Mr Frown the Prime Monster has addressed the Hard Labour conference, brought to you from the DEATH STAR…
Ladies, gentlemen, Lord Emperor Mandletine, we're here to short change the world all over again. WE broke it! YOU bought it! I'm here to tell you we can break it one more time.
As Mrs Bucket told the Newsnight Show only last night, it's always at least ten years before any changes you can make start to have an effect on the economy so only now are we reaping the rewards of my masterful handling of… hang on, who wrote this?
No, look: since 1997 my Government (not Tony's) has achieve many things: two wars (er, lost), Magna Carta (er, abolished), promises on tuition fees and electoral reform (er, broken), the economy, oh god, the economy…!
No, no, look: no one could have foreseen that the economic cycle of growth and recession that has persisted for four-hundred years wouldn't have come to a completely unprecedented end just because I said so.
And no, Vince Cable doesn't count because he's a Liberal Democrat and they DO NOT EXIST! They do NOT! They're not like the FAIRIES that are going to give Chancellor Sooty the PIXIE GOLD he needs to make his budget balance. They're NOT REAL! There's no such thing as
No, no, no, look: when I said "no more boom and bust" I was misquoted; what I actually meant "no, MORE boom and bust" and I've delivered on that! You've had the biggest boom and the deepest bust since the Age of Steam!
This country faces not only two Parties… er, I mean it DOES only face TWO Parties, there isn't a THIRD Party, just that it it's not ONLY facing them…er, not only two Parties but two directions!
That's why you need Hard Labour! We have TWO FACES!
No, no, no, NO, look: You need a Party that will take ACTION!
One party wanted to "do nothing" – the Conservatory Party of Britain. They are consistently wrong all the time: on the economic call of the century they called it wrong… we know… because they AGREED WITH US!
Light touch regulation! Being extremely relaxed about people getting stinking rich! THOSE are the policies of the Conservatory Party! They were OUR policies TOO!
Remember how people queued for their money while we DITHERED over Northern Rock! Remember how much was wiped off the stock market while we DELAYED over saving the banks! Remember how we are STILL PUTTING OFF acting on bankers' bonuses!
Only Hard Labour takes action like this!
The next election will be the biggest chance for CHANGE in a generation! Just THINK how things could be different if only we had a LABOUR government instead of the current shower!
Under Hard Labour, there will be no I.D.iot cards!
Under Hard Labour there will be a referendum on electoral reform!
Under Hard Labour there would be investment to SAVE our Post Office not close them!
And if you think about "antisocial behaviour" just imagine what Hard Labour might have done about it! Criminalising all young people for just "having nothing to do"; police checking all parents for "wanting to look after kids"; keeping DNA databases on anyone who the police "happen to think looks at them funny"; locking people up at random without trial or even telling them what they've done is… THIS is the antisocial behaviour of a Hard Labour Government! Literally ANTI-SOCIAL: used to tear apart the social fabric of our county, to grind down our people's trust in each other and to bulldoze our traditional rights and liberties!
And with a Hard Labour Government I WOULD HAVE THAT POWER!!!!!!
Forget the broken promises of the past! I offer you NEW promises that we will break in the FUTURE!
This election will be about YOUR future not MY future… because I haven't GOT a future!
Comrades, as the poet said: dream no small dreams… for I have insomnia and I have to move house!
Morituri te salutamus, and good bye!
[Cue music: M People's "Throwing On Up"; crowd reluctantly rises to feet to begin applause accompanied by choking gestures from Emperor Mandletine and gasping and wheezing from doubting Tomas in cabinet]
[Frown pauses and abruptly returns to microphone]
Oh, and in answer to the cheeky beggar who wanted to put the question to the First Lord Sideous, er, I mean Emperor Mandletine…
…it may LOOK like it's full of holes and only half hanging together but I tell you this is a FULLY ARMED and OPERATIONAL Labour Party! Prescott, you may fire when ready!
[sound of comedy engine stalling and dying; former Minister for Magical Accidents appears looking embarrassed; Emperor Mandletine facepalms]