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...a blog by Richard Flowers
Showing posts with label cars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cars. Show all posts

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Day 4317: JAMES BOND: Skyfall

Friday:

Hooray! I have a new THEME SONG to sing along to!

"We've got Trifle...
"We've got crumble..."
"We've got pies full...
"To eat all...
"Together!"

Yes, it's celebration time. And not just my Daddies' anniversary. You didn't think I wouldn't get in to see the newest James Bond film, did you?

The thing is, before I can tell you all about it, there's a fairly MASSIVE SPOILER (no, not the one about Naomie Harris; the REALLY big one).

So what CAN I tell you?

M drives a Jaguar XF in British Racing Green. I mention this for no reason...


Yes, we have an ejector seat.

OK, spoilers-ho! You have been warned.

There's something very odd going on with time in Bond's continuity.

For a start, the familiar set up at the end of this film – M, Tanner, Moneypenny, the wood-panelled office – all feels as though this is bringing us back to the beginning, and the start of Dr No. Which makes Bond's timeline into a weird Möbius loop in which he goes on to have the adventures we've seen earlier, until ultimately the new M is replaced by a woman who sees Bond as a sexist, misogynist dinosaur.

But then there's the car. The DB5, the most famous car in the world. It would make sense for the Aston Martin that Craig's Bond uses to make his escape with M to be the one that he won from the short-tempered Dimitrios in "Casino Royale". But then it's got the ejector seat. For that matter it's got the machine guns! Are we supposed to understand that this is the car that Q (Desmond Llewellyn) gave to Bond back when he was Sean Connery? Does that mean that all of the adventures that happened to "earlier" Bonds have now happened to this Bond between "Casino Royale" and "Skyfall"? And, as an aside, if he's ditching the Jag because it's a company car... isn't the Aston Martin just as much of a company car? Or are we supposed to conclude that he's read the files from the Connery era and been... tinkering... with the car from "Casino Royale"? Well, as he says to this year's in-every-sense-fabulous villain Silva, everyone needs a hobby.

In fairness, it seems very odd that after "Casino Royale" was about Bond's origin story, his first mission, and the "Quantum of Solace" took place immediately afterwards, starting literally minutes after the point where "Casino Royale" finished, meaning that they both take place over a course of a few weeks at the start of Bond's double-oh career, then suddenly "Skyfall" is talking about him as a washed up, out of date, past-it old man.

Of course, in part, that's because this film is discussing Bond – and the Secret Service in a wider sense – as to whether they still have any relevance in a post-Empire, post-Cold War world. There's some irony there, in that Judi Dench's M came in in "Goldeneye" describing Bond as a relic of the Cold War and here she is now defending the service and the double-oh section on the grounds they are more needed than ever.

Does the world need an Empire to look after it? Does it need Britain? We certainly don't seem to have done that good a job. Just as Bond, old, tired, half-broken is a symbol of what we think we still are, Silva is emblematic of all the sordid little compromises we've made just to get along. Your sins will find you out, indeed.

"Fiat justitia ruat caelum"

"Let Justice be Done, though the Sky fall"

This is the dilemma presented at the conclusion of Moore and Gibbons' seminal "Watchmen": the World has been saved from nuclear armageddon by a grand deception, but that deception itself was a crime that cost millions of lives. Justice – personified by the vigilante Rorschach – demands that the perpetrator of that crime be exposed and punished, even though the inevitable consequence will be the unravelling of the fragile, new-formed peace and almost certainly the end of the World.

"Skyfall", the twenty-third James Bond film, starts from a similar choice. Not, admittedly, on the same scale, but coming from the same place. M commits an injustice, handing over one of her own agents to the Chinese, knowing he would go to torture and death, in return for six other agents and a peaceful hand-over of Hong Kong. One of those dirty little diplomatic compromises that see innocent people chewed up and spat out by the system in the name of the greater good.

M justifies this – to Bond, to herself – by picking an agent, Tiago Rodriguez, who was exceeding his brief, doing a little work for himself on the side. But recall her first scene, her very first scene back in "GoldenEye" with an older, more cynical Bond:

"If you think I haven't got the balls to send a man out to die, then you're dead wrong. But I won't do it on a whim."

With hindsight (or retcon) she's not talking about what she might do (to Bond) but what she has already done.

Rodriguez however survives to reinvent himself as cyber-terrorist Raoul Silva (Javier Bardem), an alarmingly-what-have-you-done-to-your-hair-bleach-blond ambisexual with a topical penchant for revealing the innermost secrets of the Secret Service – in the memorable phrase of the Metro's reviewer "half Julian Assange, half Julian Clary".

Silva's pronounced accidie – not to mention sexual ambivalence – is a reflection of Bond's creator, Ian Fleming, and many of the characters he wrote, especially the villains, where sexual deviancy as much as ethnicity was linked to moral corruption, charming old bigot that he was. Bond's response – "what makes you think this is my first time?" – is a "fifty-seven academics just punched the air" moment, reflecting the oft-asserted suggestion that Bond himself may be an over-compensating closet homosexual (again, allegedly, like Fleming himself).

In the movies, Bond Villains tend to fall into one of two categories: the charismatic "masterminds" like Drax ("Moonraker"), Stromberg ("The Spy Who Loved Me"), Goldfinger (hazard a guess) or, of course, Blofeld (five out of the first seven movies); and the "anti-Bonds" such as "Red" Grant ("From Russia With Love"), Colonel Moon's alter-ego Gustav Graves (in "Die Another Day"), or Alex "Janus" Trevelyan from "GoldenEye".

Silva clearly falls into the latter category (though, actually, the "anti-Bonds" have become much more common in these days when we expect baddies to do their own physical brutality without the need for henchmen).

"Skyfall" hinges around the scene in the middle, literally and metaphorically at the heart of the film, where Bond is tied to a chair and introduced to Silva, his opposite, for the first time. Not so much a clash of personalities – or even a homoerotic seduction – as a presentation of two mutually-exclusive worldviews.

"Mommy was very bad," says Silva.

"She never lied to me," asserts Bond.

Did she lie, when she said Bond passed his MI6 assessments? Or did he lie to the assessments, faking his low scores in the knowledge that the Service had been penetrated by someone easily capable of discovering his results? Either that or Bond stages a truly remarkable recovery once back in the field, eliminating six of Silva's men in as many seconds before holding the man himself at gunpoint while the helicopter cavalry arrive.

Of course, she tells lies to him all the time. But that's not the point.

From the very beginning, the relationship between M and Bond, that is between this M and this Bond, has been characterised by deception. He has repeatedly shown the ability to penetrate her defences, to her flat, to her computer, to her real meaning behind the words she uses. His talent is either impossible or something in which she has connived. Similarly, she has repeatedly given him orders to do one thing while anticipating that he will do what she really wants instead. She gives him purpose. He gives her deniability.

What Bond is saying is that there is a deeper truth to his relationship with M, one they have not, possibly cannot have, acknowledged. M has never misused Bond. Not even when she gives the order – "take the bloody shot!" – that sees him knocked off a train and believed drowned. He's aggrieved that she didn't trust him to do the job on his own, but he also implicitly understands that "licence to kill" means "licence to be in the line of fire".

A brief digression: during the fight in the lair of the Komodo Dragons – yes, Komodo Dragons are this year's piranha fish – when Bond effects his escape by using one's back as a step, it occurred to me, "hey, isn't that the alligator scene from 'Live and Let Die'?" and I began to wonder if there aren't references to all the other Bond films, a game played as recently as "Die Another Day", the twentieth in the sequence.

It's quite possible that once you start looking for these things, then you end up reading them in whether they are there or not, so when Bond's response to Ben Wilshaw as the new Q is "You must be joking" (as Connery to Desmond Llewellyn in "Goldfinger") or you see the unlikely return of the signature gun from "Licence to Kill" you think you're onto something, but then you find yourself thinking is Sévérine armed with a Beretta as a reference to the gun M takes off Bond in "Dr No." and then you're reduced to bluffing "didn't Silva mention something about redirecting a satellite" as a nod to the central plot of "Tomorrow Never Dies".

In spite of that, Alex felt that there were particularly strong echoes of the Pierce Brosnan years.

And that's quite appropriate because those are also the Judi Dench years.

So, in particular, as a former SIS agent, literally burned by the Service, scarred and obsessed with (from their point of view) betrayal, Silva is an almost exact match for the villain of her first movie, Sean Bean's two-faced 006; while the personal history with M brings to mind Sophie Marceau's Electra in "The World is Not Enough".

The repeated theme of the post-1990 Bonds has of course been "what is the point of you any more"; "GoldenEye" very strongly playing the before/after the fall of communism card, while the New World Order, particularly the rise of China, is the backdrop of both "Tomorrow Never Dies" and "Die Another Day". While, again, "The World is Not Enough" uses a wounded shoulder as a repeated reference to Bond's aging and the damage that his life does to his body.

Though if we're speaking of thematic similarities, the other Bond film that comes to mind is "For Your Eyes Only", with "Skyfall" resonating thematically with the 1981 film's motifs of revenge and an older Bond.

"For Your Eyes Only" saw Roger Moore's Bond placing flowers on the grave of his wife Tracy, not only a part of that film's recognition that Bond was a man with "a past", but also the first time the series had made even an implied statement that Moore's Bond was the same man to whom the events of "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" had happened. (In contrast with "Live and Let Die" which had gone out of its way to suggest Moore's agent could be a different man, drinking whisky instead of martini, armed with a huge Smith and Wesson rather than the Walther and so on.) Similar intimations of mortality are shot through "Skyfall", starting from the foreshadowing of Bond's concern that a wounded fellow agent will bleed to death before medical help can arrive, through his bearded reappearance – like his own ghost – in M's house, and via the word in passing that M's husband (seen – ish – in "Casino Royale") has died, to the graves at the chapel on the Skyfall estate in Scotland.

That progression reminds me just how long this movie is. At 143 minutes it's technically a minute shorter than "Casino Royale". But it's a lot longer than the 108 minutes of "Quantum of Solace".

And while "Quantum of Solace" felt like little more than an extended pre-title sequence, "Skyfall" feels like at least three Bond films in one: the pre-titles that does the now-traditional Craig era free-running escapades but bigger and bolder (as with the trip to Venice in "Casino Royale", this chase round Istanbul seems to suggest that you can't go wrong when returning to the locations of "From Russia With Love"); the trip to Macau and Shanghai and then by junk to Silva's island, which is very much "The Man with the Golden Gun"; Silva's "he wanted us to catch him" plot, which is a mash up of "Silence of the Lambs", "Day of the Jackal" and, as almost everyone has spotted, the Joker's twisty-turny plot from "The Dark Knight"; and then the final "Home Alone" section. (Somehow I'd guessed from Adele's lyrics that "Skyfall" – like "Goldeneye" in the real world – would be the name of a house.)

The colour tones for each section are quite distinct too, the bright sunlight of Istanbul (before the fall); the super-saturated lighting, be it neons in Macau, fireworks in Shanghai or over-bright sun in the Island, all suggesting an unreal, exotic, other world; giving way to the greys of rain-soaked Britain. As night comes in in the last third it feels cold and oppressive in a way that it didn't in the Far East parts.

Pastiche of Nolan (Silva's island, like something devastated by a tsunami, is as reminiscent of "Inception" as the later plot twists are of "The Dark Knight") is clearly the new pastiche of Bourne. But about that plot-within-a-plot. The Joker, in "The Dark Knight" has an endgame beyond the exigencies of getting himself locked up so that he can get into the secure prison cells of the Gotham PD. That's all just one more step on the way to making himself top dog of Gotham's criminal underworld (and putting that underworld back in charge, the way it was before Batman).

Silva has no such overriding aim. His motives appear to begin and end with taking revenge – or, from his point of view, seeing justice done – by having M humiliated and killed. Which makes the whole business seem ridiculously overcomplicated. For goodness' sake, he's got a bomb planted set to derail a passing tube train just on the off-chance that someone manages to work out how he's got out of MI6, decrypt his computer map, work out where he's going and chase him through the tunnels and the tube to get there. That's serious planning in depth.

(And was I alone in being surprised – and a little disappointed – that that tube train wasn't as full of commuters as every other tube train and platform we'd seen up to that point?)

I kept expecting the other shoe to drop, for there to be a reveal of the "diabolical mastermind" behind the scenes, pulling Silva's strings.

In that scene on Silva's island again, the villain explicitly describes his cyber-terrorism as picking his own secret missions "for the highest bidder" which led me to expect him to be acting as an agent or a catspaw for someone else.

At this point you might rightly be thinking of a final-scene cameo from Jesper Christensen as "Mr White", although after the perceived critical failure of "Quantum of Solace", we're sadly unlikely to be seeing him or his SpECTRE-lite buddies again. Sadly, in my view, because SpECTRE would be the final part of re-creating the original "classic" Bond set up.

But the real "obvious suspect" was Ralph Fiennes (here playing Lord Voldemort in a very grumpy mood in spite of getting his nose back – actually, his character's name is Mallory, but I kept thinking of him as a Marlow. As in Kit.). His backstory places him in charge in Northern Ireland and even "Spooks" uses that as code for "a bit dodgy" whenever they want Harry to be a bit more shades of grey. Plus, he ends up with M's job – how is he not obviously the villain?

The fact that he saves M's life, and gets shot in the shoulder for his pains, seems like exactly the sort of "appears to be the hero" Xanatos Gambit you'd expect from a master manipulator.

In fact, Silva bursting into the inquiry, guns blazing, doesn't appear to serve any purpose other than giving Mr Fiennes his "I know an awful lot about intelligence and I can save you from terrorists" moment.

(And to show that, for all their supposed brilliance, when it comes down to it neither Silva nor Bond can shoot a moving target from three feet away.)

For the first half of the movie, the McGuffin – oddly forgotten in the second half – has been a list of all NATO agents embedded within terrorist cells (initially on the hard drive Bond and Eve struggle to recover in the pre-titles; later in possession of M's mysterious enemy whom Bond seeks to trace). Cheekily, this is clearly the "NOC list" plot device of the first "Mission: Impossible" film. But also, as M's debriefing with Lord Voldemort stresses, it's a list that the Secret Service shouldn't have ought to have had, and that our allies do not know we possessed.

This is the sin that will bring M down – something that the film doesn't properly emphasise – that she will be exposed for spying on our friends, an act of betrayal.

Silva's discovery that MI6 have acquired this list must precipitate the events of the film. His possession of the list is what gives him the leverage to precipitate the public inquiry.

But, given that he can and does blow up M's office whenever he likes, he doesn't need to do that just to "draw her out". If he just wants to kill her, he could have done that at any time. So he must want the inquiry to judge her and find her guilty.

So doesn't attacking M at the inquiry rather undermine his aim to see her humiliated and fired by that inquiry?

Rather he makes her point for her: that enemies can spring out of the shadows anywhere.

(Rather like the Doctor in "The Trial of a Time Lord", this is the sort of thing that usually ends up with the accused being cleared of all charges in spite of clear evidence of wrongdoings on the grounds that the baddies have proved them to be sort of right. About something or other.)

But what happens here? Cui bono?

After terrorist gunmen attack a Parliamentary inquiry and a disastrous attack on the London Underground (even if there isn't anyone but the driver on that tube), it would be astonishing not to see a huge increase in funds to our first and possibly only line of defence: the Secret Service. Just look at what happened post-September 11. Or Post-July 7. With M herself forced to retire by revelations – or even killed by the terrorists – surely it's all going to fall into the lap of her successor.

And indeed it does. It's just there's never that moment of revelation when he "does the evil voice".

(Actually, as Alex remarks, Fiennes spends most of the film in the nice three-piece suit he wore as Steed in the "The Avengers" movie. No, not the one that's taken more than a billion dollars at the box office. The other one. Along with M being taken for an "Emma"; the same psychiatrist, Nicholas Woodeson (playing Dr Darling/Dr Hall), along to do the evaluations; and the coda beginning with Bond on the roof of Whitehall in just about the place where Mother takes tea with Steed and Mrs Peel at the end of "The Avengers" it's kind of hard not to think of this as a takeover of one British spy franchise by another, rather more stylish, one. And "M" could stand for "Mother".)

Also, isn't Bond's ploy to lure Silva to Skyfall with "a trail of breadcrumbs that only Silva could follow" a bit redundant given that to the best of his knowledge only Silva is following them?

Of course the most surprisingly overlooked suspect is... Bond himself. With his own "death" as motive, and his previously established ability to walk in and out of M's secrets giving him means and opportunity, it's a shocking oversight that it isn't even mentioned that he might be the one doing this. Even if it was only for him to raise the issue and M say that she'd already thought of that.

It will take time, and a good many more viewings, before I can decide whether this, like "Casino Royale", is a truly great Bond movie. (Though I can tell at once that it's a huge improvement on "Quantum of Solace".) As with "Casino Royale", they've concentrated on telling an emotional story about Bond's relationships, and in Daniel Craig they have an actor well able to portray those emotions through minimalist quirks. They've also allowed him to have a little more fun with the character, and unlike Timothy Dalton in "The Living Daylights" (who you can see wince every time he has to deliver one) Craig clearly enjoys the occasional quip.

He also has a brilliant chemistry with his "Bond Girl", Judi Dench, who obviously steals the show and all of the expletives. She gets to write Bond's obituary, closer to the original book of "You Only Live Twice" than the Roald Dahl-penned movie (and doesn't this make it thrice if he's supposed to be the same Bond?). There's a case to be made that that big spoiler at the end here is as big a trauma for this Bond as the death of Tracy was for his earlier incarnation in "On Her Majesty's Secret Service".

Both of the other women – Naomie Harris and Bérénice Marlohe – get to play a mix of strong and vulnerable, and also sexy, without (I hope I'm right) being demeaned by this. I found myself, against expectations, warming to Ben Whishaw as Q – I'd not liked him in "The Hour", though I had in "Richard II" – with a larger part than I'd expected too. (Madam!) Though only a moron would connect a known cyber-terrorist's laptop to the SIS mainframe and not expect what happens to happen. Javier Bardem as Silva is terrifying and also hilarious, often both at once (though I bet people thought the same of Mr Wint and Mr Kidd in "Diamonds are Forever" at the time too).

This is Daniel Craig's third decent Bond film... assuming you count "Happy and Glorious". Apparently, rumour has it, he has signed up for another two Bond flicks, possibly a two-parter. In which case, on the strength of this, I am delighted to agree with "Skyfall's" closing caption:

JAMES BOND WILL RETURN
.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Day 3215: Electric Dreams

Tuesday:


Pardon my Eighties flashback, but: "I like driving in my car" PLUS "Together in Electric Dreams" EQUALS have the Chinese found a way to Save the World, with a new electric car that can, allegedly, do 250 miles on one charge and up to 100mph?

Shouldn't we be checking this out with some urgency, 'cos if it's TRUE then it will be a BIG HELP towards cutting CO2 emissions*.

Just as importantly, isn't this EXACTLY the sort of thing that WE should be making? New car plants PLUS zero-carbon cars EQUALS hello new economic miracle. And that's VERY Eighties!

(*so long as you remember to use renewable for GENERATING your electric battery juice!)
PS:
Bless the BBC for their up-to-date-i-tude, but here is the Grauniad with the same story six months earlier.

And here is Treehugger at the launch a year before that!

Look, if we've KNOW about this super-whizzy long-life battery for THAT long, why the FLUFF are we not URGENTLY tooling up to match the technology?!?!?!


.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Day 2662: Biofuel Bad

Tuesday:


(All that typing about Master Gideon left my nose VERY tired last week, so there are GAPS in my diary again that I've got to fill in.)

A new law came in saying that all petrol for cars must now include something called BIOFUELS.

What this means is… you know how OIL and COAL got made by lots and lots of plants getting buried under the Earth and millions and millions of years of SQUISHING going on to squeeze them into OIL? Well, the idea is to cut out the GEOLOGICAL middle-man and make oil straight from the plants.

On the face of it, that might seem like quite a good idea. Instead of unlocking carbon deposits from under the Earth, we would be locking up the CO2 first before releasing it, the very definition of carbon neutral.

Except, of course, processes like that are RARELY 100% efficient, so you wouldn't be REALLY completely neutral.

Farmers in Europe, America and even Brazil, for years cursed with GRAIN MOUNTAINS, WINE LAKES and BUTTER ESCARPMENTS have seen the development of bio-ethanol as a great BOON, because it is a way for them to greatly increase the economic value of their land: rather than being subsidised to not use it, they can get a good price for a fuel crop and by reducing the amount of cereal on the market, get a better price for that too. It sounds like a WIN-WIN scenario until you remember that that better price for the farmer means that it has cost SOMEONE more to eat.

And if you think about it you don't have MILLIONS of years' worth of plants storing up sunlight energy in their carbohydratey goodness, you only have THIS year's crop.

But this year's crop is ALREADY looking a bit too THIN to feed all of the animals and people and animals-that-will-go-to-feed-people without taking out a great area of land to grow car food.

Even if it wasn't for current crises in farming like drought and poor harvests, the simple fact is that there are just too many people.

Leaders in Latin America have issued a warning that using growing land for fuel crops instead of food is harming some of the poorest people in the world and there have even been RIOTS in Haiti.


Anyway, you probably already know that my PREFERRED alternative is to use untapped sources of RENEWABLE ENERGY (like windmills) to turn water into easily-portable* Hydrogen (plus spare Oxygen in the air) to use in fuel cells that turn the Hydrogen (with Oxygen from the air) back into water and energy.

(*No, don't think Hindenburg; liquid Hydrogen is no more dangerous than Petrol… which means QUITE dangerous but within acceptable and controllable limits.)

Friday, October 12, 2007

Day 2473: My Next Car

Wednesday:


Now, I KNOW that I am TOO LITTLE to have my own car JUST YET, but this prototype looks VERY COOL! And – more importantly – because it uses HYDROGEN FUEL it has ZERO Carbon Dioxide emissions from driving.

Posted by Picasa


Its makers, General Motors (who actually own Vauxhall so they sort of made Daddy's tank Penfold, too), have created a "Project Driveway" to give over a hundred drivers Fuel Cell cars like this for a year.

HINT HINT!

Maybe Daddy could try one out for me!

HINT HINT!

Failing that, and since it IS a prototype, maybe by the time that the production model is ready I will be all grown up!

Meanwhile, I hear that Honda are developing a Home Refuelling Station – initially for use with their natural gas hybrid Civic, but eventually for Hydrogen Fuel too. Basically it is a box the size of the TARDIS that you plug in and it separates water into hydrogen and oxygen, essentially the reverse of the process by which the Fuel Cell turns hydrogen into water and electric power for the car.

Now, I know what you are thinking – that's going to need a lot MORE electricity, and that electricity is going to come from somewhere that probably ISN'T carbon neutral. You are RIGHT!

But let us not get too up in arms about this. Remember first that this is a MEANS to an END, not the final end itself, and if we are aiming to convince people to switch over to a Hydrogen-powered emissions-free car, then this is something that will make it EASIER while we wait for somebody to please start installing Hydrogen Petrol stations everywhere.

Of course, in the end it will probably be more efficient to electrolyse water into hydrogen and oxygen AT the green power station – so you do not lose power transmitting it through cables. (Though you also have to transport the hydrogen safely too – so there is a balance to be found.)

Also, more and more of our electricity WILL be being generated from RENEWABLE sources. For example, plans are going ahead this year for two of the largest wind farms in the world.

After a public inquiry, the government have given permission for (specifically the substation that will connect to) a huge wind farm in the Thames Estuary between Essex and Kent called the London Array. Three-hundred and forty-one majestic windmills will generate power for three-quarters of a million homes and potentially save one-and-a-half million tons of CO2 emissions.

And an even (slightly) larger farm of three-hundred and fifty windmills called the Atlantic Array is planned for the North Devon coast.

Each of these huge projects is capable of generating a whole 1% of the UK's electricity.

Yes, I know (again) – a whopping 2%; we have a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG way to go. But it is a beginning.

As the old Chinese Proverb goes – the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step… into your shiny new Hydrogen Fuel car!

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Day 2459: Cyber Cars and Homing Crocodiles

Wednesday:


The people of Daventry in Northamptonshire are planning an experiment to cut congestion and pollution by introducing a fleet of ELECTRIC ROBOT TAXIS that will come at the push of a button and take you to your destination before finding their way home again.

Meanwhile in Australia, scientists are questioning the policy of shipping crocodiles off away from popular beaches to remote areas after discovering that the dinosaur-outliving reptiles can be taken to a remote destination before finding their way home again.

Saaaay, you don't think there's a CONNECTION do you?

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Day 2389: To the Big Brother Mobile!

Tuesday:


Our new Home Secretay, Ms Jacqui Spliff[*], has decided to allow the police to use road cameras to track our EVERY WAKING MOVEMENT!

This is of course only a temporary measure… until they can fit us all with GPS trackers in our HEADS to monitor everything we are THINKING too!

Ms Spliff gave us the USUAL excuse, TELLING us that this is because we are facing an "UNPRECEDENTED" threat from terrorists.

Now I thought that everyone was pretty much agreed that the lastest bunch of terrorists to crawl out of the woodwork were actually PRETTY RUBBISH. They are only "UNPRECEDENTED" in how BAD they are at exploding things, particularly when you compare them to the villains of the old IRA who regularly used to blow up large buildings like the Baltic Exchange in the City or South Quay on the Isle of Dogs. I do not mean to downplay the threat here, but we do appear to be facing people who cannot explode a car when it is ALREADY ON FIRE!

Under the circumstances do we REALLY want to be abandoning our liberty to drive where we want without the state taking a PRURIENT interest?

But ANYWAY, this document that the Home Office let slip is about giving the police powers to use the cameras to follow ANYONE they suspect of doing anything criminal. i.e. anyone who looks that them funny. So does this mean that they're going to start tracking people who break the speed limit? Double park? Commit DWB, as the Americans put it? You could find yourself a part of almost any criminal investigation just because you happened to be driving past.

And that's without mentioning those people who might have reasons to WANT a bit of privacy – say, because they are on their way to visit their CANNABIS DEALER!

[*] Yes, and so did Mr Ruth Kelly and Mr Alistair Eyebrow-hair Darling – bet you never thought THEY would be INTERESTING!




In other news, Anne the Elephant, Britain's last touring elephant, has been banned from performing.

She is reported to be "disappointed" that she will no longer be being fired from a cannon into the audience…

Who needs drugs when we have stories like this in the news!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Day 2311: Car Made Bon

Monday:


Last year I told you about Daddy Richard's car, Penfold, and the nasty Carbon Dioxide. I said how we went online and found a website that would let us buy a CARBON OFFSET, to cancel out all of Daddy's BADNESS.

It is called a Carbon Offset because it makes your Car Bon! (This is a joke in FRENCH!)

Well, that was LAST YEAR. It is time that I gave you an UPDATE!

Daddy has just got a nice letter from Mr Frown demanding more CAR TAX – which Daddy could pay on the Wibbly Wobbly Web this year because Mr Frown's SINISTER AGENTS have been keeping an eye on Daddy's MOT and insurance – and so I have pestered Daddy into updating his Carbon Offset TOO.


Last year, when we looked, Penfold had driven 22,943 miles which is the same as 36,923 kilometres. That is an average of about three-thousand-and-three-hundred miles a year, or five-thousand-and-three-hundred kilometres a year if you prefer.

We worked out that at 265 grammes of carbon dioxide for every kilometre this was 9.785 tonnes in total! So we bought 9.8 tonnes of carbon offset.

This year, we have checked Penfold's mileage again and it has gone up to 26,549 miles equals 42,726 kilometres. This means Daddy has driven another three-thousand-and-six-hundred miles this year, which is a bit up on the average. I think it is because we have been going up and down to Personchester a bit more often.

Doing the maths like last year, we worked out that this means that Daddy's total carbon footprint from Penfold has increased to 11.323 tonnes, an increase of 1.538 tonnes.

I have therefore made Daddy buy another 1.6 tonnes of offset in order to NEUTRALISE himself again!



Condensed version: "bought more Carbon Offset 'cos Daddy hasn't stopped driving!"

PS

Happy Beltane, everyone!


Thursday, February 22, 2007

Day 2243: Don't You Just HATE It When You Click REPLY ALL By Mistake?

Wednesday:


So there was Lord Blairimort having a little natter over the e-mail when, whoops, he goes and spams 1.8 million people. Oops!

That Blairimort e-mail in full:

"Tidy this up for me would you … Inspector Knacker's on his way round… I don't have time to deal with it… tell 'em to sod off and then double the road tax on anyone with an e-mail account."

Okay, Lord Blairimort's REAL e-mail was rather more fulsome… as in full of some of his usual GUFF.

I will try to pick out the IMPORTANT bits, and explain them:


Thank you for taking the time to register your views

[Your e-mail address has been added to the Labour campaign database; a note has been made on your MI5 file.]

…this is not about imposing "stealth taxes" or introducing "Big Brother" surveillance.

[those are just handy side-effects]

We are, for now, working with some local authorities… And funds raised from these local schemes will be used to improve transport in those areas

[remember this for later]

One thing I suspect we can all agree is that congestion is bad.

[also puppies are cute, trees are pretty, apple pie is yummy, and motherhood generally to be approved of]

Congestion is predicted to increase by 25% by 2015

[How do you compute "congestion" anyway? Is it the same as "traffic"? DO you count the cars on the road? Or is it some measure of how cars on the road are having no fun? Count the cars on the road that are not moving, perhaps? Count the complaints to the National Cone Hotline, maybe?]

Part of the solution is to improve public transport… We're also putting a great deal of effort into improving traffic flows

[statistics blah blah blah… Lord Blairimort loves to pad things out with random figures showing how much MORE he has done than anyone else and how much EVEN more he is going to do in the future]

…we have a difficult choice to make…

[not actually a useful part of the e-mail, but Lord Blairimort always likes to get this in somewhere]

One option would be to allow congestion to grow unchecked… congestion could cost an extra £22 billion in wasted time in England by 2025, of which £10-12 billion would be the direct cost on businesses.

[Surely congestion would check itself eventually? If you build more roads you get more traffic on them because it makes it easier to go by road than find an alternative – wouldn't the REVERSE be true as well? As it gets more expensive to spend your time waiting in a traffic jam than taking another alternative then don't people start to switch? Isn't that what you want?]

A second option would be to try to build our way out of congestion… Tackling congestion in this way would also be extremely costly

[Lord B is WARMING to his theme: if we do not tax you, it will cost you!]

It has been calculated that a national scheme - as part of a wider package of measures - could cut congestion significantly through small changes in our overall travel patterns

[this sounds promising – but what are the "small changes" that are required and might there be some other way of getting people to make them? This is the area that needs explaining!]

any technology used would have to give definite guarantees about privacy being protected

[well, Lord Blairimort's idea is that you should have a bleeper in your car that tells a little box by the roadside everywhere that you go so that the box can send you a charge for using that road. And people are worried that the government would find it just tooooo tempting to use those bleeper boxes to start tracking your car around. But there's an easy answer – swap the system around. If there is a bleeper by the roadside that sends out a price to a box in your car that records them like a taximeter, then the government only needs to know the final price at the end of the year, say when you have your MOT! As a bonus you can see what it is costing you to drive the way you do, and have a better incentive to change your behaviour!]

I know many people's biggest worry about road pricing is that it will be a "stealth tax"… there could be a case for moving away from the current system of motoring taxation.

[unfortunately, earlier on Lord Blairimort said that congestion charging schemes would help pay for more local public transport – I told you to remember that. That IS raising more tax in order to have more SPEND. If you want to change what people choose to do, they have to see the benefit – and cash back in their own pocket is the way they like to see it]

The public will, of course, have their say, as will Parliament.

[There's a first time for everything]

Yours sincerely, Tony Blair

[Strictly speaking, Lord Blairimort, you should sign off with "yours faithfully" if you are not addressing the recipient by name at the top… of course, you've always preferred the way your SINCERITY plays to the perception of your FAITHFULNESS.]


I think cars are LOVELY.

But Daddy has told me how very BAD they are.

But I still LOVE cars.

Maybe we could just wait for TOTAL GRIDLOCK and have all the cars PARKED then they could all sit there NICE and SHINY and with no pollution… no, no, no, that would never work.

Rather than trying to CRISIS MANAGE all this traffic, why not ask ourselves about the ROOT CAUSES. Or ROUTE CAUSES. Why are people travelling more and more, and what is clogging up all the roads that we have already.

The problem with road pricing – the problem with ANY tax that's supposed to change how people behave – is that people have to have an ALTERNATIVE! We have to give people a CHOICE so that they can feel GOOD about it, rather than just PUT UPON.

With one HUGE exception – which I will mention in a moment – we CAN do that. Our towns and cities could have a CONGESTION ZONE each, each with a nice big CAR PARK where people could sit and admire the shiny vehicles leave their cars and travel to work by BUS or HORSE and TRAP or even on FLUFFY FOOT (Daddy carrying me)!

The exception that I mentioned is of course LONDON. London is TOO BIG. Actually, that is just TRUE on its own. But it is also TOO BIG for Daddy to carry me anywhere on foot.

But our public transport is ALREADY stretched to capacity: trains are overpriced and overcrowded; buses are stuck in the same gridlock as the cars; and the London Tube is a many wheeled machine for squashing the happiness out of people.

Too many people are trying to come to London to WORK so what we need is to get them all nice jobs somewhere else.

Mind you, everywhere else people are travelling more and more too – to giant SUPERMARKETS and out of town retail parks where TOYS 'R' US is the size of STANSTEAD AIRPORT. (Which means the walk to the STAR WARS LEGO is too long!)

And all of these supermarkets mean loads and loads more goods on the roads.

What is clogging up the roads?

Well for a start there is LORRIES. Lorries do almost all of the damage to the road surface too, so lorries are the cause of all the resurfacing roadworks which mean even more traffic jams. So for a start you need to think about cutting down on all the STUFF that we are hauling all over the country and shifting as much of the rest off the roads and onto the railways as you can.

Of course, that means you've got to have railways that actually WORK.

It does not help that public transport does not go where people want it to go. Most of the railway lines, for instance, go to London – so you have to go to the capital to go back out again.

Then there are all those BOTTLE-NECKS caused by single-tracking. That was when they were making lots of railway CUTBACKS and the railway lines were turned from double-track (where trains can go both ways at once) to single-track (where you have to wait your turn like ladies at a tea-dance) in order to save half the maintenance. Doesn't half interfere with how many trains you can run on your line though.

And of course, there's the fact that it's almost impossible to make a profit from running a railway thanks to the BONKERS way that the Conservatories privatised it in the first place. Rail operating companies have to pay most of their money to "rent" the trains that they are operating from a train owning company. And then "rent" the track for a slot to run their train on. So no one has any incentive to try and IMPROVE the network – they're all too busy trying to make a buck from THEIR bit of it.

At the moment, it is CHEAPER to drive than to take the TRAIN. (And it is CHEAPER to FLY than to DRIVE!) That has GOT to be BACKWARDS!

What we need is a bit of JOINED UP GOVERNMENT. What we need is a better answer.

If you're REALLY SERIOUS about spending A HUNDRED AND FORTY BILLION POUNDS then why not spend it on something that might REALLY make a difference: build a proper railway freight network to move goods from factories to shops, from farms to markets, from ports to cities, from where things are made to where they are sold. Make it so that no lorry need ever go on a motorway again.

Or failing that, invent the TELEPORTER.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Day 1963: Green Action

Friday:


Daddy Alex has been full of helpful advice this week with several articles about how to "Vote Gold, Go Green"

(LOOK! Even I'M recycling! I've used some of Mr Balloon's old rubbish!)


Daddy Richard, on the other fluffy foot – or to give him his FULL title Beelzedaddy Richard – has been invoking the powers of the pumpkin of darkness and generally bringing on the APOCALYPSE! Yes, he’s been driving around like some kind of crazy person in PENFOLD, who is Daddy's HUGE LOVELY er VERY, VERY BAD 4x4 TANK! And no doubt trying to squash pretty flowers and cover small children in horrid fumes, to boot!

However, I have now pointed out to him that my flat is right next to the RIVER THAMES, so if Daddy is going to go around melting the ICE CAP then we will all be UNDER WATER, and unlike James Bond, Daddy cannot turn his car into a SUBMARINE.

Properly ASHAMED, Daddy has agreed to do something about it.

We have been downstairs to look at Penfold's milometer and it says that he has driven 22,943 miles which equals 36,923 kilometres (which is not so VERY much when you think that that is over the last seven years).

We checked out Penfold's carbon emissions from this website and learned that they are 265 g/km.

(Penfold is a Vauxhall Frontera, Sport RS, manual, petrol, 3 door estate, if you want to check.)

We have to admit that this is FAIRLY AWFUL. The government's current target for car emissions from company cars (which Daddy has to know because it is to do with TAX) is only 140 g/km. A top of the range Toyota Prius has emissions of 104 g/km.

36,923 kilometres TIMES 265 g/km EQUALS 9.785 tonnes of carbon dioxide emissions.

And so Daddy went to this other website and has bought a Carbon Offset of 9.8 tonnes.

We looked quite closely at the website and decided to go for this one rather than a tree planting project because apparently tree planting is only a temporary solution as the carbon gets released again eventually. We are not sure about this and might buy some trees anyway.

If anyone knows of BETTER carbon offset programs then please let me know!


Also, if people are feeling HELPFUL, does anyone have any advice on which is the most ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY electricity company to switch to? Daddy Richard is quite tempted by the people from Ecotricity, but that is because he likes WINDMILLS. Does anyone know who the best green supplier might be?



I am a bit SURPRISED that people are not more excited about the opportunities that GREENING the energy supply will bring. In SCOTLAND, for example, there is a LOT of wind and plenty of access to sea water. Particularly on the ISLANDS. It would be a good idea to use the WIND ENERGY to separate the sea water into Oxygen and Hydrogen and then sell the Hydrogen for FUEL in new CARS.

(Daddy has tried looking at HYBRID motor cars, but they look horrid, so I hope that Hydrogen cars come in quickly and look NICE.)

If we look to the future, this hydrogen industry could replace the oil industry when the oil under the North Sea runs out!

I think that in making our own clean fuel from a limitless source we have a better answer than importing other countries' oil or gas or toxic, radioactive uranium that is going to run out sooner or later anyway.

I do not want Lord Blairimort building new nuclear power stations. I do not think he would be very good at it – everything ELSE he puts together ends up falling apart! – and he might put the Minister for Magical Accidents in charge!

And I particularly do not want him building a new nuclear power station if it is going to be where Mr Simon suggests in his book!

I do not think GLOWING is a good look for me!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Day 1884: Pancake Day

Tuesday:


I should have written this diary yesterday, but Daddy Richard was TOO BUSY playing the STAR WARS game on the computer and wouldn’t let me have a go! He is MEAN!

He says that it is still yesterday in HAWAII. Humph!


Sean Connery's CAR was an Austin Martin DB5 with machine guns and rotating number plates and ejector seat. Roger Moore's CAR was a Lotus Esprit which could turn into a submarine. And Pearce Brosnan's CAR was an Austin Martin Vanquish which could turn invisible! (Which was good because his last car was CHOPPED IN HALF by the BADDIES!!!)

Can you guess what my very MOST FAVOURITE THING in the whole world is?

It's CARS!

Cars are shiny metal boxes in exciting shapes with a wheel at each corner and one in the middle for steering with. Cars are sometimes called Motor Cars because they have a motor in them which makes them go!

I have made Daddy go and look up cars on the Internet. Cars were invented by Herr Karl Benz in Germany on the 3rd of July 1886 (which means that cars are nearly 120 years old). Herr is German, and even though it sounds the same as Hair it does not mean FLUFFY, it is German for Mr.

Daddy Richard’s car is called PENFOLD and Penfold is named after the place when he bought his car (and also after Danger Mouse’s friend!). Penfold is a green Vauxhall Frontera – which means great big TANK to anyone driving a smaller car. Penfold is BAD FORM for a Liberal Daddy because big cars are BAD for the ENVIRONMENT. This is to do with greenhouse GAS – which I think is a polite way of talking about FARTING!

We do not let Daddy use Penfold very often, though, so hopefully that is better.

Elephants have invented GARDENING and SATELLITE TRACKING and all sorts of GOOD stuff, but we have not invented CARS. I THINK this is because we have big flat feet and are VERY GOOD for WALKING everywhere. Anyway, I have to admit that you have one over us there.

Sometimes Daddy Richard lets me sit in his CAR and this is very exciting. Because I am only a little elephant (SO FAR!) my fluffy feet do not reach the pedals so I cannot make Penfold go.

[R:thank the lord!]

I do not think that Penfold has an ejector seat – but I wouldn’t use it anyway because that is Daddy Alex’s seat.

And now Mr Balloon is on the radio. Daddy’s going that funny colour he goes before he starts shouting. I must go and look up the word VACUOUS.




PS

Mr Balloon said he was in favour of NICE things and against NASTY things.

He said he was in favour of saving the ENVIRONMENT because that was NICE

But he was against stopping people from making POLLUTION because that would be NASTY.

My head may be full of wool but this seems sensible to me. I don't know why Daddy is foaming at the mouth!

I have now looked up VACUOUS: Devoid of matter; empty – this is how balloons WORK isn't it!