wibbly wibbly going back to a week gone Thursday effect
Daddy Richard has been unable to help with my diary for AGES because he has been KIDNAPPED by, er, rather strangely dressed aliens from the galaxy of Transylvania who wish to make him join in their FOLK DANCING.
Fortunately, Daddy Alex and a CRACK TEAM of SPACE COWS have gone and rescued Daddy Richard!
I THINK Daddy Alex said "crack team"!
I have borrowed Dr Who's TARDIS and have sent Daddy Richard back in time to go and do all the diaries that he FAILED to do while being kidnapped!
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Day 2010: Big Tent
Wednesday
Millennium Dome
White Elephant
Today I must declare an interest.
I have been approached by Philip Anschutz to host a SUPER CASINO and BOUNCY CASTLE set inside the MINISTER FOR MAGICAL ACCIDENTS.
I have been practicing for my new role by playing DOCTOR WHO TOP TRUMPS with Daddy Alex,
I am pleased to say that I came DEPUTY WINNER! I would have done much better, but Daddy Alex took away my DALEK EMPEROR!
Millennium Dome
White Elephant
Today I must declare an interest.
I have been approached by Philip Anschutz to host a SUPER CASINO and BOUNCY CASTLE set inside the MINISTER FOR MAGICAL ACCIDENTS.
I have been practicing for my new role by playing DOCTOR WHO TOP TRUMPS with Daddy Alex,
I am pleased to say that I came DEPUTY WINNER! I would have done much better, but Daddy Alex took away my DALEK EMPEROR!
Day 2009: The Ultimate West Wing Challenge
Tuesday
Today was American Independence Day and to celebrate in the traditional fashion Daddy Alex has used a GIANT FLYING SAUCER to blow up the White House!
Afterwards, he took us out to TEDDINGTON STUDIOS – named after famous American President Teddington Roosevelt – to see the recording of a special television programme called "Never Mind the Republicans, Have I got News About President Barlett For You?"
This will be shown on More 4 television on the 29th of July, which is the day that they will also show the FINAL episode of "The West Wing".
Our host for the evening was the very fabulous Mr Rory Bremner who told us that he would be using the FLORIDA COUNTING method of calculating the final scores. Or "making them up as he went along" as it is called in Great Britain.
His guests for the evening sat around in a copy of the Oval Office made all the more uncanny by the fact that it was neither Oval nor and Office, included: token American STRIKER McGUIRE who sounds like he should be in Gerry Anderson but is actually in Newsweek (except when Mr Rory accidentally fired him); publicity shy Giant Liberal Democrat Gerbil Mr MARK OATCAKE (unimpressed by Mr Rory's Sir Mr the Merciless impression); and one time Dr Who ARABELLA WEIR!
Oh, and only some bloke called DAVID TENNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[R: sorry, Millennium's nose seems to have become stuck to the exclamation mark key.]
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[R: removes elephant from keyboard and calms him down]
Sorry.
Mr David was very good at the quiz and knew lots of the answers. We think that this is because he is a proper fan and knows stuff (just say to him "music by W.G. 'Snuffy' Walden"!), although Ms Arabella did accuse him of using his TARDIS to go back in time and steel her copy of the answers from the make up room!
There were several different games to play: guess which character is represented by each of these props – runner beans, baby hat, goldfish, lemon, bicycle, space helmet and so on – all delivered on a tray by a US Marine; the complete-the-quote game (with guest voice Donald Rumsfeld as Leo); or the quick-fire round where the teams had to get around the White House in under sixty-seconds.
There was a very fun game where Mr Striker and Mr Oatcake took turns to play press secretary CJ.
Mr Oatcake looked worst in the black Vera Wang, but was much better at blocking inquiry and ducking the difficult questions; Mr Striker – as a journalist – was probably less used to batting for the other side, as he was better at asking questions than avoiding them!
But our favourite round was probably the "can you walk and talk at the same time" round which used the miracle of special effects (and a treadmill) to give the illusion that Ms Arabella and Mr David were recreating those famous scenes where the West Wingers walk three times round the White House while delivering witty monologues on the state of America all without falling flat on their faces. Mr David and Ms Arabella had to answer tricky questions on "The West Wing"… without falling flat on their faces – a task make harder by the MYSTERY DIAL on Mr Rory's desk!
(What almost certainly won't be broadcast, but WAS very funny, was Ms Arabella's discourse – while being strapped into her travel mike and safety harness – on the discrete use of giant toilet rolls. DO NOT ASK! FLUFFY ELEPHANTS DO NOT UNDERSTAND!)
In the end, we do not know who won, because Mr Rory recorded TWO endings! It is just like being on the secret set of the final scenes of Doctor Who, isn't it!
With the show "in the can", Daddy Alex made us hang around for a little while so that we could meet Mr David at the stage door.
Well… I say "us", Daddy Alex and I waited at the stage door with some excited girls, but Daddy Richard went and hid in a plant pot because he is SHY.
While we were waiting, Mr Oatcake swept out, but did not stop to say hello to Daddy Alex, which just shows how UNIMPORTANT in Lib Dems Mr Oatcake is these days!
Mr David, on the other fluffy foot, was a VERY nice man and even though it was late at night he was happy to give some of his time to his fans and signed his autograph on the Doctor Who DVD that ENTIRELY BY COINCIDENCE Daddy Alex had about his person.
He tipped us off that his new companion was being announced in about an hour-and-a-half with a midnight press release, and also pointed out his newly shaved side-burns because filming on the NEW SERIES of Doctor Who would be starting on Thursday (that's July the 6th) and they had already had the first read-through.
We wished him good luck for the new season… and all the future ones too!
Today was American Independence Day and to celebrate in the traditional fashion Daddy Alex has used a GIANT FLYING SAUCER to blow up the White House!
Afterwards, he took us out to TEDDINGTON STUDIOS – named after famous American President Teddington Roosevelt – to see the recording of a special television programme called "Never Mind the Republicans, Have I got News About President Barlett For You?"
This will be shown on More 4 television on the 29th of July, which is the day that they will also show the FINAL episode of "The West Wing".
Our host for the evening was the very fabulous Mr Rory Bremner who told us that he would be using the FLORIDA COUNTING method of calculating the final scores. Or "making them up as he went along" as it is called in Great Britain.
His guests for the evening sat around in a copy of the Oval Office made all the more uncanny by the fact that it was neither Oval nor and Office, included: token American STRIKER McGUIRE who sounds like he should be in Gerry Anderson but is actually in Newsweek (except when Mr Rory accidentally fired him); publicity shy Giant Liberal Democrat Gerbil Mr MARK OATCAKE (unimpressed by Mr Rory's Sir Mr the Merciless impression); and one time Dr Who ARABELLA WEIR!
Oh, and only some bloke called DAVID TENNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[R: sorry, Millennium's nose seems to have become stuck to the exclamation mark key.]
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[R: removes elephant from keyboard and calms him down]
Sorry.
Mr David was very good at the quiz and knew lots of the answers. We think that this is because he is a proper fan and knows stuff (just say to him "music by W.G. 'Snuffy' Walden"!), although Ms Arabella did accuse him of using his TARDIS to go back in time and steel her copy of the answers from the make up room!
There were several different games to play: guess which character is represented by each of these props – runner beans, baby hat, goldfish, lemon, bicycle, space helmet and so on – all delivered on a tray by a US Marine; the complete-the-quote game (with guest voice Donald Rumsfeld as Leo); or the quick-fire round where the teams had to get around the White House in under sixty-seconds.
There was a very fun game where Mr Striker and Mr Oatcake took turns to play press secretary CJ.
Mr Oatcake looked worst in the black Vera Wang, but was much better at blocking inquiry and ducking the difficult questions; Mr Striker – as a journalist – was probably less used to batting for the other side, as he was better at asking questions than avoiding them!
But our favourite round was probably the "can you walk and talk at the same time" round which used the miracle of special effects (and a treadmill) to give the illusion that Ms Arabella and Mr David were recreating those famous scenes where the West Wingers walk three times round the White House while delivering witty monologues on the state of America all without falling flat on their faces. Mr David and Ms Arabella had to answer tricky questions on "The West Wing"… without falling flat on their faces – a task make harder by the MYSTERY DIAL on Mr Rory's desk!
(What almost certainly won't be broadcast, but WAS very funny, was Ms Arabella's discourse – while being strapped into her travel mike and safety harness – on the discrete use of giant toilet rolls. DO NOT ASK! FLUFFY ELEPHANTS DO NOT UNDERSTAND!)
In the end, we do not know who won, because Mr Rory recorded TWO endings! It is just like being on the secret set of the final scenes of Doctor Who, isn't it!
With the show "in the can", Daddy Alex made us hang around for a little while so that we could meet Mr David at the stage door.
Well… I say "us", Daddy Alex and I waited at the stage door with some excited girls, but Daddy Richard went and hid in a plant pot because he is SHY.
While we were waiting, Mr Oatcake swept out, but did not stop to say hello to Daddy Alex, which just shows how UNIMPORTANT in Lib Dems Mr Oatcake is these days!
Mr David, on the other fluffy foot, was a VERY nice man and even though it was late at night he was happy to give some of his time to his fans and signed his autograph on the Doctor Who DVD that ENTIRELY BY COINCIDENCE Daddy Alex had about his person.
He tipped us off that his new companion was being announced in about an hour-and-a-half with a midnight press release, and also pointed out his newly shaved side-burns because filming on the NEW SERIES of Doctor Who would be starting on Thursday (that's July the 6th) and they had already had the first read-through.
We wished him good luck for the new season… and all the future ones too!
Day 2008: Best of British
Monday
As the news comes in today that another GIANT ASTEROID has narrowly missed scoring the literally ultimate World Cup Goal, Mr Balloon rushes out an announcement that the Conservatories will change the rules so that if it is going to hit ENGLAND then only ENGLISH MP's can vote on it!
(If it hits Scotland that is the Scottish Parliament's problem!)
This is, I am SAD to say, a bit typical of the Conservatories attitude of DEFEATISM and RETREAT. Rather than trying to make things better, they just want to QUIT, whether it is the European Union or the Human Rights or now even the United Kingdom!
It also bears the hallmarks of Mr Balloon's "policy" making process:
Step one: oh corks, I need a policy
Step two: I say, what a jolly band wagon going past
Step three: say first thing that comes into head
Step four: erm ...
Then have Mr Gove / Mr Eddy / Head Boy George row back quickly, explaining that full policy detail will arrive later when Ken / Zak / Oily / Zarbi Supremo complete report from whichever commission / think-tank / junket / children's party they have been put in charge of.
Still, the time he saves by not THINKING can be well spent being Britain's top partycrashers guests.
Mr Alan Dunk'n, normally Trade and Industry spokesperson but today tasked with covering Mr Balloon's back, said:
"I'm beginning to think it is almost impossible now to have a Scottish prime minister because they would be at odds with the basic construction of the British constitution,"
Well, ACTUALLY it is almost impossible for the Conservatories to have a Scottish Prime Minister because they have ALMOST NO Scottish MPs!
(It does not seem very likely that the Conservatories will be getting any more MPs from Scotland if they keep on saying that Scottish MPs are SECOND CLASS!)
Some people have thought that this was an attack on Mr Frown, but that is SILLY, because everyone knows that Mr Frown is ENGLISH now!
(Actually, this kind of thing is a consequence of Lord Blairimort making the Prime Minister's job much more PRESIDENTIAL – and consequentially, making elections much more about who is up for the TOP JOB rather than their party and what they stand for. Odd, that, you would think, what with all the proud and noble things Lord Blairimort's party stands for… er…)
It would be INTERESTING to hear what Mr Alan thinks IS the basic construction of the British Constitution.
I think that the basis of a constitution should be how a PARLIAMENT represents all of the people all of the time and does not leave some of the people more represented than others.
The REAL problem for the Conservatories, of course, is that – after Bromley – they are beginning to think that it is almost impossible to have a MR BALLOON Prime Minister of the United Kingdom!
So facing DEFEAT, they choose to RETREAT.
Rather than go out to the people of Scotland and Wales (and the north of England, and the West of England) as the Liberal Democrats have done, clever Mr B comes up with a whizzo scam – he's going to try and convince the people who WILL listen to him (that would be the RICH people in the South East of England) that somehow they are being CHEATED.
They are already putting it about that in England, the Conservatories won more votes than the Labour. This is neither here nor there: the Conservatories say that there is nothing wrong with the First Pass the Port voting system and on that basis the Labour STILL won more SEATS in England – another example of Mr Balloon trying to have it both ways!
Or, as Daddy Alex points out, what Mr Balloon really means is: "Whine, whine, whine. It's not fair!"
In fact, I am only surprised that we have not heard Mr Balloon announce:
"well, Bromley is not really in London it is in Kent, so the voters there should not get to vote on who comes to Parliament in London!"
So what is wrong with Mr Balloon's back-of-a-fag-packet proposals?
Firstly, it is CONFUSING.
The Parliament at Westminster is elected to govern the WHOLE of the United Kingdom. Mr Balloon is trying to get it to do two jobs at once (maybe "three-jobs-Bob" is his new advisor!) and there may be a CONFLICT OF INTEREST. What happens if MPs for English constituencies start putting the interests of England ahead of their duty as MPs for Britain?
Also, powers of government in the UK are DEVOLVED, not FEDERAL – the Parliament in Edinburgh and the Assembly in Wales do not have EQUAL powers to Westminster but instead are SUBSIDIARY to it. E.g. Scotland can only vary their tax rate up and down a bit, but not decide to have a completely different tax system of their own. English MPs still get to control Scottish taxes when they vote on the Finance Act every year. It is not true to say that tuition fees laws only affect England and Wales, as they force the Scottish Parliament to do loop the loops of its own to work around them.
It is by no means CLEAR CUT which bills are "English Only" – is it "English Only" when Parliament debates the Portsmouth Navel Docks? Or shipbuilding in Cumbria (not on the Clyde). Is it "English Only" when Parliament debates building atomic reactors? What if wants to build them in Gretna Green?
You could get around this by making a SEPARATE parliament for ENGLAND in the same way that there is a parliament for SCOTLAND. BUT, this means a whole EXTRA bunch of politicians and no one in England wants it anyway!
The second problem for Mr Balloon is SIZE.
England may comprise 53% of the LAND of the United Kingdom, but it contains 84% of the PEOPLE of the United Kingdom. This is a very UNEQUAL relationship and is the source of most of the problems!
For ever such a long time, this meant that the England-dominated Westminster Parliament told the people in Scotland and Wales what to do, and the people in Scotland and Wales felt that Westminster did not listen to them.
Mr Balloon wants to re-create this situation, only this time with the roles of Scotland and Wales played by the North of England and the West of England (where COINCIDENTALLY he gets NO VOTES).
So what Mr Balloon OUGHT to do is divide England up into eight to ten bits each about the same size (in population) as Scotland. Call them the Kingdom of Cornwall, the Empire of Yorkshire, the Grand Duchy of Chester, Middle England-land, England-on-Sea, Gymkhana-land, London and Anglia. Newcastle and Sunderland can fight a war over what to call their corner up at the top. Give each of them a parliament.
The problem this time is that it is a whole EXTRA bunch of politicians AGAIN and no one in England wants it anyway only more so! Though to be fair, that IS because the Minister for Magical Accidents came up with the WORST POSSIBLE "regional government" – i.e. a giant QUANGO – for the people of the North-East to vote on, so OBVIOUSLY they said no to THAT!
This leaves Mr Balloon's last solution: abolish all the Scottish and Welsh MPs so that the Westminster Parliament is just for England. Then Mr Balloon can be Prime Minister of what is left. You could not call it Great Britain any more; you would have to call it something like Littler Britain.
So Mr Balloon can be Prime Minister of Littler Britain.
Problem: job may already be taken!
As the news comes in today that another GIANT ASTEROID has narrowly missed scoring the literally ultimate World Cup Goal, Mr Balloon rushes out an announcement that the Conservatories will change the rules so that if it is going to hit ENGLAND then only ENGLISH MP's can vote on it!
(If it hits Scotland that is the Scottish Parliament's problem!)
This is, I am SAD to say, a bit typical of the Conservatories attitude of DEFEATISM and RETREAT. Rather than trying to make things better, they just want to QUIT, whether it is the European Union or the Human Rights or now even the United Kingdom!
It also bears the hallmarks of Mr Balloon's "policy" making process:
Step one: oh corks, I need a policy
Step two: I say, what a jolly band wagon going past
Step three: say first thing that comes into head
Step four: erm ...
Then have Mr Gove / Mr Eddy / Head Boy George row back quickly, explaining that full policy detail will arrive later when Ken / Zak / Oily / Zarbi Supremo complete report from whichever commission / think-tank / junket / children's party they have been put in charge of.
Still, the time he saves by not THINKING can be well spent being Britain's top party
Mr Alan Dunk'n, normally Trade and Industry spokesperson but today tasked with covering Mr Balloon's back, said:
"I'm beginning to think it is almost impossible now to have a Scottish prime minister because they would be at odds with the basic construction of the British constitution,"
Well, ACTUALLY it is almost impossible for the Conservatories to have a Scottish Prime Minister because they have ALMOST NO Scottish MPs!
(It does not seem very likely that the Conservatories will be getting any more MPs from Scotland if they keep on saying that Scottish MPs are SECOND CLASS!)
Some people have thought that this was an attack on Mr Frown, but that is SILLY, because everyone knows that Mr Frown is ENGLISH now!
(Actually, this kind of thing is a consequence of Lord Blairimort making the Prime Minister's job much more PRESIDENTIAL – and consequentially, making elections much more about who is up for the TOP JOB rather than their party and what they stand for. Odd, that, you would think, what with all the proud and noble things Lord Blairimort's party stands for… er…)
It would be INTERESTING to hear what Mr Alan thinks IS the basic construction of the British Constitution.
I think that the basis of a constitution should be how a PARLIAMENT represents all of the people all of the time and does not leave some of the people more represented than others.
The REAL problem for the Conservatories, of course, is that – after Bromley – they are beginning to think that it is almost impossible to have a MR BALLOON Prime Minister of the United Kingdom!
So facing DEFEAT, they choose to RETREAT.
Rather than go out to the people of Scotland and Wales (and the north of England, and the West of England) as the Liberal Democrats have done, clever Mr B comes up with a whizzo scam – he's going to try and convince the people who WILL listen to him (that would be the RICH people in the South East of England) that somehow they are being CHEATED.
They are already putting it about that in England, the Conservatories won more votes than the Labour. This is neither here nor there: the Conservatories say that there is nothing wrong with the First Pass the Port voting system and on that basis the Labour STILL won more SEATS in England – another example of Mr Balloon trying to have it both ways!
Or, as Daddy Alex points out, what Mr Balloon really means is: "Whine, whine, whine. It's not fair!"
In fact, I am only surprised that we have not heard Mr Balloon announce:
"well, Bromley is not really in London it is in Kent, so the voters there should not get to vote on who comes to Parliament in London!"
So what is wrong with Mr Balloon's back-of-a-fag-packet proposals?
Firstly, it is CONFUSING.
The Parliament at Westminster is elected to govern the WHOLE of the United Kingdom. Mr Balloon is trying to get it to do two jobs at once (maybe "three-jobs-Bob" is his new advisor!) and there may be a CONFLICT OF INTEREST. What happens if MPs for English constituencies start putting the interests of England ahead of their duty as MPs for Britain?
Also, powers of government in the UK are DEVOLVED, not FEDERAL – the Parliament in Edinburgh and the Assembly in Wales do not have EQUAL powers to Westminster but instead are SUBSIDIARY to it. E.g. Scotland can only vary their tax rate up and down a bit, but not decide to have a completely different tax system of their own. English MPs still get to control Scottish taxes when they vote on the Finance Act every year. It is not true to say that tuition fees laws only affect England and Wales, as they force the Scottish Parliament to do loop the loops of its own to work around them.
It is by no means CLEAR CUT which bills are "English Only" – is it "English Only" when Parliament debates the Portsmouth Navel Docks? Or shipbuilding in Cumbria (not on the Clyde). Is it "English Only" when Parliament debates building atomic reactors? What if wants to build them in Gretna Green?
You could get around this by making a SEPARATE parliament for ENGLAND in the same way that there is a parliament for SCOTLAND. BUT, this means a whole EXTRA bunch of politicians and no one in England wants it anyway!
The second problem for Mr Balloon is SIZE.
England may comprise 53% of the LAND of the United Kingdom, but it contains 84% of the PEOPLE of the United Kingdom. This is a very UNEQUAL relationship and is the source of most of the problems!
For ever such a long time, this meant that the England-dominated Westminster Parliament told the people in Scotland and Wales what to do, and the people in Scotland and Wales felt that Westminster did not listen to them.
Mr Balloon wants to re-create this situation, only this time with the roles of Scotland and Wales played by the North of England and the West of England (where COINCIDENTALLY he gets NO VOTES).
So what Mr Balloon OUGHT to do is divide England up into eight to ten bits each about the same size (in population) as Scotland. Call them the Kingdom of Cornwall, the Empire of Yorkshire, the Grand Duchy of Chester, Middle England-land, England-on-Sea, Gymkhana-land, London and Anglia. Newcastle and Sunderland can fight a war over what to call their corner up at the top. Give each of them a parliament.
The problem this time is that it is a whole EXTRA bunch of politicians AGAIN and no one in England wants it anyway only more so! Though to be fair, that IS because the Minister for Magical Accidents came up with the WORST POSSIBLE "regional government" – i.e. a giant QUANGO – for the people of the North-East to vote on, so OBVIOUSLY they said no to THAT!
This leaves Mr Balloon's last solution: abolish all the Scottish and Welsh MPs so that the Westminster Parliament is just for England. Then Mr Balloon can be Prime Minister of what is left. You could not call it Great Britain any more; you would have to call it something like Littler Britain.
So Mr Balloon can be Prime Minister of Littler Britain.
Problem: job may already be taken!
Day 2007: Millennium the Chef
Sunday
Daddy Alex has written a recipe, so I have decided to make it!
First gather your ingredients…
One quick whisk later!
Serve by either
Daddy Alex has written a recipe, so I have decided to make it!
First gather your ingredients…
One quick whisk later!
Serve by either
- sticking your whole head in the bowl and slurping
- sucking up as much as you can with your nose and spraying it at Daddy. This is more fun, but less tasty
You will need a Daddy to spin dry you clean afterwards.
Enjoy!
Day 2006: DOCTOR WHO: Army of Ghosts
Saturday
Three-D glasses; glamorous female villain; inter-dimensional shenanigans; setting close to the meridian line; old monster favourites returning in bucket loads; Peggy Mitchell….
Is it me, or is there some sort of extended "DIMENSIONS IN TIME" joke going on here?
Let's see what Daddy Richard thinks:
Three-D glasses; glamorous female villain; inter-dimensional shenanigans; setting close to the meridian line; old monster favourites returning in bucket loads; Peggy Mitchell….
Is it me, or is there some sort of extended "DIMENSIONS IN TIME" joke going on here?
Let's see what Daddy Richard thinks:
"Army of Ghosts" opens with a monologue from Billie Piper which clearly tells us that the news of her departure was intended to leak. "This is the story of how I died" gains a huge frisson of "they really mean it" from knowing that the lead actress is about to depart the series. A beautifully shot montage of scenes from the series near-signature London bus, to a stunning alien world, to what for all we know could be the shores of the undiscovered country itself, a bleached out beach of rock and a departed Rose composing her own eulogy.
And then juxtapose that against the happy, jaunty arrival – a jazzy swing version of "Song for Ten" playing over the TARDIS arrival in a playground ("Nod to Survival?" asks Alex) followed by hugs and kisses from Jackie (and doesn't the Doctor just have that "snog from granny at Christmas" look).
It's another perfect rendering of the 2000's series core values: weird, nay, mystic science fantasy collides with domestic.
Anyway, onto the story. The dead, it seems, are back – and in a way this turns out to be true, though in a more horrible way than even the Doctor imagines. The episode moves very quickly, and is full of excitement and spectacle, but don't take your eyes off this moment: this story is about things returning, dead things even.
Russell doesn't miss the opportunity utter another cautious word about credulity: the all too human ability to believe things because we want to believe. Jackie twice gives voice to the opposite view: "you're spoiling it" she complains when the Doctor's reaction is not one of acceptance; and "you're always doing that, reducing things to science" could be the mission statement for the whole series – "Science, Miss Hawthorne!" – but it's good to be reminded that some people do not want their illusions shattering. Jackie's illusions seems harmless enough (though try and remember just what it really is in her kitchen that she is blithely calling "Dad") but Yvonne Hartman's illusions (that she is in control of the dimensional rift) have the most appalling consequences, and she too won't let the Doctor shatter them.
But this is a great episodes for Jackie – let's not forget that it is probably her swansong too – with a trip in the TARDIS, and a lot of the companion lines (while temporarily subbing for Rose) showing that it's not just her daughter who can be quite bright. But all delivered with Jackie's usual abrasive style – classic Jackie lines like: "ooo, 'e doesn't like it when I know more than 'im, does 'e!", "If we end up on Mars, I'm going to kill you!" or "I'll tell you where my ankle's going!"
And was that another little homage – to "Frontios", this time – outside the TARDIS door?
Speaking of homage, you have to ask yourself what else Russell T Davis has been reading this year. It might just have been me, but it seemed that this episode went out of its way to tweak the nose of the Outpost Gallifrey rumour mill. One early rumour, sparked by the title "Army of Ghosts" was the return of the Gelth ("Unquiet Dead") – quickly scotched by the Doctor himself; another doing the rounds is that Rose will evolve into a Time Lord (rather as Ace was destined to do in the lost season twenty-seven and again in the webcast "Death Comes at Tea Time") which seemed to be being heavily hinted at in the scene where Jackie speaks of Rose in the future as "a strange woman, not Rose Tyler any more, not even human any more."
Russell has long since said that he always knew the end of Rose's journey. I had thought that he intended that she would come home in the end, discovering her place in this world having been so far out of it. And I don't believe, dramatically, that Rose's story can end in her actual death. And yet, and yet… the drama is written well enough that at this moment, I can't guess.
The big star of this episode is, of course, the Torchwood Institute itself.
Like last year's "Bad Wolf", we've been tripping over the forward references to Torchwood as the season has progressed. Unlike last year, people have been much more ambivalent about it. Perhaps they were trying to catch lightning in a bottle twice; perhaps the early announcement of spin-off series "Torchwood" took the edge off. Whatever it was, there wasn't the same buzz about it this time. But then maybe that helped: people thought it was all a trail for the spin-off and suddenly blam the Doctor is caught by them and they’ve labelled him the enemy.
Or for Mad Larry fans: The Enemy.
I wondered, previously, whether this two-parter would lead to re-evaluation of the rest of the series. I begin to be more confident that it will, with the whole seeming to pull together now, not apart. An example from "The Impossible Planet": Mr Jefferson's line "fuel for the Empire" suddenly has a different and darker spin on it now we know that Torchwood (they all work for the Torchwood Archive, remember) Torchwood's aim is a resurrected British Empire. Somehow an Earth Empire sounds, well, cleaner. The British Empire – like much else on this show – is a dead thing that should not be brought back.
Tracey Ann Oberman deserves a round of applause – "I'll say!" – for her star turn as the management-speak gushing face of the Institute. Perfectly capturing that "I want to punch you" false bonhomie, she makes a terrific hubristic villain. Special kudos for the couple of moments where she does let the act drop and we see the darker Yvonne underneath. Even in the trailer last week, from her sunglasses and grin, we knew that this was a terrific "I deserve everything that's coming to me" performance. Like Jackie, she's a terrific foil for the Doctor, and I think it even improves David Tennant's performance too, giving him a relationship more abrasive to strike off.
Worth mentioning, this week also sees the first Doctor Who appearance for Freema Adeyama, next year's new companion Martha Jones, but this year – in a Doctor Who tradition that goes all the way back to Morton Dill in the Chase – she is playing Adeola, lackey of the Torchwood Institute and victim of the Cybermen. She only had a little time to impress on screen, but managed to give us charming in both naïve and sinister flavours. Bodes well.
Lovely reveal of their "secret" location (even if the slight difference in stock just screamed "stock footage", possibly for the first time this series.)
London Eye, Big Ben, Downing Street, Tower of London, Gherkin, Battersea Power Station, Alexandra Palace… I suspect that Number One Canary Wharf was just next on Russell T Davies shopping list of London landmarks, though it would be nice to think that it was another of the TV series nods to the books, referencing "The Time Travellers".
(Actually, it would also be nice if the new series decided to go to a few other places than London or Cardiff. Arthur's Seat in Edinburgh, the Angel of the North, Clifton Suspension Bridge, Stonehenge, the new Birmingham Bull Ring, York Minster or Yorvik, or Manchester circa 1973 (erm): these and many other all deserve inclusion on any list of Great British Landmarks. Some of them even have BBC studios nearby.)
Their Vault (can I mention that reference to the books, too?) is terrifically well realised: a Jathaa Sunglider (NOT a Jaffa Death-glider – that would be copyright "Stargate"); a sarcophagus (from Sutekh's tomb, perhaps?); and was that a salvaged X-Wing under that tarpaulin behind the TARDIS when Rose slipped out? It's a visual treat that speaks volumes of Torchwood's jackdaw habit. "If it's alien, it's ours!"
The Lever Room and the Sphere Room – the top and bottom of the Torchwood Tower – are further great pieces of visual design: the one sterile white the other brassy gold, they could almost be made as reception areas for Cybermen and…
…ah, it's nice to have a great entrance, isn't it?
We didn't know for sure, but we had had it spoilered by the newspapers and the Internet rumours, the BAFTA appearance and the series' own BBC press release so it wasn't an "Earthshock" level shock. Nevertheless it was the biggest of big "give the audience what they want" moments.
The Daleks are back. Dead things returning.
Their Void Ship – and doesn't it just impress upon you that the Daleks really could have fought a war against the Time Lords when even the Doctor thinks that their ship is impossible – is another Mad Larry riff, I think, with a featureless black sphere overseeing the unfolding events "outside of time and space" in his "The Adventuress of Henrietta Street" – and that would have turned out to be Daleks too, had copyright lawyers in bonded-polycarbide armour not intervened.
It was great to see them back, but it was also great the way they were brought back. Doctor Who without the Daleks was always unthinkable, and last years destruction of the Emperor and all his human-Daleks seemed… unwise. But it would have been too easy to have a lazy "so you survived after all" cliché of the kind that turned the Master into a laughing stock. This way, it is their own devilish cleverness that let them ride the Void ship into hell and thus escape the annihilation of the Emperor in his "heaven".
All of which is a magnificent set up… but will next weeks finale pay off? Doctor Who is in danger of falling into that old Star Trek trap of having a terrific episode up to the cliff-hanger… and then it all being a bit too easy in part two. "The Parting of the Ways", "The Age of Steel" and even "The Satan Pit" have all had a slight sense of let down – and though "World War Three" was definitely better than "Aliens of London", it still had the terrifically lucky "my password will hack anything" factor to overcome.
And have the production team set themselves up? For the ultimate rumble, Daleks versus Cybermen, you're going to have to answer that age old question (Barry Letts wanted to answer it for season ten!): "who would win a fight between…" (Don't even think about wimping out.) So someone's going to be disappointed if it doesn't turn out that their favourite monster is best.
Someone's got to win. And let's face it, it's the Daleks.
Next week: We're doomed, Cap'n Mannering, dooooooooooooomed
Day 2005: And the Winner Is…
Friday
Well of course, it is BEN ABBOTTS in Bromley, even though he came second, though we should not forget Trish Law and Dai Davies in Blaenau Gwent too.
Well done to everyone who took part.
After a day of unremittingly bad news for the Conservatories, a whole troupe of them came on the radio and the telly to say:
"It's not fair! It's not our fault!"
Leading off was Conservatory Aunt Francis Maude, promising to drive change "faster wider and deeper". Someone should remind Aunt Maude that when you are in a hole, faster and deeper is NOT the way you want to go!
Later Mr Balloon himself weighed in, breaking one of the rules of story management: "don't keep a bad news story going".
It is a funny thing, but in Bromley the Liberal Democrats got MORE votes in the by-election than they did in the general election. You would think if they were putting people off from voting, then their vote would have gone down too.
Perhaps it is venal self-serving greedy lazy people – people who want to do FOUR paid jobs when most folks struggle to get by on one, or who cannot be bothered to fill their forms in truthfully – perhaps it is THAT sort of people who put off voters.
Did anyone lose lots of votes from the general election last year?
Here is another interesting thought: if you are supposed to be attracting all the Liberal Democrat voters, do you think that it is a GOOD IDEA or a BAD IDEA to be attacking the Liberal Democrats?
Mr Balloon's Conservatories: two faced or just don't know which way they are going?
Well of course, it is BEN ABBOTTS in Bromley, even though he came second, though we should not forget Trish Law and Dai Davies in Blaenau Gwent too.
Well done to everyone who took part.
After a day of unremittingly bad news for the Conservatories, a whole troupe of them came on the radio and the telly to say:
"It's not fair! It's not our fault!"
Leading off was Conservatory Aunt Francis Maude, promising to drive change "faster wider and deeper". Someone should remind Aunt Maude that when you are in a hole, faster and deeper is NOT the way you want to go!
Later Mr Balloon himself weighed in, breaking one of the rules of story management: "don't keep a bad news story going".
It is a funny thing, but in Bromley the Liberal Democrats got MORE votes in the by-election than they did in the general election. You would think if they were putting people off from voting, then their vote would have gone down too.
Perhaps it is venal self-serving greedy lazy people – people who want to do FOUR paid jobs when most folks struggle to get by on one, or who cannot be bothered to fill their forms in truthfully – perhaps it is THAT sort of people who put off voters.
Did anyone lose lots of votes from the general election last year?
Here is another interesting thought: if you are supposed to be attracting all the Liberal Democrat voters, do you think that it is a GOOD IDEA or a BAD IDEA to be attacking the Liberal Democrats?
Mr Balloon's Conservatories: two faced or just don't know which way they are going?
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Day 2004: Un-Eddy-Vaizey-fying
Thursday
By-elections today!
The Conservatories in Bromley really ought to be expecting to do very, very well in Bromley. Even when they lost the last general election last year, they still got 51.1% of the vote (the Labour got beaten down to 22.2% and the Liberals got a creditable improvement to 20.3%) so they should be expecting WELL into the 50s if not the 60% bracket!
Having TANKED in Scotland – SLUMPING to a poor FOURTH in Dunfermline and West Fife, and FLAT-LINING in Moray – the Conservatories must have been thanking their lucky stars that if they HAD to get a by-election it was such a safe win for them as a seat like this.
So what then can explain the ABJECT TERROR behind this attack on the Liberal Democrats by Mr Ed Vaizey in the Grauniad?
(What, you might ask incidentally, is a National Newspaper doing giving such a blatant party political as this to the Conservatories the day before their defence of a by-election? Well, ask yourself: what does the LABOUR supporting Grauniad have to gain by letting a CONSERVATORY lay into the LIBERAL DEMOCRATS? It's a MYSTERY!)
You should go and read his article in full, because Mr Eddy GUARANTEES that Liberal Democrats will misquote it somehow.
Since that is a GUARANTEE Mr Eddy will no doubt, after the result, provide some PROOF that he was misquoted. Or admit that this was a FIB.
One thing is clear from this, and it is that Mr Eddy-fying is in training for the 2012 Olympics, where he will be representing England in the Chutzpah!
For those people who haven't noticed, when Mr Eddy complains about not seeing Liberal policies – he comes from the Conservatory Party that doesn't HAVE any policies!
In case people have forgotten, when Mr Eddy complains about the Liberal tactics – he comes from the SAME Conservatory Party whose campaign in Cheadle was ENTIRELY about how Mark Hunter lived a BUS RIDE away! At least, it was when it wasn't being LIBELLOUS! One local Newspaper denounced the Conservatory campaign for MISREPRESENTATION. Remember Mr Eddy's GUARANTEE?
And if there are any people who cannot spot the difference, when Mr Eddy asserts that Ben Abbotts has "two jobs" too – "three jobs Bob" gets £49,265 for moonlighting as a GLA member for the next two years while Bromley Councillors like Ben get an allowance of £9,470.
(Which is hardly a living wage, although that actually looks pretty generous now I find out about it – aren't councillor's allowances normally about £3,000? Who's been running this council, then? [R: answer: Mr Balloon])
Mr Eddy asks:
"Why are they indulging in personal and highly misleading attacks on Bob Neill, who will be an excellent MP for the area?"
In that case, if it is so BAD, why is Mr Eddy trying to turn those same attacks against the Liberal Democrats? Isn't that just a bit HYPOCRITICAL?
Let's not mention that Mr Bob and Mr Balloon have gone down like a BUCKET of COLD SICK in Bromley.
After all, Mr Bob's track record speaks for itself, including:
* making a FALSE DECLARATION on his nomination form;
* upsetting the pensioners by refusing to sign their petition;
* arrogantly insisting he will keep his other highly-paid jobs;
* and even getting wrapped over the knuckles by FIFA for abusing the WORLD CUP!
Don't the local people of Bromley DESERVE to know all this about the man Mr Eddy thinks would be "excellent"?
And Mr Eddy decides to attack the Liberal Democrats for making a campaign of it!
Could it be that Conservatory Central Office have only just realised that Mr Balloon has made a TOTAL HORLICKS out of ANOTHER by-election?
By-elections today!
The Conservatories in Bromley really ought to be expecting to do very, very well in Bromley. Even when they lost the last general election last year, they still got 51.1% of the vote (the Labour got beaten down to 22.2% and the Liberals got a creditable improvement to 20.3%) so they should be expecting WELL into the 50s if not the 60% bracket!
Having TANKED in Scotland – SLUMPING to a poor FOURTH in Dunfermline and West Fife, and FLAT-LINING in Moray – the Conservatories must have been thanking their lucky stars that if they HAD to get a by-election it was such a safe win for them as a seat like this.
So what then can explain the ABJECT TERROR behind this attack on the Liberal Democrats by Mr Ed Vaizey in the Grauniad?
(What, you might ask incidentally, is a National Newspaper doing giving such a blatant party political as this to the Conservatories the day before their defence of a by-election? Well, ask yourself: what does the LABOUR supporting Grauniad have to gain by letting a CONSERVATORY lay into the LIBERAL DEMOCRATS? It's a MYSTERY!)
You should go and read his article in full, because Mr Eddy GUARANTEES that Liberal Democrats will misquote it somehow.
Since that is a GUARANTEE Mr Eddy will no doubt, after the result, provide some PROOF that he was misquoted. Or admit that this was a FIB.
One thing is clear from this, and it is that Mr Eddy-fying is in training for the 2012 Olympics, where he will be representing England in the Chutzpah!
For those people who haven't noticed, when Mr Eddy complains about not seeing Liberal policies – he comes from the Conservatory Party that doesn't HAVE any policies!
In case people have forgotten, when Mr Eddy complains about the Liberal tactics – he comes from the SAME Conservatory Party whose campaign in Cheadle was ENTIRELY about how Mark Hunter lived a BUS RIDE away! At least, it was when it wasn't being LIBELLOUS! One local Newspaper denounced the Conservatory campaign for MISREPRESENTATION. Remember Mr Eddy's GUARANTEE?
And if there are any people who cannot spot the difference, when Mr Eddy asserts that Ben Abbotts has "two jobs" too – "three jobs Bob" gets £49,265 for moonlighting as a GLA member for the next two years while Bromley Councillors like Ben get an allowance of £9,470.
(Which is hardly a living wage, although that actually looks pretty generous now I find out about it – aren't councillor's allowances normally about £3,000? Who's been running this council, then? [R: answer: Mr Balloon])
Mr Eddy asks:
"Why are they indulging in personal and highly misleading attacks on Bob Neill, who will be an excellent MP for the area?"
In that case, if it is so BAD, why is Mr Eddy trying to turn those same attacks against the Liberal Democrats? Isn't that just a bit HYPOCRITICAL?
Let's not mention that Mr Bob and Mr Balloon have gone down like a BUCKET of COLD SICK in Bromley.
After all, Mr Bob's track record speaks for itself, including:
* making a FALSE DECLARATION on his nomination form;
* upsetting the pensioners by refusing to sign their petition;
* arrogantly insisting he will keep his other highly-paid jobs;
* and even getting wrapped over the knuckles by FIFA for abusing the WORLD CUP!
Don't the local people of Bromley DESERVE to know all this about the man Mr Eddy thinks would be "excellent"?
And Mr Eddy decides to attack the Liberal Democrats for making a campaign of it!
Could it be that Conservatory Central Office have only just realised that Mr Balloon has made a TOTAL HORLICKS out of ANOTHER by-election?
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Day 2003: Lord Rat Speaker
Wednesday
My chums in the House of Lords club are choosing a new SPEAKER today, who is to be the person in charge of their DEBATES when they are trying to stop Lord Blairimort's latest mad scheme.
As a special treat he or she will also get to pitch Lord Charlie Chum off the WOOLSACK and sit there in his place because from now on Mr Frown wants no more confusion over who is CHANCELLOR.
There are ten people running for this job, even though the first thing that they will need to do is get DRESS ROBES costing £10,000!!!
They have all been given a chance to say something about themselves, what they would do in the job, how they would spend the prize money, that sort of thing!
Lord Boston says "Nothing is more satisfying than serving this House" which suggests that either he is buttering them up or he might need to get out more. He goes on to add: "If elected, I would wish to serve for one term only: this post is unique; it should be shared" which is much nicer.
Lord Elton has a good mini-manifesto, particularly the bit where he says he wants to "Explain [the House of Lords’] constitutional role and relevance to a large audience, particularly of the young, in the UK and encourage then to engage in the political process" though he loses points for adding: " With the House Committee, advance its general interests and security" Um, (a) playing the security card and (b) shouldn't you be advancing the interests of the COUNTRY not the House?
Baroness Fookes line is "The Lord Speaker must be the servant of the House and not its master". More buttering up, then. HOW would she be the servant? She doesn't say – but she DOES have experience as a Deputy Speaker in the OTHER PLACE.
Lord Grenfell (catchphrase: "Lord George… Don't do that!") says he is "a tax-paying, voter registered, five-day-a-week London resident." Which is nice, whatever it is supposed to mean. He says he'll stick to the limited powers and only act as the House instructs. Which kind of ought to be in the job description anyway!
Baroness Hayman hopes her record will show her to be"…an energetic, diplomatic and persuasive ambassador for the House, its value and its values." She's fond of integrity and self-regulation too.
Countess Mar talks of her 30 years of experience and enthusiasm. She says how good she is at sensing the mood of the House, which would be a useful talent in a Speaker, it is true.
I LIKE Lord Redesdale because he says "I pledge, as Speaker I would do as little as possible in the Chamber, apart from sitting on the Woolsack." This is what I do all day too! Daddy Alex says that Lord R is being a Liberal and warning that there is too much POTENTIAL power in this job and that he will stand against ABUSE.
Lord Richard says "As a former Leader and Leader of the Opposition…" and that's all you really need to know. He is reminding people not just that he is used to being in charge, but also that Lord Blairimort sacked him for being UPPITY. So he means "elect me and stick one on that upstart Blairimort!"
Finally, Lord Ullswater rightly sees that "[t]he main challenge for the Lord Speaker lies outside the Chamber" and pledges to devote himself to spreading wider appreciation and understanding.
You can read their full statements, and their register of interests here: clickity.
The key themes that emerge are the importance of INDEPENDENCE and SELF-REGULATION for the House of Lords, and the need to EDUCATE people about what they do and how they do it.
I am all for EDUCATION, education is GOOD because it empowers people to take charge of the democratic process.
INDEPENDENCE I agree with too, because it is VITAL to our well being that there are checks on the power of the Prime Minister and the House of Lords is one of the very few remaining!
But SELF-REGULATION is more troubling. I realise that in this context, "self-regulation" is CODE for "not regulated by any maniacal Prime Ministers you could think of (not mentioning any names but it’s Lord Blairimont)".
But The Houses of Parliament – both of them – should be answerable to the BRITISH PEOPLE and not just to themselves. Self-regulation is actually saying "good chaps trust other good chaps to be good chaps" and "we're all good chaps, so you can trust us".
Except, of course, we're no longer sure that we CAN.
A proper CONSTITUTIONAL SETTLEMENT would say just what powers (AND NOT MORE!) the Houses of Parliament could actually use. It is Parliament's contract with the people and the only real way of legitimising anything that they do there.
As important as she or he may be as a figure, the creation of the Lord Speaker is really just more TINKERING with the cobbled together collection of bits and pieces that we LAUGHINGLY refer to as the British Constitution.
Even though Lord Blairimort promised to sit down and work out a proper set of reforms for the House of Lords – including the way that people get into the club – he has AVOIDED doing so, and instead done everything in his (considerable and growing) power to UNDERMINE them as they are a THREAT to his authority.
So much of what people are worried and upset about stems from the fact that our government is not properly kept in check.
Thank goodness for Mr Balloon, eh! He has set up an official CONSTITUTION TASK FORCE to look into this sort of thing. He takes them VERY seriously, as you can tell be the way that, er, he has started making up new bits of constitution without bothering to tell them.
Now, what was it they said about ABSOLUTE POWER?
PS: for explanation of today's title, see: here.
My chums in the House of Lords club are choosing a new SPEAKER today, who is to be the person in charge of their DEBATES when they are trying to stop Lord Blairimort's latest mad scheme.
As a special treat he or she will also get to pitch Lord Charlie Chum off the WOOLSACK and sit there in his place because from now on Mr Frown wants no more confusion over who is CHANCELLOR.
There are ten people running for this job, even though the first thing that they will need to do is get DRESS ROBES costing £10,000!!!
They have all been given a chance to say something about themselves, what they would do in the job, how they would spend the prize money, that sort of thing!
Lord Boston says "Nothing is more satisfying than serving this House" which suggests that either he is buttering them up or he might need to get out more. He goes on to add: "If elected, I would wish to serve for one term only: this post is unique; it should be shared" which is much nicer.
Lord Elton has a good mini-manifesto, particularly the bit where he says he wants to "Explain [the House of Lords’] constitutional role and relevance to a large audience, particularly of the young, in the UK and encourage then to engage in the political process" though he loses points for adding: " With the House Committee, advance its general interests and security" Um, (a) playing the security card and (b) shouldn't you be advancing the interests of the COUNTRY not the House?
Baroness Fookes line is "The Lord Speaker must be the servant of the House and not its master". More buttering up, then. HOW would she be the servant? She doesn't say – but she DOES have experience as a Deputy Speaker in the OTHER PLACE.
Lord Grenfell (catchphrase: "Lord George… Don't do that!") says he is "a tax-paying, voter registered, five-day-a-week London resident." Which is nice, whatever it is supposed to mean. He says he'll stick to the limited powers and only act as the House instructs. Which kind of ought to be in the job description anyway!
Baroness Hayman hopes her record will show her to be"…an energetic, diplomatic and persuasive ambassador for the House, its value and its values." She's fond of integrity and self-regulation too.
Countess Mar talks of her 30 years of experience and enthusiasm. She says how good she is at sensing the mood of the House, which would be a useful talent in a Speaker, it is true.
I LIKE Lord Redesdale because he says "I pledge, as Speaker I would do as little as possible in the Chamber, apart from sitting on the Woolsack." This is what I do all day too! Daddy Alex says that Lord R is being a Liberal and warning that there is too much POTENTIAL power in this job and that he will stand against ABUSE.
Lord Richard says "As a former Leader and Leader of the Opposition…" and that's all you really need to know. He is reminding people not just that he is used to being in charge, but also that Lord Blairimort sacked him for being UPPITY. So he means "elect me and stick one on that upstart Blairimort!"
Finally, Lord Ullswater rightly sees that "[t]he main challenge for the Lord Speaker lies outside the Chamber" and pledges to devote himself to spreading wider appreciation and understanding.
You can read their full statements, and their register of interests here: clickity.
The key themes that emerge are the importance of INDEPENDENCE and SELF-REGULATION for the House of Lords, and the need to EDUCATE people about what they do and how they do it.
I am all for EDUCATION, education is GOOD because it empowers people to take charge of the democratic process.
INDEPENDENCE I agree with too, because it is VITAL to our well being that there are checks on the power of the Prime Minister and the House of Lords is one of the very few remaining!
But SELF-REGULATION is more troubling. I realise that in this context, "self-regulation" is CODE for "not regulated by any maniacal Prime Ministers you could think of (not mentioning any names but it’s Lord Blairimont)".
But The Houses of Parliament – both of them – should be answerable to the BRITISH PEOPLE and not just to themselves. Self-regulation is actually saying "good chaps trust other good chaps to be good chaps" and "we're all good chaps, so you can trust us".
Except, of course, we're no longer sure that we CAN.
A proper CONSTITUTIONAL SETTLEMENT would say just what powers (AND NOT MORE!) the Houses of Parliament could actually use. It is Parliament's contract with the people and the only real way of legitimising anything that they do there.
As important as she or he may be as a figure, the creation of the Lord Speaker is really just more TINKERING with the cobbled together collection of bits and pieces that we LAUGHINGLY refer to as the British Constitution.
Even though Lord Blairimort promised to sit down and work out a proper set of reforms for the House of Lords – including the way that people get into the club – he has AVOIDED doing so, and instead done everything in his (considerable and growing) power to UNDERMINE them as they are a THREAT to his authority.
So much of what people are worried and upset about stems from the fact that our government is not properly kept in check.
Thank goodness for Mr Balloon, eh! He has set up an official CONSTITUTION TASK FORCE to look into this sort of thing. He takes them VERY seriously, as you can tell be the way that, er, he has started making up new bits of constitution without bothering to tell them.
Now, what was it they said about ABSOLUTE POWER?
PS: for explanation of today's title, see: here.
Day 2002: Revenge of the Safety Elephant
Tuesday
It can hardly have escaped your attention that former Minister for Trying to Bang People up Without Trial, Charles Clarke, has given a series of interviews to Radio 4's "On the Ropes", BBC 2's "Newsnight" and Rodger Stavro Mordick's "the Times".
In these interviews, Mr Clarke says how unfair and MEAN it was of Lord Blairimort to sack him for being rubbish and that he deserved at least two more years to prove just how much MORE rubbish he could be!
And it certainly wasn't the case that he SOBBED LIKE A BABY when Lord Blairimort was prying his fingers off the doors of the Home Office. There may have been something in his eye, that is all. Probably a foot. Having missed his mouth.
Mr Clarke has also complained that his replacement Dr John "sweetness and light" Reid spends too much time being POPULIST and reacting to the TABLOIDS.
Dr Reid should be following Mr Clarke's method of saying one thing, then saying another and then blaming the Liberals and THEN reacting to the tabloids before doing whatever Lord Blairimort told him to do in the first place.
The Home Office is certainly NOT not fit for purpose, insists Mr Clarke. The mistake is to assume that the purpose of the Home Office is to run the police, the prisons and the immigration service! It certainly couldn't do any of that!
People – and by people I choose to include runner up to Mr Balloon in the least hated Conservatory of last year contest, Mr Davis David – have said that Mr Clarke's tantrum is as devastating to Lord Blairimort as the resignation of (then) Sir Gerffey* Howe was to the (then) Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.
[R: *among his other duties, Sir Gerffey was once President of the Cambridge University Conservatory Association and this is the name that they printed on all their material for freshers. I hope they are honoured that I will always remember him this way.]
Of course, Mr Davis David is WRONG about this.
Sir Gerffey's attack on Mrs T was so devastating because is was totally unexpected and – to everyone's enormous surprise – not actually RUBBISH. Two killer factors neither of which apply to Mr Clarke's tittle-tattle.
The other thing to remember was that Mrs Thatcher was VULNERABLE but only FELL because there was a PREDATOR waiting on the back benches for the opportunity to strike. Mr Michael Hessleswine had the gravitas and charisma necessary to be a CREDIBLE contender for Mrs Thatcher's job. Furthermore, for him NOT to have challenged her after Sir Gerffey's resignation speech would have fatally undermined him in any future attempt: in short he not only COULD but HAD to challenge her when he did.
Lord Blairimort faces no such person today.
Very sadly, the only person who COULD have fit the mould was former Foreign Secretary and former Leader of the House, Robin Cook, but he tragically died.
The Labour don't really have anyone else who isn't just… well… Mr Clarke.
And anyway, Lord Blairimort has one huge advantage: a human shield. Anyone wanting to challenge Lord Blairimort will have to stand in line or go through MR FROWN first.
Installed in the Chancellery sorry Treasury with almost as much power as he wants and unofficially crowned as heir-apparent, Mr Frown is as happy as a PIG in MUCK. His only real worry is whether he will be TAINTED by association when he finally ascends to the Prime Ministerial throne. For HIM to challenge Lord Blairimort would be the, er, NUCLEAR OPTION – an all or nothing gamble which he could, after all, lose.
If ten straight years of stability in the economy tell us anything, it's that Mr Frown and gambling are STRANGE bedfellows.
Almost all of the Labour MPs are desperately trying to convince themselves that Mr Frown is their great hope, the king over the water who will make it all good again after the years of corruption under Lord Blairimort and his lapdogs in the cabinet, er…
What this is is a very NU Labour story: add gossip to media and STIR.
Charles said this about Tony. ooOOOoo! Well Tony said this about Charles! ooOOOoo! Well, now Charles says this about John and Margaret tells all of them off and Peter says it was all Gordon's fault anyway and he's not playing any more. So there! ooOOOoo!
Don't you wish we had GROWN UPS in government?
It can hardly have escaped your attention that former Minister for Trying to Bang People up Without Trial, Charles Clarke, has given a series of interviews to Radio 4's "On the Ropes", BBC 2's "Newsnight" and Rodger Stavro Mordick's "the Times".
In these interviews, Mr Clarke says how unfair and MEAN it was of Lord Blairimort to sack him for being rubbish and that he deserved at least two more years to prove just how much MORE rubbish he could be!
And it certainly wasn't the case that he SOBBED LIKE A BABY when Lord Blairimort was prying his fingers off the doors of the Home Office. There may have been something in his eye, that is all. Probably a foot. Having missed his mouth.
Mr Clarke has also complained that his replacement Dr John "sweetness and light" Reid spends too much time being POPULIST and reacting to the TABLOIDS.
Dr Reid should be following Mr Clarke's method of saying one thing, then saying another and then blaming the Liberals and THEN reacting to the tabloids before doing whatever Lord Blairimort told him to do in the first place.
The Home Office is certainly NOT not fit for purpose, insists Mr Clarke. The mistake is to assume that the purpose of the Home Office is to run the police, the prisons and the immigration service! It certainly couldn't do any of that!
People – and by people I choose to include runner up to Mr Balloon in the least hated Conservatory of last year contest, Mr Davis David – have said that Mr Clarke's tantrum is as devastating to Lord Blairimort as the resignation of (then) Sir Gerffey* Howe was to the (then) Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.
[R: *among his other duties, Sir Gerffey was once President of the Cambridge University Conservatory Association and this is the name that they printed on all their material for freshers. I hope they are honoured that I will always remember him this way.]
Of course, Mr Davis David is WRONG about this.
Sir Gerffey's attack on Mrs T was so devastating because is was totally unexpected and – to everyone's enormous surprise – not actually RUBBISH. Two killer factors neither of which apply to Mr Clarke's tittle-tattle.
The other thing to remember was that Mrs Thatcher was VULNERABLE but only FELL because there was a PREDATOR waiting on the back benches for the opportunity to strike. Mr Michael Hessleswine had the gravitas and charisma necessary to be a CREDIBLE contender for Mrs Thatcher's job. Furthermore, for him NOT to have challenged her after Sir Gerffey's resignation speech would have fatally undermined him in any future attempt: in short he not only COULD but HAD to challenge her when he did.
Lord Blairimort faces no such person today.
Very sadly, the only person who COULD have fit the mould was former Foreign Secretary and former Leader of the House, Robin Cook, but he tragically died.
The Labour don't really have anyone else who isn't just… well… Mr Clarke.
And anyway, Lord Blairimort has one huge advantage: a human shield. Anyone wanting to challenge Lord Blairimort will have to stand in line or go through MR FROWN first.
Installed in the Chancellery sorry Treasury with almost as much power as he wants and unofficially crowned as heir-apparent, Mr Frown is as happy as a PIG in MUCK. His only real worry is whether he will be TAINTED by association when he finally ascends to the Prime Ministerial throne. For HIM to challenge Lord Blairimort would be the, er, NUCLEAR OPTION – an all or nothing gamble which he could, after all, lose.
If ten straight years of stability in the economy tell us anything, it's that Mr Frown and gambling are STRANGE bedfellows.
Almost all of the Labour MPs are desperately trying to convince themselves that Mr Frown is their great hope, the king over the water who will make it all good again after the years of corruption under Lord Blairimort and his lapdogs in the cabinet, er…
What this is is a very NU Labour story: add gossip to media and STIR.
Charles said this about Tony. ooOOOoo! Well Tony said this about Charles! ooOOOoo! Well, now Charles says this about John and Margaret tells all of them off and Peter says it was all Gordon's fault anyway and he's not playing any more. So there! ooOOOoo!
Don't you wish we had GROWN UPS in government?
Day 2001: Water Water Everywhere…
Monday
"…on that day all the springs of the great deep burst forth, and the floodgates of the heavens were opened…"
It is June in England so it is time for that traditional RAIN MAKING CEREMONY, the British Lawn Tennis Association Open played in WIMBLEDON.
We normally find Wimbledon VERY annoying because of the way that it interrupts all the normal television schedules. But this year, the schedules has already been smashed to flinders by the World Cup so frankly, who is going to notice!
What is it about the BBC Sport department that makes them think that they have sole rights over what anyone else can broadcast? Fair enough, when an important match or game or rounder is running over, you do not want to cut away then – but if you have ALREADY overrun your time, should it not be the boring post bout CHIT CHAT that is the first thing to get CUT? Apparently not.
So anyway, BBC Watersports turned on their cameras and OBVIOUSLY the heavens opened. (That means that it started raining, not that it was early doors at a nightclub!)
Meanwhile, under the Earth there are rumblings from the springs of the deep as London's water table is quickly rising.
Hundreds of years ago, London was almost floating like Venice! The water from the North Downs and the Chiltern Hills gets trapped and held in a layer of CHALK between the STRATA of London Clay and Gault Clay under the city and it fills up like a BOWL OF WATER. The capital was SO full of water that the fountains in Trafalgar Square used to be fed by GROUND LEVEL springs!
Over the years of the VICTORIAN age, though, factories in London were allowed to sink BORE HOLES into the ground and SLURP up the water they needed for their business. And this made the water table go down and down until it had retreated to a depth of 80 to 100 metres below the surface.
Since the 1960's though, factories have been moving OUT of the city and with less water being taken from the bore holes, the water table is quickly FILLING UP again. In some places it is now back to between 40 and as little as 10 metres under the surface.
For the London UNDERGROUND, this is a BIT of problem. A lot of their DEEP tunnels were dug in the early 20th Century, in the period when the water table had gone down very low and was still falling. But now it is filling up again… They have to pump 30 MILLION litres of water out of their system EVERY DAY, because their tubes are not equipped to turn into SUBMARINES!
(If it wasn't all horrid from being contaminated by the stuff in the ground that would be enough for over 200,000 people's average daily use!)
And it's not just the tube: tall buildings have deep foundations and it the water keeps rising, they might start to, er, WOBBLE.
So with London awash with water above and below, there is NO CHANCE of a drought this year… oh very fluffy dear.
Still, at least the water companies continue to roll in the profits.
They must be laughing like drains! (Ho very ho.)
At this point, Daddy Richard feels compelled to put his ACCOUNTANT hat on as point out that rebuilding their pipes is probably counted as CAPITAL expenditure and so not included in the costs in the PROFIT statements.
Maybe so, but the companies still have to hand out great wodges of cash to their SHAREHOLDERS, or else their share price will collapse and they will be bought up for peanuts by dodgy companies. Or the French.
The PROFIT figure on its own is a VERY BAD way to judge the performance of a company. You need to look at the CASH that the business is generating and how much of that cash is being REINVESTED as opposed to given out as dividends
This is the FLAW in the privatisation model. The need for SHORT TERM cash. The plus side of this is that it drives companies to be efficient and innovative; the minus side is that it makes long term investment a BAD IDEA. The quick fix solution will always be the preferred answer.
(It's not like this is original – the Victorians themselves had a habit of just sticking a roof over a problem and hoping that meant it had gone away – where do you think THE EMBANKMENT came from?)
Most of the rest of the country has plenty of water. It is only in the south-east where there are too many people and far too many houses being built that there is a problem. Everyone else will probably have a GOOD LAUGH when something fairly BIBLICAL happens to London and we all disappear into a SWAMP or something.
Maybe now would be a good time for me to learn to SWIM!
"…on that day all the springs of the great deep burst forth, and the floodgates of the heavens were opened…"
It is June in England so it is time for that traditional RAIN MAKING CEREMONY, the British Lawn Tennis Association Open played in WIMBLEDON.
We normally find Wimbledon VERY annoying because of the way that it interrupts all the normal television schedules. But this year, the schedules has already been smashed to flinders by the World Cup so frankly, who is going to notice!
What is it about the BBC Sport department that makes them think that they have sole rights over what anyone else can broadcast? Fair enough, when an important match or game or rounder is running over, you do not want to cut away then – but if you have ALREADY overrun your time, should it not be the boring post bout CHIT CHAT that is the first thing to get CUT? Apparently not.
So anyway, BBC Watersports turned on their cameras and OBVIOUSLY the heavens opened. (That means that it started raining, not that it was early doors at a nightclub!)
Meanwhile, under the Earth there are rumblings from the springs of the deep as London's water table is quickly rising.
Hundreds of years ago, London was almost floating like Venice! The water from the North Downs and the Chiltern Hills gets trapped and held in a layer of CHALK between the STRATA of London Clay and Gault Clay under the city and it fills up like a BOWL OF WATER. The capital was SO full of water that the fountains in Trafalgar Square used to be fed by GROUND LEVEL springs!
Over the years of the VICTORIAN age, though, factories in London were allowed to sink BORE HOLES into the ground and SLURP up the water they needed for their business. And this made the water table go down and down until it had retreated to a depth of 80 to 100 metres below the surface.
Since the 1960's though, factories have been moving OUT of the city and with less water being taken from the bore holes, the water table is quickly FILLING UP again. In some places it is now back to between 40 and as little as 10 metres under the surface.
For the London UNDERGROUND, this is a BIT of problem. A lot of their DEEP tunnels were dug in the early 20th Century, in the period when the water table had gone down very low and was still falling. But now it is filling up again… They have to pump 30 MILLION litres of water out of their system EVERY DAY, because their tubes are not equipped to turn into SUBMARINES!
(If it wasn't all horrid from being contaminated by the stuff in the ground that would be enough for over 200,000 people's average daily use!)
And it's not just the tube: tall buildings have deep foundations and it the water keeps rising, they might start to, er, WOBBLE.
So with London awash with water above and below, there is NO CHANCE of a drought this year… oh very fluffy dear.
Still, at least the water companies continue to roll in the profits.
They must be laughing like drains! (Ho very ho.)
At this point, Daddy Richard feels compelled to put his ACCOUNTANT hat on as point out that rebuilding their pipes is probably counted as CAPITAL expenditure and so not included in the costs in the PROFIT statements.
Maybe so, but the companies still have to hand out great wodges of cash to their SHAREHOLDERS, or else their share price will collapse and they will be bought up for peanuts by dodgy companies. Or the French.
The PROFIT figure on its own is a VERY BAD way to judge the performance of a company. You need to look at the CASH that the business is generating and how much of that cash is being REINVESTED as opposed to given out as dividends
This is the FLAW in the privatisation model. The need for SHORT TERM cash. The plus side of this is that it drives companies to be efficient and innovative; the minus side is that it makes long term investment a BAD IDEA. The quick fix solution will always be the preferred answer.
(It's not like this is original – the Victorians themselves had a habit of just sticking a roof over a problem and hoping that meant it had gone away – where do you think THE EMBANKMENT came from?)
Most of the rest of the country has plenty of water. It is only in the south-east where there are too many people and far too many houses being built that there is a problem. Everyone else will probably have a GOOD LAUGH when something fairly BIBLICAL happens to London and we all disappear into a SWAMP or something.
Maybe now would be a good time for me to learn to SWIM!
Monday, June 26, 2006
Day MM: Happy Birthday Mr Simon
Sunday
This is me with my friend MINIMUM ELEPHANT
This is MINIMUM ELEPHANT with my two Daddies
And this is MINIMUM ELEPHANT with his NEW friend Mr SIMON
Mr Simon is a PROPER WRITER (not like me: I can only do one letter at a time with my trunk, but I bet he can type stuff properly!) He has written books and everything. And not rubbish, either – good ones about Dr Who.
When he is not writing books or plays or the Magna Carta he writes this diary which I like to read.
Sometimes, Mr Simon reads my diary too. (blush)
Happy Birthday, Mr Simon!
Please look after Minimum Elephant and protect him from the CAT!
This is me with my friend MINIMUM ELEPHANT
This is MINIMUM ELEPHANT with my two Daddies
And this is MINIMUM ELEPHANT with his NEW friend Mr SIMON
Mr Simon is a PROPER WRITER (not like me: I can only do one letter at a time with my trunk, but I bet he can type stuff properly!) He has written books and everything. And not rubbish, either – good ones about Dr Who.
When he is not writing books or plays or the Magna Carta he writes this diary which I like to read.
Sometimes, Mr Simon reads my diary too. (blush)
Happy Birthday, Mr Simon!
Please look after Minimum Elephant and protect him from the CAT!
Day 1999: DOCTOR WHO: Fear Her
Saturday
Daddy Richard has been very busy at work this week doing tax forms which are so unbelievably interesting that I will not shock you with the details. Fortunately I have now knocked him back into the right shape and so he can tell you about Doctor Who this week again:
Daddy Richard has been very busy at work this week doing tax forms which are so unbelievably interesting that I will not shock you with the details. Fortunately I have now knocked him back into the right shape and so he can tell you about Doctor Who this week again:
Alex immediately seized upon the fact that this is "The Idiot's Lantern" but done in the modern Doctor Who way: they almost form a Trad/Rad pair, both concerning the theft of identities through an unusual medium during a huge patriotic celebration. But while the earlier story played very much on the strengths of old Doctor Who – period setting, chases and building gadgets – this week stirred up a much more Sapphire and Steel eerie atmosphere and laced it with New Who emotional connection. Where the Wire was driven by megalomaniacal greed, the isolus (aesolus? eyesolus?) was motivated by loneliness and a child's temper.
"Fear Her" is as much about 'her fear' as ours. Chloe has lost her father, lost him to a violent and drunken man long before he got himself killed in a car crash. But she's lost her mother too, lost her to silence. And into that empty place comes another 'lost soul', the fallen isolus who grants Chloe the powers to snatch new friends, but also to unleash the nightmare that still haunts her.
The father in the wardrobe may be Doctor Who's first genuine wardrobe monster. Added to the Clockwork Robot under the bed in "The Girl in the Fireplace" and it seems that Russell T and team are on a mission to reawaken all the childhood terrors.
Rose and the Doctor worked well as a pair again this week, a likeable double act each contributing skills to their investigation: the Doctor knowledge and Rose insight. It was nice to see them comfortable with each other but not so excluding of other people, as they have been on occasion this season. The Doctor's sudden shift of mood as, like the weather, he turns to stormy comes as more of a surprise this week than it might have done in others. Though possibly some more foreshadowing would have helped as it was just a little bit: "By the way, Rose, the season finale two-parter starts next week!"
Adding to the "let's drive the fanboys nuts" column: "I was a dad once". A perfectly natural remark that gets a great reaction from Rose and if anything adds to the character mystery.
There's more than one way of being a Dad, of course, as readers of Lance Parkin's "Father Time" are quick to remember. And this neither confirms nor denies anything biological. It doesn't have to refer to Susan's parentage – though that's the obvious inference, it's not necessarily the right one – and hasn't the Doctor stood in loco parentis for an awful lot of his companions?
And, of course, the dad theme resonates back to Chloe's nightmare. Here the Doctor is presented as "the good father". He even gets to be in the "my daddy at work" picture. Unfortunately for him.
The Olympic Games element was less successful.
It's easy to see how they wanted to split up the "present day" stories of "Love & Monsters" and (by the look of the trailer) "Army of Ghosts", and also how the Olympics would present themselves as another in the series series of Great British landmarks. But the story was very focused and contained in the close (which didn't need to be Dame Kelly Holmes Close) as a particularly suburban nightmare of missing children and the "big events" rather took us away from that.
The small crowd of extras gathered at the end of the close and the newsreader on News 24 never managed to convince us that we were part of the huge Olympic crowd, indeed only served to emphasise that we were not really there. It made the Olympics feel tacked on, rather than integral to the plot, which is unusual for the normally deft hand of this series.
And it has to be said, all the saccharine of "this is a torch of hope, a torch of love…" had us reaching for the insulin before the diabetic shock could kick in. Does anyone remember the ending of "Ghostbusters 2"? Well, it wasn't actually as bad as that, but the moment when the Doctor runs up the red staircase to light the Olympic flame was definitely looking longingly in that direction.
That big threat to the Olympic Games detracted from the smaller, but more intimate and so more important threat of big bad dad "coming to hurt you, Chloe".
Coincidentally, we had the chance to chat with some of what you might call the Doctor Who glitterati (Big Finish, not BBC Wales) after tonight's episode and found some of them a little downbeat about it (while generally more favourable about "Love & Monsters" and enthusiastic about the two part "The Satan Pit"). Saccharine, as above, was the main cause for complaint, added to the odd caustic remark about both acting and music being turned up too loud occasionally. (Much praise for the music in "The Satan Pit" – especially the silent bits!)
The 2005 series set a very high standard for what we expect from Doctor Who now, but it also did it on an increasing curve – front loading the dodgier episodes like "Aliens of London" and keeping the home run on a constant high. (Yes, even "Boom Town".)
This year with episodes as awesome as "Tooth and Claw" and "The Girl in the Fireplace" at the beginning of the season it's just that much harder to keep the quality going upwards. Having said that, we should also bear in mind that once we've seen the season finale we may find ourselves, like last year, reassessing with hindsight all that has come before.
Which reminds me: great trailer!
Next week: When Worlds Collide…
Day 1998: "Three Jobs Bob"
Friday
As you know, there are two by-elections going on at the moment, and one of them is in BROMLEY in South East London, so we can occasionally here the sound of metaphorical gunfire from my flat by the river.
I have already told you about the Conservatory Candidate Mr Bob Neill
[Gabriel Woolf: Neill before Sutekh!]
And how THAT happens every time I mention his name!
But now it turns out that Mr Bob may have FORGOTTEN that in fact he is being paid £5,000 a year to do YET ANOTHER job – and this one is what is called POLITICALLY RESTRICTED, which means that he cannot stand for Parliament while doing it at the same time.
Credit where it is due: I may be a fluffy elephant, but it took a monkey to spot this dropped coconut!
Even the in-flight magazine of the Conservatory Party has now noticed!
Most people, of course, RESIGN from this sort of job before standing for election, because they have to sign a form, called an ASSENT TO NOMINATION, that says that they are NOT doing any jobs that ruled out under the House of Commons Disqualification Act of 1975.
I SUPPOSE Mr Bob might just have forgotten – although that might be a bit worrying to the people of Bromley, in case he just FORGETS that he has to be their MP one day!
As it turns out Mr Bob's job (number four) is going to cease to exist on Friday anyway, so even if he IS elected he will ONLY be breaking the law for about 24 hours.
Of course, the Conservatories REALLY ought to be against that sort of thing, even for only 24 hours, as they don't usually want to let anyone else get away with breaking the law, after all they made an AWFUL fuss when Mr Mandelson made a false declaration on one of his forms, even though no one got hurt or lost any money then either. Except Mr Mandelson, of course.
But they seem to make special exception for someone if he is one of their own… as Mr Balloon himself has special reason to remember.
Even so, you would think that if they were truly HONOURABLE people, then they would at least issue an APOLOGY
How about that, Mr Neill?
[Gabriel Woolf: Neill… no chance!]
As you know, there are two by-elections going on at the moment, and one of them is in BROMLEY in South East London, so we can occasionally here the sound of metaphorical gunfire from my flat by the river.
I have already told you about the Conservatory Candidate Mr Bob Neill
[Gabriel Woolf: Neill before Sutekh!]
And how THAT happens every time I mention his name!
But now it turns out that Mr Bob may have FORGOTTEN that in fact he is being paid £5,000 a year to do YET ANOTHER job – and this one is what is called POLITICALLY RESTRICTED, which means that he cannot stand for Parliament while doing it at the same time.
Credit where it is due: I may be a fluffy elephant, but it took a monkey to spot this dropped coconut!
Even the in-flight magazine of the Conservatory Party has now noticed!
Most people, of course, RESIGN from this sort of job before standing for election, because they have to sign a form, called an ASSENT TO NOMINATION, that says that they are NOT doing any jobs that ruled out under the House of Commons Disqualification Act of 1975.
I SUPPOSE Mr Bob might just have forgotten – although that might be a bit worrying to the people of Bromley, in case he just FORGETS that he has to be their MP one day!
As it turns out Mr Bob's job (number four) is going to cease to exist on Friday anyway, so even if he IS elected he will ONLY be breaking the law for about 24 hours.
Of course, the Conservatories REALLY ought to be against that sort of thing, even for only 24 hours, as they don't usually want to let anyone else get away with breaking the law, after all they made an AWFUL fuss when Mr Mandelson made a false declaration on one of his forms, even though no one got hurt or lost any money then either. Except Mr Mandelson, of course.
But they seem to make special exception for someone if he is one of their own… as Mr Balloon himself has special reason to remember.
Even so, you would think that if they were truly HONOURABLE people, then they would at least issue an APOLOGY
How about that, Mr Neill?
[Gabriel Woolf: Neill… no chance!]
Day 1997: Battleham Galacticake
Thursday
If there is one BIG rival to DOCTOR WHO in the 21st Century, it is no longer the tired, axed relic of STAR TREK, but it is the re-invented BATTLESTAR GALACTICA.
Many people speak of this series in awe and wonder saying how it has re-invented SCIENCE FICTION for a new generation.
So, obviously, my Daddies haven't watched any of it!
Well, no, that's not quite right – Daddy Richard did buy the DVD of the mini-series / pilot story.
It is one of those VERY ANNOYING DVD releases that sticks together several episodes and edits out the TITLES that come in between meaning that you have to watch it as one five hour programme. Or rather, you have to GUESS where the episodes MIGHT have ended and then stop before your eyes start to glaze over. So that counted against it from the start.
Also, guess what: the villainous Baltar has a BRITISH accent. Coo, that IS original. We never get tired of THAT old "British = Bad Guy" cliché.
But the real surprise was how DRAB and ORDINARY we found it to be. Lots of dull grey CGI spaceships flying in space with eye-straining faux-camera shake. Lot's of grey military corridors filled with grey uniforms on grey military American-Air-force-IN-SPACE! types. Lot's of "gee, haven't we seen this all before?"
What is it with American sci-fi series: Star Trek, Stargate, Babylon 5 and now this: there is never any sense that when we get into space we will have any culture other than the US military. At least Babylon 5 was COLOURFUL!
The original Battlestar Galactica series in the 1970s WAS pretty dreadful, with an almost never moving plot and more ham and cheese than is served at ABIGAIL'S PARTY! But it did have three things going for it: John Colicos as a PROPER villainous Count Baltar; the voice of Patrick Macnee as the Cylon Imperious Leader; and some terrific chunky chrome design for the Cylon Centurions.
For the remake, even very few the real metal Cylons that we DO see have gone all gun-metal dull, but worse, the rest of them have gone all HUMAN. Oh how amazingly innovative that really isn’t.
The subtle as a plank backstory then has the Cylons discovering "god" and returning to take horrible vengeance on the nice gods-fearing ordinary type people with an appalling terrorist atrocity perpetrated by infiltrators and you cannot tell who they are! Oh, and the English liberal atheist is a traitor to humanity.
Most people should be able to work this out faster than you can say "right-wing propaganda".
So, for all the above reasons we hadn't bothered to rush out and buy the DVD of the television series first season and (not having the desire to contribute any to Mr Murdoch) without Sky One it is only now that the series has reached Freeview based Sky Three that we are seeing it for the first time.
Is it any better than the pilot?
Well… no, but we'll probably keep watching to see if it picks up.
What IS worth seeing?
Well, in spite of accent related misgivings, the paranoid performance of Gaius Baltar is certainly worth tuning in for. The one interesting conceit here is that he may or may not have a Cylon implant in his head that is causing him to hallucinate a beautiful woman who he thinks/knows to be a human-form Cylon. There is an edgy uncertainty as to whether she is "real" in the sense that the Cylon's actually put an implant there, or whether she is a product of Baltar's own guilty twisted psyche. She certainly seem interested in helping him personally (NO, NOT RUDE!), even if this seems to conflict with the Cylon agenda sometimes.
Then there is a mildly diverting game of duality whereby the character of Boomer (actually a human-form Cylon) gets to appear both on the Battlestar AND back home on "occupied Caprica". This neatly plays with the old thing of the gap between the audience learning something and the characters leaning it. Here the gap is measured in light-years and there appears to be no easy way that Boomer 1 and Boomer 2 are going to be brought together.
And for reasons that pass beyond human understanding, Sarah Jane Smith has become president of the surviving humans.
PS: would someone please tell Edward James Olmos to STOP WHISPERING all the darned time!
If there is one BIG rival to DOCTOR WHO in the 21st Century, it is no longer the tired, axed relic of STAR TREK, but it is the re-invented BATTLESTAR GALACTICA.
Many people speak of this series in awe and wonder saying how it has re-invented SCIENCE FICTION for a new generation.
So, obviously, my Daddies haven't watched any of it!
Well, no, that's not quite right – Daddy Richard did buy the DVD of the mini-series / pilot story.
It is one of those VERY ANNOYING DVD releases that sticks together several episodes and edits out the TITLES that come in between meaning that you have to watch it as one five hour programme. Or rather, you have to GUESS where the episodes MIGHT have ended and then stop before your eyes start to glaze over. So that counted against it from the start.
Also, guess what: the villainous Baltar has a BRITISH accent. Coo, that IS original. We never get tired of THAT old "British = Bad Guy" cliché.
But the real surprise was how DRAB and ORDINARY we found it to be. Lots of dull grey CGI spaceships flying in space with eye-straining faux-camera shake. Lot's of grey military corridors filled with grey uniforms on grey military American-Air-force-IN-SPACE! types. Lot's of "gee, haven't we seen this all before?"
What is it with American sci-fi series: Star Trek, Stargate, Babylon 5 and now this: there is never any sense that when we get into space we will have any culture other than the US military. At least Babylon 5 was COLOURFUL!
The original Battlestar Galactica series in the 1970s WAS pretty dreadful, with an almost never moving plot and more ham and cheese than is served at ABIGAIL'S PARTY! But it did have three things going for it: John Colicos as a PROPER villainous Count Baltar; the voice of Patrick Macnee as the Cylon Imperious Leader; and some terrific chunky chrome design for the Cylon Centurions.
For the remake, even very few the real metal Cylons that we DO see have gone all gun-metal dull, but worse, the rest of them have gone all HUMAN. Oh how amazingly innovative that really isn’t.
The subtle as a plank backstory then has the Cylons discovering "god" and returning to take horrible vengeance on the nice gods-fearing ordinary type people with an appalling terrorist atrocity perpetrated by infiltrators and you cannot tell who they are! Oh, and the English liberal atheist is a traitor to humanity.
Most people should be able to work this out faster than you can say "right-wing propaganda".
So, for all the above reasons we hadn't bothered to rush out and buy the DVD of the television series first season and (not having the desire to contribute any to Mr Murdoch) without Sky One it is only now that the series has reached Freeview based Sky Three that we are seeing it for the first time.
Is it any better than the pilot?
Well… no, but we'll probably keep watching to see if it picks up.
What IS worth seeing?
Well, in spite of accent related misgivings, the paranoid performance of Gaius Baltar is certainly worth tuning in for. The one interesting conceit here is that he may or may not have a Cylon implant in his head that is causing him to hallucinate a beautiful woman who he thinks/knows to be a human-form Cylon. There is an edgy uncertainty as to whether she is "real" in the sense that the Cylon's actually put an implant there, or whether she is a product of Baltar's own guilty twisted psyche. She certainly seem interested in helping him personally (NO, NOT RUDE!), even if this seems to conflict with the Cylon agenda sometimes.
Then there is a mildly diverting game of duality whereby the character of Boomer (actually a human-form Cylon) gets to appear both on the Battlestar AND back home on "occupied Caprica". This neatly plays with the old thing of the gap between the audience learning something and the characters leaning it. Here the gap is measured in light-years and there appears to be no easy way that Boomer 1 and Boomer 2 are going to be brought together.
And for reasons that pass beyond human understanding, Sarah Jane Smith has become president of the surviving humans.
PS: would someone please tell Edward James Olmos to STOP WHISPERING all the darned time!
Day 1996: Hate the Crime
Wednesday
We wake to the sound of an EXPLOSION from the bathroom and this tells us that Daddy Richard is in the shower, listening to ANNE ATKINS!
This is just my thought, but what GOOD is Mrs Anne actually trying to do here?
She says that she is condemning murder but then SLYLY tries to suggest that there is something wrong with these killers getting EXTRA HARSH punishment because they the set out to TERRORISE the GAY community rather than the BLONDE community.
(Let's ignore the obvious question: does she know ANYONE who has set out to kill someone just for being from the "BLONDE community"?)
She is trying to suggest that GAY PEOPLE are getting some kind of SPECIAL TREATMENT.
She is trying to TWIST things around so that it seems like it is the gay people who are in the WRONG because ooh, look, they get something that us normal, good, clean, HOLY people don’t get.
(Because yes, gay people ARE getting special treatment – it's the SPECIAL TREATMENT of being SPECIALLY TARGETED for being BEATEN TO DEATH, but it seems Mrs Ann is OKAY with that sort of treatment not being specially bad.)
So who benefits from Mrs Anne's words?
Do gay people feel better for being told that this wasn't fair justice? No.
Does the family of Jody Dobrowski feel better for being told his life should have been worth less? No.
Do the killers feel that someone is saying that they shouldn't have been sent to the slammer for so long? Ahhhh….
Mrs Atkins is choosing to be part of the "support network" for people like these criminals. She supports these killers by feeding into the sour soup of soundbites about gay people not DESERVING rights – only the rights that would be the same as ANY people get, like the right not to be sacked for being yourself, or the right to see your other half in hospital, but somehow for gay people to want this makes those SPECIAL rights.
With a large group of people like Mrs Anne banging on all the time about it being okay to belittle gay people, then you are more likely to get a tiny group of people thinking it is okay to KILL gay people.
In the big book of Christianity, there is a story about the PHARISEES.
It does not do any good to go around saying "ooh, look at me, I'm so holy, do what I say!" That is not religion, that is SHOWING OFF, and any silly person can do that!
What Mrs Anne says is "if he was heterosexual his life would have been worth half as much"
What my Daddy Richard says is "if he was heterosexual, he wouldn't be DEAD, woman, he wouldn't be DEAD."
We wake to the sound of an EXPLOSION from the bathroom and this tells us that Daddy Richard is in the shower, listening to ANNE ATKINS!
This is just my thought, but what GOOD is Mrs Anne actually trying to do here?
She says that she is condemning murder but then SLYLY tries to suggest that there is something wrong with these killers getting EXTRA HARSH punishment because they the set out to TERRORISE the GAY community rather than the BLONDE community.
(Let's ignore the obvious question: does she know ANYONE who has set out to kill someone just for being from the "BLONDE community"?)
She is trying to suggest that GAY PEOPLE are getting some kind of SPECIAL TREATMENT.
She is trying to TWIST things around so that it seems like it is the gay people who are in the WRONG because ooh, look, they get something that us normal, good, clean, HOLY people don’t get.
(Because yes, gay people ARE getting special treatment – it's the SPECIAL TREATMENT of being SPECIALLY TARGETED for being BEATEN TO DEATH, but it seems Mrs Ann is OKAY with that sort of treatment not being specially bad.)
So who benefits from Mrs Anne's words?
Do gay people feel better for being told that this wasn't fair justice? No.
Does the family of Jody Dobrowski feel better for being told his life should have been worth less? No.
Do the killers feel that someone is saying that they shouldn't have been sent to the slammer for so long? Ahhhh….
Mrs Atkins is choosing to be part of the "support network" for people like these criminals. She supports these killers by feeding into the sour soup of soundbites about gay people not DESERVING rights – only the rights that would be the same as ANY people get, like the right not to be sacked for being yourself, or the right to see your other half in hospital, but somehow for gay people to want this makes those SPECIAL rights.
With a large group of people like Mrs Anne banging on all the time about it being okay to belittle gay people, then you are more likely to get a tiny group of people thinking it is okay to KILL gay people.
In the big book of Christianity, there is a story about the PHARISEES.
It does not do any good to go around saying "ooh, look at me, I'm so holy, do what I say!" That is not religion, that is SHOWING OFF, and any silly person can do that!
What Mrs Anne says is "if he was heterosexual his life would have been worth half as much"
What my Daddy Richard says is "if he was heterosexual, he wouldn't be DEAD, woman, he wouldn't be DEAD."
Day 1995: Those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines
Tuesday
It has been announced that Lord Blairimort is to get two aeroplanes to fly him to places. This is so that they cannot stop him with roadblocks any longer.
It is nice to know that Lord Blairimort thinks it more important to spend some extra money on a few luxury perks for himself and whoever comes after him as Prime Minister rather than on something trivial like a few more policemen or quarter of a hospital.
But really, this is just one more step along the path away from our politicians being ORDINARY PEOPLE and into the realm of silliness inhabited by the leaders in America (yes, I KNOW what I said yesterday!).
It's not a proper democracy if only billionaires can get elected!
Most politicians in this country are not billionaires, or even multi-millionaires and work at their day job like everyone else. Yes, they get paid quite a bit (£59,095 as of 1st April 2005) which is rather more than most people, (average earnings £22,412 as of 2005) but, no matter what people think, it is not like most MPs could just quit working tomorrow.
This is a good thing too, because so long as MPs have to travel on trains or get stuck in traffic jams or have to take out a mortgage, then they will have a connection to what ordinary everyday folks have to put up with most of their lives and might actually DO something about the railways, the roads or the banks.
Lord Blairimort, however, is away in fantasyland.
Swanning about on private jets like he is in DYNASTY or something, surrounded by people who are only there to serve his every whim, it's hardly any wonder that he has lost touch with the real world entirely.
So the solution is simple.
Instead of an aeroplane, we should buy Lord Blairimort a rocket ship and blast him into space!
Then he can REALLY live in another world and stop bothering the rest of us!
It has been announced that Lord Blairimort is to get two aeroplanes to fly him to places. This is so that they cannot stop him with roadblocks any longer.
It is nice to know that Lord Blairimort thinks it more important to spend some extra money on a few luxury perks for himself and whoever comes after him as Prime Minister rather than on something trivial like a few more policemen or quarter of a hospital.
But really, this is just one more step along the path away from our politicians being ORDINARY PEOPLE and into the realm of silliness inhabited by the leaders in America (yes, I KNOW what I said yesterday!).
It's not a proper democracy if only billionaires can get elected!
Most politicians in this country are not billionaires, or even multi-millionaires and work at their day job like everyone else. Yes, they get paid quite a bit (£59,095 as of 1st April 2005) which is rather more than most people, (average earnings £22,412 as of 2005) but, no matter what people think, it is not like most MPs could just quit working tomorrow.
This is a good thing too, because so long as MPs have to travel on trains or get stuck in traffic jams or have to take out a mortgage, then they will have a connection to what ordinary everyday folks have to put up with most of their lives and might actually DO something about the railways, the roads or the banks.
Lord Blairimort, however, is away in fantasyland.
Swanning about on private jets like he is in DYNASTY or something, surrounded by people who are only there to serve his every whim, it's hardly any wonder that he has lost touch with the real world entirely.
So the solution is simple.
Instead of an aeroplane, we should buy Lord Blairimort a rocket ship and blast him into space!
Then he can REALLY live in another world and stop bothering the rest of us!
Day 1994: You've got to hand it to those Americans
Monday
My Daddies have been watching "The West Wing" on DVD. They have just got to the end of the third season and are going to start on the fourth after that.
I do not think that the third season was anywhere as good as the first two – which Daddies galloped through at two or even three episodes a night – probably because much less seems to happen. The main bits of story about assassinating the Middle East terrorist and CJ being stalked and the campaign against Governor Ritchie (aka Monkey) do not even start until the last few episodes! These episodes are very cracking, but it does seem to have been a long time coming.
Anyway, the thing that this made me think was about the very positive way that Americans see themselves. They may make some VERY silly decisions sometimes, but whatever it is, at least they will stand up and CHEER and really go for it ALL TOGETHER!
"Let's go to the moon!"
Wooosh, off they go!
"Let's flatten Iraq!"
Kaboom, see them do it. Hooray!
Watching "The West Wing" and seeing Mr Martin playing President Bartlett stand up and say something wise and inspired and true or even watching that daft Monkey who is REALLY the President say something, at least they can SAY things like that and get all the people behind them.
It is both CREDIBLE and INCREDIBLE the way that the President of America can stand up and say "Let's go to the moon!"
It is TRAGIC that the most exciting thing that the President of Europe could say would be "Please don't vote against the Constitution again, thank you!"
It's just not good enough to moan and say "but we're not 'Europeans' we're all different peoples". That's defeatist and backwards and it's what makes us all fall apart instead of all pull together. It is WHY we hand everything to the Americans.
We need to stop being so PAROCHIAL: self-interested and self-centred. We need to find the oomph to go out there and STRIVE for something. We need to find the self confidence so that we COULD say: "Let's go to them moon"
No, why stop at the moon – let's go to the STARS.
My Daddies have been watching "The West Wing" on DVD. They have just got to the end of the third season and are going to start on the fourth after that.
I do not think that the third season was anywhere as good as the first two – which Daddies galloped through at two or even three episodes a night – probably because much less seems to happen. The main bits of story about assassinating the Middle East terrorist and CJ being stalked and the campaign against Governor Ritchie (aka Monkey) do not even start until the last few episodes! These episodes are very cracking, but it does seem to have been a long time coming.
Anyway, the thing that this made me think was about the very positive way that Americans see themselves. They may make some VERY silly decisions sometimes, but whatever it is, at least they will stand up and CHEER and really go for it ALL TOGETHER!
"Let's go to the moon!"
Wooosh, off they go!
"Let's flatten Iraq!"
Kaboom, see them do it. Hooray!
Watching "The West Wing" and seeing Mr Martin playing President Bartlett stand up and say something wise and inspired and true or even watching that daft Monkey who is REALLY the President say something, at least they can SAY things like that and get all the people behind them.
It is both CREDIBLE and INCREDIBLE the way that the President of America can stand up and say "Let's go to the moon!"
It is TRAGIC that the most exciting thing that the President of Europe could say would be "Please don't vote against the Constitution again, thank you!"
It's just not good enough to moan and say "but we're not 'Europeans' we're all different peoples". That's defeatist and backwards and it's what makes us all fall apart instead of all pull together. It is WHY we hand everything to the Americans.
We need to stop being so PAROCHIAL: self-interested and self-centred. We need to find the oomph to go out there and STRIVE for something. We need to find the self confidence so that we COULD say: "Let's go to them moon"
No, why stop at the moon – let's go to the STARS.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Day 1993: Pass the Sick Bucket
Sunday
It is Father's Day today. Happy Father's Day to all Daddies, including MY two Daddies.
In the news, there is competition this week for "who can be the most heart warming" between our two friends Mr Balloon and Mr Frown
First up, Mr Balloon tells us that:
"…whatever I do or don't achieve in politics, nothing matters as much as my family."
Mr Balloon is starting to spend quite a lot of time harping on, telling Daddies what they should do maybe he should spend more time with his OWN family.
Obviously, it's a lot easier to spend QUALITY TIME with the kids when you don't have to worry about the mortgage on your million pound home, or indeed the vacuuming of your million-pound home. Or your OTHER million-pound home, even. It must be very nice doing the PR for a company like DOOMED ITV Digital, but does it really pay the rent? I suppose at least it must help pay the SERVANTS.
Possibly, Mr Balloon is so naïve that he does not realise that most people have to WORK all day in order to look after their kids rather than hiring a NANNY with some of the oodles of dosh that they INHERITED from their family of rich city stockbrokers. Or gamblers, as they are properly called.
On the other fluffy foot, do we really want a Prime Minister who does not know where the FEES for ETON come from?
Still, Mr Balloon goes on to add:
"…it goes without saying that my children couldn't care less whether I become prime minister or not."
It's not just your kids, Mr B!
Not to be outdone on the barf-o-metre, though, Mr Frown invites us into his beautiful luxury Downing Street apartment to share his pleasure at watching the footy on the telly – and to report back to anyone who will believe us that his Chancelorship is:
(a) an ordinary BLOKE who likes to relax like all ordinary blokes,
(b) a GENUINE supporter of England who cheers when they score and does not leave tripwires for Wayne Rooney, and
(c) certainly has plenty of spare time in which to do Lord Blairimort's job.
There is nothing wrong with Mr Frown wanting to support the England team – after all he hope to be Prime Minister of ALL of Britain and that does include England – I just wish he would not be so OBVIOUS about doing it to try and look more English-Friendly! He is a Scot and should be proud of being a Scot.
I mean, look at Mr Balloon: does he try and disguise the fact that he is an upper-class twit? No, he does not. He tries to convince people that having no brains and a lot of money that you didn't earn is a good thing.
So, Mr Frown should be saying what a good thing it is to be Scottish!
Personally, I am supporting the QUEEN'S team in the football, and I hope that Germany do very well!
It is Father's Day today. Happy Father's Day to all Daddies, including MY two Daddies.
In the news, there is competition this week for "who can be the most heart warming" between our two friends Mr Balloon and Mr Frown
First up, Mr Balloon tells us that:
"…whatever I do or don't achieve in politics, nothing matters as much as my family."
Mr Balloon is starting to spend quite a lot of time harping on, telling Daddies what they should do maybe he should spend more time with his OWN family.
Obviously, it's a lot easier to spend QUALITY TIME with the kids when you don't have to worry about the mortgage on your million pound home, or indeed the vacuuming of your million-pound home. Or your OTHER million-pound home, even. It must be very nice doing the PR for a company like DOOMED ITV Digital, but does it really pay the rent? I suppose at least it must help pay the SERVANTS.
Possibly, Mr Balloon is so naïve that he does not realise that most people have to WORK all day in order to look after their kids rather than hiring a NANNY with some of the oodles of dosh that they INHERITED from their family of rich city stockbrokers. Or gamblers, as they are properly called.
On the other fluffy foot, do we really want a Prime Minister who does not know where the FEES for ETON come from?
Still, Mr Balloon goes on to add:
"…it goes without saying that my children couldn't care less whether I become prime minister or not."
It's not just your kids, Mr B!
Not to be outdone on the barf-o-metre, though, Mr Frown invites us into his beautiful luxury Downing Street apartment to share his pleasure at watching the footy on the telly – and to report back to anyone who will believe us that his Chancelorship is:
(a) an ordinary BLOKE who likes to relax like all ordinary blokes,
(b) a GENUINE supporter of England who cheers when they score and does not leave tripwires for Wayne Rooney, and
(c) certainly has plenty of spare time in which to do Lord Blairimort's job.
There is nothing wrong with Mr Frown wanting to support the England team – after all he hope to be Prime Minister of ALL of Britain and that does include England – I just wish he would not be so OBVIOUS about doing it to try and look more English-Friendly! He is a Scot and should be proud of being a Scot.
I mean, look at Mr Balloon: does he try and disguise the fact that he is an upper-class twit? No, he does not. He tries to convince people that having no brains and a lot of money that you didn't earn is a good thing.
So, Mr Frown should be saying what a good thing it is to be Scottish!
Personally, I am supporting the QUEEN'S team in the football, and I hope that Germany do very well!
Day 1992: DOCTOR WHO: Love & Monsters
Saturday
"Ampersand". Here is a story – in olden days when even Daddy Richard was learning letters, the monks in the monasteries used to spend all day writing out the alphabet (I think this was to try and keep WARM or something).
So, they would write out all the letters A, B, C, D… all the way through to …X, Y, Z and then they would write this squiggle symbol "&" that means "and" and they would say "and per se 'and'" meaning "and on its own and". Over the years "and per se and" got SQUIDGED into one word and became "ampersand"
I am FULL of useless knowledge.
ACTUALLY, I am full of FLUFF and Daddy Richard is full of useless knowledge.
Here are his thoughts on Doctor Who this week.
"Ampersand". Here is a story – in olden days when even Daddy Richard was learning letters, the monks in the monasteries used to spend all day writing out the alphabet (I think this was to try and keep WARM or something).
So, they would write out all the letters A, B, C, D… all the way through to …X, Y, Z and then they would write this squiggle symbol "&" that means "and" and they would say "and per se 'and'" meaning "and on its own and". Over the years "and per se and" got SQUIDGED into one word and became "ampersand"
I am FULL of useless knowledge.
ACTUALLY, I am full of FLUFF and Daddy Richard is full of useless knowledge.
Here are his thoughts on Doctor Who this week.
It was obvious that this one is going to be the one that divides fandom for 2006.
A story that concentrates entirely on the perspective of a character we have never met before and his little band of friends and co-adventurers as they are one by one destroyed by the monseters would be… well "Mission to the Unknown", actually, but this week's story focusing on Mark Warren's Elton Pope and his friends in L.I 'n' D.A. probably wasn't what most fans were geared up for either.
But, actually, this story is exactly what OLD Doctor Who is supposed be and entirely what NEW Doctor Who is supposed to be: it is about introducing us to the sheer WEIRD of the world and at the same time it is about the strength and power of human relationships.
Love is at the heart of this episode. See how it is built up around the relationships between Elton and Ursula, Elton and Jackie, Jackie and Rose, Bridget and her missing daughter, Mr Skinner and Bridget, Elton and him mum. There are monsters in the cracks between all these relationships, but don't be diverted by Peter Kay, no matter how entertaining he undeniably is. The monsters here are shyness, fear and misjudgement, loneliness and loss, drugs, bad timing and repressed memories.
It is the most "Buffy" episode so far, and clearly the most Russell T Davis episode, the one that you have to listen to the people talking – all the things they are saying and all the things they are not saying – where you have to understand that this is about something rather than just a big spectacle.
Marc Warren owns this episode: for a week he is the Doctor – he is the Doctor that all of us fans secretly play inside our heads, the hero of his own adventure. Obviously he's hugely famous for "Hustle" now, but this was far beyond his wide-boy character Danny Blue: vulnerable and shy and geeky and very, very human.
That's not to downplay the other supporting actors: Shirley Henderson as fiercely protective Ursula; Simon Greenall as quiet and gentle Mr (Colin) Skinner; Moya Brady as heart-warming mum, Bridget; Kathryn Drysdale as Bliss, bless Bliss. Between them they created a little family of completely believable and tragically disposable characters. And it mattered to us when they were disposed of.
Being Doctor Who, there needs to be a villain and the big role was filled by Peter Kay. Astonishingly, interviews have said that he was initially offered the role of Elton – which would have been such a waste. Here he fills up the role of mysterious Victor Kennedy with sinister exuberance, hiding his true nature behind his eczema – or exzeeema as he insists. He manages to be disturbing and somehow very funny.
Then there is the monster behind the man, created by Blue Peter competition winner William Grantham (like you didn't know that): meet the Abzorbaloff. Kay has a ball here as a creature both vile and pathetic: a sort of combination of the sins of Envy and Gluttony that desires only to consume the experience of others. What is great is that a lot of that is actually implicit in William's winning idea: and wasn't it good to see him getting a "Abzorbaloff created by…" credit in the end titles, just like Robert Holmes or Bob Baker. Terrific accent, by the way, though what a shame we didn't get a "lot's of planets have a north", eh?
The twin planet of Raxacoricofallapatorius is Klom. We rolled about.
What didn't work? One thing was the Scooby Doo chase for Rose the Doctor and the unnamed monster at the start. On paper – indeed in animation – it must have looked like a good idea, but – even accepting that this is Elton's "cartoon" recollection of the event – live action doesn't quite work that way and you need a different set of sight gags: go watch "Paul Merton's Silent Clowns" to see how the greats did it.
The other was the Abzorbaloff costume. It's fine sitting down behind the desk, but running down the street… oh dear. Great idea but probably one for the million-pound CGI budget of a movie rather than a prosthetic job. Not that it isn't a lovely piece of work: the "absorbed" heads are terrifically creepy; and extra kudos for clearly making costumes for "before" and "after" the absorbing (abzorbing?) of Ursula. Still, the director clearly recognised this and was doing all manner of zany tricks, ramping and fast cutting, to distract us from actually looking at the thing.
But "Love & Monsters" isn’t really about either of those things. And if you allow a misjudged monster costume to distract you from the punch of recovering Elton's memory, then frankly you have no soul.
More trivially, this episode finally pins down the date for "The Christmas Invasion": Elton recalls the Auton invasion of 2005 as "two years ago", the Slitheen gambit as a year after that and the arrival of the Sycorax spaceship as Christmas, therefore logically Christmas 2007. This also helps us to date "School Reunion" to 2008 (Sarah refers to "The Christmas Invasion" as "last Christmas".) And of course, "love & Monsters" is 2008 as well.
It's a bit of a train-spotter's point, I grant you, but it does restore the fact that we can date to a year every story of the returned series.
In fact, Elton's little flashbacks actually help to ground the episode in the series more strongly and reciprocally, ground the series continuity more strongly as well. All these events are shown to be "more real" because they happen not just to our heroes the Doctor and Rose but also to innocent bystanders who don't understand what is going on and have to make their own explanations.
More credit to the director, Dan Zeef, for taking the trouble actually to restage the Auton invasion (and, frankly, realise it better than was achieved in "Rose") and to mount an "alternative" perspective of the Sycorax spaceship from Elton's flat. Even the one bit that was obviously lifted from last year's footage (you know what I mean: "Bong!") even that is expanded with a new reaction shot from Elton and the people behind him.
And bizarrely, I've seen complaints that it was "just a clips show"!
Monsters seen here in order of appearance: humans; the Hoix (apparently); Autons; Slitheen spaceship (flown by pig, not seen); Sycorax spacecraft; Abzorbaloff and a Shadow from the Howling Halls.Next week: topical sporting tournament… the Olympics (er…)
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