Conservatory Leader, Mr Balloon, has admitted that he’s not up to running a country at war and will be having to go begging to Captain Clegg and whichever unlucky troglodyte ends up in Mr Frown’s shoes as leader of the THIRD party after the election annihilates the Hard Labour Government.
Yes LUCKY us! We have been privileged to be addressed by the Conservatory Cowardy Custard in waiting, and he’s broken the SHOCKING news that he’s going to start campaigning for the 2010 General Election. Like he’s been doing since it was the 2007 General Election.
Let the Lovebombing Commence or “Fly My Pretties” as Mr Balloon almost certainly wouldn’t put it unless he thought he could get away with it.
By a curious twist of completely making it up, I have here for you the text of an early draft of WHAT HE WAS REALLY THINKING as he did his usual shtick for the cameras. Possibly.
“My future serfs,
“It’s a brand new year.
“It’s a new decade. At least that’s what Gideon tells me, and I’m FAIRLY sure he can add up. Anyway, I believe in Year Zero.
“This time always comes with smug self-satisfied complacency. I‘m sorry did I say complacency, I meant hope.
“Hope for me, anyway
“But in 2010, I can do more than just hope. The next general election is no more than 153 days away and thanks to Lord Ashcroft – tax position subject to negotiation – I can BUY that election.
“Let's make this the year for change. Change. Say it with me. Change. Change you can believe in. If it worked for Barry O… I’m willing to black up. I’ve seen the Black and White Minstrels. Heck, at Conservatory Conference I’ve seen the Bullingdon Boys DO the Black and White Minstrels. Er. No, forget I said that.
“So let's make this the year for change: the year when the positive defeats the negative. That’s why I say we can't go on. No, not negative at all there. We can’t go on. Look, I’m going to be saying ’we can’t go on’ eleven times, so just remember I’m being positive even when I’m being really negative. Okay then?
“We can’t go on with the same irresponsible economic policies – we need NEW irresponsible economic policies.
“We can’t go on with an old-fashioned left-wing class war on aspiration – though I hope to goodness Hard Labour DO… or at least I can keep on PRETENDING that everything that they say or do is a Class Attack. After all, just because I’ve never held a responsible government position or indeed ANY sort of job other than doing PR for the failed ITV Digital company and carpet-bagging for Norma Lamont on Black Wednesday, that’s no reason to infer that I got where I am because of my background rather than my talents. Remember you don’t HAVE to be posh to be privileged. But I certainly am. Posh, that is. AND privileged, now I think about it.
“We can’t go on with the old style of politics that divides our country instead of uniting it – setting people against each other with accusations of a ‘broken society’, urging homeowners to turn vigilante.
“We can’t go on with Hard Labour's bureaucracy, running everything from Whitehall – it’s about time we handed over even more power to the big City institutions that have done SO WELL for us – well those of us who can get non-executive directorships lined up, anyway – institutions like the banks, the insurance brokers, the pensions companies…
“We can’t go on in these difficult times with a weak Prime Minister and a divided government – that’s why I promise – a cast-iron guarantee, if you like – to be led around by the nose by the Euro-nutter factions and splinter groups on my back benches rather than risk any confrontation.
“We can’t go on with another five years of Mr Frown… When I say “another” five years, remember that Mr Frown’s already been Prime Monster for five years… At least that’s what Gideon tells me. And I’m FAIRLY sure he can add up.
“This is no time for more of the same. Still, that’s what I’ve got to offer, so here we go.
“We need change to get our country back on its feet.
“And it’s the modern Conservative party that has the plans and ideas… the evil plans, the mad ideas… the chutzpah, the brass neck, and the sheer bloody good fortune to have the election fall into our lap to bring that change…
“We are starting our campaign to win the general election today. I know I’ve announced the launch of our campaign before. You can be sure I’ll announce the launch of our campaign again. Don’t say I haven’t learned anything from Lord Mandelbrot! So long as Baldy Nick at the BBC keeps buying it, I’ll keep shovelling it.
“So, it’s finally time to announce our actual plans. Almost.
“Until then, you can have some more soft soap. Or warm handwash in these days of Swine Flu.
“First, we need change in our economy, because – all together now! – we can't go on like this.
“Britain needs responsible economic policies that deal with our debts, so we have stability to create jobs and keep mortgage rates and taxes lower. Which means’ your stuffed, ‘cos there’s no way Gideon can manage all of that! Or ANY of that, really.
“Since I started speaking today, more than half a million pounds has been added to the national debt. And that’s just by the Conservatory advertising agencies! Imports from Columbia can be SO expensive… er, I’ve heard.
“Anyway, that’s why we’ve been clear – by which I mean almost completely opaque – about our intention to cut public spending, and clear – by which I mean as vague as possible – about where some of those cuts will come – from something or other to, ooh, whatever it is. Oh, I know teachers and old people: they can foot the bill. No, forget I said that too.
“But that’s not enough just to deal with the deficit. So we’re back to being a bit stuffed. I’ll just call it an ‘economic miracle’ and hope that someone else rescues the economy.
“Anyway, the mission that drives this party is building a stronger society. No, don’t laugh.
“We are progressive Conservatives. No, I said DON’T laugh.
“Our goal is to create a fairer, safer, greener country where opportunity is more equal. Though we’ll settle for a richer, richer, richer Conservatory Party where you oiks pay for us to keep all our opportunities.
“We will protect the NHS – we will protect it from government interference… by privatising it!
“We will protect schools… by privatising them!
“We will protect welfare reforms… by privatising them!
“We will… oh look you get the picture…
“But don’t worry, we’ll be tough on crime, tough on the causes of… thingie. Alcoholics, drug addicts, people in debt. We’ll lock em all up. It won’t solve anything, but it looks terrifically tough. Michael Howard always used to think so. Do you remember thinking what he was thinking? No, neither do I.
“A decade of big government and blunt, bureaucratic control has undermined responsibility and made our social problems worse, not better.
“We are determined to forge a new direction. And I’ve worked in PR. I know about forgery.
“We will encourage people to take responsibility for their actions.
“Obviously I don’t mean IMPORTANT people; that’s why I oppose EU banking regulations and proper reform of the House of Commons. Who wants their MP to be actually accountable, when fewer MPs, which means larger constituencies, could put them more under the control of the Whips’ Office instead.
“No, I mean ordinary little people. They can take responsibility. And so they can take the BLAME.
“Within months of a Conservative victory there would start the most radical decentralisation of power this country has seen for generations.”
“I know what you’re thinking: will we start by reversing and repealing Mrs Thatcher’s Local Government Acts then? No, of course not. Conservatory centralisation and QuANGOcracy is GOOD for you! That’s while I’ll begin by introducing NEW ‘Bonfire QuANGOs’ to run the Bonfire of the QuANGOs. Then we’ll be having a Bonfire of the Bonfire QuANGOs. And we’ll need a whole SPECIAL COMMISSION to run that! It’ll bring REAL opportunities back to people.
“And Government will enter a new era of transparency. You can see my policies. You can see right through them!
“These are the changes our country needs.
“These are the changes that will help get Britain back on its feet.
“But I know people have heard this sort of talk before.
“Yet nothing ever happens and nothing ever changes.
“So why now?
“Why should people trust this change?
“I’ll tell you why! It’s because people are MORONS! Yes, I really believe it. If you suckers will watch Britain’s Got Talent and think it’s a GENUINE SURPRISE when Susan Boyle looks like the Honey Monster and sounds like a choir of angels, then you’ll believe I’m for real too. Especially if Mr Roger Stavro Moredick has the Scum tell you so over and over and over between now and polling day. Oh please, Roger, I’ll give you BBC3 if you make it so!
“We have shown over the past four years that we can make change happen. Look how much we’ve changed by NOT having Conservatories in government. Just imaging how much we can change by NOT having Conservatories in Government for the NEXT four years!
“So believe in me, and believe in the leadership that I have shown.
“Leadership that is modern, strong, decisive, united!
“And how can “leadership” be “modern”? Leadership is leadership – so by “modern leadership” I mean “not the old sort of leadership”… or basically “not leadership”. Er.
“So how can our leadership be simultaneously “strong” and “united” – you may think that either you have a strong leader and a SUBSERVIENT Shadow Cabinet or you have CONSENSUS leadership and a united Shadow Cabinet, but you can’t have both unless you have the Stepford Shadow Cabinet… oh…
“And HOW can I claim my leadership to be decisive? Well look at this very SPEECH! Here I am, rowing back from that “age of austerity” drama that I was pushing before Christmas. THAT made everyone very depressed. So I’ve DECISIVELY decided to do a complete U-Turn and go back to being Mr Sunshine. For the moment.
“We have argued for fiscal responsibility from day one of my leadership.
“Remember how Mr Deadwood responsibly called for slashing of banking regulation or when Gideon responsibly announced he was slashing taxes for dead millionaires? Remember when we were responsibly spending more on hugging huskies before we responsibly said we couldn’t afford it any more.
“We have argued for social responsibility from day one of my leadership.
“Remember how I said we should hug a hoodie? Remember how I said we should blame the hoodies for the broken society? Remember how I said MIXED MESSAGES were BAD!
“And I’ve ALWAYS said that marriage is an institution that is so important to our society – unless it’s between gay daddies in which case it’s a matter of conscience and my voting record is clear on where I stand, which is completely the opposite of what I say nowadays – but marriage is under threat and it can only be supported with a ten pound
bridebribe. That’ll keep the family together.
“We have campaigned consistently to put the environment and civil liberties on the political agenda.”
“Oh no, no, sorry – I’m thinking of the Liberal Democrats. They haven’t dropped their Green policies during the recession. In fact their Green Tax Switch is even MORE important for them now, because they’ll be using that to help fund a substantial cut in tax for lower and middle earners. Something we in the Conservatory Party couldn’t consider doing because it wouldn’t benefit ourselves. Er.
“Still, when the expenses scandal broke, we were the first to pay money back, we paid the MOST money back. We had to. We were the WORST! Er. We were first to publish our expenses online. Apart from those Liberal Democrats who ALREADY published their expenses online. And we were the first to commit to cutting the cost of politics. Not actually REFORMING politics. That would be SILLY when we’re going to win! Whether you want us to or not. Isn’t First Past The Post grand!
“Anyway, over the past four years, we have always tried to work with other parties rather than looking for political dividing lines where none exist.
“Remember that, voters: We’re JUST like the people you REALLY want to vote for. We stand for change. But only into something the same.
“We backed Lord Blairimort’s invasion of that Middle Eastern Counry – Iran, Iraq, can’t remember which – and we backed renewing Trident even though we could have inflicted a damaging defeat on the Government. We just thought we were better off stirring up damaging dissent on his back benches.
“And we backed Mr Frown’s spiralling house-price bubble and credit boom too!
“And we worked with the Liberal Democrats to get justice for the Gurkhas jumping on the bandwagon at the last minute when it looked like I could get my picture taken with Ms Joanna Lummey! Lor’ Bless Her!
“We called for TV debates more than four years ago…just as Hard Labour did in the four years before THEY actually had something to lose. And we have stuck to that whether ahead in the polls or behind in the polls. Our consistency on this issue has been… well totally irrelevant, actually; it’s Mr Frown’s desperation and Lord Mandelbrot’s sly cunning that has made it happen.
“In that spirit of unity, of a greater purpose than the simple pursuit of politics, I have an announcement to make.
“I can announce today that if we win this year's election, I will invite leaders of the main opposition parties to take the blame for every single British soldier that dies in Afghanistan.
“After all, I don’t see why I should! I mean I’ve been there twice but I’ve still no idea where it is. Apparently we’re at war with the Toblerones. Or possibly Alka-Seltzer. Anyway, I’m jolly sure that we should be doing exactly whatever it is we’re doing there and I’ve always supported the War on Whoever, whoever it’s actually on. So I think the other parties should agree with me too. Even the ones who don’t agree with me.
“Anyway they can have this special access to my Special War Cabinet on Privy Council Terms just like being on the Privy Council. Which they’re already on. And which already also gets the War Cabinet briefings. So basically they get nothing. And I get to cover my nicely Saville-Row suited arse.
“When a nation is at war, it needs to pull together. Pull together. Pull that chain and flush those other Parties.
“I am determined that with a Conservative government, it will.
“Because we can't go on like this. I told you there would be eleven of those.
“So there are some of our plans.
“Our plans are not timid – but the truth is they can’t be. They have to be INVISIBLE or you won’t vote for them, no matter HOW stupid I think you all are.
“A better NHS; an aspirational economy; a big society; a new politics…and a load of old HONK.
“We have a four year track record of covering up the worst in our party; now I’m determined to do the same in Government.
“We are all in this together – and by that I mean YOU are all in it together; me and Gideon and the other multi-millionaires, we’ll be just fine thanks – and we know that if we – YOU – all pull together then this country can have great hope for the future. For us.
“You may now sit.”