Day 2730: Whip Crack Away

Sunday (ish… time to make Daddy catch up on those diaries he missed!):


Well grant me a professorship with tenure and a pension if it isn't the long awaited return of a George Lucas classic that somehow doesn't QUITE live up to the hype or our memories!

Yes, Professor Henry "Indiana" Jones is back in the really rather-too-long-to-type "…and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull". So grabbing my bullwhip and fedora, I open up the secret passage from the Thuggee temple into the back of the cinema to go watch it with my Daddies.

History hangs heavy on this film, with a portrait of Mr Denholm and a photo of Mr Sean reminding us that even the FRANCHISE is now an historical artefact, first unearthed in the Eighties.

And for the first half of the movie it all looks like it's being quite clever, with commentaries on Indy getting old and on the US being so caught up in looking for communists within that they completely overlook the small army of GENUINE communists roving around their air bases. And using the gunpowder and shotgun pellets to find the magnetised metal chest was great, classic Indy using his smarts to improvise a cunning way to the treasure.

The second half rather more disappointing.

The conclusion of Last Crusade felt like it MEANT something, with father and son both learning something about each other and Jones Sr surrendering the quest for the Grail and persuading Jr to let it go.

Here the conclusion feels… perfunctory. Ms Cate Blanchett gets incinerated because… it's time to incinerate the villain; there's no sense of it being even particularly ironic, as with Mr Beloq getting melted up by the Ark because he is actually BETTER than Indy at stealing ancient artefacts or Mr Donovan getting aged to death when he was after immortality. She is smart, psychic and has that sword as a character point, but we don't really get a STORY for her. We don't really learn that her quest is for knowledge whatever the cost and that the Soviets are merely a means to her end. Daddy Alex would have liked the alien to look into her head, see her autopsying the Roswell alien and take revenge for that.

"They were archaeologists" was a really good line, but "knowledge was their treasure" came out of nowhere and didn't really tell us anything – also, how did Indy know? The only person who GAINED any knowledge went fizzle-pop because of it!

Daddy Alex was very pleased to have been ahead of the film twice: once when he mentioned (correctly) that gold is not magnetic – shortly before Indy spots that the crystal skull shouldn't be magnetic, and Mutt replies nor is gold; second when he figured that the "great serpent" clue was the Amazon, shortly before Indy did.

There was a BIT of the old Tomb Raider stuff in the Peruvian graveyard, with Indy getting them into the hidden inner crypt, but the only really big puzzle was the Mayan ziggurat in Eldorado, and – in a huge cheat – John Hurt had already figured that one out ahead of times.

Miss Marian doesn't have an awful lot to do, but she does do it with such a huge smile on her face that you know she's just loving every minute of being back.

Nor does it help that the dictates of the film mean that Harrison Ford is STILL being the action man hero. He saves Mutt (hoho – Indiana was the dog's name too) several times. We would have much preferred it if Mutt had kept saving Indy from fights and physical danger but at the end it is Indy's superior knowledge that gets them out of the flying saucer (rather than just "run for it!") – something, anything to show that there ARE compensations for getting older and that young and old need each other. Also, I was expecting some payoff for all the times Mutt whips out his comb to reset his hair. And what a shame that Indy takes the hat back from him at the end rather than settling it on his son's head to (a) pass the torch (b) finally hang up his hat.

Plus, the big spinny CGI swallowing up the pyramid is very very similar to The Mummy Returns, which itself is a poor-man's Indiana Jones… and that says a lot.


Brickloads more fun then to be had playing the computer game version: Lego Indiana Jones.

This is (obviously) the follow up to the hugely popular Lego Star Wars games. And honesty compels me to admit that it is not QUITE as good. Indy can use his whip to swing across gaps or to grab things, while other characters can dig up buried treasure or fix machinery with a handy spanner, but it's not QUITE as much fun as using the Force. Swords and pistols are no substitute for blasters and lightsabres either, but most importantly, playing the evil characters in Indiana Jones is just a bunch of Nazis, and not a patch on playing Darth Vader or the Emperor. Nor do you get the fun of some puzzles only being solvable by using the Dark Side.

On the other fluffy foot, there are none of those levels where character actions is swapped for trying to fly a Lego spaceship, the controls of which are far too fiddly for my flappy feet! So that's more platform jumping and problem solving and less shooting and crashing into things – a plus for me, though depending on how much you LIKED those levels, your mileage may vary.

Possibly BECAUSE of that, it does also seem ever so slightly EASIER, as I have finished all the levels (except the annoying one with the roller-coaster mine cars) while Lego Star Wars still remains challenging so long as I keep flying my fluffy X-Wing into the walls on the Death Star.

Like the Star Wars games, each level can and should be played at least twice – the first time in "story" mode, where you follow the adventure as it played out on screen. It is usually pretty obvious where you have to go, and what you need to solve each step, though a working knowledge of the movies is, naturally, quite handy, particularly towards the end of the "The Last Crusade" sections. Once you're through once, you can then play AGAIN in "Free Play" mode, where you can take in a CRACK TEAM of Lego figures of your choice (make sure you've got Indy for whipping stuff; Ms Marian or Ms Willie who can jump higher; the Maharaja who is small enough to climb through certain spaces AND can get special powers from the Evil Thuggee Statues™; and one of the Bazooka Troopers who are great for blowing up metal things, like Bounty Hunters could do in the Star Wars games). In Free Play you should be able to access all the hidden areas that you couldn't reach in Story mode (usually because they are blocked by metal doors or Evil Thuggee Statues™) in order to collect all the parts of the level's secret artefact, and grab a special power-up bonus to post back to Barnett College.

Speaking of the College, there are secret levels to be found there. Access is through the Trophy Room, which looks very nice once you've filled it up with all those secret artefacts, but you will have to search Indy's office pretty carefully to find the key first!

As an extra super-secret, there are five old friends from Lego Star Wars to be found imprisoned in various levels of the game. Collect all five and Indy looky-likey Han Solo is unlocked as a playable character. With blaster!

C3P0 is a golden statue in the Hovitas Temple (that's the one with the rolling boulder, as if you didn't know); Luke Skywalker is frozen into the roof of an ice cave in Tibet; Princess Leia is being held in Cell Block AA23 which for some reason can be found beneath the Temple of Doom; and the Jawas have left R2D2 in a canyon on the way to Alexandretta.

But the best is, I suspect, finding Chewbacca holed up in a SUSPICIOUSLY familiar Cantina in a back alley in Cairo!


So, lots of swash-buckling fun to be had, at least enough to tide you over until BATMAN arrives. Yes, Lego Batman is being released in the Autumn. (Oh, and there's some flick with Christian Bale in it out too.)

Day 2767: Death of Doha

Tuesday (again):


The World Trade round comes to a grinding halt as America refuses to compromise over agricultural subsidies.

For once I am in agreement with Mr Mandy Mandelbrot: it is heartbreaking.

Day 2764: Gladstone Bagged

Saturday


An auction of the GREAT MAN'S books sees them raise £65,000!

There's to be another in October, if you think you've missed out!

Day 2761: Ich Bin Ein Obama

Wednesday:


Barry O meets Ms Angular Meercat… and two-hundred thousand of her closest personal friends.


Senator Oven Chip counterattacks by suggesting to the most celebrity-obsessed culture on the planet that Barry O is a bit like Britney.


Riiiiight, you really ARE from another Century, aren't you, Senator.

Day 2760: The Arrest of Radovan Carrotcake

Tuesday:


Either they've captured the worst war criminal since World War Part II or Father Christmas!

Day 2758: Now it's the Labour's turn to Kick the Sick

Sunday:


"Claimants should work for benefits," says Mr James Deathknell.


"Claimants should work for benefits," says Mr Balloon.

Day 2757: ETS and SATS – "Excuses for Testing Shambles" that "Send All Teachers Sobbing"

Saturday:


As if it wasn't bad enough that the Government have abandoned TEACHING the children of Britain in favour of having them drilled through so many centrally set tests that they might as well be turning them into a string of sausages…

Now, they can't even tell them whether they've passed or failed!

They admit that 29% of tests for 14 year olds are delayed but claim that they may take a little longer but the quality of the marking will be much higher.

Then the questions about quality are raised.

And then we discover instances where pupils papers are returned unmarked and the pupils are marked as ABSENT!


I'm pleased to say that ETS subsequently got the sack that they so richly deserved!

Day 2756: Lovely Sarah and the Secrets

Friday:


My HERO, lovely Sarah Teather has uncovered the ALARMING number of laptops and memory sticks carrying top secret Ministry of Defence Data that have, er, been misplaced…

Day 2737: Wendy Gets Her Independence

Sunday:


Ms Wendy "Douglas in a Wig" Alexander is forced to resign over what is, in all fairness, a teensy-weensy irregularity in her fundraising.

"It's not FAIR!" she says, claiming that the Scottish Nasty Party were just using her misdemeanour as an excuse to keep causing a fuss.

Well, there may be some truth in that, but in resigning, unfortunate and unfair you may think it to be, you put your hands up to it, Ms Wendy.

Three candidates will contest the leadership after Mr "What A" Charlie Gordon – the man who actually asked for the £950 donation that brought Ms Wendy down – failed to secure enough nonimations.

At the same time, Mr Frown faces another by-election as Mr David Marshall, the MP for Glasgow East, quits "on health grounds".

Since they used to wheel MPs through the lobbies even if they were on their death beds, this is a TOUCH suspicious… and rumours soon spread that Mr Marshall was days away from being outed as the Labour's Derek Conway.

With unseemly (and, as it turns out, ill-judged) haste, the Labour set the date for 24th July, the earliest they can manage.


Also in the news… the Conservatories come up with their latest answer to the West Loathing question.

Mr Fatty Clarke's commission has come back and said that Mr Balloon's English Votes for Ingsoc Laws proposal would break up the United Kingdom, so they propose only limiting MPs' voting rights during committee stages. This is a BARKING MAD idea that will STILL create second-class MPs and is even more complicated to administer.

Day 2735: HAVE the Conservatories Changed?

Friday:


Mr Balloon boasts that he has detoxified Brand Tory, and thanks to Mr Frown's ongoing implosion the media seem to be giving him a free ride.

But what's the real evidence?

Sleaze:

While Ms Caroline "Magic" Spellman's nanny woes look more SUSPICIOUS the closer you examine them (Unity has more at Ministry of Trooth), it turns out that the Wintertons broke the rules and have been feathering their nest egg at your expense.


Hypocrisy:

Mr Balloon still green. Allegedly.


Authoritarianism:

Dame Insider Warsi on drugs, well against them obviously.


Bullying:

The Nasty Party threatens to sue the Liberal Democrats (nothing will come of this, but there'll be no coverage of the Conservatories' failure to follow though on their headline-seeking posturing).


Sadly, though, it seems that short of HAPPY SLAPPING Mrs the Queen and LAUGHING about it on Hoot Tube, Mr Balloon can do anything he likes and get away with it.


Meanwhile, Mr Clogg is in CiF pleased that we held our vote UP in Henley.

Day 2732: Anonymous

Tuesday:


The Law Lord rule that defendants have a right to know who is testifying against them and a criminal case collapses because of the ruling.

There is a plan to rush a new law through "in days".

A difficult one, this. The problem with anonymous witnesses is that it impedes the ability of the defence team to cross-examine – for example one criminal grassing up another may have his motive called into question; or perhaps four members of the Labour testifying that Mr Balloon could be held for 42 days without trial…

On the other fluffy foot, how do you make any case against big bad villains if you can't offer to protect the people who testify against them?

Day 2727: First Ladies Club

Thursday:


Mrs Barry O, Michelle Obama, appears on The View rebuilding her image after Replutocratic attacks.

While Mrs Senator Oven Chip, Cindy McCain, reveals her "grudge list".


NICE.


Barry O himself comes out against the Lobbyists (not taking public money; fewer lobbyists than Oven Chip)

While Senator Oven Chip is covered in Oil.


Oops, better not get him cross!

Day 2718: The Universe before ours

Tuesday:


It turns out that the entire operating system for the Universe is ripped off from Mr Lawrence "Mad Larry" Miles.

Which makes sense of a lot of things, actually.

Meanwhile, and closer to home, Daddy Alex thinks that the discovery of a trio of super-Earth X-Planets sounds like a cartoon for CBBC!

But he is very pleased that Britain's all-new army robots appear to be being named after Doctor Who monsters…

…though with Skynet now completed it cannot be long before these robots turn against us. Anticipate termination!

Day 2259: There's a Hole in my Diary, dear daddy, dear daddy

Friday:


Do not fall in!