*Yes, this is the cartoon in Wednesday's Metro, but it doesn't half sum up Mr Frown's self-serving double-talk.
Mr Frown has made his speech to the Labour Conference, and people are describing it as "the speech of his life". Which just goes to show how many BAD speeches Mr Frown has made.
He starts with an apology… no, sorry, I've actually READ the speech now, rather than just heard the SPIN. He DOESN'T start with an apology: he starts by blaming everyone else for hurting his feelings over that thing where he put poor people's taxes up by 100%.
"So what happened with 10p, it stung me because it really hurt that suddenly people felt I wasn't on the side of people on middle and modest incomes"
So just let me get this right: the 10p tax rate rise was bad because it stung… Mr Frown?
Suddenly people "FELT" that he wasn't on their side?
This is the Portillo-language of "people THOUGHT the Conservatories were arrogant".
People THOUGHT the Conservatories were arrogant because the Conservatories WERE arrogant, Mr Frown and – sting you though it might – people FELT you weren't on their side because YOU WERE NOT ON THEIR SIDE.
YOU took money from the lowest earners to give a tax cut to the better off – those on middle AND top incomes – because you thought you were being jolly clever and because you thought it would help you win an election.
And the Liberal Democrats TOLD you what you had done. The time to APOLOGISE was immediately after Sir Mr the Merciless's reply to your 2007 budget; the time to fix this was then, eighteen months ago.
So you're still not sorry, you are still arrogant and you still refuse to listen to what people tell you. Believe me, Mr Frown, this sort of story NEVER ENDS WELL for the lead… particularly when you’re a rubbish leader.
Continuing his speech, Mr Frown then takes some time to address the APPALLING CATACLYSM that has engulfed the economy but which is absolutely in no way his fault in spite of his being in charge of regulation of the banking industry for the last eleven years.
He starts by putting things in perspective:
"In truth, we haven't seen anything happening like this since the industrial revolution"
Er, sort of in perspective. In the sense of "lost all". But no, be fair, apart from the World War, the Russian Revolution, the Great Depression, the collapse of the Gold Standard, the OTHER World War, the Oil Shock, the Three Day Week, The Winter of Discontent, The Eighties, the Collapse of Communism, the Stagflation that almost destroyed the Japanese, Black Wednesday and the Dot.com Crash… no, we've never seen ANYTHING like this before.
So with that in mind, he tells us what the Government is going to do:
"Let us be clear the modern role of government is not to provide everything, but it must be to enable everyone."
…which is why the Labour are legislating to BAN EVERYTHING!
No, sorry, what he ACTUALLY says is that he has a five point plan to solve the Credit Crunch Crisis. Hilariously, it's been written by Ms Do As I Say Not Do as I Do.
Here's his plan:
"First, transparency - all transactions need to be transparent and not hidden"
Because wouldn't it be NICE if the Government DIDN'T keep resisting Freedom of Information requests, and what about some proper inquiries into the Al Yamama arms deal, and that small Adventure in the Middle East.
"Second, sound banking, a requirement to demonstrate that risks can be managed and priced for bad times as well as good"
Oooh, so do let's see your risk assessments for, I don’t know, all of those ATOMIC REACTORS you have decided to build. And what are the risks of selling them all off to the French? Or the environmental impact assessment of a Third Heathrow Runway.
"Thirdly, responsibility - no member of a bank's board should be able to say they did not understand the risks they were running and walk away from them"
That would be like Mr Frown actually taking responsibility for the War in Iraq and taking ACTUAL actual responsibility for the 10p Tax Rise. You known, as opposed to saying how people had HURT HIS POOR FEELINGS by their reaction to BEING ROBBED.
"Fourth, integrity - removing conflicts of interest so that bonuses should not be based on short term speculative deals but should be a reward for hard work, effort and enterprise"
So that would be the equivalent of, oh say, the Prime Monster giving up his arbitrary power to call a general election based on the short term speculation about the opinion polls.
"And fifth, global standards and supervision because the flows of capital are global, then supervision can no longer just be national it has to be global too."
'Cos our standing is SOOOO high in the World at the moment, we could really DO with setting the global standards. Presumably they would involve things like everyone agreeing to play by the United Nations rules and then maybe actually STICKING to the United Nations rules rather than going it solo when we didn't like what everyone else said?
I could sit here and do this all day. The simple fact of the matter is this: DON'T, just DO NOT start laying down the law when you are not willing to stick to the same rules yourself. Put your own house in order first, Mr Frown.
Having put the world to rights – with a wave of his magic wand – he then goes into a bit of a SELF-JUSTIFYING reverie:
"You know some people say that there's an inevitable political cycle in this country - as sure as night follows day.
"I don't agree."
…and that's why I'm abolishing elections… oops, did I say that aloud?
And his raison d'être. FAIRNESS. (Translation: I wanted to be Prime Monster all these years and it's turned out to be too hard. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!)
"And why do we always strive for fairness?"
Is it because no one in the right minds would admit to striving for UNFAIRNESS, Mr Frown?
Quite seriously, the idea that Conservatories' aim is deliberate UNFAIRNESS is both stupid and a lie. Obviously the Conservatories' IDEA of what fairness MEANS is DIFFERENT to the Labour and different again to the Liberal Democrat one.
The Conservatories, it seems to me, believe that it is FAIR to let people KEEP what they have – even if that means that people with a lot keep a lot and people with nothing get zippo.
The Liberal Democrats believe that it is FAIR to give people the very best chance in life and to let them make what they can of that, even if it means that some people succeed and some do not, and we accept that your definition of success is different for each individual.
But the Labour, and only the Labour, believe that it is FAIR for THEM to decide what each person deserves based only on the WHIM of who the Prime Monster thinks is good (hard-working families and little tiny babies, at the moment, apparently) and who is bad (people who are single, or differently familied or believe that life is too short to waste every waking moment slaving for the minimum wage, and/or everyone else).
Mr Frown might call that "fairness" but I call it FEUDALISM.
Oh, no, hang on, I am wrong, apparently it's because Mr Frown has "fairness DNA". I'd be FASCINATED to hear what Mr Professor Richard thinks of THAT!
"For me fairness is treating others how we would be treated ourselves"
Oh, so THAT's why the tax and benefit system seems so curiously well tailored for a married couple with young children living in central London on around a hundred grand a year. It's just Mr Frown treating all the rest of us the way he would treat himself. As indeed he does.
"For too long we've developed only some of the talents of some people – but the modern route to social mobility is developing all the talents of all the people…"
Which clearly explain why the Prime Monster has spent a DECADE making it so FRIGHTENINGLY EXPENSIVE to go to University that no one without wealthy parents DARES to run up the debt gambling their entire future on it. The Labour far from developing the talents of all the people has killed social mobility STONE DEAD.
"...helping those who are working their way up from very little and lifting up those in the middle who want to get on. It means supporting what really matters – hard work and effort and enterprise"
Where by "rewarding" the Prime Monster actually means CRUSHING them with a student loan, CRIPPLING them with some of the longest working hours in Europe in the name of so-called productivity, and ENSLAVING them in a hire 'em and fire 'em economy… which then goes bankrupt thanks to the unregulated GREED of those at the top who you have been actively encouraging for the last ten years in order to big up the City of London.
"And fairness is why Harriet Harpic is introducing the first ever equalities bill."
…about ten years late…
"Fairness is why Ed Miliband is ensuring that community and third sector organisations can play their proper part in every neighbourhood."
…so that we can dump our responsibilities on the voluntary sector…
"Fairness is why John Denham is extending university access,"
…if not ability to take up the so generous offer of a lifetime of indentured servitude…
"why Ruth Kelly has introduced for the first time free bus travel for pensioners,"
Would that be in any way similar to the Freedom Pass scheme that gives free travel to Londoners over sixty? The Freedom Pass that was introduced in 1974?
And then I find that the Government announced this policy not in 2008 or 2007 but in 2006… and that a scheme of this kind existed in Wales before then.
Daddy Alex asks if this is me suggesting that Mr Ruth Kelly is HISTORY? The answer, it is YES!
"and why John Hutton and our Labour Members of the European Parliament but are fighting to free agency workers from the scourge of exploitation."
…by any means that avoids granting them human rights like proper citizens.
But MOST egregious of all:
"And it is why our whole party is leading the fight against the British National Party."
Cough, splutter, choke.
You want to "lead" the fight, you do not and I mean this, you DO NOT issue leaflets that suggest that Liberal Democrat policies are "pro-immigrant" as though this is a bad thing; you do not make false claims that inflate the British Nasty Party's prospects which ironically then see them get elected; and absolutely above all you STOP treating people as bad ONLY because they are from ABROAD. You can make the case for managing immigration responsibly but there is no excuse, none whatsoever for automatically treating people, human beings, as criminals. Your refusal, for example, to grant citizenship to women who have been trafficked for prostitution is nothing short of shameful and by policies like that and others, and by the language you use in description of refugees you make the British Nasty Party's case for them.
"the other side of welcoming newcomers who can help Britain is being tough about excluding those adults who won't and can't"
Those are the words of the Prime Monster. In this very speech. As he promises to keep out the immigrants just the way Australia does.
Mr Frown, the Labour is leading the fight FOR the BNP. And again I say, put your house in order.
And then we get to the barfworthy bit. Little tiny babies, I'm telling you.
"For me, the fairer future starts with putting children first…"
"…and so I pledge here today in Manchester starting in over 30 communities, and then over 60, we will, stage by stage, extend free nursery places for two year olds for every parent who…"
…can only make ends meet by going back out to work before they've even had time to get to know their child. The real TRAGEDY here is that Mr Frown cannot even see how MONSTROUS he is being. He thinks he is doing GOOD – just like the paternalistic Victorian moralisers who threw children into the workhouse. But it is NOT good, is it? It cannot be good to EXPECT parents to leave their children in the hands of others.
When did we GIVE UP on hard-working families actually BEING families?
"That's the fairness parents want"
You know, I really don't think that it is, Mr Frown. And if you came out of your BUNKER more than once a year for a set-piece speech, if you actually TALKED to people the way Mr Clogg talks to people week in, week out, I think you would know that too.
"And so today I announce my intention to introduce ground-breaking legislation to enshrine in the law of the land Labour's pledge to end child poverty."
So, er, the Labour are going to make child poverty… illegal? What, people are going to be ARRESTED for letting their children be poor? That bit I said about workhouses, I didn't mean it LITERALLY! And yet, Mr Frown, it seems, does…
Anyway, never mind the economy, never mind being hard up, Mr Frown promises to spend money like water to make things good for the children (won't somebody think of the children). It's not that they aren't good things – catch-up tuition in reading, wireless internet access – or at least not bad things – arbitrary pledges of rights to have your school overhauled if it's failing – but money has to come from somewhere and not just J K Rowling.
That's not ME saying that, that's MR Frown in this very speech. And yet how QUICKLY the Prime Monster does forget:
"But you know, when it comes to public spending you can't just wave a magic wand to conjure up the money - not even with help from Harry Potter"
Oh, Jo… sighs.
Anyway, for the rest of us he's also going to find a cure for cancer, abolish prescription charges and phase in immortality on the NHS.
In the final part of his speech, Mr Frown turns on those people who are to BLAME for all the BAD THINGS. It's not a spoiler to tell you that it's POOR PEOPLE and THE TORIES.
(Yes, I know that’s OBVIOUSLY a contradiction; don't blame me, I'm not the terminally confused sulk-meister who thinks he's Lord Blairimort!)
"Our aim is a something for something, nothing for nothing Britain"
"the dole is only for those looking for work or actively preparing for it"
"Fairness demands that we both punish and prevent"
"Nobody in Britain should get to take more out of the system than they are willing to put in"
This is Mr Frown in VENGEFUL OLD-TESTAMENT PROPHET mood. Obviously, the Labour crowd LOVED this bit.
It is OF COURSE the WICKEDEST form of selfishness: it's the assertion that the poor deserve to be poor; they shouldn't get help if they won’t help themselves. Even at the height of Queen Maggie's power, the Conservatories would have shied away from saying THAT sort of thing. At least in public. How vile and low to hear it from a Labour Prime Monster
If I might go all Senator Joe Bidet on you for a moment:
You start with far-fetched faith in big city bankers. Your policies are then pickled into a rigid dogma, a code, and you go through the years sticking to that, out-dated, misplaced, IRRELEVANT to the real needs, and you end in the GROTESQUE PARODY of a Labour Prime Monster – a LABOUR Prime Monster – scuttling round telling poor people facing an economic meltdown OF HIS OWN MAKING that it's all their fault!
And Mr Neil Knock-Knock APPLAUDED Mr Frown's speech.
And of course, there was the ROUSING attack on the Conservatories – not us, Liberal Democrats, of course. Easier to pick on Master Gideon, whose ineptitude on the economy is fast becoming legendary. I believe the phrase addressed to most BULLIES is "why don't you pick on someone your own size, Mr Frown. His name is VINCE."
Then there was the most famousest line of the speech, the sound-bite that really hit the MEE-JA's spot.
"I'm all in favour of apprenticeships, but let me tell you this is no time for a novice."
What an enormously SELF-SATISFIED GRIN plasters itself across Mr Frown's face at that moment. He is unable to contain it, a genuine emotion at last: SMUGNESS – smugness at just how clever he thinks he is, how cleverly he thinks he can diss both Mr Balloon and Mr Millipede in one sentence. What a piece of work. And don't think that Mr Millipede – applauding at the end of the speech for all of five whole seconds – didn't notice.
One final little rally:
"The Conservatives say our country is broken - but this country has never been broken by anyone or anything."
This IS a great line, great for attacking the Conservatories, anyway. Imagine, attacking them from the RIGHT… on Patriotism.
Of course, resorting to Patriotism is also the last refuge of a scoundrel. But I think we all know Mr Frown is WAY past that point by now.
This wasn't a good speech. This was an evil speech.
Mr Frown will stay on as Prime Monster because the Labour are blind to that. And he will destroy them all.