have me 'letting the sun shine in' there. That would never do!"

Translation: he hadn't got the bottle.

Next question: hasn't he made a whopping profit on his million-pound pad in Notting Hill? Would he be returning the profits to the taxpayer?

"Look, I'm not thinking of selling it at the moment. No, I'm not selling it. I've told you, it's not for sale! Look, I'm not an idiot; the housing market is rotten and you'd all notice that I've made a socking great profit at your expense and… er… No, we should wait for the Kelly Commission on this. By the time the Kelly commission says that I have to, then I'll have had time for my tax lawyers to work out a way to… Look, I just meant what I said: the behaviour of some MPs has been appalling. I'm appalled that they got caught. But you can't have that Mr Clogg spoiling ALL our little earners, now can you?"

Translation: he's keeping the cash.


Contrast that with Mr Clogg's IMPRESSIVE performance on the Newsnight Show.

"No, Mr Housemartin wasn't a scapegoat; he'd been a roadblock to reform and only with a new Speaker could we start afresh. No, this wasn't about making excuses for other MPs; reform has to follow this, and all those MPs who've been bad have to face the music."

Mr Paxo's face was a PICTURE; he clearly DID NOT like being bested by the Leader of the Liberal Democrats.

Eager to get his own back, he came up with a SYNTHETIC question about whether the Lib Dems would support the Conservatories if they called a vote of no confidence in the Government.

Mr Clogg was quite clear that he WOULD vote against the Government in any confidence motion, so ALL of Mr Paxo's BLUSTER was ONLY over whether or not we would support the Conservatories… as though this made some kind of difference to the question? Perhaps they would support US?

But that DOES raise an interesting point: if Mr Balloon is SO KEEN on there being a General Election, why doesn't HE table a motion of no confidence in the Government?

Clearly we can't leave cleaning up Parliament in Mr Balloon's hands. Or should I say "sticky fingers"?


It is VERY IMPORTANT now that we make sure that this is a BEGINNING and not an end!

The new Mr Speaker… incidentally, could someone maybe SIT on Sir Mr the Merciless until the nonimations close. Or perhaps sit on a SCATTER CUSHION on Sir Mr the Merciless. No offence.

Anyhoo, the new Mr Speaker must work with the Kelly Commission and the House authorities to QUICKLY bring in a new set of rules BOTH for how the House is run AND for how our MPs get elected.

We have got to have SINGLE TRANSFERABLE VOTE: picking MPs has got to be the PEOPLE'S CHOICE and not the PARTY'S choice. Get RID of the FIX that is in the electoral system, and you'll go a long way to cleaning up the House of Commons.

And then as soon as possible, we should have a General Election.

Edited to add:

Auntie Alix is quite right that we have to address our own not-quite-as-white-as-white-ness if we are to convince a very angry group of people (namely EVERYBODY) that we deserve to be part of the solution.

A day after the FE (Federal Executioners) met, Daddy Alex fears that we are already FALLING BEHIND, letting our PROCEDURES get in the way of our PRINCIPLES. He has some EXPLOSIVE suggestions of how to move forwards.

I said it was a REVOLUTION, didn't I!


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Day 3060: Source of Annoying Drone Traced to Faulty Speaker…

Monday:


…and obscure Conservatory blogger recommends changing Cable.


It seems that Mr Speaker of the Housemartin is to go after all.

Presumably in his meeting with the Party Leaders Mr Clogg told him that the game was up, while Mr Frown and Mr Balloon looked at their feet and said "umm, probably."


Well, it's not a surprise. His performance yesterday was, more than anything else, DEEPLY EMBARRASSING. If his claim to stay was based on competence in his job, he did a very good demonstration of why he should go; if his determination to hang on was based on him being the man to clean up this mess, he gave every indication of being the man who's been trying to cover it all up.

I have no doubt that his apology to the House and for the House was heartfelt and painful for him to make. But it is not enough. And so it is going to be even more painful for him. He missed his opportunity to stand down with dignity. And so now he's having his fingers prised off the green leather one by one.

I am very sorry for him, because it's not good for anyone to get HUMILIATED like that. But it's the path that he chose for himself.

PS:

In other news, scientists claim to have discovered the source of "the Hum"; apparently that droning noise you can hear is the sound of goats being scaped…

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