Day 2197: The Return of the Two Davids

Saturday:


No, it's not who you think. This is about the NEW two Davids: Mr Millipede and Mr Balloon!

The Oxford Farming Conference saw an AMAZING NEW DOUBLE-ACT this week with speeches from the man who will lose the next election and the man who will lose the election after that!

Ms Sarah Mukherjee for the BBC was along to play SPOT THE DIFFERENCE!

According to her, they were both a bit DULL on the Conference Floor, but made up for it by both coming TRAGICALLY UNDONE when actually asked to answer questions on their specialised subject.

Mr Balloon was first up at 9 am.

Mr Balloon's speech

"Farming," Mr Balloon told us, "is about food production!"

Golly – you can see why he is leader of the opposition, can't you!

He went on to say a few words about his own vision of farming: "Change, Organic Foods, Optimism, Change, Fuel Crops, Change, Climate Change and Change."

"This isn't the muesli-eating fringe," he concluded. "Oh, and did I mention Change?"

Mr Balloon's big idea apparently is transparent food labelling. (Although if the label is transparent, won't that make it harder to read?)

He also promised to keep an eye on the supermarkets and their bullying of farmers.

"I'm a convinced free marketeer," he said. "That means I am in favour of markets that work."

Oh no it doesn't! Is there ANYONE who is NOT in favour of things that work? A CONVINCED free marketeer believes that markets ALWAYS work. That's the difference between a pragmatist and a believer.

Mind you he didn't promise to DO anything about the supermarkets, but then that might compromise the chance of one of those corporate sponsorships from Tesco or ASDA.

On the question of farming regulations, was he in favour of a decrease or an increase? Mr Balloon cleared it up:

"We can learn a good deal from other countries in the EU, who would not think of burdening their farmers with the bureaucracy you have to endure," he said, before going on to add "Just as we insist that every Japanese car imported into the UK meets strict emission standards so we should insist that animal products meet decent welfare standards."

Yes, he wants BOTH!

"Some people might say that this represents a restraint of trade," he said, "I disagree."

Well he would, wouldn't he!

Mr Balloon summed up:

"In my vision, British consumption of British food will be the result of the skills, innovation, investment, branding, and quality assurance of British farmers and the British food industry, not the generosity of the taxpayer. Where the taxpayer does have a role is in promoting environmental sustainability."[*]

"And," he added, "protect the beauty of the natural landscape."


Then Mr Millipede came along for the late starters at 11 am.

Mr Millipede's speech

Mr Millipede sensed that the audience was listless. So he gave them some lists…

• Five pieces of good news;

• Four areas where farming is doing badly;

• Six obvious priorities for 2007;

• Three debates to which farming is critical;

• Four ways the operating environment will change;

• Three areas of vision for farming 2020;

• Six areas where "The role of Government is to deliver a policy framework that encourages innovation and investment to build market share and justify public spending";

• Five challenges for the farming industry;

• And a partridge in a pear tree.

Mr Millipede summed up:

Mr Millipede summed up:

"In my vision, British consumption of British food will be the result of the skills, innovation, investment, branding, and quality assurance of British farmers and the British food industry, not the generosity of the taxpayer. Where the taxpayer does have a role is in promoting environmental sustainability."[*]

"And," he added, "protect the beauty of the natural landscape."

[*] but which one of them ACTUALLY said it?!


So how was Nemesis visited upon these two Wunderkinder?

Mr Millipede had demonstrated his grasp of the economic realities by encouraging dairy farmers to follow the European example and put less of their output into fresh milk and more into butter which, er, sells for less money than fresh milk.

Collared about it by the press, Mr Millipede could only look BLANK.


Mr Balloon, on the other fluffy foot, had criticised the government for equivocating over BADGER CONTROL (THIS Badger, not THAT Badger) – which turned out to be unwise, since when he was challenged to say it this meant he would support a badger cull, he, er, EQUIVOCATED.

Apparently he got quite TESTY about it, and ended the interview with Farming Today rather ABRUPTLY!


Both David AND David (the Amazing Interchangeable Twins) are graduates of OXFORD UNIVERSITY, you know. I am SURE that their old university was SO glad they came back to show how JOLLY CLEVER they both are!