...a blog by Richard Flowers

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Day 2772: Memo to Mr Frown


The SUSPICIOUS thing about the Sunday Hate Mail's leaked memo… well, ONE of the suspicious things… is that it was supposedly written last autumn in the aftermath of "The Labour's disastrous conference".

So which conference would that be? Because the one I remember had the entire Labour Party buoyed up and convinced that they were about to call AND WIN a general election.

The wheels only started to fall off the FOLLOWING week when Mr Frown flew into Iraq just as Master Gideon was promising tax cuts for millionaires. Between them, these two developments led to the bottled election-that-never-was.

Not that I think it is UNLIKELY that Lord Blairimort was writing little notes saying "Blimey, Gordon, look, I mean, I know you're new to this but, phew, you stink!"

And the urge to leak a great big "I told you so" to the papers must have been irresistible.

But look at the analysis: the key allegation is that Mr Frown has set himself on this disastrous course by offering change rather than sticking to more of Lord Blairimort's policy of Thatcherism-lite. (Still half the calories, but now with added State Funeral!)

The truth is, Mr Frown has come to disaster by promising a change from Lord Blairimort and NOT DELIVERING.

We all know that the former Prime Monster hung grimly on to power for as long as he could. But the idea that everything has gone wrong JUST because Mr Frown finally prized Lord B's fingers off the Downing Street doorsill is simply preposterous.

Had Lord Blairimort remained as Prime Monster, there would STILL have been a Credit Crunch; Northern Rock would still have collapsed; the Customs and Revenue would STILL have put half the nation's personal data on a couple of CDs and then lost them; and the Labour would STILL have lost London, Crewe & Nantwich, and Glasgow East.

Still, the Minister for Magical Accidents, Mr Prescott, wouldn't have QUIT so there wouldn't have been a Deputy Leadership election and Mr Peter Vain wouldn't have "forgotten" about the hundred grand in campaign donations being slipped his way through a phoney think-tank. And the Labour would merely still be stuck in the mid-20s in the polls where they were with Lord B… which of course they STILL are under Mr Frown.

Not that Mr Frown doesn't deserve to get the blame – he was in charge of the country from his Treasury bunker; these are the rotten fruits of ten years of the Blairimort-Frown partnership. It's just that Lord Blairimort deserves his share of the blame TOO!

So, anyway, it's week TWO of the Gordo's Gotta Go crisis.

The Prime Monster is being further undermined by a group of anonymous has-beans unnamed former ministers suggesting that since HE can't come up with any policies, they'll have to do it for him.

And, coupled with the leaking of this memo, it certainly LOOKS like a retaliatory counter-strike by the Death Eaters Lovely Fluffity Bunny Followers of Lord Blairimort for the (Prime) Monstering of Mr Millipede.

You can't have failed to notice that after Mr Millipede's unexpected full-frontal DENIAL of wanting Mr Frown's job, as many as one or two Labour backbenchers – completely independently of Downing Street – urged the Prime Monster to sack him.

"If David Millipede was placed back on the backbenches, then I think he'd become the non-entity that he was before his accelerated promotion!"

said backbencher Ms Geraldine Who?

"…it is a DUPLICITOUS message which is the worst possible kind of politics," added Mr Bob Marshall-Andrews, the backbench LOYALIST who has LOYALLY rebelled against the Government on more than a hundred occasions, at least twenty in the current Parliament alone.

Obviously this is the POD-PERSON Mr Bob Marshall-Andrews and NOT the OTHER Mr Bob Marshall-Andrews who once decried the "ruthless expunging" of "intellectual challenge and dissent" under the headline: "Our Prime Monster is nothing but a BULLY"

Hot on their heels, fluffy Apprentice Star, Mr Sir Alan Sugar, also told Mr Frown that Mr Millipede should get FIRED.

(Presumably Mr Sir Alan hasn't seen Mr Millipede's REVERSE PTERODACTYL yet!)

And with the usual spin machine going all SECRET STALIN again and laying into Mr Millipede, three Cabinet Ministers were quickly on scene to cover Mr Frown's bottom.

Well, I SAY three, but two of them were Sooty and Ms Harriet Harpy, so they barely count. The other one was Mr John Deadman, Secretary of State for Moving Mr Frown from Work to Pension.

"Mr Frown has a profound understanding of what this country needs" Mr Deadman told Andy Marrmite. "He knows what it's like to be totally f…" and then the theme tune cut in.

The other rumour is that Mr Frown is going to spice up his team with a RESHUFFLE, moving Mr Millipede to the Treasury to put him under the EYE of SAURON as a reward for his loyalty and talent. Though I really can't see Mr M wanting to take Sooty's place with Mr Frown's hand up his… and then the theme tune cut in.

Anyway, according to the BBC there is a consensus in the Labour that if Mr Frown is to get back in the game by September, he needs to create a "BIG BANG"… which leads me to remember the old PROVERB:

"When you are in a hole… don't use DYNAMITE!"

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