Mr Balloon says he's got the judgement and character. Specifically the CARTOON character.
His message: vote Conservatory or I'll shoot a TELLYTUBBY.
Now in fairness, I'm sure he's been feeling very deprived what with all the world's media inexplicably finding his pointless, policy-less preening somewhat less newsworthy than the impending financial apocalypse.
The Conservatory spin was that last week the Labour were only talking about themselves to themselves; this week the Conservatories are talking to… well nobody.
In fact, the only coverage they've had at all this week has been ten seconds (we counted them) on News at Ten and all the mentions that Mr Nick "mate of Dave" Bobinson could get in.
Actually, Mr "And Here's to You Mrs" Bobinson is getting a bit SAD: his BIZARRE assertion this morning was that "Dave's" conference had been overshadowed this year… for the SECOND YEAR RUNNING.
Errrr, right, so that would be the Conference last year that got wall to wall coverage for Mr Oboe's reincarnation as a living saint for proposing tax cuts – terms and conditions apply, millionaires only – the conference that turned around the Conservatories polling position and that scared Mr Frown into his most famous dither: the election that never was. Would THAT be the conference that was overshadowed, Mr "Mate of Dave"?
This comes on top of the impartial political editor repeatedly pushing the Conservatory spin-machine's pitiful excuse for not having an economic policy: "the cupboard is bare".
I mean EXCUSE me but when the Government is spending six-hundred-thousand-million pounds a year… that's not EXACTLY "bare" is it? I mean were not reaaaaly up against it, are we?
And the Liberal Democrats can find a few savings! But not, apparently, the Conservatories who think all the Labour's spending is BAD but wouldn't cut a penny of it!
This year Mr Balloon was delivering his speech from a LECTERN in order to look more SERIOUS than he had last year when he got so much coverage. At least that's the spin, and of course it would be VERY wrong to assume that the real reason is that Mr Balloon can only do that trick when he's had months to memorise the speech. I am sure he is QUITE capable of walking and talking at the same time without the need for practice. Might need to think twice about CHEWING GUM though.
So, the Conservatory leader felt that he had to answer the Prime Monster's JIBE about experience. He chose to remind the audience how all the experience in all the great Offices of State of… Mr Major Minor led the Government to disaster… er, no that's not the answer on the card. Queen Maggie's eleven year's of experience… nope. He's gone back nearly THIRTY YEARS to the last resort of all Conservatory Scoundrels, the Winter of Discontent.
Poor old Big Jim Callaghan: Mr Balloon, a man not fit to carry the Chancellor's bags (as he proved on Black Wednesday), spent a good while dissing him and then said "for all his experience, people got rid of him for Queen Maggie, and thank goodness."
Yes, that's right: Mr Balloon recommends taking an unpopular Prime Monster who's suffering under heavy bombardment from chickens coming home to roost, and replacing him with a swivel-eyed megalomaniac who will go on and on and on and go madder and madder and madder. Good call, Mr Balloon, though I'd be less keen on taking the staring role in THAT little psycho-drama.
Mr Balloon clearly DOES have some experience: his time at ITV Digital has taught him that CHANGE means a hundred channels, all of them exactly the same.
So he claims to be "a man with a plan". The actual aphorism is: "A Man, a Plan, a Canal: Panama".
So Mr Balloon's view is that what we need right now is a REALLY BIG HOLE… and he's the man to start DIGGING.
There IS a difference between a "miracle cure" and a "plan", but Mr Balloon can't even get THAT right. The difference is that one of them involves magic words, waving of hands, a call for belief… and NO ACTUAL OUTCOME.
I'd rather have a plan that includes an ACTUAL PLAN.