Today we are electing a new Mr Speaker of the House of Conmens, and the prospects for reform do not look good.
Apparently, the favourite with the bookies, appropriately enough, is former Grand National runner-up Mrs Bucket. With her track record of being non-partisan only SLIGHTLY marred by a brief FIFTY-YEAR stint as a Tribal High Priestess and one-time Acting Leader of Hard Labour, and her anti-establishment credentials, only MARGINALLY undermined by being stuffed so far up the establishment's fluffy bottom that she reached the post of Secretary of State for Foreign Caravanning, she would be a TOTAL DISASTER.
But that's just TYPICAL of the way this election has been run, with genuine PROGRESSIVES being squeezed out by Secret Stalin tactics (so reminiscent of old-style Mr Frown) on both sides.
The Conservatories clearly think that it is their TURN – seven of the candidates are Conservatories, whereas only two are from Hard Labour (plus one Liberal Democrat) – and you might think that this is FAIR, but remember Conservatories by their very nature tend to CONSERVE and that's the very LAST thing that Parliament needs.
Captain Clegg has called for Parliament to select a PEOPLE'S Speaker, someone who will enable Parliament to challenge the Government, hold the executive to account and restore some trust to our failing institutions.
But the fact that the list of choices includes five Knights of the Realm – yes, including our very own Mr Sir Alan – suggests that Parliament doesn't seem to have GOT the idea that the new Mr Speaker needs to be ICONOCLASTIC.
SEVERAL of the Conservatories are described as "traditionalists" (yes, read it and SHUDDER), in particular another popular choice: Ms Ann Widdyone, like Mrs Bucket, another former Government insider whose return to the backbenches was less a career choice and more to do with her toxic presence not being required by Mr Balloon under any circumstances. She would positively pickle the place in aspic. In fact, she'd glaze the chamber over and display it like one of those ghastly plates with KITTENS on! (And it can't be THAT much of a surprise that she's the candidate backed by that "friend" of democracy Mr Roger Stavro Moredick.)
Liberal Democrat Mr Sir Alan says many of the right things, but – and I'm very sorry to say it – he's a bit of a FRAGILE ANTELOPE when what we need is a RHINOCEROS.
Also sadly, Hard Labour Rasputin Mr Frankly Failed has, er, failed to get enough support to stand, largely on the grounds that his own side would rather poison him, shoot him and drop him in frozen river.
Which really only leaves Conservatory Mr John Sergeant Bilko, a man described as having moved from the far right to becoming a Blairimort-ite (so, how can you tell the difference?). This apparently has ALIENATED most of his colleagues who prefer the way that, under the leadership of Mr Balloon, they have moved from the far right to becoming Blairimorts-lite… hang on, what are they objecting to?
Anyway, there really is only one possible choice – throw them ALL out and pick ME instead.
And if Mrs Bucket gets it, I might just break with all convention and stand against the Speaker myself!