It has been suggested that the UKPnuts party are to change their name in order to split from the UK. Yes, they are to become just Nuts.
No, no, no. Their leader, Mr Nigel Farago – soon to be know as Gil Rago – has denied everything.
"His s ot rue" he said. "T s _ issue f ies. E re ot osing ny etters rom he tart f ur ords.[*]"
Speaking of the lunatic fringe, Mr Edward Vivian Leigh might be able to understand Mr Farago's message. Certainly, he is talking the same language here in the Evening Standard, and seizing the opportunity to declare his own desire for Independence from Mr Balloon.
Referring to the latest run of opinion polls, Mr Vivian protested:
"Why after a year of his leadership are we only one point ahead of where we were at the start?"
This is VERY UNFAIR to Mr Balloon. The Conservatories have been doing LOTS better than they did at the last general election, thanks to all of the innovative ways that Mr Balloon has found not to say anything at all for the last year. And just as soon as he can think of a new stunt to get himself in front of the cameras they are bound to bounce back up again.
But I suspect that Mr Vivian DOES NOT REALLY WANT THAT! Gosh, shocking! No, he wants Mr Balloon to HAVE to follow the old failed Conservatory strategy of "Be Nice to Tombstone". Mr Vivian's not very coded message is "Or else!"
The irony is that with up to FORTY barking mad Thatcher-worshippers behind him, Mr Vivian would be able to make things VERY TRICKY for Mr Balloon if ever the warm leather of the government benches was to beckon. You think that Mr Frown is going to have it tricky with HIS rebels!
Well, actually, yes, he really really is, but they're still in the infant school compared to Mr Vivian's mob, all graduates of the Maastricht school of making trouble. They first got a taste for blood back in the dying days of Mr Minor's last Conservatory government. So we already know they're not about putting their own interests above that of the party. Let alone those of the country!
This is, I believe, what they call a WARNING SHOT across the bow.
On the other fluffy foot, it could be just what Mr Balloon is after – a chance to really crush his own version of the militant tendency.
So long as he doesn't lose 20% of his party to UKPNuts, of course!
[*] try using a T, I, N and T; an I, I, A, T and L; and a W, A, N, L, A, L, F, T, S, O, O and W.
Commentators are said to be calling on Mr Ronnie Barker to try and make some sense out of this. Which frankly would be a first time for the Nuts!