...a blog by Richard Flowers

Friday, September 26, 2008

Day 2824: The President Should Be Able to Think About More than One Thing at a Time


In a DRAMATIC development in the election in Americaland, Senator Oven-Chip has announced that since he's dropped ten points in the polls he's taking his ball and going home. So nyer!

Does this indicate that Senator Oven-Chip is uncertain of his ability to WALK and CHEW GUM at the same time?

Or is he trying to distract attention from the discovery that his campaign manager was getting $15,000 a month from Freddie Big-Mac right up until the Monkey-in-Chief nationalised it, something that the Senator had specifically denied?

Or is it just another stunt like choosing "Caribou Barbie*" for Veep, in order to boost his numbers?

Last week, of course, the senator was saying that everything was fine and dandy with the American economy; this week he says that things are so bad they cannot carry on the election campaign (just like the way they DIDN'T suspend the election during the Great Depression or World War part Two… oh).

Either Mr Oven-Chip is having a bad case of the Sooty MOOD SWINGS… or he doesn't have the first clue what is going on.

Just to explain it for him: the banking system had a bit of a "dead cat-monster bounce" last week on the announcement that the Monkey-in-Chief was going to bail them out by signing over seven-hundred billion bananas to buy up all of their "mortgage back securities" (or BAD DEBTS). Or in plainer language, he was going to get them out of the mess they'd gotten into and the taxpayer was going to pick up the rather enormous tab.

This week, though, Congress realised that actually the Monkey-in-Chief needed them to agree to this, and – after looking at the complete lack of details in his "huge blank cheque to the people who wrecked the economy" plan – felt that they were empowered to say FU… Please Depart Off.

On hearing that they were NOT about to be instantly and massively rewarded for splattering the economy, the bankers plunged into panic and their shares once more plunged through the floor.

The head of the Federal Reserve then went to Congress to address the Representatives and told them to carefully consider all the alternatives and then darned well DO WHAT HE TOLD THEM TO.

Meanwhile, the Monkey-in-Chief himself went on American television to say to the people:

"Can ANYBODY fly a plane?!"

Anyway, news that there was a crisis in the housing market may have reached one of Senator Oven-Chip's eight or nine homes (he forgets how many) but he must have missed it.

Fortunately, he was handed a life-line from an unlikely source.

Senator Barry O telephoned the Oven-Chip camp to suggest that, under the current crisis circumstances, they should issue a BI-PARTISAN statement. The Oven-Chip team thought that this was a brilliant idea and then decided that they could go one better and issued a MONO-PARTISAN statement.

This is apparently Senator Oven-Chip's definition of "leadership".

Having rushed to deliver his pronouncement first, the Octogenarian Candidate was quickly wheeled off by his North Korean minders; at Barry O's later press conference, the Illinois Senator was happy to take questions from the Press.

One of these people was described as looking "Presidential"; one was described as looking "near to death".

You won't be surprised to learn that personally I agree with Barry O that the Presidential debate should go ahead. If these are the testing times, then these are when the public MOST need to hear from the two men who would lead them.

On the other fluffy foot, if Mr Oven-Chip REALLY doesn't feel up to it, then he can always ask his Vice Presidential nonimee to stand in for him. After all, that is what she's there for… isn't it?

* Sarah Pain: she's an ANTI-choice, PRO-abstinence/ignorance, Replutocratic CREATIONIST who is PROUD of hunting FLUFFY ANIMALS. What do you THINK I'm going to say about her?

Meanwhile, I appear to have received a SPAM e-mail…

Subject: Hank Paulson's 419 Letter

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship
with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Minister of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country
has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds
of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer,
it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my
replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you
may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation
movement in the 1990s. This transaction is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the
funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds
in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under
surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a
reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the
funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund
account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to so that we may transfer your
commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I
will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be
used to protect funds.

Yours Faithfully, Minister of Treasury Paulson

No comments: