Saturday:
Science has discovered that an ANCIENT MAMMAL may not be EXTINCT after all!
Although thought to be one of the most OLD-FASHIONED types of living creature, and nowadays never seen in many parts of the country, it turns out that this rare, timid beastie may actually be… considering running for Mayor of London.
Oh, and biologists have found a platypus.
The PROBLEM with Mr Boris – apart from the fact that he's succeeding a Mr Norris, meaning that the NEXT Conservatory candidate will have to be a Ms Doris – the PROBLEM is that he is EXACTLY THE SAME as the Mayor that we have got.
That is to say, each has CULTIVATED a "media personality" that is a little bit funny and a little bit ludicrous, but is entirely an ACT to cover up the real ZEALOT underneath. Both of them are autocrats; both of them think that rules are for other people.
Mr Boris's scrapes are of course LEGENDARY – and indeed he has made them a part of the persona that he wears. But in making them FUNNY, he does rather gloss over that his "LARKS" do real harm to real people: his wife, his godfather, the person Darrius Guppy allegedly wanted to beat up…
In some ways the "Boris will be Boris" approach, excusing him of being NAUGHTY because being as he is a CAD and a BOUNDER, being naughty is what you can EXPECT him to do.
Well, no actually, some of us expect CADs and BOUNDERs to get their COMEUPPANCE, not a free licence to carry on pleasing their own selfish ambitions, thank you very much.
He is sometimes described as a Libertarian – but his voting record in the House shows only moderate opposition to I.D.iot cards or the smoking ban, and a mixed record on equality for gay daddies. His strongest support has been for exploding Iraq and hunting foxes. And are we sure Britain's most COSMOPOLITAN city really WANTS a confirmed Europhobe in charge?
Confidentially, I HAVE been asked – on the Q.T. – if I should like to stand as the LIBERAL DEMOCRAT'S fluffy Mayoral candidate.
I would LOVE to be Mayor of London – this is my city, this grand, silly, chaotic, marvellous old lady on the Thames. I would introduce electric cars at weekends; lots of bicycle parking, with showers and changing rooms so that people can all bicycle to work; and free sticky buns on the London Eye.
But honestly, what sort of a contest would it be between a SOFT TOY and Ken and Barbie Boris? Being Mayor is an IMPORTANT JOB and it need to be treated as a SERIOUS and RESPONSIBLE position – that is why we should NOT lower the dignity of the contest… by including Ken and Boris!
Meanwhile "Tory Lite" candidate Tony Lit turns out to be standing in the Ealing By-Election under the party name of "Dave Balloon's Conservatories". This is presumably because he needs reminding that he's not one of "Lord Blairimort's Conservatories"!
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