...a blog by Richard Flowers

Friday, November 30, 2007

Day 2524: Could Gordon Go?


Cash Under the Counter continues to spiral OUT OF CONTROL today, with Ms Harriet Harpy pointing the finger at Mr Frown, and Mr Huhney-Monster dialling 999!

Mr Frown has called up the old hatchet man Mr Jack Man O'Straw to issue another round of denials.

"Mr Frown has no idea what's going on," said Mr Man O'Straw, not completely reassuringly.

The police are going to investigate and no doubt they will work DILIGENTLY until the find the proof that Mr Frown is COMPLETELY INNOCENT.

But there is actually a BIGGER question. Can Mr Frown SURVIVE as Prime Monster?

Further TRIVIAL IRREGULARITIES have hit the headlines: sepia stained stool-pigeon Mr Peter Vain "accidentally" overlooked the need to declare a five-thousand pound receipt that just HAPPENED to come from the man at the centre of the affair, Mr Jon Meddlesome; a Labour MSP has resigned because he obtained an illegal donation to Ms Wendy Alexander's leadership campaign of £950.

In the NORMAL course of events, these would be silly mistakes that would be forgotten with yesterdays CHIP PAPER. But added together, they begin to look like a PATTERN – nothing deliberate, but certainly ENDEMIC: the Labour don't think the RULES apply to THEM.

According to Mr Man O'Straw, Mr Frown would DEFINITELY have put a stop to THIS SORT OF THING if he'd had a SNIFF of it – which reminds me ALL TO DISTURBINGLY of a dodgy reverend in Boston Legal (series two, episode four: "A Whiff and a Prayer").

Of course, you MIGHT remember that Mr Frown's leadership campaign – the one where he successfully campaigned to defeat, er, no one – TURNED DOWN the offer of a five grand slice from one of Mr Abrahams front ladies. Why do that if there was no WHIFF of what was up?

Well, obviously, there IS a perfectly natural explanation. It's just that – understandably – that ISN'T the one that the Prime Monster's campaign co-ordinator can use.

It all begins to add up: coming on top of the Northern Rock disaster and the calamitous incompetence at Mrs the Queen's Customs and Revenue – and indeed after weathering all the crises of the summer, one after the other – it begins to look like Mr Frown is a bit of a DISASTER MAGNET.

It has its impact on the opinion polls too, with the Conservatories racking up their biggest lead since Queen Maggie was on the throne!

(Though before the Conservatories get TOO arrogant, it's not like THEY'VE done anything – and if you judge by the BBC's Questionable Time audience response (which IS questionable, obviously) then there is no great love for the "Two Tory Toffs". Mr Balloon's failings and follies of the summer haven't gone away, they just aren't as newsworthy as the ongoing DOG'S BREAKFAST that Mr Frown is serving daily form the Downing Street bunker's canteen. The Conservatories, now, are just the LESSER of two RUBBISHES.)

Everyone remembers what Mr Frown's REAL plan was: get rid of Lord Blairimort, nice little 2p tax cut, snap election in Spring '08, home and dry for five years and then retire to grow English roses. Unfortunately, things got a LITTLE ahead of themselves – people talked up an EVEN EARLIER election this Autumn, Mr Frown got Frit and… let's call the whole thing off.

Since then, the media have PUNISHED him incessantly for what was – basically – THEIR mistake. THEY got their knickers in a twist with excitement and then he let them down. And they are NOT going to forgive him. This is NOT, as the Labour keep trying to sell it, a passing fancy. The media have made their choice: Mr Frown is a FLOP. They will hound him for the rest of his term, just as they did when Mr Major Minor flopped out of the Exchange Rate Mechanism.

(And just as it was Mr Frown who saved the Conservatories, so it is Mr Balloon alone now who could save Mr Frown from our BI-POLAR MEDIA if HE managed to p…disappoint them off more.)

But, despite being DREADFUL, the Labour these days are not STUPID. Blind to their own faults, yes, insanely convinced of their own self-righteousness, true, but not actually DUMB. NuLabour is a MACHINE for getting ROBOTS elected, and it isn't programmed for failure. So how long is it going to be before the GREY ROBOTS come for Mr Frown with the equivalent of the old Conservatory PEARL HANDLED REVOLVER – some sort of REBOOT disk, probably?

Who, if anyone, could replace him? Queen Maggie wrecked the Conservatories by eliminating all competition and leaving them with a generation of PYGMIES. Between them, Lord Blairimort and Mr Frown have almost done the same to the Labour. Almost, but not quite, because in amongst all the grey technocrats there is a BIT of a new crop of potential leaders in waiting.

So, has the HOUR of the MILLIPEDE come upon us? Well, obviously not YET. Our esteemed Secretary of State for Looking Uncomfortable When Innocent Teachers Are Banged Up For NO GOOD REASON is barely out of SHORT TROUSERS and still cannot grow a proper BEARD.

And of course, Mr Millipede may be thinking: "I'll just let YOU lose the next election, Gordo."

Nevertheless, the Blairimort faction of the Labour grows RESTIVE. If they thought it would pull their collective Secretary of State for Education out of the fire, they would dump Mr Frown in an INSTANT. It is probably Mr Frown's one stroke of luck that Lord B couldn't be bothered to stick around in the Commons, or there would already be a campaign to have him – oh, reluctantly – take back the PANTS of POWER.

Both the Conservatories AND the Liberal Democrats have been seen to replace their leader after only two years. Of course, Sir Mr the Merciless took the honourable path and went BEFORE he damaged the party – Mr Iain Drunken-Swerve clung on by his finger nails and had to be dragged out screaming (very quietly).

Which option will Mr Frown choose? Dignity and quiet humility or an embarrassing coup? Or the Mr Major Minor SUICIDE FLOP?

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