"If you want something done properly, kill
Baldrick before you start."
- Mr Edmund Blackadder, "Dish and
Right, just so we are ABSOLUTELY clear on this, the Conservatories are NOT the "Heirs to Blair" and anyone who said that would be TOTALLY STUPID.
(Until the next time Mr Balloon changes his mind again.)
In case you did not see it, Mr Balloon performed this week's relaunch on Monday, but do not worry – like "Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps" on BBC3 it will be round again before you've had time to miss it.
He's been having a bit of a time again recently, what with the Labour actually coming back in the opinion polls and the news that the Conservatory Party is SPLIT down the middle between the ones who HATE him and the ones who LOATHE him.
It is TRUE that the Conservatories have gone out on a limb choosing their leader. It just happens to be a FAR RIGHT one.
In this recent poll for Channel 4 News, the public felt that on a scale of very left wing to very right wing, Mr Balloon was the leader FURTHEST from the centre ground on +33 to the right.
Obviously that is very FRUSTRATING for the rest of the Conservatories since at +52 they have fallen off the far right edge!
(Sir Mr the Merciless at -15 was closest to the position that the public felt themselves to be.)
So it was time for another go at the "We're NEW too!" show, or as the Labour's Hazel Bleary puts it "Save the Dave!"
Mr Balloon wanted to make it clear that the next election will be a CLASH of IDEAS between the old, authoritarian party of centralisation and state control under Mr Frown and the vibrant, young party of freedom, hope and the environment under SIR MR THE MERCILESS…
Hang on, why was he giving this speech?
Actually, he was being even more SCHIZOPHRENIC than usual, since he has to keep up the Liberal Conservatory front while keeping the Tombstone Conservatories at bay.
He chose to begin by outlining his achievements so far:
"Nine hundred more councillors this year.
"Breaking through in the north of England.
"A 40% party once again."
SORRY, I have typed that bit down WRONG:
"Nine hundred YEAR-OLD councillors this year.
"Breaking DOWN in the north of England.
"A 40% TAX-RATE party once again."
Then he had a go at Mr Frown's SECRET STALIN control freak tendencies:
"Under Gordon Brown all we'll get is "he knows best" politics", said Mr Balloon. "That's right! Under me, the Conservatories will give you "WE DON'T KNOW AT ALL" politics!"
He followed that up with reminder of his "why we have no policies" excuse, the playschool-level BUILD A HOUSE metaphor: first you clear the ground (i.e. knock down all your EXISTING policies), then you lay the "philosophical" foundations… (or in Mr Balloon's case foundation. Singular.)
You know, I may be being a bit old fashioned here but, to me, ONE jolly wheeze – no matter HOW jolly it is – does not a PHILOSOPHY make.
Mr Balloon's solitary BIG IDEA, which used to be called "The Responsibility Revolution" but is currently referred to as "Social Responsibility" (subject to focus group testing/wind direction), is to pass the buck to invite contributions from Charities and local community action groups.
"There IS such a thing as society," announced Mr B, "it's just NOT MY FAULT!"
Anyway, once you've cleared the ground and laid the foundation, then you leave it to someone else to put up the walls while you nip off back to the country pile you inherited from daddy.
(Er, I'm not sure THAT's right, either!)
Mr Balloon went on to knit himself a flag out of all those NEW and MODERN Conservatory themes: national security, money, crime, the police, money, terrorism, money and the family. And money.
It is a bit STRANGE but if you ignore all the "we're new, we're new" rhetoric, it is almost like there is some HIDDEN MESSAGE for a different audience from the rest of us.
Finally, just to prove what a LISTENING politician he is, he showed that he had been LISTENING to all of the Labour MUPPETS who promised that they would be LISTENING to us too:
"We will soon be launching Stand Up, Speak Up - a chance for everyone in this country to get involved in shaping the next Conservative manifesto."
So NOT "The Big Conversation" at all then.
He finished with a rousing promise that he was NOT copying Lord Blairimort at all:
"I shall be TOUGH on copying NuLabour, tough on the CAUSES of copying NuLabour!" he said.
Fans of Mr Boy George Oboe will find Mr Nick Assinder is very worth reading: from here on Wednesday the 30th of May to here for the Monday the 18th June entry in the Commons Confidential.