Day 2333: Freedom from Flip-Flops

Tuesday:


Guess what! It turns out that MP’s voting for the Secrecy of Information Bill last week was about as popular as a BUCKET OF COLD SICK, and much is the OPPROBRIUM that has been heaped upon them for doing so.

Well, being like a bucket of cold sick is NOT what Mr Balloon wants. Well, not since his Bullingdon daze days anyway. So he’s decided he wants to be against changing the Freedom of Information Act after all.

As it happens, the author of this pathetically SELF-SERVING bit of legislation, Mr David MacLean’s-Toothpaste, has found himself in the SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSING position of having to explain why he wants to make MP’s expenses secret at the same time as buying himself a £3,300 quad bike on, er, his MP’s expenses.

Of course, the Daily Hate Mail were rather less, er, kind in their breaking of the story.

Still, that sort of thing is surely not going to influence Mr Balloon – or “Shameless Dave”, as they now appear to be calling him over at Hate Mail Towers.

Mr Balloon is USED to that sort of thing by now. In fact, sending the Conservatory Right into a tizzy is one of his best ways of pretending that he isn’t one of them! Mind you, this week he is posing as “Mr EGALITARIAN ANTI-ELITIST EDUCATIONALIST… FROM ETON” rather than “Mr I’VE GOT SOMETHING TO HIDE ANTI-DEMOCRATIC EEJIT… FROM ETON”.

So apparently, rather than doing anything useful like telling Mr Toothpaste to stop mucking about or even turning up in the House of Commons to vote on the issue, Mr Balloon is going to ask very nicely if the House of Lords Club will please pull his ballots out of the fire save democracy for him.

Well, roll my button eyes!

But you know what I say? Get the Flip-Flopper while he’s on OUR side!

Meanwhile, Mr Frown has now ALSO jumped on the bandwagon promised that this tiny slip up over Freedom of Information will be “corrected”.

Look out Mr Toothpaste, SECRET STALIN Mr Frown is on the case – you’ll be off to the House of Commons “correctional institute” before you know it. What a pity someone EXEMPTED the House of Commons from Freedom of Information – no one will EVER find you!

Day 2329: Freedom From Freedom Redux!

Friday:


Day TWO in the job and Mr Frown is RAPIDLY developing a reputation as the GREAT PRETENDER! PRETENDING to be in favour of something in public while PULLING SECRET STRINGS behind our backs to make sure that they are blocked, undermined and STOMPED ON!

Challenged by Sir Mr the Merciless to put a stop to the SINISTER Conservatory moves to UNDERMINE Freedom, Mr Frown has REFUSED, saying… no, I'm wrong, HAVING A SPOKESPERSON SAY FOR HIM(!):

"If MPs have voted this measure through then that is a matter for them."

Are you not an MP then, Mr Frown? Has power gone to your head so VERY quickly?!

First it was the leadership election!

Public Pretender Mr Frown: "Oh, I… uhh… would be perfectly happy… uhh… to face a contest."

SECRET STALIN Mr Frown: "Trevor, I want that… uhh… backbencher… uhh… eliminated!"

Now it is the Freedom of Information Act!

Public Pretender Mr Frown: "I want to see… uhh… more openness and… uhh… restore trust to… uhh… our democracy."

SECRET STALIN Mr Frown: "Okay, let's… uhh… round up the boys and… uhh… put a stop to all this… uhh… 'freedom' nonsense!"

The Bill was proposed by Conservatory backbencher Mr David Maclean’s-Toothpaste. His THIN VENEER of an excuse for hanging this monstrous bill around the neck of Parliament was the idea that somehow the Freedom of Information Act might be used to obtain an MP’s confidential correspondence. And not just his EXPENSES BILL.

And yet time and again Liberal Democrat superhero Mr Norman the Baker, with the help of interventions from Mr Power Cable and several other Liberal Democrats, demonstrated that such a risk does not exist! Not only are there EXTENSIVE exemptions in the ALREADY week and watery Act itself, but further protection is provided by the Data Protection Act from 1998. And if that isn’t enough for you, then you can have the belt and braces of the Data Protection (Processing of Sensitive Personal Data) (Elected Representatives) Order 2002.

The CRUX of Mr Toothpaste’s argument was that even with all these protections, some ignorant official might “inadvertently, by accident or design” release some confidence to the public.

Mr the Baker and Mr Hugs and many others pointed out how LUDICROUS this was! If they might release it BY MISTAKE today, how is passing ANOTHER bit of legislation going to stop them doing it BY MISTAKE tomorrow? Add to this the observation of Mr David Heath that IF this is such a problem, WHY have no cases been referred to the Information Commissioner?

Which reminds me, apparently Mr Frown’s chief scarecrow, Mr Man O’Straw had to apologise to the Information Commissioner in the House for, er, slightly fibbing about him having caused this whole problem by ALLOWING such a letter to be released under Freedom of Information. No such thing has ever happened!

And speaking of things that never happen: apparently the story that the Labour were putting around went like this: suppose that an MP in Scotland gets a letter from a constituent; they write to the local council that is (shocked mittens) no longer controlled by the Labour! Then someone on the council tips off a Scots Nasty MSP! Then the MSP uses Freedom of Information legislation to get hold of the original letter so that they can reply to the constituent before the Labour MP can!

Quite WHY anyone would engage in such a POTTY conspiracy ESCAPES ME – but besides, SCOTTISH MSPs have their OWN Freedom of Information Act and it is much better than the one the rest of us are lumbered with!

This was also the point of Ms Jo Swinson who pointed out how completely BONKERS it will be for her correspondence with Scottish public bodies will be covered by Freedom of Information, but writing to – say – the Department of Worthless Pensions (Whitehall Branch) will be exempt.

It is a recipe for CHAOS! In the muddle MORE things are likely to get released “inadvertently, by accident or design”!

Mr Toothpaste himself only spoke the once, and only took interventions from his friends, pointedly turning down Liberal Democrats but taking every opportunity to cast aspersions.

This exchange…

Ms Jo Swinson: “Will the right hon. Gentleman give way?”

Mr David Toothpaste: “No, the hon. Lady has been HARPING ON a little too much this morning.”

…is merely one of the more EGREGIOUS!

He finally goes completely into one:

Mr David Toothpaste: “The Liberal Democrats clearly intend to talk at length today. I intend to sit down in a moment and give them more opportunity to justify their position. If the whole Liberal Democrat party is opposed to this Bill, as its new leader is, it is a little late in the day making its opposition known…”

Oh well why even BOTHER having Parliament DEBATE things? Having slyly slipped it under the radar with a bit of a nod-and-a-wink from the government whips, did he REALLY just expect his Bill to go through on the nod?

You would almost think that no one else was AGAINST this nasty little measure, the way he was ignoring the fact that he was ALSO facing senior opposition from HIS OWN party and from the Labour too. He was clearly on a CRUSADE against Liberalism!

If you do not believe that he had an ULTERIOR MOTIVE, ask yourself the question that MP for VULCAN Mr John Deadwood asked: if Mr Toothpaste was concerned about maintaining the privacy of MPs’ correspondence… why then did he vote AGAINST the amendment that would have limited the scope of his bill to MPs’ correspondence?

The government spent much of the day and several of their speeches in the House protesting that they remained NEUTRAL. I have poured SCORN on the logic of this position before, but the MOST PERTINENT question came from Liberal Democrat Mr David Howarth MP - daddy and I heard it on the PM programme: I think it was a clip from the debate…

"If the government is as they claim neutral, why is it that the majority of members voting in the Aye lobby were government ministers, government whips or opposition whips?!"

Yes, that's right: OPPOSITION WHIPS too. Mr Balloon has been quick to renew his traditional UNHOLY ALLIANCE with the Labour and seal his NEW FRIENDSHIP with Mr Frown… with a SECRET KISS, no doubt!!!

But it is CLEAR where the REAL BLAME for this lies!

A total of seventy-eight Labour MPs supported the Conservatories' bill today. Seventy-eight! When Mr Toothpaste cold only gather EIGHTEEN of his own Conservatories to support his bill! SEVENTY-EIGHT! Including our own MP, the SHAMEFUL Mr Jim Fitzpatrick, aka ROBOT JIM! We were hardly surprised to see Mr Stephen "I'll Do Anything for a Pound" Pound in the Aye lobby, but the MP that daddy Alex stood against in Leyton and Wanstead, Mr Harry Cohen SHOULD KNOW BETTER! SEVENTY-BLEEPING-EIGHT! That is ONE in FIVE of the PLP – almost enough to nominate TWO DWEEBS to be Deputy Stalin!

Voting against the bill and FOR FREEDOM where nine Liberal Democrats, nine from the Labour, five Conservatories, Mr Hywel of the Welsh Nasty Party and Mr Gorgeous Pussycat Leotard.

The Liberal Democrats to be CONGRATULATED are:

Mr Norman the Baker,
Ms Lovely Burt,
Mr Tim Farron,
Ms Sandra Giddy,
Ms Julia Worth-her-weight-in-Goldsworthy
Dr Evan Elp Us Harris,
Mr David Howarth,
Mr Simon Hugs,
Ms Susan Kramer vs Kramer

Also, Ms Jo Swinson and Mr Alan Reid who were doing the counting up.

Honourable mentions too to Mr Lemming Icepick and Dr Power Cable who were present during at least some of the debate.

We managed to field a whole 20% of our Parliamentarians there, but at least every one of them voted the right way!

(And the REST of you can go and HANG YOUR HEADS!)

"This is a DAY OF SHAME!" said the Liberal Democrat’s Mr David Heath.

And he is RIGHT!

Day 2307: Sir Mr the Merciless Fights for Freedom!

Thursday:


Hurrah! for Sir Mr the Merciless who has been prompted into swift action to defend the Freedom of Information Act.

He stood up in the House of Commons yesterday and challenged Lord Blairimort over the bill introduced by a Conservatory backbencher that would make Parliament EXEMPT from answering DIFFICULT questions like "what did you spend your expenses on?"

Sir Menzies asked: "Do you support this shoddy bill. Yes or no?"

This is just the sort of thing that I was calling for yesterday! May I modestly suggest that I am an ELEPHANT OF INFLUENCE once again!

Lord Blairimort REFUSED to give a straight answer – no wonder we need a Freedom of Information Act!

"I am not going to express a view on this," he said.

Are you not A MEMBER of the House of Commons, Lord Blairimort?

Do you not have an INTEREST in whether you have to answer questions put to you or not?

Do you not have a VOTE on the issue in question? Aren't we ENTITLED to know how you intend to cast it?

Do you actually BELIEVE in the Act that your own government passed, or are you trying to get the Conservatories to water it down EVEN MORE for you by the BACK DOOR?

Here is Sir Mr the Merciless' OWN verdict on the Prime Monster's FAILURE TO ANSWER!

Only effective Freedom of Information will restore trust in our government after all the years of the Labour and their SPIN.

But in fact, instead of answering questions in the open, the questions the people WANT answered, the Labour government CONTINUES to employ underhand off-the-record methods to try and push its agenda.

Earlier in the week, policeperson Mr Peter Clarke warned that LEAKS and BRIEFINGS about ongoing TERRORISM cases damaged the police's investigations and might even put people's LIVES at risk!

Now, Liberal Democrat Mr Nick Clogg has produced a dossier of examples of leaks like this coming out of the GOVERNMENT! Stories that were given to the press but later turned out to be PREMATURE or INACCURATE!

Lord Blairimort rejected calls for an inquiry.

He just does NOT like answering questions, does he?


The Newsnight Show caught Lord Blairimort on camera the other day. "Told any more lies?" came a heckled question. "No, I'll leave that to someone else," was Lord Blairimort's laconic response.

Over to you, Mr Frown…

Day 2305: Freedom From Freedom From Déjà vu

Tuesday:


MAN THE BARRICADES, SIR MR THE MERCILESS!

Another UNDEAD CONSERVATORY is on the rampage!

Despite the excellent efforts of our own Professor Van Helsing, Mr Norman the Baker, the Bill to Exempt Parliament from Telling People What They Are Up To has returned… FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!

I want to see sixty-five Liberal Democrat BUMS on SEATS in the House of Commons this Friday, all of you with good, LONG speeches! And if you're not there, I shall be wanting to see a note from your MUMMIES and DADDIES. This includes YOU, Sir Mr the Merciless!


We have already heard from Lord Blairimort's new Minister of Justice, Lord Charlie Chum, who insists that the government will be NEUTRAL on this. Neutral? Neutral! Neutral!?!?! On a bill that's trying to overturn one of your MANIFESTO PLEDGES?

When the question is: "will you defend your own Freedom of Information Bill or won't you?", then "We will remain neutral" is a "NO".

Still, it's not like we can expect more from the people who brought us SINGING CCTV and whose response to the HOME OFFICE CRISIS is to hand Charlie Chum an AXE and tell him to GET CHOPPING!

On the other fluffy foot, this could be the perfect test of Mr Balloon's new "responsibility" – will he accept that MPs have to behave responsibly and be SEEN to behave responsibly? Will he, in other words, tell his man, Mr David McClean, to DROP IT?

It is an INTERESTING TEST, do you not think? Let us see who turns up.

And REMEMBER Liberal Democrats – I am not just counting ON you; I will be counting you UP too!

Day 2301: Freedom from Freedom of Information

Friday:


Hooray for the Liberal Democrats, and in particular Mr Norman the Baker MP, who not only bakes the bestest sticky buns in the whole of the House of Commons, he has also scuppered a Conservatory's attempt to get MPs out of having to answer Freedom of Information questions!

Yes, it seems that in Mr Balloon "new" Conservatory Party, the commitment to open and honest government extends about as far as not letting anyone see your expenses claims.

Though it is a BIT ironic that they should try to reduce the reach of free public inquiry in the same week that they tried (and failed) to nobble Mr Frown using information received BY USING the Freedom of Information Act.

They may have HEARD of the Goose that laid the Golden Eggs, but presumably they would like to repeal the Hunting Act in order to go and SHOOT IT!

It had been a bit of a worry that the government might allow this to slip through, what with their not being so very fond of Freedom of Information themselves.

(I am, incidentally, always ASTONISHED when the Labour get caught doing something bad and say "ah, but we brought in the Freedom of Information Act that you used to catch us with!" as though this is an excuse for all NAUGHTY BEHAVIOUR.

Isn't this is a bit like a BURGLAR saying "ah, but I left my fingerprints all over the scene of the crime so that you could catch me!")


As Liberal Democrat MP Mr Steve "World Wide" Webb commented earlier:

"Given that Parliament passed the legislation in the first place, it seems a bit rich for MPs to seek to avoid being covered by it."

He was worried that this would give MPs a BAD NAME, and RIGHTLY SO!

In a proper democracy, people need to be free to ask their government and legislators what they are doing and why they have done it! It seems that neither the Conservatories not the Labour really understand this. They think that asking questions is either IMPERTINENT and EMBARRASSING or an EXPENSIVE waste of TIME and MONEY.

In fact, MPs should have to answers our questions so that we know when THEY are wasting of time and money… because it is OUR time and money that they would be wasting! It ought to be impertinent and embarrassing NOT to answer your constituents' questions.

I am SURE that no one LIKES having to justify their expenses claims, but if we didn't then we could ALL just dip a fluffy foot into the petty cash jar and help ourselves. Where would we be then? In PRISON, that's where – at least if Nice Mr Dr Reid found out!

Fortunately thanks to Mr Norman the Baker, MPs were able to flibbleboost… fibulestibule… fibblybubble.. talk and talk until time ran out so that the Bill had to go to the back of the queue again and now will almost certainly disappear.

It is a GOOD THING that that Pink Dog wasn't in there REDUCING their speeches, isn't it!


Read more about the EXCELLENCE of Mr Norman the Baker from Mr Councillor Stephen Tall.


Meanwhile, in UNRELATED NEWS, the police have handed a file to the Crown Prosecution Service over the Cash for Coronets affair.

Where we go from here depends on whether the Crown Prosecution Service decides to Prosecute the Crown. Maybe we can use the Freedom of Information Act to find out!