...a blog by Richard Flowers

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Day 2249: Mr Frown applies for Citizenship


Mr Frown has decided that he should VOLUNTEER to do some COMMUNITY SERVICE before he can be a citizen of Middle England.

We all know that he is particularly PARANOID about being seen to be an ALIEN MIGRANT (well, Scottish, anyway), but this is still awfully generous of him. I hope that we will soon see him cleaning the graffiti off the back of the Treasury, or sweeping up the litter in Whitehall.

Today is an especially good day to volunteer, as the Conservatories have just proposed a special police force to keep him out of the country!

This seems to come back to playing politics with nationality.

Personally, I do not REALLY understand what all of this fuss about nationality is about anyway. The Scottish Nasty Party keep on insisting that all the woes of Scotland are down to the wicked English and everything would be much better if only they had independence. It seems to me that things in Scotland are actually BETTER now than they are in England – thanks in no small part to the Liberal Democrats having a share in government – and the Scottish Nasty Party do not know a good thing when they're onto one.

The people of Scotland have their own Parliament to determine Scottish issues, and also get to share in the government of the whole of Britain too. This seems to be an ABUNDANCE of self-determination, and for some strange reason one that the Scottish Nasty Party would like to TAKE AWAY!

Is it not better to all share in working together, rather than putting up unnecessary barriers? (And border posts!) As Liberal Democrat Mr Danny Alexander (NOT Daddy Alexander) says:

"Nationalism is about building up barriers between people – Liberalism is about breaking those barriers down."

Of course, if you DO want border posts then claymore-wielding Scots Nasty leader Mr Salmon and St George-flag-wrapped toff Mr Balloon are in agreement. Besides, Hadrian's Wall might give Mr Balloon's border cops a place to stand!

The Conservatories know that their great WEAKNESS is that they only really get support from a small bit of England these days. But because they are DEVIOUS and CLEVER, they think that they can turn this WEAKNESS into an ADVANTAGE by pretending that they are supporting the "poor put-upon English" against the "terrible tyranny of the Scots".

(This is VERY IRONIC, since it was the terrible tyranny of the Conservatories under Mrs Thatcher that made most Scots want to have their own parliament in the first place!)

In particular, the Conservatories think that they can make Mr Frown UNPOPULAR by trying to paint a picture of him as an UNLOVELY FOREIGN INTERLOPER, who can only gain power over the oppressed peoples of England with the unfair support of those Scottish MPs.

This is of course NONSENSE. Mr Frown is ALREADY unpopular, because he is Mr Stealth Tax and Mr I'll-Stick-with-Lord-Blairimort-even-though-I-hate-him-as-much-as-everyone-else.

Making an issue of his Scottishness is just playing dirty and dangerous!

Having said that, Mr Frown could really help himself by not playing into their TRAP. It is silly to try and pretend that you are more ENGLISH than SCOTTISH, Mr Frown – everyone can tell that you are a Scotsman as soon as you open you mouth.

Trying to pretend that you are some kind of turn-the-immigrants-away supporter of the British Nasty Party is EVEN WORSE. It only exaggerates the worst sort of prejudices. Remember that Britain is a GREAT COUNTRY that WELCOMES people from all over the world and greatly benefits from their contribution and commitment. The very fact they've made the effort to GET HERE should count very strongly in their favour, and that they are often times willing to do the hard work, poorly paid, that people born British take for granted but don't want to do for themselves! That's a COMMUNITY SERVICE already.

So stop it.

English people will be perfectly happy with a Scottish Prime Minister so long as you treat us all fairly. That means addressing people's concerns about the DEMOCRATIC DEFICIT – not saying that your favourite footballer is GAZZA.

Mr Balloon's idea of FIRST and SECOND CLASS MPs is a real STINKER. The Minister for Magical Accidents managed to make a right old pig's ear of REGIONAL GOVERNMENT and rather put people off the idea.

Perhaps there would be some mileage in having elected Mayors in towns and Sheriffs in the shires to bring local power back to the people.

Anyway, what people want to hear is that you are LISTENING to them, Mr Frown, not trying to IMPERSONATE them.

I would say that Mr Frown was his own WORST ENEMY... were it not for Lord Blairimort… and Mr Millstone… and Mr Safety Elephant Clarkeand Mr Millipede… and three-hundred-and-fifty other names I could mention if I had a directory of the Parliamentary Labour Party to my fluffy foot.

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