...a blog by Richard Flowers

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Day 2221: All Bets Are Off


"There IS no secret second e-mail system at Number Ten. And anyway, we don't have the passwords to use it!"

Oh dear, and the Downing Street Spin Machine (washes whites white than white[*]!) was doing so WELL in denying all of the latest allegations about Lord Blairimort and the Robes for Riches scandal.

And then the police only go and arrest Lord Levy again!

Mr "Mate-of-Dave" Robinson, the BBC's resident ambassador from Sky News, has said that Lord Blairimort was SPITTING TACKS to hear that his partner in crime tennis is back in the slammer.

But then, my Daddy Alex has already taken the time to explain just why the Labour are so surprised that the law might actually apply to them.

It is OBVIOUS what happened. Last time he was nicked, Lord Levy dobbed in Lord Blairimort rather than face the beak himself. But, when Inspector Yates trolls round to Number Ten, Lord B plays his "get out of gaol free, I'm the Prime Minister dontchaknow" card and the cops are left with nothing. So now, they're back to Lord Levy to charge him with wasting their time!

The newspapers are all full of it. And tales of Lord Blairimort too!

Over the weekend, stories emerged that there was a document on which Lord Blairimort himself in his own hand had written:

"Yes… all right… it was I… I did it… I sold all those fat cats… fat peerages… in return for secret loans… and I loved doing it! Never mind the money! Just the feel of the ermine… it was enough… to send me wild! Confessional forehead… penitential handwriting… I'd-do-it-all-again-in-an-instant swivel eyed drool!"

The Prime Ministers press office has complained that it is VERY UNFAIR that they cannot answer back to all these rumours and leaks that MUST be coming from the police.

A claim completely backed up by the total and abject lack of quiet from such Downing Street Stooges Upright and Independent figures as Culture Secretary Ms Tessa Jowell, Labour Peer Lord Putnam, disgraced Security Blunket, David Blanket and ex-Downing Street aide Lance Price.

All of them have maintained a dignified silence and not at all complained loudly to anyone who will listen about the police's tactics and (by an AMAZING coincidence) "theatricality". How ASTONISHING that they all came up with the same word! Not to use. Obviously.

Political opinion is divided, with opposite position taken by the Leader of the Opposition… and that bloke from the Conservatories.

"Time to go!" says Mr Balloon. So, only three days later than Sir Mr the Merciless, there.

"Wait for the facts," says Mr Frown, "and THEN lynch him!" adds the Prime Minister in waiting, who is clearly still hoping to get Lord Blairimort to take the blame for at least a couple more home office fiascos and an electoral disaster come May.

"When is he going to realise it is all over?" Mr Balloon wanted to know. Well, possibly when you stop supporting his daft policies you flip-flopping fop!

"I believe when people see the full facts then they will be satisfied," said Mr Frown, and that's as good as a promise that Lord Blairimort will be seeing the inside of Wormwood Scrubs. I cannot think of any other way that Mr Frown will be fully satisfied, can you?

Mind you, I think the most significant development is that all the reporting is now describing Lord Blairimort as "having promised to go by September". September! After the "dignified departure in the Spring" scenario, the "leading the party to a last election in May" scenario, the "a final European Summit in June" scenario we now appear to be on to the "hanging on by our fingertips until conference" scenario.

Just you wait: Lord Blairimort will be announcing the cancellation of the Labour Conference soon – he said it was his last conference as leader. More fool them if they thought he meant he wouldn't be leader in a year!

[*] white lie – obviously there can be no white wash in the White Ten Downing Street.

As you probably all know, I did NOT win my bid to host the new SUPER CASINO.

This is a BIG shame, as I had some very nice BUNNY costumes for my Daddies to wear while serving the free NON-ALCOHOLIC punch!

Congratulations must go instead to the SURPRISE winner: Personchester.

Personally, I am more sorry for Blackpool who, in the spirit of the whole enterprise, had so much riding on getting the casino. I suppose there is a lesson for us there: the more desperate you are to win, the less you should put into gambling.

I shall, of course, be putting the Magical Minister's cowboy outfit on eBay!

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