Yes, it was ME!
Mr Frown phoned me up and said: "Uhh, Millennium, uhhh, all my uhhh colleagues in the uhhh Labour are useless uhhh beggers. You wouldn't uhhh consider being uhhh Home Secretary uhhh, would you?"
And I said "No, Mr Frown! I will not!"
Then he tried to bribe me with that seat in the House of Lords Club that I have always wanted, but no, not even to be called Lord Fluffyphant will I join the Labour!
Imagine how SHOCKED and DISAPPOINTED I was to discover that he has been CHATTING UP Sir Mr the Merciless, AND Captain Ashplant too!
What a SAUCY Secret Stalin he is!
But how did this story LEAK OUT?
People have pointed the fluffy foot of suspicion at Mr Frown himself, but would he REALLY go to the trouble? After all the Liberal Democrats are apparently THIRD on his big list of people he DESPISES.
(We are third behind Lord Blairimort, obviously, and everyone in the Labour who has ever crossed him. I am sorry, the words "who have ever crossed him" are redundant in that last sentence!)
But too many people already KNOW he is a SECRET STALIN. Everyone automatically suspects him when stories about his CONFIDENTIAL MEETINGS appear in the newspapers. And nobody trusts him when he says that he wants to be INCLUSIVE. Most people would rather be clutched to the BOSOM of a BOA CONSTRICTOR. If Boa Constrictors HAD bosoms, of course.
No, I detect the fluffy foot of a different party behind this… [pause for Poirot-esque dramatic moment]… the GRAUNIAD! It was YOU, Monsieur!
Remember, the Grauniad have their own agenda, which is basically similar to the Labour's agenda EXCEPT that where the Labour think that all wisdom flows from the party, the Grauniad thinks that all wisdom flows from the Grauniad.
As far as they are concerned, the Liberal Democrats are just being NAUGHTY by not uniting with the Labour in some nightmarish mish-mash of a "party of the Left". That is "Left" with a CAPITAL Grauniad. It does not seem to have occurred to them that the Liberal Democrats are NOT a party of the "Left", any more than we are a party of the "Right"!
This is why, even when they agree with ALL of our policies – and DISagree with all of Mr Frown's authoritarian warmongering and Magna-Carta-burning – they still say "oh, but we say you must vote for the Labour"!
Typically, they would rather see the Conservatories benefit than try to cope with the idea of a party that believes in Freedom rather than its place on some Marxist Dialectic wallchart.
This story helps the Conservatories to UNDERMINE us in the South: they get made up propaganda of the "Vote Liberal; Get Labour" flavour – even though Mr Balloon was trying to get us to join up with HIM for the London Mayor only a couple of months ago, sort of "Vote Merciless; Get Useless".
This story helps the Labour shore up their support in the North: they get to pretend that they are all INCLUSIVE again and Mr Frown DOESN'T alienate everyone who meets him, oooh no.
The only people this doesn't help is US!
So there is an important lesson here for Liberal Democrats too.
The important lesson to learn is that the Grauniad are NOT OUR FRIENDS!
Now, obviously it is a GREAT PITY that Mr Frown cannot find enough people left in the Labour to fill his cabinet with – after all, who REALLY wants to be picked as SECOND BEST Home Secretary after a cuddly toy? – but what we ought to say to Mr Frown is that we are VERY SORRY but we cannot consider a COALITION under the present circumstances.
There are THREE things that we need before we could even CONSIDER teaming up with the Labour:
First Mr Frown, you must stop being EVIL!
I know it seems like a big thing, but if you could just bring yourself to give up I.D.iot cards… and detention without trial… and the DNA database, and ASBOs and Hoodies… and secret rendition flights, and 3000 new crimes, and exemptions to Freedom of Information, and 81,000 people in prisons and… okay, it IS quite a big thing, but please STOP!
Second, Mr Frown, you are just going to have to stand up to the Monkey-in-Chief and tell him you are going to BRING OUR TROOPS HOME.
The Liberal Democrats thought that Lord Blairimort's Middle Eastern Adventure was WRONG from the get go, while you appear to have quietly GONE ALONG WITH it, signing the cheques from behind the scenes. Well, if we are going to get along, you are going to have to draw a line and put that behind you.
The invasion of Iraq was not and is not the CAUSE of terrorism, but it certainly makes it a whole lot easier for terrorists to go about their DASTARDLY business if you leave lots of people (who might otherwise not turn a blind eye) with the distinct belief that WE are the BADDIES.
British foreign policy should be decided in BRITAIN. Working WITH our European Partners, yes; acting within International Law, Yes; playing our part in the United Nations, YES! But NOT just taking orders from Washington.
That does not mean turning our backs on America, but there are MORE Americans than just their current and quite probably not for very much longer President. The Monkey-in-Chief has recently achieved a WORLD RECORD LOW in approval ratings – do you REALLY want us to be the LAST people on Earth supporting his administration, when even the American RIGHT has dropped him?
And finally, you must give us a proper FAIR ELECTORAL SYSTEM. This is so that people's votes really actually count, and then you should hold a general election so that their votes are really actually counted!
We could not support the Labour remaining in power under the CURRENT system if they loose their majority, because obviously they would have been rejected by the British public and it would be DAFT of us to put them back in again, even if the alternative is to let Mr Balloon drive the country round and round in circles for a bit while he tries to sort out the contradictions in his own party.
But a new electoral system might change that, particularly one like STV where voters can choose which FLAVOUR of a party they prefer – NuLabour or Palaeolithic on the one fluffy foot, "Hello Trees Hello Flowers" Balloonists or Tombstone Conservatories on the other.
But even then Mr Frown, you have to accept that we might choose to join up with Mr Balloon. Or with a different party. Or with no one. Whoever we can get the best shared programme with. Because we are standing because we want to bring people LIBERAL DEMOCRAT polices, NOT just to make it look like you have FRIENDS.