The Conservatories have made a GREAT DEAL of political capital out of their FALSE claim that the other parties promised a referendum on the Lisbon Treaty and then reneged.
Let's be quite clear: in 2005, NOBODY promised a vote on the Lisbon Treaty, because in 2005 the Lisbon Treaty DID NOT EXIST!
But in 2007, Mr Balloon gave you a "cast-iron guarantee". Mr Balloon is the ONLY one to break his promise.
So it seems only fair that he should be completely made to pay that capital back, and to admit that he was a lying liar all along.
In fact, since it appears that they campaigned on a totally false manifesto for the European elections this year, shouldn't ALL of their MEPs resign with immediate effect?
But DID Mr Balloon admit it? My fluffy bottom he did!
Here's what he had to say for himself:
"Ladies and Bullingdon Clubbers, Proles, Earthlings.
"Yesterday in the Czech Republic, a country far away about which I now care very little, President Santa Klaus signed the Lisbon Treaty and dropped me right in it.
"I know that I promised you a referendum on this treaty. But I'm not going to give you one.
"Why not? Well, let me ask you this: when is a Treaty not a Treaty? When it's a right royal pain in my ass…umption that I will be next Prime Monster.
"Remember, as Humpty Dumpty* once said, 'When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less.'
"So when I say 'Treaty' I don't mean 'an agreement between nations' I mean 'something in the future, the vague threat of which we can use to frighten you into voting for us', and when I say 'cast-iron guarantee' don't mean 'a promise I will absolutely keep' I mean 'whatever will get me in the paper'.
"You see? No?
"Okay, I know, from the many public meetings I've held around the country milking this issue, that many of you will resent the fact that I am going to fold at the first difficulty and break my cast-iron promise.
"So let me make it clear that it is definitely NOT MY FAULT – no, it's Lord Blairimort and Mr Frown! They're the ones who promised you a referendum. So it's their fault.
"And the Liberal Democrats, they totally betrayed you too.
"Let me make that even clearer: ANYONE who promised you a referendum – even if it was on a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT treaty – THEY let you down; ANYONE who promised you a referendum – even if they actually voted FOR a referendum, just not the one very specific and pointless one that I wanted – they BETRAYED you.
"But not me. I offered you a SPECIFIC guarantee of a referendum on THIS specific treaty. And I'm not going to give you one. But that's not BETRAYAL; that doesn't count.
"Of course I wanted a referendum on the Lisbon Treaty. But now I'm not going to give you one.
"I've argued for it, but I'm not going to give you one; campaigned for it, but I'm not going to give you one; put it front and centre in our European election campaign, but I'm just not going to give you one. We have voted for it in Parliament. But YOU won't get a vote, because we won't give you one.
"I've banged on about the Prime Monster and his broken promise at every opportunity. So now I've broken mine too.
"I believe it ranks alongside the expenses scandal as one of the reasons that trust in politics has broken down. And that's why I can happily break my word, content in the knowledge that you should never have trusted me anyway!
"I always said that if this happened, I would set out immediately how a Conservatory Government would respond. And if you give me five more minutes, I can see what Mr Vague has scribbled down on the back of this fag packet.
"Ah yes, let us offer you some PLATITUDES instead.
"FIRST! If we win the next election, we will amend the European Communities Act 1972 to prohibit, by law, the transfer of power to the EU without a referendum.
"Of course, if MY Government can amend the European Communities Act, then any future Government could amend it back again. But hopefully you won't notice that.
"This is a major constitutional development.
"Of course, we are opposed to a Written Constitution. So, as usual, this promise isn't worth the paper it's not written on.
"SECOND! Instead of a referendum, I promise you we will NOT be having a referendum.
"I just don't think it's right to concoct some new pretext for a referendum simply to have one for the sake of it.
"That wouldn't survive serious scrutiny. Like most of my ideas.
"A made-up referendum might make people feel better for five minutes… because they'd use it to vote against an unpopular Conservatory Government. But my job is on the line… er… is to put together a plan that lasts five
minutesyears, and I don't think a phoney referendum should play any part in that. At least, not any more, now we've lost the chance of hawking a Lisbon vote on you.
"Let me repeat: a Conservative government will guarantee a referendum if there is any attempt to transfer further powers from Britain to the EU. Just like we did when Mr Grocer Heath took us into the EEC, or when Queen Maggie signed the Single European Act or when Mr Major-Minor signed the Maastricht Treaty… oh for fluff's sake…
"THIRD! As well as making sure that further power cannot be handed to the EU without a referendum, we will also introduce a new law, in the form of a United Kingdom Sovereignty Bill, to make it clear that ultimate authority stays in this country, in our Parliament.
"This is not about Westminster striking down individual items of EU legislation. It's about inserting MEANINGLESS and UNENFORCEABLE clauses into legislation that will do nothing but irritate our European partners and undermine our negotiating position in Europe – after all, why will anyone take our contribution seriously if we are CONSTITUTIONALLY saying 'but all that only applies to you not us'
"These changes would ensure that the breach of trust committed by this Labour Government could never happen again.
"Those two words - never again - will be on our leaflets.
"And also in all the leaflets of our opponents, as in: 'You can NEVER trust the Tories AGAIN'
"We will make sure that the British people remember who it was that broke their promise –
Labour, and who it is that will stop this happening again– the Conservatories.
"But these measures are all about distracting you from my BIG BROKEN PROMISE.
"They don't deal with the problems we are facing today, which will now be made worse by the ratification of the Lisbon Treaty.
"In essence, these problems boil down to… Barry Legg, Bill "Petty" Cash and Daniel Hangman.
"A Conservatory Government will address some of these problems… by giving jobs to these malcontents and blowhards that will shut them up. At least for a bit.
"A Conservatory Government will grovellingly fail to obtain THREE specific guarantees from our European partners.
"First, social and employment legislation.
"We will want to negotiate the return of Britain's opt-out from social and employment legislation in those areas which have proved most damaging to our economy (or at least most damaging, aside from the massive recession caused by rich greedy bankers), for example the aspects of the Working Time Directive which are causing real problems for our Fat Cats and Slave Drivers. Er.
"Second, we will negotiate over the Charter of Fundamental Rights. Because I for one have no understanding of what "fundamental" means. And who in Great Britain could possibly want human rights? Never mind that signing up to the European Declaration of Human Rights is a PREREQUISITE for membership of the Union… what pinko came up with these so-called "rights" anyway? What do you mean, Churchill?
"The third area where we will negotiate for a return of powers is criminal justice.
"Remember, we voted against the European arrest warrant and if we'd had our way, the 7/7 bomber could have got away to Italy and, and… has Mr Vague checked all this?
"Anyway, we can't go letting the people of Iceland sue our banks for just bringing down their economy, can we!
"I recognise that these are highly complex areas, where we need to think through the practical details with great care. And I'm confident that when it turns out all THESE promises turn out to be as worthless as my cast-iron guarantee of a referendum on Lisbon we'll have found another way of blaming someone else, probably a faceless, nameless Eurocrat who I can make up on the spot.
"So, yes, I believe we will be able to negotiate our way out of a paper bag. And if you believe this guff, then I believe that you will believe anything!
"In conclusion: People are fed up with the endless lies and spin, they just want to know what we can achieve and how.
"Well WHAT I can achieve is being Prime Monster, and HOW I can achieve it is… with MORE lies and spin!
"That's what this is all about.
"And never mind giving the British people a policy on Europe that they can actually believe in."
*PS: HUMPTY DUMPTY'You seem very clever at explaining words, Sir,' said Alice. 'Would you kindly tell me the meaning of the poem called "Jabberwocky"?'
'Let's hear it,' said Humpty Dumpty. 'I can explain all the poems that were ever invented – and a good many that haven't been invented just yet.'
This sounded very hopeful, so Alice repeated the first verse:
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
'That's enough to begin with,' Humpty Dumpty interrupted: 'there are plenty of hard words there. "BRILLIG" is that BRILLIANT moment when a cad is caught full in the headlights – the time when you begin BROILING him for dinner.'
'That'll do very well,' said Alice: 'and "SLITHY"?'
'Well, "SLITHY" means "lithe and slimy." "Lithe" is the same as "active." You see it's like a portmanteau – there are two meanings packed up into one word.'
'I see it now,' Alice remarked thoughtfully: 'and what are "TOVES"?'
'Well, "TOVES" are ConservaTOVES: they're something like badgers, because they look they look fluffy on top – but something like lizards, as they have a nasty underbelly – and something like corkscrews, for the way they twist their words around and around.'
'They must be very untrustworthy creatures.'
'They are that,' said Humpty Dumpty: 'also they make their nests in the Sun – also they live on cheesy publicity.'
'And what's the "GYRE" and to "GIMBLE"?'
'To "GYRE" is to go round and round like a gyroscope. To "GIMBLE" is to make holes like a gimlet.'
'And "THE WABE" is the current affairs, the news and what have you, I suppose?' said Alice, surprised at her own ingenuity.
'Of course it is. It's called "WABE," you know, because it goes a long way before it, and a long way behind it…'
'And a long way beyond it on each side,' Alice added.
'Exactly so. Well, then, "MIMSY" is "flimsy and miserable" (there's another portmanteau for you). And a "BOROGOVE" is a thin, shabby-looking, rampant egoist who conceals their more frothing tendencies in service of their ambition - rather like Mr Michael Borogove, that is: a respected members of the Shadow Cabinet or "tit"'.
'And then "MOME RATHS"?' said Alice. 'I'm afraid I'm giving you a great deal of trouble.'
'Well, a "RATH" is a sort of green pig, a different sort of rampant egoist, one quite unable to contain their volcanic fury or "wrath": but "MOME" I'm not certain about. I think it's short for "from EU" – meaning that they'd lost their only policy, you know.'
'And what does "OUTGRABE" mean?'
'Well, "OUTGRABING" is GRABBING at the headlines to express (most probably faux) OUTRAGE, something between bellowing and whistling, with a kind of sneeze in the middle: however, you'll hear it done, maybe – down in the Millbank studios yonder – and when you've once heard it you'll be QUITE content.'
(with some apologies to Mr Charles Lutwidge Dodgson)