...a blog by Richard Flowers

Friday, June 06, 2008

Day 2712: Bye Bye BoJo


BoJo the Clown has officially "taken the Chiltern Hundreds".

That's actually just Parliamentary SLANG, the Parliamentary language for saying: "I quit". The Law (by which I mean the Act of Settlement) says that you cannot be an MP and hold an "office of profit" (of which there are two) working for Mrs the Queen. I know that the ACTUAL office of Crown Steward and Bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds is held by Lord Blairimort at the moment, and BoJo has ACTUALLY taken the other one… the Telegraph Hundreds-of-Thousands.

(Okay, he's REALLY the Crown Steward of the Manor of Northstead, if you REALLY want to know, the office previously held by the entirely un-twisty-turny Mr Peter Mandlebrot.)

Before leaving, BoJo was CHASTISED by Mr Speaker of the Housemartin for turning a question to the Prime Monster into an ADVERTISING FEATURE for all of the SPLENDID things that his flunkies he has achieved since going on holiday to Turkey taking up his mayoral duties.

By terminating the deal for fuel with Venezuela he has increased travel costs for the poor; and by banning alcohol on the tube he has provoked a drunken riot at Liverpool Street. A Conservatory record of delivery that the Bullingdon Club would be proud of.

Incidentally, Prime Monster's Questions was also where Mr Balloon chose to try out his rather horrid new HAIR-DO.

The Grauniad suggests that his old left-to-right-to-left parting may have been a sign of FLIP-FLOPPING and he has now found his MIDDLE WAY, while the Metro this morning thought that Mr Balloon was trying to look more like Mr Clogg!

You will have to judge for yourselves:

Liberal Democrat – Hair Apparent
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Conservatory – Split down the Middle
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BoJo's much delayed decision to do as he promised means that there WILL be a by-election in Henley, Thame and South Oxfordshire after all.

TRAGICALLY, the Conservatories have decided NOT to establish a REVERSE-DYNASTY by ruling out BoJo's daddy, StoJo the Clown.

Instead they have picked Tubbs from the Local Shop Mr John Howler, already accused by the Greens as being more gaffe prone than BoJo over his over-egged claims to be the only local candidate for local people.

(Funnily enough, getting caught telling a FIB is one of the job interview ELEPHANT-TRAPS that the ALIEN SPACE LIZARDS on the Apprentice fell into on this week's penultimate show!)

Liberal Democrat Stephen Kearney has already been working hard in the constituency, and is being helped by many Lib Dems including Mr Clogg and – more importantly – this Sunday: ME!

I shall be interviewing Mr Stephen for my diary and then lending a fluffy foot with the deliveries.

Come along and help out too!

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