Day 1887: Emperor of the Universe

Friday:


Last night Daddy Alex found a photograph of me from years ago. "Look how clean he was back then," he says, prompting Daddy Richard to start mopping my fluffy features with a damp cloth. Personally, I think bits of sticky bun add a certain distinction to an elephant's face, but Daddy was having none of that.


Also, the Liberal Democrats have chosen a new leader. This was called an ELECTION, which is a bit like The Apprentice but without ALIEN LIZARDS. (Probably.)

The Liberal Democrats do elections with Single Transferable Vote. That means they only have one vote but they pass it around so that they all have a turn to use it, which sounds FAIR to me.

Apparently, Mr Blair prefers One Member One Vote so long as he is the One Member with the Vote. Mr Balloon's Conservatories prefer a system called First Past the Port. They say that Single Transferable Vote is TOO COMPLICATED. That is NOT RIGHT! I am only a fluffy elephant but I can pick first second and third – even without being a count like Daddy – so it cannot be THAT difficult!

Anyway, the winner was Menzies the Merciless, who beat Mr Who and Mr Hugs. Menzies is a funny name, because although it is spelt Menzies it is pronounced Throat-Warbler Mangrove.

Mr the Merciless, or to give him his full title: Sir Mr the Merciless, was apparently an Olympic Runner. The Olympic Games were held in a country called Greece THOUSANDS of years ago, so Sir Mr the Merciless is doing very well to still keep going! It is probably VITAMINS.

But since then, Sir Mr the Merciless has been an EMINENT lawyer. That is very nearly an ELEPHANT lawyer, so I hope he will be able to help me when Mr Blair LOCKS ME UP for glorifying James Bond.

The best thing about Mr the Merciless is that he has lots of nice young friends including Sarah Teather who is my favouritest MP because she is the same size as ME!




In a way, I think that it is a shame that Mr Who did not win, because then he could have teamed up with Dr Who and that would have been very funny.

Also, I think that it is a shame that Mr Hugs did not win, because I think that HUGS are good – I AM a CUDDLY toy, after all.

Fortunately, because this is not The Apprentice, Sir Mr the Merciless did not say "You're Fired" to Mr Who or Mr Hugs, so I hope that they can all work with him.


Now I think that the first thing Sir Mr the Merciless should do is replace his old battle bus with WAR ROCKET AJAX!