Day 2628: Sooty's Budget: Izzy Whizzy Let's… not do anything

Wednesday:


Today's BIG news was, obviously, the GREEN LIGHT for latest in the long-running and much-loved series of Carry On Films.

But never mind THAT, we have the long-running and NOT much-loved Whitehall Farce to talk about instead.

It's funny how Sooty's budget seems to have fallen through the news agenda like a grey cloud through a sieve. The reason that it's become OLD NEWS so fast is that everyone knew what was in it because Mr Frown presented it all LAST year, so that – if things had gone to plan – we'd now be four weeks from a General Election.


Of course, even if things HADN'T got a bit ahead of themselves last Autumn, the plan didn't ever involve going to the country against a background of imminent American recession and consequent global economic implosion.

The main impact of the budget is, you will remember, the abolition of the starting rate of tax, raising tax from the lowest earners to pay for a tax cut in the basic rate for the better off.

I'll just remind you of that again: Mr Frown robbed the poor to pay to the rich.

The extra "help" for the less well off that Sooty offered in return amounts to little more than shaking a finger at the energy companies and saying "play nice!"

Similarly, the Chancellor's idea of tackling green issues is to wheedle at the supermarkets: "pleeeeese sort out the plastic bags problem!"

"It's been a cop-out on Green issues," said Mr Clogg.

Meanwhile, Sooty's extra "fun" taxes – on cigarettes and alcohol and cars – are all SMALL BEER (or cheroots or Smart cars), designed to do no more than plug a few of the gaps in the accounts. They're certainly NOT going to be an efficient way of changing anybody's behaviour.

I suppose you know what ELASTICITY of DEMAND means? That is, when you can stretch the price quite a LOT before people start looking somewhere else for their goodies. Alcohol, tobacco and petrol are all pretty darned elastic – choosing to do without them is a lot of trouble for people so mostly they just grimace and pay up.

But even if that WASN'T the case, you still have to think about what kind of CHOICE you are giving people. And in Sooty's case, it's no choice at all. Instead of a Green Tax Switch, giving people BACK their own money so that they can then SAVE it if they make the right green choices, Sooty is just ADDING to the tax burden.


So, given that Mr Frown wrote most of the Budget a year in advance, and that the rather dicey economy leaves no room for cutting taxes or increasing spending, and the fact that all the government credit cards are already maxed out… was there really nothing that Sooty could have done?

Well, and this is a clue, Master Gideon Osborne doesn't think so.

Rather oddly, he spent most of the week proclaiming that the Conservatories would match the Labour's taxing and spending plans… and at the same time saying that all Sooty's predictions were wrong and that things were much worse than the Treasury were claiming.

Which of course OUGHT to have begged the question: if you think that the economy is in a worse state than the Chancellor says, then HOW can you afford to match his tax and spend plans? If you say there is a BLACK HOLE in his plans… doesn't that mean there is a much BIGGER one in YOURS?

The Treasury really DOES have a record of being quite GOOD at predicting how well the economy is going to grow. Where they are RUBBISH is at working out how much more tax this means they are going to collect, and that means there is a shortfall every time and THAT is why borrowing keeps jumping ahead of predictions.

And that is going to be a problem for Sooty, because one of the government's "rules" is that they are NOT to borrow more than 40% of the Country's Gross Domestic Product.

Which is why ALARM bells ought to be ringing loudly at the news that Sooty intends to be borrowing a total of 39.8% of GDP by 2010.

This isn't just SKATING on thin ice… this is taking a POGO STICK out there and jumping up and down while DARING the ice to break!

There is every likelihood that we'll find ourselves with an even BIGGER borrowing requirement, though – being the Labour – they'll probably just change the rules at the last minute and claim they've not broken them.

It would all be a lot easier if Mr Frown hadn't ALREADY borrowed so much money to fill in the gaps between his spending SPLURGE and the revenue he was receiving.

Of course, young Master Gideon was all over that one too, criticising Mr Frown for not saving in the GOOD years now that we face the LEAN ones. Obviously, this would have been more credible if he'd been saying that AT THE TIME.

They really SHOULD have taken some advice from Mr Vince.
Our Dr Vince "the Power" Cable has been warning for YEARS that borrowing – personal debt as well as the government's – was spiralling out of control and that there was great danger of the banking sector getting itself mired in trouble through runaway greed.

But if Sooty is saying he'll do nothing, and Gideon is saying there's nothing that can be done, is that REALLY the case?

Of course not.

There are plenty of ways that you can improve the tax system while still remaining broadly neutral in the amount of tax that you raise. Mr Vince has thought up lots of them!

The most obvious method is to shift the burden of tax from the less well off to the super rich, and to move the tax you raise from Income to Green Taxes. You can make the tax system FAIRER so that people at the bottom end are not paying a higher percentage of their income in taxes than the people at the very top. And making the Green Tax Switch puts the power to help the planet into people's hands and rewards them for making good choices.

You can also SIMPLIFY the tax system – close all the loopholes that let very rich people pay very little tax on their property wealth, raise allowances so people pay less tax on their income at the bottom end and do away with the insanely complicated Tax Credits that take people's money and give it back to them and then take it away AGAIN because the Revenue overestimated how much they were supposed to give back.

In fact, giving people an income tax cut can help to stimulate demand in the economy, especially if people go out spending money on new environmentally friendly replacement goods.

And that's why it is such a CRYING SHAME that the news don't want to talk about the budget anymore, just because the Tweedle-Tories have a JOINT policy of SHAN'T and CAN'T.

We need a BETTER ANSWER than "can't be done". We need a RADICAL and REFORMING budget. We need the Liberal Democrats!

Day 2627: Please Do NOT Swear!

Tuesday:


I will do my best to do my duty to Mr God and Mrs the Queen…

(namely to tell you that HE's not real and SHE deserves to retire quietly.)

and to obey the Law

(except the bit about I.D.iot cards, obviously);

To help BLAME other people at all times

(In particular the government, kids today, the foreigners, the BBC, the gay daddies for getting married, or just plain Political Correctness Gone Maaaaaaad!) ;

To keep myself physically strong

(subject to Health and Safety),

mentally awake

(subject to Unintelligent Design),

and morally straight

(you have GOT to be kidding).


© the government department of whingeing about the weather, cussing the congestion charge and swearing stupid pointless Oaths of Allegiance.

Day 2626: New Seven Deadly Sins

Monday:


Hello Pope-pickers and welcome to "Top of the Nots" with the all new Vatican Hit List.

Der dahh dahh de de derrr…

At seven… it's out with "Lust" and in with "Violation of fundamental rights of human nature": catchy title, crazy sin! Call me cynical but this just sounds like a scratch mix of the old tune "no to abortion, no to gay marriage" covered with a crude sample of fundamental rights to mean the exact opposite. Never mind freedom of the individual… burn, baby, burn!

At six… it's a new entry for "Morally debatable experiments". Seems a bit harsh to roast in hell for eternity if the experiment was "debatable" to me, but that's the Pope for you – his idea of a debate means you listen when he excommunicates you.

At five… it's a rise of one place for "Gluttony", now trading under the name of "Drug trafficking and consumption". But when cannabis brownies are less harmful than communion wine which drugs? Harder to argue with heroin, though, but it does seem to put the sinners though hell in this world without waiting for the next. What happened to Christian Compassion?

At four… turning the Old Testament number two "Envy" on its head we have a new entry for "Inflicting poverty". This also knocks old "Sloth" out of the charts; I guess we just couldn't be bothered to keep that one in, eh! And there's no place in the new list for the one sin I really would call DEADLY: "Anger" – I guess that doing violence against people (unless it's economic violence) just isn't sexy any more.

At three… it's another riser, up two places for the old classic "Avarice" with "Accumulating excessive wealth". Of course all those old sins always had the loophole of "excessive" built in – love is good, but too much love (of food, or money or other people) is BAAAAD because apparently it's taking away your love for Mr God. So, excessive love of imaginary friends then, where does that go?

Moving on…

At two… falling this week, it's a cover version of "Playing God" for the old-time "Pride" with "Genetic manipulation" showing that once again the ol' Mother Church is setting her face against progress in Science.

But that means we have a new number one and it's…

At one… a new entry for Gaia and the sin of "Environmental pollution". Never let it be said that the Catholics can't spot a new band (wagon)!

So there you have it, hipsters, a new top seven and a new number one.

Those old sins lasted for a thousand years; will anyone remember the new ones in a week? Tune in again next time to find out, PLUS hear if there's be a new entry for Richard Dawkins and the Doubters with "Ain't Necessarily So"!


…der dahh dahh de de derrr… dum dum dum derrrrrr.

Day 2625: Mysteries of Doctor Who #15: What the TRUNK is going on at Dr Who's Trial? (The Third One)

Sunday:


We spent Sunday chatting with Mr Nick… NO, not THAT Mr Nick... THIS Mr Nick! (I'll be chatting to t'other one soon though!)

We were talking Doctor Who!

Now, as you all remember, Dr Who was ALWAYS getting put on trial by his own people, the Time Lords. The first time was in "The War Games" when they caught up with Mr Dr Pat; the second time was in "The Deadly Assassin" when Mr Dr Tom gets framed for murrrrrrrder*; but the really really biggie is of course "The Trial of a Time Lord". Three guesses WHICH Time Lord!

[*only if Castellan Spangle had been played by Mr Mark McManus!]

Dr Who is dragged out of Time to meet Mrs the Inquisitor (aka the Oxo Mum) and Dr Valeyard who is VERY cross-patchy and keeps insisting that Dr Who deserves to be EXECUTED. And to prove it he shows some of Dr Who's most deadly dull adventures.

To cut a long story short, it SEEMS to turn out that Dr Valeyard is REALLY Dr Who from the FUTURE gone EVIL, and he has faked all the evidence in order to get his earlier self's lives.

Or does it?

Because… well… there are some things that are really rather ODD about all this, even if you can ACCEPT Mrs Oxo in a funny hat as a top Time Lady.

You see, the obvious problem is that the evidence is all presented the WRONG WAY AROUND.

Let's imagine how it MIGHT have been…

Mr Tat, in About Time 6, has a jolly good idea that ACTUALLY not only Dr Valeyard, but also Mrs Oxo, the Supreme Court, the High Council and all of this come from Dr Who's FUTURE.

Think about it: on the OTHER occasions when Dr Who meets himself – especially "The Three Doctors" and "The Five Doctors" – there are USUALLY Time Lords involved and they ALWAYS come from the same era as the LATEST Dr Who. i.e. the Time Lords have the power to reach BACKWARDS in Time along Dr Who's life and grab his earlier selves.

(Mr Tat also argues that this would make more sense of "The Two Doctors" if it is the Time Lords of Mr Dr Colin's time who have made a deal with Mr Dr Pat to be their unofficial ambassador, what with the Time Lords of Mr Dr Pat's time supposedly not being able to FIND him!)

Of course that is breaking the FIRST LAW of TIME™ (except when the "First Law" gets changed to being "interference"). But they CAN do it in emergencies.

Hence if Dr Valeyard is from Dr Who's future then ALL of the Trial is from Dr Who's future.

(This would also explain why Mrs Oxo tells Mr Dr Colin that he isn't President of the High Council any more – because in HER time, in HIS future he has been deposed, possibly by this Trial – while Mr Dr Sylv seems to think that he still IS President-Elect of the High Council of Gallifrey, Keeper of the Legacy of Rassilon, Bestest Buddy of the Hand of Omega and all-round Top Banana of the Universe.)

Mind you, all this hangs on the idea that Dr Valeyard is a FUTURE incarnation of Dr Who.

What I'm NOT going to do is go into that old business of whose faces do we see in "The Brain of Morbius", because that would mean explaining that they AREN'T Morbius's (he is WINNING the Brain Fight) but in fact "earlier" faces of Dr Who going back before Mr Dr Billy. We see eight faces, which means that Mr Dr Tom isn't the FOURTH Dr Who but the TWELFTH. Remember that this is the top team of Hinchcliffe and Holmes and they want to SHAKE UP the continuity, and of course they're going to say (in "The Deadly Assassin") that Time Lords only GET thirteen lives, so they're trying to make it all seem a lot more DANGEROUS (and therefore DRAMATIC!) for Dr Who, what with him only having ONE LIFE LEFT. But of course that makes Mr Dr Peter the THIRTEENTH Dr Who… so it is THE WATCHER who comes "somewhere between your twelfth and final incarnation" as Mr the Master puts it; and perhaps if Dr Watcher is the GOOD half of Dr Who then – like some horrible Star Trek effect – Dr Valeyard is the EVIL half split off. That would be why Mr Dr Peter doesn't expect to regenerate ("is this death?" he asks) and thinks it "feels different this time". It might even be why Mr Dr Colin is so, er, unstable, not to mention rather surprised at even being alive at all, and of course, why Dr Valeyard would want to claim Mr Dr Colin's lives (since if he WAS from the future he'd have had those lives already and nicking them would mean disappearing up his own TEMPORAL ANOMALY). But I'm NOT going to mention any of that. No, everyone can SAFELY assume that The Giggling One is counting Mr Dr Billy as Dr Who Number 1, Mr Dr Pat as Dr Who Number 2 and so on, up to Mr Dr Colin: he is Number 6 – Mr Dr Pat is the new number 2. Who is number 1? No, I'm getting confused… Dr Valeyard comes from the FUTURE.


So, Dr Valeyard has them grab Mr Dr Colin by the Time Tunnels and yank him forwards in time to their Massive Space Station Effect Shot™. Dr Who is confused and wants to know what's happened to Peri, but Dr Valeyard says:

"Ah ha! You are a criminal! We here in the future know that you are going to commit GENOCIDE, and in order to PREVENT that happening we have taken you out of time."

And then Dr Valeyard is the one who shows us "Terror of the Vervoids" (an adventure from Mr Dr Colin's future wherein he exterminates an artificial race of embarrassing flowers). Because that is GOOD evidence for the Prosecution (and it doesn't make any sense for Mr Dr Colin to show that if he gets let go he's going to go on a Rampage of Slaughter™!).

Instead, Mr Dr Colin demands that the Time Lords reveal what has happened to Peri, and so Dr Valeyard gloatingly shows "Mindwarp", revealing that Dr Who betrayed his companion and it lead to her getting killed!

But Mr Dr Colin does not BELIEVE that, so he starts to think that the evidence against him is being FAKED. He then does some research and thinks that he can show that the Matrix has been HACKED – and that is when he shows us "The Mysterious Planet" (which isn't very "Mysterious" really: see Mysteries of Dr Who #1!). Because THIS is great for the Defence's case: not only does it demonstrate that the Matrix can be broken into and tampered with, it also proves that Dr Who managed to (yet again) save the ENTIRE UNIVERSE.

But the VITAL evidence has been bleeped out by the High Council, and Dr Who cannot prove that his version is true without witnesses… which leads nicely into "The Ultimate Foe" where Mr the Master turns up and reveals what Dr Valeyard has been doing all along!


Except, of course, that ISN'T what happened AT ALL. In fact it is Dr Valeyard who presents the case that blows open the High Council's conspiracy while Dr Who is the one to prove himself going-to-be-guilty of genocide.

Which is just plain NUTS!

So, the only possible explanation is that both sides in the Trial are TRYING TO LOSE!

Dr Who, obviously, wants to lose because he is doing what he usually does which is to walk into the villain's plans and spring their traps so that he can work out what is going on and then stop them by being terribly clever. Here, he thinks that Dr Valeyard is the villain, so he wants to get convicted 'cos that will spring Dr Valeyard's trap.

EXCEPT… who says that Dr Valeyard IS the villain?

The answer is that it is… Mr the Master. Because he's ALWAYS been a reliable witness, hasn't he. As Mr Dr Colin himself says: "Now I really AM in trouble!"

Now admittedly Dr Valeyard does dress up in BLACK all the time, and SNARLS at Dr Who and argues with him (though really when DON'T two different versions of Dr Who argue with each other?) and is really, really MEAN a lot. But isn't all that a bit OVER THE TOP? A little bit OVER-ACTED? Almost like this is Dr Who PRETENDING to be a villain because hammy and over-the-top is what he thinks villains are LIKE? Again, Mr Dr Colin reminds himself: he's never been able to resist the Grand Guignol.

But, let's face it, doesn't Dr Valeyard try to KILL a lot of people? Well, DOES he? Because it seems that his total body count by the end of the story is, er, nil.

(Unless he's bumped off the Keeper of the Matrix, but that might have been him all along anyway!)

For all that he throws exploding quills at Mr the Master, launches a harpoon at Mr Glitz (stopped by his patent Postideon Life Preserver) and later tries to shoot him, and variously tries to drown, incinerate, gas and quicksand Dr Who, he actually manages not to kill ANY of them.

In fact, that attempt to shoot Mr Glitz is particularly telling: Mr Tat includes is as a "thing that does not make sense" because they are in the Matrix, where what Dr Valeyard THINKS is what controls reality. So it shouldn't MATTER that Mr Glitz secretly removes the round from his pistol – so long as Dr Valeyard THINKS that the gun is still loaded it should still be lethal. Unless, of course Dr Valeyard DOESN'T WANT it to be lethal.

OK, you say, that's all very well, but what about the enormous great DEATH TRAP that Dr Valeyard has built, his "particle disseminator" (or "megabyte modem" as Mel thinks it to be – clearly the Matrix can't get broadband).

But once again, I have to say, are you SURE that Dr Valeyard is the one who built it? Because if it is, it does seem very odd that he stands there giving his earlier self cryptic clues as to what it is – "disseminate the news" – rather than just pulling the "kill everyone now" lever.


Therefore, this is what seems more LIKELY to me:

Dr Valeyard, the future Dr Who, knows that the High Council of Gallifrey has gotten corrupt to the point where they are casually wiping out civilisations like the Earth just to keep their dirty secrets secret. But in order to EXPOSE them he needs to get into the Matrix to find the evidence (and/or the leak). So he PRETENDS to be an evil version of himself, just the sort of person that they might cosy up to, in order to INFILTRATE their conspiracy.

Then, under cover of putting his earlier self on Trial, he ACTUALLY broadcasts the truth about Ravalox to the Court.

Only the High Council have got a BACK-UP PLAN – a dirty great death-o-gram built into the back of the Matrix screen so that if Mrs Oxo and the court learn too much then can all be disseminated back to their constituent particles. Dr Valeyard finds the disseminator but can't remember how his earlier self HORLICKS-ED it up… but remembers that he DID, so he stands their quipping out clues until Mr Dr Colin is provoked into spanner-ing the works and saving the day.


But if we're assuming that this IS all from the future, then the other REALLY interesting question is HOW FAR into the future do Dr Valeyard, Mrs Oxo and the Trial come from?

Funnily enough, we HAVE seen a Gallifrey that descended into corruption and badness… in Mr "Mad" Larry's "Book of the War". In that future War, where Mr Dr Paul bumps into Faction Paradox and the rest, years of fighting against the (** cough cough ** Daleks ** cough cough **) enemy have made the High Council, er, somewhat brutal and pragmatic. Oh, and after having him all captured, there's a sudden revolution and they put Mr the Master in charge. Which, also funnily enough, seems to have been referenced in "Last of the Time Lords".

So is it possible that the ONLY bit of the Last Great Time War™ that we have ever seen is ACTUALLY the bit that takes place on the Massive Space Station Effect Shot™ during "The Trial of a Time Lord"?

Day 2624: Healthy Debate

Saturday


So that was Liberal Democrat Spring Conference. This is the FIRST time that I have been there in the Spring – usually Daddy Richard is just too busy – but Liverpool '08 is a SPECIAL YEAR so we made a special effort.

The BIG controversy was SUPPOSED to be the debate on Health Policy. In the end, though, it was as dull as dishwater after washing some particularly dirty dishes. This is NOT to cast aspersions on any of the policy, or on the people who took part, but let's face it, the debate got a little SIDE-TRACKED by the amendments into a discussion about the pros and cons of giving local councils power to run local health trusts.

(To be honest, I thought that there were good points on both sides of that argument: We trust councils with schools and meals on wheels, why not doctors and hospitals? But then people would rather have a locally chosen health board, as one well-deployed bar chart ably demonstrated!)

But the real issue about health is that we have had to admit that we cannot pay for free care for the elderly. This has to be a disappointment, it was a GOOD policy, but we also have to be HONEST and say that Scotland has shown it to be much, much more expensive than we thought. Dr Evan urged us not to send Mr Norman Lamb naked into the fight… actually, and he was speaking as a doctor, he just urged us not to send Mr Norman naked…

Mr Norman himself came on at the end of the debate, with a pale blue shirt that almost matched his – in that light – pale blue hair. "Ooh! It is SUPER-LAMB!" said Daddy. Perhaps the YELLOW background could have been used for CSO to make him FLY! Or possibly just to add some DINOSAURS – that would have livened things up!

(Actually, Daddy Alex was telling everyone at conference how between speeches they should have played "Carry On Abroad" on the big conference screen: you know, the one where they arrive to find that the hotel is only half-built and then the big storm comes along… maybe it wasn't THAT funny…)

So anyway, instead of free care for all, we now have a universal care guarantee to make sure that even the least well-off can be sure of receiving treatment. It is a policy based on fairness, but also one that we can actually hope to deliver.

The policy also introduces the "Patients' Guarantee" (that you can opt to go private if the NHS fails to deliver) and individual care budgets so that patients with mental health problems can take control of their own regime of treatment, all aimed at taking control of money away from Whitehall and returning it to people.

That was a subject that Ms Julia Worth-Her-Weight-In-Goldsworthy talked about in her speech straight after. At the moment, Mr Frown's QUANGOs control more money than the whole of the NHS budget AND the Defence budget added together; more than ALL of the money controlled by accountable, elected councils. Typically, Mr Frown wants to control everything from his desk in Whitehall; while the Conservatories want to control everything from some privatised monopoly. Only WE Liberal Democrats are promising to CULL the QUANGOs and put people back in charge – starting with Health.

Mind you, I thought that the emergency motions – Mr Vince's on nationalising banks and protection for deposits that depositers believe in; Mr Ed's on the need for an inquiry into the whole Extraordinary Rendition business – were much more exciting! It is a shame that everyone had gone by that point.

Anyway, the REAL highlight was going along to the Gender Balance Blogger awards in my NEW RUCKSACK (courtesy of the VERY NICE Mr Brian's campaign to be Mayor of London), where we saw awards for loveliness in blogging go to the VERY lovely Ms Lynne Featherweight, and the VERY lovely Citizen Alix of Mortimer, and the VERY lovely Ms Jo Christie-Smith. HUGS all round.

Alix Blogger and the Goblet of Fire

Oh, and Mr Clogg gave a speech too.

Day 2623: Live from Liverpool

Friday:


It is Spring Conference weekend for us Liberal Democrats, and so My Daddies and I are off to Liverpool.

Your accreditied correspondent

Here we are, in the European City of Culture 2008 - this must be culture out of the window...

the elephant in the (hotel) room

Look! Trains!

Then it is off to Liberal Drinks...

(Do not worry, NO alcohol for me! Yuck!)

I'll have the Nuts, Please!

...to meet fluffy friends old and new!

The Republic of Mortimer provides a warm welcome

...and so does Mr Gladstone.

For SOME reason, most of the discussion is about BEER.

It would seem from what the bloggers told me that it the olden days, when working men would spend up to 27% of their annual earnings on the BOOZE, Great Britain was in a pretty much permanent state of INEBRIATION. So clearly, the problem nowadays is that we are just not drinking ENOUGH! After all, if the Labour and Conservatories are RIGHT and we want to go back to the GOOD OLD DAYS™ then never mind binge drinking... it is all this binge STOPPING that must be causing the problems.

Day 2622: SAVE JODRELL BANK!

Thursday:


This news is OUTRAGEOUS!

Jodrell Bank, Great Britain's FOREMOST astronomical research centre – and a NATIONAL INSTITUTION to boot – is under threat of closure because the government and their Science and Technology Facilities Council quango have decreed that it is of "low priority".

"Low Priortity"! This is the telescope that detected the Sputnik, monitored the Moon landings, discovered pulsars and quasars and now observes distant galaxies.

The UNITED NATIONS is considering recognising Jodrell bank as a WORLD HERITAGE SITE, ranking it alongside the TAJ MAHAL and the PYRAMIDS.

And in 1981 Dr Who used it to save the ENTIRE UNIVERSE!


It needs funding of two-and-a-half million pounds a year to keep going. Now that is a LOT of sticky buns, but it is CHICKEN FEED compared to the sort to big bucks that the government spends. You could fund it for a THOUSAND YEARS on the price of one Middle Eastern Invasion for starters.

The Lovell Telescope, that's the big FAMOUS dish telescope, was completed in 1957 just months ahead of the Russian's launch of Sputnik. It is, even today, the third largest steerable radio-telescope in the world, and when linked via the MERLIN network with the smaller Mark II at Jodrell and five other telescopes across England and Wales, it forms part of the most powerful telescope on the FACE OF THE PLANET, the ONLY telescope capable of matching the Hubble Space Telescope, and like Hubble is used to study distant galaxies.

Eight million pounds has ALREADY been invested in upgrading the network using super-fast optical cabling and they are swamped with requests to have a go from researchers from all over the world, more than twice as many as they have time for.

So not only would it be stupid it would waste a whole lot of money that they've already spent.


This is a dumb decision, but worse than that there is real concern that the period for consultation is too short for any serious case to be made.

Don't just take MY word for it, the Royal Society of Astronomers says so too.

For years the government has made excuses for not getting more involved in space programmes by saying that we are committed to astronomy and robot missions. Well it seems we are going to surrender our position as world leaders in science and give up on even LOOKING at the Stars.

It is an OUTRAGE!

PS:

Daddy says that I must declare an interest. My Granddaddy Eric works there hosting the Planetarium Show. He is very good and almost as fluffy as me!

Day 2621: TOYCHWUD: A Day in the Death

Wednesday:


Yes, that's a surprise; I bet you thought you'd have to wait until next week for the next review, didn't you!

Writer Joe Lidster has come up from the Big Finish Audios, beginning with "The Rapture" for Sylvester McCoy in 2002, gaining acclaim for "Master", again with Sylv, and then "Terror Firma" with Paul McGann facing Davros and the Daleks. He's also contributed a couple of "Sapphire and Steel"s. Moving to BBC Wales, he's worked on the Doctor Who website and finally been given a chance to write for television. And this is the best thing he's written yet.

Suicide and obsession with death are themes that have informed much of his work, particularly the first of his "Sapphire and Steel" stories. So he's the perfect writer to take Owen through his death. And the framing device of this story, Maggie Hopely ready to jump from the roof of a Cardiff car park and Owen explaining his life to her, is very Joe. It lends a non-linear aspect to the story: Owen telling it in flashback but not necessarily in order and cutting back to what may be the "present" moment, and flashback within flashback – as Owen drifts off while Tosh talks – even crossing dialogue from "then" to "now".

It's less a whole story, more a collage of character moments, strung together on Owen's stream of conscious. So we see all of Owen's reasons to give up: Jack relives him of his status, and his job goes to Martha, even though she doesn't want it (Martha leaves Torchwood this week; she's got this good scene early on with Owen, and a snog from Jack before leaving, but otherwise it seems that she was hardly here). And, to Owen's obvious envy, Ianto's life is coming together just as his own is falling entirely apart; and he can't even work the coffee machine or get the coffee order right.

Then there are the powerful scenes between Tosh and Owen, as she babbles and he drifts off; as he snaps back to reality and screams at her; and as they are reconciled to his death and undeath.

It's done with clever direction as well. A lot of the episode uses silent montage, letting the music and Burn Gorman's facial expression carry the moment, and it works very successfully. Own staring into his fridge, Owen staring into space, Owen screaming into the waters of Cardiff bay.

It's nice too that they don't try any "zombie" make up for him – there's just a nice moment with the lighting near to the end where Owen sits with Tosh and the light on him is blue and on her is yellow.

That musical score is very beautiful (except Owen's own taste in music which is suitably nihilistic) and transparently evokes the emotions it wants you to feel, the descending theme of tragedy as Owen stalks Henry Parker's house in particular.

Richard Briars appearance as Henry Parker is less of a guest staring role, more of a meaty cameo. And it's a nice excuse to use an old publicity still for the briefing scene. But he plays it beautifully, not Tom Goode but King Lear: bitter and railing against the darkness just as Owen rails against continuing to exist. It's just the pair of them in a long scene, almost no action and one glowing prop, yet it's still most affecting.

Minor quibble: Owen says that Parker dies because he has no breath for mouth-to-mouth. Except he's talking. He's been flapping his lips all episode and clearly people can hear him, so… doesn't that need breath to come out?

The death of the old man is, for Owen, the last straw and he seeks his self-destruction only to discover new meaning instead. Life is crap but sometimes it's not is the message of the day. You have the choice. And that's enough.

So the reinvention of Owen is complete, with probably the darkest of this Undead Trilogy. It may not be news that no one is dead forever in science fantasy, but seems like they've paid for the right to not have him just be dead (and unlike Buffy the audience doesn't have to pay as it didn't take a whole season).


Next time… It's Gwen's big day, and she's "big" in more ways than one. And as she and Rhys finally tie the knot, the wedding is crashed by a shape-shifting mother-in-law from hell. You'll scream… with laughter! "Something Borrowed"

Day 2620: Undecided States of America

Tuesday:


Watch out for the new HIGH DIVE in the Olympics this year: the reverse triple axolotl with extended length and twist: you skip the rounds where you won't win in order to jump right over your competitors for a spectacular splash. Also known as the "Giuliani Belly Flop".

Even Senator Hillary-Billary couldn't pull it off perfectly, and the long string of losses has damaged her campaign.

But someone needs to let Senator Barry O know this: EVERY time he opens his mouth to predict victory – New Hampshire, Super Duper Tuesday, today – it is immediately followed by Hillary-Billary bouncing back.

The scores on the doors now stand at Hillary-Billary 1,391 and Barry O 1,477, a lead of 86 for the CHARISMATIC man from Illinois (though it would be a different story if the net 111 extra delegates from Michigan and Florida were being counted on Hillary-Billary's scorecard).

What this means is that it is actually QUITE HARD for EITHER candidate to get to the magic number of 2,025 delegates and that the contest is definitely going to go on, probably all the way to the Dumbocratic Convention, which is very exciting for news pundits and probably a bit wearying for every body else.

Although there are the Wyoming and Mississippi caucuses next week, the next BIG landmark is not until Pennsylvania decides at the start of April, and then we have to keep on for ANOTHER month until the Indiana and North Carolina votes. That North Carolina contest looks good for Barry O – after doing so well in South Carolina, and with backing from Carolinian Senator John Edwards, but until then it's all up in the air.

And under the circumstances, it's going to be VERY DIFFICULT to talk Hillary-Billary down from taking it to the wire.

It might have LOOKED like her husband, President Billary-Hillary, had set up a way out for her, with his suggestion that she couldn't continue if she didn't win both Ohio AND Texas. Like THAT dress, she'd have been taken to the cleaners. On the other fluffy foot, it might have been that he was setting a reasonably high BAR so that when she DID vault it, it got her back in the game again.

And, with her victory speech, it seems that Hillary-Billary has found a convincing new message.

"For everyone who has stumbled but stood right back up, and for everyone...
... who works hard and never gives up, this one is for you."

(Mr Paul was impressed too)

Barry O's theme of HOPE plays very well with the young and the enthusiastic, but this new Hillary-Billary message might reach out to HER core support even better. America feels on the back foot, beaten down by the economic wreck and international opprobrium that the Monkey-in-Chief's administration has brought upon them. Sure, they're still the most powerful nation on Earth but the FEELING is of crushing DEFEAT. Hillary-Billary is trying to say: "I'm the MAN to pick us up off the canvass again".

That is the appeal of the MOVIES, the underdog making good, the blue-collar American hero coming back: it's why Rocky MMCIX still works (and why Rambo 4 really doesn't). And of course, it is the same "comeback kid" message that worked so WELL for Mr Billary-Hillary.

How ARE they going to sort this out?

With Barry O in the lead, and looking like staying that way, even though Hillary-Billary will now dog his heals to the line, short of disaster he's GOT to end up as the Candidate. But with nearly half the Dumbocrats having backed her, who is going to break it to Hillary-Billary?

It seems to me that the chances of a DREAM-TICKET are now further away than ever – 'cos she's NOT going to accept the job of Mrs SECOND BEST, is she? Maybe Barry O could ask her to be his Secretary of State, a role with a real job to it, but even that's going to come across as a WOODEN SPOON.

I think that it probably WILL go to the Convention, but once it has been decided (and someone has SAT on Hillary-Billary to stop her SUING over her missing Michigan and Florida delegates), the Party will reunite and be stronger. So long as they don't tear too many chunks out of each other – yes, I am looking at YOUR "3 am call" advert Ms Hillary-Billary – then the ongoing contest will generate media interest and publicity and be a good head start for the REAL fight against the Replutocrats. The downside is that they will have spent all of their money by then.


Meanwhile, no sooner has he secured the Candidature when DISASTER strikes the Replutocratic campaign as the Monkey-in-Chief comes out in support of Senator Over-Chip!

Mr God bless Amnesia

Day 2619: Aren't we supposed to be the UNITED Party on Europe?

Wednesday:


Well, THAT'S embarrassing!


Liberal Democrats believe in the European Union, it can be good if we fix its faults; we know that we can win the case for Europe if we get the chance; and what's more the public back our position for a proper referendum 2:1.

The Labour's position is cowardly; the Conservatory position is deceitful. Only WE trust the people.

So, how have we come to this?

I suspect that it can only be because it is because it is so much easier to get into a TIZZY about minute details than over major areas of policy.


I was convinced that we were RIGHT in calling for a PROPER referendum on all of the European treaties that add up to 95% of the European Constitution, rather than just a "let's block the icing on the cake" referendum that the Conservatories support.

And I realised, when Mr Ed explained, that there are entirely GOOD and NUANCED reasons for NOT demanding a referendum on a treaty that is just – like Nice and Amsterdam – amending the main thrust.

But the problem with our policy was that it was at least one-part LOW POLITICS mixed with two parts HONEST PRINCIPLE.

And when it comes to low politics, the other parties are just better at it than us!

And NUANCE gets trampled into the dust under the media press scrum.

"Referendum Good" was all the message that the press were willing to listen to.

We were SCUPPERED by not being willing to follow though the simple press logic: if we WANT a referendum, wouldn't a referendum on the Lisbon Treaty do as second best?

We should have said YES, obviously that would do, BUT we want to go further and open up a proper debate.




The cowardice of the Labour comes because they know any referendum is a chance to give them a KICKING without any risk of the Conservatories getting in. Mr Frown is increasingly TIMID of sticking his head out of the bunker ever since it all went Balloon-shaped for him last Autumn.

The deceit of the Conservatory Party is that their supporters want the referendum that WE want to give them, but the Conservatories do not DARE support setting that ball going, because then THEY would have to admit that they don't want out of Europe either. Except for the fifty to sixty percent of them that do. Oh dear, bye bye Mr Balloon.

So Labour and Conservatories joined forces to twist the Speaker's arm behind the scenes and use their voting muscle in the House to block our motion.


But we really SHOULD have seen that one coming and prepared a proper FALL BACK position.

Instead, Mr Clogg and the Party have ended up getting HOIST by Sir Mr the Merciless' petard.

Yes, Sir Mr the Merciless. He didn't REALLY want to have a referendum on the Lisbon Treaty because it is COMPLICATED to explain; it seems "SAFE" to reject because it won't chuck us out of Europe; and above all it seems like a bit of a CHEAT!

(That is because after the European Constitution fell through – thanks to the French and Dutch saying "Non" and "Niet" – the governments of Europe cobbled the Lisbon Treaty together to amend all the existing treaties so that added up they would do pretty much the same thing.)

Basically for the Europhobes a referendum on this treaty is almost the PERFECT "give Europe/the government a good KICKING" vote. Europe really couldn't win!

On the other fluffy foot, we had PROMISED to give people a vote on the Constitution, and we really believed that they should get one. And what is more, lots and lots of people really wanted a vote too.

Only this week, the "I want a referendum" campaign group conducted what was basically a big OPINION POLL and found, to nobody's surprise, that people would LIKE a referendum.

Even if anyone HAD been surprised by that, even they would not be taken aback to discover that the government has rejected the referendum call.

Not that their "big opinion poll" was more than a big STUNT anyway. As most people know, for a properly representative poll you do not get much more ACCURACY for any increase in size above a few thousand people. So polling a hundred thousand people in ten constituencies using an electoral register that leaves a lot of people out (and remember, the people who choose to vote at all will be biased in favour of wanting the referendum because people who don't want to go and vote, er, won’t go and vote to say 'we don't want to go and vote') this ISN'T going to produce any better a result than any ordinary opinion poll… except that it LOOKS good for the papers.

But even though it was a stunt, the polls DO show that people want to have their voices heard about Europe.

(We KNOW this; we've been trying to get those voices HEARD!)

So, cunning Mr Sir M came up with this scheme: turn the thing on its head and make it about a vote that Europe really couldn't LOSE.

This SHOULD have let us oppose both the other Parties with some dignity. And it did sort of work – we could LEGITIMATELY criticise the Labour for betraying their promise of a referendum, and the Conservatories for not offering a REAL choice.




So, what lessons do we learn?

One: don't go to the wall to enforce a position of indecision – you look daft.

Two: if people disagree with your position, let them – forgive the people who've resigned and give them their jobs back.

Three: admit that sometimes we need our STATESMANSHIP to bow to a bit of POLITICS.

Four: never, ever, ever let the Conservatories LOOK like they are the ones being more principled.

Day 2614 (yes, again): TOYCHWUD: Dead Man Walking

Wednesday, once again…


Even with all the excitement of meeting Mr Ed in the Houses of Parliament, I had not forgotten Torchwood was on, and I gave Daddy Alex careful instructions in how to work the DVD recorder to make sure we could watch it.

This episode forms part two of a sort of mid-season trilogy that you might call the "Miss Martha Trilogy"… or maybe the "Owen of the Dead" Trilogy.

Anyway, here's what Daddy Richard thought…

This was Torchwood's Buffy-est opening so far (yes, even more than the "Spike comes to town" teaser for "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang").

Cap'n Jack uses his contacts in the demon, er, alien world – a sinister tarot-reading girl – to track down a spare Resurrection Glove, retrieve it from a lair of Vampires, er, Weevils – it's even a desecrated church – and use it bring Owen back from beyond the grave.

This is a collision of continuities, drawing on the things that we remember from season one (the Resurrection Glove appeared in "Everything Changes" and returned along with its darker consequences in "They Keep Killing Suzie") and things that only look like things we should remember them (most notably that little girl – and, incidentally, 'a little girl' was writer Matt Jones' original idea for the Beast at the bottom of "The Satan Pit" in Doctor Who).

There's also some changes to the continuity, rather quickly skated over. Last year Jack just couldn't use the Glove – that's actually fair enough because it's established that it works by draining the life of the user into the resurrectee; except Jack is proof against death, so it can't drain him. Only this year he can use it – which, you would think, would allow him to genuinely raise the dead since he can't die and so they just get a full dose of life from him. Only that isn't how it works here; there is no drain on Jack, and Owen is still magically alive. More of this in a minute.

Because the other thing that is changed is the idea that there is something out there in the darkness, waiting. Last year, it seemed pretty implicit that this was the rising of Abaddon (ye big CG beastie for the first season, er, 'climax' doesn't seem quite right). This year, we retcon that to be "Death", looking for a way in.

Yes "Death", or at least a creature that takes the form of a sub-Harryhausen CG skeletal being surrounded by black clouds, and is somehow made manifest out of Owen.

The "Death" creature itself has an MO startlingly familiar to anyone who has seen the fourth Doctor adventure "Image of the Fendahl" by Chris Boucher. That story involves a skull that effects a mutation in a human in order to resurrect the long-thought-dead Fendahl, a being that the Doctor describes as "death". The Fendahl consists of the core – the unfortunate victim, Thea Ransome – and twelve giant slug-like Fendahleen, and it must kill twelve times to make itself complete.

Is any of this sounding familiar?

Could you squint and say that Torchwood's "Death" and the Fendahl are one and the same? Tricky, since the Fendahl skull gets removed at the end of "Image of the Fendahl" (setting: mid-seventies) so although it could claim responsibility for the historical incidence of the creature coming to Earth through the girl Faith, it's no longer around to be affecting Owen. And the Doctor said he was going to chuck it into a Supernova and not into that all-purpose repository of the New Series, the Void – which seems to be where it's coming from here.

Quite apart from the large infusion of Fendahl, then, Matt also draws heavily on the ideas and themes of his own "Impossible Planet". The little girl, I've already mentioned, but there's also the ancient language so old it doesn't translate (even if the actual words are allegedly nicked from Thomas Covenant), a nasty case of the "oooh, I'm possessed, me – look at me eyes!", and the Weevils going all Ood on us and worshipping him (actually, weren't they doing that anyway after last year's "Combat", and the implication that Owen is their genetic ancestor, literally the daddy of all Weevils?).

And, of course, the ending is the same as "End of Days": beastie that drains all life, and only one man can stop them because he can't be drained – fortunately Torchwood have him on staff. And this means that "Death" has the same problem as Abaddon: he seems a bit pathetic.

Seriously, "Death" ought to mean something a whole lot more than this cloudy vampiric wraith. The real thing to do would be to stretch it out over two episodes. Have the creature be picky about its victims and stalk them slowly so that the horror and tension mount rather than the slightly tacky "oh no it's in the Children's Ward! " attempt to make it seem really terribly bad.

And, it really needed to kill someone who mattered to the audience. I'm not saying it should have been one of the regulars (though that would have made a great cliff-hanger especially after "killing" Owen last week) but at least someone we'd met over the course of the episode. As it is, it's just another excuse to wheel out the props department's collection of gory plastic skeletons.

The obvious candidate for "Death-ing" is Miss Martha Jones herself, and they seem to half realise that by sticking her in the latex "ageing" makeup. But they can't actually kill her (and I'm jolly glad they didn't) so it makes an unengaging subplot that doesn't really add anything or go anywhere. There's no particularly good reason why she gets "unaged" either, other than it's the end of the story and she's back next week and in Doctor Who later this year.

So in spite of taking over Owen's job and being vaguely central to his plot, she actually has remarkably little to do.

The rest of the regulars are good, though, particularly in the scene where they think they have only a minute to say goodbye. Jack does exceptionally well this episode, not just in his Moody Vampire Hero opening montage, but also his chat in the prison cell and the Weevil chase. And there's also a good turn by the child actor playing the kid left behind in the hospital evacuation.

But obviously the episode hangs on Burn Gorman as undead Owen, and he rises to it pretty well. It's a shame that he ought to have been left dead (again) at the end of it. On the technical side, without the "Death" creature supporting him to live though him, and without a life support from Jack via the Glove, and without magical Vortex energy keeping him alive forever, and without any proper biological digestion going on, just what the hell is sustaining him? But, more importantly, surely the aesthetic of the piece is that Owen alive is a doorway for "Death" to come through – his life is paid for by the beast being free; in order to defeat "Death" you have to close the door and that cuts off whatever is keeping Owen alive too.

His last scene, wrestling "Death", doesn't mean anything if he's still just there afterwards. Even Jack had to spend a month dead after slaying Abaddon! It may be a cliché for Owen to have to give his life to stop Death but otherwise it is all hollow.

And hollow is how this episode feels. Not actually bad, better than a lot of the season one stinkers, but not on a par with others this year. It's the Chinese meal of season two: satisfying while you're watching it but half an hour later you wonder why you're still hungry.

Unless, of course, it's all going to lead up to something later in the season. There's no indication of that, yet, but I'd be willing to reappraise it later if there is more to this than has yet appeared.



Next time… Owen, he's still dead. Not exactly dead and loving it, but finding a way through: "A Day in the Death"

Day 2618: Where's the Rush(ia)

Sunday:


President Count Vlad of Transylvania Russia has agreed to step aside constitutionally, and pass on his throne to his anointed successor, Mr Dmitry Mediocre.

Mr Mediocre has sworn to continue the Count's Mr Vlad's work even though election monitors have suggested that the former President's heavy hints that anyone who did not vote as they were told could expect to be on the next train to SIBERIA might have influenced the outcome just SLIGHTLY.

Meanwhile, the Count will retire to the office of Prime Monster for a quiet life of contemplation and controlling Mr Mediocre like a puppet… er…


Mr Mediocre is described as a modern pragmatic liberal. This means that he does exactly what Count Vlad tells him. Recruited by the Count in 2000 from St Petersburg (formerly Putingrad), his most widely known talent is as being "the one who makes the coffee" for Kremlin meetings.

He is said to be highly computer literate, claiming that he looks at the Internet TWICE a day... to see if anyone else in Russia will be allowed to read it.

The elections in Russia are a bit like those in Great Britain except no one is allowed to know about any of the other parties than the government. (In this country that only applies BETWEEN elections!) Apparently this is good for STABILITY. As is having most of the other candidates rounded up and arrested as traitors.

So, under the circumstances, we might as well be thankful that the election managed to be as contested as it was! The communists' candidate did surprisingly well, polling almost 18% and still breathing. Which you have to say is an achievement.

European observers – the few who were actually able to be there observing – described it as "not fair" and "a denial of the 'democratic potential' of the country's voters"… which is actually a lot BETTER than the report that everyone was expecting!

Democracy takes time, and it relies upon a sound economy and reliable laws before people are able to start exchanging ideas and challenging each other. When every day is a struggle to survive, letting Mr Strong take charge often seems a better choice than having to MAKE choices of your own.

And you have to be honest and say that a lot of Russian really DO like Count Vlad. His no nonsense approach of stripping to the waist and destroying all enemies of Mother Russia have won their hearts. Also, they're quite fond of his not getting drunk on cheap vodka and dancing on tanks while the rapacious American money men compete with the Mafia to make off with large chunks of the nation.

Funny people, the Russians.

Day 2617: Mysteries of Doctor Who #14: How Many Planets are there in the Solar System?

Saturday:


That is an easy one… there are NINE. Er, EIGHT… Er, hang on I am going to have to count them.

#1: Vulcan… sorry, what?

Vulcan is a tricky one. It appears in the 1966 debut story for Mr Dr Pat, "The Power of the Daleks (it is static electricity, yum yum)". It is the site of a struggling human colony who have made a discovery in the mercury swamps (guess what they've found). Travel to Vulcan is by rocket ship and it's all very "Dan Dare" which suggests that it might be part of colonising the Solar System, rather than anything interstellar. And the one that has always been the clincher is the DATE – the story has long been rumoured to be set in 2020, which is soooooo very early that it HAS to be a planet in the Solar System, although this date actually isn't mentioned in the TV show, it comes from the RadioTimes, so it could be questionable.

The idea of another planet closer in to the Sun than Mercury comes from the Nineteenth Century when more and more accurate measures were being taken of the orbits of the planets, and they were found to be very slightly WRONG compared to the predictions make by Mr Sir Isaac's Theory of Gravitation. The error in the prediction of Uranus' orbit led to the discovery of Neptune, and in turn the error in Neptune's orbit led to people looking for a "Planet X" further out – and eventually the discovery of Pluto in 1930 (which actually WASN'T the answer because it is not big enough; the real answer was that they had overestimated the masses of Uranus and Neptune, something we now know better thanks to the Voyager missions). At the same time, the errors in Mercury's orbit led people to guess there might be another small planet near to the Sun.

However, then along came Mr Professor Albert and said "E=MC2" among other stuff and his General Theory of Relativity showed that the Sun was BENDING the space around it and THAT was what was throwing off Mercury's orbit.

So, the jury is out on Vulcan.

#2 Mercury

Yup, familiar with that one – it is (now) the smallest of the "eight" planets officially recognised by the International Astronomers' board of space tourism.

#3 Venus

Home planet of the Venusians (well, durr!), a people who practiced Karate and Aikido, or at least the local equivalents.

Apparently they had more that the usual number of arms and legs, and definitely more than three eyes if we are to believe Dr Who's claim that "Klokleda partha menin klatch" is a Venusian lullaby meaning "Close your eyes my darling; well three of them at least". On the other fluffy foot, Ms Professor Bernice Summerfield says that this is, in fact, one of the bawdiest ditties in the known universe.

Sadly the Venusians became extinct at some point billions of years ago. More about these unfortunate people is discovered in the Missing Adventure "Venusian Lullaby".

The planet is inhabited again – probably colonised by humans – by the "space year" 17,000 when it is attacked by the Daleks.

#4 Luna (aka The Moon)

In the Doctor Who scheme of thing, the Moon is a "rogue planet" that comes barrelling into orbit in order to frighten the Silurians (aka Eocenes aka Earth Reptiles etc) into packing up their civilisation and hiding in bunkers for millions of years.

Actually, the Moon is rather similar to Mercury, if a little bit smaller, and if you are asking "where did this rogue come FROM?" you might conjecture that it was Mercury's TWIN – and stranger things have happened in this Solar System – before something or someone decided to start messing around with the arrangements of the constellation. (Remember, in Doctor Who, "constellation" appears to mean planetary system.)

Of course this would not be the first time that someone has blown the Moon out of orbit…

#5 Earth

Mostly Harmless

#6 Mondas

Home Planet (mark one) of the Cybermen.

Earth's so-called "twin planet" and it is VERY twin if the images that survive from "The Tenth Planet" have it right – it's identical to Earth (but upside-down). This is so AMAZINGLY improbable that it probably means it is artificial. Or the Earth is. One of them, anyway. This suggests the intervention of The Dæmons, since they tend to go in for experimental science on a planetary scale and we know that they have been here, with one planet being maintained as a "control" while the other is the experiment.

Or possibly it's been commissioned by the MICE.

The idea of a twin Earth was a favourite of the scientific romances (and, let's be fair, even Gerry Anderson was giving it a go as late on as the 1960s). The idea being that a planet could be in orbit at Lagrange 3 i.e. exactly opposite on the far side of the Sun and we would never see it, what with the Sun being in the way.

The usual assumption for Earth and Mondas, though, is the two planets orbiting a common barycentre, so that one can be seen from the other like a really BIG moon.

For some reason, Mondas goes out of its orbit and "drifts to the edge of space". Being an unpowered planet (at least on the way out) this suggests that the "edge of space" means the edges of the Solar System five trillion kilometres away.

The temptation to tie in Mondas going out of orbit with the arrival of the Moon in some sort of INTERPLANETARY BILLIARDS is almost irresistible.

It would open up several intriguing possibilities: did the Silurians and the early Pre-Cyber Mondasians know about each other? And did any of the Mondasians try evacuating to Earth? Is it possible that humans are their descendents and NOT native to Earth after all?

For counting purposes, getting blown to pieces in 1986 may disqualify it.

#7 Mars

Home planet of the Ice Warriors. And possibly at least one earlier species, according to Dr Who in "Image of the Fendahl". Civilisations on Mars seem to have a habit of being obliterated.

Assuming that the native Martians DID die out first, and that the Ice Warriors arrived from somewhere else, the question has to be where? And the obvious answer looks like being Earth (again). Great big bipedal reptiles, who does THAT sound like? Is it in fact the case that we are seeing a THIRD cousin of the Silurians, this time with an adaptation for COLD in the way the Sea Devils have an adaptation for WATER? Perhaps as the Moon bore down on the planet, and the main bulk of their race were going into hibernation, a breakaway faction took off in rockets for the relative safety of Mars.

If they aren't the original natives, then who were? The answer again is obvious: they must have been the insect-like creatures seen in "Quatermass and the Pit", what with Professor Quatermass and the British Rocket Group apparently existing in the Doctor Who universe. They, of course, wiped themselves out in a frenzy of ethnic cleansing… or were they driven to it?

#8 Thanatos

Home planet of the Fendahl.

The planet was devastated by the Fendahl before it transmitted itself to Mars in the form of (probably) a skull. The Time Lords, trying to trap it, time looped the planet, but the Fendahl was already gone.

Interestingly, the Fendahl is a gestalt entity consisting of a core and twelve supporting Fendahleen – essentially it has thirteen lives. You would have to expect that the Fendahl is a literally lethal mutation of a naturally evolved gestalt species – that is, the Death Eater is a single individual, not one of a species, and it wiped out all other life on the planet, before going on to Mars and then starting work on Earth. The Fendahleen creatures resemble giant caterpillars or insect larvae and this is also suggestive of a mutation arresting a natural cycle of pupa and rebirth into an adult form (a dozen butterfly-like "Fendahlira" perhaps).

It would be total speculation to wonder just who might have come along and stolen the ability of an individual to undergo twelve rebirths, and what that might have done to the individual from whom they stole it. Though it might give them an even more important reason for Time Looping the evidence.

The novel "The Taking of Planet Five" (ironic, muchly, in this counting scheme) has Time Lords from the future Time War try to break open the Time Loop in order to release the Fendahl Predator – what they call a memeovore, meaning that it eats ideas! – to use as a weapon against their Enemy (cough cough the Daleks). Actually this is a scheme within a scheme, and the Predator is actually turned loose on the conceptual entities known as Celestis (formerly the Celestial Intervention Agency). Since they are literally made of ideas, this destroys them rather a lot.

Of course, there shouldn't actually BE a Fendahl Predator on Thanatos, because the Fendahl isn't actually THERE to be predated.

(Strictly speaking, planets are named after Roman Gods, and Thanatos is Greek, but the Roman equivalent would be Mors, and that would be confusing with Mars just next door.)

The asteroid belt is said to be the remains of Thanatos from when the planet broke up, though this is not true, because there just isn't enough mass in all the asteroids – even the really big ones like Ceres – to add up to a planet.

People used to think that there OUGHT to be a planet there because it would satisfy a nice GEOMETRIC PROGRESSION in the distances from the sun to each planet: Earth is about 125 million kilometres from the Sun; Mars is roughly two-hundred-and-fifty million kilometres; spot the gap; Jupiter is a billion kilometres; and Saturn is two billion kilometres away.

Nowadays, though, we think that they are just "left over bits".

#9 Jupiter

Largest planet of the Solar System, with over sixty moons counted to date.

Or twelve, if you are in the mid-1970s and/or mid-2870s, according to "Revenge of the Cybermen".

The BBC novel "To the Slaughter" tries to explain this numerical embarrassment by having a concept artists and solar decorator blow up the supernumerous satellites in an act of cosmic Feng Shui. You can tell that it was time to have a new series on the telly, can't you.

The atmosphere of Jupiter is said to be a battleground between two alien viruses in the novel "Fear Itself". This may or may not be supposed to be an origin for the Virus found in space in between Jupiter and Saturn in "The Invisible Enemy", which shares many features with the Fear virus, and eventually gets blown up on Saturn's largest moon, Titan.

#10 The Tenth Planet

A really cool shop in Barking, East London.

No? OK.

#10 Voga

The "Planet of Gold". Home planet of the Vogans.

Another "rogue planet" this one, apparently disappearing from wherever it started off in the universe during the Cyberwars and reappearing in "Revenge of the Cybermen" as a "thirteenth" moon of Jupiter.

Voga was the source of the gold used against the Cybermen in the Cyberwars. We later infer that the Cyberwars took place in the Twenty-Sixth Century as the story "Earthshock" takes place then and sees the Cybermen trying to prevent the formation of an alliance against them. At the end of the wars, the Cybermen staged a last attack on Voga and presumably blasted it across space to arrive here.

"Revenge of the Cybermen" is thought to take place in the late Twenty-Ninth or early Thirtieth Centuries based on Dr Who's assessment of Space Station Nerva's architecture when he first arrived (although at a MUCH later point in time) with Harry and Sarah in "The Ark in Space".

Actually, Voga might STILL not count as a "planet" because it is in orbit around Jupiter, thus making it a satellite.

#11 Saturn

Runs rings round other planets.

#12 Uranus

Parent planet of the moon Sycorax, possibly home of the, er, Sycorax.

This would in fact lead to a slight temporal anomaly, since the moon is named after a character, the mother of Caliban, in Shakespeare's play "The Tempest", and – at least implicitly – Shakespeare gets the idea for that from Dr Who mentioning the Sycorax to him, based on the Sycorax that he's already seen, who are named for the character who's name he's just suggested. Er, if you see what I mean.

A much LARGER moon is Oberon, suggested in several New Adventures to be the headquarters of the Order of Adjudicators, seen in "Colony in Space" and many New Adventures, perhaps most importantly "Lucifer Rising" and "Original Sin". It is heavily implied that the Adjudicators eventually turn into the Knights of the Grand Order of Oberon, as represented by excommunicated example Orcini in "Revelation of the Daleks".

Apparently, when Mr Mavic Chen tells the Daleks that the only place in the galaxy where you can mine Taranium in large enough quantities to power a Time Destructor is "one of the dead worlds of the solar system", everyone thinks he means Uranus. Given that he is already one of the CAMPEST space villains in history, it is probably wise that he did NOT say to the Daleks: "the Taranium can only be found on…"!

#13 Neptune

Even when Pluto WAS a planet, its irregular orbit would sometimes make Neptune the outermost of the Solar System. So far.

#14 Pluto

Because Pluto IS a planet in the Doctor Who universe, because Dr Who says so, and even visits it in "The Sun Makers".

Or if not…

#14 Cassius

Also in "The Sun Makers", Dr Who refers to the discovery of Cassius making Pluto no longer the outermost planet of the Solar System. The Battle of Cassius is mentioned by the late Mr Craig Hinton as crucial to the relief of Earth after the Dalek Invasion and occupation in 2157.

Or possibly…

#14 Eris

Discovered in 2003 and named after the goddess of strife because all the fuss caused by its discovery resulted in Pluto being demoted from planet status, what with Eris actually being slightly larger. And, unlike Pluto, does not appear to be part of the Kuiper Belt.

Early reports had the planet named as "Xena", a play on the old Planet X and after the character played on telly by Lucy Lawless. Apparently Eris has a moon called Dysnomia. Dysnomia was the daughter of Eris and goddess of Lawless-ness. This is the sort of thing that is considered FUNNY in astronomical circles.

But, let's face it, it ought to be…

#14 Telos

Home planet of the Cryons; home planet (mark two) of the Cybermen.

The reference in "The Invasion" to Mr Dr Pat being known to the Cybermen from "Planet 14" has long led to speculation about this "missing" adventure.


As mentioned above, it never seemed likely that the Cybermen's planet of Mondas developed interstellar capabilities and so its wanderings probably only took it within reach of local planets. The Cybermen have always been the most rubbish of Dr Who's arch enemies – while the Daleks and the Sontarans may conquer galaxies, the Cybermen almost always have trouble staying alive long enough to perish from exposure to one of their many allergies (radiation, gravity, nail varnish, emotions, gold etc.).

If the plan to build a great big engine and power Mondas back into Earth orbit wasn't working out, then a chance encounter with a distant Solar planet just as Mondas was trundling off into Interstellar Space may have seemed like a last chance to escape for some of the already converted Cyber-Mondasians.

Although Dr Who visits Telos twice – in "Tomb of the Cybermen" and "Attack of the Cybermen" – we do not find out for sure where it lies. You can assume that it's in another Solar System if you like. The rocket ship that gets Professor Parry and his team of doomed archaeologists there looks a bit Flash Gordon, but then we're back to the same argument as Vulcan being in-system.

Incidentally, Mr Tat has an interesting theory about the TIMING of "Attack of the Cybermen", pointing out that it does not make a lot of sense of "Attack" to be set on Telos in the FUTURE; and might it be contemporary with their actions on Earth, i.e. 1985. (Basically, if Commander Lytton can communicate though TIME then why would he choose to talk to the Cybermen and the Cryons, when he could dial up the Daleks and ask for a time tunnel home. OK, maybe they WERE trying to kill him last time but, hey, that could be worked out!) Just because the Cybermen HAVE a (stolen) Time Machine (two, with the Doctor's TARDIS) doesn't mean that they have time-travelled to get from Telos to Earth.

But unfortunately the Cyber-leader refers to the Cyber-Controller being "damaged" in the events of "Tomb" which definitely has to be in the future.


Anyway, how many planets is that? I have LOST COUNT!

Day 2616: Harry-ed

Friday:


For you, Harry, the war is over.

So it turns out that the former Ginger-pop Prince has been out on the front line, doing his job as a soldier.

I have MIXED FEELINGS. On the one fluffy foot, it's good that he has found a job to do that he is both good at and enjoying. On the other fluffy foot, that job is killing people (which, I admit, is a bit typical of his ancestors) and it's a shame that ANYONE has to have THAT as their job.

What I DON'T understand is why all the news coverage?

What is it with all the "specially extended" TV bulletins, rolling coverage on News 24 (with Kiefer Sutherland), hold-the-front-page pictures and in-depth pull-out supplements?

Relatively unskilled young man decides to be brave and put his life on the line for his country. This story happens to be told a thousand times over. Admittedly, relatively few of his comrades in arms will have a billionaire of German extraction for their granny, and it's nice that he can afford all the kit, but really there ought to be no story here.

And in fact there WAS no story for the whole of the ten weeks when no one had noticed that Harry Wales was off plane-spotting. The world did not fall to bits because one young bloke was not to be spotted spilling out of any London nightclubs. Nor, for that matter, did the war come to a sudden and dramatic end thanks to his presence. He was, and IS, just another soldier.

That makes him very, very special and yet no more than anyone else serving the cause of peace and freedom against the Taliban.

(Yes, obviously the conflict there is MUCH more complicated, and it is ever so hard to describe Mr Hamid Kharzi and his government as "the good guys", much less the warlords who control sixty percent of the country, but anyone like the Taliban who terrorize women, blow up ancient pieces of art, hang television sets, ban playing music and execute gay daddies definitely count as "the bad guys"!)

Of course there is a PR WIN in this for almost everyone. The army gets a good story of old-fashioned bravery; the Royals get to look like they matter; the BBC gets loads of lovely pictures of a nice looking young man in exotic surroundings… even Mr Harry gets to look good, though that was hardly likely to have been his first thought. Still, "Playboy Prince" to "One of Our Boys" never did his uncle any harm either.

Mind you, a CONSTITUTIONAL Monarchy is pretty much REQUIRED to be one big PR stunt. Which makes it all the more ironic that they have felt that they have to pull the chap in question out. Still, probably not such a good-news-all-round story if he gets himself exploded into smithereens!

It is TERRIBLY sad that Mr Harry does not want to come home to England though, sad that he is more at home in continuous peril of being exploded than he is in what really IS our very green and awfully pleasant land. I suppose that the choice is between being a part of something where you can feel worthwhile and being chased in and out of cover by a pack of reptiles with powerful telescopic sights. Hang on, WHICH one is Afghanistan again?

To be honest, dispatching the entirety of the world's paparazzi to the Afghan steppe might do us all a favour. No, NOT because they might all get shot – I am SHOCKED at the suggestion! But if Hello and OK and Bella were all full of what Afghanistan REALLY looked like, instead of girls on stilettos, then we might really really do something about it.


Meanwhile…

For You, Toshiba, the War is Over! (slight reprise).

Day 2615: The Knighthood Now Arriving on Platform 13 is the delayed 14.40 Gong from Rugby

Thursday:


No, seriously, they're giving the boss of Network Rail a KNIGHTHOOD on the same day as they fine his company a record FOURTEEN MILLION POUNDS.

"It is London’s commuters who deserve a knighthood for putting up with the cattle-class travel conditions they experience day-in, day-out, not Network Rail's boss."

said Liberal Democrat candidate for Mayor, Mr Brian.

Handily, that fine will come out of one government bank account and go back into another, rather than, say, being spent upgrading the West Coast Main Line…

In an emergency room somewhere, satire is flatlining again!

Day 2612: Mr Clogg Pops the Question

Monday:


In or Out, obviously!

It's taken a bit of a while, but finally the unlikely combination of frothing Conservatories and Mr James Graham have convinced me that we really SHOULD have a vote on everything to do with the European Union and not just on the Lisbon Treaty.

To use Mr James's analogy: voting on JUST the Lisbon Treaty is like voting whether to have icing or not on your cake. Even if you vote "NO" you still have a CAKE – or in this case a stack of older treaties… okay, it is more like a pile of PANCAKES.

Voting whether or not to have SYRUP on them doesn't STOP them being a pile of pancakes, and similarly voting whether or not to ratify Lisbon doesn't stop us having all the Union treaties that we've already got. It just decides whether it all WORKS or you're left with a pile of SOGGY BATTER. Or in the case of the pancakes…


The Conservatory position appears to be "our voices must be heard: we demand the right to insist on sticking IN Europe, muddling along with a system that doesn't work and accepting all the bad things because we can't change them er…".

Neither in NOR out, but resolutely jamming themselves into the revolving door so that everyone else is left waiting.

It really is a bit SILLY to keep shouting that "this treaty is ninety-five percent the same as the Constitution" when what we've ALREADY GOT is NINETY PERCENT of the Constitution.

And the other five percent is just some candles on top. And a flag.

Day 2611: Sometimes if it flies on a broomstick and cackles then it IS a witch!

Sunday:


Apparently it is all about CLASS.

If you're criticising Mr Speaker of the House Martin, Speaker of the Commons, then you are a BAD person indulging in SNOBBERY.

But if you're defending him, then it is PERFECTLY OKAY to dismiss his critics as "stuck-up upper-class hooray-henrys".

It is no wonder people get confused about the intricacies of our CLASS SYSTEM!

There are only TWO questions that are important, and Mr Speaker's BACKGROUND is IRRELEVANT to either – it is neither proof of fault NOR any excuse, and people should address the QUESTIONS and stop making SNIDE INNUENDOS to avoid them.

One: is he any good at his job?

Two: is he on the fiddle?


There is quite a bit of evidence that the answer to the first question is "No". He is biased and bullying and has even managed to "forget" that Mr Clogg gets a go at Prime Monster's Questionable Time. He has never put aside his tribal affinity for the Labour, even though it is part of the oath he swore when he got the job.

Traditionally, Mr Speaker is picked from the OPPOSITION benches so that he will not favour the government. Typical of the Labour to throw out tradition where a grab for more power is concerned, Mr House-Martin (formerly of the Labour) followed on from Ms Betty (formerly of the Labour) even though Lord Blairimort had a huge majority. If there is a cause for RESENTMENT it is there, in treading on the toes of the House of Commons not in whatever job it was he used to do before becoming a white-collar desk-worker.

But what is most LUDICROUS is that NO ONE is allowed to even raise the question.

Mr Phoney Tony Benn is always fond of saying of people in power: "who gave you that power and how can I get rid of you?" Not that he says it about his MATES like Mr House-Martin.

But Mr Speaker IS a powerful position – if you want to have any chance of making a point in debate you have got to get on his good side. He has huge powers of patronage because of that, and he can make a real difference to the passage of legislation if he chooses to. And as we saw only this week, he can THWART legitimate amendments just by blocking an amendment, and can do so without having to give any reason. Or he can choose to accept the motion on the Iraq war that nearly got Lord Blairimort defeated. But just because we agree that it was GOOD that he did the latter doesn't mean that he should have such arbitrary powers nor that he shouldn't be accountable.


The answer to the second question is something that DEMANDS to be looked into.

Making use of air-miles picked up on the job is something that a lot of businesspeople see as perks of the job, or even a legitimate recompense for HAVING to do all that travelling.

But funding your wife's taxi trips out of the public purse… that is starting to look decidedly IFFY.

Everyone accepts that Mr Martin has followed the LETTER of the rules… but that doesn't mean that everyone is totally happy with those rules in the first place. And particularly that the person looking into whether those rules are satisfactory is… Mr Martin himself.

I WONDER what he will decide about claiming for taxis?

Two of the last three Mr or Mrs Speakers were from "humble backgrounds": a "Tiller Girl" and the son of a Welsh miner. And the other was a tailor whom, despite being a Conservatory, the Conservatory grandees all sneered at because he was only "trade".

It is usual that Mr Speaker serves two terms. That is what the last three did. But Mr House Martin has already done those.

Personally, I think that it might be a bit better if the Speaker served only ONE term. You should pick a new one each Parliament and at the end of that Parliament he or she goes directly to the House of Lords Club for trebles all round. That should stop anyone… er… outstaying their welcome.

Meanwhile, Mr Clogg has come out in support… oh very fluffy dear.

It didn't get him off the hook when he questioned the procedures when the Speaker threatened to ban him for even suggesting such a thing!

This ISN'T a "witch hunt"; this is a very traditional Liberal demand for a bit of openness to answering some legitimate questions.

No one should be above scrutiny. Saying that you (or your muckers in the Labour) are above the law… that is the REAL snobbery. It is the arrogance of power.

And Liberals don't put up with that sort of thing!

Day 2610: Test for Britishness

Saturday:


Q1: Answer the following question in your own words: what would be a good Test for Britishness?

Marking guide: full points to be awarded for "I'm British and we don't DO this sort of thing!" or similar.

Day 2609: Stupid By Design

Friday:


No, no, no! It is no good giving an INCH to the Unintelligent Design crowd: give them an EYE of a NEEDLE and they will try to force a DIPLODOCUS through it. AND claim that Noah had them on the Ark! Along with all the cat-monsters and donkeys and upwards of five million species of beetles. In pairs.

I am referring to this article by an American scientist suggesting that science should try to RECLAIM the word "design", and say that yes evolution DOES "design" things.

This really IS NOT helpful. Evolution does not DO design. It just DOESN'T.


Design means sitting down at the start and working out where you want to end up. Evolution only works on what it has, chipping bits off, adding on strange new convolvulations, scouring away the redundant bits, always trying to make the square peg a better fit for the starfish* shaped hole.

(*other evolutionary niches are available.)

The argument that telling people "sorry there's no designer" makes them feel bad is a fast trip up the wrong creek. Science isn't about telling people a CUDDLY STORY – and it's not going to beat religion on THAT score; if they need it, they're always going to have a CUDDLIER sky fairy to fall back on who'll wuv you forever and ever (if you're a gud lickle babykins) at a point where science is going to have to say, "sorry, cold hard fact".

I do understand that there is a DIFFERENCE between America and Europe, as illustrated by this new GLOBE, designed in accordance with the new Theory of "Intelligent Geography". (It's like Intelligent Design: you ignore the bits you can't ANSWER.)

I do realise that it is DIFFICULT for scientists in America, because the number of people over there who believe in nonsense over the evidence is quite a lot larger than here in Europe, where fortunately we are able to SCOFF OPENLY at anyone who thinks that evolution isn't true or that humans and dinosaurs lived side by side like the keys on a piano. Those ivory ones would be the Tyrannosaurus's TEETH, by the way.

But this is the wrong way to go. You can't compromise the science, and say "oh, okay, we'll say that it IS a bit like that made-up story that you've made up." Because it's not.

Evolution is NOT a process of "mistakes". It's an ongoing series of triumphs over adversity, and every species alive today is a gold medal winner. We're NOT just the recipient of a spoonful of divine generosity. We have worked our way up.

(I will IGNORE the fact that Daddy is watching "HOWARDS' WAY" as this might disprove my argument!)

Frankly, evolution is the American Dream, red in tooth and claw, and it boggles my fluffy mind that the US can worship one and deny the other. Often in the same SERMON!

Day 2608: Extraordinary Apology!

Thursday:


Mr Millipede, Secretary of State for directing passengers though the Airport Lounge of Airstrip One, has apologised.

He has apologised on behalf of the Foreign Office for misleading the House of Commons, and, as I am sure you realise, that is quite SERIOUS.

It is ILLEGAL to put people on aeroplanes against their will and fly them off to countries that practice torture with the aim of having them tortured on your behalf, since you are reluctant to be seen with their blood on your fluffy feet.

That is, WE call it "illegal". The Americans call it "Extraordinary Rendition".

We are signatories, without reservation, to the United Nations Convention Against Torture, which states explicitly under article 3:

No State Party shall expel, return ("refouler") or extradite a person to another State where there are substantial grounds for believing that he would be in danger of being subjected to torture.

The very SECOND that any plane lands in British Territory, anyone and everyone on board should be subject to the FULL FORCE of British Law and all protections that are owed to them.

So it is ILLEGAL to let someone (i.e the Americans) do this, or to allow them to do this out of our airspace.


The Foreign Office had said that the Americans had NOT flown ANY of their rendition flights into, out of or over British airspace. That turns out not to have been completely true.

Flicking through their back catalogue, they discovered that a couple of their EasyTorture Airways flights DID touch down for refuelling on the lonely British atoll of Diego Maradona.


There IS an argument for saying that the British Government did not know anything about this… but that just shows that they were allowing a dangerous foreign agency go completely out of control on their watch.

Of course it is a LITTLE bit harsh to blame the barely-out-of-short-trousers Mr Millipede, since he wasn't the one in charge when this happened and he isn’t the one who told FIBS to the House of Commons.

The ACTUAL Foreign Secretary at the time, was of course fleshless Mari Lwyd Mrs Margaret Bucket.

She was on the Andy Marmite show over the weekend, trying to brush it all under the carpet.

Mr Andy pressed her on the claims that between 170 and 200 CIA registered flights had been spotted landing at British airports like Glasgow and Prestwick. Ms Charming Chakrabati of Liberty had called for an inquiry; shouldn't Mrs Bucket, as Foreign Secretary, have set one up?

"But there have been inquiries," she protested.

You can picture the scene:

Bored American voice: "good mornin', CIA inquiries desk, how may I help you today?"

Mrs Bucket: "ah, hello. I'm calling from Her Majesty's Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, her Dominions and Territories, etc. I was wondering about all of these planes of yours that are flying in and out. DO any of them have, well, er, anyone on their way to be tortured on board?"

Bored American voice: [flicks through magazine for a minute]: "no, ma'am"

Mrs Bucket: "oh, well, good, that's jolly good"

Bored American voice: "you have a nice day, ma'am"

Some how I do NOT think that that was the sort of inquiry that Ms Charming had in mind, do you?

Anyway, Mrs Bucket isn't the Foreign Secretary any more. Mr Frown has put her in the chair of the Intelligence and Security Select Committee.

So, it's good to know that our security and intelligence are in capable hands.

That's "capable hands" meaning "the hands of a complacent incompetent" and "good" meaning "utterly terrifying".


The CIA responded to the news with a statement

"Torture is against our laws and values"

they said, for some reason inexplicably forgetting to continue:

"…so we redefine what the word "torture" means, 'cos it don't half look cool when Jack Bauer gets to do it!"