Day 2711: United States of Obamica

Tuesday:


So, at the end of an historic struggle in the Dumbocratic Primaries, Senator Barry O has finally secured enough delegates to win the nonimation to be President of Americaland, and Senator Hillary-Billary has concedeed that she will concede… conceivably.

This, as they say – especially if they happen to be Mr Sean in the trailer for the Avengers Movie – is merely the beginning.

Having beaten a lady, now Senator Barry has got to beat an old man*. Gosh, it is a good job he's not got to beat those smart kids from Mr John Barrowboy's quiz show too!


Everyone is saying what a BIG JOB Mr Barry has got to do now.

The Replutocrats are already calling for a string of Presidential Debates and Town Halls all over the country obviously with an eye to running him ragged.

Meanwhile, the Dumbocrats want him to reunite the Party, heal the wounds, redefine his message, open up the attack on the Replutocrats and presumably feed the five-thousand if he's not too busy.

And, if it's not too much trouble, name a VICE-PRESIDENTIAL running mate.

This is all a BIT harsh… give him a weekend off, why don't you!

Actually, picking the Vice-Presidential candidate is a USEFUL way to both heal the party AND send out new messages. So, who are the obvious choices?


#1: Senator Hillary-Billary herself.

A lot of people have focussed on the fact that as a New York Senator, Hillary-Billary doesn't bring a whole lot of STATES with her to the party. But this is slightly overlooking the way that she has campaigned this year, because what she brings is a CONSTITUENCY: in particular the white working class where the Replutocrats are going to campaign hard to paint Barry O as an "elitist". She also has a large and LOYAL following among women voters and, do not forget, nearly half of the Dumbocratic Party DID actually vote for her. Bringing her onboard will be the clearest sign that the Party is united against the Replutocrats. You've really GOT to keep her people on side, and offering her the non-job of the Veep might actually be the LEAST painful thing to promise her. After all, making her Secretary of State or Senate Majority Leader would be handing her real power, rather than the infamous BUCKET OF WARM SPIT.

On the other fluffy foot, she doesn't half come with some BAGGAGE. And the Baggage's name is Billary-Hillary.

#2: Mr John Edwards

The former Senator from South Carolina is other person very obviously GAGGING for the job. On the plus side, he's got a good record on the environment, was the first to run a Carbon-neutral Presidential Campaign, is strongly anti-poverty and pro-choice. And it's always good to have a Southerner on the ticket. To the bad, he is Jimmy Carter dialled up to 11 without the saintly disposition that being a one-term former president seems to have fostered. Besides, after all these months, does anyone even REMEMBER that he was a candidate back in January?


But why stop at the OBVIOUS candidates?

While the Replutocrats will be seeking to neutralise Barry's "Change we can Believe in" message, he – it is suggested – will need to counter the "experience" question. In 1999, Darth Cheney was tasked with picking someone to add intellectual fibre to the Monkey-in-Chief's candidacy. Frankly he could have picked Ms Jade Goody and she would still have contributed a greater awareness of international relations and diplomacy, but of course he infamously chose himself. Assuming Barry O's chief headhunter, merchant banker Mr James A Johnson, doesn't take THAT option, what are his choices?

Well, first there are the Foreign Policy Heavyweights:

#3: General Wesley Snipes [R: Clarke]

As a staunch Hillary-Billary supporter, he could help unite the party. But he's as boring as all heck. Also, in prison for tax evasion [R: er, no, that's the REAL Wesley Snipes].

#4: Senator Joseph Bidet from Delaware

Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, as about as much gravitas as you can get in American politics without actually being MOSES. Ever so SLIGHTLY to his detriment, his OWN campaign for the 2008 nonimation was holed below the waterline when he uttered a GAFFE… about Barry O.

#5: Mr Uncle Sam Nunn

The former senator and Armed Services Committee chairman from Georgia has more recently concentrated on working to try and reduce nuclear and chemical proliferation. Unfortunately he also ruled himself out of running as ANYONE'S vice.


But remember that Barry O's early SUCCESSES came when he was moving to the CENTRE, while Hillary-Billary was tacking to the base and attacking the incumbent Monkey-in-Chief.

The BI-PARTISAN candidates, then, would be:

#6: Mr Michael Bloomberg, billionaire Mayor of New York, who recently met our very own BoJo the Clown and said: "I'll have fries with that."

#7: Mr Charles "Chuck" Hagel, the Replutocratic Senator from Nebraska with strong anti-war stance. It would certainly stick one on nose for the Replutocrats to woo away a close friend of the Senator from Arizona.

But seriously, does anyone believe that this is going to happen?


Of course there's quite a lot of Washington INSIDERS and in particular SENATORS on that list so far. For some reason, Senators don't tend to do well in national elections, particularly when the REPLUTOCRATS are playing the ELITISM card (so every time).

You might be better off looking at the list of State Governors. Currently 28 out of 50 States have Dumbocrats in charge, (but that doesn't rule out FORMER Governors too).

The CONVENTIONAL WISDOM is that being a Governor, particularly a Governor from the South – like President Billary-Hillary was – can help to swing swing States. And not just their own, but across a whole region.

Key figures would include:

#8: Mr Ed Rendell, Governor of Pennsylvania
#9: Mr Ted Strickland, Governor of Ohio

These Clinton-gang supporting governors helped keep Hillary-Billary in the race when Barry O failed to win their States, and it is considered crucial that he take back in particular the so-called Rust Belt where she played to packed houses.

On the other fluffy foot, he might choose to reward…

#10: Mr Tim Kring [R: Kaine], Governor of Virginia and creator of TV superhero story Heroes [R: again, er, no].

He was one of Mr Barry's earliest backers and could help capitalize on that state's Dumbocratic swing

Finally, coming back to the idea of CONSTITUENCIES being more important than GEOGRAPHY in this election, some people are angling to re-connect to the Hillary-Billary supporters by having a WOMAN on the ticket, and the top tip there is:

#11: Ms Kathleen Sebelius, Governor of Kansas

Thought to be a RISING STAR (oops, that's jinxed her!) with a good record of successfully negotiating a tricky, often-Repultocratic state but has yet to make a national impact. Think of her as Barry O four years ago.

The OTHER crucial element of the Clinton-Coalition was the Hispanic vote, who are often said to be more loyal and more likely to turn out than other sections of the community. So rounding out our dozen we have:

#12: Governor Bill Richardson, New Mexico

Was a low key candidate himself but dropped out early before the long, long walk to the National Convention in Denver. May be a bit of a DARK HORSE candidate… or may just have no support.


Of course, the chances are that Barry O will pick NONE of these, and will surprise everyone with an outsider. Which the media will then greet as his first campaign blunder (since the last one).

And then he’s only got to be the Replutocrat nonimee. Whoever THAT is!



*Senator Oven-Chip… anyone remember him? Apparently he's been the Replutocratic nonimee for some months now and has celebrated this by, er, having a light nap.

Mr God bless Amnesia