Here is a suggestion for Lord Blairimort's BLUE PETER appearance:
"Look, children, here's a MEDIA DISASTER I prepared earlier."
If I were Mr Frown I would have been happy to sit on my fluffy bottom and wait for another year or even two so that I could take over as Prime Minister and then go for a general election during my "honeymoon".
But then Mr Frown's TITANIC ego has derailed simpler plans than that one over the years.
The media want blood and Lord Blairimort has decided it's going to be Mr Frown's rather than his own.
How did we end up here? Lord Blairimort could not resist being AMBIGUOUS, that's how.
This USED to mean that people THOUGHT he had said more than he could be held to; NOW it means that people think he cannot open his mouth without LYING.
So, Lord Blairimort's interview in THE TIMES last week gave the impression that he was going to use another of his "GET OUT" clauses, by having "serve a full term" mean "stay for five years".
This meant that Mr Frown and all his little chums got VERY, VERY cross and wound up to the extent that they went over the top and into battle.
But the firestorm that followed threatened to bring Lord Blairimort down RIGHT NOW. It is TOO SOON to pull out of the government's mid-term NOSE DIVE and Mr Frown does NOT want to be in charge when the NASTY hits the FAN at next year's devolved and local elections.
Quick as you like, Gordon is all pretend kiss and make up and Tony can stay in charge until May and NOT ONE DAY LONGER.
But this thing has a MOMENTUM all of its own now, and obviously Lord Blairimort has recognised this. His allies and catspaws are already trying to shift the focus onto Mr Frown and his FITNESS to be Prime Minister (like FITNESS has anything to do with the current occupant of that job).
Leading the attack – almost unbelievably after the way he was treated – is Mr Charles "Fatty Clarke the Second" Clarke. Why is he doing this? Does he think Lord Blairimort will give him the Home Office BACK? And Mr Clarke says that Mr Frown is DELUDED!
Lord Blairimort has clearly read his MACHIAVELLI, and Mr Frown has not: given the opportunity to DESTROY his enemy, Mr Frown failed to strike. Now it is Lord Blairimort's turn.
Will this save the PM's job? No, of course not. Lord B will be VERY lucky to leave at anything like the time of his own choosing. (About twenty years from now!) It will probably be much sooner and will precipitate another CRISIS.
My PERSONAL favourite would be for Lord Blairimort's departure to be immediately preceded by his arrest under the Honours (Prevention of Abuses) Act 1925 (Lord Levy having turned Queen's evidence) leaving the Labour with no leadership at all.
Which would serve them RIGHT since none of THEM have shown any!
The thing is, of course, this shower aren't competent to run a BATH let alone the country, so it is hardly surprising that they would rather spend their time SCRAPPING amongst themselves than doing anything DIFFICULT.
So, while the sacked safety elephant is busy saying it is all the fault of Mr Frown we have to ask, what are they letting fall to pieces while they are all chasing Lord Blairimort's job rather than their own?
Much touted Minister for Work and Pensions Mr John Hutton has quietly overseen the DWP computer system being ditched after costing £141 million. Not ENTIRELY his fault as it OVERHEATED while trying to cope with computing Mr Frown's whizzo TAX CREDITS scheme which itself has lost the odd few BILLION pounds.
Meanwhile "hot tip" for the future Mr David Millipede at Environment has been caught with the hot potato left behind by Mrs Bucket when she sent off to become Minister for Caravan Holidays. "Costly mistakes" at the Rural Benefits Agency mean that DEathRAy has to cut £200 million funding for avian flu research.
Good job THAT'S dropped of the news radar for the moment then, isn't it!
Not to mention the daddy of them all, the I.D.iot card scheme: a MODEST seeming £32 million pounds spent by February 2006 had spiralled to £46 million pounds by May discovered Liberal Democrat Mr Lemming Öpik.
And this, remember, is BEFORE the government has even started work on the IT scheme because they haven't been able to put the software out to tender!
At least the HOME OFFICE staff have not been discovered HACKING into the passport database… no wait, THEY HAVE!
The Liberal Democrats continue to press how important this issue is! A government who cannot even keep their own secret plans for Lord Blairimort's final CAVALCADE OF WHIMSY secret want to take ALL of your PRIVATE information and put it in one nice big box. And they promise to keep it secret. Riiiiiiight.
We CANNOT trust the Conservatories on this! First Mr Balloon was against them, then he caved in and let Lord Blairimort have his way; now he says he is against them again. Mr Balloon isn't good with promises; how long until his next flip-flop?
This week Liberal Democrat heavyweight, Ms Lynne Featherweight has made a speech confronting the Smart Government Forum with all of the things that are WRONG about these I.D.iot cards.
We need to get behind Ms Featherweight and put a STOP to this sort of thing, and soon or we will all end up carrying cards that read:
"My name is TONY; I am your leader/scapegoat (delete as applicable)"