...a blog by Richard Flowers

Friday, March 30, 2007

Day 2279: Home Office Split into New Ministries: Fear, Loathing and Las Vegas


This week's list of people who have been RAPPED OVER THE KNUCKLES:

Mr Balloon, for getting Cash for Access to his Commons Office[*],

Mrs Bucket, for getting No Cash for Farmers from their subsidies,

and Mr Balloon again, for not getting Planning Permission for his windmill.

Perhaps we need a new Ministry of Justice to set up a NAUGHTY CORNER for them to stand in!

Oh look, here comes Mr Dr John Reid who is the Home Secretary and Britain's OFFICIALLY nicest man!

He has come up with just the thing: a scheme that will let him keep all of the sexy, macho, hanging-about-with-men-in-flak-jackets parts of his job and get rid of all of that tedious mucking about in hyperspace re-education and reformation.

He has asked the Minister for Magical Accidents to perform his "SAWING A MINISTRY IN HALF" trick.

Nice Mr Dr Reid explained:

"WE will be taking over the security ministry, my precious, gollum, gollum…"

"…while WE will be good Sméagol, nice Sméagol, running the Justice ministry for the nice master, my precious."

A minister of justice, welcoming the news today

Posted by Picasa

Liberal Democrats have been in favour of cutting the Home Office down to size for some time. There are too many people trying to do too many – often contradictory – things. How can you focus on cutting bureaucracy for police people while simultaneously giving them a thousand new things to arrest people for every month? It is all too unwieldy for anyone to manage properly, and morale has been shot to pieces by the excessively KIND words of nice Mr Dr Reid telling them how USELESS and RUBBISH they all are.

The whims, pronouncements and reorganisations of each of Lord Blairimort's Home Secretaries over the years have left the Home Office overstretched, overloaded and undermined. The whole place needs fresh ideas, a fresh start and some good fresh air.

But "the Devil will be in the detail," says leading Liberal Democrat Mr Clogg (who clearly does not realise that the Devil will REALLY be in that Black Hole that Dr Who and Rose dropped him down last year!)

Of course, there are some DANGERS. There is the possibility of getting conflicting goals as the ministry for arresting people tries to arrest more and more people while the ministry for what to do with them after they are arrested tries to stop the prisons exploding. Or the risk of the ministry for making up new laws being just lawyers creating more work for lawyers when they stop having any input from the people who are on the streets trying to keep the peace. And of course there is the threat of EVEN MORE bureaucracy in order to send all of the new INTER-DEPARTMENTAL MEMOS that will now "need" to be written.

So, a cautious welcome then from Mr Clogg, but also a warning that he will be keeping an eye on what Mr Dr Reid decides to do to make sure it is not just another STUNT to try and secure Lord Blairimort's legacy.

On a more REASSURING note, the former berserk safety elephant, Mr Charles Clarke, has previously said that splitting up the Home Office would be a MISTAKE. Since he is always wrong about everything, this means it is almost certainly A GOOD IDEA.

Meanwhile, we have been watching the DELETED SCENES from SUPER CASINO ROYALE: it is the bit where Culture Secretary Ms Jessa Towell goes ALL IN to back the government's plans… only to find her hand beaten by a Full House of Lords.

There is NO TRUTH in reports that Mrs Towell was seen sipping a cocktail from Mr Le Chiffre mere moments before the vote.

"I am very much alive!" said Mrs Towell, hurrying for the emergency revival kit in her Austin Martin…

The Liberal Democrat who trumped Mrs Towell was Lord Clement Weather and today he welcomed the Liberal Democrat victory in the House of Lords Club.

But I am not so sure that this is a triumph. We are always (and QUITE RIGHTLY) critical of Mr Balloon for jumping on any old bandwagon – we need to be careful we are not doing the same.

Of course, the Conservatories were all for Super Casinos until they had a chance to embarrass the government… which is ODD because Mr Balloon normally tries to embarrass Lord Blairimort by voting WITH him. Poor Mr Balloon, he cannot even be CONSISTENTLY opportunist.

But is it really any of our business whether people gamble or not? Are we completely comfortable supporting the "down with this sort of thing" lobby? I am always NERVOUS when we end up on the same side as the BEARDY WEIRDY of Canterbury.

What this DOES mean is that for the moment there will be NO Super Casino at all. Which means that neither Manchester nor Blackpool are satisfied.

Here is MY solution: Manchester can have the new Super-Ministry of Justice, and Blackpool can have the Security Casino!

Will everyone be happy? Do not bet on it!

[*]Fluffy thanks to Mr Peter at the Liberal Review.


Two days to go!

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