Day 2394: The Madness of Conservatories

Sunday:


“There’s a leader whose future is more in question than mine,” said Sir Mr the Merciless this morning on the BBC.

Mr Balloon is a bit rubbish. We all know that.

He has a real problem with the idea of having policies and even when he gets some he usually flip-flops on them within a few days. He had a real opportunity to bring the Conservatory Party back from the BRINK of BONKERSDOM, but has turned out to be more interested in PHOTO OPPORTUNITIES and grabbing HEADLINES than doing the real, hard work of opposing this authoritarian government.

This is NOT why the Conservatories have decided to ASSASSINATE him.

No, far from worrying that he doesn’t really believe in any of the “hug me” sound bites that he spouts… the Conservatory backbenches are worried that he doesn’t believe in any of THEIR policies EITHER.

They could PUT UP with that, so long as he was Mr WINNER. But after the row over Grandma Schools and Mr Frown’s Flounce in the opinion polls, the Conservatories are RIGHT BACK WHERE THEY STARTED.

Now the Sunday Telegraph is reporting that at least two and maybe as many as six Conservatory MPs have written to the 1922 committee calling for a vote of “No Confidence”. It is all very well the Conservatories trying to dismiss this as a “Silly Season” story, but unfortunately, the Telegraph has a QUOTE from one of them.

“I felt I had to register my deep-seated dissatisfaction. I am not the only one and I know there are a number of others who are thinking of writing.”

And another saying

“There’s a hole at the heart of the Balloon project… MPs want to know what is at the heart of all this rebranding. The fear is that there is nothing at the heart of it.”

So, Conservatory MPs are sharpening their knives once more for another bout of what Bonkers Mr Boris would describe as “[insert insult to foreign nation here]-style orgies of cannibalism and chief-killing”, and Mr Balloon’s plan to flee the country fly to a photo-op in Rwanda may have to be put on hold.

I think that everyone knows by now – well, everyone who isn’t a Conservatory, anyway – that this is how the story ALWAYS goes for Conservatory leaders. They start off NEW and SHINY (no, I do NOT mean Mr Vague’s head… OR Mr Drunken Swerve’s head…). They talk about being MODERATE and LISTENING to people. And then the polls get a bit STICKY. What happens next? They forget about everyone else and come up with some blisteringly regressive policy to appeal to their own obsessives.

Mr Vague’s rallying cry was: “Save the Pound! Save My Job!”

Mr Drunken-Swerve said he was turning up the volume just as the party were turning out his lights.

Mr Something of the Night went with: “Are You Thinking because we sure as billy-oh aren’t!”


Or, as they sing a Conservatory Party Conference…

“It’s just a step to the RIGHT… and then a JUMP to the rii-ii-iiyiiyii-ight…

“It’s the thought of Europe… that REALLY drives us insane!

“Let’s do the TIME WARP again!”

Funnily enough, the BBC have heard from Harold-Saxon-Supporter Miss Ann Widdecombe, and she said:

“…there is an underlying goodwill towards Mr Balloon. He has been very successful in getting support from people who previously would not have looked at us.

“But he must now pay a great deal of attention to shoring up our traditional vote.”

Is it possible that Miss Widdyone really does not REALISE that the reason those people would not previously look at the Conservatories was BECAUSE the Conservatories were shoring up their traditional vote!

The foreigner/gay-daddy/hoodies/Europe-hating fruity-fruity-nut-nuts on the far right wing of politics feel alienated and isolated BECAUSE they are fruity-fruity-nut-nuts on the far right wing of politics. You can try to appeal to them OR you can try to appeal to EVERYBODY ELSE.

But if you try facing two different ways you will only look TWO FACED!

Put it another way: Mr Balloon’s ENTIRE STRATEGY is to say “We’ve changed”; an appeal to the “core vote” is a sure-fire way of saying “We HAVEN’T”.


As I have said before, Mr Balloon now has the rest of the summer to build some flood defences! We shall have to see if his foundations are substantial enough to stop him being WASHED AWAY.