Having a job is a good thing, I suppose (I'm a baby elephant; I wouldn't know!), but it doesn't half get in the way of Daddy Richard writing up my diaries!
It's a bit of a BUGGER though, wot with having spent last week taking pops at Hard Labour for talking rubbish, that this week the Conservatories have been giving me JUST AS MANY opportunities to mock, but daddy's had no time to write 'em up.
It all LOOKS a bit PRO-Conservatory. Ugh!
So here, to set the record a BIT straight, is a taste of what we've missed:
Day 3931: Mrs May and the Cat that Didn't Bark in the NightThursday:
Our Home Secretary, Mrs Theresa Nuts-in-May, gave a perfectly HORRID speech at the Conservatory Conference saying how much she wanted to oil the delegates' soft spots by abolishing the Human Rights Act, but managed to make a fool of herself with a story about a cat monster that turned out to be FICTION.
But there's a serious point too.
Her "complaint" about Human Right is that they "get in the way" of the Home Office doing "its job" by which she means: "whatever it wants to". Well, NEWSFLASH Mrs Nuts-in-May: THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO DO!
Human Rights law is the thing that defines our relationship with the STATE: it says what the state ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT do to people in its care (at least not without going through a proper procedure). That's things like "not kill you", "not torture you", "not lock you up for no reason".
And while we're on the subject, human rights are about our relationship with the state and NOT with other people. That would be CRIMINAL LAW.
So people saying "what about the human rights of so-and-so's victims" are talking HONK. It's NOT a "breach of human rights" to murder someone. It's a CRIME and it's called MURDER! And that's why we send murderers to JAIL.
You don't have to fulfil some arbitrary notion of "responsibilities" to receive your human rights (that's ANOTHER thing we have Hard Labour to "thank" for); you get them just for being alive because THAT'S how we say decent governments SHOULD behave.
You don't "give up" your human rights by breaking the criminal law; THAT'S why they're called INALIENABLE.
And one last thing, Mrs Nuts-in-May. It might be more CONVENIENT for you to deport terrorist subjects to foreign states where we have no friends and no controls, but PERSONALLY I'd much rather keep terrorist suspects WHERE I CAN SEE WHAT THEY ARE DOING.
And I'm sorry that you think DOING YOUR JOB makes doing your job harder.
Day 3930: Do You Understand the Paradox of Thrift? Neither Does the Prime MonsterWednesday:
Mr Balloon was going to tell people to pay off their credit card bills until someone brighter than Master Gideon pointed out to him that the fabled "growth strategy" depends rather heavily on people spending their money on STUFF in shops and NOT vaporising it by clearing their debts.
If your debt is UNSUSTAINABLE (i.e. more than you can afford to keep paying for in the medium to long run) then OF COURSE you must control it and pay it down. Like wot the government are trying to do. (To a certain value of "paying down" given that we are actually adding MORE to the debt mountain faster than ever; we're just trying to add to it less faster than ever than Labour planned to do. If you see what I mean.)
But if your debts are under control then ACTUALLY the government would probably rather you kept on spending. A bit. Please.
Which brings me to…
Day 3928: Why Plan A Isn't Working. Why Plan B Wouldn't Work EitherMonday:
Astonishingly, the best speech of the week seems to have come from Master Gideon, with his upbeat, "we can do it together" mantra, suggesting that someone may have finally sat him down and told him that all the "we're doomed" dialogue may have been playing badly with CONFIDENCE in the economy.
Now, if we can just persuade him that that VAT rise was bonkers…
Really, though, there is a truth that no Chancer or Shadow Chancer will admit, which is that there is almost FLUFF ALL that he/she can do to stop the economy being in DOOMED mode.
I'm NOT saying it's gloom FOREVER. Something WILL come along. "The Next Big Thing". Whatever it is.
Look back at history and you will see that each period of recession comes to a turning point, a new idea or discovery or fresh resources, and people start to think that there is money to be made again and, almost by magic, they start to make money.
The early Thatcher recession ended when council houses started to be sold off. It wasn't Mrs T's PLAN, it wasn't in any manifesto, it was just a lucky strike that the wheeze seems to have started people making a FAST BUCK which in turn got the economy going. (Though it COULD equally have been something else, maybe the surge in confidence after winning the Falklands War.)
The nineties recession turned around after the Internet revolution. The dot-com collapse was turned around by the Federal Bank throwing open the taps of cheap credit (though that kind of deferred rather than prevented the crash, so we got a SUPER-CRASH in 2008).
And rather INFAMOUSLY the Great Depression is said to have been turned around when governments started rearming for another go at a World War.
So SOMETHING will come along.
But it's almost impossible to predict – let alone ENGINEER – what it IS.
You may recall that Mr Huhney-Monster has introduced the New Green Deal and is bringing in the Green Investment Bank and both of these ARE – at least in part – an effort to use the Green revolution as a kick-start for "the next big thing".
If it works, it's GENIUS. If it doesn't, you can't say we're not TRYING. But I bet lots of people WILL!
Day 3933: AppealSaturday:
Now, you might know (if you were paying attention during his conference speech) that Daddy Richard is trying to write a book. I know. Without my help! What does he think he's DOING?
He has convinced a couple of
So, if anyone would happen to fancy reading – including proofing and critiquing – a novella which daddy describes as "Casablanca if it were set during the Time War", then you might drop me a line and I will pass your message on.
He's a bit NEEDY so you'll have to be prepared to be NICE (but honest!).
Also, anyone who thinks they might be able to do some cover art...!