Day 2369: Après le Deluge

Wednesday:


First there was the HEATWAVE.

Then there was DROUGHT.

Then there were GALES.

Then there were FLOODS.

And on the next day THE LORD spake thus: "What do I have to DO to convince you people about Climate Change?!"


What, you thought I was going to write about something ELSE today?

Oh, all right...

It is the END of an EARACHE! Lord Blairimort has quit as Prime Monster and as MP for Sedgefield too, and now Mr Frown has taken over.

The entire House of Commons rose in SPONTANEOUS cheers of joy when Lord Blairimort finally admitted he was finished. Mr Balloon himself crossed the floor… to do that checking-for-breath-with-a-mirror thing so that he could be sure Lord Blairmort's career really was dead. Mr Frown, of course, had got their first, but had settled for just sticking him with a pin to see if he was faking.

But there was no time for FRIVOLITY, and immediately Mr Frown was whisked off to the PALACE where her Ineffable Majesty, Queen Liz, invested him with the key to the Downing Street EXECUTIVE LAVATORY and divvied up the secret spoilers for Saturday's Doctor Who finale. Then it was back to Downing Street for a speech to his adoring public. i.e. the press.

He said:

"Nya ha ha ha haaaaaaa, it's mine, mine at laaaaaaaaaaaast. Er, and we will bring, uhh, change and newness and, uhh, new change to all of you. Bless the little baby Jesus, goodnight."


It must REALLY irritate Mr Balloon no end to see Mr Frown steeling his HIGH ENERGY WALLPAPER and MODERNIST MUSIC and his mantra of "Change, Change, Change!"

Even more so when – for BOTH OF THEM – it all means "The Same, the Same, the Same!"

Mr Frown, carried into Downing Street on the crest of a wave of public ENNUI, is at least managing to keep that BAYING CROWD of the PRESS happy with a series of impressive PARLOUR TRICKS.

Last week's game of "sawing the Liberal Democrats in half" has been followed by a routine of "find the lady" with Mr Quentin Quentin in the leotard of the glamorous assistant, and for his next trick, it will be the classic "Cabinet of Doom".

You might think that this is the one where Mr Frown plunges a dozen knives into the Cabinet and we see who comes out unscathed, but it is actually a CARD TRICK: he's going to shuffle the deck and come out with all the KNAVES!

First out of Mr Frown's new hand was Mr Eyebrow-stare Darling, tipped to take over the Treasury desk from Mr Frown himself. Darling Mr Eyebrow-stare is just the man for the job. Mr Frown will want him there for the same reason that Lord Blairimort wanted Mrs Bucket as Foreign Secretary: this was because Lord Blairimort was his OWN Foreign Secretary, but it was nice to have someone on payroll who knows how to make the TEA when you've only got a camping stove to hand.

In fact, what everyone seems to have missed is Mr Frown's SMALL PRINT. After all, he DID say he would be forming a government "of all the talents… that we've been using for the last ten years."

So, far from being a CHANGED GANG, Mr Frown's new Cabinet is more of a CHAIN GANG, with everyone shuffling to the next chair around the table.

Mr Frown takes Lord Blairimort's chair, Mr Eyebrow-stare takes Mr Frown's chair leaving the Trade and Industry chair free for Mr Hutton who leaves his Work and Pensions chair for Mr Peter Vain. No jokes about Mr Vain being Pensioned Off, please!

Going the other way around the table, Ms Bleary is reward for coming last in the Deputy Lead contest by being promoted to the Community Chest replacing Mr Ruth Kelly who is transported to Transport replacing junior wooden-top Mr Alexander Douglas-Fir who moves to International Development replacing Mr Benny Hill who is released into the Environment replacing Mr Millipede who gets his reward for not standing against Mr Frown by being sent to "abroad".

(He's replacing Mrs Bucket, who has been kicked, er, out.)

Mr Frown, of course, has very little interest in "abroad", and so will want a proper little crawler bright and intelligent new face to head up the Foreign Office. The BIG surprise is that this ISN'T patched-up Conservatory Scarecrow Sir Malcolm Rifkind. He would have been DELIGHTED to do the job because his level of CROSSNESS with Mr Balloon, for passing him over for the Shadow Foreign Secretary role in favour of Mr Vague, is said to know no bounds.

In fact, Sir Malcolm was only one of several names suggested by the Conservatories in response to Mr Dale Winton rumouring that there would be ANOTHER defection from Mr Balloon's ranks.

Well, I say they "suggested names"; it was more cries of "PURGE THEM! PURGE THE UN-PURE TRAITORS!"

I am not QUITE sure how this zest for ETHNIC-CLEANSING will result in a more MODERATE and COMPASSIONATE Conservatory party, but frankly that is Mr Balloon's problem.

To conclude Mr Frown's reshuffle, though, for reasons that passeth understanding he has put Mr Buff Hoon in the role of Chief Whip – which should be FUNNY if they have any tight votes coming up.

And in an EYE-CATCHING move, the reformed Home Office is to be headed up by the SPICE GIRLS!

Meanwhile, The Minister for Magical Accidents is also being abolished. He is apparently hoping for a role in Europe and is looking forward to becoming an Island in the Balearics.