With my Daddies driving off to attend the hetero-life-partnering-event of their friends Mr Peter and Ms Lynsey (hooray!) , I was left being baby-elephant sat by Cuddly Cthulhu (which is fine, 'cos he's normally asleep) and listening to Mr Andrew Yawnsley's "Beyond
This week's episode: how the Conservatories finally have a UNITED policy about the European Parliament: they want to SPLIT from EVERYBODY ELSE.
Now, Conservatory Shadow Secretary of State for Places they Hate, Mr William Vague says they'll resurrect the Lisbon Treaty just to hold a referendum so that people can vote it down all over again in spite of it already being deader than his follicle count.
After the Irish voted "no", this is a deceased treaty, it has ceased to be. It is a treaty not so much pining for the fjords as pushing up the daisies, it has gone to meet its maker (who would be Monsieur Giscard D'Estaing); this is a treaty that Mr Vague wants to nail to its perch merely to give it a right good thrashing… hang on, I've confused my Cleese-isms…
In further comedy-connections mood, Mr Yawnsley's panel – who included Mr Peter Piddle of the Daily Murdoch, Ms Caroline Jackboot MEP and Mr Dale Winton, presenter of Hole in the Wall, a gameshow about where Master Gideon Oboe thinks money comes from – the panel made the suggestion that the Conservatories could be the ones to make Progressive Policies for Europe.
This is of course LAUGHABLE on three counts: they're NOT progressive; Mr Balloon is against having ANY policies; and the Conservatories will reject ANYTHING that is "FOR Europe".
Nevertheless, it is obvious that this fig-leaf-over-the-policy-gap of offering referendums on treaties from beyond the grave is going to be played pretty hard by the Conservatories at the Euro elections next year… but might such a promise come back to bite them on the fluffy bottom?
After all, there is ZERO chance of them getting a referendum on this dead treaty for so long as Mr Frown remains in Downing Street. Which means that they will be looking at fulfilling this commitment some time in their first term government.
I know… we ALL know… that Mr Balloon is not very GOOD at fulfilling his promises, especially where Europe is concerned. Remember that, in order to get elected Conservatory leader, he promised that he would pull the Conservatories out of the centre-right group, the European People's Party. A promise he has kind of still not fulfilled… though he's promised that he WILL after the NEXT Euro elections.
But you can be sure that he'll be keeping THIS promise, because the alternative is a CIVIL WAR on the Conservatory Back Benches that would make the Maastricht Rebels look like the Celebrity Love Island.
Which means that, on top of all the things that they say NEED to be done to fix the "broken
Expensive, jingoistic and an enormous waste of time, you might very well think.
However, with a COMFORTABLE majority even that might not be a problem, but the polls have not been looking so optimistic for Mr Balloon recently.
Suppose he's got a TIGHT majority, with the after-effects of the current economic crisis still lingering, that's going to mean that there are a MAJORITY of people in the country who are both anti-Conservatory AND anti-Government: the reverse of the very same "give-the-bas…badwords-a-kicking" consensus that means any Euro referendum would be lost NOW.
Mr Vague no doubt thinks that calling for this pointless referendum will play very well on the doorsteps… and he might well be RIGHT… but consider the IRONY: The Conservatories are tremendously keen on this referendum lark because they know people always use them to bash the Government, because they LIKE bashing the Government. But they can’t yet imagine that THEY might the Government being bashed; the fact is, they cannot see themselves in Government.
Could this promise actually turn out to be the single best way to get a Pro-Europe Referendum where the Great British people say "YES!"? 'Cos that would be VERY FUNNY.