...a blog by Richard Flowers

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Day 3173: Duncan Dunk'd; Farrago Farragone


What IS it about the new Mr Speaker, Mr John Cashcow, that makes swivel-eyed right-wingers pop their upper head-gaskets?

First there's the news that Mr Nigel Farrago (supported by Mr Tim Montgomery of the Conservatory Continuity IDS) will be quitting as leader of the UKPnuts Party in order to spend more time abusing his expenses allowance* campaigning to get Mr Speaker Cashcow's job as MP for Buckingham.

Now we hear that Mr Balloon has replaced Shadow Loss-Leader of the House Mr Alan Duncan-Donuts with a duffer who very much campaigned to get Mr Speaker Cashcow's job as Speaker, Mr Sir George Old.

Now, I'm NOT one of those people who are saying "this shows the true face of the Conservatories" – mainly because I do not think Mr Balloon would know a TRUE face if someone punched him in it – and I don't mean to be a CONSPIRACY THEORIST, but it does look like Mr Cashcow is being surrounded on two flanks, i.e. the right and the FAR-RIGHT.

Things look quite TIGHT for him, electorally.

At the last election, the Conservatories scored 27,748 votes and UKPnuts a grand 1,432. So if it is TRUE that the Conservatory vote might split 64:25 in a Farrago:Cashcow contest, then (in the unrealistic world of no other changes) that could become 21,386 for the Europhobes and (if you add in the 9,619 Labour voters and 9,508 Liberal Democrat voters) 26,921 not.

That LOOKS like a possible narrow victory for the Mr Speaker. But while Liberal Democrat voters might be persuadable to vote for a reforming Mr Speaker, Hard Labour voters have a habit of staying at home and sitting on their fluffy feet if their man isn't up for election. Would YOU want to rely on them?

It would certainly suit Mr Balloon to get rid of a semi-detached free thinker like Mr Cashcow and replace him with a tame Conservatory – and since Hard Labour went and broke the convention of Mr Speaker being picked from the opposition, he'd have no trouble getting away with it.

In fact, it doesn't half look as though he's lining up Mr Sir George Old to slip into the role should it – entirely tragically – fall vacant due to the election of the MEP for Innsmouth. Mr Balloon has spoken in praise of his "great talent, depth and experience" or AGE as we say in English. In fact, Mr Sir George is so old that he was alive when the Conservatories were last in charge of running the country into the ground, and his "experience" amounts to being a minister for Mr Major Minor and the man who oversaw the aftermath of the Conservatories smashing the railways into tiny little pieces.

Conservatory transport being SO successful (or possibly because of a drunk driving conviction) he obviously travelled everywhere by bicycle, earning himself the nickname "the bicycling baronet", so that is something else he shares with Mr Balloon. Though there is no mention of how his SHOES travelled.

Mind you, Mr Sir George's fluffy feet are hardly CLEAN in the matter of the EXPENSES row. In fact, they are covered in black marker pen because he was the one doing all the redacting! In the last two years he claimed the maximum second home allowance of £23,000 a year on his London home which is within walking distance of the House of Commons. He also employs his daughter Ms Camilla as office manager, paid (salary undisclosed) from his taxpayer-funded expenses.

So OBVIOUSLY he's just the right sort of person to turn GAMEKEEPER for the House. You know: a POACHER.

Does anyone remember those HEADY days of summer when all these REVELATIONS were going to lead to REFORM?

Oh look, NOW Mr Balloon is going to make MPs pay more for SALAD. Give me STRENGTH!

*Of COURSE, Mr Farrago is using his communications allowance for communicating with his constituents. Or, strictly speaking, the very tiny proportion of his constituents who live in the Buckingham constituency.


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