My top chum, Mr Professor Richard Dawkins – his wife is Time Traveller Romana, you know – has a new series out about how people can be very stupid about SUPERSTITIONS.
For example, the Conservatories STILL think that it is GOOD LUCK to "Touch Redwood", and that is why they have asked the MP for Vulcan South, Mr John Deadwood to come up with BRAND NEW new policies that will be EXACTLY like the OLD policies. Er… who is this supposed to be lucky for?
But do not take MY word for it. Funnily enough, Mr Deadwood's plan does not appear on Mr Balloon's website, but here is the man himself writing in the Daily Hellograph.
The BEST answer for Britain, he says, is to CONCRETE OVER THE HOME COUNTIES. Yes, he wants MORE roads, MORE railways and, just for good measure, MORE aeroplanes as well.
I have SEEN "Planes, Trains and Automobiles"; it does not end well for Uncle Buck!
But Mr Deadwood seems to think that this is a GREEN solution. Building more roads will let people travel more fuel-efficiently, he claims – like he's never heard of the traffic INCREASING to fill the available supply of roads.
Meanwhile, Mr Deadwood's self-styled "tax cut" plan is to SLASH protections for workers so that employers can drive down wages and make people work long hours with no holidays. Then the FAT CATS can make so much extra money it will be JUST LIKE a tax cut!
Liberal Democrat Mr Vince Power Cable, who knows a bit about money, compared the Conservatories' proposed cuts to the "totally fictional" £15 billion of cuts that they claimed to have found at the last election.
Still, at least Mr Deadwood has got the IRRATIONAL on side: young Master Gideon Oboe was hoping up and down saying "Me too, sir! Me too!" and declaring his intention to start a war with Europe.
Later, Mr Professor Richard was seen asking the Observer's ASTROLOGER: "don't you think we should test this theory of yours?"
"Ooh, I don't think we should do THAT!" said the wily astrologer. "No, no, no, that sort of scepticism would never work."
You have to wonder if Mr Balloon isn't wishing he'd asked the astrologers for his policies and left Mr Deadwood reading the tealeaves for gullible Observer readers, don't you.