This year, German Chancellor Ms Angular Meerkat gets to play host to the conference of the world's economic super-powers. And Russia.
This has led to ten thousand protestors descending on the small German town of Heiligendamm. In response, Ms Meerkat has deployed SIXTEEN thousand police people, built a SEVEN-MILE-LONG steel-and-barbed-wire fence and concrete wall and dug a SHARK-INFESTED moat[*]. So that's all nice and safe, isn't it?
[*] sharks may be replaced by a wire net for some performances
Next year, Japan had better just take the whole thing off to MONSTER ISLAND! That way they can let the Gord-zilla protect them from any intrusion and cause a whole lot less of this FUSS!
The G8 are gathering to tackle the World's most important problems. It is just a shame they cannot agree what the most important problem actually IS.
(Climate Change, say the Germans; missile shield say the Americans; poverty in Africa says nobody since they're not keeping their Gleneagles Promises.)
So, what are all these G8 protestors protesting ABOUT?
Well, there are the usual groups who are against war or against pollution, or those who are against globalisation who I do not REALLY agree with. But then there also people protesting against the meeting of the G8 itself. Which seems a VERY ODD thing to do. Surely it is better for these world leader-people to talk to each other than for them not to!
Now I suppose it might be because this is a "rich boys" club. And Russia. And that they are EXCLUDING the one-hundred-and-eighty-four OTHER countries that are at the United Nations.
However, the way I see it, by meeting this way, the world's richest countries are not just throwing their enormous financial weight about, but also trying (a bit half-heartedly in some cases, he says looking HARD at the Monkey-in-Chief) trying to take some RESPONSIBILITY for their actions too.
They may not have done a lot about it, but they did at least make a whole lot of promises to get rid of poor countries' debts when Lord Blairimort invited them all round to Gleneagles; this year Ms Meekat has made it her mission to try to do something about Global Warming. And given by the cold reception that the Americans have given her, it must be WORKING!
No, be fair – it IS working!
In fact I would agree that there could be a case for expanding the G8 to a G10 or G11, including China and India and perhaps Pakistan too, because these countries have such huge populations that they make a DRAMATIC impact on global concerns, in particular Climate Change.
(After all, wealth isn't any longer the ABSOLUTE criterion for entry to the club, since Russia got let in. Though THAT might be something to do with their ENORMOUS NUCLEAR ARSENAL. Nice of Mr Vladimir to visit Germany now that he's pointing his nuclear weapons at it!)
China, of course, is currently very happy to stay OUT of this club, because they get an excuse under the Kyoto Protocols to keep expanding their industry and carbon output. They say they do not want to be treated as an "industrial" country until they have had a chance to catch up. Even though it could be as soon as THIS YEAR that they may overtake America to become the world's number one for CO2 emissions.
You could also say that the G8 could be a bit MORE welcoming to some representation for Africa, Asia or the Middle East, or Latin America, or in fact pretty much ANYWHERE south of the Equator.
Did you know that even though half the G8 already comes from Europe, the European Union gets to be represented there too? Isn't there a place for the African Union, as well?
It would be LOVELY if we could all just get along. But as a first step it would be quite nice if just SOME of us could get along. In particular, it would be nice if we could get along without others of us coming and shouting at them. From behind a seven mile fence!
Certainly people SHOULD turn up to voice their protests – there is nothing like actually rubbing their noses in the poverty, famine, plague and whole FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE bit to get the World's Leaders to start shovelling some of the MANURE.
But protesting against them meeting AT ALL is very silly. At the very least, this way we get to KEEP AN EYE ON THEM!
So, next year… MONSTER ISLAND.
Oooh, I do hope the Japanese remember not to serve Mr Vladimir SUSHI!