Last night, Mr Peter Chickens, fish-faced editor of "Ten things I Hate about Dave" and brother of Mr Christopher Chickens, was on the telly having a go about Mr Balloon on Channel Furore.
His programme was called "Toff at the Top", which is a PUN – because Mr Balloon is not REALLY at the TOP!
In his programme, Mr Chickens broke the complete non-news that Mr Balloon probably does not believe in anything except valet-driven shoes, which way the wind is blowing and the divine right of the Notting Hill set.
In fact, the biggest revelation was that the normally FRIGHTENINGLY on-the-ball Mr Michael Groove can be a complete MAROON sometimes.
Apparently Mr Balloon (in the years before he stuck on one his own roof) called wind turbines BIRD BLENDERS.
"What does this say about his commitment to his environmental policies?" asked Mr Chickens.
"It says that Dave has a sense of humour," replied Mr Groove.
"So what does this humorously say his commitment to his environmental policies?" asked Mr Chickens.
"It says that he has a sense of humour," replied Mr Groove. Again.
Well, at least Mr Groove knows that Conservatory green policies are a JOKE!
Mr Chickens took a stroll though Mr Balloon's biography clearly hoping to dig up some new dirt. But since he couldn't be bothered to put in any new RESEARCH he only found all the old dirt that Mr Balloon has already
One thing that I DID learn was that Mr Balloon could not even get a job at Conservatory headquarters on his own MERIT and had to rely on a phone call from the QUEEN'S EQUERRY. And YOU thought that PATRONAGE and CORRUPTION only extended as far as Lord Blairimort! Even the QUEEN is in on it! If this is not proof that they are BAD THINGS then I do not know what is!
Once he WAS in the Conservatory Central Office, Mr Balloon quickly became chums with… well all his OLD chums from Eton and Oxford. They formed a CLIQUE. Apparently they would all sit around and worship Mrs Thatcher. They used to call her MOTHER!
(Yuck, sick, vomit, vomit!)
Mr Balloon is fond of CHUMS. As everyone knows he has set up his special A-Team in order to help those who have a problem, who nobody else can help. Yes, Conservatory candidates.
But everyone on the A-Team come from Mr Balloon's neighbourhood of Kensington and Chelsea, or K&C as they call it. Or was that KFC – at least that ought to please Mr Chickens. It didn't though!
"This plan to make the Conservatory Party all modern and diverse is REALLY ROTTEN," said Mr Chickens. "And what's more, look how all this diversity has made all our candidates the same!"
Some people are just never happy!
Then Mr Chickens turned his fishy-eyes to look at Mr Balloon's electoral record. These are all the things that he claimed that he believed in when he was trying to get a job in the House of Commons. (Because his proper job had just gone bankrupt, see above!)
No doubt Mr Jonny will be DISTRESSED to learn that Mr Balloon did not always want to "Hug a Hoodie". No, indeed. In fact, he used to say that Hoodies should be ELECTROCUTED TO DEATH! And then given a THOUSAND YEARS HARD LABOUR. With bricks thrown at them!
And on some of his election literature, Mr Balloon had included the accusation that the Labour were "promoting homosexuality" by scrapping the Conservatory LEGALISED HATE OF GAY DADDIES that was Section 28.
This was VERY BAD and I am shocked that the modern hoodie-hugging gay-daddy-embracing softie Mr Balloon could ever have said such HORRID things. How does this square with his current all-inclusive stance?
Back to Mr Groove: "sometimes, when you're standing for election, you just have to go along with what the party is saying, even if you don't endorse every word yourself."
Well, THAT'S no excuse – after all, this was NOT some off-the-cuff remark when challenged to defend the party line. Oh no! This was what he said AT LENGTH in free op-ed pieces in the local paper.
In other words, they said to him: "You can write us a piece about anything you like. Anything in the world. What do you want to say to your voters?" And Mr Balloon CHOSE to use these words. He was deliberately picking a BUZZ PHRASE to appeal to a certain TYPE of voter. The EVIL type!
Remember, Mr Balloon went on to be the man chosen to write the Conservatory 2005 manifesto: also known as the SHORTEST SUICIDE NOTE IN HISTORY!
"Ah!" Mr Groove again, "It was Mr Something of the Night and Mr Davis David who were REALLY in charge. Dave was just following orders."
Daddy says I should look up the NUREMBURG DEFENCE!
In fact, Mr Something of the Night and Mr Davis David are both still SENIOR FIGURES in Mr Balloon's Conservatory Party. If he has repudiated them and all they stand for would he not get rid of them? Would THEY not quit? Something does not ADD UP – and it is not just Mr Boy George's attempts to work out the budget, either!
All of the evidence seems to point to Mr Balloon having some kind of MIRACULOUS CONVERSION, probably some time during the year 2005 just at the point when he wanted to become a MEDIA DARLING. Which was handy.
Mr Chickens talked to Mr Dapper Derek, who used to be a SPIN DOCTOR for the Labour, and who had a good idea what caused Mr Balloon to change his mind about everything he ever claimed to believe in ever.
"Yes, I knew Dave," said Mr Dapper. "He and his Knitting Hill Club used to hang out with us all the time. They didn't care about us being the Labour or our policies; they just wanted to know what it was we did in order to win."
"And what made him change from an olds-school Thatchianity-ist into a Liberal Conservatory?"
"I just told you: they just wanted to know what it was we did in order to win."
Can ANYONE really say that they are SURPRISED by the "revelations" Mr Chickens makes?
Ooh, Mr Balloon he'll say anything to get elected.
We ALREADY know this! And a lot of people are thinking of voting for him ANYWAY, even though he is JUST LIKE the other feller! Mr Chickens says that if the Conservatory Party won't actually propose any policies or do anything different from the Labour then we are robbed of CHOICE and FREEDOM.
But to be FAIR, the electorate seem to have made it pretty clear what it is that they want – a moderately right-of centre free-market Thatcherite economy that spends a fortune on health care. So both of the big parties are trying to give them that. And the only real point in choosing between them is to get a fresh Thatcherite face blinking in the flashbulbs on the Number Ten doorstep.
Of course, our unfair, broken First-Pass-the-Port electoral system really only gives that choice to a TINY MINORITY of people: the swing voters in the marginal constituencies.
That is what Mr Balloon offers, "New Shroom Washing Powder – exactly the same as the old stuff, but NEW!"
And unless someone digs up a document proving he is going to ban newspapers or sell the BBC to Roger Stavro Moredick, then the media will continue to treat him AS their darling and give him free publicity every time he so much as lets one go.
Which, of course, is TERRIBLE.
Lord Blairimort's mantra used to be "There's no point in being in politics if you aren't in power." And there is a bit of truth to that. But the reverse is ALSO true: There is no point in being in POWER if you haven't any POLITICS.
Sorry, WHAT was Mr Balloon for?