Day 2938: New Runways

Friday:


New York: and HEROIC Captain Chesley Sullenberger proves that you don't need a third runway.

Meanwhile, London: and Mayor Boris the Clown swears to fight the third runway all the way…

…am I the only one who sees Runway Three rearing up, Mothra-like, and roaring at the City only for Godzilla-sized Bojo to come blundering into battle:

"I… I… I… blimey! Gosh, that's bit fierce! I… oops, crikey! I've squished Camden…"

Maybe not.

Anyway, Secretary of State for CATTLE CLASS, Mr "Buff" Hoon, announced that we will be having a third runway no matter what anyone else thinks because in spite of the economy grinding to a halt and in spite of London already having five airports there is still an urgent need for even more capacity so that bankers can flee the capital for the length of the financial downturn. Er…

Anyway, this, he told the House of Commoners, is vitally important to every single one of us in the country. Which is why Mr Frown has decided that he should make the decision entirely on his own and not let anyone else have a vote on it.

There will, however, be STRICT monitoring and controls so that we know that the environment is being completely stuffed protected and that the Government are breaking their own rules again keeping their promises.

And everyone will be asked to HOLD THEIR BREATH while going through the airport so that the CO2 emissions don't go stratospheric!

You know, there's something DISTINCTLY ODD about these runway plans: you know, the way that Runway Three is only HALF the length of numbers One and Two… and yet the proposed extension to the Heathrow boundary has these STICKY-OUTY mysteriously runway-shaped bits at either end… almost like there's room to EXTEND runway three even further.

Goodness but no one who wants to extend an airport could ever tell fibs about their long term plans!

Mind you, have you noticed how they appear to be building over not just three inhabited villages but also two motorways? I wonder how the A380 Double Dumbo Jet is going to cope with the variable speed limit on the M25?!

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Day 2776: Environmental Disaster as Bojo Blows Hot Air

Thursday:


Boo! Evil Mayor Bojo of London seeks to establish himself as Clown Prince of Climate Crime by cancelling Mr Mayor Ken's order for a fleet of hydrogen powered vehicles and abandoning plans to rescue Parliament Square from being a glorified car-clogged roundabout.

And he cancelled the proposal to increase the C-Charge on the most polluting vehicles.

Mr Balloon will soon need to have his bicycle followed by his Lexus in order to carry his OXYGEN TANKS along with his shoes.

We never realised that: Vote Blue Go Green meant LITERALLY turn GREEN as you CHOKE TO DEATH ON SMOG!

Day 2695: Butterbees and Bumbleflies

Sunday:


And speaking of insects…

Our planet Earth is very BEAUTIFUL, but also very FRAGILE.

And you don't need one of THESE to cause the End of the World.

We have come to think of the countryside as permanent and unchanging, and shortage of food, famine even, as a thing that only happened in the DARK AGES, but this could all go rather horribly wrong because some of our most VITAL workers are under THREAT… and we don’t even really know why!

No, it's not schoolteachers, it is the humble, industrious Honey Bee and the soft and gentle Butterflies!

Bees and Butterflies actually do the most important work of all, pollinating our plants and crops so that we all have FOOD to eat. Clever scientists might have made fertilisers that help crops grow, but that's no good without SEEDS and seeds need pollen to be carried on little insect legs from one plant to another.

Apparently, one third of the United States' crop species, including such species as almonds, peaches, soybeans, apples, pears, cherries, raspberries, blackberries, cranberries, watermelons, cantaloupes, cucumbers and strawberries, all rely on bees for pollenisation and the bees are DISAPPEARING.

Even Dr Who knows about it! (Unless all these BEE references are a CLUE to something else!)

Mr Saint David of Attenborough has launched a butterfly rescue centre
to try to help, but really this is a BIG job and it definitely needs some Government action.

Never mind roads and airports, it is these friendly insects who are our vital INFRASTRUCTURE and we should be investing in rescuing them, and rebuilding their populations.

A world without bees and butterflies would not just be less lovely to look at… it would be very hungry INDEED.

PS:

Also, I LIKE sticky buns with honey!

Day 2565: Nuke Labour New Danger

Thursday:


The bright hope of the sixties that turned into a frightening nightmare relic of enormous expenses overruns and imminent danger of meltdown: it can only mean… fuchsia-finished old fraud, Mr Peter Vain!

Oh no, sorry it's the return of Nuclear Power.


What MOST turns me off the Nuclear Industry – yes, even MORE than the thought of becoming a GLOW-IN-THE-DARK toy! – is the way that their ADVOCATES cannot seem to control their TELLING of FIBS.

A typical one is the "you cannot rely on renewables – the wind doesn’t blow all the time" meme that they trot out.

It seems so SELF-EVIDENT, doesn't it? Sometimes the wind is blowing and sometimes it is not. And yet, it would really be ASTONISHINGLY UNLIKELY if the wind stopped EVERYWHERE at once. It is a case of making sure that you have windmill farms in SEVERAL places so that there are always some catching the breeze.

Though of course, there are parts of the country where the wind RARELY falls, particularly out at sea – funnily enough this is how SAILING SHIPS work and we seem to have found THOSE fairly reliable over the centuries.

Even MORE outrageous was the suggestion one of their mealy mouthed apologists offered on News 24: "oh well, Tidal Barrage only works twice a day".

Er, NO. It works as the tide goes in and then goes into reverse and works AGAIN as the tide goes out. ALL the way in and ALL the way out. And then all the way in and all the way out AGAIN (twice a day, you see).

A little learning is a DANGEROUS THING, said the Sainted Oscar, and you can see why: you think you know a LITTLE about something and then RADIOACTIVE MAN and chums come along and FOOL YOU!

They want you to believe that Nuclear has a TRACK RECORD – well yes, it has a track record of promising "energy too cheap to meter" and then delivering tons of deadly toxic waste that lasts forever and oops sorry no more cash, the government will have to clean it up. How can we POSSIBLY believe promises that the private sector will properly dispose of waste that will literally last longer than humans have been on this Earth?

And while we're at it, just what IS the annual carbon footprint of safely storing this crud? Because multiply THAT by a million years and factor it into your calculations before claiming that Nuclear Power is GREEN.



Meanwhile, the government is threatening to take away MP's right to vote on their own pay.

Typical NuLabour thinking: oh, some people do not like this thing; it must be up to US to order it changed!

It seems Ms Harriet Harpy does not believe that MPs can be TRUSTED with the responsibility.

Well, maybe they CAN and maybe they CAN'T but it is the VOTERS who get to decide on their MPs performances. The MPs are there to keep charge of the government, NOT the other way around, no matter what bossy Ms Harpy might think – and yes, they are NOT very good at it, are they. But just imagine how much worse they will be if their salary depends on being compliant with her.

Well, maybe they CAN and maybe they CAN'T but it is the VOTERS who get to decide on their MPs performances. The MPs are there to keep charge of the government, NOT the other way around, no matter what bossy Ms Harpy might think – and yes, they are NOT very good at it, are they. But just imagine how much worse they will be if their salary depends on being compliant with her.

Day 2534: Coast

Sunday:


Excellent News! The Government has agreed to the building of thousands of new windmill farms to really make use of the offshore winds.

People say: "but this will change our coast FOREVER!"

Yes, true – but the alternative is to allow GLOBAL WARMING to melt the icecaps, raise the sea level by twenty metres and change the coast forever ANYWAY!

Day 2409: Camp Airport

Monday:


If you do not believe that Heathrow Airport is CAMP then you need to see the EXCITING [R: he's only six, he can't tell the difference] new DVD from the BBC of Dr Who's adventure on board the "Time-Flight"!

However the people who own and allegedly run the airport, BAA – who are either the former British Airports Authority or a SHOUTING SHEEP – are having trouble with an entirely other sort of camp, a bunch of harmless protestors who want to save the Earth by reminding people that flying is BAAD.

The Shouty Sheep People have apparently been granted an injunction to protect the airport.

Having attempted to take out a banning order against five-million members of the National Trust, the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds and Our Own Dear Majesty Mrs the Queen, BAA announced that they had won a SIGNIFICANT VICTORY when the court granted their injunction… but limited its effect to five men from "Plane Stupid" and a dachshund called Graham.

Nevertheless, the BAA have drafted in 1,800 police people to protect them from the expected 1,800 harmless hippies.

This does actually leave me wondering where they've recruited these police people FROM… and whether the airport wouldn't be a jolly sight SAFER if they went back to whatever they were doing there rather than concentrating on a field outside of the actual airport's grounds!

A Downing Street spokesperson is reported as saying "any disruption to the airport would be "unacceptable"."

ANY disruption? What, like the disruption caused by, say, a JUMBO JET taking off every thirty seconds? Heathrow airport causes nothing BUT disruption to everyone around it – get a sense of PERSPECTIVE for goodness' sake!