Friday:
Day TWO in the job and Mr Frown is RAPIDLY developing a reputation as the GREAT PRETENDER! PRETENDING to be in favour of something in public while PULLING SECRET STRINGS behind our backs to make sure that they are blocked, undermined and STOMPED ON!
Challenged by Sir Mr the Merciless to put a stop to the SINISTER Conservatory moves to UNDERMINE Freedom, Mr Frown has REFUSED, saying… no, I'm wrong, HAVING A SPOKESPERSON SAY FOR HIM(!):
"If MPs have voted this measure through then that is a matter for them."
Are you not an MP then, Mr Frown? Has power gone to your head so VERY quickly?!
First it was the leadership election!
Public Pretender Mr Frown: "Oh, I… uhh… would be perfectly happy… uhh… to face a contest."
SECRET STALIN Mr Frown: "Trevor, I want that… uhh… backbencher… uhh… eliminated!"
Now it is the Freedom of Information Act!
Public Pretender Mr Frown: "I want to see… uhh… more openness and… uhh… restore trust to… uhh… our democracy."
SECRET STALIN Mr Frown: "Okay, let's… uhh… round up the boys and… uhh… put a stop to all this… uhh… 'freedom' nonsense!"
The Bill was proposed by Conservatory backbencher Mr David Maclean’s-Toothpaste. His THIN VENEER of an excuse for hanging this monstrous bill around the neck of Parliament was the idea that somehow the Freedom of Information Act might be used to obtain an MP’s confidential correspondence. And not just his EXPENSES BILL.
And yet time and again Liberal Democrat superhero Mr Norman the Baker, with the help of interventions from Mr Power Cable and several other Liberal Democrats, demonstrated that such a risk does not exist! Not only are there EXTENSIVE exemptions in the ALREADY week and watery Act itself, but further protection is provided by the Data Protection Act from 1998. And if that isn’t enough for you, then you can have the belt and braces of the Data Protection (Processing of Sensitive Personal Data) (Elected Representatives) Order 2002.
The CRUX of Mr Toothpaste’s argument was that even with all these protections, some ignorant official might “inadvertently, by accident or design” release some confidence to the public.
Mr the Baker and Mr Hugs and many others pointed out how LUDICROUS this was! If they might release it BY MISTAKE today, how is passing ANOTHER bit of legislation going to stop them doing it BY MISTAKE tomorrow? Add to this the observation of Mr David Heath that IF this is such a problem, WHY have no cases been referred to the Information Commissioner?
Which reminds me, apparently Mr Frown’s chief scarecrow, Mr Man O’Straw had to apologise to the Information Commissioner in the House for, er, slightly fibbing about him having caused this whole problem by ALLOWING such a letter to be released under Freedom of Information. No such thing has ever happened!
And speaking of things that never happen: apparently the story that the Labour were putting around went like this: suppose that an MP in Scotland gets a letter from a constituent; they write to the local council that is (shocked mittens) no longer controlled by the Labour! Then someone on the council tips off a Scots Nasty MSP! Then the MSP uses Freedom of Information legislation to get hold of the original letter so that they can reply to the constituent before the Labour MP can!
Quite WHY anyone would engage in such a POTTY conspiracy ESCAPES ME – but besides, SCOTTISH MSPs have their OWN Freedom of Information Act and it is much better than the one the rest of us are lumbered with!
This was also the point of Ms Jo Swinson who pointed out how completely BONKERS it will be for her correspondence with Scottish public bodies will be covered by Freedom of Information, but writing to – say – the Department of Worthless Pensions (Whitehall Branch) will be exempt.
It is a recipe for CHAOS! In the muddle MORE things are likely to get released “inadvertently, by accident or design”!
Mr Toothpaste himself only spoke the once, and only took interventions from his friends, pointedly turning down Liberal Democrats but taking every opportunity to cast aspersions.
This exchange…
Ms Jo Swinson: “Will the right hon. Gentleman give way?”
Mr David Toothpaste: “No, the hon. Lady has been HARPING ON a little too much this morning.”
…is merely one of the more EGREGIOUS!
He finally goes completely into one:
Mr David Toothpaste: “The Liberal Democrats clearly intend to talk at length today. I intend to sit down in a moment and give them more opportunity to justify their position. If the whole Liberal Democrat party is opposed to this Bill, as its new leader is, it is a little late in the day making its opposition known…”
Oh well why even BOTHER having Parliament DEBATE things? Having slyly slipped it under the radar with a bit of a nod-and-a-wink from the government whips, did he REALLY just expect his Bill to go through on the nod?
You would almost think that no one else was AGAINST this nasty little measure, the way he was ignoring the fact that he was ALSO facing senior opposition from HIS OWN party and from the Labour too. He was clearly on a CRUSADE against Liberalism!
If you do not believe that he had an ULTERIOR MOTIVE, ask yourself the question that MP for VULCAN Mr John Deadwood asked: if Mr Toothpaste was concerned about maintaining the privacy of MPs’ correspondence… why then did he vote AGAINST the amendment that would have limited the scope of his bill to MPs’ correspondence?
The government spent much of the day and several of their speeches in the House protesting that they remained NEUTRAL. I have poured SCORN on the logic of this position before, but the MOST PERTINENT question came from Liberal Democrat Mr David Howarth MP - daddy and I heard it on the PM programme: I think it was a clip from the debate…
"If the government is as they claim neutral, why is it that the majority of members voting in the Aye lobby were government ministers, government whips or opposition whips?!"
Yes, that's right: OPPOSITION WHIPS too. Mr Balloon has been quick to renew his traditional UNHOLY ALLIANCE with the Labour and seal his NEW FRIENDSHIP with Mr Frown… with a SECRET KISS, no doubt!!!
But it is CLEAR where the REAL BLAME for this lies!
A total of seventy-eight Labour MPs supported the Conservatories' bill today. Seventy-eight! When Mr Toothpaste cold only gather EIGHTEEN of his own Conservatories to support his bill! SEVENTY-EIGHT! Including our own MP, the SHAMEFUL Mr Jim Fitzpatrick, aka ROBOT JIM! We were hardly surprised to see Mr Stephen "I'll Do Anything for a Pound" Pound in the Aye lobby, but the MP that daddy Alex stood against in Leyton and Wanstead, Mr Harry Cohen SHOULD KNOW BETTER! SEVENTY-BLEEPING-EIGHT! That is ONE in FIVE of the PLP – almost enough to nominate TWO DWEEBS to be Deputy Stalin!
Voting against the bill and FOR FREEDOM where nine Liberal Democrats, nine from the Labour, five Conservatories, Mr Hywel of the Welsh Nasty Party and Mr Gorgeous Pussycat Leotard.
The Liberal Democrats to be CONGRATULATED are:
Mr Norman the Baker,
Ms Lovely Burt,
Mr Tim Farron,
Ms Sandra Giddy,
Ms Julia Worth-her-weight-in-Goldsworthy
Dr Evan Elp Us Harris,
Mr David Howarth,
Mr Simon Hugs,
Ms Susan Kramer vs Kramer
Also, Ms Jo Swinson and Mr Alan Reid who were doing the counting up.
Honourable mentions too to Mr Lemming Icepick and Dr Power Cable who were present during at least some of the debate.
We managed to field a whole 20% of our Parliamentarians there, but at least every one of them voted the right way!
(And the REST of you can go and HANG YOUR HEADS!)
"This is a DAY OF SHAME!" said the Liberal Democrat’s Mr David Heath.
And he is RIGHT!
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Day 2328: Good Golly Gosh it's Gordon!
Thursday:
You have to hand it to Mr Frown… and that is exactly what the Labour have done!
Still he put on a JOLLY GOOD SHOW of being keen on there being an election, debating against his opponents, putting out his policy announcements day by day: eco-towns, special tuition for mathematics. And all the while his little band of STALINIST ENFORCERS were twisting the arms of all the MPs to make sure the opposition got shut out.
Or as Daddy Alex put it: who would have thought that there were 308 MPs who STILL want to be ministers?
There was on course no chance at all that Mr John McDoomed might actually WIN in a ballot of all the members, so you have to ask yourself why Mr Frown would be so keen to get hold of seven-eighths of the Labour MPs and thus make it mathematically – even with special maths tuition – impossible for anyone else to get on the ballot.
Does this, in any sense, actually MATTER? After all, 318 out of 354 is a better result than 185 out of 379 that saw Mr John Minor elected Prime Monster in 1990.
The unwritten letter of the unwritten law in our unwritten constitution (what Mr Frown now want to write) is that if he can command a majority of members in the House of Commons (which with 318 of the Labour under his big clunking thumb he almost certainly can) then he is Prime Monster. End. Of.
And as Mr Jonny among others have pointed out – and this is COMPLETELY TRUE – we do not NEED to have a general election. We elect our MPs and THEY choose who is FIRST AMONG EQUALS, as they say.
I have heard the Labour ministers describing their parliamentary party as a very "sophisticated" electorate. Just like the Conservatories used to say THEIR MPs were the most sophisticated electorate in the world.
Although, I suspect that they are using the word "sophisticated" to mean "small"!
(After all these are two bunches of people who you can watch in Parliament on the telly, being as "sophisticated" as a two cages of CRAZED BABOONS, and whose most complicated decision is usually whether to throw their bananas at the other lot or at each other!)
But this is POLITICS and there are more complicated things than RULES and TRUTH going on.
Both Mr Balloon and Sir Mr the Merciless were elected by a ballot of all the members of their particular parties (with perhaps a little help from Fluffy Mr Frank Luntz on one party's part!) This gives them a (possibly dubious) CACHET in comparison with Mr Frown. Somehow they seem more "legit", while Mr Frown seems like he has fixed it for himself to be Prime Monster without anyone getting a say in it.
That may not REALLY be true – the good electors of Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath, at the every least, have had a say in him being in Parliament (and, incidentally, can I just say that being an MP for a constituency in Great Britain Mr Frown is ENTIRELY ENTITLED to be Prime Monster for Great Britain, whatever the Conservatories in their guise as the ENGLISH NASTY PARTY might try to imply about which BIT of Great Britain that constituency happens to be IN!) – but as I say, this isn't about TRUTH, it is about POLITICS.
The APPEARANCE of things, the way those appearances make people FEEL, these oftentimes matter more than what is really going on. Which is SAD.
It is down to the media too, of course. They have been deprived of a good old old-fashioned knock-down drag-out fight between Mr Frown and Mr McDoomed. So there is a lingering sense of "wahh!" about their reporting of this coronation.
But it also adds to the current MALAISE of politics: people feel that they are not being listened to.
This goes back to the march against the War, when the biggest ever demonstration in Britain was pretty much ignored because the government really, really wanted to invade a Middle Eastern country. But it goes back further than that too – all the way to 1997 when Lord Blairimort promised that "Things Can Only Get Better" and though people voted for change… things kind of stayed the same but more so.
Pundits and politicians talk about the "Westminster Bubble" as though the MPs and government live in their own little SPACE CAPSULE separate from the rest of us.
People feel shut out of the big decisions that affect their lives.
People feel – rightly or wrongly – that the Political Parties are all the same.
Mr Balloon has reinforced this idea, even encouraged it, with his APING of Lord Blairimort. He has done this because (a) the difference used to be that the Conservatories were the ones who were EVIL and now that isn't the case. At least now they're not the ONLY ones who are evil(!) and (b) it breeds apathy and that means fewer people vote and that means that the Conservatories have an advantage because their voters turn out more often and more reliably than anybody else's.
But we Liberal Democrats have to shoulder some of the blame too! We like to think that we are so very different from the others, plucky little fighters for freedom we, against the authoritarian government and the autocratic Old Etonians. But all too often we end up SOUNDING just like the others. A bit GREY!
This is why Liberal Democrat Mr Clogg is calling for us to develop a NARRATIVE. That is management speak for "the story of us"; I have seen "The Apprentice"! The idea, pretty simply, is to have a pretty simple idea that everyone will think of when they think of us. They might not remember our POLICES but they will remember the sort of thing that our policies might be.
Mr Balloon has been VERY SUCCESSFUL in developing his own narrative: his narrative is "We are NICE now!" So it does not matter that people cannot think of a single policy that Mr Balloon might have – whatever it might be it just MUST turn out to be "nice"; that is what the narrative says, right?
(Though remember: "he's got no policies" is ALSO a narrative, and one that is in danger of sticking! Remember how Lord Blairimort's narrative of "I'm tough" has MUTATED into "I'm COMPLETELY INSANE!")
We need our own "narrative". It needs to be something like "we're the one's who are on YOUR side" or "we're the ones who'll make a DIFFERENCE!"
That is NOT to say that we should have CRAZY policies just to BE different. But we need to find issues where we can make ourselves heard with consistent liberal statements. We should for example be more against BANNING THINGS (even when it's for people's own good)
Mr Frown's narrative, reinforced by this week's carryings on, is: "I don't trust anyone!"
And that's not the BEST way to start a new job.
Meanwhile, there is to be a genuine contest in the race to be Mr Frown's deputy, as the requisite number of nominations has been received by all six candidates, representing the FULL SPECTRUM of Labour opinion all the way from AVOCADO to GUACAMOLE.
Those candidates in full:
Tweedlebrownite – vote for me, I'm a woman!
Tweedleblairite – vote for me, I'm a headless chicken!
Tweedleboring – vote for me, I'm a postman!
Tweedlebackbencher – vote for me, I'm a radical (just ignore that I used to work for Number Ten)!
Tweedlbenny – vote for me because although I am my father's son, although politically speaking I'm not my father's son, but having worked as a political researcher for a union and then as an MP and never having held down a proper job in my life, and as a scion of a political family and nearly the inheritor of a vicountsy (thanks dad), I think I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I'm properly the authentic voice of the common working man in the street… (continued p94)
And peach painted preener, Mr Peter Vain – mmm, he's lovin' it.
Isn't CHOICE marvellous!
You have to hand it to Mr Frown… and that is exactly what the Labour have done!
Still he put on a JOLLY GOOD SHOW of being keen on there being an election, debating against his opponents, putting out his policy announcements day by day: eco-towns, special tuition for mathematics. And all the while his little band of STALINIST ENFORCERS were twisting the arms of all the MPs to make sure the opposition got shut out.
Or as Daddy Alex put it: who would have thought that there were 308 MPs who STILL want to be ministers?
There was on course no chance at all that Mr John McDoomed might actually WIN in a ballot of all the members, so you have to ask yourself why Mr Frown would be so keen to get hold of seven-eighths of the Labour MPs and thus make it mathematically – even with special maths tuition – impossible for anyone else to get on the ballot.
Does this, in any sense, actually MATTER? After all, 318 out of 354 is a better result than 185 out of 379 that saw Mr John Minor elected Prime Monster in 1990.
The unwritten letter of the unwritten law in our unwritten constitution (what Mr Frown now want to write) is that if he can command a majority of members in the House of Commons (which with 318 of the Labour under his big clunking thumb he almost certainly can) then he is Prime Monster. End. Of.
And as Mr Jonny among others have pointed out – and this is COMPLETELY TRUE – we do not NEED to have a general election. We elect our MPs and THEY choose who is FIRST AMONG EQUALS, as they say.
I have heard the Labour ministers describing their parliamentary party as a very "sophisticated" electorate. Just like the Conservatories used to say THEIR MPs were the most sophisticated electorate in the world.
Although, I suspect that they are using the word "sophisticated" to mean "small"!
(After all these are two bunches of people who you can watch in Parliament on the telly, being as "sophisticated" as a two cages of CRAZED BABOONS, and whose most complicated decision is usually whether to throw their bananas at the other lot or at each other!)
But this is POLITICS and there are more complicated things than RULES and TRUTH going on.
Both Mr Balloon and Sir Mr the Merciless were elected by a ballot of all the members of their particular parties (with perhaps a little help from Fluffy Mr Frank Luntz on one party's part!) This gives them a (possibly dubious) CACHET in comparison with Mr Frown. Somehow they seem more "legit", while Mr Frown seems like he has fixed it for himself to be Prime Monster without anyone getting a say in it.
That may not REALLY be true – the good electors of Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath, at the every least, have had a say in him being in Parliament (and, incidentally, can I just say that being an MP for a constituency in Great Britain Mr Frown is ENTIRELY ENTITLED to be Prime Monster for Great Britain, whatever the Conservatories in their guise as the ENGLISH NASTY PARTY might try to imply about which BIT of Great Britain that constituency happens to be IN!) – but as I say, this isn't about TRUTH, it is about POLITICS.
The APPEARANCE of things, the way those appearances make people FEEL, these oftentimes matter more than what is really going on. Which is SAD.
It is down to the media too, of course. They have been deprived of a good old old-fashioned knock-down drag-out fight between Mr Frown and Mr McDoomed. So there is a lingering sense of "wahh!" about their reporting of this coronation.
But it also adds to the current MALAISE of politics: people feel that they are not being listened to.
This goes back to the march against the War, when the biggest ever demonstration in Britain was pretty much ignored because the government really, really wanted to invade a Middle Eastern country. But it goes back further than that too – all the way to 1997 when Lord Blairimort promised that "Things Can Only Get Better" and though people voted for change… things kind of stayed the same but more so.
Pundits and politicians talk about the "Westminster Bubble" as though the MPs and government live in their own little SPACE CAPSULE separate from the rest of us.
People feel shut out of the big decisions that affect their lives.
People feel – rightly or wrongly – that the Political Parties are all the same.
Mr Balloon has reinforced this idea, even encouraged it, with his APING of Lord Blairimort. He has done this because (a) the difference used to be that the Conservatories were the ones who were EVIL and now that isn't the case. At least now they're not the ONLY ones who are evil(!) and (b) it breeds apathy and that means fewer people vote and that means that the Conservatories have an advantage because their voters turn out more often and more reliably than anybody else's.
But we Liberal Democrats have to shoulder some of the blame too! We like to think that we are so very different from the others, plucky little fighters for freedom we, against the authoritarian government and the autocratic Old Etonians. But all too often we end up SOUNDING just like the others. A bit GREY!
This is why Liberal Democrat Mr Clogg is calling for us to develop a NARRATIVE. That is management speak for "the story of us"; I have seen "The Apprentice"! The idea, pretty simply, is to have a pretty simple idea that everyone will think of when they think of us. They might not remember our POLICES but they will remember the sort of thing that our policies might be.
Mr Balloon has been VERY SUCCESSFUL in developing his own narrative: his narrative is "We are NICE now!" So it does not matter that people cannot think of a single policy that Mr Balloon might have – whatever it might be it just MUST turn out to be "nice"; that is what the narrative says, right?
(Though remember: "he's got no policies" is ALSO a narrative, and one that is in danger of sticking! Remember how Lord Blairimort's narrative of "I'm tough" has MUTATED into "I'm COMPLETELY INSANE!")
We need our own "narrative". It needs to be something like "we're the one's who are on YOUR side" or "we're the ones who'll make a DIFFERENCE!"
That is NOT to say that we should have CRAZY policies just to BE different. But we need to find issues where we can make ourselves heard with consistent liberal statements. We should for example be more against BANNING THINGS (even when it's for people's own good)
Mr Frown's narrative, reinforced by this week's carryings on, is: "I don't trust anyone!"
And that's not the BEST way to start a new job.
Meanwhile, there is to be a genuine contest in the race to be Mr Frown's deputy, as the requisite number of nominations has been received by all six candidates, representing the FULL SPECTRUM of Labour opinion all the way from AVOCADO to GUACAMOLE.
Those candidates in full:
Tweedlebrownite – vote for me, I'm a woman!
Tweedleblairite – vote for me, I'm a headless chicken!
Tweedleboring – vote for me, I'm a postman!
Tweedlebackbencher – vote for me, I'm a radical (just ignore that I used to work for Number Ten)!
Tweedlbenny – vote for me because although I am my father's son, although politically speaking I'm not my father's son, but having worked as a political researcher for a union and then as an MP and never having held down a proper job in my life, and as a scion of a political family and nearly the inheritor of a vicountsy (thanks dad), I think I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I'm properly the authentic voice of the common working man in the street… (continued p94)
And peach painted preener, Mr Peter Vain – mmm, he's lovin' it.
Isn't CHOICE marvellous!
Friday, May 18, 2007
Day 2327: Do the Harry Cokey
Wednesday:
You put the Young Prince in…
You pull the Young Prince out…
You send him back to barracks and you mess us all about…
You do the Harry Cokey and get egg upon your face…
That's what it's all ahh…bout!
Hey!
Be FAIR: it's DANGEROUS out there!
You put the Young Prince in…
You pull the Young Prince out…
You send him back to barracks and you mess us all about…
You do the Harry Cokey and get egg upon your face…
That's what it's all ahh…bout!
Hey!
Be FAIR: it's DANGEROUS out there!
Day 2326: Conservatories drop Grammar
Tuesday:
Mr Balloon has decided that he no longer supports the idea of rich kids getting a head start by being sent to Grammar Schools. Eton and Harrow are quite sufficient, thank you.
Mr Balloon has decided that he no longer supports the idea of rich kids getting a head start by being sent to Grammar Schools. Eton and Harrow are quite sufficient, thank you.
Day 2325: Wolfie Whistles
Monday:
So, Daddy and I were SLIGHTLY STARTLED to hear some bloke called Mr David Rifkin on the The Today Programme decrying an attempted European COUP against America.
Had we missed something rather URGENT in the headlines? Should we be considering taking to the SHELTERS?
But then it turned out that he was in fact talking about whether his FRIEND Mr Woof Paulowitz would get FIRED.
Daddy told me to look up the word HYPERBOLE!
That is right: Mr Rifkin is an American who is overpaid, over here and WAY WAY OVER THE TOP!
As you may remember, Mr Woof faces facing the music at the World Bankbecause he has had his fingers in the honey pot on behalf of his girlfriend. That is what a panel of executives from the World Bank say, anyway.
It would seem that Mr Rifkin believes that BEING AMERICAN is enough to excuse lying and corruption. If ONLY Al Capone had REALISED!
"This is an attack on the Monkey-in-Chief's Administration," he insisted, "and you cannot separate the Administration from America!"
Actually, you CAN do that, and indeed the American people have ALREADY done that, when they rejected the Monkey-in-Chief at the polls last year. That is why Mr Monkey has had to veto his own budget and in turn that is why he is shortly going to run out of money. Perhaps he could do with a BANK LOAN – I wonder if he has any friends in the Banking Industry… ah!
Blaming your allies when your slimy friends get caught bang-to-rights really is a case of burning your bridges WHILE YOU ARE CROSSING THEM! It is never going to save Mr Woof, and you might just need the co-operation of those Europeans if you want to get another President of the World Bank installed. Ever.
Clearly, though, Mr Rifkin believes that the best form of defence is an offence… and the best form of offence is to strap yourself to an ATOM BOMB and kiss your BOTTOM goodbye!
Wolfie Whistles Off!
So, Daddy and I were SLIGHTLY STARTLED to hear some bloke called Mr David Rifkin on the The Today Programme decrying an attempted European COUP against America.
Had we missed something rather URGENT in the headlines? Should we be considering taking to the SHELTERS?
But then it turned out that he was in fact talking about whether his FRIEND Mr Woof Paulowitz would get FIRED.
Daddy told me to look up the word HYPERBOLE!
That is right: Mr Rifkin is an American who is overpaid, over here and WAY WAY OVER THE TOP!
As you may remember, Mr Woof faces facing the music at the World Bankbecause he has had his fingers in the honey pot on behalf of his girlfriend. That is what a panel of executives from the World Bank say, anyway.
It would seem that Mr Rifkin believes that BEING AMERICAN is enough to excuse lying and corruption. If ONLY Al Capone had REALISED!
"This is an attack on the Monkey-in-Chief's Administration," he insisted, "and you cannot separate the Administration from America!"
Actually, you CAN do that, and indeed the American people have ALREADY done that, when they rejected the Monkey-in-Chief at the polls last year. That is why Mr Monkey has had to veto his own budget and in turn that is why he is shortly going to run out of money. Perhaps he could do with a BANK LOAN – I wonder if he has any friends in the Banking Industry… ah!
Blaming your allies when your slimy friends get caught bang-to-rights really is a case of burning your bridges WHILE YOU ARE CROSSING THEM! It is never going to save Mr Woof, and you might just need the co-operation of those Europeans if you want to get another President of the World Bank installed. Ever.
Clearly, though, Mr Rifkin believes that the best form of defence is an offence… and the best form of offence is to strap yourself to an ATOM BOMB and kiss your BOTTOM goodbye!
Update!
Friday:Wolfie Whistles Off!
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Day 2324: Pif Paf Pof
Sunday:
"Pif paf pof, my heart goes pif paf pof!"
Those were the TEAR-JERKING words of the Eurovision entry that never was from the Camp Cabin Crew of Air Scotia, aka "The High Life".
And yet how strangely SIMILAR was the dirgeful ditty that we really did enter this year.
Is it JUST POSSIBLE that singing "We're flying the flag all over the world" with a GREAT BIG Union Flag flapping behind you, at a time when we are still flying the flag all over that Middle Eastern country that we invaded, MAY have been taken the WRONG WAY?
Still we should take cheer from this year's winner; proof if you need it that you can still go from MOST REVILED NATION ON EARTH to EUROVISION SUCCESS!
There do, however, seem to have been a few complaints that there was some GEOGRAPHICAL bias to the way that nations cast their votes.
And now, I am sorry to say, numb nut Liberal Democrat MP Richard Down-with-the-Youngsters Ross is calling for the voting system to be changed.
Yes I know we're ALWAYS calling for the voting system to be changed, but HONESTLY it is normally to get more power INTO the hands of ordinary people, NOT to take it AWAY from them because they would rather vote for their neighbours than a frankly dreadful caterwaul from the far end of the continent!
But you know what: actually it's OK that the East Europeans all voted for each other.
They've only been doing this for a few years now; they do not yet understand that a "good" Eurovision Song is supposed to be a piece of colourful kitsch theatre; they have this QUAINT notion that it ought to be a GOOD SONG! Honestly, they even send their proper pop stars and everything! Give them a few years to settle down and they will soon realise that they are JUST NOT BEING TRASHY ENOUGH!
Personally, I thought that the FRENCH were the best, mainly because they were very PINK and ran around the stage like that bit from the Rocky Horror Show… this got me some VERY funny looks from my daddies. Which I think is a BIT RICH!
THEY wanted one of the Kate Bush-a-likes to win: SCARY EXPLODING WITCH Kate from Finland; ILLUMINATED OPERA Kate from Slovenia; TECHNO TRANCE Kate from Georgia; or BONKERS BONGO Kate from Bulgaria. And her drums.
Fortunately, we were able to resist the black-and-white HYPNO-SPIRAL of the Swedish Marc Bolan!
More seriously, ANYONE who thinks that it is important how the WINNER is decided has really missed the ENTIRE POINT. Complaining that we came LAST (nearly) is like complaining that silly old Labrador, Mr Alan Davies always comes last on Q.I. Or that Jimmy-Summerville lookie-likey Mr Hislop never wins at "Have I Got News for You".
Eurovision more than any other contest ever is about the taking part!
It is not like there are PRIZES! In fact, the winner is usually PUNISHED by having to HOST the following year's contest!
(Hence Ireland's entry this year being – almost LITERALLY – "My Lovely Horse"!)
Eurovision is about bringing people together, and BOY did this bring them together!
And isn't it better that people are singing songs to each other when only a decade ago they were trying to explode one another all the time?
So it's fine that Greece and Cyprus have an annual love-in; we should not mind that the Baltic states send an annual tribute to Russia; and it's really not a problem that the only way to get any votes from Scandinavia is to be a close neighbour of Father Christmas!
What other show FROM Europe and ABOUT Europe gets so many people IN Europe ACTUALLY watching?
And Malta gave us doozze pwon so we didn't come last anyway!
"Pif paf pof, my heart goes pif paf pof!"
Those were the TEAR-JERKING words of the Eurovision entry that never was from the Camp Cabin Crew of Air Scotia, aka "The High Life".
And yet how strangely SIMILAR was the dirgeful ditty that we really did enter this year.
Is it JUST POSSIBLE that singing "We're flying the flag all over the world" with a GREAT BIG Union Flag flapping behind you, at a time when we are still flying the flag all over that Middle Eastern country that we invaded, MAY have been taken the WRONG WAY?
Still we should take cheer from this year's winner; proof if you need it that you can still go from MOST REVILED NATION ON EARTH to EUROVISION SUCCESS!
There do, however, seem to have been a few complaints that there was some GEOGRAPHICAL bias to the way that nations cast their votes.
And now, I am sorry to say, numb nut Liberal Democrat MP Richard Down-with-the-Youngsters Ross is calling for the voting system to be changed.
Yes I know we're ALWAYS calling for the voting system to be changed, but HONESTLY it is normally to get more power INTO the hands of ordinary people, NOT to take it AWAY from them because they would rather vote for their neighbours than a frankly dreadful caterwaul from the far end of the continent!
But you know what: actually it's OK that the East Europeans all voted for each other.
They've only been doing this for a few years now; they do not yet understand that a "good" Eurovision Song is supposed to be a piece of colourful kitsch theatre; they have this QUAINT notion that it ought to be a GOOD SONG! Honestly, they even send their proper pop stars and everything! Give them a few years to settle down and they will soon realise that they are JUST NOT BEING TRASHY ENOUGH!
Personally, I thought that the FRENCH were the best, mainly because they were very PINK and ran around the stage like that bit from the Rocky Horror Show… this got me some VERY funny looks from my daddies. Which I think is a BIT RICH!
THEY wanted one of the Kate Bush-a-likes to win: SCARY EXPLODING WITCH Kate from Finland; ILLUMINATED OPERA Kate from Slovenia; TECHNO TRANCE Kate from Georgia; or BONKERS BONGO Kate from Bulgaria. And her drums.
Fortunately, we were able to resist the black-and-white HYPNO-SPIRAL of the Swedish Marc Bolan!
More seriously, ANYONE who thinks that it is important how the WINNER is decided has really missed the ENTIRE POINT. Complaining that we came LAST (nearly) is like complaining that silly old Labrador, Mr Alan Davies always comes last on Q.I. Or that Jimmy-Summerville lookie-likey Mr Hislop never wins at "Have I Got News for You".
Eurovision more than any other contest ever is about the taking part!
It is not like there are PRIZES! In fact, the winner is usually PUNISHED by having to HOST the following year's contest!
(Hence Ireland's entry this year being – almost LITERALLY – "My Lovely Horse"!)
Eurovision is about bringing people together, and BOY did this bring them together!
And isn't it better that people are singing songs to each other when only a decade ago they were trying to explode one another all the time?
So it's fine that Greece and Cyprus have an annual love-in; we should not mind that the Baltic states send an annual tribute to Russia; and it's really not a problem that the only way to get any votes from Scandinavia is to be a close neighbour of Father Christmas!
What other show FROM Europe and ABOUT Europe gets so many people IN Europe ACTUALLY watching?
And Malta gave us doozze pwon so we didn't come last anyway!
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Day 2323: DOCTOR WHO: Made of Steel
Saturday:
Ooh, it is no good trying to put my daddies off for a week, no matter how brilliant your trailer is!
Fortunately, they are able to call on the GRAND-DADDY of all Doctor Who writers, Mr Terrance Discs, who has written a Quick Read book. This is cool, and I have read it because I am very grown up and can read!
But now I am VERY CROSS! Those wicked Cybermen have… have… have… well I splutter with fluffy fury at the location of their secret base! It is worse than Mr Simon’s book!
Just for once, Daddy Alex has beaten Daddy Richard to the punch on this one, and here is what he thought:
Ha ha! That surprised you, didn't it!
This is my CONDENSED version. I am MUCH better at CONDENSING than that Pink Dog – I have realised that the minimum possible number of words to do Daddy Alex justice is EXACTLY THE SAME NUMBER OF WORDS AS HE USED!
Here is what Daddy Richard thought, too:
Ooh, it is no good trying to put my daddies off for a week, no matter how brilliant your trailer is!
Fortunately, they are able to call on the GRAND-DADDY of all Doctor Who writers, Mr Terrance Discs, who has written a Quick Read book. This is cool, and I have read it because I am very grown up and can read!
But now I am VERY CROSS! Those wicked Cybermen have… have… have… well I splutter with fluffy fury at the location of their secret base! It is worse than Mr Simon’s book!
Just for once, Daddy Alex has beaten Daddy Richard to the punch on this one, and here is what he thought:
At last, a new series book by Terrance Dicks, and you know what? It really works. I thought "Only Human" and "The Stealers of Dreams" from the new BBC Books were very good, too, but this book has one huge advantage: it isn’t huge. From the £1.99 Quick Reads series like last year’s rather good "I Am a Dalek", aimed at getting people reading who usually don’t, this reads as if it was effortless to write. After reading so many other people trying to pull off the same sort of thing, it patently isn’t! Now, I like my Who novels long and deep, or short and crisp, and Terrance doesn’t do ‘deep’. Straightforward, undemanding and entertaining, at 99 pages instead of 250 this is the perfect length to capture the feel of a TV episode, while the others are too long for what they’re trying to do but too unambitious to deliver anything ‘bigger’ and just plod on.
I’m hoping Richard will come along with a full-length review, as he’s done with a lot of the new novels – so I won’t nick his brilliant observations about the title or why the Cybermen bicker – but here’s a whistle-stop tour. The Doctor brings Martha back to her own place and time, only to find survivors of Cybermen from the battle of Canary Wharf in last year’s TV season finale "Doomsday". Guess the London landmark where they’re hiding out (I hooted)?
Much of it recalls old Doctor Who as much as new, but there are simple but elegant lampoons of both versions of the series, as well as amusing dismissals of "Primeval" and "Torchwood" (while the whole thing shows up "Cyberwoman" terribly. But then, so do most things). It’s not a great part for Martha, though she’s good when she’s in it and her history with the Cybermen adds to the story, but Terrance surprised me by absolutely nailing David Tennant’s speech and persona as the Doctor. The way he deals with a bullying military policeman had me punching the air, though describing them as “gorillas” is back to Terrance’s ’70s novels, along with the stock ‘ambitious woman’ characterisation. On the whole, though, it’s enormously refreshing, perhaps the most entertaining Who novel Terrance has written for about a decade and a half, and certainly the best of the new series novels so far. With the new series moving along at a hell of a lick on TV, perhaps the novels all need the discipline – hark at me! – of being much shorter.
One of my biggest disappointments with Doctor Who publishing last year, incidentally, was that – unlike the 2005 series – there was no script book. I like televised Who stories on my bookshelf, as well as on the telly. If they’re not publishing the scripts any more, they could hardly do better than get Terrance to briskly novelise them. After all, it’s worked before.
Ha ha! That surprised you, didn't it!
This is my CONDENSED version. I am MUCH better at CONDENSING than that Pink Dog – I have realised that the minimum possible number of words to do Daddy Alex justice is EXACTLY THE SAME NUMBER OF WORDS AS HE USED!
Here is what Daddy Richard thought, too:
A "Cyberwoman" is of course "Maid of Steel", but I don't think we need to dwell on that, other than briefly mentioning that Uncle Tel clears up the lingering snag about Cyber-Lisa not being dragged into the void with the rest of the Cybermen: the ones being "emergency upgraded" in Torchwood Tower were being made using local materials and so were not affected by the void.
(Logically, this means there's a Cyber-Yvonne Hartman around somewhere too, ready to act as a metal avenger, oh the spin off opportunities are endless…)
And, of course, locals upgraded to Lumic-form Cybermen are the villains here. No chance of bringing back our own Universe's Cybermen it would seem, at least not until the next redesign anyway.
Though for Cybermen they all appear to have rather more personality than usual; they seem almost chatty at times, argumentative even, as the Cyber-Engineer and the Cyber-Leader berate each other for their various "logical" failings. It would seem that – like Yvonne and Lisa – these emergency upgrades have some of their human personality still leaking through. Of course, given their ultra-competitive exchanges, their dissing of each other's attempts to complete the task set and the fact that Torchwood Tower is seen in the title sequence of another famous current TV show, it is clear that the Cybermen have actually converted Sir Alan Sugar's candidates to be the next Apprentice.
All this interaction actually makes this group a hell of a lot more interesting than the Cybermen have been in quite some time, certainly since their black and white heyday and maybe even since the "Tenth Planet". Usually they are used as stock monsters, faceless menaces who are, most importantly, all identical. At least until David Banks arrives in the eighties to give one of them a voice and sort of personality:
Tegan: "That's sadistic!"
Cyberleader: "No, sarcastic!"
Okay, maybe he's not quite that blatant about it. But the fact that he gets killed each time and still comes back suggests that all the Cyberleaders have the same personality. The new series goes even further, suggesting that the Cyberleader just downloads into the next available body.
All of which seems to miss the point of the original Cybermen which is that they were trying to be immortal and ended up as living dead. True, they operated on themselves to get rid of emotions, but they should still be different people. The idea that only our emotions make us different is profoundly depressing.
The Cybermen almost from The Moonbase onwards are actually much more like modern day Cylons – a limited number of personalities with a limitless army of basically robotic bodies. Usually with one key weakness that allows the Doctor to beat them this week.
They ought to be tortured Vampires, paying a horrible price for life eternal, but instead they are just another army of Zombies.
Terrance Dicks, of course, has long found the Cybermen to be deeply dull. They never appeared in the TV show when he was Script Editor (one blob in a snowstorm aside), though a face-off against the Daleks was proposed only to be nixed by Terry Nation – good thing too; sounds like a daft idea. Ahem. Uncle Tel's commentary for the Region 1 release of the Five Doctors is definitely worth a listen to anyway, but does include him expounding at length how he wished that his latter-day successor as Script Editor, Eric Saward, hadn't kept insisting on putting in more and more Cybermen.
So on the whole it's quite nice to encounter some Cybermen with differing agenda, and conflicting ideas about the logical way to fulfil their plan.
The story – the format makes it necessarily short, but it feels as full and fleshed out as a new series episode – revolves around a very small group of survivors from the War on Earth in "Doomsday". Clearly only intended to be low level grunts, they have escaped from Torchwood and set up base in, as Millennium implies, the Greenwich Big Tent. They've got hold of a short-range teleport from somewhere too (I blame the Torchwood lost property office) and are using it to steal random bits of technology.
The opening chapters of a sinister metallic form breaking into top secret establishments or classified research projects should be pleasingly familiar to, well, anyone who buys next month's DVD release of Tom Baker's first story: "Robot".
The Doctor and Martha arrive in the present day – just post a quick trip to the Upper Cretaceous… or possibly the Jurassic, since Terrance seems to have slightly not realised that apatosaurus and tyrannosaurus were separated by some 75 million years. Oh dear. Maybe it isn't the distant past but a dinosaur theme park. More on this story later – to allow Martha to return to the Royal Hope Hospital, and immediately the Cybermen detect the Doctor and move to seize him.
As this is her first trip back, we can probably assume that this is not long after "The Lazarus Experiment": Terrance refers to her "just one trip", saying it "somehow turned into many", but seems more likely that she's joined the TARDIS crew properly as the Doctor is not making excuses for not having returned her home yet.
Timing for the rest of the world remains as messed up as ever, with repeated references to the "recent" events of "Doomsday". This cannot take place before "Smith and Jones" (or by extension "The Lazarus Experiment" which takes place the following night) since Martha's work colleagues remember seeing the Doctor, and think she might have gone off with the "mystery man" in the trainers and suit.
So if we stick to the earlier guess that "Smith and Jones" takes place in late summer/early autumn 2007, then we can settle on this being about say October this year.
The question of why the Cybermen do not detect the Doctor’s presence in either "Smith and Jones" or "The Lazarus Experiment" can easily be explained by their only recently having completed their scanner.
The writing style is crisp and sharp, economical, the very shortness of the chapters having a chocolate box “just one more” feel that keeps the pages turning. And the style is refreshingly simple, with a seven-year-old pleasing body count, but also a biting hint of satire whether it’s the night watchman who doesn’t patrol the computer shop because technology should make things easier or someone finally finding a use for the Dome.
Most of the incidental characters do turn out to be from the “Terrance Dicks big book of stock characters” but as Alex remarks, he really does nail David Tennant’s Doctor, in a way that many of the other writers for BBC Books just don’t. And similarly, Terrance has grasped the idea of pace that the new series embodies in a way that the longer and more languid books haven’t managed.
The conclusion is nicely symmetrical too, harking back to that James Bond pre-title sequence adventure in Jurassic Park. Alex thinks this is a reference to Primeval, but I can only imagine the preposterous play-dough monster from “Invasion of the Dinosaurs” attacking the new series Cybermen. Which is very funny.
The only real disappointment – what with every other cliché under the sun present and correct – was the failure to have the stock twist ending reveal of another casket containing one last Cyberman that just twitches into motion…
Not just a “Quick Read” then, but also a cracking one. Recommended.
Next time… It may be the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything, but this looks more like a straightforward Jack Bauer backwards than Douglas Adams. Sabotage, mortal peril and a race against time: the clock is ticking down from "42".
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Day 2322: Lord Blairimort in Paradise
Friday:
Specifically: Paradise, Texas. What BETTER place to launch his…
Just how quickly CAN the Americans change their Constitution to let non-natural-born Americans stand for the HIGHEST OFFICE? Because let's face the facts, the ONLY chance the Replutocats have of winning the next presidential election is: CLINTON versus BLAIRIMORT!
No, never mind that; for the next SEVEN WEEKS Lord Blairimort still has his slippery fingers on the ROYAL PREROGATIVE and the POWER TO MAKE TREATIES! One quick FLOURISH of the pen and the site of the former Queen Mary Maternity Home in Edinburgh is ceded in perpetuity to the United States of America; Lord Blairimort is de facto born in the USA!
Because the fact is that Lord Blairimort remains in the Americans' all-time TOP THREE favourite British People. And the other two (Princess Diana and Gandalf) are FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!
They think he is one of the best and most popular people in the World. Using the word World in the American sense, as in "World Series", i.e. meaning America.
And after spending the last eight years doing the bidding of the most POWERFUL man on Earth – Darth Cheney – why stop now, just when he's loving it? As an added bonus, being Lord President Blairimort he would still get to give orders to Mr Frown!
Before that, though, Lord Blairimort will take to the skies – running up a final tally of Blair Miles – for a whistle-stop final farewell world tour.
First he's off to France to meet the new French President, Monsieur Sarcastic, and then next week he's taking a trip to Washington D.C. to see the Monkey-in-Chief. Perhaps he'll find the time finally to pick up that Congressional Medal of Honour that he got awarded, for being such a CHUM about Iraq. Congress may be a bit less chuffed about giving it to him these days, of course.
After that there's a visit to South Africa, and any other African nations that will have him where he'll be laying the groundwork for hislucrative Halliburton contracts Foundation for World Peace and Prayer™. No doubt they'll remind them about all those promises he made at Gleneagles.
Then he'll be off to Germany for the G8 summit, where he'll no doubt be able to remind them to keep quiet about all those promises he made at Gleneagles.
And finally to Brussels where he'll be attending the European Summit just days before Mr Frown takes over and has to deal with all the fall out from whatever crazy agreements Lord B makes.
Lord Blairimort has always loved the JET SET lifestyle. And averaging an altitude of ten thousand metres above sea level for two months will ensure that he at least leaves on a LITERAL if not metaphorical "high".
Anyway, now thatall the "Stop Gordon" candidates he tried to set up have fallen by the wayside it is time to graciously hand over as he always promised he would, he finally found it in himself to endorse his successor, Mr Frown!
"He'll be FINE," said Lord Blairimort. "FINE! Don't make an issue of it!"
Mr Frown has of course launched his own campaign to grind all opposition into the ground, beginning with a pledge to be HUMBLE.
I have looked up the word "humble" and it does not APPEAR to say: "SULKING until I get the ABSOLUTE power that is MINE BY RIGHT!"
"I have never believed presentation should be a substitute for policy," says Mr Frown. "I do not believe politics is about celebrity."
Who could he POSSIBLY be referring to?
Obviously, the REAL message here is "I am not HIM!"
But we've heard all of these warm fuzzy listen to the people promises before. And they are JUST LIKE "HIM!" Actions would speak louder than words.
There are three very obvious ways that Mr Frown could draw a line under the Blairimort Years and start if not quite FRESH at least a bit less niffy than RANCID.
Number One: pull out of Iraq. You KNOW you're going to have to sooner or later anyway, when the Americans leave. Doing it straight away makes you look decisive, distances you from the Monkey-in-Chief and might start the healing process in this country.
Number Two: declare independence of the NHS. It's a bonkers policy, and fundamentally meaningless (since the Treasury will still decide on who gets what money) but it will remind everyone of your one HUGE success, independence of the Bank of England and will shoot the Conservatories' latest fox – they can hardly beat you over the head with "interfering in the NHS" if you've just sworn off doing exactly that. Plus, anything they say about it you can call THEM for PLAYING POLITICS.
Number Three: as tipped by the Liberal Review, give the country FAIR VOTES. If you don't think you can win the next election ANYWAY – and believe me, Mr Frown, you can't from this point – then at least you can make sure Mr Balloon can never win either. Why Mr Frown, how comfortable you look in that MANGER.
Mr Frown is certainly likely to pull SOMETHING out of his, er, hat. It is his STYLE – remember the 2p "tax cut that wasn't a tax cut" from the budget?
Meanwhile, the race to replace the Minister for Magical Accidents is HOTTING UP! Soon it will reach TEPID!
Clementine coloured carpetbagger Mr Peter Vain has published a list of his backers including Mr Richard Wilson who is the Labour Chief Whip… hang on, that is in a PLAY; he's not a REAL MP! What a terracotta tinted twit you are, Mr Vain!
Never mind, I am sure that THESE people will still let you scrabble onto the ballot.
Not to be out done, Ms Harriet Harpy (Flydale North) has published her own list of supporters.
If you want some fun, you can try to see if there is anyone on BOTH lists! (I have not spotted anyone.)
What would be more fun is if instead of an election, they had to play TOP TRUMPS with their supporters!
Mr Vain plays "Mr Nick Palmer – spinning like topsie on Political Betting dot Com, Leadership Stooge: 8"
But Ms Harpy TRUMPS HIM with "Evil Ian Wright – betraying my constituents and closing the local hospital, Leadership Stooge: 10"
(Mr Vain would have been better playing "Mr Bob Marshall-Andrews – decrying the leadership, Dynamic Charisma: 7" against Ms Harpy's Mr Buff Hoon, or Ms Patricia Blewit!)
The ACTUAL rules will be decided by the Party Chairperson… and I do still think it is a bit IFFY that that headless chicken impersonator Ms Bleary is one of the candidates and has still not resigned as the Party Chairperson and organiser of the contest!
Mind you, everyone seems to think that the winner is going to be Mr Hillary Benn, or to give him his proper name Mr Benny Hill. He is famous for being the son of another famous man, Mr Benny Over-the-Hill.
Of course, under the Labour's rules, you need to be endorsed by 12.5% of their MPs in order to stand, so you can always have at least SEVEN candidates without anyone having to double up. So far there are only SIX.
Wouldn't it be fun to get some of the remaining MPs to nominate Lord Blairimort as Deputy Leader… just to see Mr Frown's face!
Specifically: Paradise, Texas. What BETTER place to launch his…
Just how quickly CAN the Americans change their Constitution to let non-natural-born Americans stand for the HIGHEST OFFICE? Because let's face the facts, the ONLY chance the Replutocats have of winning the next presidential election is: CLINTON versus BLAIRIMORT!
No, never mind that; for the next SEVEN WEEKS Lord Blairimort still has his slippery fingers on the ROYAL PREROGATIVE and the POWER TO MAKE TREATIES! One quick FLOURISH of the pen and the site of the former Queen Mary Maternity Home in Edinburgh is ceded in perpetuity to the United States of America; Lord Blairimort is de facto born in the USA!
Because the fact is that Lord Blairimort remains in the Americans' all-time TOP THREE favourite British People. And the other two (Princess Diana and Gandalf) are FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!
They think he is one of the best and most popular people in the World. Using the word World in the American sense, as in "World Series", i.e. meaning America.
And after spending the last eight years doing the bidding of the most POWERFUL man on Earth – Darth Cheney – why stop now, just when he's loving it? As an added bonus, being Lord President Blairimort he would still get to give orders to Mr Frown!
Before that, though, Lord Blairimort will take to the skies – running up a final tally of Blair Miles – for a whistle-stop final farewell world tour.
First he's off to France to meet the new French President, Monsieur Sarcastic, and then next week he's taking a trip to Washington D.C. to see the Monkey-in-Chief. Perhaps he'll find the time finally to pick up that Congressional Medal of Honour that he got awarded, for being such a CHUM about Iraq. Congress may be a bit less chuffed about giving it to him these days, of course.
After that there's a visit to South Africa, and any other African nations that will have him where he'll be laying the groundwork for his
Then he'll be off to Germany for the G8 summit, where he'll no doubt be able to remind them to keep quiet about all those promises he made at Gleneagles.
And finally to Brussels where he'll be attending the European Summit just days before Mr Frown takes over and has to deal with all the fall out from whatever crazy agreements Lord B makes.
Lord Blairimort has always loved the JET SET lifestyle. And averaging an altitude of ten thousand metres above sea level for two months will ensure that he at least leaves on a LITERAL if not metaphorical "high".
Anyway, now that
"He'll be FINE," said Lord Blairimort. "FINE! Don't make an issue of it!"
Mr Frown has of course launched his own campaign to grind all opposition into the ground, beginning with a pledge to be HUMBLE.
I have looked up the word "humble" and it does not APPEAR to say: "SULKING until I get the ABSOLUTE power that is MINE BY RIGHT!"
"I have never believed presentation should be a substitute for policy," says Mr Frown. "I do not believe politics is about celebrity."
Who could he POSSIBLY be referring to?
Obviously, the REAL message here is "I am not HIM!"
But we've heard all of these warm fuzzy listen to the people promises before. And they are JUST LIKE "HIM!" Actions would speak louder than words.
There are three very obvious ways that Mr Frown could draw a line under the Blairimort Years and start if not quite FRESH at least a bit less niffy than RANCID.
Number One: pull out of Iraq. You KNOW you're going to have to sooner or later anyway, when the Americans leave. Doing it straight away makes you look decisive, distances you from the Monkey-in-Chief and might start the healing process in this country.
Number Two: declare independence of the NHS. It's a bonkers policy, and fundamentally meaningless (since the Treasury will still decide on who gets what money) but it will remind everyone of your one HUGE success, independence of the Bank of England and will shoot the Conservatories' latest fox – they can hardly beat you over the head with "interfering in the NHS" if you've just sworn off doing exactly that. Plus, anything they say about it you can call THEM for PLAYING POLITICS.
Number Three: as tipped by the Liberal Review, give the country FAIR VOTES. If you don't think you can win the next election ANYWAY – and believe me, Mr Frown, you can't from this point – then at least you can make sure Mr Balloon can never win either. Why Mr Frown, how comfortable you look in that MANGER.
Mr Frown is certainly likely to pull SOMETHING out of his, er, hat. It is his STYLE – remember the 2p "tax cut that wasn't a tax cut" from the budget?
Meanwhile, the race to replace the Minister for Magical Accidents is HOTTING UP! Soon it will reach TEPID!
Clementine coloured carpetbagger Mr Peter Vain has published a list of his backers including Mr Richard Wilson who is the Labour Chief Whip… hang on, that is in a PLAY; he's not a REAL MP! What a terracotta tinted twit you are, Mr Vain!
Never mind, I am sure that THESE people will still let you scrabble onto the ballot.
Not to be out done, Ms Harriet Harpy (Flydale North) has published her own list of supporters.
If you want some fun, you can try to see if there is anyone on BOTH lists! (I have not spotted anyone.)
What would be more fun is if instead of an election, they had to play TOP TRUMPS with their supporters!
Mr Vain plays "Mr Nick Palmer – spinning like topsie on Political Betting dot Com, Leadership Stooge: 8"
But Ms Harpy TRUMPS HIM with "Evil Ian Wright – betraying my constituents and closing the local hospital, Leadership Stooge: 10"
(Mr Vain would have been better playing "Mr Bob Marshall-Andrews – decrying the leadership, Dynamic Charisma: 7" against Ms Harpy's Mr Buff Hoon, or Ms Patricia Blewit!)
The ACTUAL rules will be decided by the Party Chairperson… and I do still think it is a bit IFFY that that headless chicken impersonator Ms Bleary is one of the candidates and has still not resigned as the Party Chairperson and organiser of the contest!
Mind you, everyone seems to think that the winner is going to be Mr Hillary Benn, or to give him his proper name Mr Benny Hill. He is famous for being the son of another famous man, Mr Benny Over-the-Hill.
Of course, under the Labour's rules, you need to be endorsed by 12.5% of their MPs in order to stand, so you can always have at least SEVEN candidates without anyone having to double up. So far there are only SIX.
Wouldn't it be fun to get some of the remaining MPs to nominate Lord Blairimort as Deputy Leader… just to see Mr Frown's face!
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Day 2321: Blairimort est Mort
Thursday:
Economic stability: Interest Rates UP AGAIN, another quarter percent to 5.5%!
Education, Education, Education: Heads warn of EXAM MELTDOWN!
24 hours to save the NHS: UK access to cancer treatments among WORST IN WORLD!
Green future: government CUTS GRANTS for home renewable energy schemes!
Africa, a scar on the conscience of the World: just forget about the WAR, OPPRESSION and DEATH that continues in Darfur, Somalia, Zimbabwe, Uganda etc, etc, etc…
Respect agenda: More ANTI-SOCIAL MADNESS as a family are banned from LANCASHIRE!
Freedom of Information: Pair JAILED for trying to reveal TRUTH of Lord Blairimort's schemes with the Monkey-in-Chief!
Constitutional Reform: Next Prime Monster to be elected by NOBODY!
LIBERAL DEMOCRATS RESPOND: WE CALL ON THE LABOUR TO KEEP THEIR PROMISE AND MAKE THIS THE END OF LORD BLAIRIMORT'S FULL THIRD TERM!
Part Three – Bury Bad News
Security at home: I.D.iot cards cost UP over HALF A BILLION to FIVE BILLION QUID!Economic stability: Interest Rates UP AGAIN, another quarter percent to 5.5%!
Education, Education, Education: Heads warn of EXAM MELTDOWN!
24 hours to save the NHS: UK access to cancer treatments among WORST IN WORLD!
Green future: government CUTS GRANTS for home renewable energy schemes!
Africa, a scar on the conscience of the World: just forget about the WAR, OPPRESSION and DEATH that continues in Darfur, Somalia, Zimbabwe, Uganda etc, etc, etc…
Respect agenda: More ANTI-SOCIAL MADNESS as a family are banned from LANCASHIRE!
Freedom of Information: Pair JAILED for trying to reveal TRUTH of Lord Blairimort's schemes with the Monkey-in-Chief!
Constitutional Reform: Next Prime Monster to be elected by NOBODY!
LIBERAL DEMOCRATS RESPOND: WE CALL ON THE LABOUR TO KEEP THEIR PROMISE AND MAKE THIS THE END OF LORD BLAIRIMORT'S FULL THIRD TERM!
Day 2320: Blairimort est Mort
Wednesday:
It is possible that the uncharitable reader might think that this is SATIRE!
Part Two – A Star Dies!
A huge star has exploded into nothingness, polluting the surrounding environment with fallout and casting destruction on all around it.It is possible that the uncharitable reader might think that this is SATIRE!
Day 2319: Blairimort est Mort
Tuesday:
Part One – Remind Everyone about the Legacy
This one.
NOT this one.
"Accept one thing, hand on heart, I did what I thought was right."
Accept one thing, fluffy foot on fluffy middle: did you EVER bother to CHECK?
Everyone, SING-A-LONG-A-DADDY! "Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead…"
PS
A note to the people who REALLY matter – I have only written a small diary today, because I cannot write the things that I should write and should like to write, but I am still thinking about you, and so are my Daddies.Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Day 2318: Seven Blokes
Monday:
Two of whom are bloke-esses and one of who is either a computer or a starship depending on your point of view.
Daddy has already written about the EXCITING new series of audio adventures for BLAKE'S SEVEN, brought to you by the Sci Fi channel, but since they are relying on word of mouth, I thought that I should give them a plug too!
As Daddy has explained, Blake's Seven is Robbing Hoodie in SPACE. Mr Blake is Robin and his crew are the Outlaws; against them is Ms Servalan who is the Sheriff of Nottingham (until she promotes herself to Bad King John) and her Guy de Gisburne is Space Commander Travis.
The creator of "Babylon 5", Mr J Michael Caboose, has often said that his "novel for television" was at least partly inspired by Terry Nation's Blake's Seven. The idea of an ongoing saga that did NOT hit the reset button at the end of every episode intrigued him, and made him realise that DEVELOPMENT was the thing that was lacking from drama on the box.
There is something a bit IRONIC here, because what Mr Terry Nation ACTUALLY wrote were three short mini-serials. The first is "How Blake Got Started" and consists of the episodes "The Way Back", "Space Fall" and "Cygnus Alpha"; second is "Blake versus Travis" made up of "Seek, Locate, Destroy", "Duel" and "Project Avalon"; and finally "Orac" which obviously contains "Deliverance" and "Orac" and sort of "Redemption", though that's obviously written later to try and get them out of the mess that the first two leave them in.
In between are a number of the standard "reset button" type episodes, and essentially each of these mini-series also finishes with everything back in order.
It is only in the second season, which is much more noticeably under the writing direction of script editor and professional grump Mr Chris Boucher – who NEVER GETS ENOUGH CREDIT FOR THIS! – the idea of an ongoing story begins to develop. In the episode "Pressure Point" Mr Blake persuades the crew to make an attack on Earth itself, finally fulfilling his promise made in "The Way Back". His intention is to destroy Federation Control and with one blow cripple the baddies. Except it turns out to be a trap and it costs the life of one of the crew.
Actually getting someone killed is a BIG THING in a television series because it means there has to be a definite ORDER to the episodes. The REASON for the reset switch is so that television stations can show episodes in any order they come out of the tin. But if someone gets KILLED halfway through the second season, then there is definitely a before and after, and you can't show episodes from before after or that person comes back to life!
Except this isn't really so very hard a concept to get your fluffy head around, and SOAP OPERAS have featured developing storylines for AGES, particularly the eighties super-soaps of Dallas and Dynasty. (Although Mr Bobby DID actually come back from the dead!)
Well, killing a member of the crew is SUCH a big thing that it actually makes the next story, "Trial", into "part two" of a two-parter, because it deals with the repercussions and would not make sense anywhere OTHER than immediately after "Pressure Point".
Subsequent episodes "Countdown", "Gambit", "The Keeper" and "Star One" then form a DEVELOPING story as Mr Blake and his crew search for the REAL control centre of the Federation, a secret base called STAR ONE. Obviously, they find it in the last episode of the season, only to discover that it has been overrun bythe Daleks completely unknown aliens, who are about to invade the galaxy!
In the third season, Mr Blake and Ms Jenna both DISAPPEAR! (Because the actors have better things to do than play SPACE all the time!) This leads to another huge development, which sees former number two Mr Avon come to the fore as leader, and introduces new characters.
(And IRONICALLY the vicissitudes of fortune would similarly afflict Mr Joe with his "Babylon Project" as actors comes and go over his five years – losing people actually STRENGTHENING the sense of a real ongoing story. One of Star Trek's PERENNIAL problems being: "why does no one ever get promoted off the Enterprise?")
The OTHER irony is that the third season is actually the one with FEWEST inter-connected stories. Thematically, there are a few episodes where Ms Servalan is after powerful allies or artefacts with which to rebuild the Federation, but the sense of the Federation as a renewed and growing threat won't really appear until the following year. Only the first two episodes (setting up the new Liberator crew) and the last one (looking for Mr Blake) can DEFINITELY be said to be VITAL parts of the "overall" story of the show.
In contrast, the fourth and final season is almost ONE LONG STORY. Having managed to get their super spaceship the Liberator BLOWN TO BITS at the end of the third year, Mr Avon spends a lot of his time trying to build a new one, while at the same time Ms Servalan is trying to get herself UN-DEPOSED as ruler of the Federation, and then Mr Avon is trying to find a way that he can form an alliance to defeat her. All of which gets cocked up so he goes off looking for Mr Blake again and so everyone gets SHOT!
So you see, almost by ACCIDENT, Blake's Seven managed to tell a HUGE STORY with a great SWEEP of HISTORY, starting with Blake's little rebellion against a Federation that ends up being smashed by an intergalactic war anyway and then put back together again. Funnily enough, the War is actually caused because Mr Blake and Ms Servalan between them HUMILIATE Space Commander Travis. And the resistance to the rebuilding Federation fails mainly because the only people who could stop it can't stop their inter-personal problems getting in the way.
(And again, compare this plot with "Babylon 5"!)
Though to be fair to Mr Joe, he at least had an idea of where in HIS sweep of history he was supposed to be when writing any particular one of his episodes. Blake's Seven tends to hit the mark more by luck than judgement. Meaning you might get a "Terminal", the stupendous climax to season three, or you might get a "Redemption", the frankly LIMP resolution of the "Orac" story revealing the secret origin of the Liberator to be, er, some girls in blue leotards!
And often when it loses the plot it is because it's stopped trying to remember what's going on in the rest of the galaxy. So you end up with something like the DEEPLY EMBARRASSING "Voice from the Past" when everyone forgets that Travis isn't working for Ms Servalan any more, or the SEXIST DRIVEL of "Harvest of Kairos" which would clearly rather be set in a pre-War Federation and has NO IDEA what Ms Servalan's personality (or indeed RANK!) is supposed to be!
The format for these new audio adventures may turn out to be a strength here. By writing three stories and breaking them into five-minute "chapters" they may have recaptured Mr Terry Nation's original series of serials form. This gives them a chance to have three separate stories that feel longer in themselves without having to "progress" the overall story too much. And indeed it would be a surprise if stories two and three actually DID advance too far. The danger, of course, is that they don't advance at all – but (touch Daddy Richard's head for luck) it seems possible that they do have plans to avoid that. By keeping back the introduction of psychic alien Cally, they have shown that they have a longer term plan, one that will probably involve one of their current "seven" having to, er, make room.
To do Blake's Seven PROPERLY, though, to do justice to the original, you can't just rely on another HAPPY ACCIDENT. You need to think how the big picture is going to develop. Are you going to introduce Orac? Can you make the origin of the Liberator more interesting and more relevant to the rest of the plot? (You can hardly make it LESS so!) Will you play out Ms Servalan's grab for power in the same way? Will there be a War? Will you get rid of Blake at some point? Or separate him from the Liberator and play out following his story sometimes instead of theirs? Will you kill them all off in the end?
Because the thing that made Blake's Seven UNFORGETTABLE was that it WASN'T open ended – it had a beginning, a middle and very definitely an end. Just because they didn't PLAN it that way, doesn't mean that that isn't IMPORTANT. In fact VITAL.
So good luck to the new audio people, and don't forget: [stands over Mr Derek with a big gun] [smiles like a loon] [fades to black] Pow! Powpowpow! Powpowpow powpowpow powpowpow! [cue titles]!
Two of whom are bloke-esses and one of who is either a computer or a starship depending on your point of view.
Daddy has already written about the EXCITING new series of audio adventures for BLAKE'S SEVEN, brought to you by the Sci Fi channel, but since they are relying on word of mouth, I thought that I should give them a plug too!
As Daddy has explained, Blake's Seven is Robbing Hoodie in SPACE. Mr Blake is Robin and his crew are the Outlaws; against them is Ms Servalan who is the Sheriff of Nottingham (until she promotes herself to Bad King John) and her Guy de Gisburne is Space Commander Travis.
The creator of "Babylon 5", Mr J Michael Caboose, has often said that his "novel for television" was at least partly inspired by Terry Nation's Blake's Seven. The idea of an ongoing saga that did NOT hit the reset button at the end of every episode intrigued him, and made him realise that DEVELOPMENT was the thing that was lacking from drama on the box.
There is something a bit IRONIC here, because what Mr Terry Nation ACTUALLY wrote were three short mini-serials. The first is "How Blake Got Started" and consists of the episodes "The Way Back", "Space Fall" and "Cygnus Alpha"; second is "Blake versus Travis" made up of "Seek, Locate, Destroy", "Duel" and "Project Avalon"; and finally "Orac" which obviously contains "Deliverance" and "Orac" and sort of "Redemption", though that's obviously written later to try and get them out of the mess that the first two leave them in.
In between are a number of the standard "reset button" type episodes, and essentially each of these mini-series also finishes with everything back in order.
It is only in the second season, which is much more noticeably under the writing direction of script editor and professional grump Mr Chris Boucher – who NEVER GETS ENOUGH CREDIT FOR THIS! – the idea of an ongoing story begins to develop. In the episode "Pressure Point" Mr Blake persuades the crew to make an attack on Earth itself, finally fulfilling his promise made in "The Way Back". His intention is to destroy Federation Control and with one blow cripple the baddies. Except it turns out to be a trap and it costs the life of one of the crew.
Actually getting someone killed is a BIG THING in a television series because it means there has to be a definite ORDER to the episodes. The REASON for the reset switch is so that television stations can show episodes in any order they come out of the tin. But if someone gets KILLED halfway through the second season, then there is definitely a before and after, and you can't show episodes from before after or that person comes back to life!
Except this isn't really so very hard a concept to get your fluffy head around, and SOAP OPERAS have featured developing storylines for AGES, particularly the eighties super-soaps of Dallas and Dynasty. (Although Mr Bobby DID actually come back from the dead!)
Well, killing a member of the crew is SUCH a big thing that it actually makes the next story, "Trial", into "part two" of a two-parter, because it deals with the repercussions and would not make sense anywhere OTHER than immediately after "Pressure Point".
Subsequent episodes "Countdown", "Gambit", "The Keeper" and "Star One" then form a DEVELOPING story as Mr Blake and his crew search for the REAL control centre of the Federation, a secret base called STAR ONE. Obviously, they find it in the last episode of the season, only to discover that it has been overrun by
In the third season, Mr Blake and Ms Jenna both DISAPPEAR! (Because the actors have better things to do than play SPACE all the time!) This leads to another huge development, which sees former number two Mr Avon come to the fore as leader, and introduces new characters.
(And IRONICALLY the vicissitudes of fortune would similarly afflict Mr Joe with his "Babylon Project" as actors comes and go over his five years – losing people actually STRENGTHENING the sense of a real ongoing story. One of Star Trek's PERENNIAL problems being: "why does no one ever get promoted off the Enterprise?")
The OTHER irony is that the third season is actually the one with FEWEST inter-connected stories. Thematically, there are a few episodes where Ms Servalan is after powerful allies or artefacts with which to rebuild the Federation, but the sense of the Federation as a renewed and growing threat won't really appear until the following year. Only the first two episodes (setting up the new Liberator crew) and the last one (looking for Mr Blake) can DEFINITELY be said to be VITAL parts of the "overall" story of the show.
In contrast, the fourth and final season is almost ONE LONG STORY. Having managed to get their super spaceship the Liberator BLOWN TO BITS at the end of the third year, Mr Avon spends a lot of his time trying to build a new one, while at the same time Ms Servalan is trying to get herself UN-DEPOSED as ruler of the Federation, and then Mr Avon is trying to find a way that he can form an alliance to defeat her. All of which gets cocked up so he goes off looking for Mr Blake again and so everyone gets SHOT!
So you see, almost by ACCIDENT, Blake's Seven managed to tell a HUGE STORY with a great SWEEP of HISTORY, starting with Blake's little rebellion against a Federation that ends up being smashed by an intergalactic war anyway and then put back together again. Funnily enough, the War is actually caused because Mr Blake and Ms Servalan between them HUMILIATE Space Commander Travis. And the resistance to the rebuilding Federation fails mainly because the only people who could stop it can't stop their inter-personal problems getting in the way.
(And again, compare this plot with "Babylon 5"!)
Though to be fair to Mr Joe, he at least had an idea of where in HIS sweep of history he was supposed to be when writing any particular one of his episodes. Blake's Seven tends to hit the mark more by luck than judgement. Meaning you might get a "Terminal", the stupendous climax to season three, or you might get a "Redemption", the frankly LIMP resolution of the "Orac" story revealing the secret origin of the Liberator to be, er, some girls in blue leotards!
And often when it loses the plot it is because it's stopped trying to remember what's going on in the rest of the galaxy. So you end up with something like the DEEPLY EMBARRASSING "Voice from the Past" when everyone forgets that Travis isn't working for Ms Servalan any more, or the SEXIST DRIVEL of "Harvest of Kairos" which would clearly rather be set in a pre-War Federation and has NO IDEA what Ms Servalan's personality (or indeed RANK!) is supposed to be!
The format for these new audio adventures may turn out to be a strength here. By writing three stories and breaking them into five-minute "chapters" they may have recaptured Mr Terry Nation's original series of serials form. This gives them a chance to have three separate stories that feel longer in themselves without having to "progress" the overall story too much. And indeed it would be a surprise if stories two and three actually DID advance too far. The danger, of course, is that they don't advance at all – but (touch Daddy Richard's head for luck) it seems possible that they do have plans to avoid that. By keeping back the introduction of psychic alien Cally, they have shown that they have a longer term plan, one that will probably involve one of their current "seven" having to, er, make room.
To do Blake's Seven PROPERLY, though, to do justice to the original, you can't just rely on another HAPPY ACCIDENT. You need to think how the big picture is going to develop. Are you going to introduce Orac? Can you make the origin of the Liberator more interesting and more relevant to the rest of the plot? (You can hardly make it LESS so!) Will you play out Ms Servalan's grab for power in the same way? Will there be a War? Will you get rid of Blake at some point? Or separate him from the Liberator and play out following his story sometimes instead of theirs? Will you kill them all off in the end?
Because the thing that made Blake's Seven UNFORGETTABLE was that it WASN'T open ended – it had a beginning, a middle and very definitely an end. Just because they didn't PLAN it that way, doesn't mean that that isn't IMPORTANT. In fact VITAL.
So good luck to the new audio people, and don't forget: [stands over Mr Derek with a big gun] [smiles like a loon] [fades to black] Pow! Powpowpow! Powpowpow powpowpow powpowpow! [cue titles]!
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Day 2317: Broken Reid
Sunday:
And so Lord Blairimort's Home Secretary has decided to JUMP before he is PUSHED. He says that Mr Frown should be able to bring FRESH FACES into his cabinet, and by going he will make room for TWO of them.
The REAL reason he's quitting is, of course, last week's elections. He thinks that Mr Frown is a lost cause and, like all the other rats, he is deserting the sinking ship. Better for him to ride to the rescue later once Gordo has lost the next election. Do you expect he will be discovered with two priests?
Our VERY PRECIOUS idea of a British system of JUSTICE is badly broken today and our so-called Home Secretary is one of the people who broke it. And for what? For short term political advantage, that's what! To look STRONG, to look BUTCH.
And now he is TRANSPARENTLY manoeuvring to take advantage of the fact that Lord Blairimort has RUINED any hope Mr Frown may have had of being re-elected. WHAT a piece of work!
The idea that he could become even Leader of the Opposition (let ALONE Prime Monster) ought to be INSANELY LAUGHABLE!
For a Prime Monster to appoint a person like him – let alone a whole STRING of people like him! – to the Home Office, that Prime Monster must be COMPLETELY round the TWIST! And to prove it, Lord Blairimort has come FULL CIRCLE: they're now rumouring that Mr Man O' Straw is tipped get his old job back!
Mr Councillor Stephen asks: Wither the Home Secretary, and do you know, I rather hope he does!
Go to the RUBBISH BIN of history, Mr John Reid! Go, and DO NOT COME BACK!
And so Lord Blairimort's Home Secretary has decided to JUMP before he is PUSHED. He says that Mr Frown should be able to bring FRESH FACES into his cabinet, and by going he will make room for TWO of them.
The REAL reason he's quitting is, of course, last week's elections. He thinks that Mr Frown is a lost cause and, like all the other rats, he is deserting the sinking ship. Better for him to ride to the rescue later once Gordo has lost the next election. Do you expect he will be discovered with two priests?
Our VERY PRECIOUS idea of a British system of JUSTICE is badly broken today and our so-called Home Secretary is one of the people who broke it. And for what? For short term political advantage, that's what! To look STRONG, to look BUTCH.
And now he is TRANSPARENTLY manoeuvring to take advantage of the fact that Lord Blairimort has RUINED any hope Mr Frown may have had of being re-elected. WHAT a piece of work!
The idea that he could become even Leader of the Opposition (let ALONE Prime Monster) ought to be INSANELY LAUGHABLE!
For a Prime Monster to appoint a person like him – let alone a whole STRING of people like him! – to the Home Office, that Prime Monster must be COMPLETELY round the TWIST! And to prove it, Lord Blairimort has come FULL CIRCLE: they're now rumouring that Mr Man O' Straw is tipped get his old job back!
Mr Councillor Stephen asks: Wither the Home Secretary, and do you know, I rather hope he does!
Go to the RUBBISH BIN of history, Mr John Reid! Go, and DO NOT COME BACK!
Monday, May 07, 2007
Day 2316: DOCTOR WHO: The Lazarus Experiment
Saturday:
[R: elephant temporarily hiding under blanket – normal service will resume tomorrow; meanwhile, here is my review…]
[R: elephant temporarily hiding under blanket – normal service will resume tomorrow; meanwhile, here is my review…]
It’s difficult to know what to say beyond “that was very ‘Quatermass’ wasn’t it?”
In 1953, the BBC broadcast the first play written for television, Nigel Kneale’s in every way seminal classic, the story of a man, Victor Caroon, whose capsule returns him from space with his DNA altered so that, under alien influence, he mutates into a monster. Fleeing from the laboratory, he seeks sanctuary in Westminster Abbey where finally his human nature overcomes the alien.
The BBC recently remade this for the new millennium, staring David Tennant and Mark Gatiss… and the results were shown on Saturday night.
Of course, this is hardly without precedent – the Doctor has previously, er, homaged the Professor most extensively in his third incarnation. “Spearhead from Space” does for “Quatermass II” and “The Dæmons” for “Quatermass and the Pit” and even large chunks of “Ambassadors of Death” are from “The Quatermass Experiment” (though handily they used the space capsule and ‘something mysterious’ in space bits leaving the mutation and cathedral bits for Mr Tennant). Perhaps mindful of this legacy, writer Stephen Greenhorn slips in a reference to one of Jon Pertwee’s favourite catchphrases when the Doctor “reverses the polarity”.
(Not that mutation and body horror do not feature extensively in Doctor Who under Tom Baker once Messrs Robert Holmes and Philip “von” Hinchcliffe get their hands on it…)
Actually, though, this might be better described as the Anti-Quatermass Experiment. Instead of the tragic failure of a noble experiment to broaden human knowledge, here we see the just deserts for snatching knowledge (perhaps alien knowledge) too soon and for too selfish a reason. Where “Quatermass” is about the strength of the human spirit, “Lazarus” is about its shallowness.
Professor Richard Lazarus, as played by Mark Gatiss, is a full-on League of Gentlemen grotesque: venal, avaricious and above all greedy for eternal youth. Significantly, he demonstrates these traits even before he climbs into his blender, thus avoiding the “it made me evil” effect, one of the pitfalls of this sort of story. The monster is already inside of him: just as its hideous form comes from the unused DNA so its carnivorous egoism comes from his own personality.
Gatiss’ performance is perhaps a little too Grand Guignol – in particular when acting opposite David Tennant’s beautifully sold pity and revulsion – evidence perhaps of his own comedy DNA. His neck-popping twitches come straight from his appearance in “Spaced” where he was spoofing Agent Smith of “the Matrix”. Like Agent Smith, though, Lazarus’ coding has become corrupted to make him a devouring monster, an incarnate cancer.
This was great fun to watch, a rollicking Doctor-Who-by-the-numbers bug hunt, “Alien” for the teatime audience.
But the episode would seem very slight if it were not for two things. Firstly, the use of the “false ending” sees Lazarus apparently dead – killed by his own machine, Avengers fans – but actually rising from the dead to escape to the Cathedral climax. (That move to the cathedral is nicely foreshadowed both by the model in Lazarus’ office and by his wartime reminiscences). Doctor Who’s twenty-first century format would hardly seem to give you the time to pull that off, and the episode certainly seems surprisingly to wrap up the monster thirty-five minutes in. Although I think it probably could have done with more time: the Jekyll and Hyde nature of Lazarus’ transformation is played out too quickly.
(And incidentally, how does that work? It would seem that by absorbing Lady Thaw’s DNA or life force or something, he is able to transform back, stabilise himself somehow, perhaps like Magnus Greel from “The Talons of Weng-Chiang”. But this is in no way clear, and doing the same to the snooty party goer – yes, she was asking for it – does not seem to have any similar effect.)
But he only gets to Jekyll-and-Hyde it the once before we are into the full monster chase. For once, perhaps, we have a story that would have suited the old four twenty-five minutes better, and this is only emphasised by the way the thirty-second trailer manages to cover all the plot points of the first thirty minutes. His second transformation on the roof, which fully reveals the monster, is ideal end-of-episode cliffhanger stuff.
The second point that lifts the episode is the confrontation inside Southwark Cathedral (somehow, perhaps dimensionally transcendentally, containing the insides of Wells Cathedral) between the Doctor and the Professor. The circling camera-work draws us to this central vortex, showing us their diametrically opposite points of view. Lazarus has lived his life afraid, and devoted his life to obtaining nothing but more life; the Doctor already has long life and – remember “School Reunion” – sees it as a curse when all you can do with it is lose people. But it’s not all one-sided: Lazarus has a good riposte to the Doctor’s assertion that humanity is at its best facing death: humanity, he says, saves its best efforts for running away from death – that is why we survive. It shows that this series is at the top of its game when it can slip in a profound question about its own philosophy in the middle of a monster run-around like this.
Meanwhile, the episode also advances the season’s ongoing themes, not just the recurring ideas of DNA and humanity and also family, but of course more references to Mr Saxon, whoever he might be(!)
If family is going to be important this year, then I reflect that Martha has one thing that Rose didn’t, namely a brother. Which of course links back to the Doctor’s throwaway remark in “Smith and Jones”. Although my suspicions actually linger more over Martha’s sister, the far too able PR assistant Tish. I previously speculated, that Tish might turn out to be PA to that nice Mr Saxon. Well, I wasn’t quite right: she is actually head of PR for the Lazarus Laboratory that just happens to be a wholly owned subsidiary of whatever Mr Saxon is up to. But quite possibly she’s been installed there by someone else, since Lazarus himself does not seem familiar with her. At least until he starts to get over-familiar with her.
Just as there are dark reflections of the Doctor in Lazarus, so Tish reflects Martha – both of them seemingly looking for some romantic connection, both drawn to a scientific figure. It can’t be denied that Tish was on the brink of kissing Professor Lazarus even knowing something of his character. Powerful, dangerous and a little bit bad: I’m told that can be attractive, and it certainly sets Tish up for a possible future encounter with another shall we say dark reflection of the Doctor.
We also get to see more of Martha’s mother and her entirely justifiable suspicions of her daughter’s new best friend. Cleverly turning “Aliens of London” on its head, here the Doctor gets it wrong by getting it right, returning Martha a mere twelve hours after inviting her aboard the TARDIS. So this time out, he and her have had far too much time together compared to the length of their relationship seen from a non-time-travelling mother’s point of view. Obviously, the Doctor gets another slap.
Though, of course, there is someone else involved muddying the waters and – in best “X-Files” tradition – he’s named in the end titles as only “Mysterious Man”. (Alex’s suggestion of “Whispering Man” would be even better.)
What is it that he says to Mrs Jones? David A McIntee has suggested the very believable and not untruthful from a certain point of view:
“He killed Adiola, your niece.”
This would turn another throwaway gag from Mr Russell T into an important – and quite dark – plot point. Alex liked the idea – he said he’d been wondering whether the Doctor’s hand in the death of Martha’s “identical cousin” would come back to bite him.
It’s probably nothing so complicated as that, but you can see that it would be a quick and certain way to get Mrs Jones’ attention and set her against the Doctor.
And it turns out that he’s working for Mr Saxon.
Of course you have to ask yourself what Mr Saxon would be doing supporting and funding this experiment in rejuvenation anyway. Has he, for example, provided Professor Lazarus with the technology that he uses for his device? It would certainly be in keeping with Lazarus’ character to accept a shortcut of some alien tech to reach his goal, and, well, who else do we know who makes use of “sonic” technology?
If Mr Saxon’s connection to the Doctor is what we all think it is, then he’s got to know that this is interfering in human history. But then maybe that’s the point. After all, he’s got a man on the spot briefed to look out for the Doctor. Perhaps the Lazarus Experiment is nothing to do with turning Mark Gatiss into a fey Peter Davison, but is really just a great big piece of bait to attract the Doctor. In which case, it is Mr Saxon’s plan to use Martha’s family against him?
So in the end, it’s all very like another story too: last year’s Doctor Who and the Werewolf adventure: “Tooth and Claw”. Both stories feature an impressive CGI monster, both monsters are lycanthropic, one is created by and defeated by moonlight, the other created by and defeated by sound. Both stories feature an extensive chase sequence. And both stories are significant to the season’s developing arc.
Next time… silver suits and electronic voices take over the airwaves for a week. No, I’m not going to be interrupted for Eurovision; it’s Terrance Dicks versus the Cybermen in “Made of Steel”.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Day 2315: Scotland and Wales – Just Say NO!
Friday:
Sometimes, “No” is the hardest word.
In Scotland, the new Parliament has been chosen and… it’s a bit of a mix. But most obviously, the Labour have LOST seats and the Scottish Nasty Party has gained them – gained quite a LOT of them actually. Although it does not seem to be being reported that the Greens have actually lost MORE seats than the Labour!
If there is “no moral case” for putting the Labour into government because they have lost seats, then it is TRICKY to see the moral case for putting in the GREENS who have lost MORE seats!
Our own share of the vote held up, though because of a quirk of the almost-but-not-quite-proportional system we have still lost one seat. This is still rather disappointing – only a year or so ago we were doing really, really well and hoping to advance, but since then there has been a huge SURGE in the Nasties…
Anyway, now we have to do the difficult thing of deciding who will run Scotland for the Scottish people. And more important for us, will we join in.
The Labour have clearly lost, and a majority of people in Scotland have clearly rejected them as the government. What is more we are increasingly opposed to the Labour on a Britain-wide basis. Lord Blairimort may soon be gone but Mr Frown will hardly be a change of tune, and this may be a good time to be DISTANCING ourselves from them before they ALL disappear right down the plug hole.
I think that it would, on the whole, be better for us to say “thank you but no thank you” if they come asking for a coalition.
On the other fluffy foot, it would not be the most STABLE of governments if we went in with the Scottish Nasty Party either.
In the last parliament, we were able to form a coalition with the Labour because between us we had a majority with seats in hand.
OH, a small note for the BBC people – a “majority” means that you control more seats than all the others put together: in today’s parliament, the Scottish Nasty Party does NOT have a “majority” of one over the Labour. The word you are looking for is LEAD!
The point though is that even if we and the Nasties get together AND add in the Greens we will only have a majority of ONE. The first hint of a row, or if one MSP has a prior engagement or even if someone just steps out to the TOILET then the government falls over!
We know that we have BIGGER problems with the Nasties than with the Labour (not that there weren’t enough problems there!), and we would have great big blazing rows. Not good if your majority is WAFFER THIN!
Plus, we were part of that government that has just been rejected. We should be honest enough to put our fluffy feet up to that too.
So it might be best all around if we were to say: “okay, we aren’t going to join a coalition with EITHER of you. But we won’t deliberately undermine either of you either. If you can make a coalition with the Conservatories and the Greens – or with each other! – then we won’t FAFF ABOUT bringing you down every time someone takes a COMFORT BREAK.”
In Wales, the BBC lady doing the reporting kept saying over and over and over how the Labour will have to form a coalition “probably with the Liberal Democrats”. It cannot be GOOD if everyone just assumes we are a total PUSH OVER.
Whatever happens, our negotiating position should not be “TAKE ME, I am YOURS!”
Mr Black Peter, the Prince of Wales, has already made hisbid to be new leader case for not joining a coalition.
Of course, we run the risk of giving Mr Balloon the KUDOS of saying: “look, Conservatories are now back in government in Scotland and Wales!” On the other fluffy foot, we get the advantage of being able to say “LOOK the Conservatories are now back in government in Scotland and Wales!”
The Conservatories are of course busily turning themselves into the ENGLISH NASTY PARTY anyway, so NO ONE should be surprised if they would rather jump into bed with the Nasties than have any principles.
Mind you, the REAL natural coalition is between the Thatcherite Party and the OTHER Thatcherite Party – but does anyone speculate about a Labour Conservatory coalition?
We are NOT an adjunct to the other parties; we are not just the “me too” party. We are the alternative. And perhaps it is time we were seen to be OPPOSING.
Sometimes, “No” is the hardest word.
In Scotland, the new Parliament has been chosen and… it’s a bit of a mix. But most obviously, the Labour have LOST seats and the Scottish Nasty Party has gained them – gained quite a LOT of them actually. Although it does not seem to be being reported that the Greens have actually lost MORE seats than the Labour!
If there is “no moral case” for putting the Labour into government because they have lost seats, then it is TRICKY to see the moral case for putting in the GREENS who have lost MORE seats!
Our own share of the vote held up, though because of a quirk of the almost-but-not-quite-proportional system we have still lost one seat. This is still rather disappointing – only a year or so ago we were doing really, really well and hoping to advance, but since then there has been a huge SURGE in the Nasties…
Anyway, now we have to do the difficult thing of deciding who will run Scotland for the Scottish people. And more important for us, will we join in.
The Labour have clearly lost, and a majority of people in Scotland have clearly rejected them as the government. What is more we are increasingly opposed to the Labour on a Britain-wide basis. Lord Blairimort may soon be gone but Mr Frown will hardly be a change of tune, and this may be a good time to be DISTANCING ourselves from them before they ALL disappear right down the plug hole.
I think that it would, on the whole, be better for us to say “thank you but no thank you” if they come asking for a coalition.
On the other fluffy foot, it would not be the most STABLE of governments if we went in with the Scottish Nasty Party either.
In the last parliament, we were able to form a coalition with the Labour because between us we had a majority with seats in hand.
OH, a small note for the BBC people – a “majority” means that you control more seats than all the others put together: in today’s parliament, the Scottish Nasty Party does NOT have a “majority” of one over the Labour. The word you are looking for is LEAD!
The point though is that even if we and the Nasties get together AND add in the Greens we will only have a majority of ONE. The first hint of a row, or if one MSP has a prior engagement or even if someone just steps out to the TOILET then the government falls over!
We know that we have BIGGER problems with the Nasties than with the Labour (not that there weren’t enough problems there!), and we would have great big blazing rows. Not good if your majority is WAFFER THIN!
Plus, we were part of that government that has just been rejected. We should be honest enough to put our fluffy feet up to that too.
So it might be best all around if we were to say: “okay, we aren’t going to join a coalition with EITHER of you. But we won’t deliberately undermine either of you either. If you can make a coalition with the Conservatories and the Greens – or with each other! – then we won’t FAFF ABOUT bringing you down every time someone takes a COMFORT BREAK.”
In Wales, the BBC lady doing the reporting kept saying over and over and over how the Labour will have to form a coalition “probably with the Liberal Democrats”. It cannot be GOOD if everyone just assumes we are a total PUSH OVER.
Whatever happens, our negotiating position should not be “TAKE ME, I am YOURS!”
Mr Black Peter, the Prince of Wales, has already made his
Of course, we run the risk of giving Mr Balloon the KUDOS of saying: “look, Conservatories are now back in government in Scotland and Wales!” On the other fluffy foot, we get the advantage of being able to say “LOOK the Conservatories are now back in government in Scotland and Wales!”
The Conservatories are of course busily turning themselves into the ENGLISH NASTY PARTY anyway, so NO ONE should be surprised if they would rather jump into bed with the Nasties than have any principles.
Mind you, the REAL natural coalition is between the Thatcherite Party and the OTHER Thatcherite Party – but does anyone speculate about a Labour Conservatory coalition?
We are NOT an adjunct to the other parties; we are not just the “me too” party. We are the alternative. And perhaps it is time we were seen to be OPPOSING.
Day 2314: May the Fourth Be With You!
Thursday:
It was a dark time for the LiberalAlliance [No, no, no, no, noooooo]…
Oh bobbins! It seems like the EVIL EMPIRE have been using their ULTIMATE WEAPON – the BALLOON STAR – to explode several of our planets. There is only one thing for it, we must use the HIDDEN WEAKNESS by finding the SECRET PLANS… ah, now I realise why Mr Balloon HAS no plans!
It has been a bit of a HORRID night, all in all. I am sorry to have to say that, but it is TRUE.
Mr James was not impressed either, although Mr Jonny thinks that it is a PARADOX, with mixed messages for all parties.
As a FLUFFY ELEPHANT, I had very much hoped we Liberal Democrats could hold our own, maintaining our overall share of the vote. And if we maybe lost some council seats to the rising tide of the Conservatories I had hoped that we would cancel those out by making gains off of the Labour.
But it seems that the Labour's voters have decided to hold onto the hope that WHOEVER comes next (it will be Mr Frown) cannot be as bad as Lord Blairimort (he can!).
So although we have in fact managed to keep our end up in Wales and Scotland, we have clearly lost a couple of hundred councillors; and although our share of the vote at 26% is in fact barely changed from last year we have suffered the PSYCHOLOGICAL blow of seeing the Labour slip back ahead of us. Just barely.
I suspect that the reason for this may ACTUALLY be because the Liberal Democrats are now doing much BETTER. Yes, I know this sounds WONKY! But if you think about it, we are now coming under fire from BOTH of the other big parties as increasingly they retreat onto their home turf. In the south, where there is barely a councillor from the Labour to be seen, we have to stand against the Conservatories; but in the north where – significantly – the "Balloon Effect" has yet to fly, we are the ONLY opposition standing up to the Labour.
This leads to the BIZARRE situation of Mr Paxo accusing us of being "tarts" for trying to represent the WHOLE of the country!
(Mr Vince "Captain Power" Cable did NOT answer this question very well! He should have asked Mr Paxo if he would prefer it if we we're like the other parties and did not BOTHER with large chunks of the country. Mind you, at least Mr Vince pulled himself together again after that – Auntie Maude had disintegrated completely!)
We need to learn TWO important lessons, I am afraid.
Firstly, we need to learn to DEFEND ourselves much better. Holding a council is much harder work than taking one – because all of your good activists are now busy BEING councillors. And we need to work out a plan to stop ourselves getting all the blame for the mess left behind when Conservatories and Labour get kicked out. Otherwise, like weeds, they just come back.
We can pull in workers from surrounding areas to try to have enough numbers to keep delivering and campaigning but… well, aren't we rather good at doing this already? And if the areas where we do well are surrounded by others areas where we do well, well where do the spare people come from?
So we advance, but we get washed back. Which is disappointing.
On the other fluffy foot, Mr Councillor Stephen points out that many of our losses to the Conservatories were in places where the Conservatories were already strong, while in our own areas we were the ones taking seats. If Mr Balloon is consolidating and not advancing then he may find our MPs harder to dislodge than he boasts.
Secondly, we need to learn a new technique for ATTACKING, because we are no longer at the cutting edge, and in the main we are targeting against the Labour now rather than the Conservatories. The Labour are a very different kettle of fish, much more inclined to be TRIBAL. Yes, I know you don't get TRIBES of FISH.
Speaking of TRIBAL, personally I think that we made a MISTAKE in Scotland by campaigning so strongly against the Scottish Nasty Party's idea of a REFERENDUM. I think that it would have been better to say:
"Well, that's really a question for any negotiations after the election. We don't see the need for one, we think that there are more important things to get on and do for Scotland, and if one happened obviously we would campaign very strongly to keep the Union. We're a Liberal Party, a listening party and if that's the will of the Scottish people, then it wouldn't hurt us to hear their views. But it sounds like a huge waste of time and money so let me tell you what our priorities are instead…"
Insisting that we were against the referendum was just campaigning on the Scottish Nasties' territory. Why give them the free publicity?
We have plenty of things to talk about without having to talk about the Nasties' manifesto.
Because one thing that is GOOD is that we are sharpening up our POLICY OFFERING and PRESENTATION. I think it is widely recognised that we are MILES ahead of the Conservatories on this. If there is a crumb of comfort then it is that Mr Balloon's rise without trace was slightly blunted because he doesn't have ANY policies.
We need to remind ourselves that our top team now plays VERY WELL in the media. Sir Mr the Merciless himself is actually POPULAR, and particularly with younger voters who form the bedrock of our support. He talks about the things that matter to them and they respect him.
And to be fair he is not just a ONE-MAN-BAND the way that Captain Paddy and CK1 used to appear to be.
Mr Clogg has done very well in breaking thorough into the media world as well, with many appearances on the news in order to respond to the latest hilarity from the Home Office. Mr Ed has made his mark doing all the pundit shows and staying up all night with Mr Dimbledonkey. And our old friend Mr Hewn gets out a lot, too… (doing rather well on the Newsnight Show as I type!)
But we need to see more of our TALENT out there. We have GOT so many MPs now, we should USE them!
Our election broadcast about CRIME was quite good, but it was a CRIME that we did not see any of our lady MPs in our broadcasts. Ms Susan Kramer-vs-Kramer, Ms Julia Golds-Worth-her-weight-in, Queen of Bloggers Ms Featherweight, the amazing little Ms Jo and LOVELY SARAH TEATHER! Any one of them worth more than all fifteen OLD ETONIANS on Mr Balloon's front bench. Where were they all?
It wouldn't hurt to see more of Mr Tim or Mr Danny either – and let's have a lot more BIGGING UP of Mr Norman the Baker, defender of Freedom of Information!
We're never going to win an election by coverage in the national media alone – not in a world where we vanish from the front pages every time Mr Balloon drops his trousers. Campaigning on the ground, street by street, climbing EVERY STAIRCASE just to find that voter has always been our way.
But it is nice to know that we might get a little bit of support from the airwaves.
I think we should also thank the people who are taking us into CYBERSPACE, people like Mr Rob with his Lib Dem Voice, and Dr Pax and Mr Will sending results by TEXT from their electric broom-cupboard under the Cowley Street stairs!
It may not be Dale Winton on Certificate 18 Doubtful Street, but it's not Mr Millipede's robot-written blog either. It's the future. It should come with Garlic Bread.
So where do we go from here? Well, have a good sob into your nearest cuddly elephant if you need it, but then pick yourself up, dust yourself down and get ready to start all over again. Some of us have taken a drubbing, but we're still capable of winning – remember Hull! How's that for a battle cry!
And remember too, in four years time the Conservatories are going to have to try and defend these council seats while Mr Balloon will still have no policies and will be desperately trying to run the country from an unpopular minority government because a quarter of his party defected to UKIP the day after the next general election!
It was a dark time for the Liberal
Oh bobbins! It seems like the EVIL EMPIRE have been using their ULTIMATE WEAPON – the BALLOON STAR – to explode several of our planets. There is only one thing for it, we must use the HIDDEN WEAKNESS by finding the SECRET PLANS… ah, now I realise why Mr Balloon HAS no plans!
It has been a bit of a HORRID night, all in all. I am sorry to have to say that, but it is TRUE.
Mr James was not impressed either, although Mr Jonny thinks that it is a PARADOX, with mixed messages for all parties.
As a FLUFFY ELEPHANT, I had very much hoped we Liberal Democrats could hold our own, maintaining our overall share of the vote. And if we maybe lost some council seats to the rising tide of the Conservatories I had hoped that we would cancel those out by making gains off of the Labour.
But it seems that the Labour's voters have decided to hold onto the hope that WHOEVER comes next (it will be Mr Frown) cannot be as bad as Lord Blairimort (he can!).
So although we have in fact managed to keep our end up in Wales and Scotland, we have clearly lost a couple of hundred councillors; and although our share of the vote at 26% is in fact barely changed from last year we have suffered the PSYCHOLOGICAL blow of seeing the Labour slip back ahead of us. Just barely.
I suspect that the reason for this may ACTUALLY be because the Liberal Democrats are now doing much BETTER. Yes, I know this sounds WONKY! But if you think about it, we are now coming under fire from BOTH of the other big parties as increasingly they retreat onto their home turf. In the south, where there is barely a councillor from the Labour to be seen, we have to stand against the Conservatories; but in the north where – significantly – the "Balloon Effect" has yet to fly, we are the ONLY opposition standing up to the Labour.
This leads to the BIZARRE situation of Mr Paxo accusing us of being "tarts" for trying to represent the WHOLE of the country!
(Mr Vince "Captain Power" Cable did NOT answer this question very well! He should have asked Mr Paxo if he would prefer it if we we're like the other parties and did not BOTHER with large chunks of the country. Mind you, at least Mr Vince pulled himself together again after that – Auntie Maude had disintegrated completely!)
We need to learn TWO important lessons, I am afraid.
Firstly, we need to learn to DEFEND ourselves much better. Holding a council is much harder work than taking one – because all of your good activists are now busy BEING councillors. And we need to work out a plan to stop ourselves getting all the blame for the mess left behind when Conservatories and Labour get kicked out. Otherwise, like weeds, they just come back.
We can pull in workers from surrounding areas to try to have enough numbers to keep delivering and campaigning but… well, aren't we rather good at doing this already? And if the areas where we do well are surrounded by others areas where we do well, well where do the spare people come from?
So we advance, but we get washed back. Which is disappointing.
On the other fluffy foot, Mr Councillor Stephen points out that many of our losses to the Conservatories were in places where the Conservatories were already strong, while in our own areas we were the ones taking seats. If Mr Balloon is consolidating and not advancing then he may find our MPs harder to dislodge than he boasts.
Secondly, we need to learn a new technique for ATTACKING, because we are no longer at the cutting edge, and in the main we are targeting against the Labour now rather than the Conservatories. The Labour are a very different kettle of fish, much more inclined to be TRIBAL. Yes, I know you don't get TRIBES of FISH.
Speaking of TRIBAL, personally I think that we made a MISTAKE in Scotland by campaigning so strongly against the Scottish Nasty Party's idea of a REFERENDUM. I think that it would have been better to say:
"Well, that's really a question for any negotiations after the election. We don't see the need for one, we think that there are more important things to get on and do for Scotland, and if one happened obviously we would campaign very strongly to keep the Union. We're a Liberal Party, a listening party and if that's the will of the Scottish people, then it wouldn't hurt us to hear their views. But it sounds like a huge waste of time and money so let me tell you what our priorities are instead…"
Insisting that we were against the referendum was just campaigning on the Scottish Nasties' territory. Why give them the free publicity?
We have plenty of things to talk about without having to talk about the Nasties' manifesto.
Because one thing that is GOOD is that we are sharpening up our POLICY OFFERING and PRESENTATION. I think it is widely recognised that we are MILES ahead of the Conservatories on this. If there is a crumb of comfort then it is that Mr Balloon's rise without trace was slightly blunted because he doesn't have ANY policies.
We need to remind ourselves that our top team now plays VERY WELL in the media. Sir Mr the Merciless himself is actually POPULAR, and particularly with younger voters who form the bedrock of our support. He talks about the things that matter to them and they respect him.
And to be fair he is not just a ONE-MAN-BAND the way that Captain Paddy and CK1 used to appear to be.
Mr Clogg has done very well in breaking thorough into the media world as well, with many appearances on the news in order to respond to the latest hilarity from the Home Office. Mr Ed has made his mark doing all the pundit shows and staying up all night with Mr Dimbledonkey. And our old friend Mr Hewn gets out a lot, too… (doing rather well on the Newsnight Show as I type!)
But we need to see more of our TALENT out there. We have GOT so many MPs now, we should USE them!
Our election broadcast about CRIME was quite good, but it was a CRIME that we did not see any of our lady MPs in our broadcasts. Ms Susan Kramer-vs-Kramer, Ms Julia Golds-Worth-her-weight-in, Queen of Bloggers Ms Featherweight, the amazing little Ms Jo and LOVELY SARAH TEATHER! Any one of them worth more than all fifteen OLD ETONIANS on Mr Balloon's front bench. Where were they all?
It wouldn't hurt to see more of Mr Tim or Mr Danny either – and let's have a lot more BIGGING UP of Mr Norman the Baker, defender of Freedom of Information!
We're never going to win an election by coverage in the national media alone – not in a world where we vanish from the front pages every time Mr Balloon drops his trousers. Campaigning on the ground, street by street, climbing EVERY STAIRCASE just to find that voter has always been our way.
But it is nice to know that we might get a little bit of support from the airwaves.
I think we should also thank the people who are taking us into CYBERSPACE, people like Mr Rob with his Lib Dem Voice, and Dr Pax and Mr Will sending results by TEXT from their electric broom-cupboard under the Cowley Street stairs!
It may not be Dale Winton on Certificate 18 Doubtful Street, but it's not Mr Millipede's robot-written blog either. It's the future. It should come with Garlic Bread.
So where do we go from here? Well, have a good sob into your nearest cuddly elephant if you need it, but then pick yourself up, dust yourself down and get ready to start all over again. Some of us have taken a drubbing, but we're still capable of winning – remember Hull! How's that for a battle cry!
And remember too, in four years time the Conservatories are going to have to try and defend these council seats while Mr Balloon will still have no policies and will be desperately trying to run the country from an unpopular minority government because a quarter of his party defected to UKIP the day after the next general election!
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Day 2313: Mayday! Mayday! Prime Monster in Distress!
Wednesday:
Just GO already!
And so the PROTRACTED demise of Lord Blairimort continues and, like in HAMLET, the entire COURT has been wiped out but the death scene STILL goes on FAR TOO LONG.
As ever, the Labour seek to use their spin machine to try to cover up what is really going on. Rather than face up to the peoples' decisions in Scotland and Wales and the local elections, the Labour – just like in the Hartlepool by-election, when Lord Blairimort first got himself into this mess – are PRE-EMPTING the results and trying to BURY any BAD NEWS.
This week saw Lord Blairimort celebrate a DECADE in POWER. Or, more accurately, two years of doing exactly what the Conservatories had said they would do and eight years of doing exactly what the Monkey-in-Chief said he should do.
Looking back on this time, Sir Mr the Merciless gave the Prime Monster a very generous 4 out of 10.
Lord Blairimort has read this report. He quoted from it extensively at Prime Monster's TV Quiz, listing the things Liberal Democrats say he has got right: an "ethical foreign policy" (terms and conditions apply), economic stability, Scottish and Welsh devolution and increased investment in public services.
Strangely, he did NOT read out the bits that say where he has gone WRONG. Increases in personal debt; widening of the gap between rich and poor; 2% rise in Carbon emissions when the Labour promised to cut them; more deficits in the NHS; failure to meet their pledge on class sizes; increased violent crime; and above all the worst foreign policy decision since Suez, the illegal invasion of Iraq.
Mr Jonny has draws lesson for us from this.
But Lord Blairimort is ALWAYS like this: he is only interested in PRESENTATION and only interested in THINGS THAT MAKE HIM LOOK GOOD.
"He has squeezed the VALUES out of British politics," Sir Mr the Merciless told the BBC, "That's why there's a real opportunity for a party of principle like ours."
Lord Blairimort's PARTISAN BLINKERS might get him some cheap laughs in the House of Commons, but really they just HURT the country. He believes that he can do no wrong – so he just sticks his fingers in his ears and goes "lalalalala" rather than listen to any criticism. And THAT is why he makes such DISASTROUS mistakes.
Which reminds me: Mr Balloon also joined the celebration.
"Tony Blair's time started with great hope but has ended with disappointment," said Mr Balloon, reminding everyone just how much HE wants to be like Lord Blairimort.
It is no longer the case – if it ever was in the first place – that the BLAME for whatever happens on Thursday can be placed on Lord Blairimort's shoulders and he will depart leaving a new and innocent Mr Frown in charge. Certainly that was never going to be Lord Blairimort's plan! And now, even Mr Frown is being forced to admit that he may perhaps have had some small hand in running the country for the last ten years.
But by rolling out an ongoing Lord Blairimort SAGA of will he/won't he be announcing his walking of the ceremonial plank, the Labour hope to distract the news media into covering that story more than any actual democratic process that might be going on. Leaking that the announcement might come BEFORE the elections on Thursday has enabled them to keep it going through several "news cycles" and focus the spotlight firmly on themselves – one way or another – for the whole election week. And they will keep control of the news agenda after the election by tantalising the press with hints of the moment when Lord B ACTUALLY resigns.
I am not QUITE sure how good an idea it is to campaign on the slogan "I'm out'a here; don't blame the lot I'm leaving behind". It is as likely to remind voters that this is their last chance to give Lord Blairimort a good KICKING in the BALLOTS as it is to make them think "ah, we are renewed with Mr Frown!"
Mind you, you'd probably have to be drinking DRAIN-O to wake up thinking "ah, we are renewed with Mr Frown!"
Even at this stage, Lord Blairimort has to GRIT his teeth in order to spit out an endorsement of his Chancellor, still unable to name his successor by name:
"In all probability a Scot will become prime minister of the United Kingdom," he said at a gathering of those party workers still loyal to him. Both of them.
Does he STILL think that Nice Mr Dr John Reid could have a go at dethroning the prince in waiting and waiting and waiting?
Actually, it has been a fairly TYPICAL week at the Home Office when even though they might have been TRUMPETING a good result with several nasty terroristbanged, er not in this context, locked up, they STILL manage to make a mess of it by accidentally letting on that they've been covering up for MI5's having probably made a cock-up over the July 7th terrorists.
"WE never knew who they were, nice Master; thought they were nasty thieving fraudsters, we did, Master, but not terroristses, oh no," said nice Mr Dr Reid.
He added: "of course we knew who they were, my precious; we followed them home and took lots of snapses with the cameras, Gollum."
Actually, catching terrorists is REALLY QUITE DIFFICULT, and we cannot expect our secret agents to get it right every single time. They have to make choices about who to target and which contacts to follow, and sometimes they are going to get it wrong.
It IS horrible when they get it wrong, but it is also quite rare. Remember, they missed one lot of terrorists because they were concentrating on another lot, who they went on to catch.
As usual, though, it is the COVERING UP afterwards that is the serious problem – how can we learn from mistakes if we are too busy pretending that they never happened? How can MI5 be accountable to Parliament if they only give Parliament the EDITED HIGHLIGHTS?
Funnily enough, this came up at Prime Monster's TV Quiz too. It was all VERY predictable. Or as Daddy Alex said: "So it has come to this, a PMQT Clips Show".
Mr Balloon called for an inquiry
Lord Blairimort said no.
Sir Mr the Merciless asked if anyone would take responsibility for the mistakes made in Iraq.
Lord Blairimort said no.
Sir Mr the Merciless told the house who was responsible: the Monkey-in-Chief took the decision, Lord Blairimort made the case, Mr Frown signed the cheques and the Conservatories voted it through.
Lord Blairimort (knowing Sir M was out of questions) said that Liberal Democrats would have let Mr Saddam stay in power. (Unlike Lord Blairimort who actually told the House of Commons that, er, he would let Mr Saddam stay in power.)
Mr Balloon asked if Lord Blairimort would say anything nice about his successor.
Lord Blairimort rattled off his prepared thousand-page list.
Mr Balloon sat down looking embarrassed.
We have seen it all before.
At least Lord Blairimort didn't say: "I'm enjoying this!"
Daddy watched it all with me on the Daily Politics with the voter-o-meters: it was interesting to see that Sir Mr the Merciless got very strong positives with his question – worth remembering for those thinking the Iraq debacle is now "old news" – and Sir M's support is strongest among younger voters. Lord Blairimort, on the other fluffy foot, got only lukewarm support for his answers and in particular, when he was being partisan, it polarised the voters along partisan lines too – meaning he can no longer convince anyone other than the few remaining people who are going to vote for the Labour anyway.
I wonder how Mr Frown will do.
The Newsnight Show has run a poll saying that 73% of voters would like toget rid of him straight away give him his own mandate with a snap election after Lord Blairimort goes.
They should be so lucky!
In fact, there is NO NEED for a general election: we elect our MPs and not our PMs. Mr Frown will be able to command a majority of the House of Commons – probably – and that means he gets to be Prime Monster. Just like Mr Minor did for the Conservatories or Mr Call-again did for the Labour last time.
Mr Frown should be allowed to have his two or three years in charge. Then everyone will see that he is just the same as Lord Blairimort.
Of course, a snap BY-ELECTION in SEDGEFIELD would be an entirely other question!
GOOD LUCK to everyone in the local and devolved elections!
Condensed version: "just GO already!"
Just GO already!
And so the PROTRACTED demise of Lord Blairimort continues and, like in HAMLET, the entire COURT has been wiped out but the death scene STILL goes on FAR TOO LONG.
As ever, the Labour seek to use their spin machine to try to cover up what is really going on. Rather than face up to the peoples' decisions in Scotland and Wales and the local elections, the Labour – just like in the Hartlepool by-election, when Lord Blairimort first got himself into this mess – are PRE-EMPTING the results and trying to BURY any BAD NEWS.
This week saw Lord Blairimort celebrate a DECADE in POWER. Or, more accurately, two years of doing exactly what the Conservatories had said they would do and eight years of doing exactly what the Monkey-in-Chief said he should do.
Looking back on this time, Sir Mr the Merciless gave the Prime Monster a very generous 4 out of 10.
Lord Blairimort has read this report. He quoted from it extensively at Prime Monster's TV Quiz, listing the things Liberal Democrats say he has got right: an "ethical foreign policy" (terms and conditions apply), economic stability, Scottish and Welsh devolution and increased investment in public services.
Strangely, he did NOT read out the bits that say where he has gone WRONG. Increases in personal debt; widening of the gap between rich and poor; 2% rise in Carbon emissions when the Labour promised to cut them; more deficits in the NHS; failure to meet their pledge on class sizes; increased violent crime; and above all the worst foreign policy decision since Suez, the illegal invasion of Iraq.
Mr Jonny has draws lesson for us from this.
But Lord Blairimort is ALWAYS like this: he is only interested in PRESENTATION and only interested in THINGS THAT MAKE HIM LOOK GOOD.
"He has squeezed the VALUES out of British politics," Sir Mr the Merciless told the BBC, "That's why there's a real opportunity for a party of principle like ours."
Lord Blairimort's PARTISAN BLINKERS might get him some cheap laughs in the House of Commons, but really they just HURT the country. He believes that he can do no wrong – so he just sticks his fingers in his ears and goes "lalalalala" rather than listen to any criticism. And THAT is why he makes such DISASTROUS mistakes.
Which reminds me: Mr Balloon also joined the celebration.
"Tony Blair's time started with great hope but has ended with disappointment," said Mr Balloon, reminding everyone just how much HE wants to be like Lord Blairimort.
It is no longer the case – if it ever was in the first place – that the BLAME for whatever happens on Thursday can be placed on Lord Blairimort's shoulders and he will depart leaving a new and innocent Mr Frown in charge. Certainly that was never going to be Lord Blairimort's plan! And now, even Mr Frown is being forced to admit that he may perhaps have had some small hand in running the country for the last ten years.
But by rolling out an ongoing Lord Blairimort SAGA of will he/won't he be announcing his walking of the ceremonial plank, the Labour hope to distract the news media into covering that story more than any actual democratic process that might be going on. Leaking that the announcement might come BEFORE the elections on Thursday has enabled them to keep it going through several "news cycles" and focus the spotlight firmly on themselves – one way or another – for the whole election week. And they will keep control of the news agenda after the election by tantalising the press with hints of the moment when Lord B ACTUALLY resigns.
I am not QUITE sure how good an idea it is to campaign on the slogan "I'm out'a here; don't blame the lot I'm leaving behind". It is as likely to remind voters that this is their last chance to give Lord Blairimort a good KICKING in the BALLOTS as it is to make them think "ah, we are renewed with Mr Frown!"
Mind you, you'd probably have to be drinking DRAIN-O to wake up thinking "ah, we are renewed with Mr Frown!"
Even at this stage, Lord Blairimort has to GRIT his teeth in order to spit out an endorsement of his Chancellor, still unable to name his successor by name:
"In all probability a Scot will become prime minister of the United Kingdom," he said at a gathering of those party workers still loyal to him. Both of them.
Does he STILL think that Nice Mr Dr John Reid could have a go at dethroning the prince in waiting and waiting and waiting?
Actually, it has been a fairly TYPICAL week at the Home Office when even though they might have been TRUMPETING a good result with several nasty terrorist
"WE never knew who they were, nice Master; thought they were nasty thieving fraudsters, we did, Master, but not terroristses, oh no," said nice Mr Dr Reid.
He added: "of course we knew who they were, my precious; we followed them home and took lots of snapses with the cameras, Gollum."
Actually, catching terrorists is REALLY QUITE DIFFICULT, and we cannot expect our secret agents to get it right every single time. They have to make choices about who to target and which contacts to follow, and sometimes they are going to get it wrong.
It IS horrible when they get it wrong, but it is also quite rare. Remember, they missed one lot of terrorists because they were concentrating on another lot, who they went on to catch.
As usual, though, it is the COVERING UP afterwards that is the serious problem – how can we learn from mistakes if we are too busy pretending that they never happened? How can MI5 be accountable to Parliament if they only give Parliament the EDITED HIGHLIGHTS?
Funnily enough, this came up at Prime Monster's TV Quiz too. It was all VERY predictable. Or as Daddy Alex said: "So it has come to this, a PMQT Clips Show".
Mr Balloon called for an inquiry
Lord Blairimort said no.
Sir Mr the Merciless asked if anyone would take responsibility for the mistakes made in Iraq.
Lord Blairimort said no.
Sir Mr the Merciless told the house who was responsible: the Monkey-in-Chief took the decision, Lord Blairimort made the case, Mr Frown signed the cheques and the Conservatories voted it through.
Lord Blairimort (knowing Sir M was out of questions) said that Liberal Democrats would have let Mr Saddam stay in power. (Unlike Lord Blairimort who actually told the House of Commons that, er, he would let Mr Saddam stay in power.)
Mr Balloon asked if Lord Blairimort would say anything nice about his successor.
Lord Blairimort rattled off his prepared thousand-page list.
Mr Balloon sat down looking embarrassed.
We have seen it all before.
At least Lord Blairimort didn't say: "I'm enjoying this!"
Daddy watched it all with me on the Daily Politics with the voter-o-meters: it was interesting to see that Sir Mr the Merciless got very strong positives with his question – worth remembering for those thinking the Iraq debacle is now "old news" – and Sir M's support is strongest among younger voters. Lord Blairimort, on the other fluffy foot, got only lukewarm support for his answers and in particular, when he was being partisan, it polarised the voters along partisan lines too – meaning he can no longer convince anyone other than the few remaining people who are going to vote for the Labour anyway.
I wonder how Mr Frown will do.
The Newsnight Show has run a poll saying that 73% of voters would like to
They should be so lucky!
In fact, there is NO NEED for a general election: we elect our MPs and not our PMs. Mr Frown will be able to command a majority of the House of Commons – probably – and that means he gets to be Prime Monster. Just like Mr Minor did for the Conservatories or Mr Call-again did for the Labour last time.
Mr Frown should be allowed to have his two or three years in charge. Then everyone will see that he is just the same as Lord Blairimort.
Of course, a snap BY-ELECTION in SEDGEFIELD would be an entirely other question!
GOOD LUCK to everyone in the local and devolved elections!
Condensed version: "just GO already!"
Day 2312: Mysteries of Doctor Who #9: So why exactly does Azal blow himself up at the end of the Dæmons?
May Day:
Any of you out there fancying the greatest occult festival of the year after Halloween… you've just missed it!
But my Daddies took the opportunity to CELEBRATE in the TIME-HONOURED FASHION of bunging on a DOCTOR WHO VIDEO.
"The Dæmons" is the story that finishes off Doctor Who's eighth year, and it is also the concluding episode of a sort of story arc that has seen Dr Who pitted against his brand new arch enemy Mr the Master in every story that year.
The Master is often described as "Moriarty" to Dr Who's "Sherlock Holmes", and this is because he's never mentioned until he appears in just one story and gets killed at the end… no, that's not right!
The Master is much more like ERNST STAVRO BLOFELD in the early James Bond films: he comes up with DIABOLICAL and usually BONKERS plots that fall flat on their faces the moment Dr Who turns up. But he ESCAPES and COMES BACK next time! In his early incarnation, he is always joining forces with some alien menace or other (the Autons, the Mind Parasite, the Axons, the Clangers, the Daleks) only to have them turn on him in the end so that he must team up with Dr Who. Later, he changes this for a fixation with disguising himself in ludicrous anagrams and hiding out in random historical locations.
However, in "The Dæmons" he actually works. He has a plan to get power that – bizarre as it may seem – actually makes sense. Obviously, his speech to the villagers promising that if they follow him he will lead them to take over the world seems a little, er, ambitious, but he's probably just bluffing them. He only wants their emotions, anyway.
(Actually, if the Master REALLY wanted to take over the World that way, he would need to think on a rather larger scale. Some sort of career as a CHARISMATIC POLITICIAN might be a good idea… er… not that I'm saying anything… MUST… NOT… MAKE… ALLIANCE… WITH… EVIL ALIEN!!!)
For a lot of people this is the best ever Doctor Who story for Mr Jon Twerpee, as it is not just a really great story for him and the Master but it also features the best uses for all of the UNIT family of Miss Jojo Grant, Mr Sergeant Benton, Mr Captain Yates and Mr the Brigadier, along with helicopters, flying gargoyles, motorbike chases and to cap it all, the Devil himself, alive and in person.
Or actually not, as it turns out that the Devil in this case is actually an alien called Azal.
Reading Mr Tat and Mr Larry's book "About Time 3", they notice that the Master tries to bind this Azal "in the name of the unnameable one" and wonder if this means that there is some other Devil out there, bigger and scarier than the Dæmons. Oh how they must have LAUGHED when Dr Who landed on "The Impossible Planet" last year!
In fact, Dr Who gets rather snippy with local weird woman Miss Hawthorn when she insists on calling it all magic. Everything has a scientific explanation, he insists several times to her and to Jojo. He is remarkably ungracious about it. On the other fluffy foot, he IS right.
The Age of Aquarius "you know, the occult and all that magic bit" are Jojo's latest obsession, though, so he's probably had to cope with it all the way down from UNIT top secret headquarters. (As marked by the big sign that says UNIT top secret headquarters.)
The Dæmons, at least according to Dr Who, are a bunch of AMORAL SCIENTISTS who have been tampering with the development of Earth people.
Mind you, so has Scaroth. And so has the Rani. And the Osirans, And the Fendahl. And the Terrileptils caused the Great Fire of London. It is surprising that Earth has any history of its own at all, to be honest!
Anyway, Azal arrived here about a hundred thousand years ago and has been tinkering ever since, kicking off the Renaissance and the Industrial Revolution and stuff, and napping in between times. Now some ornery old archaeologist called Professor Horner has decided to have a go at digging up Azal's bedroom and the Master is on hand to take advantage.
Professor Horner – and Dr Who! – both get instantly frozen at the end of episode one when, in a rare moment of scientific accuracy, Azal absorbs a lot of heat in order to grow to his normal huge size. (Heat being energy and energy being equivalent to matter according to Mr Einstein who worked it all out!)
For the professor, this is fatal, but Dr Who has the constitution of an OX – which at least matches his manners, see above! Actually, we were left wondering whether BBC3 television presenter Mr Alastair Fergus also gets his at that point. He OUGHT to be down in the dig with the professor and we do not see him again – only his camp aide, seen as the telly people drive away. Does anybody know?
Azal turns out to be a bit of a stickler for instructions. His go something like this:
Now, not EVERYONE is completely happy with the climax to this story, where Ms Jojo flings herself between Dr Who and Azal's Pointing Fingers Of Death™ the result of which is that Azal, er, blows up in confusion.
In fact, this somewhat abrupt conclusion along with the fact that "The Dæmons" is one of Doctor Who's rare five-parters (the other two being "The Dominators" and "The Mind Robber" in the budget-stretching final year of Dr Who number two, Mr Pat Trout) led Doctor Who Bulletin to produce a spoof "episode six" where Azal's boss turns up and it's "god". That WAS for their 1st April edition rather than 1st May, though.
But accepting that the story really does end here, why might this have happened?
Well, Daddy has had a thought. Or possibly two thoughts.
The way that we are told that the Dæmons' "psionic science" works is by channelling "emotional energy". Actually, that is frothing-fit inducing nonsense too – if your body could generate and focus enough energy to levitate a stone gargoyle then you would have STEAM coming out of your ears because your BRAIN would be BOILING!
Still, breathe deeply and pretend that it might work, and then remember that the Master is currently providing all of Azal's wattage from his coven of cowering villagers. Black magic based on nasty negative emotions like anger and jealousy and greed. Azal revs himself up and prepare to go "Zzap!" when…
Suddenly along comes Ms Jojo and she's brim full of COMPLETELY DIFFERENT emotions: love, self-sacrifice, bravery.
It is like throwing a cup full of sugar into the petrol tank while doing ninety miles-an-hour. It instantly turns to caramel and gums up the whole works. Flash bang wallop bits of engine and gear box in all directions.
Alternatively, maybe Azal needs to produce a channel or tube of magic to focus all that energy from himself to Dr Who. In that case, Ms Jojo's intervention doesn't disrupt Azal himself so much as cancel out his channel. We HAVE seen people create "psychic barriers" in another Doctor Who story: "The Curse of Fenric" and that is to do with absolute belief; perhaps Jojo demonstrates absolute belief in Dr Who here she creates a "psychic barrier" by luck. Azal is left full to bursting with magic energy and nowhere for it to go. Except by bursting. All that "cannot compute" waffle is him unable to establish an alternative channel because he's already too overheated.
And then the church blew up!
There were letters to the RadioTimes complaining about that, honest! So, it might all be a bit silly but it was certainly WORTHWHILE!
Condensed version: "Although 'The Dæmons' is a good story, the ending is a bit dodgy."
Any of you out there fancying the greatest occult festival of the year after Halloween… you've just missed it!
But my Daddies took the opportunity to CELEBRATE in the TIME-HONOURED FASHION of bunging on a DOCTOR WHO VIDEO.
"The Dæmons" is the story that finishes off Doctor Who's eighth year, and it is also the concluding episode of a sort of story arc that has seen Dr Who pitted against his brand new arch enemy Mr the Master in every story that year.
The Master is often described as "Moriarty" to Dr Who's "Sherlock Holmes", and this is because he's never mentioned until he appears in just one story and gets killed at the end… no, that's not right!
The Master is much more like ERNST STAVRO BLOFELD in the early James Bond films: he comes up with DIABOLICAL and usually BONKERS plots that fall flat on their faces the moment Dr Who turns up. But he ESCAPES and COMES BACK next time! In his early incarnation, he is always joining forces with some alien menace or other (the Autons, the Mind Parasite, the Axons, the Clangers, the Daleks) only to have them turn on him in the end so that he must team up with Dr Who. Later, he changes this for a fixation with disguising himself in ludicrous anagrams and hiding out in random historical locations.
However, in "The Dæmons" he actually works. He has a plan to get power that – bizarre as it may seem – actually makes sense. Obviously, his speech to the villagers promising that if they follow him he will lead them to take over the world seems a little, er, ambitious, but he's probably just bluffing them. He only wants their emotions, anyway.
(Actually, if the Master REALLY wanted to take over the World that way, he would need to think on a rather larger scale. Some sort of career as a CHARISMATIC POLITICIAN might be a good idea… er… not that I'm saying anything… MUST… NOT… MAKE… ALLIANCE… WITH… EVIL ALIEN!!!)
For a lot of people this is the best ever Doctor Who story for Mr Jon Twerpee, as it is not just a really great story for him and the Master but it also features the best uses for all of the UNIT family of Miss Jojo Grant, Mr Sergeant Benton, Mr Captain Yates and Mr the Brigadier, along with helicopters, flying gargoyles, motorbike chases and to cap it all, the Devil himself, alive and in person.
Or actually not, as it turns out that the Devil in this case is actually an alien called Azal.
Reading Mr Tat and Mr Larry's book "About Time 3", they notice that the Master tries to bind this Azal "in the name of the unnameable one" and wonder if this means that there is some other Devil out there, bigger and scarier than the Dæmons. Oh how they must have LAUGHED when Dr Who landed on "The Impossible Planet" last year!
In fact, Dr Who gets rather snippy with local weird woman Miss Hawthorn when she insists on calling it all magic. Everything has a scientific explanation, he insists several times to her and to Jojo. He is remarkably ungracious about it. On the other fluffy foot, he IS right.
The Age of Aquarius "you know, the occult and all that magic bit" are Jojo's latest obsession, though, so he's probably had to cope with it all the way down from UNIT top secret headquarters. (As marked by the big sign that says UNIT top secret headquarters.)
The Dæmons, at least according to Dr Who, are a bunch of AMORAL SCIENTISTS who have been tampering with the development of Earth people.
Mind you, so has Scaroth. And so has the Rani. And the Osirans, And the Fendahl. And the Terrileptils caused the Great Fire of London. It is surprising that Earth has any history of its own at all, to be honest!
Anyway, Azal arrived here about a hundred thousand years ago and has been tinkering ever since, kicking off the Renaissance and the Industrial Revolution and stuff, and napping in between times. Now some ornery old archaeologist called Professor Horner has decided to have a go at digging up Azal's bedroom and the Master is on hand to take advantage.
Professor Horner – and Dr Who! – both get instantly frozen at the end of episode one when, in a rare moment of scientific accuracy, Azal absorbs a lot of heat in order to grow to his normal huge size. (Heat being energy and energy being equivalent to matter according to Mr Einstein who worked it all out!)
For the professor, this is fatal, but Dr Who has the constitution of an OX – which at least matches his manners, see above! Actually, we were left wondering whether BBC3 television presenter Mr Alastair Fergus also gets his at that point. He OUGHT to be down in the dig with the professor and we do not see him again – only his camp aide, seen as the telly people drive away. Does anybody know?
Azal turns out to be a bit of a stickler for instructions. His go something like this:
Experiment
To see if I can improve the primitives of the planet Earth
Equipment
Self. Planet. Primitives. Miniature spacecraft. Spare gargoyle ("Bok")
Method
Arrive on planet; use psychic suggestion to get primitives to develop new technology; take nap. Repeat until later twentieth century. Finally, pick a May Day; wake up; appear three times; offer powers to best available candidate; if none available, destroy planet; die.
Results
Initially promising: selected primitives ("homo sapiens") managed to drive rival species ("homo neanderthalis") to extinction; wrote some pretty good poetry; built some nifty buildings etc.
Disappointingly, primitives then became obsessed with ritualistic song and dance routine – called it "religion" – and totally misunderstood scientific basis of Dæmon methods. Used technology mainly to hit each other. Often over disagreements about "religion".
Additional: annoying habit of trying to dig up my spaceship.
Conclusion
On final manifestation, discovered that planet still overrun by stupid primitives, but found two superior specimens. (Decided to ignore the fact they are obviously aliens. Am bored of spaceship getting dug up. So sue me.) Offered powers to one called "Dr Who" – preferred him to other fellow, don't like beards. "Dr Who" turned powers down. Stuff it! Will blow up world! Hang on, what's SHE doing? Arrgh! Bang! Pop!
Now, not EVERYONE is completely happy with the climax to this story, where Ms Jojo flings herself between Dr Who and Azal's Pointing Fingers Of Death™ the result of which is that Azal, er, blows up in confusion.
In fact, this somewhat abrupt conclusion along with the fact that "The Dæmons" is one of Doctor Who's rare five-parters (the other two being "The Dominators" and "The Mind Robber" in the budget-stretching final year of Dr Who number two, Mr Pat Trout) led Doctor Who Bulletin to produce a spoof "episode six" where Azal's boss turns up and it's "god". That WAS for their 1st April edition rather than 1st May, though.
But accepting that the story really does end here, why might this have happened?
Well, Daddy has had a thought. Or possibly two thoughts.
The way that we are told that the Dæmons' "psionic science" works is by channelling "emotional energy". Actually, that is frothing-fit inducing nonsense too – if your body could generate and focus enough energy to levitate a stone gargoyle then you would have STEAM coming out of your ears because your BRAIN would be BOILING!
Still, breathe deeply and pretend that it might work, and then remember that the Master is currently providing all of Azal's wattage from his coven of cowering villagers. Black magic based on nasty negative emotions like anger and jealousy and greed. Azal revs himself up and prepare to go "Zzap!" when…
Suddenly along comes Ms Jojo and she's brim full of COMPLETELY DIFFERENT emotions: love, self-sacrifice, bravery.
It is like throwing a cup full of sugar into the petrol tank while doing ninety miles-an-hour. It instantly turns to caramel and gums up the whole works. Flash bang wallop bits of engine and gear box in all directions.
Alternatively, maybe Azal needs to produce a channel or tube of magic to focus all that energy from himself to Dr Who. In that case, Ms Jojo's intervention doesn't disrupt Azal himself so much as cancel out his channel. We HAVE seen people create "psychic barriers" in another Doctor Who story: "The Curse of Fenric" and that is to do with absolute belief; perhaps Jojo demonstrates absolute belief in Dr Who here she creates a "psychic barrier" by luck. Azal is left full to bursting with magic energy and nowhere for it to go. Except by bursting. All that "cannot compute" waffle is him unable to establish an alternative channel because he's already too overheated.
And then the church blew up!
There were letters to the RadioTimes complaining about that, honest! So, it might all be a bit silly but it was certainly WORTHWHILE!
Condensed version: "Although 'The Dæmons' is a good story, the ending is a bit dodgy."
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